Why not free range parenting?

[displace]

The other thread got me curious about free range parenting. I'm interested in the concepts and wonder why you don't free range parent.

 

Is it your child's personality, laws in your area, recommendations from professionals, unsafe area, experience with negative things, how you were raised? Or perhaps you allow more free range depending on ages but maybe older ages than others.

 

I'm not looking to say which method is better but just seeing reasons other parents have for not doing it or delaying compared to peers. The topics before make me think a lot of parents do free range parent and I'm looking to see opinions of those who don't or who delay.

[Ottakee]

We free range as much as possible.  A few restrictions we have:

 

We live on a very busy paved road which is a truck route through our township

 

3 of our 4 have special needs, 2 of which are moderately mentally impaired

 

Foster care rules for our foster son---can't be home alone until age 12, may go to park with my other kids

 

We are rural so no opportunities for public transit or really walking to most places. We have a school 2 doors down and a park 1/4 mile away across the street but the nearest mini mart (or anything) is almost 3 miles away on busy roads with no side walks or bike paths or even wider shoulders to walk/bike on.

[AimeeM]

My own personality. It just isn't something I'm comfortable with and I tend not to parent in a way that I'm not comfortable with.

 

FWIW, my area IS an area where children do play outdoors without direct supervision, generally as young as 6 in the yards, 8 or 9 in the neighborhood in general (riding bikes, etc). I have no problem with this, and my eldest has been allowed to "free range" in the subdivision singe age 9 or so, but I would NOT be comfortable with it if it weren't for that our subdivision is very close knit (everybody knows everybody and watches out for everybody). 

[SKL]

My number one reason for not letting my kids do certain things in the past couple years has been fear of being officially accused of child neglect.

 

I did let my kids walk to the park (1 mile) when they were both 6yo.  One time.  (I met them there after they had some time to play.)  It was a great parenting decision as far as my kids and I were concerned.  I took a tremendous amount of heat for it and declined to do it again (though I will do it now that they are both 8yo).

 

I also had the cops called on me when I left my 2nd grade daughters in the car for 2.5 minutes at sunset (to drop off a prepared FedEx envelope).  This had the effect of making my kids afraid to be left in the car.  They still are afraid.  Of the cops.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm not comfortable and I wonder if my kids would feel unloved and untaken care of.  I say that because I myself sometimes felt that way with my own parents.  They often didn't seem to pay much attention to what I was doing.  And I would say they were not on the extreme end of free range.

 

 

[SKL]

I should add that another reason my kids can't do the things I did at their age is that our neighborhood is designed so differently.  The nearest corner store is well over a mile away.  Their school is 5 miles away.

 

Also, there are minimum ages for them to be allowed at the library or rec center without an adult.  There is some flexibility, but it's not like I can just drop them off randomly and pick them up whenever.

[Arcadia]

I was raised free range in an urban city. Gangs do not disturb residents, family run shops look out for neighborhood kids. Almost all kids are street smart and you can see young kids on public busses.

Where we stay now which is high dense suburban, few walk the streets. No shops line the streets. Lots of targeted vandalism at cars and homes. You don't see kids walking without parents/relatives/caregivers. My kids aren't as free range as I was.

There are school buses for less than 1 mile radius. People drive to the nearest public school even if it's 500 feet from their home.

 

The city where my kids attend classes, public school kids walk or cycle home without parents. They are in informal groups.

[fairfarmhand]

We live rurally. My kids are pretty independent on our property. They know the hazards and have shown common sense in the way that they act out here. (i.e. they know the dangers of cattle, bulls, horses, snakes, etc.) 

 

I don't allow them on our road because it is very curvy and people drive way too fast.

 

We don't live in a pedestrian friendly area, so their ability to free range is limited by that.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I was raised free range in an urban city. Gangs do not disturb residents, family run shops look out for neoghvorhood kids. Almost all kids are street smart and you can see young kids on public busses.

Where we stay now which is high dense suburban, few walk the streets. No shops line the streets. Lots of targeted vandalism at cars and homes. You don't see kids walking without parents/relatives/caregivers. My kids aren't as free range as I was.

There are school buses for less than 1 mile radius. People drive to the nearest public school even if it's 500 feet from their home.

 

The city where my kids attend classes, public school kids walk or cycle home without parents. They are in informal groups.

 

Sounds like where I live.

 

Shootings happen too regularly, but it's rare that it's random.  But they happen in places like right outside of a school (last week in fact).  I did not grow up in such an unsafe place. 

