Do you make your teenage children attend church?

[Samiam]

DH and I have never really attended church. Oldest DS went to Awana's and children's choir for a few years at a friends church when he was 9-10ish. That has been the extent of our family's involvement in church. DH is not really a believer, and I'm just not educated enough about most of it (my family also never went to church when I was a child). We are thinking that we'd like to start attending church for a few reasons 1. To learn more about the Bible, 2. The community of fellowship that a good church could offer, 3. So that our boys have a good base of knowledge (we do live in the Bible Belt and most people we know are Christians, and we don't want our children to be uneducated about this) and can decide for themselves as adults having knowledge (unlike me having no base of knowledge). Our youngest two DS do consider themselves Christians just from the general exposure they've gotten from homeschool co-ops, a few VBS we've done, Upward basketball, etc.

 

Anyway I already know DS15 is not going to want to go. One, he dislikes new situations with many people in general (introvert). Two, he won't be interested in going to church just because it is church. I'd think he may enjoy the high school youth group once he gets comfortable. I think, as it's new to all of us, we should attend as a family, though the youth group gathers seperately from service time. Anyhoo, do you require your teen to attend church if they are not willing?

[poppy]

I think I would with an academic education curriculum at home, since cultural literacy seems to be your goal.  One pastor at one church is not enough to allow someone with no religious background to "decide for himself" IMO.  It also doesn't sound like you or your husband are people of faith, which would make the transition difficult.

[Pawz4me]

No.

[DawnM]

Well, we do require our children to attend but they have gone all of their lives and we are people of faith.

 

Since you are saying you really aren't believers, and this is a new situation, I would be more inclined to go for a while and see if you even feel you want to do this regularly.

 

Dawn

[Lavandula]

I'd encourage him to try at least once, maybe a few times. But I wouldn't force him to attend. You don't get someone to embrace something by making them associate it with being dragged somewhere they don't want to be. 

[HS Mom in NC]

No.

[marbel]

Yeah, in your situation I would not force it.   

 

But you could let your son go to the youth group without going to the church services, can't you?  Most youth groups my kids have belonged to have unchurched kids attending.  However, he might not be comfortable enough to go unless he attends a few church services first, or if he has a friend attending it.  (My family's church does not have a youth group so my son attends one at a similar church; he got started there with a friend.  It seems to be a great group.  Not all of them are, so be careful.)

[Cricket]

My girls don't always enjoy being dragged around to their older brother's baseball games, but we attend as a family so they go.  They don't really get a choice.  My oldest is 16 and he doesn't always want to go to the girls' swim meets, but, as a family, we do things together so we all go.  If you typically do things as a family, then I don't see why church should be different.  On the other hand, if your teen was highly resistant, I'm not sure. I guess it would depend on the family dynamic you already have in place.

[Elisabet1]

I didn't, but I wish I had. I am not going to expand on that, but..I am just saying..I wish I had. I didn't really care if he stayed with our religion and figured he would find what was in his heart. Instead, he found what was in the heart of the biggest jerks around him. When I left that void in his life, someone else filled it.

[Desert Rat]

No. 

I was raised in a religious household. Church attendance was mandatory until the day I turned 18. I have never attended since, with the exception of important events in my parents' lives. It was my first giant step away from religion.

If you are looking for cultural literacy, study at home. We study all major religious beliefs/stories as unit studies, most often during the ancients cycle. 

[Ethel Mertz]

A few thoughts ...

 

1. Ask him.

 

2. If he is reluctant, compromise with him. Suggest he go for a month and at the end of said month, he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to go.

 

or

 

3. Don't make him go to the church service, but have him try the youth group 3 or 4 times.

 

or

 

4. Do a world religions class with him at home. And/or do a "Bible as Literature" course. You could also have him read "The Bible for Dummies" or "The Idiot's Guide to the Bible" or some such thing if what you want is cultural familiarity. You could also (as part of a class you would design) have him attend several different Christian churches to see what the differences are (Catholic, Baptist, Interdenominational, Methodist, Episcopal, Lutheran, etc).

