Need advice dealing with estranged mother's therapist

[Starr]

Have you seen a therapist yourself to help you sort out your feelings and make a plan?

[Kathryn]

Have you seen a therapist yourself to help you sort out your feelings and make a plan?

No. My plan was to cut off all contact with my mother. That was going really well. That's my plan again. The decision is just what to say/do about her therapist at this point.

[Laurie4b]

As a therapist I agree with others here - the behavior of this therapist is completely unprofessional. You have already explained why you are not continuing. Report this individual. There are no boundaries here and your mother has manipulated this therapist.

 

Unfortunately there are those in the profession who have issues and should not be in practice. I have seen it with my own eyes.

 

I was thinking the same thing a pp said - I wonder if your mother is trying to build a case against you and bring this "professional" in to the drama and on to her side. From hearing how this therapist is behaving I am afraid it may be working. Consider cutting all ties at once and think carefully about responding. Legal counsel might be a good idea. Be careful because if you just disengage there is a good chance the crazy will escalate in an effort to elicite a response. I am so sorry . . . this is just unbelievable and, in my opinion, speaks volumes about the manipulativeness and psychopathology of your mother.

 

This is part of why I believe you should report and not tell the therapist that you are reporting. The proper agency will be involved in evaluating the therapist's behavior and you will be out of the drama.

 

Reporting does not becessarily mean that her license will be taken away. It means getting the appropriate,knowledgeable people involved. A licensing board may take away a license but they can also give a warning, require additional education, require supervision for the therapist, etc. Please do report it, not just to protect you (which I think is necessary) but to protect others as well.

[QueenCat]

This. I WOULD report the therapist about the texts, if only to CYA and have a paper trail when your Mom manipulates the therapist into a CPS call or something equally horrific.

 

I would be very concerned about this possibility.

[Brilliant]

...

I was thinking the same thing a pp said - I wonder if your mother is trying to build a case against you and bring this "professional" in to the drama and on to her side. From hearing how this therapist is behaving I am afraid it may be working. ...

 

 

While I agree with the above, it sounds to me like your mom is feeding the therapist a line that you are unstable and in need of monitoring when you have that baby. The therapist's insistence that you cannot manage your two other children when you have the third is really weird - especially since you said that your mother had previously accused you of child abuse. I would definitely cutoff contact with the therapist.

 

This is what makes me nervous - the therapist obviously believes you are overwhelmed and who knows what else.  Isn't she a mandatory reporter?  I would stay as far away as possible from your mother AND the therapist.

[QueenCat]

This is what makes me nervous - the therapist obviously believes you are overwhelmed and who knows what else.  Isn't she a mandatory reporter?  I would stay as far away as possible from your mother AND the therapist.

 

One more reason for Kathryn to report the therapist NOW, so that it won't look like retaliation for a CPS call.

[Zebra]

One more reason for Kathryn to report the therapist NOW, so that it won't look like retaliation for a CPS call.

I could not agree more!!!

[JuanitaL]

I'm fairly sure that therapist violated HIPAA with her texts to the other person, accidental or not. Given this is all mental health issues, she "released" highly confidential info without an authorization to do so. I don't know about how that works with texts, but holy moly, I'm about to hyperventilate just thinking about the implications this would/could have on her. Egads. 

 

I'd report her to whatever licensing board she's registered under. At the very least she's HIGHLY inappropriate. Good heavens. She's a nutjob!

 

 HIPAA Omnibus Rule - March 2013

[JuanitaL]

This is part of why I believe you should report and not tell the therapist that you are reporting. The proper agency will be involved in evaluating the therapist's behavior and you will be out of the drama.

 

Reporting does not becessarily mean that her license will be taken away. It means getting the appropriate,knowledgeable people involved. A licensing board may take away a license but they can also give a warning, require additional education, require supervision for the therapist, etc. Please do report it, not just to protect you (which I think is necessary) but to protect others as well.

 

Yes!

[brehon]

Please, Please, PLEASE report this therapist!!!! She grossly violated a federal law (and one which the feds take quite seriously!) and has intimated that you either are or will be unable and, worse, incapable of caring for your children, especially after the baby is born.

 

The therapist is mandatory reporter. Based on what you have written here I am scared that she will call CPS on you. It seems like she's been completely bamboozled by your mother. Report her today as a protection for yourself and your kids. And give very *serious* thought about either informing your attorney or retaining legal counsel sooner rather than later.

