It's your adult son's birthday and you and dh

[Anne in CA]

Maybe dh and dfil should "stealth lunch".

 

I wouldn't have lunch with someone who wasn't safe for my kids to be around. That would drive me batty. I get it, you don't want to go, but your feelings are hurt that you weren't asked. It sounds like your dh won't stand up to this woman no matter what, so it isn't about you, anyway. He loves you, he's a great guy, this is his flaw and everybody is entitled to one. Standing up to crazy people is never a good plan anyway. 

 

I would make a special birthday dinner or "take him out" again, lol. 

[Anne]

Next time show up at lunch with DH. "So sorry I couldn't make it last time. Luckily I was able to come today."

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

 

Can I just say how much I love this??!!!!!!!

 

Anne

[trulycrabby]

Even if the DIL would brink a six pack of b€er to the lunch and table dance after the cake was brought out, I would invite her.

 

Sorry you were left out. They might have thought you were busy homeschooling the kids, or didn't want to spend time with horrid people like them in the first place. :ack2:

[Guest]

Thinking more about this--this is a husband issue. I'd expect DH to not want to leave me out.

[Miss Tick]

I think it is rude of them not to invite you.

 

Do you WANT to be there? Maybe this is better, more peaceful, a time you can do something for yourself.

[Joules]

Maybe you could plan a big birthday lunch at your house for your FIL....and not invite your MIL 

 

 

[happypamama]

Well, it's complicated. They do do the lunch thing about once a month, supposed to be the father-sons thing but MIL has been working herself into being brought along the last few times.

 

Today was a deliberate "birthday lunch" invitation.

 

The inlaws are truly good to us, but MIL has a weird competitive/possessive vibe. She is known for erratic behavior - if you've read my past posts, she has no respect for dd's nut allergies, thus we cannot leave dd in her care. I think she passive-aggressively pays me (cuz it's all my fault, y'know) back by doing things like this. There's much more to it, but really, nothing that would preclude a wife in the invite other than just not wanting me there.

 

I really just wondered if it was common to leave the wife out. I just find it ironic because for many years I have been "taught by example" how to devotedly serve a husband; going everywhere together has been part of the lesson. Just makes me shake my head. I do think the saddest part is that dh finds it easier to go with it than to say, "hey, don't snub my wife!" It's not that I really want to be there, it's more that he takes it without comment. But that's all I'll say here; dh is a great guy but his mom takes some finessing.

That's really rude of her. MILs should be bending over backward to love their DILs, in thanks that someone else loves their little boys as much as they do! I imagine I will envy my DILs because they will get to keep the men that I raised, but I also imagine that I will adore them for adoring my boys so much. I'm really sorry your MIL hasn't gotten with that program yet. In the circumstance you describe, it's rude and strange not to include you in the lunch. Special dad-son event, no problem, or even lunch casually if they all work near each other or something, but lunch like this? No. Rude and unkind.

[bolt.]

In your situation it sounds rude.

 

In my situation (with generally positive in law relations) I wouldn't mind if they wanted 'just our boy and us' time once in a while, such as a birthday lunch.

 

Many families have a tradition with children to take them for a solo meal or 'date' (ie without any sibblings) around birthdays. I can see that carrying over to a solo meal (ie without wife and kids) as a birthday tradition.

[gardenmom5]

That's really rude of her. MILs should be bending over backward to love their DILs, in thanks that someone else loves their little boys as much as they do! 

 

they should - but controlling and narcisstic women dont' want to be second fiddle in their child's life. . . . .and they can go far to undermine a preferential relationship.  I had front row seats to one case.

 

and dudeling is letting me know how it feels early . . . . I'm his favorite, after 1ds. . . . :glare:.

 

[Tsuga]

In your situation it sounds rude.

 

In my situation (with generally positive in law relations) I wouldn't mind if they wanted 'just our boy and us' time once in a while, such as a birthday lunch.

