What thoughts go/went/gone through your minds surrounding decision to stop family expansion?

[AnnaBeth]

What thoughts are going (went or may go) through your minds surrounding decision to continue or end family expansion?

 

I'm in the throws of this decision now.    I've just turned 38 years old and now that I'm well into "advanced maternal age" this topic has been on our minds of late.

 

We only have 1 child and he's age 7.      I was in poor health for the first 6 years of his life which precluded my having another child (but did manage to have a healthy pregnancy with him),and I've spent the last year and a half regaining my health and it's back!   So, now the option of having a baby is there, but I have some reservations.    My husband is leaving the ball in my court and said he'll be happy and supportive of my decision.      

 

There's the overwhelming thought of homeschooling with a baby (my son was a nightmare baby so all these memories are there --- colic, etc.).

There's my age and stamina.   There's the thought of aging parents with a teen.   There's the overwhelming thought of just not being empty nested and free to do more of "my thing" for once (I've NEVER done my thing in my entire life) so the thought of, if i had another, being empty nested at age 57!!!  is a bit of a bummer.   I haven't slept in past 7am for the past 7 years!!!  Parenting is tiring and homeschooling is a commitment in and of itself!

 

Then there's the part of me that so LOVES being a mom and parenting.   My husband and I SO love our son and parenting has been fun so there's part of me that dreads it being over.    As it is, I'll be empty nested at age 48 --- so I think, "What am I going to do for 20 years waiting on my husband to retire?"     I could go back to work but I didn't like my profession before I left it to have a child so I don't relish resuming it (I know I don't HAVE to do the same work again).   (FWIW, I don't have to go back to work for financial reasons).    I have always wanted to do mission trips, etc. and being 48 and empty nested frees me up to do these things.    Then there's the disliking of my son having no siblings.    

 

Please share what factors went into your (and your spouse/partner) decision to continue/discontinue having more children?

 

 

 

 

[JumpyTheFrog]

Are your health problems likely to return if you get pregnant?

 

Personally, I don't think you sound excited about the idea. It sounds more like you are considering it because you don't know what else to do.

[JumpyTheFrog]

We stopped because I had rough pregnancies and the second one made my poor health worse. I hope someday to be as healthy as I was before my first was conceived.

[mom@shiloh]

It's really going to depend on who you ask.  I come from a big family, have a big family, and had my last five when I was older than you are now.  No regrets.  Can you look down the road five years?  Will you regret having another baby, or will you regret just having one?  

[Aelwydd]

I think you can regret having another if it breaks your health or severely stress your family in other ways.

 

I'm the mom of an only ds, who is going on 11. I'm 36, so obviously getting to the "pee or get off the pot" stage. For me and dh, another baby would be desirable, but the kind of severe health problems pregnancy and the hormones I had with my ds make me extremely nervous about the prospect.

 

Unfortunately, you can't know if it will work out ahead of time. I think you have to make a leap of faith and choose to accept any costs. There are risks.

 

Have you considered fostering when your ds is older? That is another opportunity to expand your family, although there are many potential emotional risks to that as well.

 

It really depends on what risks you are comfortable with. Good luck!

[NicAnn]

We had another solely because we thought we should...for DDs sake. Anyway, we had him and I cannot imagine it any other way now.

 

I think babies out of obligation are probably not the best way to go...but for us it worked out magically.

 

Good luck with your decision!

[Heidi]

Well I wanted to stop at 5 kids for many reasons: Health, stress, I wanted my body back, homeschooling is difficult with preg and babies, I wanted to be a better mom to the kids I already had, wanted to do more things with the family that you can't do with little kids, I wanted to move on from the baby stage of parenting, we'd have to get a bigger car, I felt satisfied with 5,... On and on and on. These are good reasons to stop!

 

But then I had a very strong feeling I wasn't finished, that there was another child wanting to come to our family. It was more than a feeling. (Nothing like that ever happened with my other kids). I knew, despite all of my reasons for wanting to be finished, that it would be OK and work out fine. I cried though. It was tough. I wanted to be through. But now he is 6 weeks old and of course I have no regrets. He is perfect and beautiful. He is worth it!

 

But as I was pregnant with him I started thinking about what sort of permanent birth control I should get, because 6 is a crowd ya know! And i was really, Really done. But then one evening a similar experience happened. There's another one that wants to come. A girl. I cried again, but this time I realized it's really not about me or all my good reasons at all.

 

I would like to be finished after 7, but now I have a different perspective of birth. While I hate being pregnant and life is just hard and stressful with our crowd at times, and I don't get to do and be all of those things that I would like, I am still young(32) and healthy. Pregnancy and birth are fairly easy for me, we can financially support more children. and while most days I feel like I'm on the brink of insanity, I think we do provide good, happy home for our children. Each of our children have brought us joy we never imagined possible before they were here.

 

But that is me and my family. For you, you have a list of very good reasons for stopping now. But ** I ** cannot imagine you would regret having another baby in your circumstances if you chose to.

[Ravin]

Well...once upon a time I wanted 4. The space between DD and DS is 7 years because I waited for DH to be ready for #2. After DS was born, my 2nd c-sec, I found I wasn't willing to consider putting my body through that process again. And once I knew I was done with reproduction, I was free to finally figure myself out...a subject for a different post.

