What do you do when dh & you do not agree on further education for your children?

[Prairie~Phlox]

My daughter is almost 16, she talks about going to college, lately has talked about becoming a nurse.  Dh is totally against her doing much of anything, he thinks she should focus on getting a husband and raising a family.  I kid you not, this is true.  We just got into an argument about it this morning, great way to start the New Year.  She has no interest in boys and is determined like I was, I can see her going on her own and doing what she wants, that's exactly what I did.  I do believe we need to pray for our children, but I will not encourage her that all she needs is a husband.  I am married to a faithful man, but his parents have helped us out way too much over the years and I will not allow my daughter to go through the same things that my path has led me on.  I know it was God's will, but I don't see anything wrong with having something to fall back on.  If there are any Christian books on this topic, I would be interested in reading them. 

Help!

[OneStepAtATime]

I am so sorry that you are not in agreement and your child is sort of caught in the middle.  This is such a hard place to be.  Thankfully, my parents always supported my desire to go to college, but my dad's mom did not have that support at all when she was growing up.  I know that my own grandmother was told over and over to just get a husband, have kids, and forget about college. It really affected her self-esteem because she wanted to be a teacher very badly and felt that was her calling.  She did get married but after multiple miscarriages, she stopped trying to have a family and put herself through college while working as a beautician to try and cover the cost.  It was a real strain and exhausting, but she became a very successful math and shop teacher (taught for 33 years) and was finally blessed with a child.  She had my dad.  She was a great teacher, a strong mother and wife, loved her son and husband and was an awesome grandmother.  I have met some of her former students.  She inspired them and encouraged them and they adored her.  She gave them and my dad a love of learning that carried them through life.  God had a purpose for her and thankfully she was able to follow that path.

 

I don't know how you and your husband can come to an agreement.  I wish I did.  Would counseling through your church help at all?

 

Prayers and best wishes....

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

It sounds like you and DD are on the right track. I hope she becomes a word class RN.

[bettyandbob]

My response will probably be no help. I cannot imagine having this problem. I cannot imagine limiting a child's education, especially based on sex. I cannot imagine sending my dd into the world without some skill to support herself (does not have to be college degree).

 

No matter how great a man appears to be things happen:

1. unexpected death

2. unexpected disability

3. unexpected abuse

Are you planning to take care of your dd and whatever children she has in the event these things happen. How will you dh handle having to support his dd's disabled husband. Think through all the possibilities.

 

Your dd will be better equipped to and more confident in caring for her family if she can take care of herself. 

 

I will not knowingly set my dd up to feel trapped. 

 

Finding a husband may be the plan your dh wants, but how can he know God's plan for your dd. 

 

As a parent I would help my dd find the financial resources or scholarship opportunities for whatever postsecondary training she wants to pursue. 

[Jen in NY]

(((Prairie)))

 

I am so sorry you are in this spot. If it were me I would hit him subtly and regularly with statistics.... divorce rates, poverty rates, income levels of people with advanced degrees... etc, etc. If nothing else... forget about the value of continuing education for her confidence, ability to support herself in case of the death of her partner or divorce, and exploration of her options..... but if *nothing* else you can use my least favorite argument for continuing ed, which is that she is likely to meet her future partner there, which would mean her future partner would statistically speaking also have a better chance at providing for the family.

 

Sorry, I don't have any book recommendations.... but I'm sending you encouragement and hugs. :)

[Starr]

College is a good place to meet men. :D

[creekland]

Sending encouragement from here.  I can't imagine being in that position at all.  My family always encouraged education and becoming whatever we wanted to be.  I've done the same with my kids.

 

I can say (even as a Christian) that I WOULD NOT back down.  I'd continue looking into college options that she might be interested in (there are different options for nursing from starting at cc to various other colleges both secular and Christian) and would press on - keeping HIM in prayer that he would see the light (so to speak).

 

Proverbs 31 might be a good Bible study at some point.  That wife was NOT just at home taking care of the house.  I'm not totally up on all the super conservative thoughts of Christianity, but of those I know about, I can't think of any that consider nursing a "bad" option.

 

I wish you all the best... any chance your pastor/minister, etc, would be in the "helpful" camp?