 

Many families have a tradition with children to take them for a solo meal or 'date' (ie without any sibblings) around birthdays. I can see that carrying over to a solo meal (ie without wife and kids) as a birthday tradition.

 

Yeah, for us, too. My MIL takes her son out every so often and IIRC she took him out for his birthday lunch alone and I didn't mind.

 

But our family has a VERY different dynamic to the OP's.

[momto10blessings]

Yes, unless we absolutely couldn't afford to pay for 4 meals. Then I'd make dh stay home ;) lol

[Happy]

Well, it's complicated. They do do the lunch thing about once a month, supposed to be the father-sons thing but MIL has been working herself into being brought along the last few times.

 

Today was a deliberate "birthday lunch" invitation.

 

The inlaws are truly good to us, but MIL has a weird competitive/possessive vibe. She is known for erratic behavior - if you've read my past posts, she has no respect for dd's nut allergies, thus we cannot leave dd in her care. I think she passive-aggressively pays me (cuz it's all my fault, y'know) back by doing things like this. There's much more to it, but really, nothing that would preclude a wife in the invite other than just not wanting me there.

 

I really just wondered if it was common to leave the wife out. I just find it ironic because for many years I have been "taught by example" how to devotedly serve a husband; going everywhere together has been part of the lesson. Just makes me shake my head. I do think the saddest part is that dh finds it easier to go with it than to say, "hey, don't snub my wife!" It's not that I really want to be there, it's more that he takes it without comment. But that's all I'll say here; dh is a great guy but his mom takes some finessing.

 

We often joke around here that if something terrible happens to my son's marriage we are keeping the DIL.

 

I wish that your husband would say to his parents that he wants to spend his birthday with you. If they don't want you, then he can't spend his birthday with them.

 

 

[Tammi K]

Of course.

[Lady Florida.]

OMG  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I can see a father son lunch date without me, but a BIRTHDAY lunch?! I'm sorry. I'd be calling him every two minutes and ask him to bring me takeout. 

 

Yes, that's the part that would bother me. A birthday lunch should most definitely include the spouse.

 

We often joke around here that if something terrible happens to my son's marriage we are keeping the DIL.

 

 

 

When dss and dil were dating her parents used to tease that she'd better marry him because if they broke up, they'd keep him anyway.

[Chris in VA]

Dfil and dh are certainly a passive pair. It truly has proven easier - for them - to operate that way!

 

"We do as we've been taught?"

 

i could see laying it all out to my husband, having him insist on my being invited next time, receiving that invite, and then saying NO THANKS...

[Catwoman]

Well, it's complicated. They do do the lunch thing about once a month, supposed to be the father-sons thing but MIL has been working herself into being brought along the last few times.

 

Today was a deliberate "birthday lunch" invitation.

 

The inlaws are truly good to us, but MIL has a weird competitive/possessive vibe. She is known for erratic behavior - if you've read my past posts, she has no respect for dd's nut allergies, thus we cannot leave dd in her care. I think she passive-aggressively pays me (cuz it's all my fault, y'know) back by doing things like this. There's much more to it, but really, nothing that would preclude a wife in the invite other than just not wanting me there.

 

I really just wondered if it was common to leave the wife out. I just find it ironic because for many years I have been "taught by example" how to devotedly serve a husband; going everywhere together has been part of the lesson. Just makes me shake my head. I do think the saddest part is that dh finds it easier to go with it than to say, "hey, don't snub my wife!" It's not that I really want to be there, it's more that he takes it without comment. But that's all I'll say here; dh is a great guy but his mom takes some finessing.

I'm not sure how to say this, but the problem here is not your MIL.

 

The problem is your dh not standing up to his mother.

[Hikin' Mama]

I have another thought I want to add to this conversation. My perspective is that the happier my dil is, the happier my son is. So I go out of my way to treat them as a unit, to keep my opinions to myself most of the time, and to make sure she feels just as much a part of the family as my other kids. If she is happy, my son is happy, and then I am happy. :) Easy peasy.