[Ali in OR]

Our family didn't feel complete before 3 kids. A part of me always liked the idea of a big family, but in reality, 3 felt good. We always had a higher than normal risk of birth defects after first was born with one, and she is severely disabled. Didn't really want to keep pushing our luck after 3rd was born when I was almost 37. You have to be ready to welcome whoever comes along, whatever issues they may have. If that doesn't feel comfortable, see if you can accept the idea that your family is complete as is.

[busymama7]

Well I wanted to stop at 5 kids for many reasons: Health, stress, I wanted my body back, homeschooling is difficult with preg and babies, I wanted to be a better mom to the kids I already had, wanted to do more things with the family that you can't do with little kids, I wanted to move on from the baby stage of parenting, we'd have to get a bigger car, I felt satisfied with 5,... On and on and on. These are good reasons to stop!

 

But then I had a very strong feeling I wasn't finished, that there was another child wanting to come to our family. It was more than a feeling. (Nothing like that ever happened with my other kids). I knew, despite all of my reasons for wanting to be finished, that it would be OK and work out fine. I cried though. It was tough. I wanted to be through. But now he is 6 weeks old and of course I have no regrets. He is perfect and beautiful. He is worth it!

 

But as I was pregnant with him I started thinking about what sort of permanent birth control I should get, because 6 is a crowd ya know! And i was really, Really done. But then one evening a similar experience happened. There's another one that wants to come. A girl. I cried again, but this time I realized it's really not about me or all my good reasons at all.

 

I would like to be finished after 7, but now I have a different perspective of birth. While I hate being pregnant and life is just hard and stressful with our crowd at times, and I don't get to do and be all of those things that I would like, I am still young(32) and healthy. Pregnancy and birth are fairly easy for me, we can financially support more children. and while most days I feel like I'm on the brink of insanity, I think we do provide good, happy home for our children. Each of our children have brought us joy we never imagined possible before they were here.

 

But that is me and my family. For you, you have a list of very good reasons for stopping now. But ** I ** cannot imagine you would regret having another baby in your circumstances if you chose to.

Wow your story is so similar to mine. After my sixth I was so done. My fifth was still born at term and I was at the end of my emotional rope. I just didn't think I could handle pregnancy again. I had the strongest impression of a boy waiting to come. I said fine but not now. We chose to space the next pregnancy and that little boy is now five. I have also had another girl and another boy. If your counting that's nine kids, eight on earth. I feel done for so many logical reasons but upon seeking the Lords guidance on BC choices I felt so strongly that we weren't to stop yet. I am now nine weeks pregnant ;)

 

I relate so much to what you wrote. I am not perfect by any means but I do think we are providing a happy home and my kids are turning out great ;). The Lord has blessed us immensely.

 

Sorry to derail but OP, I think it's a personal decision. I relate to your age concerns. I hope I can continue to keep up with my younger kids. Sleep deprivation is worse at 37 than it was at 21 ;). But I do not feel like there is anything else I want to do with my life. I have never fel like I should just have my kids and then raise them so I could get on with life. This is my life. And if I spend 40 years raising kids, well then I will be nothing but satisfied with my life :). Good luck to you.

[milovany]

Part of our decision to have a lot of kids came after we heard several couples, who were 50-65 years old, say they wished they'd had more kids and hadn't limited themselves to 1-3.  We never once heard anyone say they wished they'd had fewer.  Sure, many were just fine-and-dandy happy with the family they did have, but to hear not just one or two, but more, couples say they'd wished they'd had more than they'd had was encouraging to us.

 

We've had seven and God (or nature, or however you think about it) is saying we're done. I disagree that 38 is advanced maternal age, but that's because I'm 47, had two after age 40, and would have another should it be God's will.  Our last two are quite a pair and are going to keep us young at heart. 

 

[gardenmom5]

well,  we had wanted another, felt like there was one more, but it didn't happen.  I was getting older, never conceived, so I figured we were done - and not of our choice.  then, I got pregnant in my 40's.  we had that last one, and it felt like we were "done".

[bettyandbob]

You need to want the child no matter the outcome. You need to be in a position to not resent changes to your future, predicted and unpredicted. Changes will happen. Some may be wonderful. Some may not be great.

 

I love all my dc. Dh and I will not have the charmed retirement I might have predicted once. That's scary and OK. One of our three is making life very hard right now, but it's not the one born who was born when I was advanced maternal age (35) and who has disabilities. It is our oldest who is causing a lot of pain.

 

You have to be flexible to accept the joys and sorrows that come. I think the joys are well worth it.

[LucyStoner]

Part of our decision to have a lot of kids came after we heard several couples, who were 50-65 years old, say they wished they'd had more kids and hadn't limited themselves to 1-3. We never once heard anyone say they wished they'd had fewer. Sure, many were just fine-and-dandy happy with the family they did have, but to hear not just one or two, but more, couples say they'd wished they'd had more than they'd had was encouraging to us.

 

What exactly would possess a person, even a preternaturally honest person, to give considerable voice to idea that they wished they wouldn't have had a child they did in fact have? Or discuss openly and frankly how their life may have been better with a smaller family than they do have?

 

Of course more people say openly and freely that they wish they had more than say they wished they had fewer. It's 1000x less socially acceptable to state that one regrets having one or more children.

 

Just a perspective on why we hear one view and not the other.

