teachermom2834 Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 My dad never told my mom anything. She was in the dark about finances, his job stability, etc. My dh is the opposite. He tells me everything. I used to think it was good but I don't like it anymore. A year ago my dh got let go from a job he thought was stable. It was a pretty ugly and hurtful situation but he bounced back and had a good job within 6 weeks. He got laid off of that job for lack of work 6 months later (nothing ugly, contracts just didn't come through as expected). Again, he bounced back and had a good job in 6 weeks. He is currently in his 5th month at this job. Two periods of unemployment in the course of a year have taken a toll on me and my stress level remains fairly high. I am struggling because every time he tells me he had a bad day at work I freak out thinking he is going to get fired. He tells me things are fine. He is just venting and sharing with me. I know it makes him feel better but it makes me feel awful. He called me this morning as he was driving out of town for work and told me about both a mistake he made and a misunderstanding he had with his boss that was bumpy. He assures me it is all fine. He just had a fantastic performance review at work less than two weeks ago. He vented and feels better and went about his day correcting his mistake. I'm left at home with a tightness in my chest worrying about his job security. :scared: I know I need to be supportive of him but every time he has a bad day and shares with me I get really worried. I guess I don't want him to keep things from me because then I would be blindsided if there really was a problem. Anyone else in this situation? Any advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 well, dh has always shared in some ways. Things about coding I have no comprehension about. I nod and smile and ask if it means all is good? LOL But there was a time he was silent. We had moved cross country, I had our 2nd child, and we bought a house. DH had been warned the contracts were going to change and he would have to change companies or lose his job. I never heard that. Ever. So we bought the house with my inheritance money. And 3 months later he lost his job. Another 3 months we had to sell the house b/c he hadn't found another job. So while it stresses me out, I want to hear the drama. Is it getting worse? Are the key issues leaving or does DH need to consider leaving? Etc. When I feel he needs to go, I push him to get a new job. He is often unable to discern the office issues over his personal feelings and I am that gauge for him. Men need an outlet too. If he doesn't have a friend to vent to, you need to be it. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 My husband shares work stuff with me all the time. But, his job is very stable so I don't have those added worries. I just get mad and want to give some people a piece of my mind. It is clear that that you have suffered from the stress of that instability. I don't necessarily think the answer is to stop sharing, but, perhaps, find a way to recover from the original stress that created this anxiety. It has sort of a PTSD flavor to it. Perhaps, when you start to feel anxiety when he shares the bad stuff, ask if this is a job threatening situation or just a need to blow of steam. If it still feels stressful, perhaps you can get some help with that. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomtoCandJ Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 I hear a lot about dh's work as well though his position is very secure. I tend to tune a lot of it out (I really don't need to know the step by step process of how to make a crown, or what you had to replace in which ever machine). 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 My dh does, but I don't understand a ton of what he tells me. When he is stressed I listen and ask "Do I need to be nervous?" He usually says no, and I believe him. I would hate for him not to have an outlet at home to vent - even if I don't have any advice, it's good for him to talk things out. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Dh shares some. His job is also fairly stable (for the time being), so I don't the worry OP has. He avoids telling me much about negative issues with co-workers because he doesn't want me to carry around bad opinions of them when he may be "just venting". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saddlemomma Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Absolutely! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 He tells me, because I ask. If I didn't ask, he wouldn't tell. If it bothered me and I told him to stop sharing anything unpleasant he'd oblige. I'd just tell your husband what you told us - ask him to edit anything too stressful so you don't get stressed, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oakblossoms Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 My husband shares a lot more than I would like. I think part of it is because we moved to the middle of nowhere. He doesn't really have a friends outside of work to talk that stuff out with. We went through many rough employment years prior to this move. I usually have to ask him to stop talking at some point and give me a breather. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 We talk a lot about his work. Sometimes it helps alleviate some of the high stress that always is piled on him from what he does and from his position within the company. When I was in the outside work force, we talked just as much about my own job. For my last five years in the outside work force, we worked at the same large company and knew many of the same people. As I know a fair amount about his field, I can ask intelligent questions, even make intelligent observations. Neither of us would be able to fathom "silence" between us regarding work, finances, personal problems, and so on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplejackmama Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Sending you a PM :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Marmalade Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 No. Many years ago my DH had a boss who was the type of guy to constantly threaten employment if things didn't go his way. DH would ask for a rare day off and his boss would lay into him about how he should be pleased he had a job and not ask for days off. He was not a good man... Anyway, it became very stressful, and I finally had to tell DH to stop telling me about stressful stuff from work. I directed him to a few of his guy friends and said that if he needed to unload, these were the men to do it for because I could NOT take it anymore. Every day for about two years I lived in fear that he would be fired. Now he has a decent job with a respectable company, and I still ask him not to share stressful details with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 My hubby tells me "gossip" but not everything. If it is about the technical part of work, I can easily understand. If it is about management, I can easily understand too since I used to work in the same sector. He is in private sector most of his life and we have never expect job security. We just save like crazy and he is always on the lookout for more stable jobs. When I was working I would tell him stuff too just to unload. My dad tells my mom everything because he miss social cues so my mom is his sounding board. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 yes, he shares as far as I can understand. I don't get the nitty-gritty of his job (he's a software engineer), but I get when "things are working right". Fortunately, he rarely has issues with workplace drama... all those engineers and geeky types just want to do their jobs and aren't into drama I guess. ;) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 It sounds to me like maybe you need to share with him. You wouldn't necessarily want to really be in the dark, really, and be blindsided, would you? But you need your own stress relief and ability to vent/discuss things. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 When something serious is going on. I try to listen. It's hard, though. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 My dh shares everything with me concerning his job, and we have been through 4 times of unemployment, one just last month. Sometimes, I admit, it is almost more than I can deal with, but I also know he has no one else to share it with. I guess that's what marriage is, sharing the stress as well as the good times. My dh needs that outlet; if he didn't have it, I think he could become depressed. So, I deal with it the best I can - even though it can be every single day at times. On the other hand, my dd's dh does not share anything with her concerning his job. She has to pull every little thing out of him. He doesn't want to add any additional stress on her (she's pregnant), but like she says, it more stressful knowing he's upset but not knowing exactly why and not being able to offer advice. We commiserate together and talk about how they could each do with a little of the other's traits. It helps that I have my dd to talk to since she understands where I'm coming from. Of course, when everything is going well at dh's job, it's not stressful to hear about how his day went. Just wish we had longer periods of peaceful stability. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Yes, he shares nearly everything. It's one of the double edged swords of also being an attorney and a member of the firm--otherwise he'd have to edit for confidentiality. Most of the times I like being involved and feeling up to date and valued for what is left of my legal mind. ;) Some days I have to tell him I'm unable to process anything else and just need to talk about fluff. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 I'm not trying to sound snippy but he unloads all. The. Time. He kind of whines. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Dh was fired during the economic downturn in our area from a Huge international company. After working 50-60hour weeks (salaried so no OT) for 2 years, he was fired by a new boss who didn't really like him and wanted to bring in some new blood. Dh got #1 top sales award for our area and a huge recognition prize offered by the company president (he personally chooses the recipient) on a project my dh did .... the same month he was fired for not hitting unattainable sales goals (no one made them, but since his market was the biggest, his goal was higher than everyone else, so he was the 'biggest loser ' based on overall dollars). LOL DH told me for the longest time that he was going to be fired simply because he had the largest market... he saw it coming but couldn't really stop it . No one would take his market from him because it was obvious the new manager was doing some stupid math to figure sales growth. I heard it for years. I dreaded it, because we were kinda frozen in time, waiting for the ax to fall. Dh is a pessimist and it gets really, really old hearing that the sky is falling all the time. Every single day. Every single week. He talked about his job ending. He was working so much, he couldn't really look for another job. Then he was finally fired. Then he went to work helping a friend, that didn't really