Need advice dealing with estranged mother's therapist

[Kathryn]

And I just got the mail and there's a letter from my mother. Open it or return to sender?

[JustEm]

And I just got the mail and there's a letter from my mother. Open it or return to sender?

I'd open it, if only to solidify your reasons for cutting ties with her again even after she supposedly sought help.  You don't have to respond to the letter if you open it.

[Seasider]

And I just got the mail and there's a letter from my mother. Open it or return to sender?

That's a tough one. But you may need it for your documentation collection.

 

I'm so sorry, Kathryn, that you have to endure this.

[Harriet Vane]

I am appalled by the therapist. Really, truly appalled. I echo what some of the others have said, especially ElegantLion.

 

Therapist's behavior is totally inappropriate. She should not be texting such personal information or trying to have this type of conversation via text.

 

She is not qualified to diagnose your mother, and her perceptions of your mother are skewed, as you know.

 

She does not have a therapeutic relationship with you. She has not heard enough from you to consider offering advice. Besides which, you didn't ask for her advice.

 

Sending such a text to a third party is wildly inappropriate--she needs to be waaaaaaaay more careful. It's not just the content that she tells that third party when she texts; she also tells that third party that you have a therapist in your life. Some people prefer to keep therapy strictly private, so disclosing that relationship to anyone is a very, very serious violation.

 

I would not ever deal with this therapist again if I were you. Doing so will only increase the drama.

[zoobie]

And I just got the mail and there's a letter from my mother. Open it or return to sender?

 

Let your DH screen it and put it away in case there's crazy to be documented to protect your family.

[Harriet Vane]

And I just got the mail and there's a letter from my mother. Open it or return to sender?

 

There are a few goals here to consider:

 

--Keeping your life peaceful and drama-free.

 

--Satisfying your curiosity.

 

--Doing what is "best" for your relationship with your mother.

 

--Doing what is safest for your children. Her past behavior constituted a significant, very real threat to your family,

 

Your options as I see them:

 

--Return to sender unopened. This may or may not keep your life peaceful and drama-free. I suspect it will actually ratchet UP the drama significantly and keep you and your mom engaged in combat. I suspect there will be a retaliation of some sort, whether from her directly or from her family/community or both.

 

--Put it in a file unopened. Do not respond. Read it whenever you feel like it, or never. You might make a deal with yourself to read it in six months or a year or five years, or you might leave it open-ended.

 

--Read it but do not respond. This satisfies your curiosity but doesn't give your mother anything to fight with you about. She may remain as is for now thinking that you will respond eventually.

 

--Read and respond. Depending upon the content of the letter, this can go one of two ways. (1) If the letter is contrite and you see hope, you can respond in a way that opens the conversation to more letters or even interaction, if you determine she really is ready for that. You can always choose to close the door again if she ever responds to you inappropriately; (2) If her letter is as negative as the relationship has consistently been, you can choose to respond reaffirming your boundaries in terms of non-contact and need for total honesty. If you do so, do it realizing that this will be a fresh trigger for more bad behavior.

 

One final thought:

 

If you suspect further drama from her is an active, open option, as a mother yourself you have to default not to what is best for her or for you, but for your children. Unfortunately, reconciliation would have to take a back seat to maintaining your children's safety. That may mean total absence of relationship, or it may mean relationship only in controlled settings with witnesses (like exchanging letters or choosing to visit only as you-and-her in the presence of a therapist). Access to your children or home should be a privilege that comes dead last, only after a significant time period of her remaining honest, respecting your boundaries. Also that privilege comes only after incremental steps achieved towards that goal.

[PrincessMommy]

Kathryn,  you're about to have a baby.   Give yourself some distance and don't open the letter.  :grouphug:  

 

I wish we lived closer, I'd come over and cook you dinner or something so you can have a rest.  Really, you don't need this kind of stress right now.

[Tmhearn]

While I agree with the above, it sounds to me like your mom is feeding the therapist a line that you are unstable and in need of monitoring when you have that baby. The therapist's insistence that you cannot manage your two other children when you have the third is really weird - especially since you said that your mother had previously accused you of child abuse. I would definitely cutoff contact with the therapist.