[Mergath]

We didn't where we lived before because it wasn't safe.  Our door was three feet away from an alley exited into by a gas station parking lot, and cars regularly came flying past at fifty miles an hour.  There were multiple level three sex offenders within a matter of blocks, and people walking down the alley regularly who were not safe to be around.

 

We moved just over a month ago, and now we live on the edge of a tiny rural town.  There's almost no traffic and there are kids and adults outside constantly, so dd is allowed to play outside unsupervised.  She can go to her friend's house and ride her scooter down to the end of the road and back, which is probably a couple blocks.  I don't know how free range you have to be in order to be considered a free range parent, but we're definitely moving toward that side of the parenting spectrum.

[fairfarmhand]

We live rurally. My kids are pretty independent on our property. They know the hazards and have shown common sense in the way that they act out here. (i.e. they know the dangers of cattle, bulls, horses, snakes, etc.) 

 

I don't allow them on our road because it is very curvy and people drive way too fast.

 

We don't live in a pedestrian friendly area, so their ability to free range is limited by that.

 

ETA:

I am not worried about leaving my 17 and 13 yo alone in stores. However, my 10 yo needs a sibling with her. My 7 yo doesn't leave my side in public. He's just so rambunctious, friendly,  has never met a stranger and would be glad to walk off with a predator.

[SKL]

Other kids nearby have even less freedom than my kids, which means there are no groups for them to hang with if they do go out.  When they are the only kids on the road, they attract more attention than they should.  So that is part of it too.

 

My kids tell me they are the only kids on their school bus whose parents don't walk/drive them to/from the bus stop.  My kids are on the younger side of kids on the bus.  (Most of their classmates are dropped off at school by their parents, some of whom walk them all the way to the classroom.)  My petite oldest (then 7yo) had to argue with the bus driver to be allowed to walk home with her sister.  Thankfully the rule here is that only KG kids are required to be met by an adult, so that was not an ongoing issue.

[marbel]

When my kids were little, we lived in an area that was not workable for free-range kids:  the road was too busy, windy, and narrow, and there was no place to walk or bike to anyway.  Later, we moved to an area where more free-ranging is possible, but their habits were set and they are hesitant about going off on their own too much.  Also, while there are places close enough that they could ride their bikes, most of the roads outside our immediate neighborhood are not really good for that - windy, narrow shoulders, speeding drivers, etc.   So even the library, which is a mere 4 miles away, is unsafe for them to ride to. 

 

I grew up pretty free-range but that was in the 1960s and early 1970s.  I remember riding my bike alone to the library and a shopping center, but the roads were wide, flat, and mostly not very busy.   I regret that my kids don't have the same opportunities.

 

ETA: Mergath, just wanted to say that I'm glad to hear you moved into a better place!

[Mom22ns]

We live rurally. My kids are pretty independent on our property. They know the hazards and have shown common sense in the way that they act out here. (i.e. they know the dangers of cattle, bulls, horses, snakes, etc.) 

 

I don't allow them on our road because it is very curvy and people drive way too fast.

 

We don't live in a pedestrian friendly area, so their ability to free range is limited by that.

 

For me it starts with this. It is 5+ miles to the nearest public building and 8+ miles to the nearest park. There are no sidewalks on the roads in between, rather they are small narrow, curvy, hilly roads and people drive very fast on them. 

 

My kids have had the run of our property and even a few neighbor's property and what used to be a several hundred acre farm next door. They weren't very interested in it in general though and didn't adventure out anything like as much as I did when I was a kid.

 

From there, my oldest is autistic spectrum. I didn't trust his judgement or his ability to handle even the simplest social situations when he was young. I didn't send him into stores in my place until he had a driver's license. My dd is very capable of doing things independently, but she has always been extremely shy. When you combine these two personalities with the realities of where we live, free-range has little meaning and doesn't make much sense.

 

I threw my back out Monday and my dd drove to the dentist, the pharmacy, picked up pizza and returned some library books for me. They free-range now, they just didn't when they were little. They seem to have survived our location and my protectiveness.

 

I was raised in a rural location also and I was a teen before I was allowed to bike to town. Like my own kids, I did have freedom to roam on our property and some neighbors and I did a lot more of that than my kids ever did. However, I still feel like free range is not a part of my experience as a parent or a child.

[Amira]

We're as free range as possible depending on where we live.  Sometimes that can mean the boys don't leave the neighborhood on their own, sometimes that means they're taking public transportation all over the city without an adult.  There are so many variables that play into this and we're not as free range here as we have been in other places.  It is very rare that they can't go out in our neighborhood/subdivision/coto/apartment block on their own though.