[texasmama]

If this was my family, I would support dd in every way possible towards attaining her educational goals and let the chips fall where they may with my dh.  (Not spoken lightly at all, but I believe so strongly that this is wrong thinking that I would not engage in any support of it and would do what I felt best for my child.) 

[Truscifi]

If this was my family, I would support dd in every way possible towards attaining her educational goals and let the chips fall where they may with my dh.  (Not spoken lightly at all, but I believe so strongly that this is wrong thinking that I would not engage in any support of it and would do what I felt best for my child.) 

 

I agree. And if dh would not financially support those goals I would do whatever I could to help her find other financial support - scholarships, other relatives, a job for her or myself or both, etc. I would not aid in limiting my child or permit others to limit her if I had any means of fighting it.

[Beth in OH]

Regardless of anyone's faith, your dd lives in a broken world.  She needs to be able to survive in it.

[kitten18]

I agree. And if dh would not financially support those goals I would do whatever I could to help her find other financial support - scholarships, other relatives, a job for her or myself or both, etc. I would not aid in limiting my child or permit others to limit her if I had any means of fighting it.

I agree.

[Mommyof4ks]

Does your dh not realize that college is full of men with ambition and the potential for a great job. ;) I went to a small private college, and the joke around campus was that most girls were there to get their MRS degree lol. Many of us did. ;) We also got a degree to fall back on, and though I have not needed it, we have had a couple of scares that could have caused me to use it. We have 4 kids, and soon we hope to have 5, so me working at Walmart is not going to pay the bills, but my degree will give me a job at least making $40,000. Not what we are used to, but not bad either.

 

Is your dh willing to talk to your pastor about this? Either way your dd can pay her way through college, dh and I did, and then she will not need your dh's blessing, my mom was ticked when I got married in college, but I did not need her blessing to do so. His views do not dictate her future as an adult.

[Prairie~Phlox]

I have encouraged her to do whatever it takes to follow her heart, even if it means being on her own at 18. My sil has already told us she can move in with her if she wanted to. It just breaks my heart that we can not be in agreement on this.

[texasmama]

I have encouraged her to do whatever it takes to follow her heart, even if it means being on her own at 18. My sil has already told us she can move in with her if she wanted to. It just breaks my heart that we can not be in agreement on this.

This would be heart-breaking to me, too.  (((hugs)))

[bolt.]

I hope your DH comes 'round' -- but I want you to know that sometimes faithfulness means that you are the only one doing it. You know that it would be a betrayal of your daughter if you join "team female disempowerment" for the sake of wanting to always agree with your spouse.

 

It's ok to (politely but with backbone) just consider his conclusions and goals for your daughter wrong -- let him be free to have an opinion, but you have one too, and it's Ok that they are not the same. Your choices should guided by your own opinion. If he wants 100% agreement in his marriage, he can be the one to change his mind. Otherwise it's "agree to disagree" and carry on trying to live in harmony anyways.

 

It's only matter if having the same two top priorities, but differently ranked... It's not like you think opposite things:

 

His:

1. Heathy marriage and future family life, good mate selection, good skills for that situation.

2. Education up to her intellectual potential and desire to learn, in keeping with her personality, gifts and goals.

 

Yours:

1. Education up to her intellectual potential and desire to learn, in keeping with her personality, gifts and goals.

2. Heathy marriage and future family life, good mate selection, good skills for that situation.

[Χά�ων]

This is so well said that it needs to be said again and again and again.

My response will probably be no help. I cannot imagine having this problem. I cannot imagine limiting a child's education, especially based on sex. I cannot imagine sending my dd into the world without some skill to support herself (does not have to be college degree).

 

No matter how great a man appears to be things happen:

1. unexpected death

2. unexpected disability

3. unexpected abuse

Are you planning to take care of your dd and whatever children she has in the event these things happen. How will you dh handle having to support his dd's disabled husband. Think through all the possibilities.

 

Your dd will be better equipped to and more confident in caring for her family if she can take care of herself. 

 

I will not knowingly set my dd up to feel trapped. 

 

Finding a husband may be the plan your dh wants, but how can he know God's plan for your dd. 

 

As a parent I would help my dd find the financial resources or scholarship opportunities for whatever postsecondary training she wants to pursue. 

