Parents excusing developmental delays--mostly a vent

[PrairieSong]

nm

Edited March 7, 2016 by PrairieSong

[Tsuga]

Sounds like her kids are just on the late end of normal. I do not agree that these are necessarily delays.

 

The PBS Development tracker still has them mostly within the range of normal:

 

http://www.pbs.org/parents/child-development/baby-and-toddler/baby-toddler-milestones/

 

My second daughter, who is in the 98th percentile for math (just got the test), 92nd for reading / language (and that's for the second language learned, of three languages, with primary education never having been conducted in English), didn't put two words together until 2.5, and my older one didn't really talk until two.

 

My first walked at 13.5 months, cruising. So she was a bit ahead of the kids you are talking about.

 

I understand your concerns, but really: some kids actually do develop differently.

 

That said, I did have the second one tested for hearing because she was very late in forming words. Turned out she has low muscle tone and still has a lisp, however she has excellent fine motor skills in her hands, and she is uncanny at riding bikes (rode at a young three), etc. 

 

I think every child should have a free full-battery hearing test at 12 and 18 months if they are behind in forming sounds, because it's so crucial. I would only focus on that--"Well that's true but here they suggest just a test for any kid who isn't talking by x months, just to rule out hearing loss".

 

They don't feel that their children are detached. They might not know. But they might also know the kids better than you do.

[Mergath]

Is it possible they already have a diagnosis and just aren't ready to share it?

[PrairieSong]

Is it possible they already have a diagnosis and just aren't ready to share it?

It's possible but she is very open with me, so I doubt it. She asks my advice about parenting things sometimes, as our kids are much older than theirs.

[PrairieSong]

Sounds like her kids are just on the late end of normal. I do not agree that these are necessarily delays.

 

The PBS Development tracker still has them mostly within the range of normal:

 

http://www.pbs.org/parents/child-development/baby-and-toddler/baby-toddler-milestones/

 

My second daughter, who is in the 98th percentile for math (just got the test), 92nd for reading / language (and that's for the second language learned, of three languages, with primary education never having been conducted in English), didn't put two words together until 2.5, and my older one didn't really talk until two.

 

My first walked at 13.5 months, cruising. So she was a bit ahead of the kids you are talking about.

 

I understand your concerns, but really: some kids actually do develop differently.

 

That said, I did have the second one tested for hearing because she was very late in forming words. Turned out she has low muscle tone and still has a lisp, however she has excellent fine motor skills in her hands, and she is uncanny at riding bikes (rode at a young three), etc.

 

I think every child should have a free full-battery hearing test at 12 and 18 months if they are behind in forming sounds, because it's so crucial. I would only focus on that--"Well that's true but here they suggest just a test for any kid who isn't talking by x months, just to rule out hearing loss".

 

They don't feel that their children are detached. They might not know. But they might also know the kids better than you do.

I couldn't see the milestone timeline you linked to. I saw the page but no timeline.

 

It is true that kids develop at different ages. This little girl wasn't walking at 20 months. She could walk if someone held both her hands, so I'd guess it was at least 2-3 months or more after that when she started walking. And now at almost 2.5 Mom says she doesn't talk. If the doctor is seeing signs that he thinks might be autism, I'd want to know. Maybe it is just her hearing. Maybe something else is going on that no one has thought of. I'd just want to know, one way or the other.

[Tsuga]

It sounds like they are consulting a pediatrician in dad's home country, though.

 

My kids have a whole bunch of cousins who didn't walk until around 2. In their home country, it's considered bad for baby's back to walk or sit too early. They have plenty of Olympic athletes per capita in their national sports. It doesn't seem to hurt that babies are often coddled and carried.

 

I hear what you are saying, but really, what might seem ridiculously late to you might seem normal in their families because it is normal for them.

 

The PBS development tracker is here, if you couldn't see the timeline then maybe you can navigate from this page:

 

http://www.pbs.org/parents/child-development/baby-and-toddler/baby-toddler-milestones/

Edited February 29, 2016 by Tsuga

[Jean in Newcastle]

The pediatrician is handling it.  It sounds like autism has been ruled out?  So it has been considered and evaluated for even if it was a screening.  Genetic predisposition for later development is a legitimate thing as well.  I'm sure that the doctor will continue to push for screenings and further evaluations as they seem warranted. 

