Explain gender of shoes to kid or not?

[luuknam]

C outgrew his shoes, so we went to Payless. We bought two pair for him, one pink and sparkly, and the other Frozen with Anna and Elsa and silver sparkles. Payless has boy's and girl's shoes all in the same spot, whereas most other stores have their shoes separated in a boy's and girl's section.

 

My dilemma is this: C has high-functioning autism. When we go to a store that store that has boy's and girl's sections for clothes or shoes, he'll practically always pick clothes or shoes from the boy's section (I think the couple of exceptions have maybe been where the boundary between the sections was unclear and he picked something that was just barely on the girl's side). However, if we go to some place where they don't have separate shoe sections (can't think of a place like that for clothes - if you do, please mention it), he'll practically always pick the pink and/or sparkly stuff.

 

Should I explain to him that pink and/or sparkly tends to mean "for girls", and let him decide if he still wants to buy/wear those kinds of things, kind of like an informed consent situation, or should I just let him buy/wear w/e he wants? I just didn't expect to have to deal with an almost 8yo who still doesn't seem to 'get' that on his own. We've had conversations about that it doesn't matter if something is "for girls" or "for boys", but he still wants stuff from the boy's section and not from the girl's section, so I feel sort of bad about letting him unwittingly wear "girl's" shoes, but I also really just want him to wear what he likes.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My 10 year old loves pink, purple, sparkles, and has 4 earring holes. He's well aware of the consequences (society commenting!).

 

It really annoys him that the shoes that appeal to him are too narrow (girls) because he'd love most of them!

[thewaka]

If he would be upset if someone else tells him he is wearing "girl" shoes, I would not buy them for him without telling him. Otherwise, I would let him wear what he likes.

[*Lulu*]

I would explain it to him.

 

With both of our boys on the spectrum, non disclosure would stand a good chance of being interpreted as lying when they realized the shoes were meant for girls.

 

I might also try to choose shopping places where we could avoid the issue. I like to set us up for sucess unless we are specifically working on a skill.

[JFSinIL]

I'd explain it to him lest he get teased.  And agree with him that it is  not fair girls get sparkly stuff and not boys. 

 

[Kathryn]

Yes, I'd explain it, and have explained it to my high-functioning autistic son. I let him know that whatever he chooses is perfectly acceptable, but that choice X is generally considered for girls and some people might make fun of him. Sometimes, he decides it's worth it and chooses choice X. Sometimes, he picks something more "boy."

[OneStepAtATime]

That's a tough one.  Younger and I wouldn't be concerned.  But he is getting to an age where other kids and even other parents may treat him differently or even badly if he is too far outside the norm.  Letting him know ahead of time might be a good idea.  Does he get outside with other kids a lot?

 

We had a sort of similar issue with my son.  He potty trained by using a doll that he was "training" as I was training him.  He became very attached and wanted to practice being a good father.  He carried that doll a lot of places.  In 4k he took the doll to school for show and tell.  No one said anything and it was fine.  He was learning how to be a nurturing parent and I thought it was great.  

 

However, when he was maybe 6 or 7 DD had several friends over.  Some had younger brothers and sisters so the younger kids came to hang out with DS.  They found DS's doll.  He proudly showed them where the doll slept and the stroller, etc.  I don't know what the kids did, or what they said to him because I was putting snacks out but when I came back over the doll had been stripped naked and strung up.  The kids were all making fun of the doll.  DS was devastated and very upset.  He was also very confused as to why they would do such a thing.  It really negatively impacted him for a bit.  I felt I had failed him by not warning him that some people do not understand boys playing with dolls.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I wouldn't explain in a way that puts down the choices as girly (in a negative way), but that society tends to think very black and white (blue and pink?) regarding boys and clothes. It's starting to shift, but our area will be very slow.

