All moms are not amazing!!!

[Tmhearn]

I am so sick of seeing the hype that all moms are wonderful just because they are your mom. I'm sorry, but it's just not true! Some moms suck. They are selfish... They are not nice... They abandon their kids... They are idiots... They just plain suck...

 

Where did this idea come from that you are an amazing mother just because you give birth??? Fathers certainly don't get the same label.

 

It's great if you had a nice mom. I don't begrudge you that fortune. I am also trying to be a great mom myself. But, I hate this general sentiment that all moms are self- sacricing, wonderful people.

 

Rant over.

[Alicia64]

You're completely right. I have no idea where the moms-are-awesome thing came from. Except that the love a mom has for her child is generally so intense that someone must have assumed all moms had that same kind of love for their kid.

 

Mine didn't.

 

Alley

[Mommy22alyns]

Hear, hear!!  Mother's Day can be rough.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Mine's in jail for child abuse. There are other mothers in that jail, for various reasons. This Christmas we bought a present for the Angel Tree charity that organizes presents for kids with parents in jail. Our Angel Tree little girl's mother was the parent in jail.

With all evidence to the contary, some people still like to romanticizes and generalize.

[Lara in Colo]

After having dealt with my less than amazing mother for the last couple of days--- ITA

 

*** I *** however, am amazing!!     LOL

[Spryte]

:grouphug:

 

Wish I could share my mom with you.  

[jillian]

I agree. This is why we have an adoption industry. And social workers. And Child Protection Services. Not all parents are great parents, not just mothers. Mothers use drugs while pregnant. Mothers choose drugs and/or alcohol over feeding their kids. Mothers choose to nurse their kids with medications and drugs and liquor in their breast milk. Mothers shake their babies. Mothers kill their kids. Not all mothers, fathers, grandparents, extended family are good simply by virtue of having a child in their lives.

[OhanaBee]

I totally understand. 

 

I love my mom and understand why she is the way she is.  Really, when I can be objective, she *did* do the best she could, considering her own childhood.

 

However.

 

Searching for the right Mother's Day card is a nightmare.  No, she isn't the most wonderful mom on the planet.  No, I do NOT want to be just like her.  No, she didn't teach *me* how to be a great mom.  She taught me what I shouldn't be doing.......they don't put that kind of stuff on Mother's Day cards though.

 

Sometimes I think my old therapist should be sending her a Mother's Day/Thank You card.  I think I paid for his BMW when I was in my 20s.

[jillian]

I totally understand. 

 

I love my mom and understand why she is the way she is.  Really, when I can be objective, she *did* do the best she could, considering her own childhood.

 

However.

 

Searching for the right Mother's Day card is a nightmare.  No, she isn't the most wonderful mom on the planet.  No, I do NOT want to be just like her.  No, she didn't teach *me* how to be a great mom.  She taught me what I shouldn't be doing.......they don't put that kind of stuff on Mother's Day cards though.

 

Sometimes I think my old therapist should be sending her a Mother's Day/Thank You card.  I think I paid for his BMW when I was in my 20s.

 

I laughed at the therapist comment. To be fair, your mom probably did teach you how to be a great mom by teaching you what not to do and how not to be you know?  However, I totally get not wanting to give that credit. I learned a lot about marriages from seeing my grandparents horrible one.

 

[KrissiK]

I understand this all too well. I have a great mother, but my children are all adopted out of the foster care system.You are right, some mothers are pretty bad. Just because you can physically give birth to a child does not mean that you can be a mother.

 

I think that sentiment comes out of the same place other pithy sentiments come from, like telling children they can be anything they want to be. No, they can't. Actually their choices are very limited, no matter who they are. Or going ape over every thing a child makes,whatever it looks like, instead of kindly telling them that it was a nice effort, but with a little practice they could do better. I think it comes out of that whole "self-esteem" movement.

[TheBugs]

I grew up thinking my mom was a saint and I was some sort of demon. It's only recently that I have realized that she was verbally abusive to me. She called me awful names as a child. She still does it and when I express hurt she says I am an ingrate. Her mother died, so it is easy for her to make me feel guilty for showing any disappointment in the way she treated me. I think she tried her best. Sometimes I think she didn't and "trying her best" is an excuse for bad behavior. Having a temper tantrum and calling your child a **** is not your best. Other times she was a really great, loving mom. One time my little sister said," I feel like mommy hates me". I said, I often feel like she hates me too, but she doesn't, she has a mental illness. But mother's day is hard.

[DawnM]

I get it.

 

My mom doesn't call me names like that, but she plays the sympathy and guilt trip/manipulation card all*the*time.

