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What does one do when they hate their job but feel unable to quit?


pinkmint
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DH has been at his current job for a little over 3 years and we both pretty much hate it. He is the sole provider, fyi. I am not going to give every detail since this is a public forum but I'll say he works in an office and it is more of a blue collar scenario. The pay is not great. It's not even what most people would call "good". When he doesn't get overtime, his hourly wage at 40 hours/ week puts us just slightly above the poverty line for our family size. 

 

For almost the whole time he's been there we've been (unsuccessfully so far) looking for a different job for him. His boss is not nice, let's just say that. So that's one thing. Another thing is the overtime. It's what most people would consider unreasonable. Working 10 hour days, 7 days a week (with a 45 min commute each way = 1.5 hours total per day) is our normal for a good part of the year. Not just that, but they give him maybe an hours notice about if he's working late that day, and Friday afternoon notice if he's working one or both weekend days (he's basically living out the movie "Office Space" in that regard). We can plan nothing in our life. If I pretend I don't have a husband than it's ok, but I do have one, I just can't involve him in any freaking thing because of this. He hates it and I do too. 

 

We have zero family support in that we don't live anywhere near anyone, but besides have difficult relationships all around anyway. It's important for DH to be present in this life we have together. I am already struggling through periods of depression, anxiety, living in a semi-ghetto area, isolation etc. I do not at all feel like I have my act together as a SAHM and/ or homeschooler. I really need him and he wants to be here but can't because the guy is responsible and wants to provide for us. Which I can appreciate and be thankful for. 

 

But it gets to a point where my kids can't have their dad and I can't have my husband just so we can pay rent and eat. DH does not have any college and is not what you'd call someone with a lot of earning power but I want to have hope. 

 

Any ideas are appreciated. 

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Well in that case we would both be actively looking for jobs and also brainstorming on whether or not there is a small business we could start. For me, it would be expanding my pet sitting business. My dh had a period of time in which the job he loved became unbearable for our family so I started expanding my pet sitting and getting my resume out there. We also let friends and family know how bad it was and they kept an eye out on job openings. He was offered 2 jobs from friends and family that he ultimately turned down out of fear, he'd been at the same place for 12 years and for the most part loved it.

 

For us we ended up holding out at the job and waiting out the tough time because we knew it was just a period of time. We are finally back to normal and increased pay but it sucks when you are living in it.

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I'm not against doing what I can to earn money. I even thought about waitressing, which I have experience in. It's just that I could not commit to any part time job on account of DH's frequent and unpredictable overtime (he would need to watch the kids if I worked) . As far as doing something from home, I wish I was clever enough to come up with something. Haven't been able to so far. Also, I feel like I am drowning most of the time in my parenting and the supposed schooling I'm doing. I do not know where the free time/ mental/ emotional resource is supposed to come from. 

 

I might end up deleting this like I've been doing here lately. I'm just feeling a little desperate for hope that our situation can change.

 

Every Friday when they give him the weekend-ruining news (he has to work both tomorrow/saturday and sun long hours) I feel raw and desperate even though I know it's coming I always hold out hope for the rare weekend day off. 

Edited by pinkmint
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Resume. Headhunters for his type of work.

Have you looked into Mike Rowe Works? I don't know if it is open right now, I think there is a particular month in which you apply.

Keep an eye on craigslist jobs for your area.

If you like to bake: check your state's cottage food industry laws.

Hey, I understand about the hours. It almost makes it impossible for you to try to hold down a job in the evenings, since you never know his schedule. It's NOT a schedule. I get it!

Can you offer childcare for a kid or two after school?

 

 

 

 

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By the way, does anyone have an opinion on paying a service/ person to write your resume for you? One of DH's former coworkers who escaped said he had a resume writing service do his and thinks it's worth doing. 

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Have you considered looking into full-time work and your dh staying home with the kids? That is what we were willing to do if it meant the overall health of the family was better. It wasn't easy deciding that and I'm glad it didn't come to that but I could have gotten a better job in a shorter period of time than him.

