Need advice dealing with estranged mother's therapist

[Kathryn]

I cut off contact with my mother last year. There is a long history there, but her crazy always affected me and didn't really involve the children. Last year, following my miscarriage (she always does something when I have some big event, but it's usually more like when my first son was born and *she* couldn't take the stress an my husband had to go take care of *her.*), she accused me of abusing my children and threatened to report me. Again, among many other issues, anytime *I* need help, she makes a huge mess and drama in my life.

Life was so nice and stress-free. Then her parents contacted me and I made the mistake of saying that I'd only consider a relationship with her if she got therapy. Months later, I was contacted by a therapist who said she had met with my mom. I agreed to meet with them every couple of weeks. It turned out that this was not about fixing her, but about trying to get back in my life. All of my issues with her have been blamed away by her claiming to have Aspergers (no diagnosis, my son is HFA, and she has a history of "stealing" other people's diagnoses) and I, therefore, just hae to deal with it. I'm not willing to do that, and I don't believe it anyway.

So, a month and a half ago, after dealing with the stress of this in my life again and developing pregnancy complications, I told the therapist that I wasn't going to be able to meet for a while.

Two weeks ago, she texted me, and apparently inadvertently another woman who happens to attend my church:
"Katherine,
You have been in my thoughts
and prayers. Hope you and the baby are doing well.
With two other little ones its hard, I know.
I asked your mom to honour your requests so as far as I know, she has not been in touch with you.
She was extremely concerned when I gave her your message.
I did receive a txt from her asking me to
tell you that she would help
you in any way
that you needed help. Just let her know and she will be there.
I think everyone knows that you and your mom still need clear boundaries but
in this moment if you need to
Call a truce to
use her support to get
needed help, she says she will be there.
Tale care."

I did not respond (but the other woman did). This morning, she (ETA: the therapist) sent me this:
"Just want you to know that you and baby girl are in my thoughts. Hope you are feeling
good and doing well.
Your mother understands that you dont feel like things are resolved and you can welcome her in with open arms. Dont cut off your nose to spite your face. You may need the help with three little ones for a few days. You know the children will be safe. I spend two days babysitting with two last week and I'm still exhausted.
Whatever your choices, you have to take care of you and the baby and that will be too
Much when you first have her! Have a plan and a back up plan in place for two to three weeks"

I am really pissed off. I think this is extremely rude. She knows the history; she knows what my mother does. I have plenty of people who want to actually help me and not my make my life more difficult. The implication that I will or should excuse everything she's done so that she can come sit on my couch and make a mess for me to clean up is insulting.

Would you say anything? What would you say?

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug:

 

I would say as little as possible.  I would want to tell her to piss off, but you should word it nicer.  Tell her no thank-you, and to stop contacting you.  You do not need the stress. 

 

I'm sorry.  The whole situation sounds bad.  I would stay away. 

[catz]

I would find a way to block her texts and move on.  What a nut job. 

[Mandylubug]

yeah. I would pretend I didn't read those texts. I would just delete from my phone and move on with my day. Sorry you are dealing with crazy.

[Dana]

I did not respond (but the other woman did). This morning, she sent me this:

"Just want you to know that you and baby girl are in my thoughts. Hope you are feeling

good and doing well.

Your mother understands that you dont feel like things are resolved and you can welcome her in with open arms. Dont cut off your nose to spite your face. You may need the help with three little ones for a few days. You know the children will be safe. I spend two days babysitting with two last week and I'm still exhausted.

Whatever your choices, you have to take care of you and the baby and that will be too

Much when you first have her! Have a plan and a back up plan in place for two to three weeks"

 

I am really pissed off. I think this is extremely rude. She knows the history; she knows what my mother does. I have plenty of people who want to actually help me and not my make my life more difficult. The implication that I will or should excuse everything she's done so that she can come sit on my couch and make a mess for me to clean up is insulting.

 

Would you say anything? What would you say?

I'm not entirely clear who the second text is from...the other woman or her therapist.

Regardless, the fact that the therapist sent a text to someone other than you, I'd check into reporting her to the licensing board.

[Joanne]

Wait a minute - the therapist texted you that?

What kind of therapist? What licensing? Did you sign any papers?

