How far should I push this with my SIL? - family photo

[WagsWife]

I would compromise and go with the white color, but leave out the polos for your family. I don't think it will look bad--the worst possible case is that everyone else will look like Stepford clones, and your family will look like the normal ones. Maybe it is snarky, but if she insists on her family wearing the polos, then at least you can sit back and be happy with how your family looks whenever you see the picture.

[MrsMommy]

I don't wear polo shirts ever, either. And I don't think that close family who knows me well enough to know that I would never, ever be seen in public in one would want a picture of me wearing something they know isn't me.

 

This is a gift for your parents, and they won't want a picture of you being somebody you're not. Yeah, it might just be a white polo, but if that's not you, then it shouldn't be in the picture.

 

If you can't compromise with sil about wearing something else, don't do it. There's no reason you should have to look at a picture of your family that you hate every time you visit your parents.

[swellmomma]

The photographer saying coordinating outfits is not the same as having to be in identical ones though.  I mean even when the kids wear their own style of clothes of photos I still try to coordinate them for family pictures.  THe last time we did them it was a red/black/silver pallette, each of us wore what we liked but within that pallette and the group picture turned out great.  What you don't want is suzy showing up in a party dress in red, and sarah showing up in purple leggings and a skull and cross bones shirt, and johnny in a salmon polo, while mitch is in a lime green muscle shirt etc.  The clashing makes the photo ugly imo.  BUT the idea of everyone being all matchy-matchy is certainly getting outdated. 

Quick question about photo location.  If outdoors in vibrant colored fall leaves in the background the white shirts look sharp, if indoors with fake backgrounds the white shirts leave people looking washed out.  If an indoor photo shoot I would have thought navy blue, or black would look much better or a color pallete like a pp mentioned of pastels, or darks etc, in different styles but coordinated is much better. 

It sounds like SIL had her thoughts of what coordinating means and it doesn't sound flattering at all.

[fairfarmhand]

I think that if some of yours come in khaki's with white button up and you wear a white v neck with jeans and some colored accessories, perhaps someone else in jeans with a nice white top (colored scarves would look great) and some other color you may end up looking like the cute, tastefully dressed part of the family.

 

IOW, the white tops don't have to look hokey or cheesy, if you are careful with accessorizing.

 

This is what I would do in place of cheesy polos. I would not wear polos. I would not condemn my family to an unflattering photo over Granny's mantle for years to come.

[fairfarmhand]

Look at these pics...

 

some polos, some not polos looks fine.

 

 

 

 

Here is a site with lots of picture/wardrobe ideas.

 

http://www.suzetteallen.com/Site-Files/PRICESANDINFO/What-to-Wear/Family-Clothing-Outdoor/i-fgmSbxn

 

I think you can make this work and not look like the fashion challenged part of the family.

 

You should be thankful that she chose white, which will be a neutral palette to display your gorgeous fashion style!

 

;)

[Scarlett]

I haven't read the entire thread...but I had the thought that maybe your SIL doesn't really want you guys in the photo?

 

Maybe she was encouraged to ask you by your brother and was relieved when it wouldn't work for you and now that it will work she is just not that cooperative.

[Moxie]

Look at these pics...

 

some polos, some not polos looks fine.

 

 

 

 

Here is a site with lots of picture/wardrobe ideas.

 

http://www.suzetteallen.com/Site-Files/PRICESANDINFO/What-to-Wear/Family-Clothing-Outdoor/i-fgmSbxn

 

I think you can make this work and not look like the fashion challenged part of the family.

 

You should be thankful that she chose white, which will be a neutral palette to display your gorgeous fashion style!

 

;)

Sorry, but I hate those photos! So matchy--blech. I think photos should look coordinated but natural. Everyone in the same color is distracting to me.

[Excelsior! Academy]

I don't know.  I'd probably roll with it.  It sounds like your opportunity to speak up has past.  If nothing else, just wear white shirts, but skip the polos.

[Mandylubug]

I'd roll with it. In five years any photo you take now will look outdated but you'll still enjoy having it. I'd just state ahead of time that you won't be purchasing extras and since you don't have polos, I'd just wear whatever white shirts your family has.

 

It isn't worth creating family drama over, imo.

[LucyStoner]

I dunno.  White polos scream "event staff" or "school kids" to me.  I have never, in my memory, worn a polo shirt so I understand your reluctance.  I think that it was presumptuous of her to decree this and that for an expensive picture, people need to wear something that makes them look and feel nice.  I wouldn't fight over it, but I would just pick something for your family which works, is somewhat similar to white polos and will be wearable again.  

 

 

[kitten18]

I would put my family in another color. I would maybe do khaki shirts (everyone is wearing jeans?).

[Catwoman]

My feeling is that if you believe your SIL has good intentions and is trying to do something special and nice, be appreciative that she organized it and invited your family to be a part of it... and suck it up and wear the polo shirts.

 

OTOH, if you think she's just a control freak, anal retentive PITA who is trying to micro-manage yet another in a series of family projects or events, politely bow out of the whole thing.

[KungFuPanda]

Why not white polos for her family and white oxfords for yours? Then, maybe you all can agree on an accent color (red or pale blue?) for small things like scarves, earrings, ties, etc. you might feel better in a white button-down with a pretty silk scarf around your neck.

 

I wouldn't ask about the shirts personally. I'd just show up in the button downs :-)

[LibraryLover]

I think those photos are fine. Does Grandma really care?  She just wants the photo. Once Granny is gone, your SIL can have the mantle photo. I would not want to create a family rift over this. Photographers will try to get flattering poses. Heavier people in the back behind folks sitting or whatnot. Child on lap etc

 

People in white:

 

http://wall.alphacoders.com/big.php?i=347622

 

 

;)

[Just Kate]

I think those photos are fine. Does Grandma really care? She just wants the photo. Once Granny is gone, your SIL can have the mantle photo. I would want to create a family rift over this. Photographers will try to get flattering poses. Heavier people in the back behind folks sitting or whatnot. Child on lap etc

 

People in white:

 

http://wall.alphacoders.com/big.php?i=347622

 

 

;)

Love the photo in the link. That's exactly what my family looks like!!! ;)

[fairfarmhand]

Sorry, but I hate those photos! So matchy--blech. I think photos should look coordinated but natural. Everyone in the same color is distracting to me.

 

yeah..they are dull. But not everyone is in a polo. Would be much better with some color or interesting accessories.

 

For some real fun, Kate, you and your family could show up in matching skull and crossbones t shirts.

 

[Joanne]

Kat

The product is just picture. Just.a.picture.

 

It's the relations and love and care and history that make the reason for the gift.

 

You handled it poorly at the start, boundary wise. Don't let continued fal out consume one more moment of your serenity and peace.

 

Try to step back, get some perspective and just enjoy.

[Eagle]

What about inviting her family to your photo session the next week? No uniforms required.

 

Otherwise, at this stage I would go with her colour scheme but wouldn't worry about the shirts being polos. I wouldn't make a big thing out of it. Family is more important than a picture. She appears to have good intentions.

[Just Kate]

Kat

The product is just picture. Just.a.picture.

 

It's the relations and love and care and history that make the reason for the gift.

 

You handled it poorly at the start, boundary wise. Don't let continued fal out consume one more moment of your serenity and peace.

 

Try to step back, get some perspective and just enjoy.

I agree. I handled it horribly. Now SIL won't rerun my calls. I called and apologized. Hopefully we can work it out.

[LibraryLover]

Love the photo in the link. That's exactly what my family looks like!!! ;)

 

Same here.  ;)

[DarlaS]

I'm just am amateur photographer, but I hate shooting white. I can get a correct exposure, but it is much more difficult than necessary.

 

If you look at the second of the two pics posted above (shot by a pro!) you'll see why. It reflects sunlight something awful and makes your subjects look like someone is shining a floodlight in their face.

 

The first one looks good. It also looks like the photographer shot it on a very overcast day (lucky timing!).

[tex-mex]

I won't cancel. I think these are really my options:

 

1. All of us wear white polo shirts - Hate this and I don't think dh will even consider it.

2. Buy white polo shirts for the kids and have the big, gift photo be of kids only.

3. Buy white shirts (not polo) for my family.

 

Hopefully I can get SIL to go along with #2 or #3.

 

Option #3 would be my choice.

 

Truthfully, this is a photo that years from now will be treasured.  Not a good idea to start WWIII over it.  Find a white shirt that is flattering and get'er done.  Be the better person.

[Seasider]

I would not give in to wearing white polos. I wouldn't do it either. I do not wear polo shirts,ever, in any color. They just don't look good on me..........You have given a very reasonable compromise.

Go with option 3 and be done with it.

[Just Kate]

Well, my brother called me and they decided to cancel. I'm disappointed, as the photo was a great idea. I'm a little miffed because I called SIL today and left two voicemails apologizing and saying that if we could talk that I'm sure we could work something out. Also I looked back at my texts to her and they were all polite. I really don't want this to be a big thing, but I also wanted to have some say so in what we wore in the picture. My brother said no hard feelings, so I'm going to just move on. I hate conflict though and I kind of wish I'd never said anything.

[Catwoman]

Oh well. At least you got it resolved.

[tex-mex]

Well, my brother called me and they decided to cancel. I'm disappointed, as the photo was a great idea. I'm a little miffed because I called SIL today and left two voicemails apologizing and saying that if we could talk that I'm sure we could work something out. Also I looked back at my texts to her and they were all polite. I really don't want this to be a big thing, but I also wanted to have some say so in what we wore in the picture. My brother said no hard feelings, so I'm going to just move on. I hate conflict though and I kind of wish I'd never said anything.

 

I'm sorry to hear that.  :grouphug:  Try to let this be water under the bridge.  And down the road perhaps there will be a chance no bridges were burned over this situation with you and SIL.

[Seasider]

Game over. Now enjoy planning for your own nuclear family pics. My guess is that (without even organizing it with your sil), your folks will end up with a nice framed 8x10 of each family.

[DarlaS]

Well, my brother called me and they decided to cancel. I'm disappointed, as the photo was a great idea. I'm a little miffed because I called SIL today and left two voicemails apologizing and saying that if we could talk that I'm sure we could work something out. Also I looked back at my texts to her and they were all polite. I really don't want this to be a big thing, but I also wanted to have some say so in what we wore in the picture. My brother said no hard feelings, so I'm going to just move on. I hate conflict though and I kind of wish I'd never said anything.

Maybe your family was not the only one who did not want her to dictate the whole thing and not give them any input. I would not feel bad. If all your texts were polite, it's unlikely she cancelled just because of you.

[kiwik]

Too late but I would have gone with the kids wearing polo shirts and the adults wearing something adult. No one in my house has jeans though anyway.

[Laurie4b]

I don't think the two families together is a good idea at this point. You sound flustered/irritated; I'll bet she's irritated, too.  I would call again, not leave a VM and just say there were too many moving parts (ie ds's swim meet, etc.) and you got flustered trying to make it work and you think at this point it's better to do two separate photos as a gift.

 

 Maybe you could choose the same frame complementary frames. To get a group of 3, you could do bro's family, your family, and one of you and bro together.

 

 

[Lisbeth]

In the future I would go with separate photos of the separate families as gifts.  Even if you can agree on outfit choices, you will then have to comprise which photo is the big, main present.  With kids, some will have a weird expression in one, another kid will be looking weird in another.  It's just the nature of the beast.  Then you and your SIL would have to compromise over that.  I did one mutual family sitting with my icky SIL and it was just - no.  Never again.  For a formal portrait I want our family accurately reflected in taste and style. 

And...my style would not be matchy-matchy WHITE.  Just me!

[Soror]

FWIW, I would never wear a polo style shirt & neither would my husband. S

 

 

White polo shirts?  :scared:

 

 

A whole group in white polos??? Shudder.

 

 

I do not wear polo shirts,ever, in any color.

 

 

I don't wear polo shirts ever, either.

 

 

I would not wear polos. I would not condemn my family to an unflattering photo over Granny's mantle for years to come.

 

 

II have never, in my memory, worn a polo shirt so I understand your reluctance.

My people :) I thought perhaps I was just picky :) I HATE polo shirts w/ a deep fiery passion, I find them ugly and unflattering. And white to top it off eeek! I don't do button ups either, although I could maybe find a compromise on this one if I could pick the color. Women in mens shirts is just not my thing.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I'm just am amateur photographer, but I hate shooting white. I can get a correct exposure, but it is much more difficult than necessary.

 

If you look at the second of the two pics posted above (shot by a pro!) you'll see why. It reflects sunlight something awful and makes your subjects look like someone is shining a floodlight in their face.

 

The first one looks good. It also looks like the photographer shot it on a very overcast day (lucky timing!).

That second one looks off, like it was taken with either a pop-up flash or too much off-camera flash.

 

I'm an amateur too, and I'm on a large message board with a lot of pro photogs. People complain all the time about families that show up in all white. I was kind of surprised to hear the photog suggested it in this case.

 

Sorry it didn't work out OP.

[Belacqua]

Maybe your family was not the only one who did not want her to dictate the whole thing and not give them any input. I would not feel bad. If all your texts were polite, it's unlikely she cancelled just because of you.

 

I agree. Maybe she just got tired of the whole thing and you can all try again another time.

 

And I do feel your pain regarding the clothing. My (non-icky but fashion-challenged) SIL also dictated the khakis + pastel polos uniform for a family photo she organized. I didn't much care, as I'm horrifically unphotogenic and would resemble a corpse in pretty much anything I wore for a picture. But when our FIL opened the photo as a gift, he studied it for a moment and asked, "Why do you all look like members of some third-rate cult?"

[FriedClams]

First, rescheduling a photographer in October for anything done for Christmas is WAY too late. If you have a date and you can make it - go. Otherwise it's unrealistic to expect a photographer to have anything by Christmas (when I was working as a photog I didn't take clients after 15 oct).

 

I would find something you like on Pinterest ( there are thousands of pallets, clothing recs, etc.) and email her a link: worst case polls, best case she changes her idea.

 

As a photog i would recommend not going too trendy or the white (I reay prefer creams, jewels, earth tones in fall).

 

HTH!

[Guest]

Well, I had a response, but I just read that it's a moot point. Hope you are able to work things through with your SIL.

[PeacefulChaos]

I would just be glad that nothing blew up over this.  :D 

For real, though.  I've tried 2x (once every 5 years lol) to do big family portraits with all of our extended family (BILs & families) and both times, yeah, we've gotten it done, and both times it was part of (though not necessarily the whole cause) a huge rift in the family that lasted for awhile.  Our last picture was in 2011 and we still don't talk to some of the people. 

Supposedly that's my fault - I'm too bossy or something like that.  I argued against white shirts and blue jeans for a photo - I believe my exact words were that I thought it would be hideous.  :lol:  I'm a little on the dramatic side.  I will say I always was the one to try to put stuff together, try to get different prices and look at different possible photographers - all things that I *thought* would be helpful.  In the end, I guess I was perceived as being condescending and a control freak.  Which may be true - but I was going to get it done right!  :D  Overall, we tried to do the whole thing over fb messages, and it turned into a free for all.  Well, between a couple of us.  The rest were relatively neutral about it. 

The first time wasn't as bad.  There was a lot of other stuff going on.  It was in 2006 and I did go for the everyone in collared shirts and khakis or jeans idea - looking back, I probably wouldn't do that again.  They looked nice, but my main goal on that was just trying to make sure that the one family didn't try too hard to make their daughter look totally fancy and dressed up while the rest of us (and all of our boys - their girl was the only girl at that point) were more casual.  There were some rifts then, too, but they didn't last as long.  I still have no idea if or when we'll ever talk to these members of the family again - we actually ended up taking the photo in 2011 without them after all the hoopla.  I'm not sad or sorry about it.

So just be glad that didn't happen.  :D  I love love love getting pictures taken, so just have fun planning for your own family photos!!

[Just Kate]

Thanks everyone. My current problem is that SIL is still not speaking to me. This makes me so sad as I never dreamed that this would turn into something so big. I'm trying to figure out what to do. We live in the same town and she is hosting our extended family Thanksgiving this year. I hate conflict. :(

[J-rap]

I haven't read all the responses, but I think in order to keep the peace, I'd just let it go.  In the end, your parents probably don't care at all what you're wearing, they just want to see your darling faces!  :)  Maybe you could return the shirts after photo day.  Maybe your husband can get a looser-fitting style so it looks nicer.  Maybe you can bring accessories like sweaters, scarves, or whatever to add a little brightness and originality. 

[Orthodox6]

Sounds as if you were not told the facts of why the photo shoot was cancelled.  If your brother is not expressing concern, take him at face value.  You and your s-i-l apparently do not have a close friendship to begin with, so this is should not change things in that arena.

 

Having said that, I'll add that I'm sorry what could have been a fun, joint present to the parents is not working out for you all. 

 

[to the group]:  Why all the hostility toward polo shirts?  It is a basic shirt type, as are button-downs.  Scarcely a big deal.  Nor do I understand the claim that polos are "dated."  My understanding of "dated" would be if the girls and women had to turn up wearing leg-o-mutton sleeves, and the menfolk in overpowering side-whiskers!

 

The drawback I perceive in a sea of matching polo shirts is that I would notice the photograph and wonder what summer camp the people were attending.  In addition, white is a poor choice for a large group of people because the eye is drawn to the expanse of white, rather than to the faces (which faces are the point of the photograph).

[marbel]

Thanks everyone. My current problem is that SIL is still not speaking to me. This makes me so sad as I never dreamed that this would turn into something so big. I'm trying to figure out what to do. We live in the same town and she is hosting our extended family Thanksgiving this year. I hate conflict. :(

 

I was going to suggest inviting her out for lunch/coffee/glass of wine to apologize in person, clear the air and ask to start over with her, but if she's not even speaking to you that's seems unlikely.  Could you talk it over with your brother and get him to help you resolve the conflict?   I know you said she and you are not close, but if you and he are, maybe he could help?  

 

Could you send her a letter?  I don't know, it seems like sometimes a real letter has impact that email doesn't.  Certainly better than text or facebook messages.   You can put more of your heart into it, maybe.

[mytwomonkeys]

 

 

 

 

NM :)

[mytwomonkeys]

I agree. I handled it horribly. Now SIL won't rerun my calls. I called and apologized. Hopefully we can work it out.

 

i'm missing something? what did you do that was so horrible? i reread the thread quickly, but i didn't see where you were at fault??

[PeacefulChaos]

Honestly, I wouldn't try to do anything at this point.  Let it blow over.  I think it's more likely that everything will settle down (assuming SIL even cares about you not wanting to do polos - she may have cancelled for a completely unrelated reason) if you just let it be than if you keep trying to hash it out with her, or even keep trying to contact her to talk about it or let her know what your reasons were, whatev.

I would just drop it and move on.  No big deal.

[Just Kate]

i'm missing something? what did you do that was so horrible? i reread the thread quickly, but i didn't see where you were at fault??

SIL told me a few weeks ago (via text) that we would be wearing white shirts. At the time, I didn't comment because I had already told her that dh may be out of town working and ds may have a swim meet. After we talked two days ago and she told me white polos, I texted her later and asked if we could do other clothes. I also offered to do white polos for the kids only and have just a grand kid pic. That's where it spiraled out of control.

[Shellydon]

Honestly, if I were your SIL, I would be super ticked off at you.  First, you say you aren't coming.  She sets up everything for her family has all the plans in place and clothing ordered.  Shortly before the shoot you announce you are coming, so she she fills you in on the details. You then make a stink over the clothing that has been picked out for weeks.   You need to decide if the gift receivers, your parents, really care about whether or not you are wearing a white polo shirt and whether or not causing a major family rift over a *shirt* is worth it.