 

[mommymilkies]

I can not even imagine this being an issue between myself and my spouse.  Whether or not they're his beliefs, they're irrational and will punish your daughter.  Why should she be punished?  Having to move out to get an education like it's the Middle Ages? I would tell him to come back down to reality and do what's needed to support your daughter for a life of success. 

[DawnM]

This is exactly what my father told me!  He didn't even add abuse or divorce, he just said that you have no idea what *could* happen down the road.  An accident, a death, a debilitating disease, anything could prevent your husband from working.   It is so important our daughters know how to take care of themselves should they need to.

 

Also, who is to say that God may have plans for her to become a missionary nurse someday?  Maybe full time, maybe part time, maybe for only a season?  

 

I think your husband is dead wrong on this, and my father, a missionary to Africa for most of his adult life, would agree!  In fact, his mother, a missionary to China, was a nurse herself.  She didn't work when the kids were little, but she was a nurse before they were born, and then after they got older.

 

Dawn

 

 

My response will probably be no help. I cannot imagine having this problem. I cannot imagine limiting a child's education, especially based on sex. I cannot imagine sending my dd into the world without some skill to support herself (does not have to be college degree).

 

No matter how great a man appears to be things happen:

1. unexpected death

2. unexpected disability

3. unexpected abuse

Are you planning to take care of your dd and whatever children she has in the event these things happen. How will you dh handle having to support his dd's disabled husband. Think through all the possibilities.

 

Your dd will be better equipped to and more confident in caring for her family if she can take care of herself. 

 

I will not knowingly set my dd up to feel trapped. 

 

Finding a husband may be the plan your dh wants, but how can he know God's plan for your dd. 

 

As a parent I would help my dd find the financial resources or scholarship opportunities for whatever postsecondary training she wants to pursue. 

 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

My response will probably be no help. I cannot imagine having this problem. I cannot imagine limiting a child's education, especially based on sex. I cannot imagine sending my dd into the world without some skill to support herself (does not have to be college degree).

 

No matter how great a man appears to be things happen:

1. unexpected death

2. unexpected disability

3. unexpected abuse

Are you planning to take care of your dd and whatever children she has in the event these things happen. How will you dh handle having to support his dd's disabled husband. Think through all the possibilities.

 

Your dd will be better equipped to and more confident in caring for her family if she can take care of herself. 

 

I will not knowingly set my dd up to feel trapped. 

 

Finding a husband may be the plan your dh wants, but how can he know God's plan for your dd. 

 

As a parent I would help my dd find the financial resources or scholarship opportunities for whatever postsecondary training she wants to pursue. 

 

 

I can't imagine this ever being a problem in our house if we had daughters.  Agreeing with this post.

[Jennifer3141]

I would divorce someone like this in a NY second. Hopefully, your DD escapes and finds a good life.

[Alessandra]

Your dd should absolutely have the opportunity to prepare herself for a productive adult life. College is one of the best ways to do that. You sound like such a good advocate for your dd!

[JustEm]

I have encouraged her to do whatever it takes to follow her heart, even if it means being on her own at 18. My sil has already told us she can move in with her if she wanted to. It just breaks my heart that we can not be in agreement on this.

 

Why would she have to be on her own at 18.  Would your dh literally kick her out of the house if she were to choose to go to college?  If so, why would he get to do that and you not have a say in the matter? Does he get to make unilateral decisions  that affect the entire family so negatively?   I understand the whole male being head of household thing but a big part of that is being able to make the decisions that support the entire family not just support the man's ego.  I would view a decision like that as an abuse of power and would not be able to remain in a marriage like that unless this were fixed. But that is just my opinion.

[Mandylubug]

Well, I know my Dad was very conservative on most things except this one. He wanted me to be able to support myself financially and be skilled at something. He didn't care if it was community college or a bachelors. He just wanted me to have a skill, a career field to work in if the unfortunate events knocked on my door.

 

I think most fathers would love to hear their daughters are taken care of, no need for working and can focus on home and kids. I dont think those wants by themselves are wrong. However, I think limiting her to anything other than that is wrong.

[JustEm]

I would divorce someone like this in a NY second. Hopefully, your DD escapes and finds a good life.