[retiredHSmom]

I was raised Catholic, attending church every single Sunday.  My father was not Catholic but early in their marriage my parents decided that attending church was something that would be done as a family and so we did.  Church attendance was just assumed until you graduated from college.  One of my siblings did resist and was told in no uncertain terms that we attended as a family and so they would be there.  You were not forced to believe but you would go and giving up one hour per week was really not that great a burden.  Today 3 of the 5 of us still attend church.

 

My husband is not Catholic and we have taken the same approach.  We are thinking about changing parishes because we are not loving ours and when I asked my husband's opinion recently he told me that his opinion didn't matter because he isn't Catholic. I assured him that while his opinion on theological matters not not matter his opinion on atmosphere decidedly does because we attend as a family.  He agreed.

 

I would say that you have every right to expect your son to attend.  I wouldn't expect him to join youth group unless he wants to or require him to believe but he can set aside one hour a week to join your family in a family activity.

[Artichoke]

Yes, we did have one of our children,  who was not willing,  attend church with us regularly.  It was a difficult decision to make, but we decided that church was a weekly event that we attended as a family.  We didn't require any sort of participation, just politeness and good manners.  This also carried over at home.  He wasn't required to say grace, but he was quiet and waited for all of us to begin eating at the same time. He was excused from nightly devotions and instead had a quiet time in another part of the house, ie no video games, no tv, etc.  Overall it worked out well for all involved.

[Elisabet1]

I was raised Catholic, attending church every single Sunday.  My father was not Catholic but early in their marriage my parents decided that attending church was something that would be done as a family and so we did.  Church attendance was just assumed until you graduated from college.  One of my siblings did resist and was told in no uncertain terms that we attended as a family and so they would be there.  You were not forced to believe but you would go and giving up one hour per week was really not that great a burden.  Today 3 of the 5 of us still attend church.

 

My husband is not Catholic and we have taken the same approach.  We are thinking about changing parishes because we are not loving ours and when I asked my husband's opinion recently he told me that his opinion didn't matter because he isn't Catholic. I assured him that while his opinion on theological matters not not matter his opinion on atmosphere decidedly does because we attend as a family.  He agreed.

 

I would say that you have every right to expect your son to attend.  I wouldn't expect him to join youth group unless he wants to or require him to believe but he can set aside one hour a week to join your family in a family activity.

In my life, when I am visiting someone of a particular religion, where they have an event, or maybe it is just a regular service and they want to go, I have always gone. I have been to Catholic and Baptist and Church of Christ, as well as ELCA and United Methodist, etc. 

 

I have never ever been anti- any religion. I thought by letting my children decide if they want to go, and then not being bothered when they picked video games or sleeping in over going with me, was fine and good. Instead, I realize I taught anti-family values to my child that always wanted to stay home and play video games instead. In addition to that, he has ended up in an anti-Christian crowd, which is not ok. He will not attend anything if it is held any place related to a church.  He acts like it will physically hurt him. In reality, all he ever wanted to do during that time growing up was sleep in and/or play video games. If he slept in, it was because he was up during the night playing video games. I realize now that he has no idea what happens inside a church or what being Christian is all about. He does not even seem to get that Christians and the denominations are as diverse as the world. 

 

But back to the family part....if it is a family event, everyone in the family should attend. My son doesn't want to do anything at all with us because he thinks it is ok to put just himself first. He has no consideration for how the rest of us feel. Honestly, it has pulled our family a part.

 

Why does your child not want to go? What will they do in the meantime? I have seen many times where a teen doesn't want to eat dinner with the family, go to this or that family activity, etc. But, it is up to us to teach our children family values. And if attending your church is a part of that, then it is not for the purpose of the religion you make your children go, but rather for the purpose of the family values.

[mom2samlibby]

Yes.

[jhschool]

Ours *wants* to go so the question doesn't apply.

But...

If he didn't want to go, yes, we would make him.

[Desert Rat]

 

 

I have never ever been anti- any religion. I thought by letting my children decide if they want to go, and then not being bothered when they picked video games or sleeping in over going with me, was fine and good. Instead, I realize I taught anti-family values to my child that always wanted to stay home and play video games instead. In addition to that, he has ended up in an anti-Christian crowd, which is not ok. He will not attend anything if it is held any place related to a church.  He acts like it will physically hurt him. In reality, all he ever wanted to do during that time growing up was sleep in and/or play video games. If he slept in, it was because he was up during the night playing video games. I realize now that he has no idea what happens inside a church or what being Christian is all about. He does not even seem to get that Christians and the denominations are as diverse as the world. 

