Be honest--am I hard to shop for?

[Moxie]

I LOVE giving gifts.  It energizes me to think of special ways to treat my family.  Right now, I'm doing 14 Days of Valentine gifts for DH and the kids and I'm having a lot of fun with it.

 

DH feels bad sometimes because I give many more gifts than I get.  He made a comment to me that I'm "hard to shop for". 

 

Here's my issue--I don't want some generic, thoughtless gift.  If my choices for Valentine's Day are a box of chocolates or nothing, I'll take nothing and be just fine.  Really.  I would rather get no gift then something he picked up at CVS on the way home from work.  To me, that says I'm not worth the effort it takes to put a little thought into it and it annoys me.

 

I really don't think I'm hard to shop for, you just need to put a little bit of thought into it.

 

So, am I too picky?  Be honest!

 

ETA--DH used to give great gifts, he's just gotten lazy as time has gone by, which is fine, it is what it is.  It isn't that he isn't capable.

[Wabi Sabi]

14 days of unique, heartfelt gifts would be hard to shop for, IMO. I personally think I'm a great gift-giver, but if I had to get dh something for 14 days in a row at some point it would veer off into the chocolate from CVS category...

[prairiewindmomma]

I think you appreciate someone understanding you and appreciating you enough to make an effort....nothing wrong with that as long as you are not offended.

 

 

Dh and I came up with a compromise....I have to keep my amazon and Pinterest wish boards up to date. Gift giving isnot a talent for him, but he wants to be able to give me gifts I like.

[Moxie]

14 days of unique, heartfelt gifts would be hard to shop for, IMO. I personally think I'm a great gift-giver, but if I had to get dh something for 14 days in a row at some point it would veer off into the chocolate from CVS category...

No, no, no. I'm not asking for that. That is something I'm doing for them. DH was commenting that he has no idea what to get me for Valentine's Day because I don't like "the normal stuff".

[Amira]

Some people are good at gifts, others aren't- both on the receiving and giving ends. If your dh isn't a good gift-giver, and you want good gifts from him, you're probably going to have to give him some help. It sounds like he feels like he can't meet your standard without it.  I like the pp's idea of keeping wish lists updated. 

 

[Plink]

You probably are hard to shop for, but that isn't bad, it just means that you are an awesome gift giver who enjoys putting a lot of thought into shopping. It speaks to your heart. Unfortunately, the rest of us aren't as focused on giving awesome gifts, so it is easy to get discouraged and give up.

 

Love languages are a tricky thing.

[Moxie]

Some people are good at gifts, others aren't- both on the receiving and giving ends. If your dh isn't a good gift-giver, and you want good gifts from him, you're probably going to have to give him some help. It sounds like he feels like he can't meet your standard without it. I like the pp's idea of keeping wish lists updated.

No. This isn't about liking the gift. It is about the effort to think about a person and what they might like. I gave him a suggestion for my birthday-he went on the Internet, bought it and gave it to me in the package it was shipped in. Honestly, I would have rather gotten nothing because that gift took zero effort. Make sense?

[Amira]

No. This isn't about liking the gift. It is about the effort to think about a person and what they might like. I gave him a suggestion for my birthday-he went on the Internet, bought it and gave it to me in the package it was shipped in. Honestly, I would have rather gotten nothing because that gift took zero effort. Make sense?

Ah.  I'm curious, if he'd wrapped the gift you'd suggested, would that have made a difference? Or is the really important thing having him come up with the idea himself?

[MomatHWTK]

Yeah, I don't think my DH would like shopping for me if my bar was set that high.  You have a specific love language, but understand that those who don't aren't necessarily going to understand why it is so important to you. 