[AndyJoy]

Changed to PM.

[PrairieSong]

nm

Edited March 7, 2016 by PrairieSong

[Tsuga]

I understand the concern because there are some things they can address quickly.

 

I would be very concerned if they did not have a pediatrician but as long as they are consulting one, I would not worry. Pediatricians see hundreds of children. If neither the parents nor the pediatrician see cause for concern, then I'd let it go.

 

I would have different advice if I believed the parents were not consulting a pediatrician. I think all children deserve a second or third eye like the doctor's, but that isn't lacking in this case.

[PrairieSong]

The pediatrician is handling it. It sounds like autism has been ruled out? So it has been considered and evaluated for even if it was a screening. Genetic predisposition for later development is a legitimate thing as well. I'm sure that the doctor will continue to push for screenings and further evaluations as they seem warranted.

I gathered from what she said, that they had answered a series of questions from the doctor, but that the doctor was still recommending further evaluation which they don't want to do.

[Tsuga]

I re-read your OP.

 

It would also bother me that they are not listening to the doctor.

 

I still don't think it sounds like they are that far off from normal, though, especially if they're meeting milestones like the DH and his sister, and his mom and dad affirm this. That was the case for my ex-h. His mom promised me that everything I saw would turn into such-and-such a character, and she had 11 kids, and she was right. On the other hand, I always listened to the doctor regarding questions of follow up (as did my ex-MIL).

 

I hope that you can find a way to be comforting and listen and at the same time encourage them to listen to the doctor's advice. The tests (we had them done, as I said, for DD2, for hearing) are very non-intrusive and playful and designed to be basically like a playdate for children with a new adult. They work hard to make sure that kids are comfortable.

[PrairieSong]

I understand the concern because there are some things they can address quickly.

 

I would be very concerned if they did not have a pediatrician but as long as they are consulting one, I would not worry. Pediatricians see hundreds of children. If neither the parents nor the pediatrician see cause for concern, then I'd let it go.

 

I would have different advice if I believed the parents were not consulting a pediatrician. I think all children deserve a second or third eye like the doctor's, but that isn't lacking in this case.

The doctor is not a pediatrician. He is a GP. I'm not sure how crucial that is in this situation.

[Rosie_0801]

Perhaps they feel intervention wouldn't do any good anyway. I know that feeling and prefer to wait until kids are going to be receptive to intervention.

 

Of course I can't know if these parents are bidding their time or in complete denial.

[PrairieSong]

I re-read your OP.

 

It would also bother me that they are not listening to the doctor.

 

I still don't think it sounds like they are that far off from normal, though, especially if they're meeting milestones like the DH and his sister, and his mom and dad affirm this. That was the case for my ex-h. His mom promised me that everything I saw would turn into such-and-such a character, and she had 11 kids, and she was right. On the other hand, I always listened to the doctor regarding questions of follow up (as did my ex-MIL).

 

I hope that you can find a way to be comforting and listen and at the same time encourage them to listen to the doctor's advice. The tests (we had them done, as I said, for DD2, for hearing) are very non-intrusive and playful and designed to be basically like a playdate for children with a new adult. They work hard to make sure that kids are comfortable.

That's what I would like to do, to be a kind friend who is encouraging. It's hard to do that at a distance.

 

The mom said that her dh and his sister were late talkers but I'm not sure if they were also late walkers, not walking until around age two. She didn't mention that.

[AndyJoy]

I was in a similar position to the OP recently, and I am glad (as are they!) that I went with my gut and gave the parents more info and specific examples of what I saw as red flags. Granted, I saw this child frequently, but I missed the signs for months myself until it suddenly hit me one day!

 

This toddler screening tool for ages 16-30 months may be what the doctor used. Maybe the parents would each do it separately, and maybe have a close friend, babysitter, grandparent do it too: https://www.m-chat.org/

 

In my friend's case, the pediatrician blew her off initially in a cover-her-own-butt kind of way, saying things like, "It's impossible--I would have caught it at 18 months." Well, no one did until months later.

