Ellie Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I can see friends and family of a young couple offering to bring food to a reception, especially if it is a small town/community. To require guests to bring food would be tacky, though. And those friends and family who bring food would not be doing it instead of a wedding gift. Of course, I grew up in a time and place where most couples didn't have big receptions, and often marriages were performed privately, with just the couple and the minister and the required number of witnesses. And when I got married, most of us had receptions at the church, with cake and punch and pastel-colored mints, definitely NOT a sit-down meal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I think it depends upon the community. Around here, formal wedding receptions are the norm - including sit-down dinners, band or dj, assigned tables. If people are not up for the whole kit and kaboodle here, they usually do an early wedding and an afternoon hors dourves reception with cake and punch or a backyard bbq. Mostly middle class suburbia here. I didn't know people did weddings differently until I was invited to one in a more rural area by one of my college friends. I just wish someone would have clued me in that it was only a cake and punch reception (over the dinner hour.) We would have stopped to eat first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 The first potluck reception I went to was at a friend's wedding in grad school. The reception was held in the quadrangle at school and everyone had a wonderful time. When we got married, we had the following: do it yourself wedding invitations two clergy friends preside chamber music as a prelude and at the reception sunflowers as the flowers of the day a cake from our favorite bakery supplied disposable cameras so folks could take pictures selected friends from different parts of our lives who stood up at the beginning of the service to say what parts of our lives they represented a friend sing the Mozart Alleluia during communion and ... a potluck hors d'oeuvres reception for those who could bring something We also specified no gifts. Along with friends and family, we also invited the homeless community with whom I had worked. Everyone - from all parts of our lives - had a great time. We spent a total of $1,000 nearly 20 years ago now (including church rental, clergy stipends and travel expenses, and musicians). People who insisted on a gift happily donated in our name to two homeless organizations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristyB in TN Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 The first potluck reception I went to was at a friend's wedding in grad school. The reception was held in the quadrangle at school and everyone had a wonderful time. When we got married, we had the following: do it yourself wedding invitations two clergy friends preside chamber music as a prelude and at the reception sunflowers as the flowers of the day a cake from our favorite bakery supplied disposable cameras so folks could take pictures selected friends from different parts of our lives who stood up at the beginning of the service to say what parts of our lives they represented a friend sing the Mozart Alleluia during communion and ... a potluck hors d'oeuvres reception for those who could bring something We also specified no gifts. Along with friends and family, we also invited the homeless community with whom I had worked. Everyone - from all parts of our lives - had a great time. We spent a total of $1,000 nearly 20 years ago now (including church rental, clergy stipends and travel expenses, and musicians). People who insisted on a gift happily donated in our name to two homeless organizations. That's the coolest thing I've ever heard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Just because you don't ask people to bring food does not mean you are choosing debt. And just because you invite someone doesn't mean they are a friend. They could be a work acquaintance. Yeah, I don't get the either/or distinction. My wedding was not potluck nor did we go into debt for it. (My husband and I paid for our wedding, not our parents.) But I am also seeing lots of different wedding "styles" (for lack of a better word) described. There is a difference between a formal church-and-reception-hall-with-DJ wedding/reception and one given by family and friends at someone's home, or in the church fellowship hall, or the park, etc. The military wedding described a few posts above sounds wonderful. That is far different from a wedding in which a large number of not-very-close friends and colleagues are invited and requested to basically act as co-hosts by bringing food. Maybe it's formal vs. informal, or maybe intimate vs... not intimate. I'm not sure where the line is, but I just see a difference. (We had about 70 people, close friends and work colleagues, and family of course. It was from 2 - 6 pm, start to finish - the ceremony and reception were at the same place. We had extensive hors d'oeurvres (prob spelled wrong), wine, champagne, soft drinks, and coffee/tea. Cake, very good cake and lots of it. A pianist who played anything anyone asked for. Impromptu dancing started by my nieces and nephews. It was so fun for me, and unless they were lying fun for the guests too. No pot luck, no debt, just happy memories.