[Seasider]

I wouldn't trash it, seriously, it may serve as evidence in future dealings. If you don't want to read it, you could give it to your dh, unopened, and let him store it somewhere he can retrieve it from if necessary.

[Joanne]

I would not return to sender. Interaction with a person like I think Mom is = desire to interact.

 

Yes, even a "return to sender" in the mind of someone manipulatively unwell and without boundaries is *content* on which they can build a case.

It is ambiguous if you don't acknowledge the letter at all and probably safer.

[gardenmom5]

 . The therapist has mentioned to me several times that her specialty is trauma recovery and she has had to consult with others on this because she doesn't really understand where my mom is coming from. I think she's way out of her league here.

 

yeah, ya think?    ?    ?   . . . .

 

*IF* I was feeling generous, I'd find a therapist who "did" get it for your mom, and tell her that's the one she has to see.   this therapist sorely lacks the skills to deal with your mom.

 

if you choose to not report the therapist (I would), do write her a letter stating her lack of professionalism - especially in a case she's having to consult with outsiders just to understand where her patient (your mother) is coming from and is just one more mark for evidence your mother has snowed her.  (and as an experienced therapist, she should be embarrassed to have been snowed by a patient.)

 

 

[goldberry]

Is it possible this person is a friend of your mom's, and she is just using her therapist services to "technically" meet your requirement?  There is something weird here that seems so go beyond a therapist/client interaction. 

[fraidycat]

While I agree with the above, it sounds to me like your mom is feeding the therapist a line that you are unstable and in need of monitoring when you have that baby. The therapist's insistence that you cannot manage your two other children when you have the third is really weird - especially since you said that your mother had previously accused you of child abuse. I would definitely cutoff contact with the therapist.

This. I WOULD report the therapist about the texts, if only to CYA and have a paper trail when your Mom manipulates the therapist into a CPS call or something equally horrific.

[Harriet Vane]

I would not return to sender. Interaction with a person like I think Mom is = desire to interact.

 

Yes, even a "return to sender" in the mind of someone manipulatively unwell and without boundaries is *content* on which they can build a case.

It is ambiguous if you don't acknowledge the letter at all and probably safer.

 

Liking this just isn't enough. Have to say :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Kathryn]

While I agree with the above, it sounds to me like your mom is feeding the therapist a line that you are unstable and in need of monitoring when you have that baby. The therapist's insistence that you cannot manage your two other children when you have the third is really weird - especially since you said that your mother had previously accused you of child abuse. I would definitely cutoff contact with the therapist.

 

I do believe this is occurring. I find her repeated insistence that I'm incapable of handling three children odd and that explanation would be totally in line with how my mother operates.

[Seasider]

Kathryn, I suggest that you take whatever proactive measures necessary to protect your children, even if emotionally you'd rather just disengage. I'm afraid for you, especially as you may be more vulnerable with a newborn. Is it possible that fallacious reports could be made while you are in the midst of delivery that might have CPS intervene? Maybe it's time for you and your husband to solicit some professional legal advice. I can only imagine that your mother's behavior will escalate as the arrival of your baby draws nearer. Unfortunately, it appears she's got a person with credentials "bought in" to her story of your alleged inability to handle the kids, and if the therapist somehow gets involved in making claims, that could increase the mess.

 

I do not mean to cause you undue worry, but your mother seems both unstable and desperate to make contact. Time for you and dh to seriously circle the wagons.