 

Early Intervention will do an assessment for free and fairly quickly to see if her delays warrant services for speech therapy, OT, PT even before any full evaluation. This can be a good opportunity to get some peace of mind or more outside feedback to pursue testing. The waitlist in our area is 6+ months for a full neuropsychology assessment!

Edited February 29, 2016 by AndyJoy

[Rosie_0801]

Dull eyes would concern me. There's a difference between dull eyes and a kid who isn't interested in you.

[PrairieSong]

Perhaps they feel intervention wouldn't do any good anyway. I know that feeling and prefer to wait until kids are going to be receptive to intervention.

 

Of course I can't know if these parents are bidding their time or in complete denial.

I don't know all that is in their minds. I have no doubt that they love their children. Maybe it is scary to think that something might be wrong, and easier to tell themselves all is well.

 

As for intervention, I thought earlier was better than later, generally speaking.

[heartlikealion]

I'm going to admit that I don't know what type of intervention is recommended for a child with autism at this age. I didn't know if any was. I'm really ignorant on the topic. So, maybe the parents are, too. They think, "ok so we do an evaluation. Is it even accurate at this age? And then what? Does it change anything?" Because I could understand that thought process. Also, spending money on evaluations is not cheap. There was something wrong with one of my relatives and I couldn't put my finger on it. We all wondered about him. He wasn't speaking when we thought he should have. Years later it was revealed that he is autistic. But I heard through another family member, not his mother, whom I actually am on good terms with.

 

I've put off evaluating my ds for a couple of things because of money and not seeing eye to eye with dh and the nurse practitioner. Could it be the parents don't see eye to eye or this is their compromise... do nothing until the child is X years old or whatever? What you see as dull eyes.. maybe they have only known that in their child and to them everything looks normal?

[saw]

I saw something similar with a friend whose son (now 14) was having trouble with reading and language in school since the moment he started. Mom knew there was a problem but just couldn't be bothered. She believed the (non-specialist) teacher when the teacher said it was not dyslexia. Mom kept saying for years that well yes he is behind but poor kid should not have to do reading or anything extra at home because he just wants to play. Finally got him properly tested at 10 and it turns out he does have language-related LDs (not dyslexic although he is borderline). It drove me nuts because my son, same age, has language-related LDs and I had him tested and in therapy from the time he was 13 months. The Mom obviously felt sorry for my son because the school he was in had real homework and high expectations and she thinks kids should just play and not do any work. Anyway, other boy was able to get into only a low-tier school (education in this country is tracked at secondary) even with accommodations on all the tests. Still isn't doing therapy because he likes to play soccer and that takes up his time so no time for therapy. Mom now concerned because son may have to go to lower track school that is completely non-academic, but she still won't have him in therapy or doing extra work at home. She just feels sorry for him because of his LDs and thinks that the school should accommodate him. Drives me nuts! So yes OP I understand where you're coming from -- could very well be that the kids in question are late bloomers but if these were my kids I'd want to get a good evaluation and some good advice.

[Ottakee]

Heartlikealion....evals almost everywhere for the 0-3 crowd are free through Early Intervention. Cost should not be a concern at this stage.

 

For thinga like hearing and vision and many developmental delays treating it earlier rather than later is better. With autism for sure.

[abba12]

I dunno.... one of mine couldn't put two words into a sentence until almost three, and her primary form of language was 'eh, eh, EEEEHHHHH' with lots of pointing at 2.5. If anything she's a little above average. And DH's family didn't walk until 15-18 months. They sound a little on the later end, but, at a 'talk to the doctor' level, not 'go get evaluations done now' level. The doctor discussed it with them and they actually answered the initial autism screening questions so they're not avoiding, they've also spoken to a second doctor who sounds like some sort of family friend. They're not ignorant, they know the kids are behind the curve somewhat. 

 

I'm not of the opinion that every single difference from 'average' should be diagnosed into something. They sound a little behind the curve, there could be lots of reasons for that, keep seeing the doctor, keep making sure the child is making general progress in some sort of correlation to the milestones, but I wouldn't be panicking with what you've said. 