 

"Well, I guess you just don't love me"…..(because I don't do what she wants.)

"If you could just understand how I grew up, you would do……(X or Y or whatever the theme of the day is.)

"I am not really sure if you are a Christian if you don't do……(again, insert self serving desire.)

"Well, you will have to answer to God someday for not doing……(ditto the above.)

"If you could just learn to have Jesus' love for me…….

 

Oh, it goes on and on.

 

Or, she starts crying and will SOB, "It is ok that you don't love me, I must just be too unlovable."'

 

It is hard when you get mental illness AND religion.

 

Dawn

 

 

I grew up thinking my mom was a saint and I was some sort of demon. It's only recently that I have realized that she was verbally abusive to me. She called me awful names as a child. She still does it and when I express hurt she says I am an ingrate. Her mother died, so it is easy for her to make me feel guilty for showing any disappointment in the way she treated me. I think she tried her best. Sometimes I think she didn't and "trying her best" is an excuse for bad behavior. Having a temper tantrum and calling your child a creep is not your best. Other times she was a really great, loving mom. One time my little sister said," I feel like mommy hates me". I said, I often feel like she hates me too, but she doesn't, she has a mental illness. But mother's day is hard. 

 

[Lara in Colo]

I grew up thinking my mom was a saint and I was some sort of demon. It's only recently that I have realized that she was verbally abusive to me. She called me awful names as a child. She still does it and when I express hurt she says I am an ingrate. Her mother died, so it is easy for her to make me feel guilty for showing any disappointment in the way she treated me. I think she tried her best. Sometimes I think she didn't and "trying her best" is an excuse for bad behavior. Having a temper tantrum and calling your child a creep is not your best. Other times she was a really great, loving mom. One time my little sister said," I feel like mommy hates me". I said, I often feel like she hates me too, but she doesn't, she has a mental illness. But mother's day is hard. 

 

are you my sister?

[UmMusa]

It's kinda funny to read this post. I was just ranting to my mom how someone on my FB gets called 'such an amazing mom' because she is a very successful career woman and athelete.  So if she posts a picture of herself with a child of hers, she gets all sorts of pats on the back about how amazing and awesome she is.  I want to tell all those people that someone ELSE is parenting those children while mommy is at work and is training.  Do the math; there aren't enough hours in the day!

[gardenmom5]

hugs.  same here. btdt

[gardenmom5]

It's kinda funny to read this post. I was just ranting to my mom how someone on my FB gets called 'such an amazing mom' because she is a very successful career woman and athelete.  So if she posts a picture of herself with a child of hers, she gets all sorts of pats on the back about how amazing and awesome she is.  I want to tell all those people that someone ELSE is parenting those children while mommy is at work and is training.  Do the math; there aren't enough hours in the day!

 

my grandmother equated love with money.  if she 'loved' you, she'd give you money/expensive presents.  even as a teen - I wanted TIME. 

[Scrub Jay]

It's kinda funny to read this post. I was just ranting to my mom how someone on my FB gets called 'such an amazing mom' because she is a very successful career woman and athelete.  So if she posts a picture of herself with a child of hers, she gets all sorts of pats on the back about how amazing and awesome she is.  I want to tell all those people that someone ELSE is parenting those children while mommy is at work and is training.  Do the math; there aren't enough hours in the day!

 

I have worked full time, part time and have been a SAHM.  I've been a pretty great mom during all of those phases, even when using a babysitter or daycare.  I'm not sure why this person can't be an amazing mom as well just because she isn't a SAHM?

 

[Scrub Jay]

And semi-related to the thread, my spin off to this is that not all teachers are amazing.  I was raised in a home with 2 teachers and was raised to basically believe they are saints.  Then (as a SLP) I worked in several schools and saw first hand how there's a HUGE range in teacher quality.  Eye opening.

[TheBugs]

I decided to edit this because I got to thinking I was sort of gratuitously complaining about my mom in this post which isn't necessary.

 

 

In many ways my mom is an amazing mother though. All my friends thought she was the best. She can be very funny and she is very nurturing if she is not in a bad mood. But when she gets in the mood, watch out...

[SKL]

Yeah, I must say the word "amazing" is way overused.  LOL.

 

My mom is a good mom, and she looks awesomer the farther I get along the path of parenting.  When I get that overwhelmed feeling parenting my two kids, I marvel to myself that my mom jumped each of these hurdles six times over.  Now that's something.

 

But it does kind of get under my skin when I see people saying "you are an amazing mother" to someone they hardly know anything about.  It may be true.  Or that mom might have multiple baby skeletons in crates in the attic, for all anyone online knows.