work out. Then he opened his own business, and closed it a year later since he didn't like it. Then he got a new job for 2 years and after the first 6moths, I heard the sky is falling again! Now he has another new job. He hasn't started in yet, but I am sure it is coming. I appreciate knowing that we need to be aware of our spending, but seriously, living like you are going to lose your job everyday sucks! Like with his first job, even being the top preforming sales person didn't matter, it was all a personality issue, and you can manipulate data how every you want. One yearly job evaluation he was marked down for not doing enough community service work on his personal time (by the boss that didn't like him). We were full time foster parents to a special needs toddler!!!! But since the company can't put a logo on that, it wasn't considered valued by this manager so it wasn't good enough (the one who didn't like him). It was obvious the guy was looking for reasons, but what can you do when the target is on your back?!?!? Ugh! I can totally relate to wanting to know, but at the same time, Not! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 He tells me and I get nervous too, but I don't really feel right to tell him not to tell me because I'm the main person he talks to. I can relate though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 I think you need to calm down and trust him. Make sure he knows you're still stressed out when you hear work problems, but don't stop him from sharing, Ultimately you can't control whether he keeps a job or not. Everyone messes up. Your husband lost a job and found a better one very quickly twice! He got a great review! He's doing fantastic and you should be proud of him. I understand the impulse to let yourself stress, but it's not doing you or your relationship any good. Next time you feel stress tell yourself those thoughts are lies. You have an amazing husband who is working hard. Trust him. Trust God. Things will work out fine. He got out of a rotten situation and got into a better one so fast the entire situation should give you MORE confidence in him, not less! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 :grouphug: I'm sorry OP. You're in a tough situation because his sharing with you is very healthy, but i can certainly see why it makes you so anxious. I think that will probably get better as time goes by and he keeps this job, but oh I feel for you. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Dh was fired during the economic downturn in our area from a Huge international company. After working 50-60hour weeks (salaried so no OT) for 2 years, he was fired by a new boss who didn't really like him and wanted to bring in some new blood. Dh got #1 top sales award for our area and a huge recognition prize offered by the company president (he personally chooses the recipient) on a project my dh did .... the same month he was fired for not hitting unattainable sales goals (no one made them, but since his market was the biggest, his goal was higher than everyone else, so he was the 'biggest loser ' based on overall dollars). LOL DH told me for the longest time that he was going to be fired simply because he had the largest market... he saw it coming but couldn't really stop it . No one would take his market from him because it was obvious the new manager was doing some stupid math to figure sales growth. I heard it for years. I dreaded it, because we were kinda frozen in time, waiting for the ax to fall. Dh is a pessimist and it gets really, really old hearing that the sky is falling all the time. Every single day. Every single week. He talked about his job ending. He was working so much, he couldn't really look for another job. Then he was finally fired. Then he went to work helping a friend, that didn't really work out. Then he opened his own business, and closed it a year later since he didn't like it. Then he got a new job for 2 years and after the first 6moths, I heard the sky is falling again! Now he has another new job. He hasn't started in yet, but I am sure it is coming. I appreciate knowing that we need to be aware of our spending, but seriously, living like you are going to lose your job everyday sucks! Like with his first job, even being the top preforming sales person didn't matter, it was all a personality issue, and you can manipulate data how every you want. One yearly job evaluation he was marked down for not doing enough community service work on his personal time (by the boss that didn't like him). We were full time foster parents to a special needs toddler!!!! But since the company can't put a logo on that, it wasn't considered valued by this manager so it wasn't good enough (the one who didn't like him). It was obvious the guy was looking for reasons, but what can you do when the target is on your back?!?!? Ugh! I can totally relate to wanting to know, but at the same time, Not! I can relate to all this. Dh had a positive performance review the very morning he was fired. He was good with his managers but had run afoul of HR on a small policy issue. HR fired him with no input regarding job performance. I did come to realize how much of it is out of our hands. You really can't live everyday for years as though you are going to lose your job. Eventually, people need stuff. You can put things off for awhile but not forever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I think you need to calm down and trust him. Make sure he knows you're still stressed out when you hear work problems, but don't stop him from sharing, Ultimately you can't control whether he keeps a job or not. Everyone messes up. Your husband lost a job and found a better one very quickly twice! He got a great review! He's doing fantastic and you should be proud of him. I understand the impulse to let yourself stress, but it's not doing you or your relationship any good. Next time you feel stress tell yourself those thoughts are lies. You have an amazing husband who is working hard. Trust him. Trust God. Things will work out fine. He got out of a rotten situation and got into a better one so fast the entire situation should give you MORE confidence in him, not less! Yes. This. This is what I feel/think on rational days. I tell the kids all the time that we should take pride and strength that we have gotten through all this okay and we are still standing. It is out of our control. We thought he was really stable in a job he was doing well in and had been at for 10 years. Then he was jobless. We are no less stable than we were back then but the difference is that we KNOW it now. It changes things. I feel like I lost a naivety that I really enjoyed. Ignorance is bliss and all that. But, I could never ask him to stop sharing. We are very close and I am all he has for that purpose. I need to communicate to him how it makes me feel and work out a way to separate the venting from the serious trouble. It doesn't really matter though, probably. His other situation came without warning so there is no sense in me living thinking that I could do something differently if I saw it coming. We live pretty frugally anyways. Thanks so much for all the comments and advice. It really does help to talk about it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Yes he does because we tell each other everything. Plus, he values my input above others. That said, he's never lost a job, but I imagine I would feel very much the same way. But, I think I would consider that my problem, not his. I would never want him to feel like he had to protect me from life. That's sort of part of being partners, kwim? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I'm not trying to sound snippy but he unloads all. The. Time. He kind of whines. Yup. This. And I'm not really allowed to comment - I'm just supposed to listen. I have told him that if it's not going to be a conversation he should just keep a diary. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 While it may be upsetting to have your dh share so many details with you, would you really prefer he share them with someone else? It sounds like he needs someone to talk to, and he probably (and rightfully) trusts you above everyone else he knows. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Today dh shared and it made me mad. Dh had to relocate his workspace because of downsizing, and his new place is near another department filled with people who, today for example, come to work very late, an hour later take an 1.5 birthday party lunch, come back for a bit and then have a Star Wars party, and then leave an hour early. This is their day hard at work 2 weeks after the company laid off a boatload of "expendable" people and dh has to do the work of 2 people. Bah. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Southern Ivy Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I'm not trying to sound snippy but he unloads all. The. Time. He kind of whines. There have been some times when DH has complained about the same situation for weeks on end. I finally (but nicely) just told him to stop whining if he's not going to do anything about it. Something along the lines of: "Honey, do you realize that you have been complaining about the same thing every day for the last two weeks? No? Well, you have and honestly, I love you, but it's getting old. So, what are you going to do to fix the situation? Can it be fixed or is this something that we just need to stick out?" It's helped a few times. Sometimes, he just needs a reminder that he's dwelling on something that can't be fixed and he's making the situation worse for him. Other times, I'm just there to listen. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Yes. I'm glad he does. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 My partner and I share everything about work. It is great. When he was unemployed I did my best to just remain calm and not try to fix anything. I would just be encouraging. That's what I want from him. Empathy, encouragement. There have been some times when DH has complained about the same situation for weeks on end. I finally (but nicely) just told him to stop whining if he's not going to do anything about it. When you are supporting a stay-at-home parent and a few kids, there are not a lot of risks you can take at work. Everyone is depending on you. It's really hard to "do something" about a work situation because you feel trapped. Trapped because of the person who you're complaining to. What you want to hear is encouragement and empathy, and maybe some coping mechanisms. I mean it must be nice to think that all workers can just up and do something about all their little problems, but stupid office politics, combined with a boomer generation that will. never. retire. and. leave. executive. positions. open. combined with periods of wage freezes and instability make work very stressful in some places. And you come home, it's safe, you can let off the steam. I think that a man who's supporting a whole family should be able to talk about his problems. Now, I don't think it's an excuse to ​take out stress on family members through violence or anger, but talking about it is IMO healthy. I think it's deeply unfair to benefit from the fact that someone's trapped in a stressful job that they can't take risks at, at least to jointly agree the kids should