 

What's more important to me is, is the child curious? Does the child engage with it's environment? Does it make eye contact? Does it show interest in things happening around it? Does it try to work out how things work or try to open things? Does it respond in a normal way emotionally to people interacting with it? Those are signs of what's happening inside it's head, and a whole lot more important than whether it's walking or putting it's thoughts into our language IMHO. I'm far more concerned about the baby who is walking on time and babbling on time, but sits in it's stroller or on the floor staring into space for prolonged periods, or doesn't engage with people as often/energeticly, than I am about a curious and engaging non-talker. 

Edited February 29, 2016 by abba12

[SKL]

I had concerns about my eldest off and on, but I was reluctant to get her tested because she responded very negatively to probing by outsiders.  As in, she would apparently revert several months in development.  (Stopped walking and talking a couple times.)  There was also inconsistency in how she related, but she was pretty consistent about not ever talking to anyone other than me, until she was at least 2.5 or 3.

 

My kid had vision problems, which explained some things others took as slowness.  When she got her glasses at almost 3, I realized that she did indeed know her colors (and lots of other things), she just couldn't see anything of any color beyond a certain distance.  She did have other issues too, as I had suspected, but again, it was hard to know whether interfering with her development would help or hinder.

[flyingaway]

I have seen similar issues twice now in different families, and it makes me sad. I've never been clear on where the harm is in further evaluation. Pretty sure I offended once by saying that to one of the moms, but I loved her girl and didn't understand why mom/dad weren't seeking ways to help her with her struggles.

 

Maybe it's a personality difference? I would have freaked if a medical professional had been "pushy about autism" with me and would have done whatever I could to sort out if there was a problem.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't know all that is in their minds. I have no doubt that they love their children. Maybe it is scary to think that something might be wrong, and easier to tell themselves all is well.

 

As for intervention, I thought earlier was better than later, generally speaking.

 

In *my experience* which is a whopping sample size of two, intervention is worthless until the child becomes receptive and therapists are no help unless they provide something the parents can't or won't. If a child is operating at their personal best, further intervention can't help. 

[ThisIsTheDay]

I worked with someone whose child had somewhat similar issues.  The child was obviously delayed, sitting floppily in your lap at 12 months, not behaving as a typical one year old. A few coworkers attempted to discreetly ask the mom how she was, what the doctor was saying, encouraging her to ask questions at each next checkup. Mom continued to deny there was anything to worry about.

 

The grandma was taking care of the baby while mom worked.  The grandma had serious health issues and was in no condition to care for a baby.  The baby spent much time languishing in her car seat, all day long, several days a week.  They wouldn't even put the kid on a blanket to stretch out, minimal tummy time, etc.

 

We later found out that grandma was the one taking the child to dr. appts. Grandma continued to deny any developmental issues and was not passing on pede concerns to mom.  While I never learned the specifics, it wasn't until the pediatrician threatened to call social services that the child began receiving pt around the age of 1.5.  Mom and grandma both continued to deny there were issues.  Earlier intervention would have made a difference, but at least the child was able to get help, and pt continued after I left that job.

 

If your friend deals with things by preferring to live in denial, she might well be doing it in this case too.  Or she may have no other experience with young children for comparison.  Or her kids just might be at the long end of developing within average.

[chiguirre]

PS, I've got a couple of points that may set your mind at ease a bit. The walking thing is not indicative of asd at all. Both of my sons (and most of their spectrum peers) walked on time. Also, the screen the doctor did that gave a low chance of autism is pretty accurate. If their kids point at things of interest to show their parents, it's very unlikely they are on the spectrum even if their speech is delayed. They may very well have issues but asd is probably not the problem. You could suggest that they do the child find evaluation, but it's very possible they won't qualify for services if they are slow but not enough standard deviations off the norm.