[Murphy101]

Idk. Otoh, we call that being "confident in their masculinity" in our house. I currently have a 4 yr old boy in captain America tshirt, baby blue teddy bear shorts, and a pink tie dye hoodie on the front patio. :)

 

But yet, most kids naturally outgrow this as they develop more self awareness and social awareness. A child that struggles with picking up on social cues might need assistance in recognizing these things. I might tell him, "oh those are fabulous, but they are usually in the girl section." and redirect him bc whether one agrees with social expectations or not, they are a reality and I wouldn't want to make getting by socially more difficult than it likely already has to be for such children.

 

I wouldn't give any thought to the shoes a 4 year old is wearing bc I don't think it has anything to do with their gender.

[OneStepAtATime]

I wouldn't explain in a way that puts down the choices as girly (in a negative way), but that society tends to think very black and white (blue and pink?) regarding boys and clothes. It's starting to shift, but our area will be very slow.

:iagree:

[marbel]

If he would be upset if someone else tells him he is wearing "girl" shoes, I would not buy them for him without telling him. Otherwise, I would let him wear what he likes.

 

Yes, this.  Informed consent is good. 

[GinaPagnato]

I wouldn't ever let my son wear shoes or clothing that was definitely being marketed to girls. I think it's kind of mean, particularly if he doesn't "get it" himself, but would be hurt when other kids tease him (which they likely will).

 

I would probably steer him away from the section with a gentle, yet matter-of-fact, "No, honey, those are for girls. Let's go to the boys' section and see what cool things they have for you there."

[bolt.]

I've always been quite directive with my kids' clothing (both girls) and I have a problem supporting character merchandise or the over-girl-i-fication of my girls.

 

My kids don't get the choice of all the shoes in the store. They get the choice of the few shoes that fit my quality-and-fit criteria, and my idea that shoes should have an understated look, match most of their clothes, and be character-free whenever possible.

 

So, both of those shoes would be off the table for my girls, so I imagine I wouldn't buy them for a boy either.

 

Of course, I don't have a boy, nor am I a special needs parent. In my imagination, I wouldn't want to overwhelm a typical child such a wide feild of choice, so I imagine I wouldn't do it to a special needs child either... But, probably, special needs make that situation more complex than I imagine. In the end, wearing *any* shoes, daily, without drama -- might very well trump my general desire to avoid most characters and sparkles.

[Catwoman]

I would explain it to him, as well.

 

I can understand wanting to let kids wear what they like, but I also think it's generally pretty easy for boys to find things they like in the boys department, so I would probably have gently done as Gina suggested and said the sparkly shoes were for girls and that we should go find something cool in the boys section, and proceeded based on his reaction to that.

[SeaConquest]

I'm not sure if this is a regional thing, but I probably wouldn't say anything about it unless you really think that either a) he doesn't understand or b) will be really hurt by teasing. My 6 year old DS comes with me to get his nails/toes done (at his request), and often picks girly colors. A few kids have said things to him, but he doesn't care. We like to say, "Nobody owns pink."  

[EKS]

I think we owe it to our kids (whether or not they are on the autism spectrum) to explain the unwritten "rules" of society to them.  I would not only explain that the pink shoes are intended for girls, I would also explain that if he wears them he might get teased.

[Catwoman]

That's a tough one. Younger and I wouldn't be concerned. But he is getting to an age where other kids and even other parents may treat him differently or even badly if he is too far outside the norm. Letting him know ahead of time might be a good idea. Does he get outside with other kids a lot?

 

We had a sort of similar issue with my son. He potty trained by using a doll that he was "training" as I was training him. He became very attached and wanted to practice being a good father. He carried that doll a lot of places. In 4k he took the doll to school for show and tell. No one said anything and it was fine. He was learning how to be a nurturing parent and I thought it was great.

 

However, when he was maybe 6 or 7 DD had several friends over. Some had younger brothers and sisters so the younger kids came to hang out with DS. They found DS's doll. He proudly showed them where the doll slept and the stroller, etc. I don't know what the kids did, or what they said to him because I was putting snacks out but when I came back over the doll had been stripped naked and strung up. The kids were all making fun of the doll. DS was devastated and very upset. He was also very confused as to why they would do such a thing. It really negatively impacted him for a bit. I felt I had failed him by not warning him that some people do not understand boys playing with dolls.