 

Please don't wait on this. And do NOT (lemme repeat NOT) inform the therapist you're reporting her. You owe her nothing!!! I have to tell you my spidey sense is pinging right now. Please protect your family! Good luck!!

[QueenCat]

The therapist is mandatory reporter. Based on what you have written here I am scared that she will call CPS on you. It seems like she's been completely bamboozled by your mother. Report her today as a protection for yourself and your kids. And give very *serious* thought about either informing your attorney or retaining legal counsel sooner rather than later.

 

Please don't wait on this. And do NOT (lemme repeat NOT) inform the therapist you're reporting her. You owe her nothing!!! I have to tell you my spidey sense is pinging right now. Please protect your family! Good luck!!

 

Please listen to this! Do not even hint to the therapist that you are reporting her. If she calls and you answer the phone, politely, with no hysteria, tell her that your mom is her patient, not you, and that you are well. That's it. Telling her you're thinking about, or have reported her, will send her running for the CPS call faster. You don't need that.

[jelbe5]

At this point it might be good to have your dh read your mother's letter if you have not done so to see if there are any clues as to what she is plotting. I wonder if she talks about her therapist in the letter. Just because the letter is opened and read does not mean you need to respond to her. File it away as possible evidence. But it might contain info that could be helpful in understanding her next move. Unfortunately you need to be five steps ahead of her. I'm so sorry.

[Kathryn]

We did open and read the letter last night. It is all about how she wants to "support" me for the delivery and first few weeks after the baby comes and how her schedule is clear and she knows that I'm still not sure about our relationship but she wants to be here for me.

 

I'm not sure what she doesn't understand about 1. Don't contact me; I don't need or want anything from you, and 2. Every time she is "there" for me, it ends up being way more trouble and work than it was worth.

 

I am being purposely vague online about when baby is coming because I do not want her to find out and cause a hospital scene. I won't be posting anything until baby is home. We have many Facebook friends in common and DH is bummed that we won't be able to announce and post newborn pictures right away, but he agrees that it's what's best.

[Lara in Colo]

Being as her therapist seems to be making assumptions about your home life, this could potentially become an issue if your mother poisons that particular manditory-reporting- watering hole--- KWIM?

 

I would stop all contact with the therapist, and start a diary right now-- write all that has happened up to now with your mother and the therapist and keep reporting in it everything that both do and say.    Stuff like-- why is this woman asking about my baby-- she doesn't know anything about me and I wish she would stop taking my mother's word for why things are bad between us-- I just want my mother to leave us alone so my children don't have to deal with her crazy.

Mother wrote a letter today to offer to help-- this is what happened LAST time---

 

This is to help in case the therapist reports you based on your mother's stories and it helps you to remember that you are right and not the crazy one. 

BTW I have a borderline mother and I know what you are going through.  The few times my mother saw a therapist, our lives got worse because she convinced the therapist that we were mistreating her-- so he gave her techniques to make the children treat her better.

[Greta]

One more reason for Kathryn to report the therapist NOW, so that it won't look like retaliation for a CPS call.

I had not thought of this. This changes my opinion from simply asking her not to contact you, to reporting her.

[Paige]

Are you really sure she's a real therapist? Have you been to the office and talked with staff and seen other patients or other people there call her Mrs So and So? Have you seen a photo with her name by it? The stuff the "therapist" has said seem so bizarre to me that I wonder if this is a person impersonating a real therapist! Obviously, I've seen too much Law & Order, but sometimes the truth really is that strange.

[brehon]

We did open and read the letter last night. It is all about how she wants to "support" me for the delivery and first few weeks after the baby comes and how her schedule is clear and she knows that I'm still not sure about our relationship but she wants to be here for me.

 

I'm not sure what she doesn't understand about 1. Don't contact me; I don't need or want anything from you, and 2. Every time she is "there" for me, it ends up being way more trouble and work than it was worth.

 

I am being purposely vague online about when baby is coming because I do not want her to find out and cause a hospital scene. I won't be posting anything until baby is home. We have many Facebook friends in common and DH is bummed that we won't be able to announce and post newborn pictures right away, but he agrees that it's what's best.

Huge hugs to you. Re: number 1 - stop thinking there's miscommunication happening. There's absolutely not. Your mother is very clear about what your expectations are and fully understands what you have told her. This is manipulation. Re: number 2 - write this in big, bold, black letters & hang it on the fridge, tape it to your mirror, etc as a reminder that you're doing the right thing by not inviting cray-cray back into your life.