 

1. This is inappropriate

2. I would tell the texter to not contact you again, period

3. The words, manipulativeness, and assumptions in the text are very inappropriate and unprofessional

[Aiden]

Is there a professional ethics concern with this therapist copying (accidentally or not) someone else on a communication concerning issues that have been discussed in therapy (even though not your therapy, but your mother's)? I would address it with the therapist as a severe violation--and probably tell her that I do not welcome further attempts to manipulate me into letting a negative, decidedly anti-helpful influence back into my life at a vulnerable time.

 

As for the other woman, I assume (hope?) her heart is in the right place. I would ignore her response, but be prepared if she brings it up with a polite reply along the lines of "Thanks for your concern but I have the help I need/I have the situation under control." If she is persistent, "I do appreciate your concern, but this is a private matter within my family." And if she's still persistent after that, "I have tried to be polite, but now I just need you to know that you were included in that message by mistake, and I have addressed that problem with [therapist], as it was a violation of my and my mother's privacy. This situation does not concern you, and I will not be talking to you about it any more."

 

ETA: Ok, I see further down that church lady apparently responded appropriately, and this is all therapist. I'd send her a text and tell her that I find her manipulativeness and lack of professionalism highly concerning, and that she is not to contact you again. If she contacts you again after that, I'd look into reporting her to her licensing organization, assuming she's licensed. I'd actually report her anyway for including church lady in the initial message.

[zoobie]

What the heck kind of "therapist" is that??? I'd be tempted to report her to the appropriate licensing board, but I am guessing she's not licensed.

 

She's sharing privileged communications with unknown third parties AND violating boundaries. I would reply something like "X, this communication appears highly unprofessional. Not only are you violating my clearly stated boundaries, you are sharing privileged communications with outside parties. Please stop contacting me.

 

Church lady, this is a personal family matter. Thank you for respecting my privacy."

 

Ok, so that's much nicer and less legalistic than what I likely would say, but if Church Lady is a giant gossip, less is better. (And I'd save screen shots to report her.)

[Kathryn]

I'm not entirely clear who the second text is from...the other woman or her therapist.

Regardless, the fact that the therapist sent a text to someone other than you, I'd check into reporting her to the licensing board.

Both texts I posted here are from the therapist. The first text was sent to me and another woman with the same first name, but spelled differently. I happen to know this woman as she goes to my church. That woman responded, telling the therapist that she thought she had the wrong person. The therapist then responded, getting all chatty about how she hadn't seen her in a while and what was she up to. If the other woman replied, she took it private because that was the last I heard of that whole conversation. I did not respond to it at all.

 

ETA: the second text I posted here was from the therapist to just me and received this morning.

[KungFuPanda]

This therapist sounds sketchy.

[Tiberia]

"Thank you for your concern. Please don't contact me again."

 

If she continues, complain to her board/overseers/group.

[Kathryn]

Wait a minute - the therapist texted you that?

 

What kind of therapist? What licensing? Did you sign any papers?

 

1. This is inappropriate

2. I would tell the texter to not contact you again, period

3. The words, manipulativeness, and assumptions in the text are very inappropriate and unprofessional

Yes, she texted me that. I don't recall ever having signed anything. I am not her patient. I just showed up to the appointments. These are the letters after her name on her LinkedIn profile: MED, MSW, LISW-CP, CACII, EMDR CONSULTANT.

[Dana]

Yes, she texted me that. I don't recall ever having signed anything. I am not her patient. I just showed up to the appointments. These are the letters after her name on her LinkedIn profile: MED, MSW, LISW-CP, CACII, EMDR CONSULTANT.

Report her.

[myfunnybunch]

Wait a minute - the therapist texted you that?

 

What kind of therapist? What licensing? Did you sign any papers?

 

1. This is inappropriate

2. I would tell the texter to not contact you again, period

3. The words, manipulativeness, and assumptions in the text are very inappropriate and unprofessional

This, a million times.

[PrincessMommy]

sounds like your mom got a friend of hers to be her therapist?.  I would definitely ask her to stop texting you... and I'd tell her you'll be checking into the appropriate authorities to report her.    She is way out of line.

[Mergath]

The therapist is way out of line.  I'd tell her not to contact you again, and that you'll report her if she does.  She sounds like a nut.