 

ETA:  There are lots of things both DH and I had the energy to do when we had 0, 1 and even 2 children- now with 4, not so much. It ain't lazy, it's just old.  ;)

[plansrme]

I could have written your post, word for word except for the 14 days of Valentine's gifts, but I have done similar for other occasions.  And like you, I would rather get nothing than something that takes no effort.  Flowers for our anniversary?  Don't bother.  Flowers for no occasion?  Bring 'em on.  My husband, like yours, does not get it naturally, but a couple of things have helped.  First, I have intentionally worked with my kids on being good gift-givers.  Gift-giving can be taught like almost everything else.  As a good gift-giver, none of us gets it right every time, but we try really hard and hit it out of the park often enough to make it worthwhile.  Second, after years and years of never giving him ideas for what I would like, on the grounds that I am not difficult to shop for, I compromised and give him classes of gifts from which he could choose.  For Christmas two years ago, I specified that I would like a book(s) selected by my oldest daughter; an item for the kitchen selected by my middle daughter; and an item to wear or something for the house selected by my son (then 8, with shockingly good taste); and from him, an item of jewelry from a specific catalog.  And for the first time ever, they got me awesome gifts!  I read/used/displayed/wore everything I received, with joy.

 

It is not about the money; it is about the effort and thought.  I get you 100%.  

 

ETA:  The point about training my kids is that now that they are older (10-16), they can help him!  He almost always takes one of my kids out with him when he shops for me.  Train him an assistant!

[plansrme]

Yeah, I don't think my DH would like shopping for me if my bar was set that high.  

 

I am not the OP, but I am going to guess that in her mind, the bar ISN'T set high; I have gotten some cruddy but well-considered gifts (no one gets it right every time), and that makes me happier than a gift that required no thought or effort.  Anyone can try; it's the not trying that is hurtful.

[texasmama]

You probably are hard to shop for, but that isn't bad, it just means that you are an awesome gift giver who enjoys putting a lot of thought into shopping. It speaks to your heart. Unfortunately, the rest of us aren't as focused on giving awesome gifts, so it is easy to get discouraged and give up.

 

Love languages are a tricky thing.

This.  I find gift-giving to be a terrible beat down.  (bag over head)  It is not important to me what gift anyone gives me.  I am also in the category of "why buy me anything if it is not something I will like or use" category.  I would seriously rather have nothing and would not be upset.  I wish gifts never had to be given ever for any situation.  (Seriously.)

[Stacia]

Yes, I think you sound hard to shop for. I say that because it sounds like I can sympathize w/ your dh in this situation.

 

I used to enjoy shopping to find just the right gifts for others. Otoh, as I've aged, I've gotten less consumeristic & am less enthusiastic about gift-giving & shopping. At this point in my life, I'd much rather just spend time with the person, going out for a coffee & a good conversation than getting something. (To me, spending time w/ the person is showing love, imo.) I'm just not into spending my time shopping/planning shopping/gifts anymore. It has nothing to do w/ the receiver (& maybe I'm being selfish), but I think there are better ways to spend my time. Maybe your dh is at a similar point?

 

My mom is very hard to buy for. (She thinks she's not.) If she gives me suggestions & I get them, they are often still not right. (Not sure why that is -- maybe you are giving me insight here; maybe she doesn't like that she has to give me ideas?) If I come up w/ something on my own, it is often still not right. (It's not for lack of trying on my part. I spend many angst-ridden hours trying to come up w/ ideas, looking online & spending time in stores & still have a hard time finding anything.) She doesn't outwardly say anything, but body language & the look on her face make things clear. After years of this, it gets pretty discouraging on the part of the gift-giver (me) that the giftee (my mom) doesn't seem to think I've put any effort into things. I have. I do. But, my efforts are obviously very far from what is expected. Perhaps this is the case for you & your dh? Maybe he is putting effort in (&/or doing other things that he considers 'gifting'), but you don't see eye-to-eye on how that process is to take place. If you try for years & the giftee is often not pleased, it gets pretty discouraging to even try... & gifting becomes a chore rather than something done out of love.

 

Just hoping to give some perspective from the side of the (frustrated) gift-giver....

 

ETA: Also, because I spend very little time shopping anymore, I really don't know what 'things' are out there to buy. So, having to go on a gifting quest is often a big quest for me, as I feel like I'm starting from scratch every time I have to do it. Again, to me *that* is putting in a big effort which I think the giftee doesn't see or appreciate.