[mytwomonkeys]

 

 

Honestly, if I were your SIL, I would be super ticked off at you.  First, you say you aren't coming.  She sets up everything for her family has all the plans in place and clothing ordered.  Shortly before the shoot you announce you are coming, so she she fills you in on the details. You then make a stink over the clothing that has been picked out for weeks.   You need to decide if the gift receivers, your parents, really care about whether or not you are wearing a white polo shirt and whether or not causing a major family rift over a *shirt* is worth it.

 

 

hmm. i didn't get that at all. i simply read that the OP said her son may have a sporting event scheduled & she wasn't sure if her husband would be recovered. it seemed like it was left up in the air. last week she was with her SIL and confirmed that they could participate.  at that time is when the wardrobe became more specific (from jeans & white to a white polo).  so it has only been a few days that the wardrobe has been discussed.  anyway, i didn't interpret it as something her SIL had a right to be really upset about. :confused1:

 

[brehon]

Honestly, if I were your SIL, I would be super ticked off at you.  First, you say you aren't coming.  She sets up everything for her family has all the plans in place and clothing ordered.  Shortly before the shoot you announce you are coming, so she she fills you in on the details. You then make a stink over the clothing that has been picked out for weeks.   You need to decide if the gift receivers, your parents, really care about whether or not you are wearing a white polo shirt and whether or not causing a major family rift over a *shirt* is worth it.

 

Eh, the only thing I *might* be mildly irked at is the timing.  HOWEVER, SIL should have paid attention when OP said that (a) she was literally on her way to the hospital with her dh and (b ) the timing of the shoot was iffy because of dh's and ds's schedules.  SIL bears a substantial portion of the "blame" for how things have turned out.  And I put "blame" in quotes because I think this whole situation is due to poor communication on everyone's part. 

 

Adding a family into a portrait isn't that big of a deal for a professional photog. And I don't think adults should choose color palettes for other adults - it should be a mutual conversation.  So, in this case, when OP found out her family could participate, the conversation should have gone something like this:

 

OP:  Hey, SIL!  Dh's and ds' schedule conflicts have resolved themselves and we can still make the family portrait, if you still want us.  Otherwise, I set up a shoot for my family for the next week, so we're good either way. 

 

SIL:  Wonderful!  Look, I've decided that my fam will be in jeans and white polos.  Is this good for y'all?

 

OP:  Weeeelllll, dh and I really don't think we look good in white polos.  How about X or Y or even Z?

 

SIL:  Oh, Ok.  Hmmm...

 

And compromise begins.

 

OP, you have nothing to apologize for.  Things didn't work out and you don't really even know why.  Don't assume and don't borrow trouble where none may be. 

[Orthodox6]

Honestly, if I were your SIL, I would be super ticked off at you.  First, you say you aren't coming.  She sets up everything for her family has all the plans in place and clothing ordered.  Shortly before the shoot you announce you are coming, so she she fills you in on the details. You then make a stink over the clothing that has been picked out for weeks.   You need to decide if the gift receivers, your parents, really care about whether or not you are wearing a white polo shirt and whether or not causing a major family rift over a *shirt* is worth it.

 

Yet another perspective. . .  The s-i-l "set up everything . . . has all the plans in place and clothing ordered. . ."

 

At no point does it appear that the s-i-l asked OP whether the plan appealed to her and to OPs family.  S-i-l chose the date without obtaining a choice of dates and asking OP whether any of them would be convenient.  S-i-l assumed that OP would be willing to pay her half of an expensive photographer.  S-i-l dictated the specific clothing to be worn.  (This last sounds like the typical tyrannical bride-to-be.) 

 

No, I don't see OP as the villain of the play.

[Scarlett]

You have nothing to apologize for. Your SIL wanted to dictate the terms of a gift for YOUR parents. That isn't how adults operate.

 

I would let it blow over. Sometimes the less said the better especially when you have done nothing wrong.