[SKL]

Oh, and I'm definitely not an amazing mom, but I think I'm a reasonably good mom, all things considered.  :P

[happi duck]

And semi-related to the thread, my spin off to this is that not all teachers are amazing.  I was raised in a home with 2 teachers and was raised to basically believe they are saints.  Then (as a SLP) I worked in several schools and saw first hand how there's a HUGE range in teacher quality.  Eye opening.

I was thinking the same thing. For some reason certain professions/roles get instant sainthood or instant hero status.

 

It doesn't diminish those who do a great job to not deify the whole group.

[Chris in VA]

1. Mothers are human. 

 

2. Everyone would like a good mom.

 

3. Not everyone has a good mom or can be a good mom.

 

4. This is not news. 

 

 

[SKL]

Oh, I wanted to be extra obnoxious and add that all *single* mothers are not *extra* amazing.  LOL.  I'm a single mom, so I should know.  ;)

[TheBugs]

Just another front from the Mommy Wars?

We should all feel inadequate because people say we are awesome, but we don't feel awesome. Therefore, there's something wrong with us.

Or is just my weird brain that goes there? 

:001_rolleyes:

I think the pressure to be "amazing" is very stressful. Actually being an amazing mother requires amazing children who never try your patience. It is just impossible, we are all human. But sometimes mothers are stressed, angry about things and they take it out on their children and it can turn into abuse. I think some of us who have been to therapy with problems due to being emotionally abused by our own mothers who reaally did loves us feel tremendous guilt for even attempting to acknowledge that mom isn't actually amazing, she's a flawed human just like we are.

[abba12]

My mum disowned me and my sister as teenagers before running off with a man who hits my blind brother.

My MIL is married to a crazy but sees nothing wrong with it, or at least has no interest in standing up for herself or her children.

 

I went through a period, triggered by my PTSD and crazy pregnancy hormones where I was not safe or capable as a mother. Thankfully I was able to set myself apart from those before me, before I risked real harm to my daughter I turned myself in to a doctor and submitted to child services, psychological treatment and rules regarding not being unsupervised with my children for 2 months. (Btw, child services is WAY less scary when you make first contact. That pretty much puts all the social workers on your side) I spent 6 months being visited by social workers, but it was all worth it, my daughter thrived during that period, my husband and I received help which has been valuable. During this same 6 months, a man in my town killed his son who was close in age to my daughter, likely because of untreated mental illness and a mental snap similar to what I would have been at risk for without intervention.

 

For me, being an amazing mother that year meant being brave enough to say I wasnt capable of being an amazing mother, in fact, at that moment in time I was a terrible mother. All the good intentions in the world didnt make me a good mother.

 

I dont know exactly what I am trying to say here except that this is a topic close to my heart. During my time being supervised I dealt both with people who assumed I was a bad mother, and people who tried to convince me that all mothers are amazing. It gave me some real perspective on how society views this issue.

 

 

Thankfully my mothers mother is an amazing mother, at least now. How many grandmas are there who are ready to open the door to their granddaughter and grandson-in-law at midnight when theyre in crisis? How many grandmothers are ready to step in and teach their grown grandaughter everything from how to do laundry to how to change their great-grandchilds diaper? How many grandmas will take in their great-grandchild and help navigate child services so that the children never need to leave their circle of blood relatives? She is the one I thank on mothers day.

 

A great mother is not made when a baby is born, sometimes the greatest mothers never have children of their own at all.

[TheBugs]

Abba12, it must have taken a lot of courage to get help in your situation. You put your children's needs first and that makes a great mom. I think my mom has or had ptsd. Certainly her childhood was millions if times worse than mine. She kept me physically safe and I am grateful for that.

[Excelsior! Academy]

 

 

 

A great mother is not made when a baby is born, sometimes the greatest mothers never have children of their own at all.

 

This.  100%

[shawthorne44]

Also, not all Grandmothers are wonderful. 

People have expressed shock when I describe one grandmother is evil.  I think because they think of their kind, loving doting grandmothers.  I explain that a certain small percentage of people are truly evil.  About half of those are women.  Many of those have kids, and then grandkids. 

[Heatherwith4]

There's an evil grandmother in my family. (Not my grandmother, but she is a grandmother.) That is mostly thanks to mental illness.

 

Then there's a drug-addict cousin who has pictures all over Facebook of herself with her kids, like she's the mom of year. She doesn't have custody of her kids. She has abandoned them repeatedly. :(

[Mommyfaithe]

You know....every time I see one of these threads...I cringe thinking what my kids might say about me one day. 