[Slartibartfast]

nm

Edited December 13, 2014 by Susan Wise Bauer
Just a reminder: board rules forbid husband-bashing. Thanks.

[linders]

Absolutely. Heck, I would probably take a girlfriend of 2 months. The fact that you are asking makes me think there is an issue that you might not be sharing?

[Penguin]

(snip)

Imo and obviously limited experience, excluding a spouse is the fastest way to find yourself excluded from both.

I agree 100%.

[Ausmumof3]

Very rude...

 

One on one lunch they can do some time if they want but birthdays should include everyone.

[Liz CA]

This is a birthday. People can go to lunch one on one at other times. Very rude but as you wrote, more hurtful is probably your dh's response.

[zoobie]

How would they even phrase that? If my parents called and wanted to go out to lunch for my birthday, I would assume my DH and DC would be going as well. They would have to specifically exclude him from the invitation. And then I'd ask WTH? I agree with the others that your in laws may be rude, but I'd be very hacked off at DH for going along with their reindeer games.

 

Unless maybe it were my mom and "girly" oriented--like let's grab lunch and get pedicures! I'd probably fall over because she only wants to see the kids and doesn't give a rat's patoot about me, but this is your crazy family thread... ;)

[Elisabet1]

yes

[kitten18]

Maybe you could plan a big birthday lunch at your house for your FIL....and not invite your MIL

LOVE IT!!!!

[J-rap]

I would never even consider not inviting my DIL to my son's special birthday lunch!  To me, a married couple is a team, like one.  However, I think there could be situations where that would be okay.  For example, if the father and son already had a set, once-a-month lunch date in place, and one of them happens to have a birthday emphasis, that wouldn't be as big a deal.  Once the MIL joined in though, then I think they should have asked you too -- even if you couldn't come.  But, maybe she kind of forced herself in at the last minute.

 

Sometimes I'll have dinner out with my DIL (kind of a women's night out type of thing), and sometimes I'll have coffee out with my son.  But to have a special, one-of-a-kind birthday luncheon where the son is specifically invited and you're not... that seems inconsiderate.

 

My husband's family does this about once/year.  They're actually a pretty great family and we get along fine.  But sometimes they'll have a nice dinner celebration for siblings and their mother only -- "out-laws" are specifically not invited.  Now I think this is kind of strange and so does my husband.  The one who usually plans these events is not married though, so I think that's part of it.  Also, their mother is quite elderly and their family is large;  I think they feel their mother will be able to interact more easily with the smaller group (still 8) of her own children.  So, I kind of get it, but I wouldn't do it that way myself.  Once my children are married, their spouses become my children too.

 

 

[bolt.]

Is it really usual to make a big event at lunch on a birthday? Isn't it usually right in the middle of a working day? I rarely see my DH at lunch our on his birthday, so I wouldn't mind if someone else did. He'll probably have some kind of lunch with somebody -- if ok this parents, probably his work buddies.

[Haiku]

Do you also invite his wife (of 20+ years)?

 

Of course.

[BlsdMama]

Invite her unless you want to contribute to a worsening relationship. One cannot control another persons actions or choices, but one can control their own. ;)

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[foxbridgeacademy]

see, dramatic me was going to suggest rushing over there NOW & just joining in with a "whew! SO sorry I'm late! Oh great - here's an  extra chair (take chair from a nearby table). No worries, I'll just squeeze in here! Oh my, such a busy time of year! So lovely to see you! How nice of you to have birthday lunch! Yay! Let's celebrate! What's everyone having?!" and then just talk & laugh & never let anyone get a word in edgewise & leave them bowled over.

 

 

& then at home later, I'd lay down the new law to dh.

 

And then he'd get his present :D

 

You and I think a lot alike.... 