 

 

:grouphug:

 

[hmvaughan4]

What's more important to me is, is the child curious? Does the child engage with it's environment? Does it make eye contact? Does it show interest in things happening around it? Does it try to work out how things work or try to open things? Does it respond in a normal way emotionally to people interacting with it? Those are signs of what's happening inside it's head, and a whole lot more important than whether it's walking or putting it's thoughts into our language IMHO. I'm far more concerned about the baby who is walking on time and babbling on time, but sits in it's stroller or on the floor staring into space for prolonged periods, or doesn't engage with people as often/energeticly, than I am about a curious and engaging non-talker.

As a former special needs preschool teacher and developmental therapist, I agree with this. My oldest three were speech delayed, but their receptive language was wonderful, as was social behavior. We did not pursue intervention until at least three.

[G5052]

I re-read your OP.

 

It would also bother me that they are not listening to the doctor.

 

I still don't think it sounds like they are that far off from normal, though, especially if they're meeting milestones like the DH and his sister, and his mom and dad affirm this. That was the case for my ex-h. His mom promised me that everything I saw would turn into such-and-such a character, and she had 11 kids, and she was right. On the other hand, I always listened to the doctor regarding questions of follow up (as did my ex-MIL).

 

I hope that you can find a way to be comforting and listen and at the same time encourage them to listen to the doctor's advice. The tests (we had them done, as I said, for DD2, for hearing) are very non-intrusive and playful and designed to be basically like a playdate for children with a new adult. They work hard to make sure that kids are comfortable.

 

Mine are older now, but I ran into this multiple times when mine were little. I would be encouraging but appropriately pointed in having an evaluation by a professional. Sometimes indeed people are afraid of a diagnosis, but early intervention can make a difference. You can be a friend while encouraging them to pursue this. It may take awhile, but I wouldn't give up.

 

I had a little girl in Awana years ago who was sweet as she could be, but at 3, I knew that she needed intervention because she was significantly different than the other kids. Not a "needs more time" kid, but significantly different. The parents asked me multiple times what I thought, and I even discussed the darling girl with our pediatrician when I was there with mine. But they were afraid of the diagnosis and kept putting it off. Finally near the end of the year, they actually took her to our pediatrician, who is the go-to guy in our area as the entry point for that sort of thing. Thankfully they were on the road to working with her issues when they told me, but I've often thought of her and wondered what she's doing now. That was probably 12 years ago. 

Edited February 29, 2016 by G5052

[MomtoCandJ]

Dd1 didn't speak clearly until she was 3, though dd2 speaks clearly now (and has since around 18 months) and dd2 didn't have any teeth when she started talking. Both girls walked though before thier first birthdays. Dd1 was following dh's track (he didn't talk until he was 3) and dd2 is following mine though she doesn't have a speech impairment like I did (dd1 got that).

I would be upset too and am currently trying to get my mom and brother to take his kids to a psychologist or neurologist that's not in the Upper Penninsula of Michigan (the expierience with different problems just isn't there). All 3 of my nieces and nephew have learning differences and other things going on and are not getting all the help they need (limited resources and not really having a diagnosis for the girls who have the most issues).

[Bluegoat]

I wouldn't be very worried about this.  The fact that the Sweadish doctor isn't worried yet is, I think suggestive - it's true that European and even British doctors tend to be much more laid back about child development than American doctors.  That hyper-vigalence tends to make people see things as problems rather than just normal variations.

 

I don't find a 2.5 year old that doesn't talk much that odd, especially when non-parent adults are around, and late development does seem to run in families.

[JFSinIL]

Dull eyes would concern me. There's a difference between dull eyes and a kid who isn't interested in you.

 

Does the child do pretend play?  Like, will she use toy tea set (etc) to pour and drink a pretend beverage, or pretend to babble on a toy phone, etc.?  Will she wave bye bye?   I was told the lack of these can be a bad sign.   

 

1. Does the child babble or coo by 12 months?
2. Does the child gesture by 12 months (pointing, waving, and grasping)?
3. Does the child say single words by 16 months?
4. Does the child say two-word phrases independently by 24 months?
5. Has the child lost any social or language skills?

The CHAT Screening Tool in part focuses on the following. At 18 months does your child:

1. Look at you and point when he/she wants to show you something?
2. Look when you point to something?
3. Use imagination to pretend play?

