What do you do when someone close to you is adulterous

[Ginevra]

...and their marriage is definitively ending over it? Divorce papers are filed, a new relationship has been formed. What is your behavior obligation towards the cheater, who was your friend, your brother, your ____________? Tell him he's an asshat and then eventually send Christmas cards to his new "family?" Tell him he's an asshat and never get over what he did to his family? What about other people within your circle? Is this an off-limits topic or do you tell others you're disgusted with the cheater? 

 

Unfortunate new territory I have to wade through.  :confused1:

[Catwoman]

What is your relationship to the person that was cheated on?

[Guest]

What is your relationship to the person that was cheated on?

Good friend. Someone I like very much. 

 

The cheater is my blood relative.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Dh's adopted sister cheated (emotionally) on BIL for their entire marriage and ended up leaving BIL a few years ago. Dh cut off contact with her because she lied to our faces about why they were separating and she treated BIL really horribly, and we like BIL. She also doesn't think she did anything wrong about anything and won't take responsibility for her actions. Oh, and she stood in front of our church and God and promised to raise our kids to serve Him if something happened to us, but it turns out church "really isn't [her] thing" and she didn't believe after all. So for us, it was more than just the adultery. Dh's family still talk with her and don't mention what she did. She moved away to live with her bio mom (she moved in with Dh's family when she was 16) so we haven't had to see her or talk with her.

[Catwoman]

Good friend. Someone I like very much.

 

The cheater is my blood relative.

Rats. That's what I was afraid of.

 

I was hoping you would be dealing with one or the other in the future, not both.

 

Personally, I would be civil with the cheater and remain friends with the "cheatee." I wouldn't broach the subject with the cheater at all -- and all things considered, it's highly doubtful that he would ever want to bring it up with you, either, because there's no way he would come out of the conversation looking like anything but a world class weasel. I would try to avoid the topic with other family members, as well.

 

I think the best thing to do is to try to stay out of it altogether.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

You move on and get over it. 

[goldberry]

I had a very close friend who went through a bad period of life where she was engaging in all kinds of behavior that I considered wrong and hurtful.  During that time, I distanced myself from her. Later, she calmed herself down and started living a responsible life.  We resumed our friendship.  HOWEVER, people that she hurt during that time were not close friends of mine, mostly I didn't know them well at all.  That would have added a whole other level to things. I think in that case, before resuming a friendship with her, I would have needed some kind of explanation and contrition for her behavior.  If that were present, I would be able to forgive and move on.

[Annie G]

I think it depends on your relationship with the cheater. About 7 years ago my brother was caught cheating with 2 women and his marriage crumbled. During that time he asked me for advice navigating the custody battle he was going through. When he decided to walk away from his son instead of share him, I realized I had reached my limit and told him he was a jerk for having two affairs and for walking away from his son.   He became VERY angry, my parents were hurt that I had told him how I felt, and my sisters continued to just keep quiet about the whole thing. 

 

However, as the years passed, I felt so good about being honest with him. My sister still struggles with her relationship with him because she never told him how she felt and he assumed she supported him. My parents never told him how much his actions hurt them- his affairs, leaving his son, fighting with me.   My folks told me they wished they had told him how they felt - but that never happened. Their relationship is strained- they're fine for visits but there's no closeness.  Brother dear is cordial to me when we're at family events but there's no closeness....but there are no fights, arguments, etc.   My relationship with him is as good as my sister's is with him. Which is poor, but cordial. 

 

He eventually married one of the women he was having an affair with and after a year started seeing his son and now shares custody.  

 

If all of this was with just a friend- I wouldn't have been as bold. I probably would have just limited contact until eventually the friendship evaporated. But family is different- and I don't regret my actions at all.   

[unsinkable]

Geez, how many threads/questions/situations on the board get dismissed with a reply of "Move on. Get over it."

 

I'm sorry, Quill. It is such a touchy situation. I'd try your best to keep close to the cheatee.