I don't know if I'd divorce so quickly.  It could clearly be that he's been fed that line of thinking his entire life and just hasn't had the right person knock some sense into him.  A wife is the perfect person to do that job though.  I would seriously consider leaving my dh if he  had those beliefs but I would put up a huge fight first trying to reeducate him on why that is such an incredibly wrong belief.  

[OneStepAtATime]

I have been trying to do a search for any kind of support material regarding this and so far nothing, but I don't think just another argument is going to get anywhere.  Obviously you don't either or you wouldn't be posting here.  Hopefully, this will not escalate into something truly damaging to your child and your marriage.  Is there anyone you trust that your husband would be willing to go to with you to counsel you both on how to resolve this?  Church or psychologist?

 

I wholeheartedly agree that your husband is wrong, dead wrong, for many reasons, but unless he can find a way to see your point of view and your daughter's too, he may become more and more entrenched in his own viewpoint and more unhappy that his wishes are not being respected.  Do you know why he feels this way?  Can he clearly articulate his reasons and maybe write them down so you can discuss them with him rationally?  Perhaps if you both did that and agreed to read through each other's reasons without judgement or argument, gave yourselves time to think about what the other wrote, then you could discuss this further, without the emotional component being so strong.  Just what is on the papers.  Perhaps you could find a way to convince him without it being an argument.  I am so sorry you and your daughter are facing this.

[elegantlion]

I didn't attend college after high school for other reasons, but I'm now a 46 year old college freshman because life threw me a curve ball or two. I would not wish this on my dd or ds.  

 

stbxdh and I disagree on some aspects of ds' future plans. I tell ds it doesn't matter, he can do what he wants. By then he'll be 18 and mostly funding his own college. I don't believe in limiting potential. 

 

 

On a practical sense, nursing is a great profession for a mother. No only would the medical knowledge come in handy, but the flexible schedules some nursing jobs allow would be beneficial. I know some nurses who only work weekends so they can homeschool. 

 

And I will be blunt here, by not attending college after high school when most of my friends did, my circle of friends dwindled. I was hanging out with the wandering and aimless. Not that all non- college attendees are that way - the ones I gravitated toward were. Honestly, my "pick of eligible men" was slimmer. With few exception, these men weren't pursuing careers, they had jobs with limited earning potential. Most couldn't have supported another adult much less a family on their income. And as I noted in another thread, these weren't jobs that had room for much growth or raises. Many of the guys I dated were nice guys, but they were in no position to be fully responsible for the financial well being of a family. IMO, I think that is an unfair burden to put on young men in their 20s. Plus you don't just get married and have babies right away always. What kind of dynamic does that put a women into to be fully subservient to her spouse for all monies? It's not pretty when it works out wrong (look back to my opening statement...I am the cautionary tale) Does she just work minimum wage jobs while they wait for their family to happen? 

 

I wouldn't argue with my spouse, I would simply point out the benefits of having a degree while raising a family. 

 

[DianeW88]

Ok, well putting aside my personal feelings on your dh's stand on women and higher education (because I can't say anything nice about that)...

 

Where on earth does he think your dd is supposed to meet an upstanding, ambitious, well-educated young man???  They're not dropping from the sky.  Hmmm...how about college?  That would be a GREAT place for your dd to meet a potential husband.  Her advanced education could just be considered collateral damage. :D

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Since the OP asked for parenting advice, not marital advice, please stay on topic and remember board rules.

[Mandylubug]

I wanted to state too that i think further education is the students choice ultimately. I know many families influence and finance these choices. There are also many kids straight out of high school that work pt, study hard and make it happen on their own. I would probably approach it with DH that he is welcome to his opinion and I am welcome to mine. However, when the time comes you will be supporting DD in the path she chooses. If he kicks her out at that age because she chose something not in accordance to his opinion I'd have some major MAJOR personal issues with him. If it is in agreement that you expect all your children out of the house at age 18 no matter what they do that is different. My DH and I have discussed wanting ours to move out before marriage. Maybe dorms, etc. Spread their wings and learn to be independent. We learn from those experiences and mistakes. But punishing her for being independent alone is shocking.

[HS Mom in NC]

Beware the "sour grapes"  blue collar attitude that lurks in America. It's an, "if I can't have it I don't want it and no one else should have it either" point of view.  I know people like this.  If they're discussing education in America, they're quick to point out that education worse than the one they got is appalling and immoral and some politician had better fix it now!  If they're talking about an education (often a Classical Education) that's better than the one they got, then it's all, "I didn't get one like that and I'm just fine, so no one else needs one."  Maybe this is his motivation? Maybe not?