The child could have an auditory processing disorder. Note, the simple hearing test usually done will not pick up on this.  Ears may be fine - it is the brain's processing of what the child hears perfectly well that is delayed.   So the child may still be processing the first sound of any one word while the ear is sending in sounds from the next word - if that makes sense.  If a child repeats the last word or words she is hearing (you say "Susie, hand me the red ball" and Susie says "ball" that is echolalia, and a strong sign auditory processing is delayed (which can make a child look autistic when they really aren't). 

 

I agree, if the pediatrician is concerned, an assessment is in order to see IF any intervention is warranted. But I would also encourage an assessment for auditory processing disorder by an audiologist trained to look for it.

Edited February 29, 2016 by JFSinIL

[umsami]

What concerns me is that the doctor and nurses appear concerned, as well as the dull eyes.

 

My first thought would be hearing and/or vision issues, which definitely benefit from early intervention.  It may be easier on the Mom to hear that you worry about that vs. the child being on the spectrum or something else.

 

As for late walking, I was a late walker.  I didn't walk until around 18 months, but man did I crawl. :)   I was premature as well which may play a part. 

[SKL]

Physical lateness is no biggie except to the extent it might indicate non-physical issues.  Some people hold their babies more, so they walk later, but that is not a problem.  If they are walking later because of being strapped in a seat all day, that's another thing.  Or if they have been encouraged to move and are still physically delayed.

 

Also, while I generally believe in gut reactions, a lot of kids act very different when away from home.  My kids, for instance, generally did and said nothing when other people were looking at them.  My sister, too, would plop down on her butt if anyone saw her walking, and go mute if anyone came around.  This is why I am more likely to give the parents the benefit of the doubt, because they are around their kid when "nobody is looking."  If they love and nurture their kid, they are probably doing what the child needs for the most part.

 

Also, I have a nephew on the autism spectrum whose parents never had him "tested."  I don't know what could have been done for him anyway.  He is very successful on paper so far.  Eagle scout, full university scholarship, plays the bells in church.  I have always known he has "issues" (he has a lot of trouble holding a conversation), but I'm not sure he would have gotten any appropriate help even with a diagnosis.  The negatives of having a diagnosis (such as, how that might have impacted his eligibility for gifted / accelerated programs etc.) might have outweighed any help it would get him.  As a parent, it's hard to know which course is going to be better.

 

I have a friend whose kid has a lot of issues.  I was the first to flag them when I was babysitting the infant.  I asked the mom a few questions including, "what does your doctor say about this?"  The doctor hadn't said anything, so I said, you might want to ask him about it.  Then I stayed out of it.  Some months after that they did get a diagnosis and start therapy.  Despite all the therapy, the child is still very weak on one side and has other problems.  Interventions can't fix everything.

[happypamama]

The doctor is not a pediatrician. He is a GP. I'm not sure how crucial that is in this situation.

We haven't had an actual pediatrician in years. My youngest three children have only ever seen the family doctor that we all use now. She is on top of things. When my one child had a heart murmur, she kept an eye on it and made the appropriate referrals for testing. Just being a GP doesn't necessarily mean anything. In fact, I find it reassuring in some ways because our doc also knows when she doesn't know and will refer out happily, plus since she sees me as well as our older children, she also has a sense of what is normal for growth and development for our particular family.

 

It would be frustrating if the doc was suggesting something and the parents weren't listening, but maybe they have their own reasons.

[Zinnia]

My kids walked at 10, 15, 17, and 19 months old.  Big range, even within the same family.  The not walking doesn't bother me that much.  I just think that there can be so much variation of normal.

[Spryte]

I know very little about interventions, so can't address that. At all.

 

You mentioned wanting to be a supportive friend, though, and just listen. I have an idea. :)

 

My DD was a late talker. Very late. I worried and worried, but her pediatrician didn't worry. Why? She could sign.

 

Maybe you could send your friend some baby signing time DVDs? Just a little care package, with a note that you've heard they are fun.

