What does one do when they hate their job but feel unable to quit?

[ktgrok]

I got you PM and responded. Also, I'm fairly certain quite a few board members live in your general vicinity, so maybe you could ask here if anyone knows of any openings that would be right for him. 

[Entropymama]

I second the idea of taking in child care. At one point, when my dh had just started a new job and was being paid very little, I did daycare and made more than he did. In my area it's not unreasonable to pay $30-40 dollars per day, more if you're only using child care a few days per week. (Drop in care can be $50) If you could watch a couple kids, potentially he could get a temporary part time job, giving him time to look for another job. With his work schedule I don't know how he could even look. 

[EmseB]

I am going to dissent in the advice to do childcare. I get that desperate times call for desperate measures, but doing daycare is not easy, especially if one feels overwhelmed already with responsibilities at home. Even though it can be a relatively easy way to find extra dollars, it is not a good fit just because someone is in a tight spot.

[EmilyGF]

If you two can come up with a plan, you might want to look into public school as a temporary solution for childcare so that you can add to the income in order to have a fund of savings to fall back on. 

 

We have family friends where one parent works from home and "supervises" the kids as they do online school while the spouse is in school in order to significantly up her income. They have a lot of stress, but things should ease up! Before the mom started going back to school, the dad had done nursing school while mom paid the bills.

 

Emily

[Danestress]

Does he have contact through his job with better paid people who are not college graduates? I think there are many 'blue collar' type jobs that can pay a decent wage. Even a ups or fedex driver makes more than it sounds like he is making. I would start asking everyone questions about their jobs (in a friendly, getting to know you way).

 

To me, a college degree would not be my first choice unless he knows what he would want to do and that his employment prospects would be good. With no college, he would have a lot of hours to complete and would not be earning during those hours. If he had that as a strong desire, I would say to go for it. But otherwise, I would also look at jobs that don't require starting a degree program.

 

Also, I would also think about how I could start laying the groundwork for being more employable myself. Even if right now you can't get a full time job, I would start getting up to speed on basic skills like using all the windows office programs, volunteering in an area I care about etc.

 

You don't want to be in this situation ten years from now, and can't change it overnight. So think shorter term. Is there anything I can do in the next six months to be a little better off? Is there anything he can start doing to build a network, generate ideas, or build a financial cushion? Do I know what kind of job I would be good at? Does he?

[LibraryLover]

I live in an area where some folks are perpetual students. The live in university family housing, take out loans/get stipends.  I wonder if biting the bullet and doing something like this wouldn't get you out of this rut. I'd consider taking on education debt in hopes that a degree & internships will pay off.  And you wouldn't have to live somewhere dangerous.  The folks I know here love the community of it, and their kids always have someone to play with on the housing playgrounds. 

 

 

Edited March 19, 2016 by LibraryLover

[Jenny in Florida]

I am going to dissent in the advice to do childcare. I get that desperate times call for desperate measures, but doing daycare is not easy, especially if one feels overwhelmed already with responsibilities at home. Even though it can be a relatively easy way to find extra dollars, it is not a good fit just because someone is in a tight spot.

 

I agree. Even in our most desperate financial times, child care was never something I considered. I don't actually like other people's children all that much for extended periods. I'm really good at certain kinds of interactions (teaching, tutoring, etc.), but just plain caring for a pack of kids would make me a very unhappy, stressed-out person. To tell a mom who says she is already feeling stretched and stressed with parenting and educating her own kids to consider taking in a couple of extras doesn't sound like great advice to me.

[pinkmint]

I am going to dissent in the advice to do childcare. I get that desperate times call for desperate measures, but doing daycare is not easy, especially if one feels overwhelmed already with responsibilities at home. Even though it can be a relatively easy way to find extra dollars, it is not a good fit just because someone is in a tight spot.

 

This is basically what I was thinking. If I were to tell someone that I feel competent to do a great job of caring for their child I would be lying. Plus our home is not exactly spacious (under 1000 sq ft) and of course the big reason is that I do not feel like I have margin in my current parenting endeavors with my own 3 kids. Plus I just do not like other people's kids  :leaving:

 

I know some people out there probably think beggars can't be choosers etc, and that I should do anything I can but I think it's important to know your limits. 

 

As for the public school suggestions, I live in a district where the public schools get a 2 out of 10 Great Schools rating. I would feel absolutely sick sending my kids to the local public schools. It is something I would do almost anything to avoid. If we lived in a different area maybe it would be different, but this is the reality where we live. 

[pinkmint]

Someone mentioned learning to code earlier upthread, and actually DH and I did sign up for a $50 web developer/ coding class online last summer. I was starting to do it but we decided he should complete it first. He has gotten through some of it but hasn't had any time to work through it because of all the overtime  :banghead: I actually think that is the kind of thing that might really be getting him somewhere. This is why I am so frustrated. His current job is so awful, but so time consuming that he has no way to actually plan and seek out something else. 