 

My grandmother had 9 kids. She certainly wouldn't look at her kids and say which she wished she didn't have. Who could ever? But very privately she did express that having as many as she did wasn't a very happy situation much of the time for her. It's not a popular or friendly thing to think as a mother, much less be able to openly discuss.

[milovany]

What ....

 

Just sharing my perspective there.  Didn't analyze it or critique it for some kind of Absolutely Logical Thought Process.  Don't want to defend it/spend time on arguing for it.  Just stating what a part the decision was for us (and a small part at that). That one sentence wasn't the focus of my point and maybe I didn't even need to say it.  The rest of the post still holds. 

[Camelfeet]

I stopped having children because it meant that I would be less likely to do the things I want to do in life.  Travelling would be harder, housing more expensive, going back to university to get a masters one day would again be pushed back. Everything that I like to do would become more expensive.  I am looking forward to being an empty nester, despite my current enjoyment of parenting.  My youngest could be off to uni by the time I'm 40!  Right now the kids are old enough that they can be reasoned with, that they can be left to their own devices for a few hours.  I'm enjoying this stage in a way that I would not be able to do if I had to shift my priorities to a new baby/toddler.

 

That's pretty much why we stopped - I'm not willing to reset the clock on that 18 year kid commitment.  

     

 

 

[Mrs Mungo]

Lots of things went into the decision-age, finances, ability to help kids through college, retirement plans, etc.

[NASDAQ]

I'm not sure how useful I can be here, because I do think there's a very different thought process that goes into people who start out thinking about lots of kids, and people who are thinking in the 1-3 range. I seem to have an irrational, irrepressibly strong desire to have babies, and it's only lucky for all of us that my body has naturally sensible spacing. If it were up to me we'd be packed to the rafters and I couldn't mother the ones I have the way I want to.

 

I was born when my mother was 37 and my brother when she was 39. It's been different having older parents (my father passed when I was in my early twenties and my brother and I shifted into care-taking our mother at that time), but it's not bad. Just different.

 

Home schooling a seven-year-old and a baby is not awful. I have a seven-year-old and a one-year-old right now. It's not awful at all. The seven-year-old is mature enough to hold that thought while I attend to the baby's current pressing need. And the baby won't be a baby forever.

[Crimson Wife]

There's a really good book called "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids" by Bryan Caplan that I would encourage you to read. I have met TONS of women past childbearing age who've expressed regrets that they didn't have one more kid but only ever met one woman who said she wished she'd had fewer (and she had 10 "stairstep" kids using old-fashioned calendar Rhythm so I can totally understand that).

 

That said, we most likely are not going to try for any more biological children unless we get some answers about what caused youngest DD's autism. If someone could guarantee me that our next child wouldn't be any more severely impaired than DD is, we'd go for it. But we simply do not have the resources (financial or emotional) to deal with a severely disabled child.

 

Adoption is something that we might consider in the future.

[Laura Corin]

I had my second at 37.  For us there was a combination: having the number of children that we could cope with emotionally, physically and financially (both college and independent retirement); concern about our age (husband will be sixty by the time the last goes to university); concern about the increased risk of abnormalities in the child....

 

Addressing one of your specific questions: my eldest brother is seven years older than me. We never had a very obvious sibling relationship: he was always at a different stage and interested in different things to me, in addition to being a boy.  He left home before I was very aware of him as a distinct personality.  Our relationship is friendly but distant.  So having another child at this age may not give your child siblings in the sense that you may be anticipating.

 

Another thing to consider: if you rely on family support, or enjoy having grandparents involved in your child's life, the relationship may be very different if they are older when another child is born: they may not have the strength to be the fun grandparents they have been.  Both Husband and I are the youngest children of older parents, so the relationship between the grandparents and my children has not been hands-on.  My mother is now 89 and becoming quite frail.  All the other grandparents are dead.

 

ETA: we will probably be those older grandparents ourselves: middle class Brits don't usually have children before about thirty, so I will probably be at least 67 by the time Hobbes even thinks of having children, whilst Husband will be 74.

 

Good luck with your decision.

 

L

[elegantlion]

Aside from the fact my doctor highly suggested I not get pregnant again, we felt our family was complete with one. I was 30 when he was born, dh was 37. I don't miss the baby phase and Ds has been content being an only child.

[Onceuponatime]

We stopped because 1. I could have died with the last one. 2. Any more would be guaranteed c-sections. 3. At 40,  I was so, so tired of having babies and ready to quit. 

[Ausmumof3]

What exactly would possess a person, even a preternaturally honest person, to give considerable voice to idea that they wished they wouldn't have had a child they did in fact have? Or discuss openly and frankly how their life may have been better with a smaller family than they do have?

 

Of course more people say openly and freely that they wish they had more than say they wished they had fewer. It's 1000x less socially acceptable to state that one regrets having one or more children.

 

Just a perspective on why we hear one view and not the other.

 

My grandmother had 9 kids. She certainly wouldn't look at her kids and say which she wished she didn't have. Who could ever? But very privately she did express that having as many as she did wasn't a very happy situation much of the time for her. It's not a popular or friendly thing to think as a mother, much less be able to openly discuss.

[DawnM]

I am 47 and still not sure our family is complete!  I will not give birth again (at least I sincerely hope not!) but we have considered adoption.  My babies were born to me at 31 and 32, but both times I was a month or two away from turning the next age…..so roughly 33.    My youngest was adopted, but he was born when I was 38.   I don't feel like an "old" mom (well, most days anyway!)