[justasque]

Dear therapist
Thank you for your good wishes regarding me and my baby.  I appreciate your concerns regarding the challenge of the first few weeks with a new baby.  Rest assured that I will have plenty of help from my husband and my circle of friends.  They are very supportive and helpful; me, the baby, and our family will be in good hands.  
As I mentioned previously, I am going to stop coming to therapy sessions with you, and stop seeing my mother for a time.  I need to focus on my immediate family for a season.  I would appreciate it if you and my mother did not contact me about it, as the situation with my mother is stressful for me and I want to avoid as much stress as possible while my baby is very young.  I will let you and/or my mother know when I am ready to return to working on the relationship, though I anticipate it may be quite some time.  I am sure you will understand my position.  As a mother myself, I must put my children first.  
Thank you again for your good wishes
--me

[Plink]

Report the therapist. If she looses her license it is her own fault. Not yours. It is for the board to decide. Not you. Those who say that an offense this egregious is "not enough" to endanger a therapist's license are minimizing the power of the board. You, random reporter, have no power to decide whether someone looses their license, you only have the power to make sure that the board is well informed.

 

Personally, I'd like to have an informed licensing board, not one that is intentionally kept in the dark to protect those who are acting poorly but "not bad enough." Who wants to go to a slightly lousy therapist? Mildly dangerous? Only kinda' bad at keeping information confidential? Sorta' manipulative? Of course none of us do. That is why professions like this even have a license in the first place.

[fraidycat]

Kathryn, I suggest that you take whatever proactive measures necessary to protect your children, even if emotionally you'd rather just disengage. I'm afraid for you, especially as you may be more vulnerable with a newborn. Is it possible that fallacious reports could be made while you are in the midst of delivery that might have CPS intervene? Maybe it's time for you and your husband to solicit some professional legal advice. I can only imagine that your mother's behavior will escalate as the arrival of your baby draws nearer. Unfortunately, it appears she's got a person with credentials "bought in" to her story of your alleged inability to handle the kids, and if the therapist somehow gets involved in making claims, that could increase the mess.

 

I do not mean to cause you undue worry, but your mother seems both unstable and desperate to make contact. Time for you and dh to seriously circle the wagons.

:iagree:

 

Definitely. CYA The patient-therapist relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy, in that the therapist is doing your mentally-ill mother's bidding. "Don't cut off your nose..." NOT the words of a healthy NEUTRAL third party. And it's frightening that she has "credentials" that might get a false claim taken more seriously.

 

Please do whatever is necessary to protect your family.

[Alexigail]

Hugs and prayers, Kathryn.  

 

Honestly?  I think it's time to get some legal advice.  If you suspect that this is a way to build a case against you, I would be proactive about it.  Find someone who deals with this kind of thing and figure out what is the best thing to do. 

 

I'm going to say, gently, that going to these therapy sessions has probably "opened a door" in your mother's mind.  You may need to be explicit and say that you no longer want any contact from the therapist or from your mother.  But I would probably talk to someone first to see what the laws are.  

 

In the meantime, I hope you're able to find time to relax a bit and enjoy some time with your kids.

[Truscifi]

Dear therapist

Thank you for your good wishes regarding me and my baby.  I appreciate your concerns regarding the challenge of the first few weeks with a new baby.  Rest assured that I will have plenty of help from my husband and my circle of friends.  They are very supportive and helpful; me, the baby, and our family will be in good hands.  

As I mentioned previously, I am going to stop coming to therapy sessions with you, and stop seeing my mother for a time.  I need to focus on my immediate family for a season.  I would appreciate it if you and my mother did not contact me about it, as the situation with my mother is stressful for me and I want to avoid as much stress as possible while my baby is very young.  I will let you and/or my mother know when I am ready to return to working on the relationship, though I anticipate it may be quite some time.  I am sure you will understand my position.  As a mother myself, I must put my children first.  

Thank you again for your good wishes

--me

 

I would definitely not send something like this. It is not your responsibility to justify your actions to this person, and the bolded in particular could be misconstrued as some sort of admission that you can't handle stress or a new baby.

 

I would report the therapist.

[CAMom]

And I just got the mail and there's a letter from my mother. Open it or return to sender?

 

This is speaking as someone who knows crazy mothers (and mothers-in-law)...

 

I would open it and read it. With the stuff she's pulled, you need to know if she's up to something damaging. If there is a threat contained within, you need to know how to prepare yourself and your family.