 

Realistically, how many men are ready to support a wife and shortly thereafter a baby right away? We are in a very different economy than that of 20 years ago and earlier.  It's taking longer to be self sufficient.  Either a man has to work his way through skills training (whether that's skilled labor or a useful degree) or he has to work longer to pay off the debts because of the cost increases in college and training schools.  Unless she marries an older, more established man (nothing categorically wrong with that- I was 20 and my husband 26 when we married) she's going to have to wait until men her age are ready for marriage. That's taking longer these days.  What's she going to do in the mean time?

What if God calls her to some sort of mission work with her nursing skills? She'll need to not be in a relationship.  God doesn't call everyone to marriage and children.  For some, that never happens.  For others, it happens later in life.  I know several female missionaries who weren't called to marriage and children until they were in their early 40s. Before then they lived all over the world doing different things unencumbered by close family ties just like the apostle Paul.

No one, including your husband, knows what God has in store for your daughter.  The smartest thing a parent can do is prepare a child for all the possibilities: marriage and family, college, skills training, mission work, military service, entrepreneurship.  A good, rigorous, solid academic foundation, excellent life and relationship skills, and familiarity with Scripture by age 18 prepares a child for whatever God leads them to.

 

The smartest thing singles can do is live very humbly while earning and saving as much money as they can. They should live at home as long as they can and save their money. Then should choose a mate with those same financial values and always live on one income, even if they have two, and save and invest the second income.  Then when the kids come along, it's no stress to homeschool the kids. If you live a two income lifestyle and one gets sick long term, there's no way to survive it financially. If you live a lifestyle that fits one income and the person earning that income has to stop working, the other can step up and take over for a while if the other has a skill set.

My own husband had a crisis of faith about 10 years ago.  Everything we had in common, other than our kids, vanished into thin air.  We've spent a lot of time deciding if we were going to stay together or not.  When I met him he was teaching children's church, involved in singles ministries, we got married and he went to seminary, taught Bible classes and was active in church.  Then, one day, to everyone's shock it all went away.  Now we agree on very little but are figuring out how to make it work.  Let's face it, he could decide to walk away at any time and the Bible says I should let him if he does. I wouldn't be the only woman in the world whose husband has decided to throw it all away and move on to other things.  He wouldn't be the first to abandon everything it really looked like he believed in and start over in a different direction.  Every woman needs to be prepared for such things because they happen.

[Aelwydd]

Why would she have to be on her own at 18. Would your dh literally kick her out of the house if she were to choose to go to college? If so, why would he get to do that and you not have a say in the matter? Does he get to make unilateral decisions that affect the entire family so negatively? I understand the whole male being head of household thing but a big part of that is being able to make the decisions that support the entire family not just support the man's ego. I would view a decision like that as an abuse of power and would not be able to remain in a marriage like that unless this were fixed. But that is just my opinion.

I agree. Just substitute "son" for daughter, and it sounds not just sexist, but ridiculous and terribly limiting to say you want to require your child to be always economically dependent on a spouse.

 

That is a hill to die on for me. My dh would never dream of handicapping our child like that, but if he started that that song and dance, we would be done.

[mommymilkies]

Not to argue with the mod, but where did she only ask for parenting advice?  Her OP was pretty clear that she disagreed with her dh and that was what was most at issue here. She asked what you would do if you disagreed with your husband about further education.  Isn't the father part of this equation?

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Discussing marital issues (in terms of "I would divorce him and he's abusive!", not "Here's a way to approach the issue") is against board rules. Please abide by them so that the thread can remain open and helpful. Also please remember that this is a public board and that anyone, including the OP's husband and in-laws, can read it. The rules exist for good reasons.

 

Moderator

[BrookValley.]

Well I can't give you my opinion on your husband's notion of education for women, because I would be breaking the rules. And I wouldn't be nice.

 

I would support my daughter in any way I could. This is her choice, not your husband's, not yours.

 

Also, I don't think the idea that college is the place to find a husband all that helpful, either. :confused1:  While I agree that it is a perfectly good place to find a mate, I don't think this idea that college is some sort of one-stop shop to snag a man too much better than the idea that women should skip higher education because their place is at home raising a family. I find it degrading.

