RSVP Anger

[goldberry]

When people who should know better fail to RSVP, do you feel the urge to send out a really nasty email with quotes about manners from respected sources?

 

Do you then stop yourself because if you did that then no one would come to the event you are planning for your daughter and she would be devastated?

 

Do you then send out sicky-sweet reminder emails instead, to hopefully persuade them to respond?

 

Then go to another anonymous place such as this to rant where it does absolutely no good whatsoever?

 

*sigh*  Oh well, I do feel a little bit better... But I'm NEVER doing this again...

[StephanieZ]

I think the sweet reminder emails are likely best.

 

It'd probably be most effective to send INDIVIDUAL emails, using the person's name, and including a sentence or two of chit chat. Calling or voicemail might be more effective.

 

"Dear Bob,

 

I know e-mail is so fickle and easy to get crossed or lost messages, and I was afraid that I missed your RSVP email! I hope you are coming, and I need to get a head count by tomorrow! Ack!! Can you and Bitsy make it? Please let me know ASAP!

 

XOXO,

Me"

 

Realistically, if you really want a head count, these days I think you have to personally follow up until you catch the bastards at home and force a reply out of them. 

 

((hugs))

[JessReplanted]

I had a birthday party for my girls recently and had to deal with this issue. We sent out invitations in the mail which asked for an RSVP.

I included both my phone # and email address. I still had to contact the majority of the people individually to find out if they would attend. :sad:

 

It's irritating, but I agree that a nice, happy email is the way to go.

[Seasider]

This is the stage at which I start dialing the phone. Waiting for replies is a time waster, if my invite requested an RSVP then a polite call should be neither rude nor surprising. Fwiw, I surely don't mean a chastising call, just a "hey, I'm making final arrangements for the event and need to get a firm head count.

[Belacqua]

And even if you do catch the person, you're as likely as not to get a response of, "Maybe."

 

Oh, that's helpful. 

[freeindeed]

It is frustrating. I recently hosted a party. I invited 30 ladies. Seven did RSVP, but the rest-nothing. Very irritating!

[school17777]

I would count a no response or a maybe (without an understandable explanation) as a no.

[gardenmom5]

My most recent experience the hostess didn't bother to check her e-mail (she specifically asked for rsvp by email) and I had the mother of the guest of honor freaking out I hadn't responded and wanting to know if I was coming or not.  yes dear I did - a week ago.

[joannqn]

I've prepared only for those that sent their RSVP, expressed surprise when someone extra showed up, and apologized for not having party favors for her kids.  I intentionally made sure I only had exactly enough because I was irritated by the people who didn't bother to RSVP, but I had enough people who did that I could still do the party. 

[Harriet Vane]

I find that people are terrible about RSVPs. I just plan to call two days before the event and sweetly ask for head-count purposes. I can make it through a pretty big list in a short amount of time, so while I hate that it is necessary, it doesn't take long.

[zoobie]

I've prepared only for those that sent their RSVP, expressed surprise when someone extra showed up, and apologized for not having party favors for her kids. I intentionally made sure I only had exactly enough because I was irritated by the people who didn't bother to RSVP, but I had enough people who did that I could still do the party.

I've been tempted to do that, but then I feel sorry for the kiddos. A couple of my kids' friends are sweet as can be but have clueless parents. It's not their fault they're being raised by wolves. ;)

[Miss Peregrine]

We had 12 responses for  my sister's baby shower and 40 people showed up. My mom made sure everyone knew that she was only expecting 12 people with a loud announcement.

[Dahliarw]

I put an RSVP by date on my invitations. Usually I get a bunch of responses on that day. Sometimes having a deadline works - and it's better than hearing the day before the party.

[bettyandbob]

This is the stage at which I start dialing the phone. Waiting for replies is a time waster, if my invite requested an RSVP then a polite call should be neither rude nor surprising. Fwiw, I surely don't mean a chastising call, just a "hey, I'm making final arrangements for the event and need to get a firm head count.

