Would you say something? Or MYOB?

[Halcyon]

I have a half sister who is 13 -or maybe she just turned 14? (one year older than my son) and heading to boarding school next year for high school. I don't see her often often, maybe once every 3 months, even though we live in the same town. Her sister (the child of my step mother and my step mother's prior marriage) was talking to me today and talking about how C was being bullied in her current public school, and that there was even a C*** M*** SL*T Day (the first two words are her name, the third one you can guess) which took place mostly on social media. I felt so bad for her, I never knew. Her mom says that bullying toughens her up, and the other kids are just jealous.  I think it's good she is leaving this year for boarding school, and hopefully she will love it.

 

Anyway, in my concern, i googled her name and found that she has an Instagram account up, which is public and viewable to anyone. In it, there are mostly shots of her in her bikini, sexy sunset shots, her playing in the pool, vamping for the camera with friends and...again..just....bikinis. Lots of bikinis. THere are a few inappropriate comments by seeming strangers about how hot she is, etc.

 

I don't think her mother knows about this account, although I could be wrong. Neither her mother or my father (her father too) are particularly into social media, and neither have any social media accounts. I can't imagine they know about this account, although I could be very wrong, as we have very different parenting styles, and their daughter is much more mature than my son--really, she is much more "mature" in her dress, makeup etc than I really can see as acceptable in a 13 yo, but that's ME. 

 

Would you mention this account to either the father (he's my father too) or the mother? Would you mention it in passing, like "SO I was on Instagram the other day and WOW---C has some pretty risque shots up there..you do know it's a public account, right? And that anyone can view it?" and try to keep it casual?

 

Or would you just MYOB? I am tempted to MMOB simply because when they have made comments on my parenting style (that my sons should be in public school, that my sons should have been circumcised) I didn't appreciate it, and I asked that we each respect each other's parenting styles (this was about 3 years ago).

 

Thoughts?

 

Update in #33

[Jean in Newcastle]

To me, simply taking pictures in a bikini does not mean risque.  Risque is . . . well, sexing it up .  . . for lack of a better way to say it.  I would MYOB.  

[unsinkable]

Telling them something like, "I saw C's Instagram and I wanted to make sure you knew about it" isn't disrespecting their parenting style.

 

I would tell them.

 

"I can't believe you let C post pictures like that on Instagram" would be more like disrespecting.

[Halcyon]

To me, simply taking pictures in a bikini does not mean risque.  Risque is . . . well, sexing it up .  . . for lack of a better way to say it.  I would MYOB.  

Well, that's the thing. THey were....risque..by your definition. Definitely not just kids playing in bathing suits, kwim?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Then I agree with Unsinkable.  

[amsunshine]

This might be a little more indirect, but maybe you could casually ask the mom about when she allowed her daughter(s) to have Instagram and what her thoughts are about IG accounts, limitations, etc.  Perhaps asking as if you are seeking information for your own education about what to allow for your own kids, etc.

 

I guess I would tread carefully, but I would find a way to bring it up indirectly.  It sounds to me as if your half-sis is desperately seeking approval.

[JoJosMom]

I have a half sister who is 13 -or maybe she just turned 14? (one year older than my son) and heading to boarding school next year for high school. I don't see her often often, maybe once every 3 months, even though we live in the same town. Her sister (the child of my step mother and my step mother's prior marriage) was talking to me today and talking about how C was being bullied in her current public school, and that there was even a C*** M*** SL*T Day (the first two words are her name, the third one you can guess) which took place mostly on social media. I felt so bad for her, I never knew. Her mom says that bullying toughens her up, and the other kids are just jealous.  I think it's good she is leaving this year for boarding school, and hopefully she will love it.

 

Anyway, in my concern, i googled her name and found that she has an Instagram account up, which is public and viewable to anyone. In it, there are mostly shots of her in her bikini, sexy sunset shots, her playing in the pool, vamping for the camera with friends and...again..just....bikinis. Lots of bikinis. THere are a few inappropriate comments by seeming strangers about how hot she is, etc.