[WishboneDawn]

Not to argue with the mod, but where did she only ask for parenting advice?  Her OP was pretty clear that she disagreed with her dh and that was what was most at issue here. She asked what you would do if you disagreed with your husband about further education.  Isn't the father part of this equation?

 

As a father. This is about a difference in parenting, not about their marriage. 

[JustEm]

Not to argue with the mod, but where did she only ask for parenting advice?  Her OP was pretty clear that she disagreed with her dh and that was what was most at issue here. She asked what you would do if you disagreed with your husband about further education.  Isn't the father part of this equation?

That is exactly what I was thinking.  

[zoobie]

I would 100% support my child in pursuing the education she chooses. I'd help her research colleges, study for entrance exams, and obtain legal advice for myself as to what assets would be at my disposal to support her financially and materially. No child of mine would be turned out from under a roof I too share for her choice of going to college.

[Word Nerd]

Getting a degree and getting married and having a family are not mutually exclusive. I would keep emphasizing that and support DD in pursuing her educational goals.

[trulycrabby]

If DH is dead set against college, she can get a job in a hospital that has tuition reimbursement for those going into health-related fields. I worked in registration while in nursing school, it was a great learning experience because I got very comfortable with all aspects of patient care, and once they saw that I was a hard worker with a true interest in nursing, the nurses and doctors would point out interesting patient presentations and procedures. I even got to ride with paramedics on my days off!

 

Also, I second or third the suggestion to help her apply for financial aid, scholarships and grants so that she does not have to depend on her parents to pay for college. Once she is old enough, she can move out and make her own decisions.

 

Another way to get medical experience and paid tuition is in the military. As a parent, I would cringe at this path, but if she has a true call to nursing, then the military should at least be considered.

[Lisa R.]

I have been trying to do a search for any kind of support material regarding this and so far nothing, but I don't think just another argument is going to get anywhere. Obviously you don't either or you wouldn't be posting here. Hopefully, this will not escalate into something truly damaging to your child and your marriage. Is there anyone you trust that your husband would be willing to go to with you to counsel you both on how to resolve this? Church or psychologist?

 

I wholeheartedly agree that your husband is wrong, dead wrong, for many reasons, but unless he can find a way to see your point of view and your daughter's too, he may become more and more entrenched in his own viewpoint and more unhappy that his wishes are not being respected. Do you know why he feels this way? Can he clearly articulate his reasons and maybe write them down so you can discuss them with him rationally? Perhaps if you both did that and agreed to read through each other's reasons without judgement or argument, gave yourselves time to think about what the other wrote, then you could discuss this further, without the emotional component being so strong. Just what is on the papers. Perhaps you could find a way to convince him without it being an argument. I am so sorry you and your daughter are facing this.

Now this is a helpful post. I think virtually all of us agree that her dh has wrong thinking here and it seems unhelpful to keep repeating that, ex and even saying how we can't imagine someone insensitive this way. That almost seems to rub salt in the wound.

 

OP, we are on your side. I am so sorry. I think the post above is helpful as it could help explore what is at the root of this.

 

Do you have a minister that you and dh could speak to? Perhaps someone in this position that your husband respects would soften his stance.

 

Your dd is lucky to have you.

[Lisa R.]

I have been trying to do a search for any kind of support material regarding this and so far nothing, but I don't think just another argument is going to get anywhere. Obviously you don't either or you wouldn't be posting here. Hopefully, this will not escalate into something truly damaging to your child and your marriage. Is there anyone you trust that your husband would be willing to go to with you to counsel you both on how to resolve this? Church or psychologist?

 

I wholeheartedly agree that your husband is wrong, dead wrong, for many reasons, but unless he can find a way to see your point of view and your daughter's too, he may become more and more entrenched in his own viewpoint and more unhappy that his wishes are not being respected. Do you know why he feels this way? Can he clearly articulate his reasons and maybe write them down so you can discuss them with him rationally? Perhaps if you both did that and agreed to read through each other's reasons without judgement or argument, gave yourselves time to think about what the other wrote, then you could discuss this further, without the emotional component being so strong. Just what is on the papers. Perhaps you could find a way to convince him without it being an argument. I am so sorry you and your daughter are facing this.