:crying: :crying: :crying:

 

That is so sad. Your poor son must have been so upset -- and you probably felt even worse than he did! :(

 

But it wasn't your fault -- he was still a young kid and you didn't realize that the other boys would be so mean!

[Ellie]

I don't know how much of an explanation there needs to be, other than "No, these shoes are not appropriate."

[Butter]

My 8yo son wears "girl" glasses.  He liked the frames.  They are red, slightly sparkly, and have a silver lightning bolt down the sides.  The "boy" frames were all boring.  Mostly plain black, brown, or blue.  I don't blame him for preferring the ones he picked.

 

I'd only explain the "gender" of shoes to him if he would be upset if someone made fun of him.  Otherwise, I wouldn't.

[Word Nerd]

I would explain it. I'm not a fan of garish, bling-y clothing that looks like a unicorn threw up on it even for my girls, so in all likelihood I wouldn't buy them for a son either.

[LucyStoner]

We let our son who favored pink wear the pink things he wanted until his preferences changed. I wasn't going to do the bullies' job for them. We talked to him about it but we didn't make him get blue or whatever instead of pink. He marched to the beat of his own drum and anything that was said to him rolled right off. It worked out ok. My younger son doesn't favor pink like his big brother did but he did pick and wears hot pink Keens all the time. It was that, army green or dark brown and he wanted the colorful option so the colorful option he got.

 

I would be reluctant to buy sparkly pastel or neon bedazzled stuff for any child, boy or girl.

[Amy in NH]

I would tell him that most people see gender as a binary, with the only choices being male and female, but that there is really a broad spectrum of gender identity. 

 

I would then tell him that, while many people see the pink and sparkly choices as feminine, he can choose whatever he wants.

[Reefgazer]

I'd just let him wear the shoes he wants.  If he's a kid who cares at all about how they will be perceived, peer pressure will take care of it in due time.  If he doesn't care, no big deal.  Unless glitter and sparkles makes you gag no matter who it's on, in which case, tell him that store burned down in a fire, LOL!

[SparklyUnicorn]

BTDT.  It's impossible to make a good decision here.  You lose either way.

 

 

[ashfern]

I would point out that the girl shoes are narrower and may hurt his feet. If he likes the pink & sparkles could you buy white canvas shoes and let him make them however he wants? Having girls and boys, I have found that boy clothes & shoes seem to be constructed to last longer.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I played the impracticality card.  I'm not sure it was the right choice though.  Again, just an impossible thing to decide.

[luuknam]

Yes, this.  Informed consent is good. 

 

The problem I have though is his autistic rigidity, along the lines of "I'm a boy so I MUST wear stuff from the boy's section". His reasoning in that isn't that people might make fun of him... it's just the thing that makes logical sense to him. And I really hate how everything is so gendered. I don't believe shoes *have* a gender... but society does.

 

His little brother wore pink Hello Kitty snow boots the past two winters, and we teach him to say "pink is just a color" whenever someone commented on it. Even 4yos would sometimes say stuff about him wearing "girl's" snow boots, so both kids have had several opportunity's to hear society's opinions on the matter. Part of me is wondering whether C just uses this as a loophole to his "I'm a boy so I have to get stuff from the boy's department" rule. Like, if he knows that they're meant for girls, but so long as the store doesn't explicitly label them as such it's okay.

 

On the bright side, other kids are usually cool with those things. C wore an Anna (from Frozen) dress for a Halloween sleepover last fall, and the boy's voted him "best costume" and several boys said that they wished they were that courageous. Having a "yeah, they're pink, isn't that cool!" attitude when someone says something about pink shoes or w/e sure helps... kids looking to pick on some kid aren't looking for that kind of reaction.

 

Finally, for those who don't remember, C's bio-dad is a male-to-female transsexual (like Caitlyn, but transitioned when C was 6 months old). So we've talked about the gender continuum relatively often, but he's often such a black-and-white thinker. 