[Wheres Toto]

Part of it's my personality, I'm a worrier.  But I am nothing compared to what my mother was like.  EXTREME worrier.  I try to not be that bad.

 

Part of it is where we live - we are in a smallish enclosed neighborhood.  They can walk around our neighborhood some but we live on a river that can get very deep  and move very fast when it's rained recently.  We also have a public golf course at the end of our street.  We also have bears, coyotes and foxes.  

 

We've also had a bunch of police reports of attempted abductions in all  the towns around me in the past few months.  Can't say yet if it may be the same people/person or not.

 

Part of it is my kids.  My son in particular has very poor impulse control and is one of those kids who is just oblivious to what is going on around him when he gets wrapped up in something.

 

We have occasionally let them go down to the river on our property or down to the golf course.  Just walk down and walk back, and we can see them almost the entire time.  At least until the trees get leaves on them again.  We let them walk a couple houses away to visit a friend but I will only let them play outside because this is an 8 year old that is allowed to play games we don't allow.  We are not at all conservative but I'm talking about games like Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty. 

[Wheres Toto]

ETA:

I am not worried about leaving my 17 and 13 yo alone in stores. However, my 10 yo needs a sibling with her. My 7 yo doesn't leave my side in public. He's just so rambunctious, friendly,  has never met a stranger and would be glad to walk off with a predator.

 

This describes my son.  I did go through the "what do you do...." scenarios just last week since we've had the abduction attempts locally and he had all the "right" answers.  I'm just not convinced that the right line wouldn't get him walking off with someone.

[Hwin]

My son is not mature. He can play out in the yard unsupervised and I trust him to watch the little ones. I just have to draw a line on the driveway and he will make sure no one puts a toe over it.

 

To actually walk through the neighborhood alone? I sent him into the store to get milk and when it took too long, went in and discovered he was in the middle of the store, just looking around blankly. Right next to the milk. So we're just not there yet. 

 

I can send him into the library, though, so that will probably be his first solo trip :) And I'll probably send him with a cell phone and call ahead to the library.

 

I'm not that free range, in case you can't tell.

[MrsWeasley]

My eldest lacks the maturity. She just got banned last night from playing in the front yard after I caught her throwing dirt at cars as they drove by our house. I would love to free range parent, but until she starts making better decisions, she needs closer supervision. 

[BigMamaBird]

My kids are still pretty young and our neighborhood is surrounded by a river so, though I've read them the riot act about staying away from water, I am concerned about the very real risk of drowning.  We have very clear boundaries about where they are allowed to go and I want to know where they are.  Also, the main road near us isn't particularly busy, but there's a trucking company there and I know it's unfair, but the stereotypical trucker creeps me out and I don't want the kids walking down the street past the lot where they all park.  I know there are very kind men who are truckers, but there are also some really seedy folks and I don't want my kids to have to deal with them.  

 

So those are the two big reasons that I'm not free range.  I think FR is a perfectly fine and valid parenting style and I have no problems with people whose children are well behaved raising them that way.  But the well behaved bit is my caveat.  I don't like to see gangs of miscreant youths running around unsupervised, causing a ruckus.  

[Mergath]

 

ETA: Mergath, just wanted to say that I'm glad to hear you moved into a better place!

 

Thanks!  We're so much happier here.  Now my biggest problem is dragging dd inside long enough to get a little school done. :P

[Guest]

I'm always debating this in my head, but in the end I just don't think my kids are discerning enough to deal with strangers. One is too friendly, and one is too nervous. Even if I wanted to send them out, though, our town is FULL of bored busybodies. I'd rather not be the large family, homeschooler, free ranger, thanks.

[Tsuga]

I want to say that I thought free range means parenting a child by their responsibility and not just thinking they can all doing it.

 

To my mind if you're willing to let your kid go into a store and buy something and he fails, that's free range and a success. Because he tried, you let him, and you both learned.

[Firefly]

This is hard to answer, now that mine are teens.  We are extremely free range now.  I guess looking back it wasn't an either/or situation; we were just progressively more free range with each passing year.

[AngelaNYC]

I'd say we're not free-range around here until the kids are about 13-14.  Then they're wandering all over the place in Queens and Manhattan with their friends.  Some are ok with younger kids being free-range (like my neighbor, who let her 9 year-old walk to school alone everyday).  Back in the 70s and 80s we were all free-range from as young as 6 years old.  I just do not feel comfortable with that today.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I want to say that I thought free range means parenting a child by their responsibility and not just thinking they can all doing it.