Now this is a helpful post. I think virtually all of us agree that her dh has wrong thinking here and it seems unhelpful to keep repeating that, expressing shock, and even saying how we can't imagine someone is like this. That almost seems to rub salt in the wound.

 

OP, we are on your side. I am so sorry. I think the post above is helpful as it could help explore what is at the root of this.

 

Do you have a minister that you and dh could speak to? Perhaps someone in this position that your husband respects would soften his stance.

 

Your dd is lucky to have you.

[umsami]

Your DD is lucky to have a champion in you. :)

 

My Mom wanted to be a professional ballerina when she was young. (This was the early 50s.)  Her parents did not support her dream. She went to NYC anyways, and was very successful.  Her parents were very proud.

 

Sometimes you need to pursue your dreams in spite of parental support.

 

I'm not sure how to handle the disagreement with your husband except to say that in this instance, you need to stand behind your daughter.  I know my DH and I disagree on some things (big things in his mind), and I've told him in advance should this happen, I will in every way stand behind our kids.  He knows this.  It will not be a surprise.

 

Perhaps you could say that while you do not support her decision, can you at least not hinder it? Are there things she can do in addition to pursuing her dreams that might support his dreams as well, like attending church events (assuming you are Christian, you may not be) intended to introduce young people, etc.? 

[Χά�ων]

I agree. Just substitute "son" for daughter, and it sounds not just sexist, but ridiculous and terribly limiting to say you want to require your child to be always economically dependent on a spouse.

 

That is a hill to die on for me. My dh would never dream of handicapping our child like that, but if he started that that song and dance, we would be done.

This is my hill to die on as well. 

[TGHEALTHYMOM]

Prayers.

 

Hugs.

 

Hoping she can live her dream!

[amyx4]

I don't have older kids so perhaps someone else can add some practical info. Doesn't the daugher need the parent's W2s to file for financial aid until she's 26? If he's not willing to provide that info, how does she pay for college? 

[bettyandbob]

OP, do you also have a ds? What is your dh's plan for him? Will he support ds getting a skill of his choosing?

 

If a ds would get more support, be prepared for serious future resentment and the possibility that you may have limited contact with your dd as she becomes an adult. 

 

Imagine this future holiday gathering: dd has followed her dad's plan and married some guy from church. The guy makes enough income for the family to get by, but getting to the extended family holiday was a stretch and they've asked not to exchange presents because they can't afford it. Remember your dd has probably married a guy without a degree and maybe without much job training. Most guys these days are expecting wives who have some education and/or earning potential. Your dd will not be courted by that nice boy at church will is pursuing electrical engineering--that boy will not give her a second look and if he does his mother might make suggestions for him to look elsewhere. So, you dd and future dh are getting by. Then your ds, who has a degree in accounting, shows up with his wife who has a degree in computer programming. Your ds is supporting his wife very well and she doesn't work or maybe she works very part time on a contract basis to "pay for extras" or to keep her hand in something she finds interesting. Guess where you ds met his wife? At college or maybe through his professional work. Your future dil is happily juggling a little extra work because she finds it intellectually stimulating and you ds likes his wife so happy. Your dd is talking about trying to find more overnight shift work to supplement the family income (not extras) without paying for childcare, she and her future husband are just plain tired, so tired it's hard to be happy and connect as a family and as a couple. 

 

If my dc have disparate living conditions in their adult lives, it will not be because I set them up to do so. 

[jelbe5]

I would encourage you continue to discuss the issue in a calm, respectful way. I am thinking there might possibly be teachings in your church, etc. regarding the roles of men and women. If this is the case talking to your pastor may not be helpful.

 

I'd like to respectfully point out that the Proverbs 31 Woman, as well as other women in the Bible, had businesses which allowed them income outside of the home.

 

Nursing is a great career as it offers flexibility and skills which may also be used within the family.

 

I have a Masters in Social Work. Even though I do not work outside the home right now, my degree has helped me so much, especially with regards to my son who has autism.

[ScoutTN]

What if her Mr. Right doesn't show up for years and years?

 

 

[DianeW88]

Well I can't give you my opinion on your husband's notion of education for women, because I would be breaking the rules. And I wouldn't be nice.