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I'd be looking at a way to bring in money to save and very slowly build to take some pressure off dh. I might try 

1. babysitting in my home or 

2. dogwalking/petsitting (I'd put the toddler in a backpack and have the older ones walk along and help any way appropriate) Since the neighborhood isn't great this activity may mean spending some of the day walking to another neighborhood to do the work and going back home. 

 

I'd research what the locality offers that could be good for future jobs, certifications like microsoft office or something. I'd look for something that's done one evening a week and encourage dh to sign up and tell the boss he's never available 7-10 pm on Thursdays. Yes this would be more time away from family, but it would be aquiring skills to get to a better job. 

 

I'd continue applying for anything and everything. I'd encourage dh to consider jobs that were part time + benefits as well as full time. Many local governments have part time+benefits jobs. So dh could have insurance and be working 20-25 hours and then look for another hourly part time or look to fill the other hours with useful job training. 

 

 

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Have you considered looking into full-time work and your dh staying home with the kids? That is what we were willing to do if it meant the overall health of the family was better. It wasn't easy deciding that and I'm glad it didn't come to that but I could have gotten a better job in a shorter period of time than him.

 

We've certainly thought of that. The challenge is that I never established any sort of real career before my SAHM life. I was a barista, waitress, retail worker, did very minor and crappy graphic design on the side, was in a rock band briefly etc. And now I've been completely out of the game for 8 years. I am really doubtful of my ability to out-earn DH. 

Edited by pinkmint
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How old is he?

 

At that income point, unless he only has a few good working years left and I think you guys are younger than that, I wonder if it wouldn't be wiser for him to drop to a PT job, go on whatever assistance you can get (housing, food, energy etc) and have one or both of you go to college for something that will get you out of borderline poverty long term. There are many public colleges and universities with online options these days if there aren't campuses nearby. The student grants and loans would supplement your living expenses. If he's not academically inclined, look into a better paying, in demand trade that he could get into with just 1-2 years of education. It would be tight, and hard work but there would be a light at the end of the tunnel provided he chooses his area of study wisely.

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I'm mid 30s. DH is early 40s. We both wasted a lot of time in early adulthood before we met and our values changed a lot but now we don't have the preparation for what our life is now and the rubber us already hitting the road bc of kids.

 

But those are some good things to think about Lucy Stoner, thank you.

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I don't know the ages of your kids (I'm on a tablet and can't see sig lines), but if they are all school age, I'd consider putting them in school and finding a job during that time. Hopefully that would make it easier for your DH to find a job with saner hours, since he could afford to take a (hopefully temporary) pay cut.

 

Homeschooling is wonderful, but time with Dad is super important too.

 

I have a hard time remembering everyone's details, so I apologize if there are reasons this won't work.

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I agree with Lucy. Not necessarily college degree (not sure how it is where you live, but college cost here is frightening), but would he be interested in some sort of degree/trade? Just anything that in the long run would help him get a better job. I can't imagine what you are going through, it sounds like a very tough situation. I'm sorry :(

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Sounds like both you and DH mainly hate the long overtime hours.  Does this mean that your expenses would be covered by a 40-hour job?  Is his overtime hours at a higher payrate?  Are you able to squirrel this away into savings?  I'd be trying to build a hefty savings fund with the extra pay so that DH would have the flexibility, at some point, to take a lower paying job with saner hours.

 

If all the overtime pay is needed for your living expenses, you and DH are kind of stuck.  If they cut back his hours, which it sounds like you want for a better family life, then the financial stress will increase. 

 

If the ages of your kids on the bottom of your posts is accurate, you can relax about whether you are doing enough for homeschooling. 

 

Do you know anyone else with kids who may be interesting in swapping childcare hours?  That may give you some time either for a very part-time job OR, at least, some time to yourself, which I can certainly understand needing since you are carrying the heavy parenting load.

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I think I would try to make a game out of saving money.