 

To my mind if you're willing to let your kid go into a store and buy something and he fails, that's free range and a success. Because he tried, you let him, and you both learned.

 

Although with this example, it has been one of those things where a time came that my son asked if he could do this by himself.  I did not push him to do it.  I didn't dump him off and leave him to his own devices figuring he'll figure it out.  Since he was motivated to do it, he was successful.  I don't consider this rocket science.  KWIM?  I probably went into a store by myself much sooner, but it was based on the reality of my situation which is not the same situation for him.  I walked to school daily starting at age 6 by myself most of the time.  There was a small store on the way that sold candy.  I went in and bought candy sometimes.  My son was not walking anywhere by himself at 6.  He was never alone near a store.  It just didn't come up. 

 

I do think kids often know when they are ready for something or when they want to try something out.  Obviously not always.  My son also very badly wanted a motorcycle when he was 4.  LOL  I think it was pretty obvious to me that motorcycles aren't appropriate for 4 year olds. 

 

I'm mostly rambling.  I used to kind of feel guilty that I could never be all that relaxed and just let my kids figure stuff out and let them roam around.  I don't feel guilty anymore because it has not stunted them in any way.  There has always come the time where they did new things when they were ready without me creating the situation for them or without me just tossing them out on their own hoping they'd figure it out.  They figure stuff out on their own time line.  I was given a lot of independence growing up, but when I hit 18 I was not magically ready to go out in the world and do everything on my own.  Yet my sister was and actually left home when she was 17.  We figured stuff out on our own time line despite being given a lot of free reign.  So I don't think it matters so much if we are assuming we will stunt our children if we aren't super free reign. 

[kentuckymom]

My daughter isn't at all free range because, well, she's 4. The closest to unsupervised she gets is playing in the fenced in backyard while I do housework inside. She also occasionally plays in the front yard with her 10 year old brother supervising, though only for short periods. The 10 year old is not as responsible as the average 10 year old. My son has good friends just a few houses up the street on the other side of the road, and I started letting him go up there alone when he was about 7 years old. For the first few months I watched him the whole way up. When he was 7 1/2 I started letting him play near the creek that runs through our neighborhood (just across the street from us) out of my line of sight. I prefer that he play there with friends, but I'm okay with him doing it alone on occasion since the creek is fairly shallow even after a storm. I know that drowning is possible even in shallow water, but it's not likely, so I push aside that worry. I still don't let him walk to or from school (just under a mile away) by himself, even though most of the walkers in 4th and 5th grade and even some of the younger kids walk home alone. I've never let him go to the park next to his school alone, but we started seeing his classmates there alone in 2nd grade.

 

My reasons are partly concern about potential dangers. Yes, my son knows how to cross a street carefully, but there are still crazy drivers who come out of nowhere. A 6th grade girl in our neighborhood was struck and killed in a crosswalk last spring on her walk home from the bus stop. The walk was 4 blocks and did not involve crossing any major streets. Also, my son knows not to go with strangers, but there's still a small part of me that worries that someone might just decide to forcefully take a random kid walking down a street alone (somehow the chances that a potential abductor would find him playing at the creek seem less). I also just want to spend time with my kids. Why send them to the park alone when I can go play with them at the park? Why let them play in the neighborhood by themselves when we can play together? That's my view. Oh, and I also don't know exactly what the laws are locally in terms of unsupervised kids and don't want anyone to call the police on me.

 

FTR, my childhood was fairly free range when it came to playing in my neighborhood, a mid sized subdivision in small town. Most of the kids in our neighborhood rode our bikes all around the subdivision. My brothers and I were even allowed to ride our bikes through our subdivision, through the woods to a neighboring subdivision, and through that subdivision to a small grocery store on a busy road. We played flashlight tag at night throughout the whole neighborhood. I would never let my kids do that. I do sometimes wish my kids could have some more of the freedoms I had, but I don't feel like I cage them up.

[Aiden]

I would love to be free range, but my daughter is too anxious. We live in a great neighborhood right now where the other kids, many younger than her, safely roam the neighborhood at will. If I try to convince my daughter to go out into our postcard-sized backyard without me, or to the playground just beyond it, she cries that she doesn't want to go without me. She does this even if I would be sitting just inside the patio door with an unobstructed line of sight to her. It's a rare day when I can even leave her to play in a room by herself other than her own room during her after-lunch rest time; any other time or room, she cries that she wants to be with me. We're encouraging more independence but trying not to push too hard.