[Little Nyssa]

I would treat it differently depending on whether the person feels sorry about it.  I have a relative who cheated, but after a long time of suffering in a very bad situation (spouse had mental illness, untreatable by the meds available at that time, and was not the same person he had married-- there's a lot worse but you get the idea), and said person felt terrible about it, and although there was a divorce, and a second marriage ensued, said person made sure the former spouse was financially and medically taken care of, for life.  In that case after a period of shock and horror, all the family chose  to  relate to the person in a friendly and supportive way again.  Who knows how any of us would have reacted in the same situation he was in?  Would we have done any better? Second spouse always was second fiddle for us, though.

That would be a lot different if it was a person who was just looking for greener pastures and being selfish and now refuses to admit he did something wrong.  I would want to keep that person at a distance for a while.

[Little Nyssa]

Just wanted to add to my above post-- the suffering the person went through in their marriage was a secret to many people.  There may be people who think he was just being a jerk.  So I think we don't always know what goes on in a marriage from the outside, and who was or wasn't at fault in a divorce or cheating.

[Guest]

 

That would be a lot different if it was a person who was just looking for greener pastures and being selfish and now refuses to admit he did something wrong.  I would want to keep that person at a distance for a while.

 

Unless he soon tells me otherwise, this is unfortunately what it appears. This is part of my distress on top of the bare facts. I thought he was of much greater character than he now appears to be. As my friend so eloquently stated, "He has his own special brand of selfishness." 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Geez, how many threads/questions/situations on the board get dismissed with a reply of "Move on. Get over it."

 

I'm sorry, Quill. It is such a touchy situation. I'd try your best to keep close to the cheatee.

 

 

 

There are a lot of threads that could be. Including some of my own.

 

When it isn't your marraige, you just let it go.  Really, there isn't any other option. Sure you can pick a side, but rarely is anything black and white. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  Cheating may not be acceptable to your moral code, but usually it isn't totally random and out of the blue either.

 

So yeah, you move on and get over it.

[Guest]

Just wanted to add to my above post-- the suffering the person went through in their marriage was a secret to many people.  There may be people who think he was just being a jerk.  So I think we don't always know what goes on in a marriage from the outside, and who was or wasn't at fault in a divorce or cheating.

 

No, we certainly don't. I do know what *she* says he said, though. Unless she's plain lying, which I doubt, as she has no motive to do so. She did not want him to leave. She is still offering him forgiveness, despite being served with papers. 

[Robin M]

Tell him he's an asshat. Maybe you'll forgive him eventually.  We have an issue where my brother fell in love with another married woman, moved her into his house with his wife's permission. After sil got over being hurt, they became a cozy little threesome. Then they told us the news in an email letter and expected us all to accept this woman into our family with open arms and no questions.   Yes, we told him he's an asshat and because of his attitude, it basically killed the relationship with my folks and me and my siblings. The whole thing destroyed my belief in my brother.   It's been a year and we are still waiting for the other shoe to drop and SIL to hand him his hat.  

 

There's not a whole lot you can do, except follow your instincts, your faith and whether you want to have a relationship with this person.

[Guest]

There are a lot of threads that could be. Including some of my own.

 

When it isn't your marraige, you just let it go.  Really, there isn't any other option. Sure you can pick a side, but rarely is anything black and white. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  Cheating may not be acceptable to your moral code, but usually it isn't totally random and out of the blue either.

 

So yeah, you move on and get over it.

 

I don't think it is so simple, though.  Read Annie G's post. This is pretty much the precise possibilities I see. Be frank in my disapprobation, which won't be a fun day. Say/do nothing, let it sit under the carpet where everything else that's ever happened in my extended family hangs out, and just resent him foreverandever for what he did. I already have a couple of similar "secrets" from my sibs and I know how it lasts. 

[8circles]

There are a lot of threads that could be. Including some of my own.

 

When it isn't your marraige, you just let it go.  Really, there isn't any other option. Sure you can pick a side, but rarely is anything black and white. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  Cheating may not be acceptable to your moral code, but usually it isn't totally random and out of the blue either.

 

So yeah, you move on and get over it.

 

I agree.  I'll also say that I think that in a lot of cases (I really can't say many or most as I really don't know - only from my own experience which isn't that much) someone who cheats & is really selfish, it doesn't just come out in cheating but it many areas of life.  If the cheater is generally a jerk then don't associate with them.  If cheater is not generally a jerk then maybe you don't know the whole story.  If the opportunity presents itself, feel free to tell the cheater your opinion, just like with anything else.  Be supportive of whichever side you feel you should, or both, or neither.  But ultimately, you just have to move on.  This isn't your rodeo. 