I'd use "Your Money Or Your Life" and "The Complete Tightwad Gazette" to get ideas, and to help me reframe the 'feel' of the situation to one of empowerment and working toward a good goal instead of deprivation.  Some kind of cool veggie or fruit or herb gardening would be part of it.  Since I like to bake and to knit, I'd try to figure out how to make some money that way.  I'd probably get some chickens for eggs, and maybe even sell some eggs.  I'd try to be a happy homesteader and take pride in being a great bargain hunter.  I'd look forward to finding those eggs, and getting an even better deal on that flour.  That reframing thing is HUGE.

 

And I would try to reframe the time with my husband also.  I'd have some kind of celebratory thing at the beginning of every week.  I'd have one fancy dessert per week with the kid taking turns decorating it, or making cards, or something.  Daddy Night!  I'd make that something to look forward to for me and for everyone else.  Reframe.

 

And I'd make sure I figured out some way to get nourished emotionally myself, whether it was a hiking club once a month or a mom's night out club once a month or a trip to the library and my own book to read once a week or or or or or...Something to look forward to.  Reframe.

 

I'd figure out an opportunity to be generous.  Maybe I'd start a Little Free Library.  Maybe I'd give away some homemade bread at church to a different person every week or two (I like to bake, and homemade bread is not expensive if you buy dry goods in bulk).  Maybe I'd offer to host a playdate with another family.  Maybe I'd go to the creek and look for tadpoles with another family, and bring them home to raise.  Maybe I'd go grab a bunch of fridge boxes and let the kids and their friends start their own town of 'clubhouses'.  Maybe I'd call an elderly person in my extended family twice a month.  Even if I was poor, I could still be kind and generous, which means I'm not really poor.  Something to look forward to. Reframe.

 

 

Edited by Carol in Cal.
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I think Katie (LucyStoner) gave some good advice.

 

If you can pay your rent and food on one part-time job (yours or his), you will still be at poverty level and qualify for free tuition. That would allow one of you to re-train. It would be tough but he could get into a trade.

 

I went back to college (for an advanced degree, but still) at 33. My partner just went back to community college for a different degree at 39. He is not the oldest person in his class. Neither was I. You would NOT be alone in that. Never too old, in my opinion. I would not take out loans, but if you can just pay housing, food, and maybe utilities, NOTHING else, and get aid and scholarships for the rest, it could work.

 

Depending on where you live, it may be useful to look at the top trades in your area and get into an apprenticeship program or something. Some of those programs are 

 

There is also the question of whether it would be possible for you to live more nearby where he works so the commute takes less time.

 

I know a lot of families that need at least 60 hours of work per week to survive and you guys aren't alone. My neighbors are in a similar position to you... just didn't see the point until later in life, and then it hit them like a ton of bricks. 

 

:grouphug:

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When we were in a similar position, but no kids, I emailed all my friends and acquaintances and told them I was looking for a job. I ended up getting a job at a university working with a friend's husband. The benefits were significantly better, pay was a little better, and they paid for me to take two classes every semester. I started working on a masters degree.

 

My husband worked for a construction type company and was constantly having last minute overtime situations too. He cut back to part time at that job and went back to college. He got an engineering degree and is now doing pretty well. Those couple of years he was in college were tough! He did an alternating co-op (like a paid internship) every other semester to pay for school. The co-op paid well, paid a stipend for housing, and offered a lot of overtime. He was 3 hours away during the week and worked every bit of overtime he could then came home on weekends. The experience was invaluable and they offered him a job before he graduated.

 

My friend got a job working at a sleep study center overnights. They paid for her certification and she was able to get paid full time but only work 2-3 days per week. They also found a rent free situation doing chores on a small farm in return for housing. That was sort of a once in a lifetime deal though but I'm hoping it may spark an idea for you.

 

I think from past threads I remember that you rent. Is there something keeping you in your current area vs moving closer to your husband's work? Could he move to another town and do a similar job for more money? What type of education/experience does your husband have? Are the weekends mandatory? What happens if your husband says he will work Sat/Sun but now needs Monday off? Do you have a degree? Could you substitute teach or work at a private school for a year or two to ease the financial pressure on your husband until he finds a different job?