[Garga]

1.  Fear.  My mind jumps to all the problems that could happen.

2.  My oldest son looks a good 2 years younger than he is.  I think it makes him an easier target for predators. 

 

It's only been in the past 4 months that I've sent my 12 yo into the store alone for a gallon of milk while I wait in the car.  And just a week ago that I let him walk down our street and back to return something to a neighbor.

 

He was probably fine being alone earlier, but I would be overwhelmed with a sense of dread if I let him do things alone before now.  It's only been in the past couple of months that I'm finally ready to let go and don't feel terrified the entire time he's gone.  

 

He's been loving it.  I know I should have released him earlier, but he's very short compared to other kids his age.  He looks 2 years younger than he is.  He's 12, but looks like he's 10.  As I said earlier, I think that makes him more of a target.

[Closeacademy]

Reasons I don't free-range parent:

 

I used to work for a defense attorney and I know what goes on.

There are a lot of people who walk up and down my street and I am naturally suspicious.

Nothing but houses w/o sidewalks and fast moving cars in my neighborhood.

I worry about kidnappings.

No kids to play with in our neighborhood as it's mostly retired people.

I want my kids to be safe and feel loved.

 

I did free range as a kid and there were lots of opportunities for me to go bad.  I didn't but it was there.  I often felt alone and unloved as well because I felt like no one was looking out for me because my mom had to work all the time.  I did not want that sort of lifestyle for my kids.

[KrissiK]

I would like to be more free range, but I like to say "my parenting was ruined by the foster care system". We adopted all our children from foster care and and they expect you to be a helicopter parent, be prepared to account for every single cut and bruise on a child, etc. etc.I got chastised by a social worker once because my children's beds weren't made and they were running around outside barefoot on a lovely spring day. "They need to be wearing shoes". I was called by a social worker because I hadn't gotten a child's CDHP physical "on time". It was a few weeks late. My formative years as a parent were trained this way, with the fear of social workers looking over my shoulders who have the power of removing these beautiful children if they perceived I wasn't following the letter of the law. So, I'm working at getting over this - my 11 year old boy is now riding his bike through our small town a few blocks to get his hair cut.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I would like to be more free range, but I like to say "my parenting was ruined by the foster care system". We adopted all our children from foster care and and they expect you to be a helicopter parent, be prepared to account for every single cut and bruise on a child, etc. etc.I got chastised by a social worker once because my children's beds weren't made and they were running around outside barefoot on a lovely spring day. "They need to be wearing shoes". I was called by a social worker because I hadn't gotten a child's CDHP physical "on time". It was a few weeks late. My formative years as a parent were trained this way, with the fear of social workers looking over my shoulders who have the power of removing these beautiful children if they perceived I wasn't following the letter of the law. So, I'm working at getting over this - my 11 year old boy is now riding his bike through our small town a few blocks to get his hair cut.

 

That does not sound like fun!

[HeWillSoar]

It's not my kids I don't trust--it's everyone else.    I was a free range kid and my experience has led me to do the opposite.  Way too many wackos out there.

[lllll]

..

[displace]

It sounds like just a lot of different scenarios that allow or not some free range parenting choices. It's interesting to me what a variety there is.

[kroe1]

I was free range myself growing up. Some of the things that happened to me over the years, I would never want happen to my own children. Finally, I harbor at least some resentment that my parents did not protect me from many things. Bottom line, children are vulnerable and have more predators than adults. They also may have harder times seeking shelter such as when caught out in a storm or cold. Lastly, children are more likely to be afraid when alone in new situations than adults.

 

But, I think the main question for me is the benefits of free range worth the risks. In other words, is my kiddo more likely to be a better adult based on his free range experiences. The free rangers and the helicoptered in my own extended family have all turned out fine as adults without much difference, in my opinion. The free rangers had a little harder time as young adults, I.e. teenage parents, delayed college, but I have no idea if my family is statistically typical. Nonetheless, it all works out in the end. Therefore, in my own mind, risks outweigh benefits.

[foxbridgeacademy]

My biggest concern is their safety, there are a lot of things my kids would like to do that there's just no way I'm going to allow.  I'm actually not sure where i fall on the free range scale, fairly conservative I think..... I let them play outside alone at around 6-7 ish but only if I'm in the kitchen (like 90% of the day sometimes) and I can have the window open.  I let them at 10/12 walk to the store but only together (if the house on the corner wasn't there I could see the store).  I dropped DD off at the library for an hour on Monday (I was freaked out the whole time). DD wants to walk around our tiny town but since DS won't go there's no way I'm letting her, if he were willing I'd probably let them.  If we move to a city with a bus system I would probably let her travel alone around 14-16 (same for DS but he would rather I drive him, he has no need for "independence")  I grew up in the "country" so rural free range is okay with me.  They've been running free at my mom's or my sister's houses/woods for years.  This is pretty much how I was raised in the 80's.  No fear of nature but a serious fear of "people".  I think it mostly started when a boy in our tiny (500 people) town was kidnapped by a stranger.  