 

But it really is up to you.  I was an only child and I hated it……but YMMV.

 

 

[Ausmumof3]

Our neighbours who had six kids strongly advised us to stop at three. They're older and from a different culture though.

[FaithManor]

It's simple for us. I have about an 85% chance of dying withnanother pregnancy. Despite two forms of bc,

we have four instead of of three and well, I adore my boy -.now 13- but was collossally fortunate to

be here to raise him...permanent, irreversible steps were taken to insure I would never be pregnant again.

 

So the decision was made for us even though dh, anatural baby man who would love to have an infant in

the house now at age 50, desperately wanted five children.

 

From your post, I got the impression that you could be content with one, and if you have had such a long

run of bad health, I would urge you to stop.and consider how you will handle two if your health does

not hold. You've only recently become healthy again so maybe before making a final decision it would be

wise to enjoy for a time and then revisit the issue and see how you feel then.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

DD12 was born when DW and I were 35, and about a year after a miscarriage. DW and I both have younger sisters, and while her sib relationship was strong, and remains pretty good, mine was horrid and remains non-existent. Her sister has 3 boys, tightly spaced, now in high school & college. I distinctly remember driving home from some event there and saying "let's be done," although I'm not sure what the details were now except that 2 of 3 of hers are on the spectrum, and that was before her divorce but in the thick of what led to it, so....interesting environment. So maybe it was fear. Maybe it's personality, maybe it's just how out family trio works and meshes so well. Maybe it's two first-born parents being control freaks. It probably has a little to do with thinking more than one kid would not be financially doable, and we have zero family support. Whatever. I love parenting one child. My 2 cents from the other side.

[ScoutTN]

I never decided. We have two healthy children who we love trmendously, but I would have loved to have more. In my heart, I'd love to be mommy to a houseful. I am 47 and my kids are 8 and 6. I will be 63 when DS graduates from college.

 

We married late; I was 36 and DH 35. We had infertility troubles and I cried many days and nights away overwhelmed by the thought that I would never be a mommy. The docs told me I had less than 1% chance of conceiving naturally and only about 4% chance with IVF. Through God's goodness and the means of acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine, I had two routine, healthy pregnancies and two healthy children. We tried for a third miracle baby, but never got one. Adoption is not a route we felt called to take, so we are a family of four. We trust that the LORD knows what is best for us and are happy with our lovely kids. 

 

I understand your concerns about being an older parent. It does present challenges, but I doubt you'd ever regret having that child, once he or she was in your arms. I can't speak to the challenges of homeschooling with an infant to care for too, but I'm sure someone will chime in. Beware of operating out of fear or out of standards inposed by an increasingly consumer-oriented culture - these are things that I find do not help me to make good decisions. 

 

I don't have any great wisdom, but I'd say for you and your DH to follow your heart on this one. What do you really want deep, deep, down? 

 

I hope you find a path that is right for you and your family.

 

 

 

[Walking-Iris]

The decision to have kids or to not have them is so personal and unique to the family and situation. For us we felt happy after our third. Like now we're all here. We also didn't want the financial stress of a bigger family. As beautiful as those babies are, the cost of living does increase with each one. I also was considering my age. I also wanted to spend time doing things that are difficult to do while pregnant or nursing. My births were easy, but my recovery time was harder with each child. I simply didn't want to increase the risk to my health any longer. 

 

My husband is the primary breadwinner and he expressed concern about the added responsibility with each child. And I respected that. It's a decision to be made together. I have older siblings, much older, so I was essentially raised like an only child. I don't feel as though I missed out on anything. I have friends who have made the choice to stay childless because they enjoy their life as a couple so completely. I have known people to Sat it isn't fair to have one and deny them a sibling. I don't that has any bearing on anything though. Onlies can be very happy. 

 

So many variables. I wish you well in your choice. 

[Walking-Iris]

There's a really good book called "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids" by Bryan Caplan that I would encourage you to read. I have met TONS of women past childbearing age who've expressed regrets that they didn't have one more kid but only ever met one woman who said she wished she'd had fewer (and she had 10 "stairstep" kids using old-fashioned calendar Rhythm so I can totally understand that).

 

That said, we most likely are not going to try for any more biological children unless we get some answers about what caused youngest DD's autism. If someone could guarantee me that our next child wouldn't be any more severely impaired than DD is, we'd go for it. But we simply do not have the resources (financial or emotional) to deal with a severely disabled child.

 

Adoption is something that we might consider in the future.

My oldest is on the spectrum. And there was a time I thought we wouldn't have another child. I read all the stats about siblings chances being increased. And I watched my two youngest development like a mommy hawk. But they have no signs of having any delays. 

 

I don't think there is any way for you to know what caused it. I wish there was. Or any guarantees.

[gardenmom5]

What exactly would possess a person, even a preternaturally honest person, to give considerable voice to idea that they wished they wouldn't have had a child they did in fact have? Or discuss openly and frankly how their life may have been better with a smaller family than they do have?

 

I don't understand the type - but they certainly do exist. my mother made no secret to me of me being an "accident" and that she'd thought about ending the pregnancy.  (in the early 60's)  I was into adulthood before she included she was glad she had me. my mothe'rs bff's son sued his dr for a failed vasectomy.  why?  becasue they had "another" child they hadn't wanted.  I've heard of too many cases of parents suing drs for "wrongful" births after failed sterilizations.   I feel sorry for the chidlren.