[Bluegoat]

Have you looked into organizations that help people find better jobs or make plans to improve their situation?  Someone mentioned libraries, and the ones here have similar programs.  Or there may be non-profits in the community.

[EmilyGF]

This is basically what I was thinking. If I were to tell someone that I feel competent to do a great job of caring for their child I would be lying. Plus our home is not exactly spacious (under 1000 sq ft) and of course the big reason is that I do not feel like I have margin in my current parenting endeavors with my own 3 kids. Plus I just do not like other people's kids  :leaving:

 

I know some people out there probably think beggars can't be choosers etc, and that I should do anything I can but I think it's important to know your limits. 

 

As for the public school suggestions, I live in a district where the public schools get a 2 out of 10 Great Schools rating. I would feel absolutely sick sending my kids to the local public schools. It is something I would do almost anything to avoid. If we lived in a different area maybe it would be different, but this is the reality where we live. 

I hadn't noticed that you have a 1-year-old in your signature. So even the awesomest public schools wouldn't free you up to work.

 

Emily

[brehon]

Is that web developer/coding class an asynchronous class? Why don't you finish it up first since your dh can't right now? Are there any certificate programs at a CC near you?

 

It sounds like something needs to give. So, you may not be able to make an ideal plan work. However, good enough is good enough; there unfortunately probably isn't going to be a perfect plan for you. I feel for you - y'all are in a hard place.

[Carol in Cal.]

Regarding reframing, I am sorry, I did not mean to imply that it was a permanent solution or a substitute for that, and reading over what I wrote I can clearly see that it sounded that way.

 

I just meant it as something to do right now, first of all, to make the current situation a little more bearable, and also to create positivity that sometimes opens up the path to something better.  I think that it is far easier to network and find opportunities when you're not depressed and desperate, and that putting a good face on things makes it easier to see the good in opportunities as they come up.  But I agree that the situation is very challenging, and applaud the OP for trying to figure out how to make a step improvement in it.  Good for you!

[LucyStoner]

This was what I was going to suggest as well. A training in something that pays more would help in the long run.

 

However, aren't there more restrictions on government assistance now? Don't you have to prove you have applied for jobs? Not sure if quitting a job would qualify as needing assistance.

Cash assistance like TANF? Yes there are onerous restrictions and it's not enough to even pay rent. But my suggestion is to work PT (say 20-32 hours a week) and make the ends meet with food stamps, SCHIP, WIC, energy assistance, food bank, local programs etc. Plus student aid. Many adult students with kids have to do this to get through school.

[PinkTulip]

I don't have anything to add to the excellent advice that has already been given, but just wanted to add my voice of support and encouragement.

[Miss Mousie]

If you search for some of the work-at-home threads, you might come across some links for writing web content.  I've never done it, and can't remember any names off-hand, but I could see this bringing in a small income even if you can only do it during your 2-hour quiet time (if you do that - if you don't, consider starting, for your own rejuvenation if nothing else).

 

 

[Katy]

Someone mentioned learning to code earlier upthread, and actually DH and I did sign up for a $50 web developer/ coding class online last summer. I was starting to do it but we decided he should complete it first. He has gotten through some of it but hasn't had any time to work through it because of all the overtime  :banghead: I actually think that is the kind of thing that might really be getting him somewhere. This is why I am so frustrated. His current job is so awful, but so time consuming that he has no way to actually plan and seek out something else. 

 

You learn first.

 

[Scarlett]

I just want to say I think this board is great.

 

Pinkmint, I hope something shakes loose for you soon.

[KungFuPanda]

What if you crunched the numbers? What could you each make on part time jobs that would dip your salary enough to qualify for housing subsidies, food stamps, and government health insurance? You might be able to cobble together enough to cover expenses and buy enough extra time for one or both of you to retrain into something in demand. I know around here pharmacy techs and x-ray technicians always have work and it doesn't take long to train up. Is DH handy? Would he be interested in one of those trades, like electrician or handyman, that is conducive to being your own boss? Are either of you close to or willing to get a bachelors so you can be considered for a whole different pool of jobs? Imagine where you'd be now if you'd done these things four years ago. Really, you can do almost anything for a couple years. If neither of you have employable skills you're going to have to decide to get some or resign yourself to treading water like this forever. That's just harder with older kids. Now is the time to change something.

[heartlikealion]

For your family's mental health and whatnot, would it be better for both of you to work part-time jobs or one of you to get a different full-time job with more stable hours freeing up the other to get a pt job? The biggest blow there might be benefits if neither of you get a ft job.

 

I can say from personal experience, it is possible to both work and not use child care. I worked ft days, dh worked nights/weekends. We hardly saw each other but maybe one of you could work somewhere that is closed on say, Sundays, or request a certain day off to ensure at least one night/day off together. And while we were doing that, dh was also an online student. I'm not gonna lie, those days were hard. But I guess it was worth it because he completed his first degree while we both worked (completed a second online later while we had a different working situation) which eventually led to the job he has now. We currently live in an area where the thought of sending ds to public school kinda makes me sick so I sympathize there. Around here they send teachers from Teach for America if that is any indicator of the local education.