[OnTheBrink]

Ok, I checked with one of our privacy specialists today and she said the therapist ABSOLUTELY violated HIPAA. This therapist needs to be reported. 

[Elisabet1]

I cut off contact with my mother last year. There is a long history there, but her crazy always affected me and didn't really involve the children. Last year, following my miscarriage (she always does something when I have some big event, but it's usually more like when my first son was born and *she* couldn't take the stress an my husband had to go take care of *her.*), she accused me of abusing my children and threatened to report me. Again, among many other issues, anytime *I* need help, she makes a huge mess and drama in my life.

 

Life was so nice and stress-free. Then her parents contacted me and I made the mistake of saying that I'd only consider a relationship with her if she got therapy. Months later, I was contacted by a therapist who said she had met with my mom. I agreed to meet with them every couple of weeks. It turned out that this was not about fixing her, but about trying to get back in my life. All of my issues with her have been blamed away by her claiming to have Aspergers (no diagnosis, my son is HFA, and she has a history of "stealing" other people's diagnoses) and I, therefore, just hae to deal with it. I'm not willing to do that, and I don't believe it anyway.

 

So, a month and a half ago, after dealing with the stress of this in my life again and developing pregnancy complications, I told the therapist that I wasn't going to be able to meet for a while.

 

Two weeks ago, she texted me, and apparently inadvertently another woman who happens to attend my church:

"Katherine,

You have been in my thoughts

and prayers. Hope you and the baby are doing well.

With two other little ones its hard, I know.

I asked your mom to honour your requests so as far as I know, she has not been in touch with you.

She was extremely concerned when I gave her your message.

I did receive a txt from her asking me to

tell you that she would help

you in any way

that you needed help. Just let her know and she will be there.

I think everyone knows that you and your mom still need clear boundaries but

in this moment if you need to

Call a truce to

use her support to get

needed help, she says she will be there.

Tale care."

 

I did not respond (but the other woman did). This morning, she (ETA: the therapist) sent me this:

"Just want you to know that you and baby girl are in my thoughts. Hope you are feeling

good and doing well.

Your mother understands that you dont feel like things are resolved and you can welcome her in with open arms. Dont cut off your nose to spite your face. You may need the help with three little ones for a few days. You know the children will be safe. I spend two days babysitting with two last week and I'm still exhausted.

Whatever your choices, you have to take care of you and the baby and that will be too

Much when you first have her! Have a plan and a back up plan in place for two to three weeks"

 

I am really pissed off. I think this is extremely rude. She knows the history; she knows what my mother does. I have plenty of people who want to actually help me and not my make my life more difficult. The implication that I will or should excuse everything she's done so that she can come sit on my couch and make a mess for me to clean up is insulting.

 

Would you say anything? What would you say?

Tell her she is being unprofessional and if she contacts you again, you will report her. Find out what kind of license she has and the agency you would report her through. Then leave it at that. And if she continues to contact you, report her to her licensing agency.

 

(((hugs))) She is being very unprofessional. Try checking out the books "Toxic Parents" and "Toxic Inlaws." She is completely enabling your mother. And if you continue to entertain her insane texts, then you would be enabling her. You are completely in the right to refuse to speak to this "therapist" again! Oh, and if the counselor has a supervisor, then go to the supervisor too.

[Moxie]

As others have stated, my main concern would be that your mother will use this woman to get you in trouble with CPS.  I would report her just so there is a paper trail in your favor. 

[Slartibartfast]

We did open and read the letter last night. It is all about how she wants to "support" me for the delivery and first few weeks after the baby comes and how her schedule is clear and she knows that I'm still not sure about our relationship but she wants to be here for me.

 

I'm not sure what she doesn't understand about 1. Don't contact me; I don't need or want anything from you, and 2. Every time she is "there" for me, it ends up being way more trouble and work than it was worth.

 

I am being purposely vague online about when baby is coming because I do not want her to find out and cause a hospital scene. I won't be posting anything until baby is home. We have many Facebook friends in common and DH is bummed that we won't be able to announce and post newborn pictures right away, but he agrees that it's what's best.

 

You could put all your friends into a group but not her. Then you could post photos and news to the group but she wouldn't see it.

[Kathryn]

You could put all your friends into a group but not her. Then you could post photos and news to the group but she wouldn't see it.

I'm not friends with her. I have her blocked. We have twenty-something friends in common and I don't want one of them to say something to her. Or for me to post and hide it from those twenty-something but then people just post random congratulations on my wall.