[Laura Corin]

Accidental post

 

L

 

[goldberry]

I have an only.  She was a very difficult baby, and frankly life was hell for the entire first year. 

 

I am not much of a "baby" person.  I started to enjoy DD in a real way when she was 3-4 and we could intereact actively (crafts, parks etc) and kept enjoying her more as time went on.  Of course I still loved her as a baby, but that was not the most enjoyable part for me, and in fact was distinctly not enjoyable and tons of work. There is tons of work after, but its different as we all know.

 

By the time DD was old enough that I even though about having another, DH and I both really didn't want to "start all over again" at all those stages that we were so glad we were past.  DD was about 8 or 9 by the time I realized she really would have done better with a sibling due to her personality.  But the age difference at that point would have not been ideal for her, and again, I really didn't want to start all over again.

 

I have a niece with three and she would have had more except for health issues.  She LOVES being a mom.  That's most of who she is.  I am not that person.  I have gained so much from being a mom...but I probably wouldnt' say I love it. I adore my dd, but I also I really look forward to the time when DH and I will have private time again, and when I can pursue my own interests. 

 

I think it's ok for some of us to feel that way. 

 

 

[lea_lpz]

A lot of couples are choosing to have only one child so if it's not really what you want I would not worry too much or feel bad. Perhaps you'll fulfill your dream as a missionary or maybe as your child gets older you will have more time to pursue your own interests and might find something you can pursue when your an empty nester.

 

I always knew I wanted at least 4 kids, wanted to be a SAHM and homeschool. I am expecting my 3rd. My dh feels done so this might be our last. I'd like 1 more but we'll have to see....

[Crimson Wife]

We also didn't want the financial stress of a bigger family. As beautiful as those babies are, the cost of living does increase with each one.

I've found that there is an "economy of scale" for most expenses associated with having another child. Now obviously things like health care and food do not follow this, but it definitely cost less per child to add younger siblings to the family.

[Crimson Wife]

My oldest is on the spectrum. And there was a time I thought we wouldn't have another child. I read all the stats about siblings chances being increased. And I watched my two youngest development like a mommy hawk. But they have no signs of having any delays. 

 

I don't think there is any way for you to know what caused it. I wish there was. Or any guarantees.

I think there are different considerations when it's the family's 1st child that has a developmental disability vs. the family's 3rd child.

 

I couldn't look my older kids in the eye and tell them that the money that has been saved for their college is now having to go to support their severely disabled youngest sibling and that they'll be responsible for taking care of him/her after DH and I are gone. Most likely that wouldn't happen, but the odds are high enough that we don't think it's worth taking the risk. As a Catholic, I am called to be "open to life" but that could mean adopting rather than having another bio child.

[HS Mom in NC]

What thoughts are going (went or may go) through your minds surrounding decision to continue or end family expansion?

 

I'm in the throws of this decision now.    I've just turned 38 years old and now that I'm well into "advanced maternal age" this topic has been on our minds of late.

 

Medically, yes, they use this term a lot.  What does that mean in real terms?  Homebirth midwives don't use this term and don't blink at 40 year old mothers, so be careful you're not looking at self-fulfilling prophecies caused by certain standards of practice in certain places.  Do you not know lots of women who had babies after 40?  I know so many and the vast majority had perfectly normal pregnancies and deliveries.

 

We only have 1 child and he's age 7.      I was in poor health for the first 6 years of his life which precluded my having another child (but did manage to have a healthy pregnancy with him),and I've spent the last year and a half regaining my health and it's back!   So, now the option of having a baby is there, but I have some reservations.    My husband is leaving the ball in my court and said he'll be happy and supportive of my decision.

 

Reservations about what?  Does pregnancy affect these medical issues?  Are you worried the medical issues will come back while you have a wee one?  When they came were they debilitating?  Were they significantly affecting your ability to parent your first child? How did you manage then?  If it happens again could it be as bad or worse?  Practically, how would it affect you? Would you need part time or live in help?

 

There's the overwhelming thought of homeschooling with a baby (my son was a nightmare baby so all these memories are there --- colic, etc.).

 

Have you not read about homeschooling children with significant challenges?  There are plenty of homeschoolers who have BTDT.  Have you read about how they've done it through a crisis or serious behavioral issues?  Maybe reading through links here about the nuts and bolts of dealing with significant issues will help you decide if it's for you or not.

 

Our middle daughter was breech and a c-section. Her colic was 6 hours of screaming every night from 6pm to midnight and constant "reflux" .  We took her to a chiropractor for 2 weeks and she never screamed or spit up again.  He diagnosed infant migraines.  At 9 she started having migraines that lasted 6 hours with vomiting. We manange them now (she's 16) through chiropractics, meds, and if need be, acupuncture, all of which her pediatric neurologist at PHX Children's Hospital recommended. She has a couple year.

 

 

There's my age and stamina.   There's the thought of aging parents with a teen.   There's the overwhelming thought of just not being empty nested and free to do more of "my thing" for once (I've NEVER done my thing in my entire life) so the thought of, if i had another, being empty nested at age 57!!!  is a bit of a bummer.