[Catwoman]

The problem I have though is his autistic rigidity, along the lines of "I'm a boy so I MUST wear stuff from the boy's section". His reasoning in that isn't that people might make fun of him... it's just the thing that makes logical sense to him. And I really hate how everything is so gendered. I don't believe shoes *have* a gender... but society does.

 

His little brother wore pink Hello Kitty snow boots the past two winters, and we teach him to say "pink is just a color" whenever someone commented on it. Even 4yos would sometimes say stuff about him wearing "girl's" snow boots, so both kids have had several opportunity's to hear society's opinions on the matter. Part of me is wondering whether C just uses this as a loophole to his "I'm a boy so I have to get stuff from the boy's department" rule. Like, if he knows that they're meant for girls, but so long as nobody explicitly labels them as such it's okay.

 

On the bright side, other kids are usually cool with those things. C wore an Anna (from Frozen) dress for a Halloween sleepover last fall, and the boy's voted him "best costume" and several boys said that they wished they were that courageous. Having a "yeah, they're pink, isn't that cool!" attitude when someone says something about pink shoes or w/e sure helps... kids looking to pick on some kid aren't looking for that kind of reaction.

 

Finally, for those who don't remember, C's bio-dad is a male-to-female transsexual (like Caitlyn, but transitioned when C was 6 months old). So we've talked about the gender continuum relatively often, but he's often such a black-and-white thinker.

I think it's fine if he is a black-and-white thinker about things like clothing. His bio dad can be whatever she wants to be, but so can your son.

 

Honestly, your son's life will be a lot easier if he is happy being a boy and wearing boys' clothes.

[Catwoman]

I would tell him that most people see gender as a binary, with the only choices being male and female, but that there is really a broad spectrum of gender identity.

It would honestly never occur to me to say something like that to a 7 or 8 year-old child unless I thought the kid was having a serious issue with his own gender.

[amy g.]

So once I was at Payless. My girls wanted rainbow crocs. Then my son wanted rainbow crocs too. I told him that he might be interested in the navy crocs. No. He wasn't. So I told him that they might make nice "home shoes". Nope. Not interested in that.

 

So I buy them, and he wears them to swim meet. A kid from the other team starts teasing him about wearing girl shoes. Without missing a beat, my son tellhim, "I'm so sad that you have offended the shoes of eternal happiness. Now you can never be happy again."

 

Then the boys down the line start asking to try on the shoes, and then dance a jig saying,"He is right! These are the shoes of happiness!"

 

The bully was completely confused and I never worried about protecting my son again.

[Miss Peregrine]

So once I was at Payless. My girls wanted rainbow crocs. Then my son wanted rainbow crocs too. I told him that he might be interested in the navy crocs. No. He wasn't. So I told him that they might make nice "home shoes". Nope. Not interested in that.

 

So I buy them, and he wears them to swim meet. A kid from the other team starts teasing him about wearing girl shoes. Without missing a beat, my son tellhim, "I'm so sad that you have offended the shoes of eternal happiness. Now you can never be happy again."

 

Then the boys down the line start asking to try on the shoes, and then dance a jig saying,"He is right! These are the shoes of happiness!"

 

The bully was completely confused and I never worried about protecting my son again.

This made my night!

[Alice]

C outgrew his shoes, so we went to Payless. We bought two pair for him, one pink and sparkly, and the other Frozen with Anna and Elsa and silver sparkles. Payless has boy's and girl's shoes all in the same spot, whereas most other stores have their shoes separated in a boy's and girl's section.

 

My dilemma is this: C has high-functioning autism. When we go to a store that store that has boy's and girl's sections for clothes or shoes, he'll practically always pick clothes or shoes from the boy's section (I think the couple of exceptions have maybe been where the boundary between the sections was unclear and he picked something that was just barely on the girl's side). However, if we go to some place where they don't have separate shoe sections (can't think of a place like that for clothes - if you do, please mention it), he'll practically always pick the pink and/or sparkly stuff.