 

I don't think her mother knows about this account, although I could be wrong. Neither her mother or my father (her father too) are particularly into social media, and neither have any social media accounts. I can't imagine they know about this account, although I could be very wrong, as we have very different parenting styles, and their daughter is much more mature than my son--really, she is much more "mature" in her dress, makeup etc than I really can see as acceptable in a 13 yo, but that's ME. 

 

Would you mention this account to either the father (he's my father too) or the mother? Would you mention it in passing, like "SO I was on Instagram the other day and WOW---C has some pretty risque shots up there..you do know it's a public account, right? And that anyone can view it?" and try to keep it casual?

 

Or would you just MYOB? I am tempted to MMOB simply because when they have made comments on my parenting style (that my sons should be in public school, that my sons should have been circumcised) I didn't appreciate it, and I asked that we each respect each other's parenting styles (this was about 3 years ago).

 

Thoughts?

 

Assuming an okay relationship with your dad, I would probably mention it in the way that you suggest and for the same reason.  They (and possibly she) may not be familiar with how public a forum she's posting in.  And it is highly doubtful that a 13-year-old has considered/is able to consider the potential problems that could come of posting in such a public way.  And if they don't know about the conduct at all, well, I'd want to know.  The key for me is that you are family.  I would not say anything if I were not family. HTH.

 

[Ethel Mertz]

I'd tell them. 

[trulycrabby]

I agree with unsinkable.

[poppy]

I'd mention it. Her age is a factor, the consequences she is already facing is a big factor, Although the mother's approval of bullying is concerning.

[raptor_dad]

I'd try to talk to the girl... you are  sort of a de facto aunt... involving your half-sister or dad may not be useful. I'd try have a frank, non-accusatory discussion with the girl first.

[Garga]

I don't think I'd be too subtle about it. I wouldn't pass judgement, but being that the parents are not social media savvy if you downplay it too much they won't understand the impact.

 

I'd say, "Did you know that those pictures of C posing in her bikini are available for everyone online to see? And male strangers saw them and wrote "sexy" (or whatever they wrote) on her account? I can show you how to keep those pictures from being public if you want to."

 

If they say, "Eh, it's fine," then drop it and pass the bean dip around.

 

Edited to remove the 500 commas I added in. Why do I add 500 commas to everything I write?

[Halcyon]

Thanks for all the responses so far. I guess i am just clueless about this--my ds12 doesn't have FB or any social media, and I can't imagine he will anytime soon. If and when he does, I will be monitoring it. 

 

Plus I think it's different for young girls who post provocative photos of themselves, especially if the privacy settings are not tight--any weirdo can ogle the shots. And young teen girls are often the most vulnerable and needy. Plus, with her being bullied, I can imagine she feels she needs the self-esteem boost, however ephemeral, it provides. 

 

Her sister said to me "I don't think C dresses inappropriately" when she was trying to understand why she was being picked on and called a "sl*t". Now, I personally DO think she dresses inappropriately, but probably no differently than any other Florida teen. I am in no way victim blaming, but I do think her parents need to understand that the internet component here is playing a huge part. I don't think they're really clued in to social media at all. They kicked her off FB, but she just migrated to other social media. 

[Halcyon]

I'd mention it. Her age is a factor, the consequences she is already facing is a big factor, Although the mother's approval of bullying is concerning.

 

 

This. She doesn't have a problem with texting all the time (C got an iphone when she was 10), having various social media accounts, and her daughter having her head in a phone most of the time, as long as her daughter does well in school (she does). And she thinks bullying is 'strengthening' her character. :(

[purplejackmama]

I'm a "pretty defensive about my choices" kind of parent and I would want someone to tell me.

[Annie G]

Too bad you're not closer to the girl so you could have a talk with her. Maybe she doesn't realize that a new school means a clean slate and a new chance to make a first impression. She might the dressing that way and posting those pics because she doesn't know how to change her reputation. Which came first- the inappropriate clothes or the bullying at school? Who knows. Maybe she needs someone to care about her enough to help her make a good impression. 

 

Or not. Maybe she's a 24 year old wild child. 

[Gentlemommy]

I'm a "pretty defensive about my choices" kind of parent and I would want someone to tell me.

This.