 

Do you know a lot of 57 year olds whose quality of life is so bad they can't do much to enjoy life?  I don't. Are your past medical issues likely to put you in this category?  Most people live happy, independent, active lives into their 70s these days assuming they're fairly medically normal. Most of my relatives and my husband's relatives live independently into their 80s and older.

 

  I haven't slept in past 7am for the past 7 years!!!  Parenting is tiring and homeschooling is a commitment in and of itself!

 

My youngest was adopted from S. Korea at 7 months old. My older two were 7 and 9 when she arrived.  She had severe sleep issues for a year and lesser sleep issues for another year. She couldn't sleep for more than an hour and a half for months.  Then she couldn't sleep for more than a few hours for months.  Night terrors, etc.  I homeschooled through all that. Was it worth it? Absolutely!  Were we willing to do it again later?  No, it was too much so we didn't adopt another.

 

 

Then there's the part of me that so LOVES being a mom and parenting.   My husband and I SO love our son and parenting has been fun so there's part of me that dreads it being over.    As it is, I'll be empty nested at age 48 --- so I think, "What am I going to do for 20 years waiting on my husband to retire?"     I could go back to work but I didn't like my profession before I left it to have a child so I don't relish resuming it (I know I don't HAVE to do the same work again).   (FWIW, I don't have to go back to work for financial reasons).    I have always wanted to do mission trips, etc. and being 48 and empty nested frees me up to do these things.    Then there's the disliking of my son having no siblings.

 

You can't have everything. Everything has pros and cons.  Most only children are closer to their parents than kids with siblings.  Some siblings have very close relationships with each other-others don't.  

 

You have to be into having a child because you want to parent.  

 

Are your medical issues and age going to eliminate you as a candidate for mission trips?

 

Please share what factors went into your (and your spouse/partner) decision to continue/discontinue having more children?

 

Finances-my husband started his own business so another international adoption was unlikely.

Medical Issues-my husband went through clinical depression and we finally opted for anti-depressants which exclude him from international adoption. They didn't help but we had to give it a try.

 

Family dynamics-1. my husband abandoned his faith and we had to start over in our marriage because I was now married to an unbeliever with no core beliefs so every aspect of parenting and living was affected.

 

2. There were medical and personality issues in adopting again.  My middle daughter is very rigid and has a hard time adapting to things and she was having medical issues that complicated life.

 

 

 

 

 

[LucyStoner]

2x post.

[LucyStoner]

I've found that there is an "economy of scale" for most expenses associated with having another child. Now obviously things like health care and food do not follow this, but it definitely cost less per child to add younger siblings to the family.

I agree but there is also a wide range of what parents want to be able to provide for their kids. For me, helping with college costs in a significant way is very important. I would be lying if I said that things like that didn't factor into our decision to most likely have 2-3 versus 5+. That is not a value judgment on those who don't plan to contribute as much or at all to college costs but it is just personally very important to us.

[Heather in Neverland]

I was 40 the year my youngest came along. I have contemplated more but in the end, I just "feel" too old. I don't have the same energy level I did with my first and second (my kids are all spaced 6 years apart).

 

And my family feels complete. It didn't until we got DD. Now it just does. I can't really explain it.

[73349]

For us it was not so much thoughts as feelings. Before DS was born, whenever I saw a baby, I knew I really, really, wanted one. Once I had him, that feeling was gone. I had what I wanted. I can appreciate other people's babies--my BFF has a cute little 4-month-old--with no longings. DH, as much has he adores DS, dreads even the thought of those sleepless nights. (DS had reflux and did not sleep through the night until age 2. He's a slightly high-maintenance kid overall.)

 

And DS does not long for a sibling. Recently he said, "Mom, don't buy another baby." [Yes, he knows where babies really come from.] I replied, "Don't worry: I might go for a daytime rental, but I have no plans to get us any more to keep."

 

So aside from the lists of pros and cons, which do bear considering, think about your feelings. Do you *want* another or only feel like you should?

[Mommy22alyns]

Before we had any kids, we thought 2.  We purposely wanted the girls to be close together in age.  When I was pregnant with Sylvia, I had complete placenta previa that landed me on hospital bedrest for a month before delivering her via C-section at 36 weeks.  It was a huge strain on everyone and we needed a lot of family help, which we fortunately had at the time.  

 

We don't have that help now.  I have a 25-30% chance of the previa recurring - not odds I care  to play.  I feel like the 2 year age spread is wonderful and I don't want widely spaced children.  We have a perfect pair, they're 2 years and 3 days apart.  They love each other and are very close.  If we had a third, I know Rebecca would be tickled, but I don't know how Sylvia would like being the middle child.  And I'd feel like I should have #4 so #3 would have a companion.

 

Add to  that that Rebecca is a competitive gymnast, which takes a lot of time and money.  We're already stretched, and I feel like we couldn't provide for any more children.

 

Oh yes, and I'm not sure I would want to find out how to homeschool 3 or more!

[AnnaBeth]

Are your health problems likely to return if you get pregnant?

 

Personally, I don't think you sound excited about the idea. It sounds more like you are considering it because you don't know what else to do.

No, my health problem isn't going to return thankfully.