[Farrar]

There are a lot of threads that could be. Including some of my own.

 

When it isn't your marraige, you just let it go.  Really, there isn't any other option. Sure you can pick a side, but rarely is anything black and white. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  Cheating may not be acceptable to your moral code, but usually it isn't totally random and out of the blue either.

 

So yeah, you move on and get over it.

 

Agreed.  I think you have to process it too, so I get threads like this.  Occasionally there are extenuating circumstances.  But usually you just have to move on, let it go, not be hurt, and try to achieve a normalcy with your relatives and friends.

[Catwoman]

Unless he soon tells me otherwise, this is unfortunately what it appears. This is part of my distress on top of the bare facts. I thought he was of much greater character than he now appears to be. As my friend so eloquently stated, "He has his own special brand of selfishness."

 

Sorry you feel like you're stuck in the middle of this, Quill. :grouphug:

 

My biggest reason for suggesting that you try to stay out of all this is that it's not your marriage and you will never know exactly what transpired between that couple. Also, now that you mentioned that she still wants him back, I would advise you to remain particularly neutral, because if they end up getting back together, you really don't want to have made negative comments about either party, because all of a sudden, you'll be the one who is viewed as the bad guy.

[Robin M]

No, we certainly don't. I do know what *she* says he said, though. Unless she's plain lying, which I doubt, as she has no motive to do so. She did not want him to leave. She is still offering him forgiveness, despite being served with papers. 

 

How long were they married?  That may have something to do with it.  She doesn't want to lose him and hopes he'll get over it, so wants to be there when he gets it out of his system.  Me,  I couldn't do that.  In the case of my SIL, they've been married 20 years and she didn't want to lose my brother so accepted the situation. 

[Word Nerd]

I'm sorry. I know a family dealing with this, and it's painful to watch even as a non-family member. They try to get along with the cheating former spouse of their family member for the sake of the four kids, who now live with the mother and her new love. It isn't easy and is awkward at best, especially since the "new love" was a friend of the family.

[NicAnn]

I believe in telling people how you feel. Especially when it comes to things that collide with your morals or lifestyle. I'm not referring to strangers on the street of course, but people you know well or ones that will continually come into your life.

 

Sorry for your situation. I hope it works out for all involved.

[Robin M]

I don't think it is so simple, though.  Read Annie G's post. This is pretty much the precise possibilities I see. Be frank in my disapprobation, which won't be a fun day. Say/do nothing, let it sit under the carpet where everything else that's ever happened in my extended family hangs out, and just resent him foreverandever for what he did. I already have a couple of similar "secrets" from my sibs and I know how it lasts. 

 

I would be frank.  His cheating shows a lack of respect for not only his wife, but his family. Cheating  involves issuing of lying and covering up. If he could cheat on his wife, deceive her, who else is he deceiving - his business associates, friends, family?  The issue of cheating calls up all kinds of issues with trust.  

 

Write him a letter telling him exactly how you feel and what you can and cannot accept.  Yes, you may always love him, but can't accept his actions, so can't support him until he goes back to wife.  Or if  should he get married to the new gal, decide if in your heart, you can accept them or not. 

[gardenmom5]

I have a family member who was "the other".  held them at arm's length and never fully trusted or respected again.  still loved them, but knew there were limits.   there was no divorce, or second family (there was a death threat and lots of harassment). 

 

I agree it is tremendous disrespect for other people.  those in these relationships are incredibly naïve when they claim "it's only about them."  no. it isn't.

[Catwoman]

I know it's hard not to tell the Guilty Party exactly what you think of him, and that you want to support and commiserate with your friend, Quill, but if there is even the teeny-tiniest chance that they will get back together, everything you say may come back to bite you. Your family member will be angry because you sided against him, and your friend will be angry because you said mean things about her once-again precious husband.

 

Be very careful.

[PeacefulChaos]

Well... ultimately it depends on how you feel about it.  

Like, are you totally pissed off at him for it?  Then I guess you can tell him he's stupid, depending on your relationship with him.  If it's family he'll get over it if you say that, usually.  