As for the family in the news, I would never let my kids (especially when they look much younger then they are) play at the park alone much less walk home alone at 10 and 6.  But, I also would not consider it my place to tell them how to raise their children and I would never call the cops on them.

 

ETA- i would let them play at small town park at around 10/12 if I dropped them off and came back (with in an hour) and they had a cell phone.  I have very responsible and well behaved kids.  For me things start to change around 12-14, or for some kids 16.  IMO, I'm not raising children, I'm raising future adults but I have to balance teaching independence with actually getting them to adulthood safely, I'll always come down on the side on safety.

[Pen]

I am in an it depends category.  

 

The older my child is the more autonomy I give. But I was also more inclined to give more when there was a best friend to do things with since 2 children are safer than one.

 

We are in country and have different dangers than in city or suburbs.

 

From humans: Drunk hunters with bow and arrows and rifles capable of shooting long distances, fast log trucks and other vehicles on narrow windy roads.

 

From nature: at certain times of the year hungry mama bears. There are cougars year round, but of less concern since they are fearful of people usually, and proper behavior around cougars was teachable.  If you get between an upset mama bear and her cubs it is a bigger problem, so when there is bear scat or bear prints and not yet ripe fruit to be eaten it is best to stay clear.  Before able to swim, drowning in creeks was also a concern.

 

So, rules change with age, capabilities of child, and circumstances, and even the time of the year and what is happening with the wildlife.

 

ETA: Most of the time now my ds has a range of about 2 miles (which might seem very free range to some, but which my son feels extremely limited by since he has been through it all so much it offers little novelty and excitement), but it was worked up to gradually.  Farther than around 2 miles, in one direction requires being on a highway where I think traffic is too dangerous, or in the other, going to areas where there is too much broken road glass for our dog (who usually goes along) to have foot safety. At one year older than my son is now, a friend of his was allowed to bike about 4 or 5 miles along the highway that I am concerned about. I am not sure how I will handle that in a year. The friend had a specific place to go there though, which my son does not.

 

We are lucky to have an area of relative safety--the high school drives its cross country students to our neighborhood to run because it is relatively more safe (traffic) than many other options.  In turn the frequent presence of the track team can mean that traffic is a bit more careful right here.

 

I still have a saved voice message from my son saying he had arrived safely at his friend's house "across the street" (but about a block walk/bike distance by city standards) one of the first times he did that by himself at age around 6.  Prior to that a parent would help watch for traffic at the crossing and walk one or the other child at least to the base of the other one's driveway.  Each little bit was worked to from that point:  permission to go as far as ____'s house and back, permission to go as far as ______ street and back, permission to go as far as the old growth trees and back...   So, I think from that POV I am not a free range parent.

[mom2scouts]

I try to give my children some freedom, but I live near a high school and in a university community.  I'm less worried about abduction than about traffic.  Teens and young adults don't seem to even think about the possibility of a child being in the street.  We have a park within walking distance too, but I don't let my children go there alone.  It is isolated at the end of a street with woods on one side and I hear of teens going there during their lunch break for less than wholesome purposes. 

 

We used to have an old man as a neighbor on the next block.  He would stop and stare when I was outside with my kids.  Normally, I would just think he was enjoying watching kids, but I have good people intuition and he creeped me out.  I later found him on the sex offender's list and his victim was a young woman.  Now that he's gone, I do let my children go by themselves to that street to play with friends.

[MinivanMom]

I think you have to define free-range, because there are a range of parenting styles that can fall under that umbrella.

 

I had the sort of free-range childhood that veered strongly into neglect. I felt unloved. At the same time, I saw friends whose parents hovered over them in their teens, and they all struggled mightily with the transition to an independent adulthood. As a parent, I'm trying to hit the middle. I want my kids to have the love, support, and supervision that research has shown to be strongly associated with positive outcomes in teens, but I also want them to have independence and opportunities to figure things out on their own and fail occasionally. So I guess you could say that I believe very strongly in giving my kids age-appropriate independence.

 

I don't hover over them as babies or toddlers, but I do supervise them closely.