[jelbe5]

I second the CHAT. I KNEW my son was probably on the autism spectrum when he was 2 - 2.5. I had been ASKING our Doctor and friends for their opinion because I was concerned as my son seemed so different. He did not point, did not make eye contact, did not engage in pretend play. This was back in 1999-2000. Everyone I talked to felt he would grow out of it, boys are different, blah blah blah.

 

However, if a parent is not ready to face the reality I would tread carefully. The denial defense is very strong and you may risk losing the friendship if you push too hard. If your friend asks direct questions, give direct answers. If it comes up you could show your friend the CHAT. I would try to be a supportive friend and gently voice concern where appropriate, but try not to hit your friend over the head with a 2 x 4 if at all possible.

 

Early intervention can make a huge difference in the lives of some children.

[SKL]

Maybe the friend doesn't get a good feeling about the doctor, and should try a different doctor.

 

I have not always listened to doctors.  They are just one adviser in my child's world, and they generally spend only minutes per year with my kids, ask standard questions vs. personalizing to my kids' situation, and come in with their own biases.  Like the developmental pediatrician who decided my kid had ADHD before even seeing her, based on the fact that she was adopted and young for her grade.

 

There does seem to be a trend toward over-diagnosing ASD, so I don't blame parents for being skeptical when a doctor brings that up.

[Arcadia]

Dull eyes could be health issues like my DS10 when he was under 3.

Detached could be anything. E.g DS11 thinks all adults are busybodies when he was under 3 and he alternate between amused and detached.

 

Pushy doctors, we had to change our first pediatrician because she was really pushy and we are foreigners and she use American standards without caring about our family history. We change to another pediatrician in the same practice who grew up in Asia.

 

My family are all early talkers except for my brother's child who talk gradually at 18months and is a chatterbox now.

 

I couid barely stand at two. Walk steadily only at close to three. Wasn't floppy or low muscle tone. Just late.

 

ETA:

I would be annoyed if it seems the doctor wants to slap a label on my child. I would want a comprehensive health exam offered by my doctor covering bloodwork, hearing, vision, SPD..., not just an autism screening.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Arcadia

[Guest]

I don't really know what you can do here even if you are correct.

I had a late late late with all that stuff kid at that age, and it doubly stood out because his big brother had been so early. It was very annoying when people harped on it with their suggestions. And by harp, I mean said something more than once. Once I get. I was not unaware of his lateness and I'm his ma...I wanted to talk about it! But it ceased being a friendly, receptive ear when someone was like "yeah but I really think he's on the spectrum."


But I don't mean to pooh your concerns. They sound legitimate and clearly your heart is in the right place. I just don't think there's anything you can actually say that's going to make a difference. They are talking to multiple drs about it. They may well take action at some point, on their family's own timeline. And even if it might have been better to eval sooner than later, oftentimes things....things that would be unseen to you...NEED to click into place for it to really be the right time for that individual family, ykwim?

Edited March 1, 2016 by OKBud

[bettyandbob]

I've been through a range of developmental issues with my DC. I've also been a sp Ed teacher.

 

As close and open as you think you are the mom may be denying so she doesn't have to talk about it. I've known people who did therapies and interventions and didn't discuss those things with close friends. As a parent this stuff is really hard. Having to talk about it with anyone can make you just fall apart and you don't want to just fall apart on a play date. Some people need the control to let go of the pain privately. Having to discuss all that the family is doing and exploring will poke a hole in a public shield that this mom is not ready to have.

 

So, you can mention stuff, suggest stuff, and you may be told doctor says no big deal and we aren't worried, but all that may be a cover. She may be doing what you are saying and not talking.

[NorthwestMom]

Something being wrong with one's children is a terrible, primal fear; it's easy for me to understand why a parent might be clinging to the reassurance she is getting elsewhere. You have spoken your peace and it's time to let it go.  :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Lecka]

I would be concerned, too.

 

I am not sure you can do anything about it, though.  If the parents are not seeing it, then you can't make them see it. 

 

They can still be good parents and take good care of their kids, even if I personally don't agree with how they are handling this situation.

 

Hopefully they will get help soon. 

 

 

Edited February 29, 2016 by Lecka

[PrairieSong]

I don't really know what you can do here even if you are correct.