[livetoread]

I wouldn't say anything unless I knew the parents would care enough to do something about it. Sadly, I don't think sexualized bikini pictures are that unusual for girls that age. When my son was around that age, I was taken aback by the plethora in fact. Interestingly, as he got older, either his taste in friends improved or the girls wised up some, but I see less of it now at almost 17 than I did when he was 14.

[EmseB]

Edited to remove the 500 commas I added in. Why do I add 500 commas to everything I write?

 

I do it too!!  It's a thinking pause or something.  I don't know.  I feel compelled to put commas everywhere when typing on forums.

 

(sorry for the tangent)

[HRAAB]

I have 5 dds, and I would want to know if they were posting this type of pictures, especially at 13.  I'm not very confrontational, so I would probably mention it in some round about way.  It's difficult when it's family.  Still, I think most parents would want to know.  It's hard to guide your child when you are in the dark.

[momto10blessings]

Age 13/14, yes I'd say something.

[Mabelen]

I would prefer to speak with the girl first too. She needs to hear from somebody who cares about her and will not judge her.

[MiMi 4under3]

I would definitely tell my dad if my 13 year old sister did this, and I wouldn't think twice about it. 

[Catwoman]

I'd mention it. Her age is a factor, the consequences she is already facing is a big factor, Although the mother's approval of bullying is concerning.

I agree.

 

And I don't understand the la-dee-dah attitude toward bullying, either, particularly given the media attention it has received lately. It's not like the mom wouldn't have heard that kids have gone so far as to commit suicide as a result of it. How could she have such a "suck it up and deal with it" attitude? That is so mean!!!

[Catwoman]

Telling them something like, "I saw C's Instagram and I wanted to make sure you knew about it" isn't disrespecting their parenting style.

 

I would tell them.

 

"I can't believe you let C post pictures like that on Instagram" would be more like disrespecting.

:iagree:

[mommymonster]

I would go the politely-clueless-yet-helpful route. Something to the effect of, "Hey, Dad, I saw C has an Instagram account! Have you?" [Whips out phone...scrolling... scrolling...] "Oh! Goodness! I just realized that these photos are set to public. That means anyone can see them, even people you don't know. Will you look at that comment!?! Do you want some help with the privacy settings? We can tighten up those settings a bit, if you'd like!" 

 

 

[annandatje]

MYOB

[J-rap]

Do you think she's reacting to the bullying?  Is that part of the cause of her bullying?  In any event, I think I'd say something.  However, it sounds like their parenting styles are much different than your own, so I guess I wouldn't expect much to happen.   It is sad.  Seems like she is just setting herself up for more trouble.

 

I wonder if you could spend a little more time with her before she heads off to boarding school?  Maybe you'll have a chance to have some impact on her, or maybe she'll open up with you and you can advise her then.

 

 

[SereneHome]

Two things for full disclosure:  1 - I am not the most tactful person in the world and 2 - I am probably too paranoid as a parent.  So.....that being said

 

Yes, I would tell the father (since he is your father too) and I wouldn't even pretend to go in round-about way.  As a matter of fact, I would show him the pics.

 

As a parent, the LAST thing I would want is half-naked pics of my kids floating around. Oh for sooo many reasons. 

[MSNative]

I am usually in the myob camp. This time I would say something. If she is already posting risqué pics and being bullied, she may resort to other tactics for approval by some. My mom is a teacher. A girl in her school emailed a topless pic to a boy who was "nice" to her. The girl had just moved and started at the school and was having problems making friends. Anyway, as soon as the school found out, they deleted it everywhere they could and tried to get rid of it. Too late. The picture was out there and people can still find it by searching her name. She has changed schools three times in the past 6 years cause once one kid finds it, it spreads like wildfire all over the new school and the teasing and worse begins again.

It sounds like your half sister could be in a similar vulnerable place socially with the bullying. I would def talk to the parents and her. She needs some tlc and some people in her court.

[Halcyon]

okay, so here's an update.

I actually called her sister this morning, the one who informed me of the bullying. She's 20 and in college, so she understands the pull of social media and also the risks. I wanted to know if SHE knew about the account, and feel her out as to whether her MOM knew.