benefit, and then to complain that you have to share part of that stress. Work is not just the problem of the worker. It's the whole family because you're all eating his hard work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 My partner and I share everything about work. It is great. When he was unemployed I did my best to just remain calm and not try to fix anything. I would just be encouraging. That's what I want from him. Empathy, encouragement. When you are supporting a stay-at-home parent and a few kids, there are not a lot of risks you can take at work. Everyone is depending on you. It's really hard to "do something" about a work situation because you feel trapped. Trapped because of the person who you're complaining to. What you want to hear is encouragement and empathy, and maybe some coping mechanisms. I mean it must be nice to think that all workers can just up and do something about all their little problems, but stupid office politics, combined with a boomer generation that will. never. retire. and. leave. executive. positions. open. combined with periods of wage freezes and instability make work very stressful in some places. And you come home, it's safe, you can let off the steam. I think that a man who's supporting a whole family should be able to talk about his problems. Now, I don't think it's an excuse to ​take out stress on family members through violence or anger, but talking about it is IMO healthy. I think it's deeply unfair to benefit from the fact that someone's trapped in a stressful job that they can't take risks at, at least to jointly agree the kids should benefit, and then to complain that you have to share part of that stress. Work is not just the problem of the worker. It's the whole family because you're all eating his hard work. While I agree that the stress should be shared, sometimes the person who had to listen to the venting doesn't get to hear the resolution or doesn't hear that it wasn't as big a deal than it seemed at the time. So, they have to carry that stress longer. I remember one time that dh was venting about someone he works with who was doing stuff that could reflect badly on a lot of people, including dh, and possibly have legal ramifications. I worried about that for days. Finally, I asked dh about it. He said "Oh, it was a misunderstanding that was cleared up the next day." It just didn't make the "highlight reel" that day and he forgot about it. I worried needlessly for 2 days. This is very similar to my college kids, when they call me worried about something. I had to tell them that, when they tell me these things, I need to hear how things turn out so that I can stop worrying. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 My partner and I share everything about work. It is great. When he was unemployed I did my best to just remain calm and not try to fix anything. I would just be encouraging. That's what I want from him. Empathy, encouragement. When you are supporting a stay-at-home parent and a few kids, there are not a lot of risks you can take at work. Everyone is depending on you. It's really hard to "do something" about a work situation because you feel trapped. Trapped because of the person who you're complaining to. What you want to hear is encouragement and empathy, and maybe some coping mechanisms. I mean it must be nice to think that all workers can just up and do something about all their little problems, but stupid office politics, combined with a boomer generation that will. never. retire. and. leave. executive. positions. open. combined with periods of wage freezes and instability make work very stressful in some places. And you come home, it's safe, you can let off the steam. I think that a man who's supporting a whole family should be able to talk about his problems. Now, I don't think it's an excuse to ​take out stress on family members through violence or anger, but talking about it is IMO healthy. I think it's deeply unfair to benefit from the fact that someone's trapped in a stressful job that they can't take risks at, at least to jointly agree the kids should benefit, and then to complain that you have to share part of that stress. Work is not just the problem of the worker. It's the whole family because you're all eating his hard work. Oh please, I am pretty sure we are all aware of the stress of being the only earner in a family. I think we all know the contraints it can put on a person. I don't think anyone here thinks that "workers can just up and do something about their little problems". I don't think anyone here is complaining or being "deeply unfair" to their partner. I think we all know about the challenges faced in the workplace such as wage freezes and instability. I certainly don't think anyone here is 'benefiting' from someone being 'trapped in a stressful job' without knowing exactly the toll that would take on a person. I don't think anyone here needs a shaming for not being a good wife. We know what the stakes are because we live it. Reminding someone to stand up for themselves or reminding them that they don't have to put up with a crummy situation isn't doing any of those things. And FWIW, I am not "eating all his hard work" and I find the notion insulting. My dh will tell you that I earn half his salary by sacrificing my potential earnings to stay at home and raise our kids. I contribute equally to the family's earning power. He would not be where he is in his job right now if I had not been home to take care of things. It is me who makes it possible for him to volunteer for every extra assignment, he doesn't have to worry about staying at work late, he never has to take a sick day to take care of kids. He is literally the only person in his office who doesn't have to arrange work around childcare. He has never had to cancel because the babysitter quit. When they need to send someone overseas he can say yes without having to check schedules, he knows the kids are taken care of. Because of that, his earning potential has gone up and he has been on an accelerated path. My time and commitment helps put that money in the bank. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Southern Ivy Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 My partner and I share everything about work. It is great. When he was unemployed I did my best to just remain calm and not try to fix anything. I would just be encouraging. That's what I want from him. Empathy, encouragement. When you are supporting a stay-at-home parent and a few kids, there are not a lot of risks you can take at work. Everyone is depending on you. It's really hard to "do something" about a work situation because you feel trapped. Trapped because of the person who you're complaining to. What you want to hear is encouragement and empathy, and maybe some coping mechanisms. I mean it must be nice to think that all workers can just up and do something about all their little problems, but stupid office politics, combined with a boomer generation that will. never. retire. and. leave. executive. positions. open. combined with periods of wage freezes and instability make work very stressful in some places. And you come home, it's safe, you can let off the steam. I think that a man who's supporting a whole family should be able to talk about his problems. Now, I don't think it's an excuse to ​take out stress on family members through violence or anger, but talking about it is IMO healthy. I think it's deeply unfair to benefit from the fact that someone's trapped in a stressful job that they can't take risks at, at least to jointly agree the kids should benefit, and then to complain that you have to share part of that stress. Work is not just the problem of the worker. It's the whole family because you're all eating his hard work. Oh, please don't get me wrong. I work outside the home too and he gets my stress/complaints as well. We have very healthy communication and he is always welcome to vent to me. I may glaze over when he's discussing hardware/software/mirroring/data storage, etc, but I always do my best to pay attention. He does the same. We have worked through many a problem at both jobs. I don't have an issue with letting off steam. I don't even have an issue with him having to escape to the river to fly fish when he's had incredibly stressful days/weeks/months. I was only saying that sometimes he stews on something that is either able to be fixed or it's something that he needs to just push aside. In those instances, I do bring it to his attention that it's been a long time (6 weeks in the instance I referenced earlier) and he's still upset about it. It was a situation that could be dealt with - so we discussed what he needed to do. It's never a "would you stop complaining already, I'm tired of hearing your issues" type thing at all. (Which I had hoped to convey by the added conversation below what you originally quoted.) As to the bolded, I hope this wasn't directed at me just because I gently and nicely bring to his attention that he's wallowing in some very specific issues. I don't complain at all about his job and his situations. My marriage is a partnership - that includes all the crap we've had to deal with in jobs, lawsuits, crazy coworkers, inlaws, etc. We have discussions and we equally call each other out (lovingly) when needed. It certainly doesn't mean we're complaining. We're just holding each other accountable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I mean it must be nice to think that all workers can just up and do something about all their little problems, but stupid office politics, combined with a boomer generation that will. never. retire. and. leave. executive. positions. open. combined with periods of wage freezes and instability make work very stressful in some places. Why should they retire before they are ready? Often, it's those "boomer generation executives" who have built up the companies and who are still most capable of running them effectively. I don't understand the resentment. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Why should they retire before they are ready? Often, it's those "boomer generation executives" who have built up the companies and who are still most capable of running them effectively. I don't understand the resentment. Well, I assume she means older boomers, because the end of the boomer generation is 1964, and 51 seems a little young to be put out to pasture. But, dh sees that at work. The people who might have retired in the past couple years took a HUGE hit in their retirement funds when we had the Bush Recession. There is a guy at work who would come in every day and announce how many days his retirement had been pushed back depending on what the stock market did during those years. He is sort of eccentric and it was more amusing than it sounds, I promise. They aren't retiring because they can't retire yet. They haven't earned back what was lost and they are waiting for their houses to regain some value that was lost. DH has made the last big leap he can make until someone retires, unless we move. He doesn't face any mandatory retirement age and there are plenty of late 70 year olds in his workplace. He works in academia and people stay forever. But it does put you in the awkward position of being worried about asking a genuine caring question about someone's health in case they think you are fishing for retirement information. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Well, I assume she means older boomers, because the end of the boomer generation is 1964, and 51 seems a little young to be put out to pasture. But, dh sees that at work. The people who might have retired in the past couple years took a HUGE hit in their retirement funds when we had the Bush Recession. There is a guy at work who would come in every day and announce how many days his retirement had been pushed back depending on what the stock market did during those years. He is sort of eccentric and it was more amusing than it sounds, I promise. They aren't retiring because they can't retire yet. They haven't earned back what was lost and they are waiting for their houses to regain some value that was lost. DH has made the last big leap he can make until someone retires, unless we move. He doesn't face any mandatory retirement age and there are plenty of late 70 year olds in his workplace. He works in academia and people stay forever. But it does put you in the awkward position of being worried about asking a genuine caring question about someone's health in case they think you are fishing for retirement information. :iagree: Just because they are older doesn't mean they can afford to retire. And even if they can afford it, why should they retire if they want to keep working? They have worked hard for many, many years -- and had to wait for their predecessors to retire -- to get where they are. They shouldn't have to quit just so younger people can have their jobs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Why should they retire before they are ready? Often, it's those "boomer generation executives" who have built up the companies and who are still most capable of running them effectively. I don't understand the resentment. I don't resent the individuals, I'm just saying that work environments can be stressful and the idea that you can just change it is unrealistic. I don't think anyone should have to retire early. I'll work until I'm dead. My own mom can't retire, for reasons red squirrel pointed out. She's 60 and she's going to NEED to work another 10 years at least because her retirement funds took a hit. That's stressful. The younger people in her workplace are just as bad off. They have no hope to climb a ladder. Reminding someone to stand up for themselves or reminding them that they don't have to put up with a crummy situation isn't doing any of those things. I disagree--it might be. It might not be. You never know. You just hear the complaints, not the full situation. Maybe I'm just a person who doesn't mind hearing about problems or talking bout them, so to me, if you want the other person to stop, you must not understand the stress they are going through. I guess I was wrong--is it that you get the stress but just don't want to hear it? I feel listening is not a big deal and venting is normal. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I disagree--it might be. It might not be. You never know. You just hear the complaints, not the full situation. Maybe I'm just a person who doesn't mind hearing about problems or talking bout them, so to me, if you want the other person to stop, you must not understand the stress they are going through. I guess I was wrong--is it that you get the stress but just don't want to hear it? I feel listening is not a big deal and venting is normal. I guess you will just have to trust us to know our partners and our situations better than you do, right? And no one is saying that listening to someone vent is a big deal. Your previous post went well beyond that and took a turn into shaming people for not being good partners. We aren't supportive enough, you felt the need to explain to us that our partners might feel under pressure at his job, we don't understand being powerless in the workplace because we...what? You think we haven't worked in an office? You told us we don't understand the risks and challenges of supporting a family. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I try to balance his need to vent and my need to not be bored or worried. We both try to limit work stories to need to know things (pay, bonuses, schedule changes, reorganizations), funny things or quick vents. I had a toxic work situation, and I mean TOXIC, for 2 years that really dragged on him and me and while everyone needs an outlet to vent, sometimes the negativity just feeds the cycle and makes it that much worse. In the end, when he stopped listening to the venting as much and asked me to please quit, that was more helpful. Sometimes you need to vent. Sometimes you need to find solutions. There's a point at which venting moves into unhelpful for all territory. I will say though that my husband works in a pharmacy. There's not too many funny pharmacy stories that seem funny to people who don't work in a pharmacy. I want to be supportive but there's a point at which I just need to change the subject to something, um, lively. ETA: I have suffered from clinical level anxiety so he's pretty good about communicating when there's really nothing to worry about, because he doesn't want me to be stressed out. You have been though two bursts of unemployment, your anxiety level is high. I wouldn't ask him to stop talking about it, but I would ask him to be mindful of your stress level as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 so to me, if you want the other person to stop, you must not understand the stress they are going through. I guess I was wrong--is it that you get the stress but just don't want to hear it? I feel listening is not a big deal and venting is normal. In my situation, my husband knew what I was going through but the volume of venting and stress from my job was costing us both just too much. Venting for a few minutes and then going for a family walk, or taking a bath or hitting the sheets together is more productive than venting for long periods of time. Yes, venting is normal. Letting it eat up your evening though, while perhaps common, is not so normal nor is it healthy. It's important that both partners listen to each other. Needing to contain the negative thoughts about work and work worries so as to not sign over your whole night to them though is also very important. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 My husband started his own business as a software contractor/consultant 3 years ago. That means he walked away from a relatively high paying salary at a dysfunctional company and spent time looking for clients, starting the business, etc. We didn't expect things would be rosy right away and we expect bumps along the road. That's part of owning a business. We've been in debt and we've had cash flow problems. We're on the verge of being out of debt in a few months if things go as planned. We thought it would be January, but life happened. We're getting closer and I've learned to be content with progress. Ebbs and flows and what not. It's been worth it but very challenging. I could live happily down scaling our lifestyle by a lot by choice, so having to do it because of circumstances wouldn't bother me much. A minimalist lifestyle resonates deeply with me, not him. I would love to live on a self sustaining piece of property and garden and raise my own food like centenarians all over the world do. He loves his work and wants to continue doing it until the day he dies, so we're not people who live for retirement. We're shifting our lifestyle to more mimic the longevity of "blue zones." (You can look that up at amazon or in a web search to see more details.) His skill set is fantastic but finding work can be a challenge. Sometimes he's between jobs, sometimes customers don't pay on time, etc. I never really fret much about it because he can get a job anywhere writing any kind of software. The pay as a software engineer would be lower because companies have to compete internationally against lower cost of living countries that American companies outsource to like Mexico and India. I don't resent it, I have a grasp of economics so I get why that happens. My husband's 30 years had him highly paid at a company but the industry took a hit and now many companies hire new guys for relatively cheap who can cover the basics if they can manage with less experienced software guys. He really needed to go into contracting/consulting because he's an expert in a dozen different computer languages because he bothered to keep up by learning most of them and he's so very good at what he does. That commands a higher rate but that means he has to take work the in house software guys can't do at each company which is usually very challenging or it's a crisis. The tax rates are brutal at the federal level and very hard on small business owners. He did the bid the job thing for a while and now he charges by the hour with the same client he's had for a year and a half now. They love him. Their company has mediocre people in important positions, so it could go badly for my husband if the company makes bad decisions about products and such. That's life though, isn't it? I'm a very independent person and I'm not prone to fretting-I was more comfortable with taking the risk than he was. I told him to quit his job whenever he wanted to because I could see the change in the industry and I'm all for adapting to how things are, not how you think they should be. I'm never upset by someone venting. I think it's an important part of family and friendship. He works from home most of the time so I'm the only person in person he's interacting with most of the time. He has another friend, Austyn, who works at the company he left and they get together every week for beers and to talk shop. If Austyn dies before I do I'll weep bitter tears of loss and lay roses at his grave for being the person who listened to all the technical jargon that I don't understand. General people and business stuff I can handle, detailed programming stuff is a lot of smiling and nodding on my side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lailasmum Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 My husband tends to share the day to day annoyances (like a colleague left his work area untidy or put something away in the wrong place or was late or just wound him up) which I would rather not hear in a way as they're pretty dull and repetitive, but he tends to forget to share the more important stuff. He generally tends to avoid dealing with important things, and he hates conflict and often wont stand up for himself, so it doesn't surprise me that it works this way. I tend to always think he hates his job because he complains so much about the small things and the people he works with that I've suggested several times he looks for something else only to be informed he really likes his job. I do occasionally wonder how stable to company he works for is because others in the field are closing down so regularly and I'm not sure he'd think to tell me any signs of problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 OP, you've been through some real periods of stress. It won't always feel scary listening to him talk about problems at work. You just need a relatively calm length of time before you won't feel so rattled. Hang in there! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.