 

You don't have to answer these questions and I know you are feeling vulnerable, I just am giving you things to think about to hopefully improve your situation.

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As far as the reframing notion. I can appreciate that. I really can. I understand the importance of contentment, and making the best of one's situation. Those are Christian virtues. I can't do a garden and raise chickens because of our renting situation, but I see the gist of what your saying. I think there is a time and place for that, and there's a time and place for knowing a situation is causing a great deal of hardship and not working. Being on the poorer side of things, having no family support and being by myself most of the time is exhausting mind, body and soul. 

 

Certainly we have been in this situation, or a variation of it for the whole time we've been married, so I have learned a lot. I am not good at being contented, optimistic, etc. so I look for what God is trying to show me, or what good is coming out of the difficulties. I don't think everyone can necessarily achieve all their goals and dreams. Sometimes you're working against forces beyond your control, that prevent a comfy life, just like some people seem to have success set up for them from their upbringing onward. 

 

But I want to try if I can to improve our situation. 

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And as far as living near DH's work, we can't afford the rents. Anyway he works in an area that is an odd mixture of scary, beat-down, dangerous neighborhoods and wealthy neighborhoods (seems like this is becoming more common is bigger-ish cities). 

 

Thank you everyone for the input though. DH and I are trying to decide what to do. 

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Can you move?

 

Can you both get PT jobs  - two different shifts?

 

As others suggested - walk a dog, watch a child, clean someone's house

 

Also, does his job know that he doesn't want to be working all those hours?  If he never refuses, may be they think he wants the extra money

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If there is a Habitat for Humanity organization in your area, consider applying. You sound like their target demographic (hovering at or a bit above the poverty level, living in an unsafe area etc) The mortgage would be less than rent in most places and you'd gain some security for your kids in terms of a place to grow up. It's a long process (you have to volunteer for 500 hours but people from your church or friends can volunteer and donate those hours to you) but it's a nice organization with Christian values. I think it would be something to investigate.

Edited by LucyStoner
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I agree with Lucy. Not necessarily college degree (not sure how it is where you live, but college cost here is frightening), but would he be interested in some sort of degree/trade? Just anything that in the long run would help him get a better job. I can't imagine what you are going through, it sounds like a very tough situation. I'm sorry :(

If they haven't been to school before and at their income level, they almost certainly qualify for a Pell Grant, subsidized federal loans and depending on the state, some other state grants. Also, there are online options from state and non-profit sources that can mostly be paid for by a Pell grant.

 

The only wrinkle would be if the student has used up their Pell eligibility before or if they have been convicted of a felony drug offense.

 

Another note: Starbucks baristas who work more than 19 hours a week are eligible for free tuition to the online arm of Arizona State University.

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I don't think everyone can necessarily achieve all their goals and dreams. Sometimes you're working against forces beyond your control, that prevent a comfy life, just like some people seem to have success set up for them from their upbringing onward.

 

But I want to try if I can to improve our situation.

I totally understand that, as someone who walked away from private college scholarships to stay close to home and care for a sibling while going to state school and then later as someone who fell into a career I didn't much care for at all because I had a child and not because I didn't want to do something else educationally. Truthfully, the advanced degree I am working towards now (slowly, while homeschooling my sons) is something I find reasonably enjoyable, tolerable and that will help us financially in the long run. It's not something that I would have picked at 20 or something that I would do now if I didn't have a family. Well, maybe the same education but not the same end goal if that makes sense.

 

Whatever you do to improve your situation, it is a worthy goal and you aren't too old.

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If I were you, I'd first look at getting any help you can for the time being.  WIC, housing assistance, SNAP, medical, whatever - anything to ease things up for a little while.  It doesn't have to be long-term, just while you take steps to get on your feet a little more.

 

With your husband's unpredictable schedule, and the ages of your children, I would seriously look into providing childcare, at least part time.  I've babysat for the past 4.5 years, two days a week for a toddler and preschooler (and their sister after school).  It doesn't bring in a ton of money, but it has definitely helped, having that additional income - especially with unexpected things like medical bills.

 

I also think that if your husband is working that many hours and with that kind of commute, he could find something closer for comparable pay at least.  Perhaps without the overtime.  Depending on the benefits he currently gets, working two part-time jobs could actually be about the same money, with less stress and less hours.

 

I think long-term, a better job is what your family needs, but there are certainly things you can do to help in the short run to help that come about.

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My first thought is that one or both of you might explore getting some additional training or education to see if that opens up more possibilities. It doesn't have to be college or anything expensive or terribly time consuming. But I would try taking a serious look at what skills you both have and think about how you might branch out, then look for accessible ways to get that training.

 

By the way, does anyone have an opinion on paying a service/ person to write your resume for you? One of DH's former coworkers who escaped said he had a resume writing service do his and thinks it's worth doing. 

 

Before you decide to pay for resume writing or any other job search assistance, please check with your local library and other agencies to see if they offer any similar services for free or cheap.

 

Our county library has a large range of online databases available, many of which patrons can access from home for free with a library card, including tons of good resources for job hunting and career devolopment.

 

One of those services is called ResumeMaker, and it walks you through creating a clean, professional-looking resume one step at a time. For free.

 

The library also offers a series of in-person classes on all aspects of job hunting, from writing resumes, cover letters and thank yous to where and how to search for jobs and improving interview skills. Again, the classes are free.

 

And they offer all kinds of technology classes, beginning with "Introduction to Computers" through using the internet and the Microsoft Office suite and building web pages and so on. The classes are offered in person and (a smaller range) online. And there are online, self-paced tutorials, too. I don't know what field your husband is in, but if refreshing/updating/building his skill set in those areas would open up opportunities, there may well be resources accessible for him.

 

(Another good option is the online tutorials offered here: http://www.gcflearnfree.org/topics. As with the library programs, these tutorials are all free. The organization offers some good online classes, too, although it looks like they are in the process of updating them and have taken those offline temporarily.)

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Do you attend church? Maybe an elder or the pastor could recommend someone within the church who could offer some career advice.

 

They may be aware of someone trying to rent out a house in a safer neighborhood or needing to hire someone that would be a good fit for your husband.

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That's why adults go back to college.

 

One cheap but time consuming option is to learn programming with free online resources.  Udacity is a decent place to start, though I think their first course is unnecessarily complicated compared to the intro to programming classes I took in college.  Don't pay for their counseling services, just do the courses for free. Do the portfolio projects. Get some experience and an online portfolio at GitHub.  Volunteer for a few projects you believe in or charities, add them to your portfolio and resume.  Take at home contract jobs so you can make more than your DH does, but part time. There are even companies that help women find programming jobs to work from home.  Skillcrush has a ton of YouTube videos about this if you're even remotely interested.

 

Your DH should seriously consider going back to school for a high paying field (60K in rural areas, more than 100K in large cities).  There are probably a dozen to choose from.  Some take just a year or two in community college, others take a 4 year degree. Take student loans and go on whatever sort of public assistance you can get.  I really recommend looking at community colleges in your area and seeing which programs they have that pay more than 60K straight out of school.  Also look at the websites of schools closer to home where you would have family support.  The reason is that which fields pay what varies greatly by area.  For example, in parts of the country a 2-year paramedic degree pays more than $60k.  In other parts of the country it's barely half that.

 

If you're both really unhappy and you want to work too, you can find a state university with family apartments and move in.  You'll probably need loans, you might need to put kids in school or daycare (some state universities have schools and day cares that are really high quality and cheap for the children of students). Another option IF you have loving and supportive family with good boundaries and a big house is to ask your parents to move your family in with them while you go back to school.