 

But back to the family part....if it is a family event, everyone in the family should attend. My son doesn't want to do anything at all with us because he thinks it is ok to put just himself first. He has no consideration for how the rest of us feel. Honestly, it has pulled our family a part.

 

 

I'd like to pursue this idea a little further. (I did edit down the quote to the part I wanted to discuss...)

 

Do you think not going to church as a family, one hour a week, had this destructive of an effect on your family?

 

I stated up thread that I was forced to go to church every week. 2 Church services, 1 Sunday School, 2 Youth group meetings a week (I did enjoy the youth group, though). We also ate dinner, played games, watched movies, went shopping, all sorts of things together. Church was not our only family activity and it was truly the only one I wanted to be exempt from. 

 

In my own family, we do all those things and attend most of the kids' activities as a family (no church for us). When my children don't feel like doing a specific activity, they get a slide unless circumstances make it too difficult (supervision, time frames, car sharing, etc.) because I know that we are involved in many other ways.

 

It sounds to me like there is a heck of a lot more going on in your family dynamic than just skipping church on Sunday morning. Feel free not to answer. I realize I am delving into a personal area here. I would like to point out though, that I don't think that skipping one family outing to church per week caused the heartache and hurt you are experiencing with your son. (Meant gently and not at all finger pointing or blaming.) Church does not have to, and I argue shouldn't be, the only family activity. And I hope you don't blame yourself for not forcing him to go to church with you as the cause of his current outlook. You could have forced him to come with you and been faced with the exact same result. 

 

 

[Joker]

No.

 

My parents didn't force us as teens but we went willingly anyway. Of course, it also wasn't mandatory that my older siblings attend the games that I played in or that I cheered in. It made the ones they did show up to, which were many, that much better because I knew they wanted to come. I think it made a huge impact on our relationships as teen siblings and now as adults to not be forced to go to every little thing. I am very close to my family and always have been.

 

My oldest is 14 and we don't force her to go. She has chosen to go for the most part so far so we are happy. A few times she has chosen a sleepover instead but she has also passed on a few to attend with us. I think it is very important that she has a say in it and I think it is better for her in the long run.

 

 

[Starr]

I think I would have him join the family. Often at 15 no is just another no without trying something new. 

[gardenmom5]

dh and I have always attended church together since we were married. (I grew up in an irreligious family, where religion was used as a weapon.)  we reared our children to regularly attend church. had scripture study, prayers, etc.  I will add I have four adult children.  three always willingly came - so they are irrelevant to the subject.

 

I have one, who stopped coming when dc was a teen.  dc started by skipping things, and then just stopped.  I came from a controlling family - I know how much that *doesn't* work.  so, I stretched out my hand, and invited.  if dc said 'no', I respected it. I only asked once until the next time.  I invited for family prayers, for family scripture study, special occasions, etc, but dc was always free to decline. (there were certain family occasions I tried to register are socially obligatory.)  I respected dc's choice.  there was one time the subject of me haunting dc to come to church after I died did come up. ;) dc smiled.   dc's feelings warmed up long before dc made the choice to come back.  but it was most definitely dc's free choice - and timetable.

 

now, I have a particularly close relationship with this dc.

[elegantlion]

In your situation, I would not. 

[creekland]

Our kids choose to go to church and will go without us even if we stay home for some reason or another (they drive).

 

But that's their choice.  It will always be their choice.  They absolutely 100% know that we will accept them and love them no matter what they choose as they age (about beliefs or anything).  It's not our job to "make" them believe anything.  It was our job to pass on why we believe what we believe.  After that, their belief is between them and God.

 

In your situation, I'd go to church without your teen unless he wanted to go.  If you think he'd like the youth group (once you decide if you like the church), see if there's someone there his age that he could be friends with first.  My kids often invite their friends to youth group and other similar activities even when they don't attend church.  The kids seem to like it.  (Mine provide transportation too, but that shouldn't be an issue in your case.)