 

Here's what she said, in a nutshell:

"Oh yea, I know of the Instagram account. So does my mom. In fact, C has had to shut down and then reopen the account because she had some creeps following her. Anyway, do you think you might mention your concerns to her? Because when I do, she said I was just jealous that C had more followers than me."

 

:ohmy:

[amsunshine]

"Oh yea, I know of the Instagram account. So does my mom. In fact, C has had to shut down and then reopen the account because she had some creeps following her. Anyway, do you think you might mention your concerns to her? Because when I do, she said I was just jealous that C had more followers than me."

 

:ohmy:

 

 

Oh my.  That's tough.  I would definitely talk to her, if I were you....and hope she is able to hear where you are coming from.  

[stephanier.1765]

I'd mention it. I might even mention to the teen. Right now she has a clean slate before entering her new school but once she is there then her fellow students will start googling her and the bullying might start again. At least that's how I'd approach talking to the teen. Clean slate = better years at school.

[Halcyon]

Oh my.  That's tough.  I would definitely talk to her, if I were you....and hope she is able to hear where you are coming from.  

The impression i got from the sister was that the mom is aware of the public nature of the accounts, but doesn't care. The sister said that "C wants to get 3000 followers" and the mom knows this, and in order to get 3000 followers, the account needs to be public. 

 

I don't think the mom thinks this is at all  a big deal. 

[sassenach]

okay, so here's an update.

I actually called her sister this morning, the one who informed me of the bullying. She's 20 and in college, so she understands the pull of social media and also the risks. I wanted to know if SHE knew about the account, and feel her out as to whether her MOM knew.

 

Here's what she said, in a nutshell:

"Oh yea, I know of the Instagram account. So does my mom. In fact, C has had to shut down and then reopen the account because she had some creeps following her. Anyway, do you think you might mention your concerns to her? Because when I do, she said I was just jealous that C had more followers than me."

 

:ohmy:

 

Yikes. With that, I would stay out of it. And pray for her safety, because, wow.

 

[sassenach]

I'd mention it. I might even mention to the teen. Right now she has a clean slate before entering her new school but once she is there then her fellow students will start googling her and the bullying might start again. At least that's how I'd approach talking to the teen. Clean slate = better years at school.

That's not a bad idea. 

[amsunshine]

Yikes. With that, I would stay out of it. And pray for her safety, because, wow.

 

I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't try to say something kindly and gently, but directly, to the girl.  This sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. She may not listen, but I would at least feel as if I tried.

[JoJosMom]

okay, so here's an update.

I actually called her sister this morning, the one who informed me of the bullying. She's 20 and in college, so she understands the pull of social media and also the risks. I wanted to know if SHE knew about the account, and feel her out as to whether her MOM knew.

 

Here's what she said, in a nutshell:

"Oh yea, I know of the Instagram account. So does my mom. In fact, C has had to shut down and then reopen the account because she had some creeps following her. Anyway, do you think you might mention your concerns to her? Because when I do, she said I was just jealous that C had more followers than me."

 

:ohmy:

 

:ohmy: pretty much says it all.

 

With the update, I think that I might try to speak with C directly.  What she is doing is potentially endangering her and may follow her negatively for a very long time.  Clearly she is getting no rational direction from home, so I would probably at least give it a go.

 

What an uncomfortable situation to be in, Halcyon.  :grouphug: 

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

MYOB

I often agree with this but this is her own sister.

[Katy]

Ahh, I agreed with everyone when I didn't realize sister lived in Florida.

 

If in North Florida (the Panhandle or equivalent) people are a little more conservative and I'd mention it, or at least safety concerns.

 

If in South Florida I'd be a little more reticent to mention anything...  As an example, in North Florida at a church function it was considered immodest to wear a bikini...  In South Florida every girl at a church event within a few miles of the beach would be in a bikini.  Bikinis aren't considered sexy there the same way they are in the rest of the country, it's more just clothing.  When it's 98 degrees and 104% humidity the definition of what's sexy and what's stifling changes a bit.

 

Now, her parents might still want her to back off the bikini photos a bit...   internet is forever...  but if she's further South than Orlando I can pretty much guarantee their definition of risque and yours are different.

[PrairieSong]

Does she realize what could happen? I'd find actual stories about kids/young teens who have been stalked or worse because of social media, and talk to C. I'd probably try to talk to her mom also. What is she thinking???