[AmandaVT]

MSW is Masters of Social Work and if she has a license to practice therapy it should have an L before it. LMSW. My husband is a therapist (LCMHC) and I feel like he would lose his license if he ever sent a text like that! Those texts are manipulatively worded and not at all professional. Time to block and possibly threaten (or actually) report her. 

[Jan in SC]

I would tell the therapist not to contact you again and then I would report her. I would print out copies of the text where she continued the conversation with a a random third party.

[mathnerd]

Yes, she texted me that. I don't recall ever having signed anything. I am not her patient. I just showed up to the appointments. These are the letters after her name on her LinkedIn profile: MED, MSW, LISW-CP, CACII, EMDR CONSULTANT.

Next time, if she texts you regarding what you "should" do about your mom, please tell the therapist that since you are not her paying customer and since you have not hired her, to please not offer therapy or advise for free! Ofcourse say it in nicer words.

[OneStepAtATime]

Ugh!  I agree with everyone else.  Tell the therapist not to contact you again.  Cut ties.  She is not a professional anything.  Report her if you feel up to it but definitely get out now and don't go back.  She was out of line and manipulative.

[Saddlemomma]

I'm not entirely clear who the second text is from...the other woman or her therapist.

Regardless, the fact that the therapist sent a text to someone other than you, I'd check into reporting her to the licensing board.

 

This!  I agree.  This is a breach of confidentiality.  I'm not as nice as you either. I would probably respond to the therapist stating that her breach undermined my confidence in her ethics and credibility and that I no longer wished to be in contact with her.  Then I would block her email, put it all out of my mind, and take care of myself.

[Mandylubug]

Any chance it is your mom saying she is the therapist? How do you know for certain it is the therapist messaging you?

[Kathryn]

Any chance it is your mom saying she is the therapist? How do you know for certain it is the therapist messaging you?

It's from the therapist's phone number.

[NorthwestMom]

We need Joanne's opinion here.

 

I'd be looking to see to which governing board I could report this "therapist". She is VERY UNPROFESSIONAL. 

[Zebra]

"Thank you for your concern. Please don't contact me again."

 

If she continues, complain to her board/overseers/group.

 

Exactly.

 

People not in this situation (without crazy mothers) never understand.   And the more manipulative your mother is the more likely she is to charm her therapist too.

 

I am so very sorry this is happening.   All you can do is to stop having contact with these people.  If the lady at your church basically stayed out of it, then kudos to her.  I highly doubt your mother is ever going to change, maybe I am overstepping by saying this but I have SOOOOO BTDT.   It sounds like you earnestly tried here, got bit in the butt yet again, and it's time to throw in the towel permanently.    Not that your mother will ever completely leave you alone, but I think trying to explain yourself to these people indicates that you have hope they will understand and change.  So, telling them to not contact you, and ignoring them when they do contact you might be your best course of action at this point.  Give up hope, stop feeling guilty...and if you could do that by snapping your fingers wouldn't it be wonderful :lol:!

 

It is beyond frustrating when you have a charming but mentally ill mother who abuses you in private, and no one outside of the family wants to see it. :grouphug:

[Zebra]

Next time, if she texts you regarding what you "should" do about your mom, please tell the therapist that since you are not her paying customer and since you have not hired her, to please not offer therapy or advise for free! Ofcourse say it in nicer words.

 

I think you said it nicely enough!!!

[Dana]

Sent PM with reporting link.

[aggieamy]

Exactly.

 

People not in this situation (without crazy mothers) never understand.   And the more manipulative your mother is the more likely she is to charm her therapist too.

 

I am so very sorry this is happening.   All you can do is to stop having contact with these people.  If the lady at your church basically stayed out of it, then kudos to her.  I highly doubt your mother is ever going to change, maybe I am overstepping by saying this but I have SOOOOO BTDT.   It sounds like you earnestly tried here, got bit in the butt yet again, and it's time to throw in the towel permanently.    Not that your mother will ever completely leave you alone, but I think trying to explain yourself to these people indicates that you have hope they will understand and change.  So, telling them to not contact you, and ignoring them when they do contact you might be your best course of action at this point.  Give up hope, stop feeling guilty...and if you could do that by snapping your fingers wouldn't it be wonderful :lol:!

 

It is beyond frustrating when you have a charming but mentally ill mother who abuses you in private, and no one outside of the family wants to see it. :grouphug:

 

 

Yep.  This.  Totally this.  I've had zero contact with my mother for 2 1/2 years and it's been fantastic.  