This is what I do. I make calls the day after the RSVP deadline.

[Laurie4b]

I don't think a changing culture re: RSVPs is something to waste moral outrage on. The culture has changed and people's calendars are crammed full beyond what anyone could have imagined when I was growing up. People's inboxes are crammed full. An email invite especially may have gotten lost in the fray, or because people are used to responding quickly to email if they need to check something, they can forget to come back to it. That's why the e-vite type companies send reminder emails. Very pleasant, no to-do over it. It is the new etiquette. Cultural expectations have changed. There are new standards emerging. I go with the flow and personally contact people when I need to know.

[KrissiK]

I'd just call or e- mail and say, "hey, the party's Wed. And I need to get a firm count. Is Susie going to be able to make it." And completely ignore the lack of manners. Any sort of sarcasm, chastisement, etc. will be completely lost on people who don't bother to RSVP anyway. And then come to an anonymous forum and vent away.

[poppy]

We had 12 responses for  my sister's baby shower and 40 people showed up. My mom made sure everyone knew that she was only expecting 12 people with a loud announcement.

A host pointing out her guests' etiquette failure is, in itself, a major faux pas. That's crazy rude.

[rieshy]

My 14yo dd was just RSVPing to a party so I told her about this thread.  She said that if it is such a problem then maybe the invitation should be worded, "RSVP or bring a paper plate and your own food."

[songsparrow]

I understand your frustration!  And I've been on both sides of the issue, and embarrassed too many times - I've been the person who forgot to RSVP, the person who missed the invitation (it was mixed in with other mail or in my email spam folder), the person who had someone RSVP to me verbally and then I forgot and assumed she wasn't coming and so didn't have a goody bag for her child, the person who was hurt that a good friend didn't RSVP only to learn that the emails were going to her spam folder and she was so sad she missed the party, etc.

 

What I do now is I typically use punchbowl.com and I send the invitation with only about a week until the requested RSVP date, rather than the 2-3 weeks I used to give.  Generally if a deadline is set far out, people will tend to forget about it.  If they need more time, they can always contact me and let me know why they're a "maybe."  It also gives me plenty of time to follow up.  Then when the RSVP date has passed, I let Punchbowl send a general reminder to everyone who has not yet replied.  If a few more days pass without reply, I'll send a personal reminder to anyone who hasn't replied.  If I still don't get a reply, I'll phone.  One of the great things about Punchbowl is that it lets you see whether someone has viewed the invitation; if they haven't looked at it, I'll assume it was lost in their inbox or went to their spam folder, and I'll contact them by email / text / Facebook message / phone call (depending on the person and how best to reach them).  

 

Nonetheless, I have still had families who completely ignored my repeated requests for an RSVP.  They will be much less likely to be invited to future events, especially when a firm head count is critical.  But I try to give the benefit of the doubt - some people just really hate to say "no" to an invitation, even if they know they can't make it, so they just put it out of their minds instead.

 

I tend to go through all of this because I know that my child really hopes their child can come, despite my frustrations with the parents' failure to RSVP.  And I've mitigated my frustration by just assuming that I'll need to do all of this and preparing for it - that way I can be pleasantly surprised when people RSVP promptly, rather than irritated when they do not.

 

I've also gotten much better about RSVP-ing myself; now, pretty much as soon as I get the invitation I check my calendar and confirm with my child that she wants to attend, then RSVP.

[texasmama]

Dislike hosting things because of this very thing.  People don't RSVP like they used to.

 

When this happens, I send an email, text or FB message out to tell folks I am "getting a final count" for food, etc. and ask if they will be able to come.  This works pretty well, though I still have people not responding.  It does send the message that I sent an invitation and they didn't respond.

[goldberry]

  But I try to give the benefit of the doubt - some people just really hate to say "no" to an invitation, even if they know they can't make it, so they just put it out of their minds instead.