 

There are many fields in community colleges that pay that amount, but what they are varies.  For 4-year degrees, you're probably looking at specialized business degrees (Accounting, Finance, possibly Marketing depending on area), Tech (Computer Science, MIS or equivalent easier business/programming hybrid), Math (or applied math programs such as Actuarial Science), Engineering (almost all fields, there's a field fit for every personality if you have the discipline to get through the math and to study hard), and a few medical areas (Nursing, some other programs like nuclear imaging, respiratory therapy, etc, that in some states can be done at community college).  I'm sure I'm forgetting some.  The point is, one of them will fit your personalities and still provide you with a quite decent standard of living.  Do accept whatever benefits you qualify for: family medical insurance through the school at a reduced cost, food stamps, WIC, or anything else so you can take out as small of student loans as possible.

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If they haven't been to school before and at their income level, they almost certainly qualify for a Pell Grant, subsidized federal loans and depending on the state, some other state grants. Also, there are online options from state and non-profit sources that can mostly be paid for by a Pell grant.

 

The only wrinkle would be if the student has used up their Pell eligibility before or if they have been convicted of a felony drug offense.

 

Another note: Starbucks baristas who work more than 19 hours a week are eligible for free tuition to the online arm of Arizona State University.

Had totally forgotten about Pell grants. Well, not forgotten... just kind of blocked them off since it seems harder for young adults to get them. Totally not the op's situation though. Sorry I called you Lucy, your forum name tricks me all the time :)
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When my hubby was in what felt like a dead end situation he made a complete career change. It was frightening but he was desperate. He found an option that required little training and minimal cash.

 

It paid off both financially, and emotionally. We are in a much better place with our stress levels and overall life contentment. I honestly am not sure how much longer we could lived under those stressful circumstances.

 

I know it's hard, I'm sending well wishes to both of you. Adulting is not easy.

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I will echo what Lucy Stoner has suggested. Forty is not too old to go back to school. There will be FAFSA, student aid / loans and the hope for a better future which has tremendous motivational power. Is there something he wishes he had learned or earned a degree in a certain field? My dh went back to college in his mid-thirties and it was well worth it. I am currently earning another degree and I am well past forty, ahem...

 

You guys are still young and there are a lot of working years left. It comes close to drudgery when you have to imagine decades after decades in a job that is unpredictable and the work environment is unpleasant.

BTW, isn't it illegal to work 10 hours a day for 7 days? If I am reading this right, he never has a day off and this is happening for a majority of the work year???

 

Check into online, accredited universities, talk to an advisor, if you attend church, make your need known. Someone may need a part-time or full-time employee in an area your dh would like to learn. If nothing comes of this, I'd check with an employment agency for sure for part time work if he returns to college or full time work if he'd rather just switch jobs.

 

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I don't have a lot of advice but hugs and btdt though not quite so low income. Dh got into a situation with crazy hours and salary so not getting extra income. Eventually I did the maths and he realised he was earning less than the apprentices based on an hourly rate and changed situations.

 

Reframing is helpful for a while but eventually you can't reframe away exploitation and exhaustion and desperation they get to you. I know for me personally to have added a part time job or work from home would have pretty much tipped us over the edge - it was bad and busy and impossible enough anyway.

 

Is he struggling with the situation as much as you are? I think if there aren't alternatives for other jobs retraining would be the best move. Dealing with a few years of poverty with and end goal is much better than dealing with overwork and low income with no end in sight forever.

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I doubt I can add anything new, but I'd definitely be heading toward changing jobs (getting retraining or certification as needed) or moving.  Your situation is not one I could live with, so I can fully grasp your not wanting to live with it either.

 

I'd be checking with employment agencies, headhunters (if applicable), my local community college, my pastor, and friends looking for leads/options.  I'd write down anything semi-appealing, and I'd set a date by which I'd have picked something and make the plunge.  I'd keep a picture of my goal over a wall calendar or something and I'd up the number of hugs I gave/wanted each day.

 

If considering moving, check out unemployment rates across the country, then investigate cost of living in that area too.  Moving is expensive, so if that's not possible right now, but something you'd like for the future, start putting every extra dollar available in a hidden envelope to start saving for it.  If you were to start watching kids for pay (or anything extra you can do), put that $$ aside too.

 

Best wishes to you.  I think you've started a good track by asking for advice.