 

:grouphug:

[foxbridgeacademy]

Yep.  This.  Totally this.  I've had zero contact with my mother for 2 1/2 years and it's been fantastic.  

We haven't spoken to DH's mother in over 10 years(totally his choice), who knew life could be this stress-free.  

[Joanne]

Dear therapist

Thank you for your good wishes regarding me and my baby.  I appreciate your concerns regarding the challenge of the first few weeks with a new baby.  Rest assured that I will have plenty of help from my husband and my circle of friends.  They are very supportive and helpful; me, the baby, and our family will be in good hands.  

As I mentioned previously, I am going to stop coming to therapy sessions with you, and stop seeing my mother for a time.  I need to focus on my immediate family for a season.  I would appreciate it if you and my mother did not contact me about it, as the situation with my mother is stressful for me and I want to avoid as much stress as possible while my baby is very young.  I will let you and/or my mother know when I am ready to return to working on the relationship, though I anticipate it may be quite some time.  I am sure you will understand my position.  As a mother myself, I must put my children first.  

Thank you again for your good wishes

--me

 

I would not support sending this.

 

I would send something like this:

 

Dear Therapist,

 

Contacting me by text with content including my personal life and my family is inappropriate. In your position of power and authority, such texts are outside of the ethical use of power.

Do not contact me again.

[FO4UR]

I'd open and read the letter, but not respond.

 

I'd send a letter to the therapist, combining Joanne's and Justasque's messages.  Make a copy of that letter to keep.

 

I'd talk to a lawyer about your mother's past abuses, and any threats regarding calling CPS or accusing you of being an unfit mother. Keep every shred of evidence that she is unstable and making unwarranted accusations, the therapist's messages included.

 

 

[Laurie4b]

Re: letter from your mom, have a friend read it and summarize anything she thinks you need to know. Then file for evidence.

 

For the therapist: I used to work as a therapist and this is so many ways unprofessional.

I would respond as justaske suggested. That gets rid of drama.

 

Then, report it to the social work licensing board in your state. You do not have to tell her you're reporting her and you should not, as she doesn't have appropriate boundaries anyway. If she tells your mom you've reported her,  I suspect she would be in much deeper doo-doo.

 

ETA: What I would report is the fact that the text was sent to a third party. Her reaction should have been horror when she realized her mistake and profuse apologies. She should have asked the other woman to keep what she learned confidential. Honestly, she shouldn't have been texting you period.

 

Then I would give them the texts themselves. The board will know what is wrong with them even without the background, but you should give background in this case as well.

[Rivka]

I want to thank you all for offering your thoughts. I've been uneasy about the situation with this therapist from the beginning, for many of the reasons mentioned. I don't feel that she has an adequate grasp on the situation and it seems that her goal is reconciliation when I've repeatedly stated that that won't happen until a lot of issues are, if not resolved, appropriately addressed and looking toward resolution. All I've gotten from my mother are denial that events occurred or excuses as to how she didn't understand how inappropriately she behaved. The therapist has mentioned to me several times that her specialty is trauma recovery and she has had to consult with others on this because she doesn't really understand where my mom is coming from. I think she's way out of her league here.

Yeah, this is a really good example of why therapists shouldn't practice outside their areas of competence. It's so easy for even an experienced therapist to get sucked in to thinking, "But this person really needs my help... It's not my area, but I bet I can still do something." It sounds like she's trying to fit all of your mother's self-pitying stories about how you and others have wronged her into her "this is how I help someone who has suffered" trauma paradigm... with predictably awful results.

 

I have a Ph.D. and years of supervised experience, but there are some cases I'm not qualified to treat. The Maryland Psychological Association has a practitioners' mailing list that is almost completely taken up with long-practicing, experienced clinical psychologists saying "Can anyone recommend someone who is experienced and skilled with X kind of client?" There's no shame in it.