 

I tend to go through all of this because I know that my child really hopes their child can come, despite my frustrations with the parents' failure to RSVP.  And I've mitigated my frustration by just assuming that I'll need to do all of this and preparing for it - that way I can be pleasantly surprised when people RSVP promptly, rather than irritated when they do not.

 

 

 

 

I can see how people would do that, not wanting to say no.

 

The annoying part is that I talked to a group of these people last Thursday in person, making sure "oh did you receive our invitation"  and "I'm just trying to get a head count now".  All of them "Oh, of course, I'll check tonight and we'll let you know!" 

 

NONE of those people then responded.

 

I can't count all the non-responses as no's, because in our group it would be like the baby shower where 40 showed up.  Often I just plan for whoever.  We usually do potluck kind of things, etc.  But this time I had some nicer things planned that COST MONEY for heaven's sakes, with catered food, and there is a big difference between 30 and 50 in those cases.

 

*sigh*  And Laurie, yes, I know this is becoming the new norm, but I won't accept it as ok. It's not ok just because it's the norm.  It's still really rude and inconsiderate.  I will though, add it to my planning in the future.  Or in the future, just never plan anything nicer that needs a headcount.

 

Thanks, folks!

[poppy]

I do "regrets only" instead of RSVP. Requires no response from most guests, and less work for me in terms of keeping track. Like most hosts I'd rather be overprepared than underprepared anyway.

[QuirkyKapers]

My 14yo dd was just RSVPing to a party so I told her about this thread.  She said that if it is such a problem then maybe the invitation should be worded, "RSVP or bring a paper plate and your own food."

:lol:  :lol:

 

I stopped sending out paper invitiations and use evite.  I have had very good success with people responding to it.  It is nice because you can have it set up to to send out the invitiation several times.  Poppy, I like the regrets only version. 

[goldberry]

I do "regrets only" instead of RSVP. Requires no response from most guests, and less work for me in terms of keeping track. Like most hosts I'd rather be overprepared than underprepared anyway.

 

 

Maybe that is more likely to get a response, since the guest would think, "If I don't respond they will think I am coming".

[Tammyla]

It just stinks when you're trying to plan an event.

 

I think (agree) a nice e-mail or call is fine. 

 

Recently, I did have someone call about not receiving our RSVP. It had a respond by Monday and the flake called us the Friday before.  It made me feel a bit huffy to have her call before the card was due :leaving: .  That said, I do like a respond by xyz, and I actually do mail them yes or no.

[rjand6more]

:lol:  :lol:

 

I stopped sending out paper invitiations and use evite.  I have had very good success with people responding to it.  It is nice because you can have it set up to to send out the invitiation several times.  Poppy, I like the regrets only version. 

Yes.  I have had a much better response with evite!  It auto reminds people so I don't feel like a nag. 

[itsheresomewhere]

This is why I don't put the location of the party on the invites. They have to call/email to let me know if they are coming. It has worked well for us.

[poppy]

This is why I don't put the location of the party on the invites. They have to call/email to let me know if they are coming. It has worked well for us.

So basically you throw raves, not parties?

[itsheresomewhere]

So basically you throw raves, not parties?

I take it you have never had people just show up to a paid for by a certain amount of guests party.

[poppy]

I take it you have never had people just show up to a paid for by a certain amount of guests party.

Well, it was meant to be a lighthearted reply.

 

But, no, I have never thrown a formal catered party or pay-by-the-guest venue and had uninvited guests show up. But, I imagine that anyone who does that shows up because someone who WAS invited told them about it..... so, how does telling the guests the address when they RSVP help with that problem??

[soufflegirl]

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt that the invite got lost in the mail.  And twice this summer I've had different people inquire why I didn't RSVP for events that they thought they had invited me to, when it turned out my name had been accidentally left off when different drafts of the guest list got combined/addresses added/whatever.

 

If someone was notorious for ignoring RSVPs, or showing up with an additional 8 people, then I'd be annoyed.  Otherwise I don't really mind calling a few people after the RSVP date and finding out what's up.  I don't know what other things people are dealing with in their lives - sometimes life gets a bit overwhelming and people legitimately forget.