 

Should I explain to him that pink and/or sparkly tends to mean "for girls", and let him decide if he still wants to buy/wear those kinds of things, kind of like an informed consent situation, or should I just let him buy/wear w/e he wants? I just didn't expect to have to deal with an almost 8yo who still doesn't seem to 'get' that on his own. We've had conversations about that it doesn't matter if something is "for girls" or "for boys", but he still wants stuff from the boy's section and not from the girl's section, so I feel sort of bad about letting him unwittingly wear "girl's" shoes, but I also really just want him to wear what he likes.

 

This would be the deciding point for me. It sounds like it's important to him to wear "boy" clothes, which to me means it's important to him that he identifies as a boy. Maybe it's even more important to him because he knows that he misses the normal social cues and wants to make sure he's fitting in.  I would respect that feeling in him even if there is a part of me that thought it was silly that boys can't wear pink and sparkly. 

[*Lulu*]

BTDT. It's impossible to make a good decision here. You lose either way.

I've noticed that a whole lotta parenting is like that.

[Amy in NH]

It would honestly never occur to me to say something like that to a 7 or 8 year-old child unless I thought the kid was having a serious issue with his own gender.

 

Some people who identify as nonbinary or transgender complain that not telling kids this:

1) creates a society where nonbinary and transgender are not accepted

and

2) does not let kids who feel different than the binary know that there is an option for them

 

If gender is a social construct, then only telling kids about the male/female binary constructs a culture/reality of exclusion for those who fit outside the binary.

[LucyStoner]

BTDT. It's impossible to make a good decision here. You lose either way.

I strongly disagree. Things turned out just fine for my older son.

 

If it's not wearing pink, it's something else. If a kid wants to tease a kid, they will find something. We can not protect our kids from every mean word, the best we can do is to not be the source of the mean words. Obviously there are different ways of approaching this but I don't think it has to have a bad outcome. It didn't for us.

[LucyStoner]

So once I was at Payless. My girls wanted rainbow crocs. Then my son wanted rainbow crocs too. I told him that he might be interested in the navy crocs. No. He wasn't. So I told him that they might make nice "home shoes". Nope. Not interested in that.

 

So I buy them, and he wears them to swim meet. A kid from the other team starts teasing him about wearing girl shoes. Without missing a beat, my son tellhim, "I'm so sad that you have offended the shoes of eternal happiness. Now you can never be happy again."

 

Then the boys down the line start asking to try on the shoes, and then dance a jig saying,"He is right! These are the shoes of happiness!"

 

The bully was completely confused and I never worried about protecting my son again.

My son, on being told that he was wearing girl socks replied "no, I'm a boy, these are my socks so they are boys socks." Said with a slight tone of "what the heck is wrong with you that you care about the color of my socks?!" It was priceless and the child left him alone. When I went to visit his classroom a child confided in me that boys can wear pink too because my son wore pink.

 

It was all good.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I strongly disagree. Things turned out just fine for my older son.

 

If it's not wearing pink, it's something else. If a kid wants to tease a kid, they will find something. We can not protect our kids from every mean word, the best we can do is to not be the source of the mean words. Obviously there are different ways of approaching this but I don't think it has to have a bad outcome. It didn't for us.

 

I strongly disagree with you.  Hah.. (no I really don't) 

 

I'm just saying...it's THAT difficult to deal with.

[LucyStoner]

I strongly disagree with you. Hah.. (no I really don't)

 

I'm just saying...it's THAT difficult to deal with.

Maybe it depends on where you live? And also the disposition of your child. It just wasn't that hard because it's not a big deal here and my son wasn't the sort to be crushed by that sort of teasing.

[Tanaqui]

I'm an autistic individual, and I was bullied as a child, and the truth is that it didn't matter how I dressed, or what I did, those people who were inclined to attack people different from them were going to do it anyway. I could have worn the most conforming clothes possible - some years I did, in fact - and they would still have commented on them negatively.

 

It's a gloomy outlook, to be sure, but there it is. The shoes aren't going to really make a difference.