 

As for money, we did qualify for Medicaid and WIC during that (yes, with both of us working). Dh took a student loan during both degrees, too. During part of the journey dh was unemployed doing an unpaid practicum and I started working PT during or after his practicum (they advertised the job as ft but didn't really give me ft) and we qualified for SNAP. Quitting our jobs to move for that practicum was one of the best and worst decisions we ever made. The idea of just quitting a job sounds so foolish to me, I don't normally advise it. But if you or your dh can line up jobs (at least one) and/or have some savings it might be doable. Especially if one of you is a student and you have loan money. With some planning, it sounds like it might be necessary.

 

Would joining a temp agency help at all? Is there something like that available? Or maybe the WIN job center or something? Maybe they can help you guys find something.

[Bluegoat]

What if you crunched the numbers? What could you each make on part time jobs that would dip your salary enough to qualify for housing subsidies, food stamps, and government health insurance? You might be able to cobble together enough to cover expenses and buy enough extra time for one or both of you to retrain into something in demand. I know around here pharmacy techs and x-ray technicians always have work and it doesn't take long to train up. Is DH handy? Would he be interested in one of those trades, like electrician or handyman, that is conducive to being your own boss? Are either of you close to or willing to get a bachelors so you can be considered for a whole different pool of jobs? Imagine where you'd be now if you'd done these things four years ago. Really, you can do almost anything for a couple years. If neither of you have employable skills you're going to have to decide to get some or resign yourself to treading water like this forever. That's just harder with older kids. Now is the time to change something.

 

In many places dental hygiene can be a good choice, too.

[pinkmint]

We are slowly working through some of the ideas and suggestions. DH contacted a co-worker recommended temp agency, he applied for a job on our county website that is similar to what he does except with possibly slightly better pay and hours, and I am thinking again about continuing the online coding class.

 

It's going to be hard, with the kids and DH's long hours, trying to find a decent block (even one hour) of uninterrupted time each day (toddler currently hanging on me) or a few times a week for me to make any good progress on it but I can try. 

 

I feel like one of the biggest obstacles to getting out of a situation like this is just how exhausting and discouraging everything is. I know there are a lot of people out there who have no sympathy and just think you get what you work for in life... or you have people who seem to think things just "work themselves out" when they are blind to their privilege because they've never known different, but it's not the whole story. Sometimes you are working with circumstances and background particulars that are like a magnet towards difficulty. And in some ways it's easier to just be able to take whatever rest you can get even if life is far from what you want it to be, and you can't seem to come up with ways to make things better that actually work in real life. But I'm trying. That's why I'm hassling all of you for ideas, lol. 

Edited March 22, 2016 by pinkmint

[ktgrok]

I just wanted to say, my husband is still working on his resume...will get back to you as soon as I can! We didn't forget you! 

[Miss Mousie]

So glad your DH is making moves!

 

As for coding time with a toddler - I think you need to enlist the older two to amuse the toddler while you work.  Maybe make some toys/activities available only when you're not available.

 

And, honestly, you don't have time or energy right now to pay attention to anybody's tsk-tsk-ing.  Focus on doing the work you need to do.  One foot in front of the other and all that.

 

Hugs to you.

[heartlikealion]

We are slowly working through some of the ideas and suggestions. DH contacted a co-worker recommended temp agency, he applied for a job on our county website that is similar to what he does except with possibly slightly better pay and hours, and I am thinking again about continuing the online coding class.

 

It's going to be hard, with the kids and DH's long hours, trying to find a decent block (even one hour) of uninterrupted time each day (toddler currently hanging on me) or a few times a week for me to make any good progress on it but I can try. 

 

I feel like one of the biggest obstacles to getting out of a situation like this is just how exhausting and discouraging everything is. I know there are a lot of people out there who have no sympathy and just think you get what you work for in life... or you have people who seem to think things just "work themselves out" when they are blind to their privilege because they've never known different, but it's not the whole story. Sometimes you are working with circumstances and background particulars that are like a magnet towards difficulty. And in some ways it's easier to just be able to take whatever rest you can get even if life is far from what you want it to be, and you can't seem to come up with ways to make things better that actually work in real life. But I'm trying. That's why I'm hassling all of you for ideas, lol. 

 

Do you want to do the coding? Or does it seem like something you're just forcing yourself to do because you're out of ideas? Just wondering if you'd be better off working on an AA or something. Although you might have to take a minimum of like 3 classes to get financial aid.

[chiguirre]

I feel like one of the biggest obstacles to getting out of a situation like this is just how exhausting and discouraging everything is. I know there are a lot of people out there who have no sympathy and just think you get what you work for in life... or you have people who seem to think things just "work themselves out" when they are blind to their privilege because they've never known different, but it's not the whole story. Sometimes you are working with circumstances and background particulars that are like a magnet towards difficulty. And in some ways it's easier to just be able to take whatever rest you can get even if life is far from what you want it to be, and you can't seem to come up with ways to make things better that actually work in real life. But I'm trying. That's why I'm hassling all of you for ideas, lol. 

Even if nothing else changes, your kids will become more independent and less clingy. You've got another 2 or 3 years before it just gets much easier. I honestly thought my boys would need 24/7 surveillance forever, but then they grew up and are largely independent around the house. I now have whole stretches of time to myself without someone whining or clinging. I no longer dread realizing they've been too quiet for the last 20 minutes. This won't help the economic hardship but it will contribute to your mental health. You just need to get through about 1000 more days.

[Scarlett]

We are slowly working through some of the ideas and suggestions. DH contacted a co-worker recommended temp agency, he applied for a job on our county website that is similar to what he does except with possibly slightly better pay and hours, and I am thinking again about continuing the online coding class.

 

It's going to be hard, with the kids and DH's long hours, trying to find a decent block (even one hour) of uninterrupted time each day (toddler currently hanging on me) or a few times a week for me to make any good progress on it but I can try.

 

I feel like one of the biggest obstacles to getting out of a situation like this is just how exhausting and discouraging everything is. I know there are a lot of people out there who have no sympathy and just think you get what you work for in life... or you have people who seem to think things just "work themselves out" when they are blind to their privilege because they've never known different, but it's not the whole story. Sometimes you are working with circumstances and background particulars that are like a magnet towards difficulty. And in some ways it's easier to just be able to take whatever rest you can get even if life is far from what you want it to be, and you can't seem to come up with ways to make things better that actually work in real life. But I'm trying. That's why I'm hassling all of you for ideas, lol.

Well I sure don't think you get what you work for in life or just suck it up. But my advice is often not as helpful as others because I go straight to the radical. I guess I get that from my mom. When she looks at poverty in inner cities she says, "I would just get my kids and start walking until I got to some decent area."

 

Yeah, mom that might have worked in 1965 but not now..

 

However I do believe that going to a different part of the country is sometimes the answer. Especially when you already have no extended family or other support in the area you are in.

 

I live in a beautiful low COL part of the country. And there are jobs here.

 

I hope you and your Dh find a good solution.

Edited March 22, 2016 by Scarlett

[LucyStoner]

Relocating may be wise, if for no other reason than to put yourself in a state that is more helpful to families in your basic predicament.

[pinkmint]

I have thought about relocating. How do people do that though when they have no job waiting for them, and no knowledge of when or if a job will come up? 

 

The one time we relocated to our current state (TX), it was because of a sort of once in a lifetime situation where a family let us live with them rent free until a job and home to rent could be found. Even then it was hard and I don't think I would do it again that way. 

[LucyStoner]

Not that this is something you should do but when my parents needed to move us to a state where my brother could get the therapy he needed (he has cerebral palsy), they sold everything that wouldn't fit in a VW van and drove three kids 1000+ miles away. We stayed in a cheap motel while my dad found work and my mom took my brother to his state funded disability services. It was flying a bit blind but contining to live in a state where my brother couldn't get help was not an option. My parents were both had faith that things would work out. If I were to do that in a situation like yours, it would be only be to a city and state where there are job opportunities, and ideally, social services available to help you get situated. I also wouldn't do it unless there were no viable options where I lived.

 

One thing though is that Texas itself is a big state with a lot of cities. What about looking for work in another area of Texas where the housing might be more affordable and the job opportunities a bit stronger?

[QueenCat]

Have you considered looking into full-time work and your dh staying home with the kids? That is what we were willing to do if it meant the overall health of the family was better. It wasn't easy deciding that and I'm glad it didn't come to that but I could have gotten a better job in a shorter period of time than him.

 

 

:iagree: I'd figure out who can make the most right now........ and maybe go back to work while your dh stayed home and took care of kids, possibly also furthering his own education at the same time.

[heartlikealion]

I have thought about relocating. How do people do that though when they have no job waiting for them, and no knowledge of when or if a job will come up? 

 

The one time we relocated to our current state (TX), it was because of a sort of once in a lifetime situation where a family let us live with them rent free until a job and home to rent could be found. Even then it was hard and I don't think I would do it again that way. 

 

I would say expand the job search now and start applying all over. This is assuming you haven't already been looking/applying out of the area. I do think it's better to have the job secured first. The cost of renting a U-Haul, Penske truck, etc. alone is an expense. Then of course security deposits or whatnot. Really ought to have a job there. Since dh and I have been together we've moved a few times. One time was the no job secured (when we moved for the unpaid practicum) and the most recent time was for his current job. We struggled with both moves, but it was a little less stressful knowing the last move that we could expect a paycheck in the near future.

 

When I was a kid my dad got laid off and was unemployed for several months. My family did not move until he had a job lined up. Moving from California to Mississippi was completely random to us, but that's where the job was.

 

Do you have a family support system anywhere else? Even if it's to help unload your moving truck or something.

[Scarlett]

Not that this is something you should do but when my parents needed to move us to a state where my brother could get the therapy he needed (he has cerebral palsy), they sold everything that wouldn't fit in a VW van and drove three kids 1000+ miles away. We stayed in a cheap motel while my dad found work and my mom took my brother to his state funded disability services. It was flying a bit blind but contining to live in a state where my brother couldn't get help was not an option. My parents were both had faith that things would work out. If I were to do that in a situation like yours, it would be only be to a city and state where there are job opportunities, and ideally, social services available to help you get situated. I also wouldn't do it unless there were no viable options where I lived.

 

One thing though is that Texas itself is a big state with a lot of cities. What about looking for work in another area of Texas where the housing might be more affordable and the job opportunities a bit stronger?

 

 

My mom did this with my brother and me in 1975.  If it didn't fit in the station wagon we didn't take it.  She drove us 2500 miles across country and we stayed with my Grandmother for a few days before finding a rent house.  Then while looking for a job she found one that including housing...managing a small motel in a small town about an hour from where we landed where my grandmother lived.  

 

I think that would be a good option.....managing apartments somewhere.  I don't know how you go about that....but it might work for you guys.

[eternalsummer]

Definitely in this economic climate I'd not move without 6 months of living expenses in savings or a job. 

 

However, moving out of a high COL area to a lower one, especially in TX which is pretty low COL in many many places (and has decently low unemployment) should not be impossible.  I don't know where you are in TX but your DH should look into jobs outside of your immediate vicinity - if he found a job say 3 hours away and could arrange either a skype interview or a time to interview where he could drive out there, you might really broaden your job opportunities.

 

I know that sometimes things are a lot harder for some people than for others.  I think that for the most part even people who say, "You must just work harder" aren't ignoring their own privilege - they know that they have it easy and you have it harder at the moment.  But you still must work harder, unfortunately, than someone who has more money, or more education, or more skills, or fewer dependents, or whatever.

 

It's kind of like with dieting - some people have very slow metabolisms (mine is a lot slower than DH's!) He can eat all he likes while I have to watch what I eat and get more exercise, and he has no body fat while I am a bit tubby.  This doesn't mean that if he says, "don't eat so many cookies" he doesn't recognize he has the privilege of eating all the cookies he wants; it's just a statement of fact - I can't eat a lot of cookies.

 

Anyway, I agree that all else being equal, in even a year (much less 2 or 3 years), your kids will be a lot more manageable and you will have time to work from home or work toward a degree that you can use to get a good job once they are all school age.  

 

Do you have any interests or skills? (even things that might not seem marketable to you). The coding sounds like a good, marketable skill, even if you dislike doing it and must do it in small increments or lose an hour of sleep every few days to get through it - but if you hate it or are just not good at it, and there is something else you might be better at or at least interested in, the Hive may have some ideas of how to develop that skill/interest into something useful.

[eternalsummer]

Also, going by your other post about apartments, it kind of depends on where you live - but I would definitely do a decent apartment if I could either 1) save $200-$300/month in rent and probably another $100 in utilities (do this for 2 years and you've got $7000-$9000 in the bank, probably enough to move even without a secure job, depending on the area) or 2) move to a school district where I could put the kids in school (this means you can go back to work once the 1 year old is old enough for daycare or even kindy - if you make $1500/month net, this could be your ticket out of your situation in just a year if you save all the $ you make).

 

Kids love apartments.  I loved them as a kid.  As an adult, not so much, but oh well :)

 

Do you qualify for housing assistance?  I know that public housing is hard to get into and often just terrible, but sometimes you can find landlords in nicer suburbs that will accept section 8, I think.  I lived in a suburb of Kansas City where the schools were rated 7-8+ on GreatSchools and there was Section 8 housing in the catchment area; rent was approx. $750 for a three bed. apartment even without Section 8, so a suburb might be a better idea anyway if you can find one nearish your area.

[HSmomof2]

Regarding updating his resume, check to see if your library has access to the database Job Now. I just learned about this today at our library. It will guide him through creating a resume, even giving what's the best 'language' to use to describe skills and experience. Then there is live resume review available....an HR professional will review and give feedback on the resume. There is also live job coaching and interview prep. All free with your library card. Really an awesome resource if you have access to it.

[Tsuga]

This is basically what I was thinking. If I were to tell someone that I feel competent to do a great job of caring for their child I would be lying. Plus our home is not exactly spacious (under 1000 sq ft) and of course the big reason is that I do not feel like I have margin in my current parenting endeavors with my own 3 kids. Plus I just do not like other people's kids  :leaving:

 

I know some people out there probably think beggars can't be choosers etc, and that I should do anything I can but I think it's important to know your limits. 

 

You are so right to acknowledge this.

 

I would have loved to do child care during our  military days--but I knew I would be horrid at it. I simply am not the person who can care for other people's kids for long periods of time.