[G5052]

Anyone can try; it's the not trying that is hurtful.

 

I always tell DH to get me a nice card. He's good at that. Anything more is gravy IMHO. Sometimes there will be more, and sometimes there won't.

 

Frankly it doesn't bother me as long as I get my card! 

[MFG]

Honestly? If someone told me that unless I could read their mind and determine what they thought was sufficiently thoughtful they would rather have nothing? That is exactly what they would get.

[Catwoman]

No. This isn't about liking the gift. It is about the effort to think about a person and what they might like. I gave him a suggestion for my birthday-he went on the Internet, bought it and gave it to me in the package it was shipped in. Honestly, I would have rather gotten nothing because that gift took zero effort. Make sense?

But it wasn't "zero effort."

 

He remembered your birthday. He wanted to get you something that you would really like. He cared enough to ask what you wanted instead of sticking a gift card inside a generic card. He went online, found the exact item you'd requested, and he ordered it for you. He made sure he ordered it in time for your birthday.

 

I'm sorry, but what more did you expect of him?

 

It's very clear that he loves you and that he's trying, so in answer to your original question, I don't think you're too hard to shop for. I just think your expectations are too high and you don't appreciate others' efforts because you would have done things differently -- and I don't think that's fair to your dh. He tries hard to please you, but it's not good enough for you. If he realizes that he tried his best and you're still not satisfied, you're probably hurting his feelings.

[ErinE]

I would find that difficult as I have a hard time finding gifts for other adults. DH, as well, only wants a thoughtful gift. I joke I'm thinking for four people (soon to be five). There's only so much room for thoughts in my head.

 

I also don't like getting things. If I need something, I buy it so more stuff just makes me tired. I'd rather a service done. A clean house, dinner made for me (and the kitchen cleaned), an organized garage. Bliss.

 

A great physical gift for me would be a box of good chocolates that I don't have to share (Godiva's good; Russell Stover, don't even bother). Consumable, and I would never buy it for myself.

[MomatHWTK]

Yeah, I'm an acts of service gal.  Spend that time cleaning up and doing dishes and I'll buy my own gift.  :)

[AK_Mom4]

You said to be honest - so - yes, you are picky.  Youhave set the bar quite high for your DH.  He isn't allowed to pick up an "ordinary" gift.  It has to be something AMAZING and THOUGHTFUL and MEANINGFUL or don't bother.

 

I feel as though I am an expert in this as I also set the bar very high.  I dont want ordinary gifts either because it feels like no one cares enough to pick something out just for ME!  Most years, DH would rather not even shop for me - not because he doesn't like to give me gifts, but because I am so darn hard to please!  Our compromise - I select my own gifts except for my birthday, when he buys me a case of bubble bath. Some years I wrap them so I have something to open, some years I don't (especially if it is electronics and I want to play with it NOW).

 

I had to let go of the idea that gift-giving indicates how DH feels about me (very tough!).

 

[SproutMamaK]

From the sounds of things... sorry to say, but yes, you are hard to shop for. You don't want anything "traditional" - you're asking for a heartfelt gift with tons of thought put into into, on demand, a certain day, and you're asking that it be without you giving him any guidance (because when you showed him exactly what you wanted and he got it for you, it still didn't make you happy). That's not asking for "just a little bit of effort".

 

If my spouse were to hold me to that sort of a standard, we'd both come away bitter and disappointed.

[zoobie]

It's not hard to stuff something in a gift bag! Would HE care if you give him gifts in the shipping box? Who cares? This is about YOU. I'm guessing you do (and he expects) stuff that you care zero about, but you do it because it's important to him. He's not in a relationship with himself.

 

That said, I don't know if you're hard to shop for. There's a big gap between "don't buy crap at the grocery store on your way home" and what gifts you'd actually like. My DH is hard to shop for because he shops for himself. By the time he mentions something, I have to make sure it's not already on the way here.