I've had a couple of instances in my life where that happened, however they weren't people I was SUPER close to, just relatively so.  I wasn't mad, I would have been like, 'oh, ok' either way.  I was a little disappointed to learn about it with one.  So... Idk... it just depends.  

I've never had the sort of feelings about it that you have.  

Sorry.  :grouphug:

[Guest]

I know it's hard not to tell the Guilty Party exactly what you think of him, and that you want to support and commiserate with your friend, Quill, but if there is even the teeny-tiniest chance that they will get back together, everything you say may come back to bite you. Your family member will be angry because you sided against him, and your friend will be angry because you said mean things about her once-again precious husband.

 

Be very careful.

 

Yeah, I get this. I find this a difficult spot to be in.  My mother is planning to visit cheater once she is well from her cancer treatment. I am nauseated knowing that she has no clue what's going on.  I think cheater will tell my mom about the divorce pending before she buys plane tickets, but I highly doubt he will tell the reason; he might not even say he is the impetus. 

 

And I don't want him to think it's okay with me that he's doing this. I stood for them at their wedding.  

[Guest]

 

Like, are you totally pissed off at him for it? 

 

Yes, totally. I am disgusted with him. I thought he was a much finer man.

[Mrs Mungo]

If my blood relative was the cheater, then I'd try to maintain a relationship and move past it. Any other relationship, I would probably let go.

[dbmamaz]

I just have sympathy.  

 

someone in dh's family cheated on her husband of many years.  they worked through it, but the next year, when both kids were 18, he came home from a business trip to find a note on his pillow that she had left him for another lover.  She asked the kids after the fact if they wanted to move in w her and her bf or stay with their dad.  

 

dh's family was really close to him, he is a great guy.  it was very awkward and everyone was very mad at her and wanted to offer him support.  I think most of the family is talking to her again, finally, 2 years out.  But its not easy.

[texasmama]

Express your feelings/thoughts and then let it go and have a relationship with your relative  - and with the soon to be ex-spouse as you wish.  Expressing ongoing anger at the behavior of others serves no purpose.  If the relative is a toxic person to you, then deal with that as you would regardless of the person's behavior towards others.  If this is a relationship you value with your relative and want to keep, endeavor to forgive and move forward after you have expressed yourself.  Distance yourself as needed, always remembering that there is more to other people's situations than those on the outside can ever know.

 

[2squared]

We "love the sinner, hate the sin."  My dad just married for the 5th time.  He cheated on 3 or 4 of his wives.  Our family has pulled away a little just b/c it's difficult to deal with so many people in and out of our kids' lives, but we really focus on loving him and hating his sin.  None of us is perfect; we all sin.  Until I am perfect, I am going to give grace.

 

[TracyP]

So when I was 16, my dad admitted to an affair (one of many), served my mom with divorce papers and new (you can call me mom kids, blech!) woman moved in weeks later. He never understood why this didn't go over well. He was in LOOOVE. We should all be happy for him. Double blech!

 

I don't know your family dynamics, but here goes.

 

You can tell him whatever you want, but it won't change anything. You can't take back those words. Many years later, I am glad I didn't tell my dad what a !@#$^ he was. I still feel it, but the whole thing almost completely destroyed our relationship as it was. On some level he *knew* how I (and others) felt; saying the words would have just made deeper wounds.

 

You will probably find two types of people. One, the type who blows off the whole thing or makes some lame justification for what he did. Nod and smile. Walk away. My grandparents still live under some delusion about what happened. It drives me crazy, but I have to let it go. I know they sleep better at night thinking their son could do no wrong. Type two is those who think he is just as big an asshat as you do. Vent away. You will all feel better. It will become obvious who is who. IME, this is not an off limits topic. Quite the opposite. It will be all people can talk about for awhile.

 

Go ahead and maintain your friendship with the spouse. This is one place where said family member has no say in what you do. If he will be so petty as to let that bother him, boo to him. It sounds like you are close, and she will be in need of friendship.

[mommymilkies]

It depends on the circumstances. For example, everyone makes mistakes and has lapses in judgement. If I loved them (and it wasn't my dh-that's different), I'd thank my lucky stars I wasn't on the receiving end and go on loving them after I told them they were stupid for how they acted. However...if it was particularly horrid circumstances, I would consider cutting them off entirely.