 

I really do think that something needs to change.  If it was just this birthday, eh no biggie.  It sounds like this is an ongoing problem though.  The change really needs to start with your DH.  He needs to make them understand that their exclusion of his WIFE is not acceptable.  

[Elisabet1]

My MIL actually does this for everything and tried to turn it back on us. For example, telling my husband he has to go to a family reunion, but then act offended by the suggestion that I go and act like I am crazy with "why would she want to go to someone else's family reunion, this is a FAMILY reunion for OUR family, not hers." 

[Peaceful Isle]

My parents wanted to take me out for "their" anniversary, and wanted to leave my dh home. I said no. But then again, that wasnt the first time they tried to leave him out. 

 

We never did go out that night. They would rather cancel the whole thing than endure my dh for two hours. sigh

[Seasider]

DH and I discussed this and he said that he let them know they should have invited me. (Wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that.) I let him know that it marginalized me when he accepted an invitation without me. He said, "Well next time, I'll bring you and you can just show up with me!" I told him that I didn't want to do that, because there might be the appearance of me just muscling my way in. He understands now that in the future, he should straight up front let them know that such invitations (they went to one of the most high dollar places in town) must include his wife.

 

We'll see what happens. FWIW, he sees them casually for lunch with just them and him at least every other month. He sees his dad and brothers more regularly. I have no problem with not attending those meetings. Special occasion planned in advance get togethers? That's a problem. ETA it's a problem because it intentionally divides me and dh, not because I want a fancy meal!

[Luanne]

I don't know why you wouldn't.  To do so would be very rude.

[HS Mom in NC]

Is it really usual to make a big event at lunch on a birthday? Isn't it usually right in the middle of a working day? I rarely see my DH at lunch our on his birthday, so I wouldn't mind if someone else did. He'll probably have some kind of lunch with somebody -- if ok this parents, probably his work buddies.

 

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. I'm also surprised anything thinks of an adult birthday as a big deal at all.  In my family birthdays weren't a big deal if you weren't a kid.  I think it was Dave Berry who had something about "If you're over the age of 12, no one should be making a big deal about your birthday." I'm always surprised when adults do something other than go out to eat with their spouse and kids or with mom on their birthday and maybe get a small gift.  It's just a cultural thing I guess.

 

I'm really surprised by all the symbolism in who gets the invite too.  I see spouses as a unit, but not in all circumstances at all times. I think there's room for all sorts of variations on subsets of relatives doing activities for holidays and birthdays. 

 

For my last birthday I did a bucket list hike with my brother and his spouse.  His kid wasn't invited and neither were my spouse and kids.  I do things with them all the time and have celebrated many a birthday with them.  I celebrated with new acquaintances (hiking group) and my brother and SIL this time.  It didn't represent anything about my relationships with my spouse and kids.  I just wanted to be on that particular hike at that particular location without having to think about anyone else's needs.  I wanted some alone time out of civilization for 4 days. I wanted an adventure with my brother at 40, but our plans that year didn't work out.  So I had one with him for my 41st.

 

My husband has done lunch/dinner with his parents for his birthday.  Usually  the kids and I are invited, but sometimes not.  No big deal.  I appreciate the fact that every time you add another person the dynamic changes and sometimes they want one kind of dynamic rather than the other.  Sometimes they want the other dynamic. My husband has never been invited to the birthday lunch I have with my mother. He's never been upset by that.

 

I get being upset when in-laws have a history of trying to "divide and conquer" their adult child from their spouse, but I suspect this isn't as common if you allow for a cultural difference in what "as a unit" means. If you allow that sometimes parents might like to spend time with their adult children on their birthdays at lunch without the spouse and that's a perfectly acceptable thing that isn't a snub to the spouse,  maybe some of the extended family dynamics would calm down. The Bible does tell us that a wise man over looks an insult.  An even wiser one would be very careful about categorizing some things as insults in the first place.