 

 

 

 

 How do people do that though when they have no job waiting for them, and no knowledge of when or if a job will come up? 

 

Honestly? I haven't done it and neither did my mom. I re-located to my family state for school, but after being admitted and having secured financial aid.

 

Your DH has a no-fun, low-paying job, but he has a job in a low COL area. I wouldn't give that up for two birds in the bush, personally.

 

I think that there are many options and would encourage you to be patient.

 

At your kids' ages, you have time. It took me:

 

--One year to find a time to turn my husband's threats into a divorce

--One year to prepare for and apply to graduate school

--Two years to finish graduate coursework

--One year to decide to move my income up, and at the same time, commit to a life partner

--Two years to get my salary into a manageable range.

 

I already have a bachelor's, I have a supportive family, and we only have two kids, and of course my ex pays child support so the kids starving was never an issue. Some of that time overlapped, but basically, it has taken me six years to get from "this is not working" to get to near where I want!

 

So, patience is a virtue. Set a long term goal and some short term goals. Brainstorm. And then work at it. You can do this but this is a long-term thing.

 

:grouphug:

[Tsuga]

Wow, just realized I achieved a major life goal in the six years my children were pre-school aged (0 through 5 for the littlest one, shortly after whose birth he left me for the second time, ugh)!

 

Part of that I was working from home, part of it I was in school, I took out student loans... gee whiz, I didn't realize I was so persistent.

Edited March 23, 2016 by Tsuga

[pinkmint]

Thank you again for the input everyone. I am processing.

 

I just wanted to say that as far as this being a low COL area, I think that's misleading. The biggish city that DH works in and that we live in a small suburb of, has rated as one of the worst in the entire US for income inequality, meaning the poor are very poor (with high crime) and the rich are very rich... and strangly the very poor and very rich neighborhoods are in relatively close proximity to each other. So I think it averages out to a "low cost of living" when the reality is that there are basically no good in-between, medium income type areas. 

 

Plus cost of living has gone up like a rocket here the past few years. In some suburbs I think it is still a good place for medium income people, but we are not even that, and it would make DH's commute very long. I looked online at apartments anywhere near DH's work, anywhere near our budget, and there are lots of what are known as "prison flats" type apartments that cost even more than what we pay now. The type where the online reviews say "my cousin was murdered at this apartment complex" etc. Then you have nice, clean, decent looking apartments that rent for $2000/ month for a 2 bedroom. Who can afford that?! Is that normal? 

 

 

[creekland]

Typical rent around here for a reasonably decent place runs between $900 (apt/townhouse) to $1500 (very nice house or new townhouse - great location).  There are places that rent for less, and plenty in between, of course.

 

Jobs seem to be plentiful based upon Help Wanted signs and our county's low unemployment rate (4%).  Whether those jobs fit you might be a different story, but there seems to be a bit of variety.

 

We're in South Central PA.

[Alicia64]

((((Hey Pink,))))

 

I commend you for asking on here -- excellent idea. Do you have health insurance? You might want to consider getting on a depression med. like Welbutrin. It's hard to forge a new life if you're incredibly down.

 

Just fyi: there's something called dysthymia. It's a very low grade depression that just makes every day "blah." It's not major depression: you can get out of bed, fix dinner etc. but you don't enjoy anything. Everyday is a struggle. A depression med. can really help w/ dysthymia. I suffered for decades and when I finally got on it, it was like the sun came out.

 

I'm not sure I understand why you can't have a garden. I also rent. Paying rent means you pay for the  yard in back. And if you're in an apartment, then you can make a container garden.

 

I say this because it sounds a bit like you're falling into the ". .  yes, but" thing. People give good advice and you say "yes, but." I mean you can have a container garden at your kitchen sink.

 

You want to think outside of the box. I mean really outside of the box. I would seriously pursue the Mike Rowe suggestion. Have you ever watched his shows? One was called Dirty Jobs and he has a new one. I also want you to watch HGTV's Flip or Flop show. In the opener they explain how they thought outside of the box. Nothing you or I can do, but they're demonstrating how to think outside of the box. I hope you'll watch it. You can even see the opener on You Tube.

 

Here's an out of the box: South Dakota. There's jobs and money there from everything I've heard. I hope you'll research it.

 

I see you have a baby -- everyone is blue and tired and "done" when they're dealing with a baby. They're seriously hard work, you know!! :) (I'm teasing because we all know.)

 

Stay in touch -- I'd love to be helpful. Btw, what state are you in?

 

Alley

[Alicia64]

Thank you again for the input everyone. I am processing.

 

I just wanted to say that as far as this being a low COL area, I think that's misleading. The biggish city that DH works in and that we live in a small suburb of, has rated as one of the worst in the entire US for income inequality, meaning the poor are very poor (with high crime) and the rich are very rich... and strangly the very poor and very rich neighborhoods are in relatively close proximity to each other. So I think it averages out to a "low cost of living" when the reality is that there are basically no good in-between, medium income type areas. 