 

I don't know about the ethics code for this therapist's discipline, but the psychologists' code of ethics is very clear: if you accidentally took a case you turn out not be qualified to handle, you have an ethical obligation to transfer the case to someone who CAN handle it appropriately. There is nothing wrong with seeking consultation from a peer, but if you are having to admit to your client's daughter that you don't get what's going on, you are failing in your duty to respect the limits of your competence.

[Joanne]

 

I have a Ph.D. and years of supervised experience, but there are some cases I'm not qualified to treat. The Maryland Psychological Association has a practitioners' mailing list that is almost completely taken up with long-practicing, experienced clinical psychologists saying "Can anyone recommend someone who is experienced and skilled with X kind of client?" There's no shame in it.

 

I don't know about the ethics code for this therapist's discipline, but the psychologists' code of ethics is very clear: if you accidentally took a case you turn out not be qualified to handle, you have an ethical obligation to transfer the case to someone who CAN handle it appropriately. There is nothing wrong with seeking consultation from a peer, but if you are having to admit to your client's daughter that you don't get what's going on, you are failing in your duty to respect the limits of your competence.

 

Referral protocol and range of practice is a huge part of my licenses' ethics training and professional orientation. It was a huge part of the licensing exams as well.

As a personal example, I don't feel qualified to treat eating disorders, so I refer out. I frankly wish more LPCs and LMFTs would refer substance abuse cases.

[momacacia]

Read the letter for lite still legal issues that need addressing, as suggested above. Then file it for a case against her in case it's needed later. Your detective now, defending yourself and your family, not a daughter. Crazy toxic people can find other people to put up with their stuff. You don't have to just because she happens to be your mother.

[hillfarm]

I think I would send a certified letter something like this:

 

Dear Therapist,

 

I was quite surprised to receive the text message you sent on May 1, 2014. I am not a client, texts are a very unsecure method of communication, you have repeatedly stated that you are unfamiliar with treating the issues involved, and I am concerned about a potential breach of confidentiality.

 

While I appreciate your concern, I am hereby requesting that you refrain from contacting me in any manner from now on.

 

Thank you,

Kathryn the Brave

 

I wouldn't necessarily report her to her licensing authorities at this time. If she tried to contact you again I would report her instantly. (I might be lenient if she did send a short apology note with nothing personal about you or your mother. But that would be it.)

[dirty ethel rackham]

I would not support sending this.

 

I would send something like this:

 

Dear Therapist,

 

Contacting me by text with content including my personal life and my family is inappropriate. In your position of power and authority, such texts are outside of the ethical use of power.

Do not contact me again.

:iagree: :iagree: Do not send a sweet, wishy-washy letter.  Joanne's example is firm and direct. 

 

I would report her only so that the licensing board has information to make appropriate decisions regarding her license.  Who knows how many other people she has been inappropriate with?  If it is a pattern, the licensing board can take care of it.  If it is a one-time lapse in judgement, then they are likely to simply put it in her file. 

[gardenmom5]

 

 

And I have one more piece of advice, not that you asked for this particular piece, and it is somewhat related to the previous thread you linked to:  

Stop telling your kids that your mother does these wacko things because she loves them or you.  This is not love, and it is confusing to kids to be told that it is.

 

 They need to know what love is so they can trust it and not become cynical about it.  

 

Tell them that your mom is broken and doesn't know how to love, that you are distancing yourself so that the brokenness doesn't break them or you.  

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[JuanitaL]

Report the therapist. If she looses her license it is her own fault. Not yours. It is for the board to decide. Not you. Those who say that an offense this egregious is "not enough" to endanger a therapist's license are minimizing the power of the board. You, random reporter, have no power to decide whether someone looses their license, you only have the power to make sure that the board is well informed.

 

Personally, I'd like to have an informed licensing board, not one that is intentionally kept in the dark to protect those who are acting poorly but "not bad enough." Who wants to go to a slightly lousy therapist? Mildly dangerous? Only kinda' bad at keeping information confidential? Sorta' manipulative? Of course none of us do. That is why professions like this even have a license in the first place.

 

Agreed. Report. She also violated your mother's privacy when she included the other party in her text. The major hospital + their physician market where I am have a strict no-text policy for any patient information. Ideally she will self-report.