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I think there are some circumstances under which it would be okay but, generally speaking, I think tacky. If you can't afford to feed a meal to guests who have traveled and are bringing you gifts, have a 2pm reception with cake and punch. If you can't afford tea and punch for 100, invite only 50. Etcetera. At the end of the day you are still married, no matter what you fed people. That's the important part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Um....it's not about you. Exactly. It's not about entertaining and feeding a hoard of people. It's about a community coming together to celebrate a major life event and wish the couple well. If wishing the couple well involves tossing together a salad, that hardly feels like a big imposition to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I think others may have a different definition of "potluck" than I do. If a few close friends or family members coordinate and provide the meal together, I wouldn't consider that a potluck. To me, a potluck is a meal where all guests bring a dish of some kind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I don't think they are necessarily tacky but I think at least an Ipod of music should be playing so there's something for the guests to do besides just sit around. IOW - I think the potluck food and the boring reception are two separate issues. :D We have a lake party/bbq every year to celebrate our kids birthdays (dh actually was having this party long before the kids and I came along but it's evolved). We provide the drinks, hot dogs, hamburgers, rolls, condiments, birthday cakes, and we ask people to bring a dish to share IF THEY WANT TO. Some people do, some people don't. Some people bring gifts for the kids, some people don't. It's a pretty casual set-up but we always have a good assortment of food including a few people who bring specialties - we had an amazing curry chicken, Korean bbq steak, and empanadas this year, as well as the more traditional salads, beans, etc.. :drool: I think that could work okay for a casual wedding - a good assortment of food from those who want to help, and no pressure on those who don't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I think it's simply honest to say some things are not fun. And it can be helpful to those who might be considering their options for a future event. Personally I hate cooking (and I don't know how), and I hate dressing up. When I receive a wedding invite, this means I am to give a significant amount of cash whether I attend or not, and it usually means I have to get dressed up, smile, and make small talk with strangers for hours; and if it's someone close, I'll also need to buy a gift and ask what else I can do to help out. To have to bring food on top of that is not my idea of fun. Actually it would irritate me. I might as well be honest about it. But the thing is that you are not obligated to attend an event simply because you are invited. And you are never, ever obligated to give a gift of any size. And, even for a potluck, you are not obligated to cook. (There is no law that says you can't stop by the most convenient grocery store on the way and pick up something from the deli or bakery.) As for getting dressed up, smiling and making small talk, well, you're not actually required to do any of those things, either. But if it's really a problem, then it's possible weddings in general just aren't your thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Just because you don't ask people to bring food does not mean you are choosing debt. And just because you invite someone doesn't mean they are a friend. They could be a work acquaintance. I didn't mean to imply that. My brother had a gorgeous wedding that I suspect was pretty frugal, without being a potluck (as far as I'm aware, anyways! It may have been a close friends do the catering sort of thing). It's just that the zeitgeist these days is extravagant weddings, regardless of what you can realistically afford. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I think others may have a different definition of "potluck" than I do. If a few close friends or family members coordinate and provide the meal together, I wouldn't consider that a potluck. To me, a potluck is a meal where all guests bring a dish of some kind. I agree. And I never use the word potluck anyway. We have been leaning more toward organized covered dish for all,events....but weddings especially are well thought out and organized. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Tacky, but given that so many couples aren't bothering to marry at all and a big excuse is the cost, I'd rather them have a tacky wedding than no wedding at all, KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Here is the thing. When you're invited to a wedding, there is the assumption that you are going to attend, it's pretty much a command performance, because it's a special day, a new beginning, a time to share the joy of the couple and bless them with your presence and a gift. . I don't agree. I decline wedding invitations all the time. I probably have a 1 out of 5 acceptance rate over my life. I feel obligated to attend the weddings of family members when I can easily drive for the day. I feel no obligation at all for weddings that require flying, unless the bride or groom is my sibling. I decline local weddings regularly. I just don't want to go and I don't think they are command performances