[UmMusa]

I have worked full time, part time and have been a SAHM.  I've been a pretty great mom during all of those phases, even when using a babysitter or daycare.  I'm not sure why this person can't be an amazing mom as well just because she isn't a SAHM?

 

 

She very well could be, and it's nice of you to stick up for her, but my mom and I both know her, so that's why I know she can't be an amazing mom.  She doesn't do much parenting at all. For real. Other people care for her from wake-up through bedtime.

 

[gardenmom5]

I totally understand. 

 

I love my mom and understand why she is the way she is.  Really, when I can be objective, she *did* do the best she could, considering her own childhood.

 

However.

 

Searching for the right Mother's Day card is a nightmare.  No, she isn't the most wonderful mom on the planet.  No, I do NOT want to be just like her.  No, she didn't teach *me* how to be a great mom.  She taught me what I shouldn't be doing.......they don't put that kind of stuff on Mother's Day cards though.

 

Sometimes I think my old therapist should be sending her a Mother's Day/Thank You card.  I think I paid for his BMW when I was in my 20s.

thanks mom, for showing me what NOT to do.  (now, could someone show what I "am" supposed to do?)

 

but they dont' put that in a card either.

 

[gardenmom5]

Also, not all Grandmothers are wonderful. 

People have expressed shock when I describe one grandmother is evil.  I think because they think of their kind, loving doting grandmothers.  I explain that a certain small percentage of people are truly evil.  About half of those are women.  Many of those have kids, and then grandkids. 

 

I now understand why my mother was the way she was.  my grandmother was evil.  and she continued her ways with my generation.

[fdrinca]

My mother passed away about 5 years ago, and it's always really hard at family events (we only go to the big ones because we live several states away) because my sisters are eager to get into "Mom worship" and I just can't join in. I don't think I had a particularly great mother. I don't think I had an average mother. I think I had an adequate mother, a woman whose first vocation was a dozen things other than caring for small children. But since my mother is no longer here, I can't voice my frustrations with anyone other than my poor husband - my sisters aren't interested in a real conversation about this. 

 

I do think this attitude is a reaction to the "Pinterest" mom attitude that I observe among some friends. No, my kids will never have intricately themed birthday parties or crafty cupcakes, but I'll read to them for a few hours every day. I might even change out of my pajamas to do it :)

[LucyStoner]

I am very fortunate to have a mother who, while raised with a truly evil mother, broke that cycle. My mom was not perfect, by a long shot. In many ways she was even at times neglectful because she was detached in her own, significant pain and grief. But she broke a generational cycle of abuse and poverty gave me and my children more of a chance than she ever had. I do think that ordinary, flawed and imperfect mothers can do amazing things for their kids. I think she was a pretty amazing person.

 

Obviously not all mothers are amazing. But nothing great about anyone was ever found in a greeting card anyways. Greeting card platitudes are at worst aspirational.

[SKL]

I now understand why my mother was the way she was.  my grandmother was evil.  and she continued her ways with my generation.

 

See, this is one of the reasons I think my mom is pretty cool.  Her mom was pretty awful.  I mean, really pretty awful.  And while my mom was no saint, she didn't criminally abuse us, neglect us, or discourage us from pursuing our goals, like her mom did.  (And her dad was even worse.)  She did a damn good job with us and still has a close, healthy relationship with all six of us.

 

I'm sorry for those who were dealt a crappy hand in that department.  (Including my mom.)

[Donna]

I agree. All moms are not amazing. I have the pleasure of dealing with amazing moms (and dads) the majority of the time in my line of work but also have seen my share of not so amazing moms and kids in foster care because they had truly horrible moms.

 

:grouphug:  To those of you who have not had amazing moms. 

[KungFuPanda]

I can't think of a single person who believes all moms ARE amazing. I'm surprised that the OP has run into so many people who do.

[ThisIsTheDay]

On the flip side of that, I hate being told what a wonderful mom I am.  No, I'm really NOT a wonderful mom.  I'm just a mom out there, trying to do my best, like most of the other moms in the world.  And believe me, I am not that wonderful.

[Joanne]

It's kinda funny to read this post. I was just ranting to my mom how someone on my FB gets called 'such an amazing mom' because she is a very successful career woman and athelete. So if she posts a picture of herself with a child of hers, she gets all sorts of pats on the back about how amazing and awesome she is. I want to tell all those people that someone ELSE is parenting those children while mommy is at work and is training. Do the math; there aren't enough hours in the day!

There are dozens of WOH career moms here with outside interests. I am one of them.

 

I became a better mom after I began a career and developed unrelated to "family" interests.