[Miss Peregrine]

A host pointing out her guests' etiquette failure is, in itself, a major faux pas. That's crazy rude.

Oh, I totally agree. I wouldn't do it.

[kitten18]

This is why I don't put the location of the party on the invites. They have to call/email to let me know if they are coming. It has worked well for us.

Wow...um...I have never heard of that...wow.

[Mrs Mungo]

So basically you throw raves, not parties?

LOL!!! :D

[Laura Corin]

I've prepared only for those that sent their RSVP, expressed surprise when someone extra showed up, and apologized for not having party favors for her kids.  I intentionally made sure I only had exactly enough because I was irritated by the people who didn't bother to RSVP, but I had enough people who did that I could still do the party. 

I do find it irritating when people don't RSVP, but I wouldn't take it out on the kids.

 

L

[bobbeym]

A friend of ours hosted a bday party for her DD this past weekend. Sometime early last week, she sent a short note to all invitees saying something like "Please let me know know for sure you're coming so I can get enough goodie bags for the kids".  Apparently it worked b/c she had enough goodie bags and no extra kids showed up.

[elfgivas]

hugs momma....

 

pick up the phone.  be charming, and slightly frantic...

 

 

[SKL]

How about including a line on the next invitation:  "No time to RSVP?  No problem.  We'll keep a big pot of chili and plenty of tap water ready for ya.  Might want to bring your own folding chairs though."  Or something like that.  :)

[Anne in CA]

As someone who works in the hospitality industry I am convinced that more and more people are taking the attitude that they will do whatever is the most fun at the time. An RSVP means very little when it is returned. We have conventions and weddings where people who did not RSVP show up because it is now too rainy to go to the beach, so now they will attend this event though they were not planned for. Also, the number of people who just turn up with extensive allergies without calling ahead is enormous. It used to be that if you were allergic to something you let your host know in advance. Now, people just expect that the hotel will drop everything to whip up a gluten free, dairy free, no nut no soy meal. Which we do but we have the most experienced chefs in town. I can't imagine what other establishments do. I personally touch base with my dd's friend's mothers and KNOW which ones will come before making plans of this sort. I am sorry for you today, but I suspect this is the way the future is moving.

[Lisa in SC]

It's equally irritating when people do RSVP with an affirmative, and then don't show up. We had 50 'yes' responses for dd's baby shower. I bought and prepared food accordingly. Only 20 people actually came. It was still a lovely shower, but wow did we have too much food!

[QueenCat]

It's equally irritating when people do RSVP with an affirmative, and then don't show up. We had 50 'yes' responses for dd's baby shower. I bought and prepared food accordingly. Only 20 people actually came. It was still a lovely shower, but wow did we have too much food!

 

Barring a real emergency, that's just rude. I know people who will find something better to do, and then be a "no show".... just rude........ They don't stay friends long with that kind of behavior. Don't say "yes" unless you plan to commit.

[Lisbeth]

A host pointing out her guests' etiquette failure is, in itself, a major faux pas. That's crazy rude.

yep...crazy rude is exactly the right term. Agree!

[Mrs Mungo]

As someone who works in the hospitality industry I am convinced that more and more people are taking the attitude that they will do whatever is the most fun at the time. An RSVP means very little when it is returned. We have conventions and weddings where people who did not RSVP show up because it is now too rainy to go to the beach, so now they will attend this event though they were not planned for.

 

 

I agree that more and more people see things this way. They give a maybe in case they make other plans. I once made plans with a friend for 4th of July because both of our husbands were going to be gone. She called just a couple hours before I was supposed to meet her and said, "oh, I'm going to have to cancel because we were invited to meet up with a group from church." 

 

It's equally irritating when people do RSVP with an affirmative, and then don't show up. We had 50 'yes' responses for dd's baby shower. I bought and prepared food accordingly. Only 20 people actually came. It was still a lovely shower, but wow did we have too much food!