 

As for sounding excited.....I didn't sound excited when we decided to start trying to have our first child.   I had a 100 reasons why "maybe NOW isn't the best time...."   I'm just wired that way.   I'm not into KICKOFF of much of anything.   We decided that since I was 30, it was just the right time/age to begin.   We'd been married six years.    Once we had conceived (on the first try), I was happy as a clam and loved pregnancy and baby stage and have loved motherhood.   Just ENTERING into it is scary.   I have no doubt that if we did conceive again, I'd be happy as a clam AGAIN.      

 

It's really going to depend on who you ask.  I come from a big family, have a big family, and had my last five when I was older than you are now.  No regrets.  Can you look down the road five years?  Will you regret having another baby, or will you regret just having one?  

The idea that I will regret having another is a huge deal.   I think stuff about issues like when I'm old and my son is the only one caring for aging parents....will I regret?    Or, when he's at my or my husband's funeral (whichever of us goes last) and he has NO siblings....will I regret it?    When he's a grown man and has no (biological) nieces/nephews....when he's sick (in his own elder years) and we're gone, who will care for him (Esp if he doesn't marry or if they're divorced etc.).    I have NEVER liked having an only child.   It has always been painful for me to look out on our 12 acres and see him romping it alone.   I and my husband both have siblings.   My husband has NEVER thought too much of his being an only....mostly I think because he's not home all day with us seeing it up close.    And, when he's home, he's playing with our son, so he doesn't observe him being alone.    It would have never been something I OPTED for (obviously I don't JUDGE anyone who prefers having an only; it just wasn't my own first choice).      Esp because we homeschool --- being an only is harder socially.    Educating an only is easier obviously.    We live out in the booooonies, so meeting up for playdates is tough.      But...back to your point....yes, the idea that I'll REGRET NOT having another weighs heavily on my mind.

 

We had another solely because we thought we should...for DDs sake. Anyway, we had him and I cannot imagine it any other way now.

 

I think babies out of obligation are probably not the best way to go...but for us it worked out magically.

 

Good luck with your decision!

That's part of my thoughts....but that's not all of it as I KNOW without any shadow of a doubt that I'd love that next one as an individual and, as hard as it is to imagine, I also KNOW that I'll LOVE he'she JUST AS MUCH as I love my son.    For that reason, I don't feel guilt over that.     As far as looking out for the 2nd (unborn) child....I'm protective of he/she also in that I think how HARD it will be on him/her when my son leaves home.    He / She will be 9 years old when a person who's been MORE in her life than his/her own father, namely my son (only because my husband works 45-50 hours/week at his job and  would not be PHYSICALLY home as much), will LEAVE.     I think, "How hard will this be for the little one!?!!"    So, I'm not only thinking of the implications for my son.   I'm equally thinking of the unborn's well being.    I also think, "The 2nd born won't have first cousins his / her age as my son has..."    (My son was born with the last group of kids among us and our siblings.  He has 7 first cousins -- five of which are within 4 years older than he and 3 of which are within 14 months of his age.)      So, by the time this baby would arrive the next oldest cousin would be age 8!    All this to say.... looking out for my son's benefit in having a sibling is not negating the well-being of the next child.

 

 

Our family didn't feel complete before 3 kids. A part of me always liked the idea of a big family, but in reality, 3 felt good. We always had a higher than normal risk of birth defects after first was born with one, and she is severely disabled. Didn't really want to keep pushing our luck after 3rd was born when I was almost 37. You have to be ready to welcome whoever comes along, whatever issues they may have. If that doesn't feel comfortable, see if you can accept the idea that your family is complete as is.

I don't feel complete.    But, part of me wonders if this is because my family doesn't match my long-held (since girlhood) notion of what I "wanted".      I always said two to four kids (and my husband said 2 or 3 when we were courting and discussing our ideals/desires in this regard.      And, I have NO doubt I'm ready to WELCOME whoever comes along.   I'm extremely mothering.   I MOTHER any/everything.   I leave wads of cotton/straw near squirrels in case they want to add onto their winter quarters.   I've always been overboard mother wise.    My mom says that why I'm so "spent" --- because I'm not good at doing anything for ME.   I'm the type that gets up and checks to see if everyone in the family is covered.  I'll bring in a beach towel and oil and offer to massage my husband's back several times a week......all this to say, I'm extremely mother-y.    My sister can't fathom why I don't have a passle of kids as I was the one playing house/dolly and eager to babysit, etc. 

 

Part of our decision to have a lot of kids came after we heard several couples, who were 50-65 years old, say they wished they'd had more kids and hadn't limited themselves to 1-3.  We never once heard anyone say they wished they'd had fewer.  Sure, many were just fine-and-dandy happy with the family they did have, but to hear not just one or two, but more, couples say they'd wished they'd had more than they'd had was encouraging to us.

 

We've had seven and God (or nature, or however you think about it) is saying we're done. I disagree that 38 is advanced maternal age, but that's because I'm 47, had two after age 40, and would have another should it be God's will.  Our last two are quite a pair and are going to keep us young at heart. 

 

FWIW, milovany...I saw your post a completely benign.   I don't get the negative comments thrown at it.  Thanks for this.  I too have met these couple who confess their regret at not having had more kids === which basically was their saying that they LOVED the parenting phase of their lives most and had a blast in this era and hated it to end.  And, my take home from these comments also was that the empty nest freedoms doesn't necessarily override the fun of parenting and having chickadees in the nest.     I don't think it'd be taboo or wrong to say (as my MIL), "I loved my children, but when they were gone, I was happy also and ready to move onto another adventure."    I think people would readily (shamelessly) say, "We were happy with our 3 and, for us, that was the right number."    