 

I would support my daughter in any way I could. This is her choice, not your husband's, not yours.

 

Also, I don't think the idea that college is the place to find a husband all that helpful, either. :confused1:  While I agree that it is a perfectly good place to find a mate, I don't think this idea that college is some sort of one-stop shop to snag a man too much better than the idea that women should skip higher education because their place is at home raising a family. I find it degrading.

 

It's a suggestion for the OP to present to her dh as to WHY her dd should go to college, because his main concern seems to be that she find a husband.  It was not meant to be the reason why any other female on the planet should attend college.  The OP was asking for ways to deal with her particular husband and his particular issues on women and higher education.  This argument might be a way she could convince a dh with a sexist attitude toward women that college would be ok for his dd...she could snag a man there.

 

And, I did meet my dh at college, as did my dd, but that wasn't our motivation for higher education.  It was collateral damage. :D

 

[justasque]

I have encouraged her to do whatever it takes to follow her heart, even if it means being on her own at 18. My sil has already told us she can move in with her if she wanted to. It just breaks my heart that we can not be in agreement on this.

 

You've gotten lots of good reasons for your dd to pursue her goal towards a nursing degree.  But giving your dh more information to convince him you're right is only part of the solution.  You need to create an environment where he, with your help, can explore his own thoughts and feelings, and play around with some "what if"'s.  

 

Focus on his feelings, without judgement, and help him talk through them.  Gently help him to think through the possibilities.  You haven't shared his reasons for his opinion; knowing his concerns will help you address them. Before you talk, take some time to listen.  "Dh, are you concerned that we will pay a lot of money for her education and she will end up not working?"  "Dh, are you concerned about her incurring student debt?"  "Dh, is your concern about nursing in particular, or higher education in general?"  "Dh, are there people you know who have gone down this path and had bad experiences?"  "Dh, are you worried that she may end up with more education than her future dh?  And that it might cause tension in their marriage?" "Dh, are you worried about dd living at college and getting involved with the wrong crowd or making bad choices?"  And so on.  Just listen to the answers.  Ask clarifying questions, focusing on his feelings.  Rephrase his responses to make sure you understand and give him a chance to clarify.  ("So, your concern is mainly financial."  "So, you feel she may not have the academic chops for nursing school."  "So, you worry about her spending so much time in a secular world.")  Let him know it's ok if he doesn't have answers or can't articulate them.  Don't immediately jump in with your own position - continue to focus on his thoughts and feelings.  After you have listened fully to his concerns, you will be in a much better position to address them.  And after he has had the opportunity to talk them out, he may be able to narrow them down to something more specific which can then be tackled.

 

After listening to his concerns, you can begin to share your concerns, one at a time.  Pause and let your dh address them. "I am concerned that if dd doesn't find a suitable husband in a year or two, she could flounder a bit."  Pause.  Give him time to ponder.  Listen to his response.  Help him explore it.  Then you can bring up another concern.  "I am concerned that if anything happens to dh's husband, like death or being disabled, she won't have a way to help support the family." Pause.  Listen.  "I am concerned that if God calls dd to work caring for others, such as ill children or elderly folks, she won't have as good a skill set as she could have if she continues to get an education in this area."   Pause.  Listen.  "I am concerned that if dd isn't spending her days with young people who are pursuing an education, she may end up with a dh who has few prospects, career-wise, which will affect her future family."  And so on.

 

Play around with what-if's.  Include more pausing, more listening.  A few "hmmm"s and "uh-huh"'s may be helpful.  "Dh, how do you see her spending her time after she graduates high school?"  "Dh, what if she lived at home during college, instead of in a dorm.  That way it wouldn't cost as much, and she'd still be under our oversight and guidance."  "Dh, what if we toured a few nursing schools, to get some specifics on cost and logistics, just to see what the options are."  "Dh, what if instead of going to the expensive school down the street, we explored some state schools."  "Dh, what if we talked to the Jones's, whose dd went to nursing school, to see how they addressed some of the concerns you've raised."

 

If your dh is at all a reasonable person, he is likely to come out of this process feeling better about your dd's goals, and feeling like his concerns are taken seriously (as they should be).  Having him on board will make your dd's path much, much smoother.  Give it a try.  Your dd's future is worth it.