 

Your post and reaction to those giving praise to your Facebook friend reads to me like I used to believe when I was a staunch SAHM advocate. I was so rigid. I didn't see anything other Than my own style as adequate mothering. I used phrases like "other people parent the kids."

 

It was divisive, and very erroneous.

 

Today I see good moms (and sometimes bad ones) on either side of the issue. I try not to assume "things" about the quality of mothering based on work and hobby status.

 

If I did, I feel like I move women back decades.

[Beth in OH]

You know....every time I see one of these threads...I cringe thinking what my kids might say about me one day. 

Now that my kids are adults, they will thoughtfully tell me my shortcomings as a mother.  :huh:  :huh:   After the initial "ouch", I find that I'm really glad that my kids are not so intertwined with me that they don't see my flaws.  They are reasonably healthy emotionally.  I also find that they have a unique perspective, and if I can be open to what they say, I continue to grow--even at my advanced age.  The honesty and growth also continues to strengthen our relationship.

 

Nonetheless, it's hard to hear!

[SKL]

Now that my kids are adults, they will thoughtfully tell me my shortcomings as a mother.  :huh:  :huh:   After the initial "ouch", I find that I'm really glad that my kids are not so intertwined with me that they don't see my flaws.  They are reasonably healthy emotionally.  I also find that they have a unique perspective, and if I can be open to what they say, I continue to grow--even at my advanced age.  The honesty and growth also continues to strengthen our relationship.

 

Nonetheless, it's hard to hear!

 

I think they will appreciate you more when they experience for themselves what motherhood is (and isn't!).  :)

[Beth in OH]

But she broke a generational cycle of abuse and poverty gave me and my children more of a chance than she ever had. I do think that ordinary, flawed and imperfect mothers can do amazing things for their kids. I think she was a pretty amazing person.

 

This was my mom, too.  I'm trying to break some additional generational cycles with my own kids.

[SKL]

I often joke that I need to give my kids something to complain about when they write their "why I hate my mother" novel one day.  In my experience, it is the unusual kid who doesn't go through this at some level between age 11 and 25.  I expect it, so hopefully I won't be too hurt by it when it happens.  I know kids get disappointed when they realize that their mom is just a human after all.

[countrygal]

There is no one human that is perfect. But there difference between a mom who makes mistakes and recognizes them and asks for forgiveness and continues to strive to be her best and a mother (or anyone for that matter) who does wrong but fails to see the hurt she has done to others, never apologizes or tries to better her behavior. That is the person who is selfish and never puts others needs above hers. Some are intentionally evil and others have true mental illness and aren't capable of doing better.

[SKL]

I can't imagine asking my mom to apologize for her mistakes.  Either she believed she was doing right at the time, or she was so stressed out that she deserves some grace.  And then there are things that I used to think were clearly wrong, but maturity has convinced me otherwise.  Of course I'm not talking about criminal abuse etc., just everyday human failings, some of which I am also guilty.

 

I honestly don't see the point of collecting on past debts with our parents.  They are done raising their kids, for better or worse; there are no do-overs.  Forcing acknowledgment / apology might make sense if there was some chance of a do-over, but not otherwise, IMO.  If I had a parent who was so rotten that I couldn't forgive her mistakes, I would probably just keep a distant relation with her as life goes on.  My mom had nothing to do with her dad from the time she was in her 20s, because on top of everything else, he didn't bother to attend his oldest son's funeral.  She once told me that she hoped he didn't get mellow and come asking for forgiveness and try to be around in his old age, because she did not want to let him in ever.  He died without ever coming around, to her relief.  I don't think she attended his funeral either.  Life goes on.

[UmMusa]

There are dozens of WOH career moms here with outside interests. I am one of them.

 

I became a better mom after I began a career and developed unrelated to "family" interests.

 

Your post and reaction to those giving praise to your Facebook friend reads to me like I used to believe when I was a staunch SAHM advocate. I was so rigid. I didn't see anything other Than my own style as adequate mothering. I used phrases like "other people parent the kids."

 

It was divisive, and very erroneous.

 

Today I see good moms (and sometimes bad ones) on either side of the issue. I try not to assume "things" about the quality of mothering based on work and hobby status.

 

If I did, I feel like I move women back decades.

I'm just saying that I know the mom I was referring to who gets called awesome and I know she spends very little time with her children. She provides for their care and education, so that's good too.

[ThisIsTheDay]

I'm just saying that I know the mom I was referring to who gets called awesome and I know she spends very little time with her children. She provides for their care and education, so that's good too.

 

It did seem obvious that you were talking about that specific woman and not making a general statement.  I don't know why people are so quick to take offense and read things into something that you did not say.  :(

 

:grouphug: