A "should I be upset" question about leaving an extended family trip without saying goodbye

[Kari C in SC]

Okay, this is long and I am gonna try to make it shorter.

 

My oldest son that passed away had a best friend, P, that sorta became one of my other kids when he was 11. His mom left his dad and he became our family.  P was not homeschooled, but because of his friendship with my son, met many of our homeschooled friends.  B was a girl in our homeschool circle that we met when she was 12.  She was friends with my son and because of this friendship, P and B started dating and got married.  They now have 2 little girls ages 4 and 4 months.  Since my oldest son passed away, P and B have gotten very close with us.  P is not close with is parents and they asked that we take the roll of grandparents to their kids.  Overall, it has been a positive experience.  They do live in Florida and we live in South Carolina, so our visits are limited.

 

Back in May, P and B were able to buy Florida Resident 3 day tickets to Disney.  We decided to upgrade their tickets to Florida Resident Season Passes for about $210.  Our thoughts were that I would be taking the kids to Disney for a week in November and we could all enjoy a vacation together.  We also used our hotel points to get them a hotel for a few nights while they were at Disney.  The trip came around and things were not great.  B was not in a theme park mood and it showed.  Each day, we would text them when we got to the park and see where to meet, etc.  On Friday, our last day of the trip, I texted P that we were at Animal Kingdom.  This was around noon.  About 1:30, I get a text saying, "we are back in Clearwater (90 minutes from Disney). B and the kids weren't feeling great, so we got up and left this morning." I was shocked! My 15 year old that is very close to P and considers him her brother, just sat and cried.  The only reason I didn't cry was because an old friend had also come to visit with us that day and I didn't want to lose my composure in front of her.  After my friend left, I called my husband and I had an ugly cry in the middle of an Animal Kingdom gift shop.  I had their girls Christmas presents to give them, clothes I had bought for the girls, as well as an advent calendar their little girl had chosen in Disney. I was expecting to give them to them when we all said our goodbyes at the end of the trip.  My kids were so upset. They don't do well not saying goodbye after knowing that sometimes bad things happen and people die and well, it was emotional. We, most likely, will not be seeing them for at least another year.  

 

We were staying onsite at Disney and their hotel was about 10 minutes away. I could have drove over to say goodbye.

 

P and B's reason for not calling us and telling us they were leaving was they forgot. They didn't think about it till they got my text.  In the conversations since then, it was revealed that they weren't sick, just not enjoying the trip because they are not theme park people.

 

So, my question is am I overreacting or was this really rude and hurtful?  Would you ever leave a trip without saying goodbye unless there was an emergency involved? Thanks for reading this long post. I really do appreciate it.  

 

 

[katilac]

Rude, hurtful, and immature. I'm sorry they were so thoughtless. 

 

 

 

[zoobie]

It was rude, but I would bet there were some other dynamics going on within his family that had nothing to do with you. I would be hurt too. :grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

It was rude and thoughtless. I am sorry they left without saying goodbye.

 

If this kind of thoughtlessness is atypical for them, I would wonder if there was something else going on that had nothing to do with you. (Marital difficulties, facing an unexpected pregnancy with two little ones already, something going on with extended family that they're not comfortable sharing....) I also found myself wondering how the vacation plans came about, and wondered if P had made the plans for your families to vacation together without asking B.

 

Many hugs. I would be shocked and upset and very hurt.

 

Cat

 

 

[Alte Veste Academy]

Did they invite you along (they meaning P & B together) or did you invite yourself along?

 

I do think it was rude to leave without saying goodbye, especially if they knew you had gifts to give.

[Kari C in SC]

It was rude and thoughtless. I am sorry they left without saying goodbye.

 

If this kind of thoughtlessness is atypical for them, I would wonder if there was something else going on that had nothing to do with you. (Marital difficulties, facing an unexpected pregnancy with two little ones already, something going on with extended family that they're not comfortable sharing....) I also found myself wondering how the vacation plans came about, and wondered if P had made the plans for your families to vacation together without asking B.

 

Many hugs. I would be shocked and upset and very hurt.

 

Cat

 

I made the plans with his wife, B. I, initially, asked them both if they would like upgraded tickets and to meet us for a few days in November.  They both enthusiastically agreed.  I made the logistical dates, hotel, etc details with B because she is the go to person for those things.

 

I agree that something more may have been going on, but feel like at the very least they could have texted us before they left.

[Kari C in SC]

Did they invite you along (they meaning P & B together) or did you invite yourself along?

 

I do think it was rude to leave without saying goodbye, especially if they knew you had gifts to give.

 

It was a mutual plan back in May. I asked if they wanted upgraded tickets and to spend a few days together and they accepted the offer.

[Word Nerd]

It was thoughtless and inconsiderate, and I completely understand why you were upset. However, I don't think it's healthy for you to hold onto the hurt and keep dwelling on it, especially since you've discussed it with them since then. Didn't this happen last month? 

[Cinder]

I don't know. There may be more to their side of the story than they want to share. I think it's ok for P to put his wife and kids before extended family. I'm sure that's based on my own experience of suddenly being in an uncomfortable situation and dh (then fiance) dropping everything to be with me. MIL was upset at the time because SIL had driven 500 miles to visit for a few days; I lived an hour away. So when I called dh he told them he had to go and immediately drove off to see me.

 

Dh said, at the time, he felt it was more important to be with me than with his family. Perhaps something like that is what's happening here?

 

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. I'm sure my MIL's feelings were hurt too. It was something we were all able to get past, though. I hope you all will be able to continue your good relationship as well. :grouphug:

[Kari C in SC]

It was thoughtless and inconsiderate, and I completely understand why you were upset. However, I don't think it's healthy for you to hold onto the hurt and keep dwelling on it, especially since you've discussed it with them since then. Didn't this happen last month? 

 

I agree with you and am trying to move past it.  It did happen just before Thanksgiving.  I answered his text about them going home that I was really disappointed and it was probably not best that I say any more at that time. I didn't want to speak emotional things when I was so upset. I didn't address it the week of Thanksgiving because I, honestly, didn't want to put a damper on anyone's holiday. I sent them a message after Thanksgiving saying how hurt I was about them leaving and that I really had tried to share a nice trip with them. It has escalated into me being told that I was overreacting about them leaving, etc.  

[happi duck]

I would be hurt.

 

On the other hand, I know people who do this so I can totally believe it did not occur to them.

[Word Nerd]

I agree with you and am trying to move past it.  It did happen just before Thanksgiving.  I answered his text about them going home that I was really disappointed and it was probably not best that I say any more at that time. I didn't want to speak emotional things when I was so upset. I didn't address it the week of Thanksgiving because I, honestly, didn't want to put a damper on anyone's holiday. I sent them a message after Thanksgiving saying how hurt I was about them leaving and that I really had tried to share a nice trip with them. It has escalated into me being told that I was overreacting about them leaving, etc.  

 

:grouphug:  I know it's easier said than done and hope you're able to move past it.

[Jaz]

I've learned that friends can have a different view than our family of what "vacationing" together looks like. Even so, I would also be very upset. I hope you're able to let it go.

[QueenCat]

You are not overreacting. At minimum, they should have contacted you, and allowed you the opportunity to come say good-bye.

[Tammyla]

You were upset, you told them.  The next part is letting go of the anger and hurt and moving on; that takes time, especially for moms when their children's feelings were hurt. 

 

Not everyone loves big vacations and something else that they want to keep private was probably going on.  I also imagine, DW with an infant and 4 yr old could be overwhelming for many couples.

 

I'm sorry it worked out so badly for your family. :grouphug:  

[Renthead Mommy]

I've learned that friends can have a different view than our family of what "vacationing" together looks like. 

 

 

This.  Plus some people have very different views about 'goodbye' as well. 

 

Plus if they aren't theme park people, trying to do something like with a 4 year old and 4 month old may have, in the end, been just WAY more than what they wanted/could deal with.  

 

But I'll also bet there was also something more going on than you knew. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think you had reason to be hurt.  And you told them about it at the time, which is good.  Is it the fact that they did understand where you are coming from that has made it a lingering hurt?  Is it the fact that you haven't gotten a sincere apology?  

[lavender's green]

It sounds rude and/or thoughtless, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were other dynamics going on that you weren't aware of (either within their family or between the two families), and so their actions seemed sensible or acceptable to them.  I also don't blame a man for putting his wife and kids first, even if they should have been a heck of a lot more graceful about it.

[kewb]

Yes, it was rude, thoughtless, and inconsiderate. I would be very hurt.  However, you did tell them how were you feeling and they acknowledged their thoughtless behavior.  It also sounds like something else is going on with them that has nothing to do with you.  I would try to let it go and move forward.  Easier said then done, I know.

[myfunnybunch]

 I sent them a message after Thanksgiving saying how hurt I was about them leaving and that I really had tried to share a nice trip with them. It has escalated into me being told that I was overreacting about them leaving, etc.  

 

It sounds to me like in addition to feeling shocked and hurt, you feel like the effort you put into planning something special for them wasn't appreciated. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Very gently, if someone said the bolded to me, I would feel as though they were trying to force an apology, and I would feel defensive. When people feel defensive, things tend to escalate. I see that your intention was to express your hurt honestly, not to make them feel guilty, but if they're already feeling badly about how they handled the situation then they might not be able to see that. :grouphug:  To be clear, I don't think you're in the wrong, here, just sharing that they might have perceived your words differently than you meant them.

 

It might take some time for you to let go of the hurt, but it sounds like you are a wonderful presence in their lives, and they in yours. They're young, and it sounds like at least one of them hasn't had the greatest model for family communication. This could be a great opportunity to model grace and to learn more deeply about how to have a strong loving relationship with one another.

 

Cat

[Trish]

I agree it was odd, but with super young kids (and who knows what was going on with B if she seemed *off* from the beginning), there's no way to know.

 

Also, I'm wondering how good the communication was. Normally if we're vacationing WITH someone (ie planning to meet them on a regular basis), then the plans for the next day would be discussed the night before. Or, if they weren't quite sure, then contact would be made in the morning, by text or phone or both. So since this was nearing the end of the trip, where did you think they were in the morning? Were they aware you had bought gifts for their kids? Etc.

 

If things were pretty loosey goosey, and the wife had some issue going on (probably having nothing to do with you), then that may have taken precedence.

 

I still think they should've arranged a good-bye.

 

 

[Alicia64]

I agree that something else is going on here. Who knows what it is -- possible morning sickness, childhood illness that they haven't revealed, his own dysfunction coming from a dysfunctional family -- but whatever it is, it's not you. (Sometimes young people can do really dumb things. I know whereof I speak.)

 

He's so, so fortunate to have you.

 

Can we have you??

 

Hugs.

 

Alley

[LostSurprise]

I might be sad, but I wouldn't be deeply hurt and I wouldn't take it personally. 

 

I remember many times back when we had littlies that there was something we thought we could pull off (vacation, week-long stay, all-day excursion) and it just would not work. At all. Many times we were with someone who had no idea what effort we were putting in to being with them. It would be awful. After some time, we learned that sometimes you just have to go home. It's not that we don't love you, and we will see you again soon, but a line is crossed (someone starts puking, the keys are lost again, an argument) and that's it. That's all we can take as a couple. 

 

We were usually pretty good about calling about this stuff, but maybe it was just a humdinger of a fight and you were forgotten for an hour or two. Don't take it personally. 

[TracyP]

I am afraid that I may be one of those rude people. I left a family reunion early over the summer. We were tired and ready to go when the last day rolled around. I didn't realize until later that one of the families was upset that we left without saying goodbye. At the time, it never occurred to me that I was being rude. We had a good time with all the families, said goodbye to some that were up and leaving when we were, and that was that. I felt awful that it upset them, but it was an honest oops on my part. I am closer to this family than any other, but I just didn't think about saying goodbye that morning.

 

It does sound rude the way you wrote it. You have every right to be upset, but I also think you are overreacting by not letting it go. I don't like to think of myself as a thoughtless person, but maybe I am at times. I don't mean anything personal by it. I'm sure they didn't either.

[Parrothead]

It seems odd to me.  The fact that it did not occur to them to call you shows a lack of appropriate social education. One just doesn't ditch people, especially those people who have upgraded one's accommodations. It was careless, thoughtless and rude.

 

You've let your feelings be known and they still don't "get" it, then they never will.  You've learned an expensive lesson - don't buy these kids anything for which you don't want an appropriate response. It also cost you emotionally.  For that I'm sorry.  But you will have to try to let it go.

[Katy]

It was thoughtless and rude, but having said that I would make the assumption that there *was* something else going on that you didn't know about and I'd make a decision to forgive them and move on.  Mail the gifts, and next time let them make the decision to come visit you.

[Muttichen]

I lost a close friend when I was 17.  I have stayed very close to his parents, but I always feel emotional around them and the dynamic can cause problems with my dh. It's a complicated relationship because being around them brings up strong feelings and memories. I'm on edge and little things get blown out of proportion.  I don't act as rationally as I should.  I could see my dh being ready to pack up and go home in that kind of situation, and I would never tell them why for fear it would hurt them.   I think you are right to feel upset, but consider that his love for your son might have had something to do with it.

 

:grouphug:  

[Plink]

I have been in their shoes.  DH was friends with a boy who died young.  He was then "adopted" into their family as a bit of a replacement for the son.  They enjoy seeing him mature, have attended our family events (from across the globe) and spoil our little ones.

 

It isn't an easy position to be in.  Everything we do is related back to the deceased boy, and given undue weight.  I feel so sorry for the mom, but my DH isn't her son.  He can't be.  Similarly, we aren't her family (despite her repeated statements to the contrary) and our relationship will never be that of family, no matter how hard we try to meet her needs.  Visiting with her is emotionally exhausting, and I can easily see us needing to leave early, especially with kids in tow.

 

OP, I am sorry that they didn't say goodbye, and I am sorry that you lost your son.  The best thing you can do for this family is to give them a bit of space. I'm sure your relationship with them will be okay in the long run.

[Melissa in Australia]

It was rude, but I would bet there were some other dynamics going on within his family that had nothing to do with you. I would be hurt too. :grouphug:

:iagree:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[JuanitaL]

I have been in their shoes.  DH was friends with a boy who died young.  He was then "adopted" into their family as a bit of a replacement for the son.  They enjoy seeing him mature, have attended our family events (from across the globe) and spoil our little ones.

 

It isn't an easy position to be in.  Everything we do is related back to the deceased boy, and given undue weight.  I feel so sorry for the mom, but my DH isn't her son.  He can't be.  Similarly, we aren't her family (despite her repeated statements to the contrary) and our relationship will never be that of family, no matter how hard we try to meet her needs.  Visiting with her is emotionally exhausting, and I can easily see us needing to leave early, especially with kids in tow.

 

OP, I am sorry that they didn't say goodbye, and I am sorry that you lost your son.  The best thing you can do for this family is to give them a bit of space. I'm sure your relationship with them will be okay in the long run.

 

I can understand this kind of a situation happening (perhaps not with the OP, but in general).

[Little Nyssa]

Disney with a 4 yr old and 4 month old? To me that sounds like a horrible experience.  You were kind to treat them, but they probably didn't realize how difficult it would be til they were there.  They were unkind not to say goodbye, but they were probably having a rough time.  

 

 

[elegantlion]

I would be hurt, but I would come to the conclusion that even though it reflects on me, it's not necessarily about me - if that makes any sense. Sounds like there was something going on all week. In my own mind I would go back through every conversation to see if I missed a clue of something amiss. In the end, I would let it go. 

[poppy]

Forgive them, is my advice. Whether you get an apology or not. It was rude but not cruel- and not unforgivable. They just screwed up. It happens. They are family. I don't know many people who have never been hurt by or disappointed with other adult family members.

[Mrs Mungo]

Sometimes you just can't make everyone happy. I would assume that there were things going on with his little family that he didn't tell you about. I wouldn't assume he meant to hurt you. I am sorry that he did hurt you.

[inmyopinion]

Just one thought, with kids that young, trips like that are a lot of stress and I know that I have not always been at my best, especially with a 4 month old.  Not trying to make excuses, I just remember a family trip where I was sleep deprived, feeling icky, and I was not on my best behavior.  I hadn't meant anything by it, it was just all I could do to make it through a day.