 

Don't enable the counselor by allowing her to continue to break patient confidentiality.

 

[Butter]

Wow.  That's all kinds of inappropriate.  I agree with the people saying report.

[Greta]

:grouphug: Kathryn.  You've gotten a lot of great advice here and I don't have much to add.  But I wanted to say that you have my sympathy, and more understanding than I would have been capable of giving ten years ago.  My best friend's mother sounds so much like yours.  I never would have believed the things she was capable of when I first knew her.  She seemed a little odd, but very nice at first.  It's been quite a learning experience, discovering who she truly is.

 

First of all, her mother tried every trick imaginable and then some to get back into my friend's life.  But my friend stood firm and didn't give in to any of them.  

 

Secondly, her mother is a master at making everyone think that SHE is the victim.  I think your mother has done that with this therapist as well.

 

I would send the letter to the therapist just as Joanne recommended.  And I would have your husband or a close trusted friend who really understands the situation read the letter that your mother sent, and tell you about the contents ONLY if you really need to know them.  Then put the letter away.  Don't respond to it.  Don't return it to her.  

 

If my friend's experience is relevant to yours, the only thing you can do is disengage.  

[Kathryn]

And I have one more piece of advice, not that you asked for this particular piece, and it is somewhat related to the previous thread you linked to:   Stop telling your kids that your mother does these wacko things because she loves them or you.  This is not love, and it is confusing to kids to be told that it is.  They need to know what love is so they can trust it and not become cynical about it.   Tell them that your mom is broken and doesn't know how to love, that you are distancing yourself so that the brokenness doesn't break them or you.  She might be doing the best she can, but it's not love.  Not yet, anyway.  

 

Don't worry on that front! My 4yo doesn't even remember her now. She never spent much time with him at all. She showed a very clear preference for my older son. When he sees pictures of her, he can't identify her. My 8yo talked less and less about what happened as time went on, but we made it clear that we cut contact not because of him or me, but because of her and her problems, that she was unstable and confused and until she was safe for us to be around, that we weren't going to be around her. He hasn't talked about her in months.

 

[texasmama]

I don't know about the ethics code for this therapist's discipline, but the psychologists' code of ethics is very clear: if you accidentally took a case you turn out not be qualified to handle, you have an ethical obligation to transfer the case to someone who CAN handle it appropriately. There is nothing wrong with seeking consultation from a peer, but if you are having to admit to your client's daughter that you don't get what's going on, you are failing in your duty to respect the limits of your competence.

I have the equivalent license in another state, and our code of ethics includes not practicing outside one's areas of competence. 

 

My concern about this particular therapist is that her boundaries are so poor that she is not competent to treat any clients.  I know that is strongly worded, but it is my "gut" on it.  This is either a newbie mistake (which we have ruled out according to OP's information of how long she has been in practice) or gross incompetence.  After 13 years of private practice, this is gross incompetence, IMO.

[lavender's green]

Let your DH screen it and put it away in case there's crazy to be documented to protect your family.

 

:iagree:

 

DH and I did this last year when my pregnancy suddenly became difficult and I had to keep life as stress-free as possible.  Funny how that's always when the upsetting letters and calls come. ;)  Anyway, it worked like a charm.

[StephanieZ]

I think I would send a certified letter something like this:

 

Dear Therapist,

 

I was quite surprised to receive the text message you sent on May 1, 2014. I am not a client, texts are a very unsecure method of communication, you have repeatedly stated that you are unfamiliar with treating the issues involved, and I am concerned about a potential breach of confidentiality.

 

While I appreciate your concern, I am hereby requesting that you refrain from contacting me in any manner from now on.

 

Thank you,

Kathryn the Brave

 

I wouldn't necessarily report her to her licensing authorities at this time. If she tried to contact you again I would report her instantly. (I might be lenient if she did send a short apology note with nothing personal about you or your mother. But that would be it.)

 

 

I like this response best. In fact, I would send it Certified Return Receipt, and save a copy of the letter along with the receipt/proof of mailing.

 

The certified letter lets her know she is on your radar and you are collecting evidence . . .  I bet she'll keep her distance after that.

 

And, personally, I'd totally report her to her board. Totally. And, I am not a big proponent of messing with ppl's licenses, but this is just creepy and bad! If she makes contact after you send the letter, then totally report her!

 

I agree with all who are fearful of your mother and this therapist making trouble for you and your family. Personally, I'd never, ever let someone anywhere near me after they had threatened my family's safety (by calling CPS inappropriately). I'd cut that boil off your butt, and never have ANY contact whatsoever again. Period. 

 

[myfunnybunch]

Report the therapist. If she looses her license it is her own fault. Not yours. It is for the board to decide. Not you. Those who say that an offense this egregious is "not enough" to endanger a therapist's license are minimizing the power of the board. You, random reporter, have no power to decide whether someone looses their license, you only have the power to make sure that the board is well informed.

 

Personally, I'd like to have an informed licensing board, not one that is intentionally kept in the dark to protect those who are acting poorly but "not bad enough." Who wants to go to a slightly lousy therapist? Mildly dangerous? Only kinda' bad at keeping information confidential? Sorta' manipulative? Of course none of us do. That is why professions like this even have a license in the first place.

 

This too. Another million times.

 

The act of sending a text, and even accidentally sending it to the wrong person, could be someone who is new to technology and its uses, and lack of understanding of inappropriate ways to use it.

 

The content of the messages and the therapist's willingness to act as an unsolicited (on your part) go-between to try to convince you to allow your mother to help care for your children is disturbing and inappropriate in itself. When I read the messages, I found myself wondering about the likelihood of your mother getting hold of the therapist's phone, that's how "off" they seem to me.

 

The two together, breach of confidentiality by text and the content of the messages that clearly do not acknowledge or respect your boundaries, warrant a report. The licensing board gets to decide what to do with that information.

 

Hugs, hugs, hugs. I am sorry you're having to deal with this, especially now.

 

Cat

[abba12]

Wow, so many issues

 

Firstly, therapists NEED to recognize their areas of competency. When I needed to be transferred to private care last year my (amazing) therapist and I did all the work we could to try and ensure we found a suitable therapist for my issues. Turned out she 'stretched the truth' repeatedly. Due to the nature of my situation I was unable to step out at the first signs of problems, and it took 3 months (and the undoing of years of work) before my husband stepped in and announced I would no longer be going, and cut us off. (he didn't overstep his bounds, he absolutely made the right call, he didn't know exactly what was happening in therapy but I had regressed back to hearing voices, frequent flashbacks and some other awful stuff as a direct result of her ignoring what I said and experienced and pre-judging what she thought was going on, and being inflexible to change her perspective or treatment plan based on anything I said, even when her 'help' was directly opposite of what I told her was helpful and was doing exactly what I told her before we began would not work for me and would make things work. Sigh). This therapist is obviously working outside of what she knows and as such is probably making things worse, and telling your mother everything your mother wants to hear, so at this point I see no way in which you can continue any type of helpful communication with her. No therapy sessions will help if she doesn't understand your mothers crazy.

 

Secondly, as far as I am concerned, these few sentences are beyond unprofessional

" You know the children will be safe. I spend two days babysitting with two last week and I'm still exhausted.

Whatever your choices, you have to take care of you and the baby and that will be too much when you first have her!"

 

There are so many things wrong with that piece of text. Is she giving a professional assurance your kids will be safe with your mum? Or is she just belittling your emotions and concerns by dismissing them and saying deep down you know there's nothing wrong? What does her inability to cope with babysitting two strangers children have to do with your ability to parent your 3 children? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Also, lets remember she was probably exhausted because she's in her 60s and not had to chase kids in 20+ years if ever! And does she know for a fact that it WILL be too much for you to take care of everyone when the baby is first born? Cause that's what she's saying. Interesting since I assume she's never met your kids. Plenty of women manage everything when a new baby comes, how dare she say that it WILL be too much for you with such certainty like that? And all up, what business is it of hers how you manage your kids, or what support you have available to you? This whole section of text makes me sick and it alone would be enough for me to advise no longer dealing with her. 