[plansrme]

There have been several mentions of love languages on this thread, and I could be wrong here, but I don't think wanting a thoughtful gift when a gift is pretty much required (Christmas, birthday) means that the OP's love language is "gifts."  I think it is more likely acts of service, and when a gift is expected, she expects some service, by golly.  Hitting "buy now" on Amazon isn't much of an act of service.  Paying attention to her needs, selecting something carefully, wrapping it nicely--those are acts of service.  As I recall from the class I attended on love languages many, many years ago, those with the LL of gifts are more likely to be thrilled with any kind of random gift.

 

And expecting gifts to be selected with some thought and attention hardly  makes the OP the selfish, materialistic, demanding shrew as some of the comments seem to imply.  But that always happens when someone starts talking about gifts on here.  

 

 

[myfunnybunch]

 I'd rather a service done. A clean house, dinner made for me (and the kitchen cleaned), an organized garage. Bliss.

 

Me too. Time is so precious that anything that saves me some time is incredible.

 

My dh, otoh, has a hard time with this because he likes stuff. He likes "regular" stuff, stuff that I think is boring and generic. He'd be delighted if I stopped at the grocery and picked up a box of chocolates or whatever, and he has a hard time understanding that I don't feel the same way.

 

I get the desire to have a thoughtful gift, and I felt that way for years. I still do a little. The difference is that I don't expect my dh to see and understand gift-giving the same way I do.

 

Now I tell him what I really want or want done. For my birthday, he took my car to have it detailed. It was delightful! I was happy because I didn't have to spend hours cleaning my car. He was happy because I was delighted.  So what if he didn't think of it himself? It is more important to me that he feel good about his gift-giving than that he try to read my mind about what would be most meaningful to me right now.

 

Cat

[Cosmos]

Putting "thought" into it is not easy for many of us. I can spend hours and hours "thinking" and come up with nothing. Gift-giving is a huge source of stress for me every single holiday. Please just accept that what comes easily to you does not come easily to others, and it is not a reflection of how much they love you.

 

[ktgrok]

I get it. You don't want to just tell him what to get, cause you could just get it yourself then. How about giving him some parameters though? Like, "buy me something to sleep in" and let him go from there. Or, "buy me something yummy to eat, but from a bakery not the store. You pick it out."

[KungFuPanda]

If you have to ask . . .

 

Some people just don't enjoy shopping or even thinking about shopping. It's no reflection on their loved ones, but how they feel about roaming through stores and dealing with purchases. You sound a little Leslie Knopish to me and shopping for you would be terrifying.

[Night Elf]

IMO, yes, you're being too picky. Your DH just might not be the same type of gift-giver you are. And that should be okay. You should come to a peace about it because neither of you can change in this respect. If you like getting gifts, you're going to have to give him ideas and let him choose from them. If you'd rather have nothing, then try not to be bitter about it since it's your own choice. Neither DH nor I are gift-givers. We love each other tremendously but we don't do well trying to come up with deep, thoughtful, meaningful gifts. I don't even know what that means because the idea is so foreign to me. So we choose to never buy gifts.

 

This sounds like a love language thing. You feel most loved when someone cares enough to buy you a thoughtful gift. Do you try as hard to meet your DH's love language? If you're interested it's here; Love Language It might make you feel better to understand yourself and your DH. My DH and I thought it explained a lot about us and how we related to one another.

[Catwoman]

And expecting gifts to be selected with some thought and attention hardly makes the OP the selfish, materialistic, demanding shrew as some of the comments seem to imply. But that always happens when someone starts talking about gifts on here.

I don't think a single person who has posted here has suggested that Moxie is a "selfish, materialistic, demanding shrew." :glare:

 

I like Moxie a lot, and I'm sure everyone else here does as well, and I certainly hope she doesn't interpret our posts in the same way you did.

 

I think your impressions of the comments on this thread are entirely inaccurate.

[Moxie]

IMO, yes, you're being too picky. Your DH just might not be the same type of gift-giver you are. And that should be okay. You should come to a peace about it because neither of you can change in this respect. If you like getting gifts, you're going to have to give him ideas and let him choose from them. If you'd rather have nothing, then try not to be bitter about it since it's your own choice. Neither DH nor I are gift-givers. We love each other tremendously but we don't do well trying to come up with deep, thoughtful, meaningful gifts. I don't even know what that means because the idea is so foreign to me. So we choose to never buy gifts.

 

This sounds like a love language thing. You feel most loved when someone cares enough to buy you a thoughtful gift. Do you try as hard to meet your DH's love language? If you're interested it's here; Love Language It might make you feel better to understand yourself and your DH. My DH and I thought it explained a lot about us and how we related to one another.

It isn't that I like getting gifts. I really am ok with getting nothing and that is usually how it goes. I just really dislike a generic gift. Example-my MIL buys a bunch of lotion sets and gives them to all the female relatives at Christmas. I wish she'd just keep her money because that gift is useless to me. If she bought me lotion because she knew I liked that scent or that I really enjoyed lotion, that would be great. Thoughtless gifts are not something I enjoy.

 

And DH is capable. He has givens some amazingly sweet things. He just doesn't always put in the effort.

[elegantlion]

I always gave dh a list or he would default to what the advertisers wanted him to think I wanted. Personally, I hate flowers for a gift, they die and they're expensive - he finally got the message I would rather eat out or get a trip to the bookstore, even an Amazon gift card. 

 

One birthday I got lotions and put in an expensive bag. I know, the price tag was still on the bag. Heck, I'm frugal, a $6 gift bag was way too much. I would have preferred cash. 

 

To be honest, I think a lot of men are busy and clueless about gifts. If you don't give them some direction, you'll end up with the default "women love this" gift. It does take effort to ask and then order exactly what you want. He refrained from buying something generic and you got what you wanted. 

 

I'm a gifts person, it's my love language. I give lists. The lotions and the expensive gift bag are gone, the one gift I specifically pointed out to ds that I wanted one year (an expensive messenger bag) is sitting not too far from me. I'm enjoying it years later. The idea that I had to point him in the right direction to buy it is long gone. 

[Plink]

It isn't that I like getting gifts. I really am ok with getting nothing and that is usually how it goes. ...Thoughtless gifts are not something I enjoy.

 

And DH is capable. He has givens some amazingly sweet things. He just doesn't always put in the effort.

I think the issue is that you are defining any gift as thoughtless. Someone taking the time to buy you a gift is not thoughtless. It may not meet your standards, but it is not thoughtless.

 

The idea of gifts requiring a certain amount of effort is really dangerous. It is a very arbitrary measurement of love, yet it is given a disproportionate meaning. You will never know how long someone thought about you, what they were thinking when they picked out that gift, or whether they are dealing with other issues that impact their ability to go shopping that week. I know you think you can measure it, but you really can't.

 

If you truly are okay with not receiving gifts, then you may want to consider making that a policy. That way, you will be surprised any time you are given anything, and it will fall into the thoughtful rather than thoughtless category. It would prevent any feelings of disappointment or resentfulness.

[Anne]

Putting "thought" into it is not easy for many of us. I can spend hours and hours "thinking" and come up with nothing. Gift-giving is a huge source of stress for me every single holiday. Please just accept that what comes easily to you does not come easily to others, and it is not a reflection of how much they love you.

 

:iagree:

 

This exactly.   I hate gift giving.  Christmas and birthdays fill me with dread because I have such a hard time thinking of *anything* that someone might like.  The need to give a gift always makes me feel incompetent - WHY can't I think of something for this person whom I love so much???   And when I have to give a gift to someone whose love language is gifts - then I REALLY feel stupid.  It is almost impossible for me to ever come up with a great idea.  I love gift lists.  At least that way I can get something I know the person would actually like and/or use....

 

Anne

[magnificent_baby]

I could have written your post. DH has a history of running by the nearest drug store and grabbing whatever at the last minute. I feel like, why bother??

 

I love giving gifts, and put a lot of thought into them and often get them way ahead of time. I do not get upset when others do not put the same effort, however, DH grabbing a gift at the last minute is irritating. Or counting some major item that we were planning on getting anyway as a gift.  :glare:

[sunflowerlady]

Well if you don't want generic gifts and you don't want him to buy something you told him you actually wanted, then I would say you are difficult to shop for.

 

It seems like the gift giver can't win for losing.

[Upward Journey]

Putting "thought" into it is not easy for many of us. I can spend hours and hours "thinking" and come up with nothing. Gift-giving is a huge source of stress for me every single holiday. Please just accept that what comes easily to you does not come easily to others, and it is not a reflection of how much they love you.

 

I wish I could like this a thousand times!

[DianeW88]

Yep, you're way too picky and hard to shop for.  My favorite gift is an Amazon gift card.  Dh types in an amount hits "buy now" and prints it on our printer, and I am over the moon.  Because I can buy exactly what I want.  Putting that kind of pressure on someone to come up with a "thoughtful" gift is not fair.  It isn't a reflection on how much they care about you if they buy a generic lotion gift set...it just means they just don't like shopping.  And saying that someone has to give you the "right" kind of gift or nothing at all, sounds petulant and spoiled.  I'm sure you're not that way, and I even kind of get what you mean, but that's how it's going to sound to anyone charged with giving you a gift for your birthday or a holiday.  I wouldn't want to buy you a present, because I would be too afraid that I would come up short and be judged for it.

[texasmama]

Example-my MIL buys a bunch of lotion sets and gives them to all the female relatives at Christmas. I wish she'd just keep her money because that gift is useless to me. If she bought me lotion because she knew I liked that scent or that I really enjoyed lotion, that would be great. Thoughtless gifts are not something I enjoy. .

I agree. Dh's sister insists we must keep up exchanging gift for adults when no one else wants to. Sadly, this means that every woman, from 16 year olds to 60 year olds, received an identical colorful eye shadow kit. Ugh. Then two years later my other SIL received another of these. What is the point? Every year we are subjected to this. Double ugh. There is nothing that says I Love You like generic stuff that you don't want and won't use yet have to appreciate and reciprocate. Triple ugh. And make up is the favorite gift for ladies. I think make up is personal. I haven't changed my eye shadow color from brownish Cover Girl in fifteen years. (Excuse my rant and thank you for listening. :) )

[LucyStoner]

There is another way. Ditch Valentine's Day!

 

Just kidding. Sorta.

 

I think that your husband needs to up his game a bit AND you need to lower your expectations a little bit. Meet in the middle.

[SproutMamaK]

 

And DH is capable. He has givens some amazingly sweet things. He just doesn't always put in the effort.

 

I don't mean to beat up you here, and I hope it doesn't come across that way, but from the perspective of someone who gets extremely frustrated trying to find the "perfect" gift for people... please think about what you're saying here. How would you feel if your DH said something of the same nature?

 

"I know my wife is capable of training the kids to be perfectly behaved, getting all the school done every day, and having the house perfectly clean. It's happened before. And then there are these other days when that doesn't happen. It must be that she doesn't care about me enough to put in the effort."

 

It is NOT about your husband not loving you enough or not being willing to put in the effort. Sometimes he might have an AMAZING idea for a gift; he sees something in a store or notices a gleam in your eye when you see something and makes a mental note that this is something that would be perfect for you. So he buys and it gives it to you at a special time. He makes it meaningful for you.

 

That's just something that happens naturally when you love someone. Sometimes you notice things, and you have the opportunity to do something special for them, because you love them. That's not the sort of gift that a person can just pull from thin air on some arbitrary day because he's told he's supposed to. He can't all of sudden decide "huh, I guess now is a good time to think of this perfect, meaningful gift, I should get on that." Seeing something perfect and meaningful for someone isn't something that can be expected on some sort of timeline. It just happens... and those times that it DOES happen, it's because he loves you and wants to do something special for you. Why does he have to "prove" that over and over?

 

Imagine how you'd feel if you did something amazing and special for your husband because you love him, and he then just expected you to do it over and over again (but in a uniquely special way, never the same thing twice, of course), on demand? And if you weren't able to make it happen, he'd be disappointed that you didn't care enough to put the effort in? That's a heck of a weight to put on someone's shoulders.

[texasmama]

Putting "thought" into it is not easy for many of us. I can spend hours and hours "thinking" and come up with nothing. Gift-giving is a huge source of stress for me every single holiday. Please just accept that what comes easily to you does not come easily to others, and it is not a reflection of how much they love you.

Yes! I am a huge Loser with a capital L in the area of gifts. I love my family very much. I just suck at gifts. It is an enormous source of stress for me. It is tradition that I buy something for dh that he hates. Loser, I tell you! Please do not use gifts as the yardstick by which I am measured. I would be doomed! (Yes, I have issues.)

[Tmhearn]

As several people have mentioned, it sounds like gifts are one of your main L

[Tmhearn]

Sorry... Main Love Languages. So, yes, I would expect your husband to acknowledge that and work on the aspect of showing you love.

[Joker]

I think you sound a little picky. Dh brings me home flowers every year for Valentine's Day because he knows that's all I want. I don't view it as thoughtless because he's stopping at the store on his way home from work. He remembered the day and he knows I really enjoy having flowers around the house.

 

I always give him a few ideas for things for my birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas. He wants to buy me something for those occasions that I will like and he enjoys taking dds shopping so they can pick me out something. I don't think he would enjoy shopping for gifts if he felt like he had to read my mind or put tons of thought into picking up the perfect gift. I know I wouldn't.

[Stacia]

I think the issue is that you are defining any gift as thoughtless. Someone taking the time to buy you a gift is not thoughtless. It may not meet your standards, but it is not thoughtless.

 

The idea of gifts requiring a certain amount of effort is really dangerous. It is a very arbitrary measurement of love, yet it is given a disproportionate meaning. You will never know how long someone thought about you, what they were thinking when they picked out that gift, or whether they are dealing with other issues that impact their ability to go shopping that week. I know you think you can measure it, but you really can't.

 

If you truly are okay with not receiving gifts, then you may want to consider making that a policy. That way, you will be surprised any time you are given anything, and it will fall into the thoughtful rather than thoughtless category. It would prevent any feelings of disappointment or resentfulness.

 

:iagree:

 

Sheryl, I love your post.

[myfunnybunch]

And DH is capable. He has givens some amazingly sweet things. He just doesn't always put in the effort.

 

You're putting an awful lot of emotional weight on gift-giving.

 

You both might enjoy gift-giving more if you let go of the idea that every gift every time has to be amazingly sweet and involve effort.

 

You'll be delighted and surprised when he does put in extra effort.

You won't be disappointed when he doesn't.

He'll be relieved of the burden of having to come up with a perfect gift every time.

He'll be delighted when he does hit the mark.

 

Make the man a list. :)

 

Cat

[Alicia64]

No, no, no. I'm not asking for that. That is something I'm doing for them. DH was commenting that he has no idea what to get me for Valentine's Day because I don't like "the normal stuff".

 

a) Can I be really nosy and ask how you afford 14 days of gifts? That would be rough on my budget! :)

 

b) You're not saying if you have "easy to shop for" interests. DH, for example, hates when I say that he's hard to shop for -- so I avoid saying it. But he's a major geek into techie stuff. And I'm not. His stuff is pricey and I'm positive I'd get the wrong thing.

 

Yes, he's a foodie so I could get him food-gifts. His other interest is way outside of my scope too.

 

And that just leaves stuff for TeA which, frankly, is also hard to buy for. I never seem to get the right stuff.

 

So, I guess my question is: what are your interests?

 

c) One idea I had long ago was to rip out pages from magazines or print out from the internet items that would make cool gifts one day for me. To help give DH an idea. It fell flat.

 

Alley

[Moxie]

Yep, you're way too picky and hard to shop for. My favorite gift is an Amazon gift card. Dh types in an amount hits "buy now" and prints it on our printer, and I am over the moon. Because I can buy exactly what I want. Putting that kind of pressure on someone to come up with a "thoughtful" gift is not fair. It isn't a reflection on how much they care about you if they buy a generic lotion gift set...it just means they just don't like shopping. And saying that someone has to give you the "right" kind of gift or nothing at all, sounds petulant and spoiled. I'm sure you're not that way, and I even kind of get what you mean, but that's how it's going to sound to anyone charged with giving you a gift for your birthday or a holiday. I wouldn't want to buy you a present, because I would be too afraid that I would come up short and be judged for it.

You are making my point. I would love an Amazon gc because it would mean that DH notices that I buy things on Amazon all the time. I buy all my make-up (not a small amount) at Ulta. An Ulta gc would be great! I'm not looking for the world's most perfect gift--just something with some thought put into it.

 

I feel like I should add that I'm not having a big hissy fit when I get lotion or some other generic gift. I am an adult. I also don't have these gift issues with other people in my life--just the guy I've been sleeping with for 15 years!

[trulycrabby]

I think the issue is that you are defining any gift as thoughtless. Someone taking the time to buy you a gift is not thoughtless. It may not meet your standards, but it is not thoughtless.

 

The idea of gifts requiring a certain amount of effort is really dangerous. It is a very arbitrary measurement of love, yet it is given a disproportionate meaning. You will never know how long someone thought about you, what they were thinking when they picked out that gift, or whether they are dealing with other issues that impact their ability to go shopping that week. I know you think you can measure it, but you really can't.

 

If you truly are okay with not receiving gifts, then you may want to consider making that a policy. That way, you will be surprised any time you are given anything, and it will fall into the thoughtful rather than thoughtless category. It would prevent any feelings of disappointment or resentfulness.

Lovely post! :)

[myfunnybunch]

Sorry... Main Love Languages. So, yes, I would expect your husband to acknowledge that and work on the aspect of showing you love.

 

And, having btdt, there's got to be a give-and-take. Understanding that this "language" is difficult or not motivating for one party means that the other party may need to acknowledge that and work on giving some grace also. Placing the burden solely on one party to resolve a difference in styles isn't productive.

 

Like I said, I've btdt. I meaningful, thoughtful gift is still an absolute delight to me, and something that really resonates and fills my cup. And once I let go of the idea that the perfectness of a gift was somehow correlated with perfect thoughtfulness, my dh was able to enjoy gift giving more. He's more thoughtful, I'm less picky. We enjoy giving and receiving gifts more. Now I make dh a list instead of making him guess. This year for Christmas, he got me something from the list (shoes--I texted him the photo, store name, color and shoe size and told him to hurry because there were only a few pairs left in my size), a delightful surprise (a tea mug identical to the one I'd purchased for my mother and loved, and some tea--the kind you drink :P ), and something I told him specifically NOT to get (chocolates). All over the map. It was a good Christmas because I didn't really care what I got.

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

You are making my point. I would love an Amazon gc because it would mean that DH notices that I buy things on Amazon all the time. I buy all my make-up (not a small amount) at Ulta. An Ulta gc would be great! I'm not looking for the world's most perfect gift--just something with some thought put into it.

 

I feel like I should add that I'm not having a big hissy fit when I get lotion or some other generic gift. I am an adult. I also don't have these gift issues with other people in my life--just the guy I've been sleeping with for 15 years!

OK, I think I'm missing the point here.

 

In your earlier example, you hinted at a specific gift. Your dh ordered it and gave it to you on your birthday, but you were upset that he didn't wrap it.

 

But now you're saying that an Amazon or Ulta gift card would be great, and would show that he put thought into it. :confused:

 

He's probably afraid to buy you a gift card, because he may figure you'll think it was an easy, thoughtless, cop-out gift, because he didn't have to go out and shop for something super-special. And are you sure you wouldn't respond to the gift card with, "I can't believe that all he did was go online and buy me a gift card. Any idiot could buy an Amazon gift card. Everyone shops at Amazon, so it's not special."

 

I'm getting a conflicting message from you, so I wouldn't doubt your dh is feeling the same way.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh. It's just that it seems like your poor dh is trying, but probably thinks nothing he does will be good enough for you, because it seems like you want him to be a mind-reader.