[OneStepAtATime]

And huge hugs, Kathryn.  I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Tammyla]

Those texts are unprofessional and inappropriate from a therapist imo.  I would tell her and block  / ignore her or just block /ignore if you don't feeling like dealing with her.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry you are dealing with the two of them at a difficult time.

[gardenmom5]

some therapists can be remarkably clueless.  as in: unable to comprehend what these behaviors mean in everyday life.  firsthand experience some really "don't get it".

 

I'd say "this is not working, and do not contact me again". 

 

your grandparents/mother's-parents contacted you?  they must be quite old and I would think somewhat vulnerable.

 

 

you realize your mother isn't going to therapy to improve herself.  though, you could find a therapist who does dialectical behavior modification therapy (specifically designed for those with boderline personality disorders) and demand she go to that one, and only that one.  someone with experience with personality disorders will be less likely to be snowed by your mother.

 

 

eta: and I agree with reporting the therapist's unprofessional behavior to any licensing agency with which she is associated.

[Seasider]

Yes, she texted me that. I don't recall ever having signed anything. I am not her patient. I just showed up to the appointments. These are the letters after her name on her LinkedIn profile: MED, MSW, LISW-CP, CACII, EMDR CONSULTANT.

Absolutely report this. A total breech of confidentiality and unprofessional to boot.

 

It also sounds to me like your mom has the therapist snowed.

[Cera]

If she sent the message to you as well as someone else I would think she violated patient confidentiality and would call her on that.  I would simply request that she no longer contact me at all.

[Seasider]

Don't forget to take some screen shots! You may not choose to report her at this time, but you need to store that evidence in case the situation escalates.

[Lanny]

Your thread title says your "mother's therapist" but since you were meeting with them, it becomes more complicated...   I suggest that you tell *both* of them never to contact you again.  You do not need that extra stress in your life.  

[Plink]

I am absolutely mortified that a therapist would act like that. The others have said all that needs to be said: Report the therapist immediately. Block your mom.

 

Hugs and sympathy Kathryn. That must be incredibly violating.

[Kathryn]

some therapists can be remarkably clueless. as in: unable to comprehend what these behaviors mean in everyday life. firsthand experience some really "don't get it".

 

I'd say "this is not working, and do not contact me again".

your grandparents/mother's-parents contacted you? they must be quite old and I would think somewhat vulnerable.

 

 

you realize your mother isn't going to therapy to improve herself. though, you could find a therapist who does dialectical behavior modification therapy (specifically designed for those with boderline personality disorders) and demand she go to that one, and only that one. someone with experience with personality disorders will be less likely to be snowed by your mother.

 

 

eta: and I agree with reporting the therapist's unprofessional behavior to any licensing agency with which she is associated.

Yes, they are in their nineties. They are the only reason I got involved in this in the first place. They have attempted to try to make me feel bad about all this, but I have just ignored their comments about how hard this is on them. If I actually outlined for them why I'm not speaking to their daughter (and the things she's claimed about them over the years!), I expect it would be much harder on them. I'd rather they think badly of me than distress them further with details.

[Joanne]

Reporting is an option. It was absolutely inappropriate. I'm not sure it was a lapse worth impacting a person's license for. However a letter to the therapist indicating the concern and perceived breach is what *I* would do.

 

 

[Angie in VA]

I see at least one therapist has responded on this topic. I'd also send a PM to Laughing Lioness about this. 

 

Not cool at all!

[Dana]

Reporting is an option. It was absolutely inappropriate. I'm not sure it was a lapse worth impacting a person's license for. However a letter to the therapist indicating the concern and perceived breach is what *I* would do.

But you don't know if they already have a couple marks against them. Reporting gives the board info.

[texasmama]

What state?  I don't recognize the licensure, but this person has the same masters degree that I have.  I am curious about the licensure.  If this is a person who is still in training/under supervision as a new therapist, this may be a "newbie error" which needs to be addressed with the therapist. If this person is an independently licensed and practicing therapist, I would personally report this to the licensing board.  It is, IMO, an egregious error.

 

ETA: I did a bit of googling and it appears that in some states, South Carolina, for instance, this is an independently licensed therapist, in which case I would contact the licensing board.  It is difficult to lose one's license, and the board can sanction the therapist or at least give feedback that a complaint was filed and why.  Other people in the general public should be protected from people who are practicing in this manner.