[Heather in Neverland]

I don't know if I would call it "forcing" my child to go. Going to church as a family unit is just something we do. It's understood that on Sunday morning we go to church, all of us, including my teen. He has never asked to stay home. If he did? I would say no, this is a family thing and we do it as a family just like all the other family things we do.

[marbel]

I think I'm seeing two different situations here.

 

One is where church has been part of the family culture for all the kids' lives, or at least a long time.  The parents are believers and want to pass that on to their kids.  In most of those families I would agree that kids should go to church with the parents.  I have seen some situations in which church was a requirement, non-negotiable, and it worked out well, and others where it did not, of course.  But if it's been a family thing, then yeah the teens should go. 

 

But it sounds like the OP's family are not believers, or not sure, and church has not been part of the family.  Not to be insulting at all to OP; I think I understand what she is looking for, but it sounds almost like an academic exercise.  I also understand the desire to give the children a basis to make a decision on their own.  A person can't make a decision without knowledge.  But this would all seem very weird and artificial to the teen since there has been no basis for church attendance in the past.  Why the sudden change?  And why at that point in his life should he start to care about this, when it has been a non-issue in the past?  (Not questions I expect OP to answer.)

 

Honestly, though I think it is never to late for someone to make a change spiritually, come to accept God/Christ, etc., I think the teenage years are too late to try to force the issue.  I would not make the teen go - the youngers sound like they are more open to it and I would have them go - but invite, share what you learn, etc.  Encourage attendance with the youth group if you think it is good.   But don't force.   It's not a family thing like going to grandma's birthday celebration. 

 

Another thing might be to start attending a church and finding opportunities for him to serve outside of worship services, such as helping run the VBS if that sort of thing fits his personality.  That would give him an opportunity to meet other people and get some exposure to the church and beliefs. 

 

[Rivka]

Growing up in a church-going family, my siblings and I were required to attend church up through confirmation classes, which happened in 9th or 10th grade. After we made a decision whether or not to be confirmed, continued church attendance was our own choice. I anticipate that my kids will have a similar requirement to attend church up through Coming of Age classes, and that after they come of age we'll allow them to decide for themselves.

 

As others have said, though, it seems like the OP's family is in a different situation. If you're exploring church for purposes of cultural literacy, I'd allow your teen to pursue that goal by different means - such as reading books or watching videos at home. If you (the parents) are committing to a church out of religious faith, then it seems more reasonable to enter into negotiations with your teen about "this is something that has become very important to us, and so it's important to us that you give it a try."

 

But if you've never been a church-going family, I think 15 is too old to say "this is what you're doing every week, and no arguments."

[scwendy]

Just a thought.  If at any point your teen seems open to at the least trying it out, consider a UU church.  The children's RE in particular is FANTASTIC.  They learn about many, many religions and even visit other temples/mosques/churches as part of the process.  DH and I wish WE could attend the children's RE:)

[lmrich]

Is it an active and fun youth group? I made my son join youth and choir. Best thing ever. Our youth has loads of,fun activities and casual get togethers. My oldest two are very active members and always have something to do. A good youth group could change everything for him.

[gardenmom5]

Just a thought.  If at any point your teen seems open to at the least trying it out, consider a UU church.  The children's RE in particular is FANTASTIC.  They learn about many, many religions and even visit other temples/mosques/churches as part of the process.  DH and I wish WE could attend the children's RE:)

 

experiences vary. after leaving a protestant faith they never really believed in, my parents started attending a particularly liberal UU. (yeah, even for UU they were liberal.  I base that on having visited a couple other UUs during the same time period.). the children's/youth program was almost non-existant.  the teen group is where where my brother was introduced to drugs. even as a child, I loathed that place.

[HS Mom in NC]

I guess it depends on what you believe the purpose of going to church is. I think it's for corporate worship of believers and preaching and teaching believers (feeding the sheep.)  I also think it's there for unbelievers being drawn to it, for what ever reason, to go learn and experience more about it directly. 