[Parrothead]

Tell him you love him, but he is being an asshat. Let him know once he gets his head screwed back on straight you will listen to his side. If that never happens you have to decide if you can find the grace to forgive any perceived slight to you and continue the relationship or move on.

 

Good luck whatever you decide. It has to be tough. Especially if you are friends with her also.

[NorthwestMom]

I am going through this with a close friend right now. I plan to talk privately with her and tell her how much I love her, but her actions are destroying her husband, her kids, and her future. I am not going to pretend like I'm not judging it. I am. Affairs are selfish and built on deceiving those who trust you the most. Her emotional affair is going to ruin the lives of her kids if she doesn't get some perspective quickly. I don't think I'd be a good friend if I didn't kindly share my concern that she is a suicide bomber in her own life.

[Heather in Neverland]

In my family, blood comes first. My brother would know I don't approve of what he did but in the end, my loyalties lie with him. 

[Joanne]

I'd be cordial. Distant but cordial.

 

 

 

So when I was 16, my dad admitted to an affair (one of many), served my mom with divorce papers and new (you can call me mom kids, blech!) woman moved in weeks later. He never understood why this didn't go over well. He was in LOOOVE. We should all be happy for him. Double blech!

 

{hugs}

 

 

 

Be prepared that this affair my build momentum like an addiction. It is very common for the new couple to rewrite history and to forge a new narrative in which they are the bomb in terms of family unity, parenting, soul mates destined to be bigger, better, and more powerful than the original unit.

[Mom in High Heels]

If my blood relative was the cheater, then I'd try to maintain a relationship and move past it. Any other relationship, I would probably let go.

 

This.  It's not your marriage, and not your business.  Maintain your relationships with both parties, but stay out of it.  Whether you're hurt or angry or whatever isn't relevant to their marriage.  You can be unhappy and angry of course, but this situation doesn't really involve you.  It may be your family, but the marriage is theirs.

[LMD]

In our case, it was about more than the cheating.  We all moved on from the first round of cheating because cheater was contrite and spouse was trying to work it out.  Spouse was in a very vulnerable position compared to cheater - which cheater used to full advantage.  Cheatee ended up on our couch because they were abused (physically), have no family in the country, no money (cheater controlled it all), no friends, kicked out of the house... you get the idea.  We were pulled into it, because we were charitable to cheatee - who, upon request of the cheater, we had welcomed into our family with open arms, my daughter had been their flower girl...

 

Within a week of the divorce, cheater brought new partner to a family event.  Within a month, a pregnancy was announced.  We were all supposed to just ignore what had happened (cheatee still trying to get on their feet) and celebrate.  :angry:

 

 

We do not have a relationship with cheater any longer, we only just started being cordial with other members of the family who acted ridiculously over the situation (lying in court, involving my children etc).

[TeenagerMom]

I literally went through this exact same thing.  It was my brother & sister in law.  I love them both.  My immediate family is my entire world.  My SIL is my BFF.  I cried for both of them.  I listened to both of them.  DB and I did have a bit of a rough patch. I did tell him I thought he was an idiot, but that it was his life and I would support him because I loved him.  SIL & I are still BFF and stronger than ever.  They are even friends now after almost 2 1/2 years to the point that she even came on our family reunion vacation and is invited to the next in 2 years.  Was it hard to be "in the middle"?  Definitely.  Don't bad mouth either of them.  Don't divulge what either of them says to the other.  Just be there and give grace as a PP suggested.  In the long run, it will make you a better person.  My DB is NOT a bad person.  He's a wonderful brother, a wonderful father and was once a wonderful husband and still IS a wonderful person who would give someone the shirt off his back if they needed it.  Everyone is a sinner saved by Grace.  No one sin is worse than another.

[Little Nyssa]

Sorry you have to deal with this, Quill.

[Melissa in Australia]

I just said to my DH the other day ( over my brother who is acting once again as a jerk) that the problem with relatives is they will keep popping up in your life for years to come. if they weren't a relative you could just avoid them forever.

[MedicMom]

Honestly I don't see why it is anyone's business. But then, it sometimes seems that everyone I know has had an affair at some point, and I don't want to be dragged into the drama. It isn't anyone else's business what I do and I try to extend others the same courtesy.