at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Not too long ago I received a wedding invitation that included a request to bring some sort of room temperature finger food. We were told it was not required, but to let the bride know if we could not bring something so she could contact the caterer to have them provide more food. Huh? That sure felt like a requirement to me. Who's going to do call her and say no, I'm not going to bring food? No one I knew did, and it wasn't because we were so excited to take food. Ok. I would consider this to be tacky. :ack2: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I have no problem with members of the bride and groom's families choosing to all chip in and bring food. I have a real problem with wedding invites to non relatives, coworkers, etc. being told to bring food. It is absolutely tacky. Seriously, do not invite more people than you can afford to feed. Keep it small if the budget is small. Have an early afternoon wedding with just a punch and cake short reception afterwards. A wedding is a "want" not a necessity. It is inappropriate to expect the community at large to provide you with a reception. Brides and grooms need to settle for what their families or their own budgets can afford or go quietly to the courthouse or pastor's office and just send out announcements afterward. The worst I have heard of is a wedding invitation one of my quilt store coworkers received. It was really a save the date in which the bride and groom said they were accepting cash gifts only and to please send your cash by x date so they could have "the wedding of our dreams" and included a suggested donation of $100.00 for relatives and $50.00 for non relatives. She was so offended, she sent them a roll of pennies and told the mother of the bride that they were lucky to get that. Needless to say, they did not get their cinderella day! Again, not opposed to those closest to the couple choosing to pitch in and provide the food. But it really is not appropriate to invite people conditional on the invitee bringing food! On top of which, in order to make it work, you'd have to assign dishes to people or otherwise you might end up with a thousand servings of cake and not a single serving of vegetables, fruit, or main course. I just cannot imagine telling the lady next door that she is invited to come so long as she brings 12 servings of lasagna and a loaf of garlicbread! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 But it really is not appropriate to invite people conditional on the invitee bringing food! On top of which, in order to make it work, you'd have to assign dishes to people or otherwise you might end up with a thousand servings of cake and not a single serving of vegetables, fruit, or main course. I just cannot imagine telling the lady next door that she is invited to come so long as she brings 12 servings of lasagna and a loaf of garlicbread! A friend received a wedding invitation for a girl whom her ds had dated and broken up with because she was a crazy stalker..anyway, the bride's family members called "guests" to *tell* them what food to bring, which was bad enough, but the bride also wanted "guests" to wear specific colors to the wedding. :wacko: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 A friend received a wedding invitation for a girl whom her ds had dated and broken up with because she was a crazy stalker..anyway, the bride's family members called "guests" to *tell* them what food to bring, which was bad enough, but the bride also wanted "guests" to wear specific colors to the wedding. :wacko: This is a sign that the bride really just is not mature enough to be contemplating marriage! Wow, juvenile, self centered, narcissistic behavior! Good grief, makes you wonder what the groom was like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Super tacky. Come to my wedding!! Bring your own food!! Just don't offer food instead of making guests work for you. Now a wedding where the food is provided by the family - no problem. But general 'bring a dish' invitations out too much burden on guests to mKe the party a success. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artichoke Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I voted other. We had one young couple at our church who had a beautifully simple wedding. The young man was headed to med school so they "published the banns" at church, the bride wore a beautiful summer dress, and they were married in our church with just a few decorations. The reception was potluck and the cake was a gift from one of the bakers in the congregation. It was a lovely send off for them, and the whole atmosphere was just delightful. There was nothing tacky about it. Now if they had done other things in a grand manner, and then requested potluck; I'd probably think differently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I've never been invited to one but I've been to plenty where there was just cake and punch and finger foods-just like my wedding. I would never have considered asking guests to bring food. I think big weddings are a waste of money that should be invested in things that give you return: avoiding debt, buying a house you can truly afford, emergency savings, retirement savings. Our wedding cost $2,000 total in 1993 and that included his ring and our week long honeymoon. No dancing. Just a short 15 minute ceremony and and an hour and a half to two hours hours