I don't leave them unsupervised under 8 (state law here), but I do let them play unsupervised in our fenced backyard or in another part of the house.

I try to not to do anything for them that they could do for themselves, especially in public where there are opportunities to make decisions and interact with people.

Once they are over 8 I let them play and ride bikes around our neighborhood or up the street at the park, but I always know where they are and they have to check in occasionally.

I start leaving them home alone at 10.

I let my oldest start babysitting the younger kids when she was 11.

 

We are just entering the teen years here, but I imagine the opportunities for independence will only increase. I am just trying very hard to continue to be connected and caring, so that independence is read as love and confidence rather than as disinterest or neglect.

[SKL]

I have to say that I was pretty free-range as a kid, and it didn't make me feel unloved.  So I don't worry about my kids feeling that way due to being allowed (or expected) to do more than their friends are allowed.

[Tsuga]

Although with this example, it has been one of those things where a time came that my son asked if he could do this by himself. I did not push him to do it. I didn't dump him off and leave him to his own devices figuring he'll figure it out. Since he was motivated to do it, he was successful. I don't consider this rocket science. KWIM? I probably went into a store by myself much sooner, but it was based on the reality of my situation which is not the same situation for him. I walked to school daily starting at age 6 by myself most of the time. There was a small store on the way that sold candy. I went in and bought candy sometimes. My son was not walking anywhere by himself at 6. He was never alone near a store. It just didn't come up.

 

I do think kids often know when they are ready for something or when they want to try something out. Obviously not always. My son also very badly wanted a motorcycle when he was 4. LOL I think it was pretty obvious to me that motorcycles aren't appropriate for 4 year olds.

 

I'm mostly rambling. I used to kind of feel guilty that I could never be all that relaxed and just let my kids figure stuff out and let them roam around. I don't feel guilty anymore because it has not stunted them in any way. There has always come the time where they did new things when they were ready without me creating the situation for them or without me just tossing them out on their own hoping they'd figure it out. They figure stuff out on their own time line. I was given a lot of independence growing up, but when I hit 18 I was not magically ready to go out in the world and do everything on my own. Yet my sister was and actually left home when she was 17. We figured stuff out on our own time line despite being given a lot of free reign. So I don't think it matters so much if we are assuming we will stunt our children if we aren't super free reign.

On my phone so sorry for quoting the whole thing.

 

Free range is NOT about dumping tour kid off before they are ready. It's about letting them explore when they're ready. Lenore Skenazy's son wanted to explore the subways when she dropped him off. She didn't push him. I am not her #1 fan--like many bloggers she sometimes seems hysterical to me--but overall I think what free-range parenting advocated is letting kids explore and lead.

 

Right now so much of middle-class parenting (and upper class) is about protecting and leading. It's more a reaction to that, than a reaction to, for example, attachment parenting or something.

[IdahoHomeschooler]

I'm trying to be more relaxed in my parenting, but I fully admit to being a helicopter parent. I think it is due partly to my own experiences, and partly due to how sick my daughter was her first few years. I *know* what kids can get up to when they aren't closely supervised, because I was one of those kids. In fact, I'm less fearful of "stranger danger" scenarios than I am of what can happen amongst her peers. I know that I can't protect her forever, but I feel less anxious for her every year she gets older and more mature. I want to help preserve her childhood as long as possible, because I pretty much lost mine from ages 8-10. What occurred during those years has had a lasting impact on the rest of my life, and has affected every relationship I have had.

 

I am certainly not anti free range, and I fully respect a parents right to evaluate for themselves the inherent risks and benefits of allowing more freedom for their children. Unless they are passed out drunk or drugged, I'm loathe to label a parent as "neglectful" for choosing to parent in a way that im not personally comfortable doing. I get extremely angry over families that are put through the wringer with police and cps because someone, somewhere has decided that allowing children to walk to a park by themselves is negligent. That is just bullshit. Maybe once those social agencies have tackled all of the true cases of neglect and abuse that they willfully overlook, then they can start tackling the parents that are able and willing to feed, clothe, bathe, and provide medical care to their children.

[Guest]

I don't even Free Range my chickens that much. There are predators.

[Loowit]

A lot of it is seeing what happens to those that didn't "turn out okay".  I probably saw a skewed view though because my parents were on a volunteer aid crew and saw a lot of children hurt or killed.  I also think some of it is a negative reaction that I have to parents being so proud of themselves that little 2 year old Johnny went to the park by himself, seven blocks from home and did great.  Yes, an exaggeration.  It the extreme examples that turn me off of wanting to be labeled as free range.