[Impish]

Report the therapist. She's violated privacy laws, she's over stepping boundaries, and is practicing in an area that she acknowledges she's incompetant in.

 

God only knows what she's doing w/other paitents. Report, report, report.

 

She's dealing w/vulnerable ppl. That's her job. And the idea that someone is playing free and loose w/privacy? No.

 

Report.

[Carol in Cal.]

This seems extremely dangerous to me.  Get yourself a therapist who can testify to your stability.  Cut off the other one as others have said, and don't wait to do it.  Report them and then cut them off politely.  You cannot afford to look like the crazy one.  Please don't wait on this.  The coils seems to be tightening around you.

[OneStepAtATime]

Just wanted to say  :grouphug: .  

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

:grouphug: All while being pregnant ; that SUCKS.

[Little Women]

If it were me, besides whatever I decided to do about reporting her, I would be inclined to return her email with something like this:   "Thank you for your concern.  I have a great deal of support in a variety of ways and am not at all overwhelmed nor struggling.   I  do not wish to renew ties with my mother at this time.    Since your professional relationship is with her, please leave me out of it.    Thank you." 

[LucyStoner]

Are you positive it is a therapist and not your mother? That's just crazytalk. Ignore whatever it is. Easier said than done.

[fourisenough]

Yep. This. Totally this. I've had zero contact with my mother for 2 1/2 years and it's been fantastic.

Another person here who has finally achieved some peace after over 4 years of no contact with my crazy mother. People like this WILL.NEVER.CHANGE. Move on. Love and enjoy your own family knowing that it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with a profoundly sick person; and, IMHO, no relationship is better than a bad one. You tried!

[Wildcat]

I am not one to report professionals without cause (I never have reported a professional) as messing with one's professional licensing is something not to be taken lightly, but I would report in this instance.

 

As others have said, she crossed boundaries (the oops text is all on her--- someone in her situation dealing with confidentiality and HIPPA should quadruple check that she is contacting the correct person) and is acting more like your mother's friend and less like a detached therapist/uninterested party.

 

That said, she didn't do major harm and if that was the only issue, I wouldn't report it, but based on the rest of the story, I would report strictly as a CYA measure for yourself and your children. You need to have on record that you found the behavior out of line and start documenting things just in case CPS is called. Honestly, I fear for you, based on your post here and the one you linked to from last year.

 

Do you have a relationship with your OB and/or your kids' ped in that they have records on you all? If so, that should help if CPS is called. I have sometimes seen people here on the boards recommend to someone they take their kids in for a 'well check' so the physical well-being of their kids has been documented. I might just do that, as well.

 

As for contact, I would keep it short and simple. I would merely send a 'stop all contact' letter to both the therapist and your mother. Add nothing that can be misconstrued.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Joanne]

I am not one to report professionals without cause (I never have reported a professional) as messing with one's professional licensing is something not to be taken lightly, but I would report in this instance.

 

As others have said, she crossed boundaries (the oops text is all on her--- someone in her situation dealing with confidentiality and HIPPA should quadruple check that she is contacting the correct person) and is acting more like your mother's friend and less like a detached therapist/uninterested party.

 

That said, she didn't do major harm and if that was the only issue, I wouldn't report it, but based on the rest of the story, I would report strictly as a CYA measure for yourself and your children. You need to have on record that you found the behavior out of line and start documenting things just in case CPS is called. Honestly, I fear for you, based on your post here and the one you linked to from last year.

 

Do you have a relationship with your OB and/or your kids' ped in that they have records on you all? If so, that should help if CPS is called. I have sometimes seen people here on the boards recommend to someone they take their kids in for a 'well check' so the physical well-being of their kids has been documented. I might just do that, as well.

 

As for contact, I would keep it short and simple. I would merely send a 'stop all contact' letter to both the therapist and your mother. Add nothing that can be misconstrued.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I agree, and would like to amend my previous opinion that I would not report. OP,  if you haven't already, I would word the concern to the board something like this:

 

Dear Professional Licensing Board,

 

I am writing out of concern regarding the privacy and confidentiality behavior of licensed professional _____________ . I am in receipt of 2 texts from this professional, copied below.

 

I am not a client of this therapist. In addition, one text was sent to a third party, either by mistake or some intentionality I am unaware of. I believe my privacy and my mother's confidentiality rights have been violated by both the action of sending the texts and also the content of the texts quoted below.

 

At an earlier time, I did consent to meeting with my mother and this therapist but it is with my mother that this professional has the informed consent agreement. I believe that these texts represent an egregious breach of protocol.

Additionally, the therapist had reported to me that she has sought counsel and consult regarding my mother's case. This is potentially another layer of confidentiality breach. I am concerned that this therapist has been practicing beyond the scope of her ability and has failed to make appropriate referrals giving my mother access to the best, most appropriate care.

 

Finally, the evaluation of my life context and implied suggestion that my family is somehow at risk is alarming. It is not only inaccurate, but suggests that the therapist considers my family vulnerable and possibly at risk. This has put me in an awkward and vulnerable position. I am forced to act proactively against my mother's possible decisions and the therapist offering active or tacit agreement.

 

If you have any questions, please contact me by (email, phone, letter).

 

[gardenmom5]

 

I'm not sure what she doesn't understand about 1. Don't contact me; I don't need or want anything from you, .

 

"no" is a word that is NOT in their vocabulary.  if anyone uses it or anything that conveys the same general meaning - they do not comprehend.   bluntness is required - followed by action.  re: "do not contact me" and then ignoring all attempts at contact.  (though considering the extent of her games, you need to keep some tabs on what she's up to - but she doesn't need to know you know.)

[Joanne]

"no" is a word that is NOT in their vocabulary.  if anyone uses it or anything that conveys the same general meaning - they do not comprehend.   bluntness is required - followed by action.  re: "do not contact me" and then ignoring all attempts at contact.  (though considering the extent of her games, you need to keep some tabs on what she's up to - but she doesn't need to know you know.)

 

Yes, and any interaction such as repeating "don't contact me" or returning a letter is taken not as boundaries but invitation to discussion and interaction.

[Harriet Vane]

Yes, and any interaction such as repeating "don't contact me" or returning a letter is taken not as boundaries but invitation to discussion and interaction.

 

:iagree: Yes. This. Continued response just keeps the dialogue open and keeps the drama active.

[Slartibartfast]

I agree, and would like to amend my previous opinion that I would not report. OP,  if you haven't already, I would word the concern to the board something like this:

 

Dear Professional Licensing Board,

 

I am writing out of concern regarding the privacy and confidentiality behavior of licensed professional _____________ . I am in receipt of 2 texts from this professional, copied below.

 

I am not a client of this therapist. In addition, one text was sent to a third party, either by mistake or some intentionality I am unaware of. I believe my privacy and my mother's confidentiality rights have been violated by both the action of sending the texts and also the content of the texts quoted below.

 

At an earlier time, I did consent to meeting with my mother and this therapist but it is with my mother that this professional has the informed consent agreement. I believe that these texts represent an egregious breach of protocol.

Additionally, the therapist had reported to me that she has sought counsel and consult regarding my mother's case. This is potentially another layer of confidentiality breach. I am concerned that this therapist has been practicing beyond the scope of her ability and has failed to make appropriate referrals giving my mother access to the best, most appropriate care.

 

Finally, the evaluation of my life context and implied suggestion that my family is somehow at risk is alarming. It is not only inaccurate, but suggests that the therapist considers my family vulnerable and possibly at risk. This has put me in an awkward and vulnerable position. I am forced to act proactively against my mother's possible decisions and the therapist offering active or tacit agreement.

 

If you have any questions, please contact me by (email, phone, letter).

 

 

This is a nice letter. I am going to have you write all my future awkward correspondence. Do you charge for this service?

 

:lol:

[KarenC]

Wait a minute.  Are you saying the therapist told a third party what was going on between you and your mother?  Whoa!  I would be furious!

 

Two weeks ago, she texted me, and apparently inadvertently another woman who happens to attend my church:

 

[JuanitaL]

I am not one to report professionals without cause (I never have reported a professional) as messing with one's professional licensing is something not to be taken lightly, but I would report in this instance.

 

As others have said, she crossed boundaries (the oops text is all on her--- someone in her situation dealing with confidentiality and HIPPA should quadruple check that she is contacting the correct person) and is acting more like your mother's friend and less like a detached therapist/uninterested party.

 

That said, she didn't do major harm and if that was the only issue, I wouldn't report it, but based on the rest of the story, I would report strictly as a CYA measure for yourself and your children.

 

That text could open her up to possible criminal and/or civil charges (HIPAA Omnibus Rule - March 2013). It's more than just checking to make sure you're contacting the correct person, there are other safeguards that are to be followed (encrypting and I can't remember everything else).