[LucyStoner]

I also think it's generally pretty easy for boys to find things they like in the boys department,

This has not been our experience past the toddler age. There's just so many garments in dark, dull colors for boys. After a certain age there was less and less red and yellow and orange. Even the blues go more dark navy.

 

For a kid who just wants bright, fun colors it can be hard to shop in the boys section. I've noticed the higher end stores are more likely to have bright colors and even pinks and purples for boys but most people aren't shopping for jeans and t-shirts in stores that charge $29 for a boys tshirt. Every so often a color trends like lime or purple and it's available in the boys section at target or similar but the consistent features of those departments are navy, gray, army green etc. a least that's been my experience shopping for boys over the last 11+ years.

[Catwoman]

I'm an autistic individual, and I was bullied as a child, and the truth is that it didn't matter how I dressed, or what I did, those people who were inclined to attack people different from them were going to do it anyway. I could have worn the most conforming clothes possible - some years I did, in fact - and they would still have commented on them negatively.

 

It's a gloomy outlook, to be sure, but there it is. The shoes aren't going to really make a difference.

Wow. That's awful. :(

 

I'm very sorry you were treated that way. :grouphug:

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah the boy's department is boring.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm an autistic individual, and I was bullied as a child, and the truth is that it didn't matter how I dressed, or what I did, those people who were inclined to attack people different from them were going to do it anyway. I could have worn the most conforming clothes possible - some years I did, in fact - and they would still have commented on them negatively.

 

It's a gloomy outlook, to be sure, but there it is. The shoes aren't going to really make a difference.

 

Some people suck...

[luuknam]

I'm an autistic individual, and I was bullied as a child, and the truth is that it didn't matter how I dressed, or what I did, those people who were inclined to attack people different from them were going to do it anyway. I could have worn the most conforming clothes possible - some years I did, in fact - and they would still have commented on them negatively.

 

It's a gloomy outlook, to be sure, but there it is. The shoes aren't going to really make a difference.

 

 

I'm afraid I can agree with that from experience. Which is part of the reason I'm reluctant to try to get my son to fit in with society's stereotypes. I'd rather that he proudly wears his sparkly pink shoes than that he tries to fit in and still fails. The more I tried to fit in, the worse things got, probably because I felt more insecure, because I never knew if I was doing things 'right', and the bullies always found stuff to pick on, no matter how nonsensical. I want my son to know that of course wearing what he likes is right.

[SKL]

The problem I have though is his autistic rigidity, along the lines of "I'm a boy so I MUST wear stuff from the boy's section". His reasoning in that isn't that people might make fun of him... it's just the thing that makes logical sense to him. And I really hate how everything is so gendered. I don't believe shoes *have* a gender... but society does.

 

It sounds to me like letting him be himself means supporting him in wearing boys' clothes.  Encouraging him to wear girls' clothes sounds like letting him be the way *you* think people should be, instead of how he actually is.

 

My daughters like to wear dresses to school every day.  I support them in that.  I would be fine if they wanted to wear pants (like I did/do) but they are happier in dresses.  Apparently my kids weren't placed on this earth to challenge gender stereotypes around clothing.  Sounds like your son wasn't either.

 

Now if he wanted those sparkly pink shoes even knowing they were "for girls," that would be a different question.  If he wanted to be the type of person whose clothes make a statement or whatever, fine and dandy.  But he doesn't.  So why should he?

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

So once I was at Payless. My girls wanted rainbow crocs. Then my son wanted rainbow crocs too. I told him that he might be interested in the navy crocs. No. He wasn't. So I told him that they might make nice "home shoes". Nope. Not interested in that.

 

So I buy them, and he wears them to swim meet. A kid from the other team starts teasing him about wearing girl shoes. Without missing a beat, my son tellhim, "I'm so sad that you have offended the shoes of eternal happiness. Now you can never be happy again."

 

Then the boys down the line start asking to try on the shoes, and then dance a jig saying,"He is right! These are the shoes of happiness!"

 

The bully was completely confused and I never worried about protecting my son again.