 

I allow my children a lot of freedom, but I also keep a safety net to keep them from serious harm.  I feel like it is my job to weight the risk vs benefit and make the right choice for my child.  I am pretty middle of the road, but I feel judged that I am not free range enough or way too free range from others.  I am sure there are times that I haven't allowed them to do things I maybe should have, and other times I thought they were ready and they weren't, but like all parents I do my best.  Both my mom and MIL freaked out when they found out I let my boys change for swimming in the boys locker room.  They thought it was unsafe and I should use the family locker room.  They did run into some problems with another boy in their class, but they learned to try to deal with it on their own, and when that didn't work I stepped in to help them.

[Alice]

I think most people probably live somewhere in the middle of free-range and helicoptering. Unless you are an advocate for a specific style of parenting I think most of us parent the kids we have the best way we can in the circumstances we are. 

 

In some ways, I'm free-range. In others I'm not. 

 

When I think about the times I'm not free-range it usually comes down to lack of opportunity (nowhere to go), lack of other kids around to play with or less often fear of what other people will think. 

[Guest]

I think you have to define free-range, because there are a range of parenting styles that can fall under that umbrella.

 

I had the sort of free-range childhood that veered strongly into neglect. I felt unloved. At the same time, I saw friends whose parents hovered over them in their teens, and they all struggled mightily with the transition to an independent adulthood. As a parent, I'm trying to hit the middle. I want my kids to have the love, support, and supervision that research has shown to be strongly associated with positive outcomes in teens, but I also want them to have independence and opportunities to figure things out on their own and fail occasionally. So I guess you could say that I believe very strongly in giving my kids age-appropriate independence.

 

I don't hover over them as babies or toddlers, but I do supervise them closely.

I don't leave them unsupervised under 8 (state law here), but I do let them play unsupervised in our fenced backyard or in another part of the house.

I try to not to do anything for them that they could do for themselves, especially in public where there are opportunities to make decisions and interact with people.

Once they are over 8 I let them play and ride bikes around our neighborhood or up the street at the park, but I always know where they are and they have to check in occasionally.

I start leaving them home alone at 10.

I let my oldest start babysitting the younger kids when she was 11.

 

We are just entering the teen years here, but I imagine the opportunities for independence will only increase. I am just trying very hard to continue to be connected and caring, so that independence is read as love and confidence rather than as disinterest or neglect.

All this is very similar to my parenting philosophy (except there s no way to bike or walk to a park from our home.) i'm a big believer in giving my kids opportunities to advocate for themselves in public, starting with ordering their own food at restaurants, and moving on towards using librarians or other adults as resources as they get into tweens and teens.

[Btervet]

I don't think it's fair to have a young child supervise themselves. Even if they think they don't need it. I also don't get why you can't teach independence while still being around. Have your young child lead the way to the park. Have them play alone while there. But still be within sight in case something does go wrong.

 

I was a "free range" kid. When we started school at 5 we got keys to the house. My parent were home around 8 every night. Lots of bad things happened during those hours, and it was terrible to never have a safe place of a present parent to turn to. I was told to "suck it up, buttercup". I guess I don't get what is so hard about being near young kids.

 

Now, when does a child stop being young? That's a much harder question.

[SKL]

In my experience, actual independence is a completely different developmental experience than "independence" with an adult nearby to handle the tough stuff.

 

As a free range elementary-aged kid, I got into some trouble - things I would consider relatively minor.  But I guess you could say I got it pretty much out of my system before things got really risky.  I always said no to sex / drugs / serious crimes etc. when such things started to come up in my peer group.  I was not afraid to go against the crowd, and I had a good sense of why I should say "no."  (I had a long-term view.)

 

I had more protected girls in my circle get into much more trouble than I did, during our teen years.  I was much more mature and able to make better decisions.  I do think it was because of experiencing independence (including the freedom to make stupid childish decisions) when I was younger.

 

Of course I could be wrong.  But that was my personal experience and it is why I want my kids to have as much independence as they can handle.

[Carrie12345]

I don't consider myself a free range parent, but I probably am in some ways.  I have a pretty good idea of what my kids are and aren't capable of, and I try to act accordingly. It might look like too much to some people and not enough to others.  I might sometimes set limits based on societal/CPS insanity, or based on our specific location.  I'm not so much into the "movement" as I am into letting my kids grow.

 

I grew up in two places that were perfect for free ranging.  My parents let us loose in one place and a little bit less in the other.  I wish I could raise my kids in either or both places.  It was a wonderful childhood!