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By the way, does anyone have an opinion on paying a service/ person to write your resume for you? One of DH's former coworkers who escaped said he had a resume writing service do his and thinks it's worth doing. 

 

Could you get a copy of that man's resume and tweak it a bit to fit your DH's experiences?

 

I am a huge believer in not reinventing the wheel if one has been invented.

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DawnM has apparently used a resume writing service. Ask her. She has a thread going on resumes and interviews.

 

I lucked out.  I have a friend who actually does a lot of this for a living and she did them for cheap ($20 for resume and $20 for cover letter each). I have paid her about $80 so far because I needed a few cover letters.

 

There ARE people on this board who do it as well and I have had one look over my DH's before, I need to go back and find out who it was  It was before the board change and I lost a lot of PMs when that happened.  And I had two other offers from this board.  

 

You might want to start a thread asking who does resumes and cover letters and see who could help and for how much.

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How old is he?

 

At that income point, unless he only has a few good working years left and I think you guys are younger than that, I wonder if it wouldn't be wiser for him to drop to a PT job, go on whatever assistance you can get (housing, food, energy etc) and have one or both of you go to college for something that will get you out of borderline poverty long term. There are many public colleges and universities with online options these days if there aren't campuses nearby. The student grants and loans would supplement your living expenses. If he's not academically inclined, look into a better paying, in demand trade that he could get into with just 1-2 years of education. It would be tight, and hard work but there would be a light at the end of the tunnel provided he chooses his area of study wisely.

 

This was what I was going to suggest as well.  A training in something that pays more would help in the long run.

 

However, aren't there more restrictions on government assistance now?  Don't you have to prove you have applied for jobs?  Not sure if quitting a job would qualify as needing assistance.

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You need immediate care for YOURSELF.  Can you contact your pastor's wife (it sounds like you are Christian?) and explain that you need relief care for your kids for half day every other week?  Or something similar?  Or tell her you need a few nice women to spend time with from time to time?  

 

I live very, very, very far from my family.  My DH's family, while wonderful, are not capable, health-wise, to provide me with any relief care for the kids.  If I were not blessed with a circle of local friends, my life would be miserable... it WAS miserable until I got that circle in place.  It involved lots of awkward one-time-only play dates, it involved putting myself out there and making the first move towards friendship (very difficult for me!), but it has really paid off in terms of my mental health, my peace at knowing that in an emergency, someone could come assist me, etc.  

 

If you need to put the kids in school for a bit so that you can feel more together, then do it.  A healthy mom is more important than homeschooling.  And, of course, these types of decisions are always temporary and alway reversible!  You could pull them back out again.  

 

Yes, I think paying to have a cover letter and resume is a good use of money.  Absolutely.  So is going into debt for your DH so that he can learn viable, market-needed trade skills.  

 

Best of luck to you.  :-)  

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I think the suggestions about retraining have been great - personally I would be looking at a trade or two-year qualification.  Two things I might keep in mind:

 

Think about the physical aspect involved in the work if it will likely involve working past 65.  There might be options then - teaching or managing - but it might well be difficult to carry on with the more physical aspects of the job.

 

It might be nice to get a trade that you can also practice on the side when you need some extra cash.

 

Another possibility might be either of you looking for an entry position in a company that has really good options for employees - something like Costco.  Even if it meant both of you having to work some for a while, it might open up many opportunities.  And I suspect just a better work environment in itself would make your dh's life much happier. 

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I don't have any different suggestions for you husband, but when my DS was little, I had a DH with a similar crazy schedule. I was pretty much parenting alone from birth through the pre school years.

To make you feel better and have more support, you need to get out and meet people, but that his very had to do when you have little ones at home and zero chance of child care.

What about looking for a Mother's Day out type program at your church or another church. Sometimes you can work their in exchange for the kids attending free. Then you would be able to get out of the house sometimes, and you would start to meet other people who might be able to become your support system. Of the friends I have in real life, most of them where do-workers first.