of cake and chatting with friends then we all went home. Done and done.If you're wealthy, have a big wedding if you want one. I cannot even begin to process the idea of wanting a big wedding. I hate fuss and fluff and that's all big weddings are to me. If you're not wealthy, don't have a big wedding. I agree that no one outside of close family and very close friends should feel obligated to attend a wedding. It's completely optional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I can see both sides here. I think if it is a very close-knit family/friends, a potluck could be really nice. Like the trend around here of renting part of someone's ranch or farm field and having a folksy/countrified wedding, complete with bluegrass band. I don't think I would be comfortable asking people I didn't know very, very well with bringing food, though. I would probably ask only those closest to me to bring food. I would also really hesitate to specify what kind of gift I preferred, unless they were close family/friends and had asked what we were really needing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Pot luck is a swell idea. It's the only way to ensure everyone's diets, allergies and sensory issues are catered for. And I can't imagine myself ever having a pot luck reception myself because food is important and I'm not eating lasagne out of the freezer or my dad's cooking on my wedding day! Besides, if I am obliging people to take a day off to come look at me, I feel I ought to feed them properly as compensation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 But the thing is that you are not obligated to attend an event simply because you are invited. And you are never, ever obligated to give a gift of any size. And, even for a potluck, you are not obligated to cook. (There is no law that says you can't stop by the most convenient grocery store on the way and pick up something from the deli or bakery.) Well actually, yes, for all practical/social purposes you are obligated to do all of those things if you care for your relationship with that family. And I would do them just because I would not want to hurt the feelings of the new couple. And some of those things are more obvious than others. I could give a wimpy gift (or no gift) in secret, but everyone would know if I didn't bring a dish to a potluck. And we all know that you aren't supposed to come and eat at a potluck if you have not brought a dish. Yeah, you could swing by Giant Eagle and buy something but it seems tacky to me. Unless that is an established custom in that particular culture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Meh. Weddings, IMO, are way too often blown out of proportion the other way. Massive amounts of money blown on one day. I'd rather see a potluck or backyard BBQ, actually. With more focus on the marriage and lifelong commitment and less on the wedding day. This exactly! W head a small wedding with a potluck reception, and though part of it was finances, we also wanted to keep the focus on our marriage and not our wedding day. One way we did that was by not going into debt for a one day event. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Weddings are a celebration for the couple's family and friends. Potlucks are a gathering of family and friends. I don't see a problem combining the two, whether the couple is wealthy or not. Say Yes to the Dress proves that spending money can't prevent tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Other: There are times where it may be tacky. For the most part, no, I don't believe they are tacky. In fact, they were quite common in various areas and eras. The community and/or family comes together to celebrate. Not everyone has a wad of money and the money that they do have is better saved for setting up home and family. I could see where, if you come from a wealthy background, it's considered tacky. If you come from a common, normal, working class family, it's much more sensible (and honestly, those dessert receptions can be pricey also). I had a "dessert reception". We held it at a park. A friend provided the punch. I bought the cake (it was very small and modest). It was family only with a few friends that set up the reserved area of the park while the family was at the wedding. There was no dancing. No entertainment. Mainly, it was people sitting around, eating and talking. If people had negative thoughts about it, I really don't give a flip because it would mean they were there for the wrong reasons. I've been to weddings where whole communities (including MANY people from out of state) came....it was potluck provided by those that lived locally and everyone brought open gifts for setting up house...rocking chairs, blankets, pillows, dishes, etc, etc. It was a reception/shower all rolled into one. The bride made her dress and whomever was family and had a large enough yard hosted. I think people are tacky if they sit around criticizing a wedding that was done nicely, if not expensively. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I attended a wedding where the best man was a mean drunk. At the reception, he beat his fiance bloody and the cops had to come. Needless to say that was about the worst day of the bride's life. Ever since then, I've been wondering about the best way to have a traditional wedding without alcohol. :( That is awful! Years ago, I attended a wedding at which, at the end of the ceremony, the minister said that the reception would be following at such and such place, and the bride and groom were providing refreshments, but would not be serving alcohol, and would appreciate it everyone respected their wishes on this and did not bring alcohol. I thought it was kind of a weird thing to say, especially coming immediately on the heels of "I now pronounce you..." and with the tone that it a was delivered. It came across really uptight, and kind of mistrustful of the guests. Darn, and I had all those crates full of booze in my trunk that I was going to sneak in. What??? Who does that???Well, now your story makes me realize that there was probably someone in attendance that they knew could be troublesome when inebriated. If that's what the bride and groom had to do to avoid a scene like the one you described, then good for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 My Dh comes from a huge family of german Catholic farmers. Weddings are enormous! The first one I went to they invited 500, made food and planned for 1000 and 750 showed up. It was held in the local high school gym. His aunt and many, many cousins made all the food including cup cakes instead of cake. Up till then I had only been to weddings in small churches with cake and punch receptions so it was so bizarre to me! But what a hoot!! Literally the entire town showed up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 :( That is awful! Years ago, I attended a wedding at which, at the end of the ceremony, the minister said that the reception would be following at such and such place, and the bride and groom were providing refreshments, but would not be serving alcohol, and would appreciate it everyone respected their wishes on this and did not bring alcohol. I thought it was kind of a weird thing to say, especially coming immediately on the heels of "I now pronounce you..." and with the tone that it a was delivered. It came across really uptight, and kind of mistrustful of the guests. Darn, and I had all those crates full of booze in my trunk that I was going to sneak in. What??? Who does that???Well, now your story makes me realize that there was probably someone in attendance that they knew could be troublesome when inebriated. If that's what the bride and groom had to do to avoid a scene like the one you described, then good for them. I went to a wedding where one guest walked behind the bar, picked up a bottle of wine, and walked away with it. Apparently he had his own corkscrew and chalice (it was a Medieval/steam punk wedding). Since relatives had donated the case of wine, my family guarded the remaining bottles for the rest of the night and quickly packed them up for the wedding couple at the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I eloped, so I guess I'm not really in a position to tell anyone else how to have a wedding reception! :lol: I think if/when my daughter gets married, if we can't afford a reception with a full meal provided, I would personally feel MUCH more comfortable with a mid-afternoon cake and punch type reception than I would asking guests to bring food. I just wasn't raised in a time and place where that was done, so it feels wrong to me. As a guest, I would also rather just be served cake and punch, or nothing at all, than to have to worry about bringing food. But that's just a personal preference, and if I get invited to a potluck reception, I'll just roll with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Not tacky. A couple can do what they want. It's their wedding, not mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greta Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I went to a wedding where one guest walked behind the bar, picked up a bottle of wine, and walked away with it. Ha, classy guy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 That's great! I attended a wedding where the best man was a mean drunk. At the reception, he beat his fiance bloody and the cops had to come. Needless to say that was about the worst day of the bride's life. Ever since then, I've been wondering about the best way to have a traditional wedding without alcohol. Have your wedding/reception in a place that does not allow alcohol. A "No Alcohol" policy set by the venue makes it easy. I would probably put up a "cute" friendly sign by the main entrance and possibly make an announcement or two- not sure how to word it- but no way would I lose my deposit or get charged extra because someone can't go without alcohol for a few hours. (I'm not opposed to drinking, but I am opposed to paying extra) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 It depends. At a big hotel event center? Maybe a bit tacky. For an outdoors wedding or something at a family/friend's house? Totally normal to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 I think couples should have the kind of wedding they want. If the invitees are so put off by a pot luck reception, they're free to stay home. Personally, if I were having a wedding and people were disapproving of my reception plans, I'd WANT them to stay home. Even simple weddings can be stressful. The haters can hate from home. I've gone to all sorts of weddings this spring/summer. Some were extremely simple, one was very lavish with all the works. They were all celebrations and it never occurred to me to be critical of the reception. I think THAT's tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Depends on the contest for me, but I'm tend to think it's tacky. if we're talking about "Come to the wedding, family and friends have offered to bring the meal", that's fine. If it's "Come join us for our wedding! Don't forget a gift! Oh, and you're providing the food!" ... well yeah, I think that's tacky. It really kind of depends on the attitude of the couple about it. I guess in some cultures it's probably common, but that's SO far removed from the culture I grew up in that I honestly can't wrap my head around it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Do you all throw potluck birthday parties for kids too? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Why not ? I never have before but it too sounds awesome. Actually, it is dd16's b'day on Saturday and my family probably will bring things to share for her b'day afternoon tea. So ? I think that sounds lovely. My kids are younger and when I think birthday party , it's usually a dozen or so classmates. I figure if I invite them , I should provide a meal , or not schedule a party at mealtime. It is just so simple to me: if you ask people to come celebrate with you, in return you do have hosting duties including proving a comfortable venue, something to eat and some entertainment or at least some structure to the event . But as I said before I think potluck is lovely when it's small and just local family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Although I grew up in New England and have been to many huge weddings, I kind of like the idea of a simple relaxed potluck wedding reception I would have no problem bringing a dish for one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Depends on the contest for me, but I'm tend to think it's tacky. if we're talking about "Come to the wedding, family and friends have offered to bring the meal", that's fine. If it's "Come join us for our wedding! Don't forget a gift! Oh, and you're providing the food!" ... well yeah, I think that's tacky. It really kind of depends on the attitude of the couple about it. I guess in some cultures it's probably common, but that's SO far removed from the culture I grew up in that I honestly can't wrap my head around it. I agree with this. I don't think the food has to be fancy. I have been to receptions catered by family and friends and they were great (I was even *in* a wedding where the bride and I were in the church kitchen chopping veggies with her family the night before!). BUT... every guest bring a dish? Tacky. I also think it's tacky when people invite you over and tell you what to bring before you ask. But I'm sure that's just nitpicky of me. I *always* ask... but we have one set of friends who are very quick to tell us what to bring and it bugs me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyThreeSons Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 How does that work for out of town guests? It's not like you're going to be checking at the door whether they brought food or not. I would use a different insert about the reception for out of town guests, not mentioning the potluck nature. One of the best weddings I ever attended was outdoors, at a state park in a redwood forest. The reception was basically a potluck picnic / BBQ affair. It was so much fun! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 But you can ask people to come and celebrate with you in whatever way you like. If people are coming for the comfortable venue, the food and the entertainment (?!), are they really coming for you ? I could ask people to celebrate my birthday with a bushland clean up if I wanted, byo drinks and garbage bags. I guarantee my friends would come. ( I wouldn't ever do that because it sounds awful, but you know, the point stands ). If you only invite close friends and family - as I said a couple times - a potluck is lovely. Assuming you are inviting 40-100 people, there are likely a few people who are coming who aren't in that category. Cousins, coworkers, friends from college you haven't seen in a few years, elderly relatives who you rarely see, etc on both sides. In that case I would assume the guests expect some 'entertainment' - a DJ, toasts, the first dance, etc. And yes I do think a good host has a social obligation to provide food too. Doesn't have to be fancy, doesn't have to be a meal, but cheese and crackers and some crudités on a doily aren't really that expensive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 I think it depends on the circumstances. I do not think that anyone outside of close friends or family should be asked to provide food though, even in place of a gift. I have been to one potluck wedding, and it was nice. It suited the situation and was for close family and friends. I do not think potluck weddings should become the new normal, but I do think they have their place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artichoke Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Do you all throw potluck birthday parties for kids too? No. Answering in my worldview as a Christian, weddings and the building of a new household/family are more celebrated than that of another year of life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 At the potluck wedding I went to, there were probably 2-300 guests. I think they may have invited everyone from both churches, plus all the friends and family. It was hard to find enough outlets at both the church and reception for dozens of crockpots. Since