This is the best!

[Garga]

That's a tough one. Younger and I wouldn't be concerned. But he is getting to an age where other kids and even other parents may treat him differently or even badly if he is too far outside the norm. Letting him know ahead of time might be a good idea. Does he get outside with other kids a lot?

 

We had a sort of similar issue with my son. He potty trained by using a doll that he was "training" as I was training him. He became very attached and wanted to practice being a good father. He carried that doll a lot of places. In 4k he took the doll to school for show and tell. No one said anything and it was fine. He was learning how to be a nurturing parent and I thought it was great.

 

However, when he was maybe 6 or 7 DD had several friends over. Some had younger brothers and sisters so the younger kids came to hang out with DS. They found DS's doll. He proudly showed them where the doll slept and the stroller, etc. I don't know what the kids did, or what they said to him because I was putting snacks out but when I came back over the doll had been stripped naked and strung up. The kids were all making fun of the doll. DS was devastated and very upset. He was also very confused as to why they would do such a thing. It really negatively impacted him for a bit. I felt I had failed him by not warning him that some people do not understand boys playing with dolls.

 

Ahhhhh! Kids can be soooo mean. Your poor little boy. That would have broken my boys' hearts and mine as well. Reading this made my heart ache.

[Catwoman]

I'm afraid I can agree with that from experience. Which is part of the reason I'm reluctant to try to get my son to fit in with society's stereotypes. I'd rather that he proudly wears his sparkly pink shoes than that he tries to fit in and still fails. The more I tried to fit in, the worse things got, probably because I felt more insecure, because I never knew if I was doing things 'right', and the bullies always found stuff to pick on, no matter how nonsensical. I want my son to know that of course wearing what he likes is right.

The thing is, it seems like your son actually wants to fit in with society's stereotypes. I would consider that to be a big positive, because it is one less thing that makes him different from the other kids.

 

If he felt very strongly about wearing girls' clothes, this would be an entirely different conversation and I would be saying you should support him and help him figure out what was best for him, but that doesn't seem to be the case here, and it almost seems like you would prefer him to be different because the bullies will pick on him anyway.

 

I have a feeling I am misunderstanding you, and I hope I haven't posted anything that offended you.

[Amy in NH]

The thing is, it seems like your son actually wants to fit in with society's stereotypes. I would consider that to be a big positive, because it is one less thing that makes him different from the other kids.

 

If he felt very strongly about wearing girls' clothes, this would be an entirely different conversation and I would be saying you should support him and help him figure out what was best for him, but that doesn't seem to be the case here, and it almost seems like you would prefer him to be different because the bullies will pick on him anyway.

 

I have a feeling I am misunderstanding you, and I hope I haven't posted anything that offended you.

 

Obviously he feels strongly enough to pick out pink and sparkly shoes for himself without knowing that they are marketed toward girls.  Why ruin the good feeling he has for the choices he's made by telling him that boys don't wear them.  Clearly he is a boy and chose the shoes, so boys do wear them.  I think it's nice that Payless puts all the shoes together so that kids of any gender can pick what they like without being told what's "acceptable".

[Catwoman]

Obviously he feels strongly enough to pick out pink and sparkly shoes for himself without knowing that they are marketed toward girls. Why ruin the good feeling he has for the choices he's made by telling him that boys don't wear them. Clearly he is a boy and chose the shoes, so boys do wear them. I think it's nice that Payless puts all the shoes together so that kids of any gender can pick what they like without being told what's "acceptable".

The thing is, this kid *wants* to be a boy and wear boys' clothes. It is important to him. It would seem to be almost a betrayal to buy girls' shoes for a boy who luuknam knows wants to only wear boys' things without first telling him that the shoes were made for girls. It also sounds like he would be perfectly happy with shoes from the boys department.

 

I don't know why any mom would intentionally choose pink and sparkly shoes for their sons if bullying is already a concern, and the boy would just as readily wear boys shoes. Why add fuel to the fire, particularly in this case where the boy's priority is to do boy things and wear boys' clothing?