 

 

I had my second at 37.  For us there was a combination: having the number of children that we could cope with emotionally, physically and financially (both college and independent retirement); concern about our age (husband will be sixty by the time the last goes to university); concern about the increased risk of abnormalities in the child....

 

Addressing one of your specific questions: my eldest brother is seven years older than me. We never had a very obvious sibling relationship: he was always at a different stage and interested in different things to me, in addition to being a boy.  He left home before I was very aware of him as a distinct personality.  Our relationship is friendly but distant.  So having another child at this age may not give your child siblings in the sense that you may be anticipating.

 

Another thing to consider: if you rely on family support, or enjoy having grandparents involved in your child's life, the relationship may be very different if they are older when another child is born: they may not have the strength to be the fun grandparents they have been.  Both Husband and I are the youngest children of older parents, so the relationship between the grandparents and my children has not been hands-on.  My mother is now 89 and becoming quite frail.  All the other grandparents are dead.

 

ETA: we will probably be those older grandparents ourselves: middle class Brits don't usually have children before about thirty, so I will probably be at least 67 by the time Hobbes even thinks of having children, whilst Husband will be 74.

 

Good luck with your decision.

 

L

Touching on your comment about the age gap between you and your brother....I DO worry about the age gap being too large for them to have much of a relationship but I'd hope that the homeschooling (and them being together SO much) may make up for the gap.   But.....I also realize that the gap may be too large and I'm prepared for the baby just to be mine/for us.  The second concern about that is that I HIGHLY doubt my husband would be on board with having another on the heels of #2 so I'd have to be prepared of watching ANOTHER lonely-LOOKING child romping on my huge property and my being much more of the playmate (which can be tiring!).    

 

For us it was not so much thoughts as feelings. Before DS was born, whenever I saw a baby, I knew I really, really, wanted one. Once I had him, that feeling was gone. I had what I wanted. I can appreciate other people's babies--my BFF has a cute little 4-month-old--with no longings. DH, as much has he adores DS, dreads even the thought of those sleepless nights. (DS had reflux and did not sleep through the night until age 2. He's a slightly high-maintenance kid overall.)

 

And DS does not long for a sibling. Recently he said, "Mom, don't buy another baby." [Yes, he knows where babies really come from.] I replied, "Don't worry: I might go for a daytime rental, but I have no plans to get us any more to keep."

 

So aside from the lists of pros and cons, which do bear considering, think about your feelings. Do you *want* another or only feel like you should?

I've never felt complete with just one.  That's not to say I haven't been happy with him, but just to say that I wish he wasn't our only.

[Wilma]

We have 4 little girls - 2, 4, 6, and 8.  I would have seriously considered having more if I could have been guaranteed another girl!  But alas, all of my babies were c-section births, so at 4 the doc was pretty grave talking about the risks of additional children.  So our littlest gal is our last babe.

[Classic Mom]

I've found that there is an "economy of scale" for most expenses associated with having another child. Now obviously things like health care and food do not follow this, but it definitely cost less per child to add younger siblings to the family.

I agree with with you until you factor in college expenses. If you are expecting your children to attend college and expecting to pay the cost, then that is a large expense to consider.

[Shelly in IL]

At 47, I look back and wish we had two more kids. At 47- I'm not going to have one now!

[oneddmanybooks]

We never decided to quit, but God only gave us one. Frankly, my first thought was - Are you kidding me? 38? I know many women who have had babies after that age. All the babies and moms were very healthy too. (I know the statistical risks for disabilities etc. go up as the parents get older). Would you be comfortable just leaving it in God's hands for now?

[Evergreen State Sue]

My dh and I didn't have our first until I was 37.  I felt the clock ticking and so we had our second when I was 38-3/4.  Not only did we want more than one child, we wanted our first born to have a sibling like we have.  My mom died before I was married and I was so glad to have my siblings to lean on.  My dad died before our first was born, and again I was glad to have my siblings.  I am the youngest in my generation.  My sister is 8 years older, my brother was 4 years older, and my 1st cousins who I am the closest to are 8 and 10 years older than me.  I was always close to my sister and girl cousins, and the closer I got to be an adult, that age difference didn't make a difference.  You mentioned your son being the only one to care for you when you and your husband are older.  Sometimes sons don't even take on that caregiver role.  Usually it is the daughter or maybe a daughter-in-law for the mother.  My mil had 4 kids, the last born son when my dh was 14.  Now 40 some years later, my dh and this brother are the closest of the siblings.  I wish you well in your decision making process. 

[awisha.]

I would love to have more children but it just is not going to happen. The big things for me is my body could not handle another big baby, my body hates being pregnant and I get bad PPD. We are still trying to save up for DH to get snipped and I can't get my tubes done until I am in my 30's (stupid rules in the area I live).

You need to make the decision which is best for *you* and *your* life.

[littlebug42]

I have had two very difficult pregnancies and two miscarriages.  I cannot physically go through being pregnant again.  I feel it would also be doing a disservice to my family to knowingly remove myself from their lives for a year, because I can only function at the most basic of levels while pregnant.  I have a commitment to my husband and our children and they deserve the best I can give them.  I do not feel the urge for any more children.