 I agree, this is extremely rude.

[JBJones]

I think the sweet reminder emails are likely best.

 

It'd probably be most effective to send INDIVIDUAL emails, using the person's name, and including a sentence or two of chit chat. Calling or voicemail might be more effective.

 

"Dear Bob,

 

I know e-mail is so fickle and easy to get crossed or lost messages, and I was afraid that I missed your RSVP email! I hope you are coming, and I need to get a head count by tomorrow! Ack!! Can you and Bitsy make it? Please let me know ASAP!

 

XOXO,

Me"

 

Realistically, if you really want a head count, these days I think you have to personally follow up until you catch the bastards at home and force a reply out of them. 

 

((hugs))

Well said.  (Sorry I can't find the right button to underline your LAST LINE.)

 

[goldberry]

I once made plans with a friend for 4th of July because both of our husbands were going to be gone. She called just a couple hours before I was supposed to meet her and said, "oh, I'm going to have to cancel because we were invited to meet up with a group from church." 

 

 

:confused1:That would be the last time I planned anything with that person.  And I would be so disappointed since I rarely plan girls  only activities.

 

  DD had plans to do something special with her little cousin.  At the last minute she was invited to a coveted sleepover.  To her credit, she didn't even ASK if there was any possibility of changing.  She was disappointed....but she knows we just would never do that. 

[Mrs Mungo]

:confused1:That would be the last time I planned anything with that person.  And I would be so disappointed since I rarely plan girls  only activities.

 

  DD had plans to do something special with her little cousin.  At the last minute she was invited to a coveted sleepover.  To her credit, she didn't even ASK if there was any possibility of changing.  She was disappointed....but she knows we just would never do that. 

 

Actually, our kids were friends and we were taking our kids along. The kids were the most disappointed. Plus, we attended the *same church* and me and my kids were not invited on the group thing. I really was surprised because it seemed *SO* incredibly rude to me.

[Laurie4b]

Actually, our kids were friends and we were taking our kids along. The kids were the most disappointed. Plus, we attended the *same church* and me and my kids were not invited on the group thing. I really was surprised because it seemed *SO* incredibly rude to me.

 

That would hit the "incredibly rude" rank with me, too. Wow.

[QuirkyKapers]

Actually, our kids were friends and we were taking our kids along. The kids were the most disappointed. Plus, we attended the *same church* and me and my kids were not invited on the group thing. I really was surprised because it seemed *SO* incredibly rude to me.

Wow!  That is so rude.  So, basically best offer wins? How did you handle it with the person? 

[Mrs Mungo]

Wow!  That is so rude.  So, basically best offer wins? How did you handle it with the person? 

 

When she called to cancel? I just sort of blew it off. What else could I do without being rude in return? 

 

I did not rely on her for plans in the future. 

[tabinfl]

It's equally irritating when people do RSVP with an affirmative, and then don't show up. We had 50 'yes' responses for dd's baby shower. I bought and prepared food accordingly. Only 20 people actually came. It was still a lovely shower, but wow did we have too much food!

This is what stopped the big birthday picnics we had for our kids -- they have a lot of the same friends & birthdays close together (along with my husband's), so for 4 years we went all-out on a big picnic / combined b-day party. One year we even had it catered, and only about half of the people who said they would attend actually showed up (after dropping the 'hint' that we needed RSVPs several days ahead to give the caterer a final count). Some even told me about the other things they decided to do that day... come on, at least pretend you're ill, this is what white lies are for! Last year I went with pizza so we could order based on how many showed up, but I still had a ton of leftover goodie bags thanks to no-shows.

 

This year we didn't even have a party -- we traveled up north to visit family, and the kids decided they wanted to have their birthday party up there. I think I will plan a birthday vacation every year from now on... which makes me sad because we have a great yard & pool for entertaining, but the stress of "How many maybe people will come and do I have enough for them?" & waste due to no-shows makes me crazy.