I have food allergies, it was nice knowing there was at least one dish I could eat, so I don't want people to think I was complaining to others about the food situation. (I would, however, have appreciated some dancing or structure to the reception. I thought it was "half-time" but then the bride and groom just left and it was over.) I think it is possible to consider something tacky or boring (wedding or something else) without "hating" people, as one person implied. Can't people have differences of opinion without being thought of as disrepectful? Having an opinion is not the same as voicing that opinion to the people involved. It sounds like people have different "wedding philosophies." I grew up thinking that a party host's job is to feed her guests and make sure they are comfortable and having a good time. Now, for my wedding, I told the DJ that there was to be no rap, even if a guest requested it. That was my limit, but any other genre of music was fair game. Although my favorite genre is techno/trance/electronic music, I wouldn't have made my guests endure much of it because I considered it part of my job to have music available that people generally like (or at least don't hate) that they could dance to. It sounds to me like some people view a wedding more as a community celebration than a "I'm the host and have to make everyone comfortable" type event. If I understand this view correctly, it would be more up to the guests to make sure they are having a good time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 That's great! I attended a wedding where the best man was a mean drunk. At the reception, he beat his fiance bloody and the cops had to come. Needless to say that was about the worst day of the bride's life. Ever since then, I've been wondering about the best way to have a traditional wedding without alcohol. Marry a Mormon :D (well, that kinda throws the traditional wedding bit out the window, but our receptions are always alcohol free...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 I think it is possible to consider something tacky or boring (wedding or something else) without "hating" people, as one person implied. Can't people have differences of opinion without being thought of as disrepectful? Having an opinion is not the same as voicing that opinion to the people involved. "Haters gonna hate." It's an expression, usually used to say that people are going to complain about something if they don't like it, it's not their taste, or it's not their way. I think calling a friend or loved one's wedding reception tacky is pretty disrespectful itself, even if you're not saying it to their faces. The most recent wedding I attended a few weeks ago was the most lavish. Outdoors in a beautiful setting, cocktail hour with appetizers, sit-down dinner with wine and beer in a huge outdoor event tent, cash bar for cocktails, DJ who did his own mixing (no ipod play list for this guy!), dancing. It was beautiful and a lot of fun. And what was one of the bride's biggest worries? That there would be people there who'd "hate on" her wedding reception, her decorations, her food choices. I find it incredibly sad that in this day and age, people are so vocal in sharing their dislikes and feel so free to be hurtful and disrespectful that this lovely young woman was actually worried that people would find fault in her wedding reception. Whatever happened to being a gracious guest? Or, if the event is too hideous to fathom attending, graciously declining the invite? Why not focus on the reason for the event, and not the minutiae of it? I get that everyone doesn't like everything and that's fine. But it's one afternoon/evening of your life, is it that difficult to put one's own preferences and expectations aside and just be happy for and supportive of the new couple? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyomarie Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 For most typical US weddings you at least have a DJ (can be a family member!) to play the traditional dances. I mean, if you're going to call it a reception and send out invites and all that. I'm not sure I'd say "most typical." It probably depends on the US region and subculture to which one belongs. I've been to many, many weddings that didn't have a band or a DJ. I've also been to lots of weddings that did. My husband and I had a church afternoon luncheon reception. Not a lot of money for a wedding. My parents provided the deli meats for sandwiches and the cake. The church women provided salads. We definitely didn't have a DJ. One daughter had a formal evening reception with an Irish/folk band. The other had an informal lunch reception with no special music planned, though she and her violin/fiddle teacher did some impromtu Irish tunes after the cake was cut. I had a good time at all three receptions because I was eager to spend time with the guests and have them share the day with us. I have never been invited to a potluck reception. I heard of it for the first time when I was reading online about a wedding that happened earlier this year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChocolateReignRemix Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 I would go, take a tasty dish, leave a gift and enjoy myself. Deciding whether or not it was "tacky" wouldn't enter my mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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