 

Plus cost of living has gone up like a rocket here the past few years. In some suburbs I think it is still a good place for medium income people, but we are not even that, and it would make DH's commute very long. I looked online at apartments anywhere near DH's work, anywhere near our budget, and there are lots of what are known as "prison flats" type apartments that cost even more than what we pay now. The type where the online reviews say "my cousin was murdered at this apartment complex" etc. Then you have nice, clean, decent looking apartments that rent for $2000/ month for a 2 bedroom. Who can afford that?! Is that normal? 

 

I wanted to add that if you're in an expensive state/region, I'm not one to say "stay." Moving is crazy costly, yes, but moving to a state that gives you a better quality of life is what many of have done.

 

We did it. We moved out of CA -- just couldn't afford it. DH had a very good job that wasn't paying well at all. So we bit the bullet and took off. There are ways to make moving cheaper. It doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg -- if you're thinking outside of the box.

 

Alley

 

[Susan in KY]

Figure out a way for him to go to a two year trade school. You could work at a place like ALDI, earn decent pay and benefits, and he could learn a trade and make a significant amount. Welding +CDL is a great combo, but so is HVAC, electrician, plumbing, etc. You only have to be willing to work to boost your earning potential, and investing two years into training seems to me like it would pay off dividends. Small business owners are STRUGGLING to find people with good work ethics, and the old guard is now retiring and looking for new blood to take over their businesses.

 

Make a plan and get out of there. You'll wind up with a shipwrecked family if you don't. The things I "hear" when I read your post, "I am already struggling through periods of depression, anxiety, living in a semi-ghetto area, isolation etc.," these are issues that are non-negotiable in terms of making sure they get taken care of NOW. Not just for you, but for the longevity of your family and health and well-being of your kids. They need to know that they can change bad situations in life by being pro-active and problem solving.

 

Were I in your shoes, we would be moving to an area of the country we love, finding a place to live that was full of bright light in a good school district, and DH and I would BOTH go back to school. You can suspend homeschooling for a while while you get your feet on the ground. There is no need to keep doing the same thing in the same place with no support system. You're making a choice to stay, a choice to let some one own all your time and all your life, and you must decide that those things are not for sale at any price.

[Alicia64]

Figure out a way for him to go to a two year trade school. You could work at a place like ALDI, earn decent pay and benefits, and he could learn a trade and make a significant amount. Welding +CDL is a great combo, but so is HVAC, electrician, plumbing, etc. You only have to be willing to work to boost your earning potential, and investing two years into training seems to me like it would pay off dividends. Small business owners are STRUGGLING to find people with good work ethics, and the old guard is now retiring and looking for new blood to take over their businesses.

 

Make a plan and get out of there. You'll wind up with a shipwrecked family if you don't. The things I "hear" when I read your post, "I am already struggling through periods of depression, anxiety, living in a semi-ghetto area, isolation etc.," these are issues that are non-negotiable in terms of making sure they get taken care of NOW. Not just for you, but for the longevity of your family and health and well-being of your kids. They need to know that they can change bad situations in life by being pro-active and problem solving.

 

Were I in your shoes, we would be moving to an area of the country we love, finding a place to live that was full of bright light in a good school district, and DH and I would BOTH go back to school. You can suspend homeschooling for a while while you get your feet on the ground. There is no need to keep doing the same thing in the same place with no support system. You're making a choice to stay, a choice to let some one own all your time and all your life, and you must decide that those things are not for sale at any price.

 

Best. Advice.

[Miss Mousie]

I just wanted to say that as far as this being a low COL area, I think that's misleading. The biggish city that DH works in and that we live in a small suburb of, has rated as one of the worst in the entire US for income inequality, meaning the poor are very poor (with high crime) and the rich are very rich... and strangly the very poor and very rich neighborhoods are in relatively close proximity to each other. So I think it averages out to a "low cost of living" when the reality is that there are basically no good in-between, medium income type areas. 

 

<snip>

 

The bit in bold tells me that an idea I had earlier (but didn't mention) may be possible.  Can you get to the rich neighborhood relatively easily and do some house- or office-cleaning for the rich folks?  I know people sometimes bring their kids along, so no need for daycare.  Maybe you can phone an agency or two and see what's involved.  It is also possible that an agency will already have someone in your area who is willing to pick you up... you never know.

 

 

[pinkmint]

Thanks, ladies. I'm probably going to stop responding because it's a lot to take in, to open myself up to hundreds of people who have assorted ideas about what we should do. I'm having some anxiety about everything coming at me. Trying to think of a plan to change our situation always gives me anxiety too anyway. I feel overwhelmed and confused, and I already feel overwhelmed and confused with my daily responsibilities. 

 

FYI I have been on different antidepressants over the years (Wellbutrin was actually the last one I was on) and they all have some messed up side effect with questionable benefit. That's just where I'm at with that. 