 

I had a late late late with all that stuff kid at that age, and it doubly stood out because his big brother had been so early. It was very annoying when people harped on it with their suggestions. And by harp, I mean said something more than once. Once I get. I was not unaware of his lateness and I'm his ma...I wanted to talk about it! But it ceased being a friendly, receptive ear when someone was like "yeah but I really think he's on the spectrum."

 

And now years later, his "ahead" early brother has a diagnosis and he does not. Such is parenting lol

 

But I don't mean to pooh your concerns. They sound legitimate and clearly your heart is in the right place. I just don't think there's anything you can actually say that's going to make a difference. They are talking to multiple drs about it. They may well take action at some point, on their family's own timeline. And even if it might have been better to eval sooner than later, oftentimes things....things that would be unseen to you...NEED to click into place for it to really be the right time for that individual family, ykwim?

I know I can't do much. That is why I put "mostly a vent" in the read title. I did tell the mom that if it were me, I'd go ahead and do the evaluation the doctor is recommending, because either way I'd want to know. So...I said it and I don't need to harp on it. If she wants to being it up to me, she can.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Not everyone is testing happy.  I lean more towards this approach.  I don't think they are doing anything terrible and reckless.  You have to just let other people parent their own kids.  The exception is stuff like abuse and serious neglect.  It doesn't sound like that to me at all.

 

 

[luuknam]

Are these parents planning on homeschooling or on public schooling? Are they planning on outsourcing pre-K? Would having free pre-K make a big difference to them, financially?

 

If they get the kid evaluated through early intervention, and the kid qualifies, then the kid will semi-automatically end up in the IEP process when the kid turns 3, and services at that point would be provided through the public school, which might very well mean free pre-K the moment the kid turns 3yo. Our oldest had free full day pre-K at 3yo. We weren't paying for day care, so financially it didn't matter to us, but for people who do pay for daycare/private preschool, getting free public preschool can make a big difference (kids without an IEP had to wait until 4yo).

 

My kid liked all the evals. They're fun.

[HS Mom in NC]

OK, I'm going to be the bad guy here. 

OP, you're using a lot of capitals and exclamation points.  You seem overly emotionally involved in a family with 2 different doctors involved.  While our culture is hyper vigilant about these things and may not want to hear a different approach and point of view, it's not like the parents got a second opinion from a medium or astrologer.  They have been given 2 different opinions about how to proceed by two qualified individuals.  I'm guessing they're much more relaxed personality types who don't have an "anything that can be done will be done as soon as it can possibly be done" point of view and are more culturally inclined to go with Swedish doctor.  It's time to stand down. They've got it under control. Just because you would want immediate intervention and you haven't hear of differences in European development doesn't mean you need to tell them what to do.  Be careful not to convince yourself that there will be catastrophic results if someone else isn't doing it the way you would do it. 

I want to point out that they sought out a second opinion from a medical professional with more knowledge about their particular people group and you're getting opinions from strangers on the internet about a medical condition you have little specific knowledge of.  Again, it's time to stand down.

[SKL]

For some reason this thread reminds me of the time my friend asked of my slow-to-warm-up baby, "are you sure she isn't a mongoloid?"  Not a fond memory.  And no, my kid is not intellectually disabled.

[Mom2Five]

My two cents-

 

My oldest daughter, who is now 9 and perfectly healthy, is advanced in school and doing 7th-8th grade material in the 4th grade didn't move until she was 12 months old. lol. She moved of course but had no desire to crawl or walk. It wasn't until her little brother was born right before she was 12 months that she finally started crawling. She realized she didn't have my full attention anymore and if she wanted to get certain things she'd have to crawl to get them herself. She walked holding onto the wall etc for a long time. She was about 15-16 months before she was walking. She still has a very cautious personality. She also didn't talk until she was almost 3. She doesn't have ASD or any LD's.

I think early intervention is a good thing but sometimes kids just develop things later. My mother couldn't believe my son wasn't walking at 12 months (he started a week later) and is appalled that my 2 year old wasn't potty trained on her 2nd birthday.