While I agree younger kids have mom and dad make all kinds of decisions for them so they don't get to decide (and because they can't stay home alone) I let my teens choose for themselves.  My middle daughter usually goes with me and there are times she goes even when my youngest and I don't.  My oldest has shown up a couple of times and she's not usually interested in religion. My husband doesn't attend and he's not interested in religion either.

 

[Anne in CA]

I have three introvert children. All of them would never do anything new if not forced with a goad, lol. I make them try things, and let them decide after they have tried it long enough. In your shoes I would make him go to youth group and any related events for six weeks and then he could drop it with some home study if he wanted to. If he had a general aversion to Christianity I would not make him go, but it sounds to me like he would just like to be home alone while all of you are gone, and while I'm sympathetic to that I would make him try it out before he made the decision.

[Katy]

If you found a church that you loved and committed to join and make it part of your life as a family, yeah, I might ask him to go with us for a few months.

 

It doesn't sound like you've found that yet, so I wouldn't force it.

[Joyofsixreboot]

About 16 I let them decide. Though brought up on the church every Sunday my oldest 3 don't attend. My 15, 13 and 10 yo go but it is grudging.

[Murphy101]

Absolutely. :)

 

ETA:

 

Proviso. I insist on going to Mass on Sundays and other days of obligation unless they or I are genuinely too sick to go. (I'm a mess of cold meds tonight, so it's unlikely I will take them tomorrow.)

 

I strongly encourage other involvement, but I don't require it.

[Catwoman]

No.

[Justified]

I think its a perspective issue. You don't go to church to see God and these days most churches and pastors are bible illiterate so forcing church isn't a great idea. A real discussion about what it means to be saved is important but you don't need to go to church to get that. In fact most churches will just put you under the law in one way or another with tithing and such. The law was given to condemn and most of what Jesus said in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were to Israelites and not to Gentiles. He didn't start dealing with Gentiles until Paul (who became like a heathen rejecting work of the Holy Spirit) was stopped and saved by Jesus. Who better to demonstrate the power of grace than someone who broke the unpardonable sin? Amazing. Anyway you won't hear that in most churches because they like to put you under the law to control you or they have forgotten what Jesus showed Paul in Romans that we are under grace and not the law for the law came to condemn us and through the weakness of the flesh it didn't have power to make you dead to sin. Thankfully Jesus through Paul showed us that we were baptized into his death and baptism just means you are given a new identity and in this instance it means we are dead to sin. And just as Jesus was raised from the dead to live unto God so Holy Spirit baptized us into this newness of life. We have the freedom to live unto God but not under the law but under grace. For grace is the power in which we can reckon ourselves into who God now sees us to be through Jesus Christ which is redeemed, justified unto eternal life (and God doesn't do take backs) and sanctified. Because it's by grace that we are saved it means that you can be saved and still serve sin. Does it mean you should? Of course not. Why serve sin? But it's the goodness of God that is His mercy and grace that leads to repentance. You can't repent and be saved because you don't have the power to repent. You have to be saved first. These days the church has it all backwards and we have a bunch of depressed or self-righteous Christians. We are only righteous because God gave us His righteousness. Isn't this such a great gospel of peace and grace. God wants us to hear His word but our hearts have to be willing. If going to church is just some religious requirement that he is being forced to fulfill I think he will miss out on having an amazing relationship with God that is filled will grace and peace. Share your relationship that you have with Jesus with your DS and if you feel like you need a good teacher on the bible I can make a few free suggestions.

[Samiam]

Thank you all!  Good advice from both points of view.  After sharing it with my DH, we've decided that we will have our DS15 attend for four weeks, and after that it will be up to him.  As a norm, we do that "family attends together" that others have mentioned, for most things.  Sibling's events, etc...we all go.  No one stays behind because we go to support each other.  But for this scenario, church is really a personal experience, and if he's not going to open his mind to the experience after a month, there's no use to force it at this point.  Perhaps he'll come around, or perhaps he won't.     The church we have in mind appears to have a really active high school youth group, and I'd love for him to participate in that...BUT...it meets at a different time than regular service, which means specifically taking HIM to it, and dropping him off, and leaving him in a room full of strangers who will want to welcome him and interact with him as the "newbie"...he is just going to be a big "NO" on that, I'm pretty sure.  We'll see how it goes.   thanks again for all of the advice.