 

As for whether to open the letter, what I do is give it to my husband, and he will read it. He gives it to me if it's mostly safe, summarizes if it's not, and says I needn't worry about it if it's nothing but crap (though I am usually too curious by then to leave it at that and insist on a summary). Definitely don't return to sender without someone reading or copying it, you need to know if there's anything genuinely important in there and have evidence if things ever escalated.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I suppose I should be grateful my crazy, possibly NPD mother has cut me off altogether. Not a word from her in 4 years, maybe better than what you're going through!

[Juniper]

I have nothing to add, but support. ((((((Hugs dear one))))) I am facing a similar situation, but thankfully have my own therapist separate from mommy dearest.

[LMD]

And I just got the mail and there's a letter from my mother. Open it or return to sender?

 

Oh good God!  I would let my DH open it... that's what I did with the last letter my mother sent me.  I couldn't not know, it was stressing me out just being in the house, but I couldn't bear to read it myself either...

 

:grouphug:   That sounds so tough.

 

 

I would be livid if I received those texts, I probably would report.

[LMD]

While I agree with the above, it sounds to me like your mom is feeding the therapist a line that you are unstable and in need of monitoring when you have that baby. The therapist's insistence that you cannot manage your two other children when you have the third is really weird - especially since you said that your mother had previously accused you of child abuse. I would definitely cutoff contact with the therapist.

 

Yes this.  Quite frankly, I'd be frightened...

[Slartibartfast]

Are you sure this is a real therapist who went to school and has a license? 

 

 

I have a hard time believing a therapist would behave in such a manner. There are probably crackpots in any profession but I would double check that she is who she says she is. 

 

I would call the state to confirm she is licensed.

[OnTheBrink]

I'm fairly sure that therapist violated HIPAA with her texts to the other person, accidental or not. Given this is all mental health issues, she "released" highly confidential info without an authorization to do so. I don't know about how that works with texts, but holy moly, I'm about to hyperventilate just thinking about the implications this would/could have on her. Egads. 

 

I'd report her to whatever licensing board she's registered under. At the very least she's HIGHLY inappropriate. Good heavens. She's a nutjob!

[jelbe5]

As a therapist I agree with others here - the behavior of this therapist is completely unprofessional. You have already explained why you are not continuing. Report this individual. There are no boundaries here and your mother has manipulated this therapist.

 

Unfortunately there are those in the profession who have issues and should not be in practice. I have seen it with my own eyes.

 

I was thinking the same thing a pp said - I wonder if your mother is trying to build a case against you and bring this "professional" in to the drama and on to her side. From hearing how this therapist is behaving I am afraid it may be working. Consider cutting all ties at once and think carefully about responding. Legal counsel might be a good idea. Be careful because if you just disengage there is a good chance the crazy will escalate in an effort to elicite a response. I am so sorry . . . this is just unbelievable and, in my opinion, speaks volumes about the manipulativeness and psychopathology of your mother.

[texasmama]

Are you sure this is a real therapist who went to school and has a license? 

 

 

I have a hard time believing a therapist would behave in such a manner. There are probably crackpots in any profession but I would double check that she is who she says she is. 

 

I would call the state to confirm she is licensed.

In Texas, every social worker with a license is listed on the licensing board website along with the license they hold so this information could easily be checked out.  Good idea.

[texasmama]

Unfortunately there are those in the profession who have issues and should not be in practice. I have seen it with my own eyes.

Absolutely.  One of the recent cases I have been aware of personally was a therapist who offered to barter a massage for therapy from a client who was a massage therapist.  She did eventually lose her license.  Some people do not need to be practicing.

[Kathryn]

In Texas, every social worker with a license is listed on the licensing board website along with the license they hold so this information could easily be checked out. Good idea.

She's on the state licensing website. I checked yesterday.