 

The idea of standing up heroicly with a cape on and plowing through the difficulties and saying "I won't stand for this!" sounds really great in theory. And yes, maybe I am self defeating in some ways but I don't want to be. I ask God to change me. I am tired and overwhelmed though. And for the record, I don't see ourselves as choosing to make things harder by not living near family. I don't want to go into it but DH and I both come from small, fractured families with difficult relationships (it's a big part of why we hit it off in the first place with those things in common). Believe me, I wish we had the kind of situation where we could live with family and get on our feet. Again, I don't want to go into details and be even more exposed in public. But if I told you all about it you would understand the level of difficulty. 

 

But yeah, I'd love to make a plan TODAY and take off somewhere in our minivan determined to make a better life somewhere (sounds like a fun adventure actually). I'm not saying we can't or won't do it, it's just risky and hard to know exactly how to go about it with small children in tow, and expecting to get hired after quitting a job just because we don't like it, you know?

Edited March 23, 2016 by pinkmint

[eternalsummer]

No, I definitely wouldn't leave with just your van and kids in tow and no job; that is, imo, a terrible idea in today's economy.  I would do that if I had 6 months of living expenses in savings.  It is hard to even find a place to rent without a job, much less afford that place!

 

I know of a lot of cities that are hard like that; in KC (the city I sort of grew up in, after age 10) the downtown area was largely unlivable if what you wanted was a middle-class or lower-middle class life without a middle class salary.  People who live there are largely either poor (and have to send their kids to the bad schools so they can work to feed themselves) or middle/upper middle class, and send their kids to private school or homeschool.  Rents are not that much cheaper than in the suburbs (for the bad housing), and for the good housing it is easily 3x the cost as the suburbs.

 

We lived in a suburb about 30 minutes drive from downtown; much much more in the way of middle-of-the-road housing and good schools.  It was mostly a bedroom community, so my mom had to commute an hour there and back, I think.

 

If you do eventually decide to look for another place to live, I'd look either at cities with better traffic situations (and smaller ones) so that you can live in the 'burbs but still not be too far from a city-based job or ideally even more mid-sized cities.  We live in Colorado Springs now; it has maybe 500,000 metro area?  You can safely live downtown, and rent is maybe $850 for a decent 3 bedroom apartment, $1000 for a decent (middle of the road or slightly lower) 3 bedroom house.  

 

Much more doable than $2000!  That is crazy, and not low COL imo.

 

I think Tsuga's advice was the best: if possible, think of this as a long-term fix.  the likelihood of turning your situation around so that you are living a middle class life instead of a lower/working class life in 6 months is low.  The possibility (once you develop a plan and stick to it) of turning it around in 3 or 4 years is much higher, esp. as your kids get older and more self-sufficient.  

 

Unfortunately the days when one blue-collar income could support a family in the US (with some exception for union workers and some trades) are gone.  For the most part, a middle class life will require either a marketable higher education, a trade, a successful small business, or two incomes.  You can definitely achieve one of those four things (and maybe more than one!) in several years with careful planning.

[vonfirmath]

I have thought about relocating. How do people do that though when they have no job waiting for them, and no knowledge of when or if a job will come up? 

 

The one time we relocated to our current state (TX), it was because of a sort of once in a lifetime situation where a family let us live with them rent free until a job and home to rent could be found. Even then it was hard and I don't think I would do it again that way. 

 

We moved to Texas without a job -- but we had savings to tide us over. It would be a LOT more difficult to do without that savings.

 

7 years ago, we paid $900 for a 2 bedroom apartment in the Austin area.  The prices have gone up (Scarily. We could not afford to live where we are if we had not purchased a house. Rentals here are not affordable -- ~$1400 for a 3 bedroom house), but they are not $2000!

 

When we moved to Texas, we applied all over Houston, Dallas, Austin. But knew if we could not find a job before we moved, that we were coming to Austin. The weather is better here. Too hot and humid in Houston and too much ice/snow in Dallas/Fort Worth.

Edited March 23, 2016 by vonfirmath

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[katilac]

 

Were I in your shoes, we would be moving to an area of the country we love, finding a place to live that was full of bright light in a good school district, and DH and I would BOTH go back to school. You can suspend homeschooling for a while while you get your feet on the ground. There is no need to keep doing the same thing in the same place with no support system. You're making a choice to stay, a choice to let some one own all your time and all your life, and you must decide that those things are not for sale at any price.

 

I don't get this - if you don't have savings or a good income, you can't just pick a place and move there. That takes money. And renting in  good school district is of course more expensive, that's one of the biggest selling points. 

 

I would agree with suspending home schooling in order to work or train, but the OP has a one-yr-old baby. Unless she finds a program that provides childcare (rare), then she won't be able to afford it. 

 

Definitely, I agree that the OP needs to start planning, but that's why she's here: to get ideas on changing her current situation. If she could just pick up and move, I'm sure she would have done that already. 

 

She needs to stay focused and look at all possibilities. We need to remember how hard it can be on the financial edge with no backup.