[PrairieSong]

Ahh, I agreed with everyone when I didn't realize sister lived in Florida.

 

If in North Florida (the Panhandle or equivalent) people are a little more conservative and I'd mention it, or at least safety concerns.

 

If in South Florida I'd be a little more reticent to mention anything... As an example, in North Florida at a church function it was considered immodest to wear a bikini... In South Florida every girl at a church event within a few miles of the beach would be in a bikini. Bikinis aren't considered sexy there the same way they are in the rest of the country, it's more just clothing. When it's 98 degrees and 104% humidity the definition of what's sexy and what's stifling changes a bit.

 

Now, her parents might still want her to back off the bikini photos a bit... internet is forever... but if she's further South than Orlando I can pretty much guarantee their definition of risque and yours are different.

I don't think it really matters where she lives. She is putting her Instagram account out there for the whole world to see, including all the potential creepy followers.

[Katy]

I don't think it really matters where she lives. She is putting her Instagram account out there for the whole world to see, including all the potential creepy followers.

 

Yes, but if you live in South Florida you don't think you're showing them anything, because that's the way everyone lives.  It's a culture difference.

[PrairieSong]

Yes, but if you live in South Florida you don't think you're showing them anything, because that's the way everyone lives. It's a culture difference.

Yes, I understood what you were saying, but just because that's part of the culture in south Florida doesn't mean there aren't potential creepers out there. Her photos are online for anyone in the world to see. Hopefully she will realize that.

[MotherGoose]

I could not keep my mouth shut on this one. She is a very young teen still.

[wapiti]

Another vote for talking directly to the girl, if that's possible.  Your opinion might be worth more weight just because you're not her mom.  Unfortunately, it may be difficult to convey the big picture that your advice is coming from, considering local culture and her young age, but I suppose it's worth a try.

[Lovingparent]

I am usually firmly in the MYOB camp, but this is really worrisome for such a young girl. Does she at least turn off the geo location of her pictures? If she doesn't the creeps can actually find her where she lives. I would definitely talk to the girl. She is too young to know better and obviously she is not getting the best advice from her own mother. I would possibly even talk to the dad. I mean he is your father too and you can say something like "I don't want to question your parenting decisions, but I am concerned about C's safety." It is a valid concern.

[Catwoman]

okay, so here's an update.

I actually called her sister this morning, the one who informed me of the bullying. She's 20 and in college, so she understands the pull of social media and also the risks. I wanted to know if SHE knew about the account, and feel her out as to whether her MOM knew.

 

Here's what she said, in a nutshell:

"Oh yea, I know of the Instagram account. So does my mom. In fact, C has had to shut down and then reopen the account because she had some creeps following her. Anyway, do you think you might mention your concerns to her? Because when I do, she said I was just jealous that C had more followers than me."

 

:ohmy:

OK, Mom knows and doesn't care.

 

But does your father know? Do you think he would feel differently about this?

 

Why am I getting the feeling that the mom went to the Kris Kardashian School of Parenting? :glare:

 

If sexy, revealing pictures are a good way to get followers, I wonder how dear old Mom would feel about her young teen making a sex tape. And I'm only half kidding. Where would she draw the line???

 

I can understand kids doing stupid things. I can not understand their mothers endorsing the stupid things -- particularly because posting those kinds of photos can potentially lead to dangerous results.

[Annie G]

OP, you'd be wasting your time talking to the mom. She clearly doesn't see anything wrong with it and might actually be encouraging it. So if you're going to say anything, maybe talk to your dad. I suspect he doesn't have a lot of say in how things go in that house, so even though he might be receptive to what you have to say, I doubt anything will change. That's too bad. 

[Halcyon]

OP, you'd be wasting your time talking to the mom. She clearly doesn't see anything wrong with it and might actually be encouraging it. So if you're going to say anything, maybe talk to your dad. I suspect he doesn't have a lot of say in how things go in that house, so even though he might be receptive to what you have to say, I doubt anything will change. That's too bad. 

 

 

Yes, that's my concern, and that she'd just see me as a buttinsky.

 

She and I are very different parents, let's just leave it at that.