 

(I am an independently licensed practicing clinical social worker/therapist.)

[OneStepAtATime]

Yes, they are in their nineties. They are the only reason I got involved in this in the first place. They have attempted to try to make me feel bad about all this, but I have just ignored their comments about how hard this is on them. If I actually outlined for them why I'm not speaking to their daughter (and the things she's claimed about them over the years!), I expect it would be much harder on them. I'd rather they think badly of me than distress them further with details.

You are a very kind and wonderful granddaughter.  I suspect you are correct.  Dragging up every horrible thing their daughter has done and said will only make this more painful for them.  But this is a terrible burden on you.  So incredibly sorry.... :grouphug:

[Rivka]

Therapist here (licensed psychologist). The texts are inappropriate in content, with their manipulative, guilt-inducing tone. Texting is not an appropriate medium for confidential communications, either, and the fact that she texted her message to a third party as well is proof of that.

 

Beyond all of that, this therapist has shown inappropriate boundaries and a lack of clinical judgment from the beginning. You've been involved in sessions, but you don't have a clearly spelled out therapist-client relationship with her. Your mom is the one who is her client, and whose interest she's trying to further, but she's talking to you as if her recommendations are for your benefit. She's intruding herself into your decision making without you having invited her commentary.

 

I don't necessarily think she needs to lose her license over this, and that wouldn't be your decision anyway, but she sounds like someone who really needs additional clinical supervision. She has lost perspective on this case.

[Kathryn]

What state? I don't recognize the licensure, but this person has the same masters degree that I have. I am curious about the licensure. If this is a person who is still in training/under supervision as a new therapist, this may be a "newbie error" which needs to be addressed with the therapist. If this person is an independently licensed and practicing therapist, I would personally report this to the licensing board. It is, IMO, an egregious error.

 

ETA: I did a bit of googling and it appears that in some states, South Carolina, for instance, this is an independently licensed therapist, in which case I would contact the licensing board. It is difficult to lose one's license, and the board can sanction the therapist or at least give feedback that a complaint was filed and why. Other people in the general public should be protected from people who are practicing in this manner.

 

(I am an independently licensed practicing clinical social worker/therapist.)

South Carolina. From her profile it appears she's been in private practice for 13 years. She appears to be about my mother's age (mid-60s).

[Joanne]

But you don't know if they already have a couple marks against them. Reporting gives the board info.

Exactly why I would not report this; but I don't think reporting is wrong.

[NorthwestMom]

Reporting is an option. It was absolutely inappropriate. I'm not sure it was a lapse worth impacting a person's license for. However a letter to the therapist indicating the concern and perceived breach is what *I* would do.

 

:iagree:

 

All right, I'm changing my advice to agree with Joanne. 

[texasmama]

South Carolina. From her profile it appears she's been in private practice for 13 years. She appears to be about my mother's age (mid-60s).

Absolutely I would report to the licensing board ASAP.

[Kathryn]

I want to thank you all for offering your thoughts. I've been uneasy about the situation with this therapist from the beginning, for many of the reasons mentioned. I don't feel that she has an adequate grasp on the situation and it seems that her goal is reconciliation when I've repeatedly stated that that won't happen until a lot of issues are, if not resolved, appropriately addressed and looking toward resolution. All I've gotten from my mother are denial that events occurred or excuses as to how she didn't understand how inappropriately she behaved. The therapist has mentioned to me several times that her specialty is trauma recovery and she has had to consult with others on this because she doesn't really understand where my mom is coming from. I think she's way out of her league here.

[Kathryn]

I personally would not contact the therapist (if she is a therapist) at all any more, but I'd report her instead. She has already shown she is highly unprofessional. Your mom might freak out if you tell the therapist never to get in touch again, and create some huge drama. 

 

This is what I'm scared of. This is what she did when I cut her out of my life last year: http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/468763-cutting-a-toxic-family-member-out-of-your-life/

[Jean in Newcastle]

The therapist's goal should be to help her client manage her own emotions and behavior, not reconciliation between the two of you.  Reconciliation might come as a result, but the therapist is not a mediator or arbiter.  So right there, the therapist has overstepped boundaries.