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Ok, first issue is he needs a different job. My husband is really good at resume's, and I'm sure I could get him to take a look at your husband's and work on it for you, if you want. No charge. Just PM me if you want to do that. The caveat is he's likely not in the same field, so that may make it harder to know what they are looking for, but he can make it look professional. He's done it for several friends. 

 

Second, when applying for jobs, it is ALL about who you know. He needs to reach out to friends, and so do you. Like, message everyone you know on Facebook, etc. Put it out into the universe. Almost no one gets hired straight off the street these days. You have to know someone who knows someone. Now, in my husband's case that meant going to a recruiter/headhunter place, so if there is something similar for what he does that is the way to do it. They get paid (by the companies, not you) when they get people in jobs, so they work hard to make it happen. But if that isn't an option he needs to reach out to everyone he ever knew, and some he didn't. 

 

Of course, working that much he hasn't had much time to socialize, but if he can he needs to make time to socialize, particularly with people in his line of work. I know that sucks...when he's been gone at work all the time and now he gets to go out and socialize, but those relationships are how you find jobs. I hate it, my husband goes to social events at least twice a month, often at a bar or restaurant, and I am home with the kids but he's made important contacts that have really helped him. 

 

Finally, hugs. I've been in similar situations. Also, even a 2 year degree, or technical certificate, might help. Some can be done online, and you would qualify for loans or grants. Again, if he's working that much he may not feel he has time for school, but if he can manage it would mean a lot in income potential. 

 

But first, I'd reach out to EVERYONE and explain that he's looking for a new job with more stable hours, and explain what he knows how to do. 

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Think about the physical aspect involved in the work if it will likely involve working past 65.  There might be options then - teaching or managing - but it might well be difficult to carry on with the more physical aspects of the job.

 

 

 

I think this is an important one.  As someone who is considering going back to school in her 40s, I want to make sure it's going to be something I will be able to continue long term.

 

Dh did claw his way up from an hourly physical labor position to more of an executive position in his industry, but it took a LOT of sacrifice, dedication, and networking... that was probably still based on his possession of a degree (completely unrelated to his field.)  I know it's hard.  :grouphug:

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Ok, first issue is he needs a different job. My husband is really good at resume's, and I'm sure I could get him to take a look at your husband's and work on it for you, if you want. No charge. Just PM me if you want to do that. The caveat is he's likely not in the same field, so that may make it harder to know what they are looking for, but he can make it look professional. He's done it for several friends.

 

Second, when applying for jobs, it is ALL about who you know. He needs to reach out to friends, and so do you. Like, message everyone you know on Facebook, etc. Put it out into the universe. Almost no one gets hired straight off the street these days. You have to know someone who knows someone. Now, in my husband's case that meant going to a recruiter/headhunter place, so if there is something similar for what he does that is the way to do it. They get paid (by the companies, not you) when they get people in jobs, so they work hard to make it happen. But if that isn't an option he needs to reach out to everyone he ever knew, and some he didn't.

 

Of course, working that much he hasn't had much time to socialize, but if he can he needs to make time to socialize, particularly with people in his line of work. I know that sucks...when he's been gone at work all the time and now he gets to go out and socialize, but those relationships are how you find jobs. I hate it, my husband goes to social events at least twice a month, often at a bar or restaurant, and I am home with the kids but he's made important contacts that have really helped him.

 

Finally, hugs. I've been in similar situations. Also, even a 2 year degree, or technical certificate, might help. Some can be done online, and you would qualify for loans or grants. Again, if he's working that much he may not feel he has time for school, but if he can manage it would mean a lot in income potential.

 

But first, I'd reach out to EVERYONE and explain that he's looking for a new job with more stable hours, and explain what he knows how to do.

My husband was in the same situation as the OP's. He networked with customers and co-workers and worked with them projects outside of his job. It took seven years including many nights working on the outside projects, but these people helped him find his dream job. They saw his talents and got to know him and were willing to help him .

 

Networking is so important!

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I think you have gotten some fabulous advice!!

 

So, I'm not going to repeat it or add to it, just tell you that I am adding you to my prayer list, and praying for things to improve for your family.

 

Sending hugs.....

 

Anne

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