[Cinder]

:grouphug:   Honestly, I don't know how I'd react. Sorry you're in such a terrible situation.

 

 

[Scarlett]

I know it's hard not to tell the Guilty Party exactly what you think of him, and that you want to support and commiserate with your friend, Quill, but if there is even the teeny-tiniest chance that they will get back together, everything you say may come back to bite you. Your family member will be angry because you sided against him, and your friend will be angry because you said mean things about her once-again precious husband.

 

Be very careful.

She doesn't have to be mean to speak up and tell him he is doing something very wrong.

[Scarlett]

I literally went through this exact same thing. It was my brother & sister in law. I love them both. My immediate family is my entire world. My SIL is my BFF. I cried for both of them. I listened to both of them. DB and I did have a bit of a rough patch. I did tell him I thought he was an idiot, but that it was his life and I would support him because I loved him. SIL & I are still BFF and stronger than ever. They are even friends now after almost 2 1/2 years to the point that she even came on our family reunion vacation and is invited to the next in 2 years. Was it hard to be "in the middle"? Definitely. Don't bad mouth either of them. Don't divulge what either of them says to the other. Just be there and give grace as a PP suggested. In the long run, it will make you a better person. My DB is NOT a bad person. He's a wonderful brother, a wonderful father and was once a wonderful husband and still IS a wonderful person who would give someone the shirt off his back if they needed it. Everyone is a sinner saved by Grace. No one sin is worse than another.

I can agree with all of this except where you told him you would support him. Not sure what that means, but I would not support my brother committing adultery and destroying a family.

[Scarlett]

Yeah, I get this. I find this a difficult spot to be in. My mother is planning to visit cheater once she is well from her cancer treatment. I am nauseated knowing that she has no clue what's going on. I think cheater will tell my mom about the divorce pending before she buys plane tickets, but I highly doubt he will tell the reason; he might not even say he is the impetus.

 

And I don't want him to think it's okay with me that he's doing this. I stood for them at their wedding.

I don't understand the secret mentality.

 

If I were in your situation I would tell my mom he was having an affair and he had filed for divorce. If more people would stand up and denounce affairs maybe fewer cheaters would keep at it.

[Murphy101]

I can tell you that anyone related to me, blood or friend, knows I have very strong opinions about adultery and they would either be smart enough to shut up or expect to be told they were donkey rears.

 

Which does not necessarily mean I take sides.

 

You can love someone and encourage them to work through big problems without BS them or beating about the bush.

[BlsdMama]

I think it depends on your relationship with the cheater. About 7 years ago my brother was caught cheating with 2 women and his marriage crumbled. During that time he asked me for advice navigating the custody battle he was going through. When he decided to walk away from his son instead of share him, I realized I had reached my limit and told him he was a jerk for having two affairs and for walking away from his son.   He became VERY angry, my parents were hurt that I had told him how I felt, and my sisters continued to just keep quiet about the whole thing. 

 

However, as the years passed, I felt so good about being honest with him. My sister still struggles with her relationship with him because she never told him how she felt and he assumed she supported him. My parents never told him how much his actions hurt them- his affairs, leaving his son, fighting with me.   My folks told me they wished they had told him how they felt - but that never happened. Their relationship is strained- they're fine for visits but there's no closeness.  Brother dear is cordial to me when we're at family events but there's no closeness....but there are no fights, arguments, etc.   My relationship with him is as good as my sister's is with him. Which is poor, but cordial. 

 

He eventually married one of the women he was having an affair with and after a year started seeing his son and now shares custody.  

 

If all of this was with just a friend- I wouldn't have been as bold. I probably would have just limited contact until eventually the friendship evaporated. But family is different- and I don't regret my actions at all.   

 

And I think for our own health and well-being why do we pretend things?!  What he did was wrong.  It was vile and wrong.  He broke covenant, destroyed his marriage, betrayed his wife and his children.  Why do we pretend it is anything but wrong?  And in my world the new relationship continues to be adultery, even if they end up getting married.

 

Why do we play along?

 

I would tell the cheat-ee that I am so sorry she was betrayed and that I hope she can heal from it.  I would tell the cheater that unless he feels like being repentant, civility is about all I could manage.  Someone ought to help him if he asks why.........