Multigenerational same-house dwelling?

[I.Dup.]

How do you feel about this? Is this something your family does, or that you will encourage? If so, how?

[Garga]

My dh just murmured the other day, "If we enclosed the back porch, one of our parents would have somewhere to live if they needed it." I kind of felt like that scene in A Christmas Story where the husband wins a major award and goes to put it in the front window. The mother doesn't want to crush his excitement, but she is not going to put up with a glowing fishnet stockinged leg in her front window.

 

I told DH that I'm pretty sure our parents wouldn't want to live with us. I told him this because my mother and his mother have both said that they think adult family members living together is a recipe for disaster. He looked a little bemused by that thought.

 

I think the idea is great in theory, but IRL any of our parents would drive us nuts on a day to day basis unless they had an entirely separate apartment and we didn't see each other more than once a week or so. And I get along with my family-even the in-laws. Just not under the same roof.

[Tess in the Burbs]

We don't do it. We have said we would never with our own family. (my dad smokes, his family we keep our distance, and mom is slowly becoming like my crazy grandma was) However, if we had to we would let mom live with us for a bit. But I truly think if my stepdad dies she's going to go downhill quick and need more care. She acts older than him physically now, so that heartache won't help when it happens.

 

I know a family that does it. Three generations and more. Parents, grandparents, kids and their kids. They added on to make room for everyone. People work when they have jobs and others take care of house/kids/cooking. It's rotated through who all had jobs for this family and it's truly a village effort now to afford housing/cars/food and such. It's neat to see how they have managed.

 

I wish I had family I wanted to spend time like that with. There are some older people in our lives I would gladly take into my home. Just not my own. And honestly, they wouldn't be open to the idea anyway. But I think it's a neat idea and wish I had those kind of people in my life to try it.

[Guest inoubliable]

With my parents/siblings? No. Way.

 

With my kids and their families? Yes. Our kids talk about it, actually. Not in the same big house, though. Our kids (and us, too) have always liked the idea of having a few acres where they can build their own tiny houses on the same property as our house. Sort of a family compound? We'd all get some privacy and everyone would be close enough to help with the property as DH and I aged or childcare if the kids ever have kids.

[Danestress]

I like our situation - four households within a few miles of each other. Mother and MIL live alone, as they both prefer, but I am nearby to help. We have privacy but support for each generation. I like it. I suppose it is the expensive way to go, but each household had a mistress, and in mind, most women want to run their own homes. I can't imagine DIL, MIL, Mom or I happily surrendering her automomy to live in another woman's home, even with a lot of privacy. Nearby is perfect is everyone is healthy and financially able.

[somo_chickenlady]

Our 18 year old nephew lives with us when he isn't away at college. He is a great kid and we get along well with him, though. I wouldn't have a problem living with DH's parents, but I love them. I couldn't handle FIL smoking for very long, though. When we lived in Missouri we stayed with them when we came back to visit and it always went well.

 

My parents and sister?? No way. I would end up in jail for murder. My SIL is a bit too controlling. BIL is awesome, and I don't think I would have a problem with just him...his wife and kids on the other hand?? Nope.

[catz]

Not with either sets of our parents. And my kids might like that idea at 8 and 12 (my daughter's sure she going to buy a house on the same block as ours!), but we're certainly not counting or planning on it for our future either. I'm sure it could work well for some families, but the dynamics would have to be different than ours with our parents for sure.

[Joker]

Dh and I fully expect one or more of our parents to live with us at some point. It's what our families have always done and I'm happy with it. Our dds know they're welcome to stay here as long as they want as well, but they have both said they want to have the whole college experience and to live away at that point. I highly doubt they would come back into the home after being on their own those years.

[UncleEJ]

I have found that living in the same house with my, or my DH's parents, for very long is not a good idea. My mother and my MIL have lived with me and DH on two different occasions each. It wasn't very fun but we survived. Then we moved out of state and lived with my dad for almost 6 months and that was better except for space restrictions. We ended up buying a trailer and putting it on my dads property, about 100 yards away. We also bought the property next to his and plan to build a house there in the future. The "family compound" we have going on is awesome! My dad and his wife and her kids live just a few steps away. We eat a lot of meals together, all pitch in on yard work, can borrow some sugar or whatever, ect. I love it! But having our own houses is key. We still have our own space and privacy when we bug each other.

[I.Dup.]

 

I know a family that does it. Three generations and more. Parents, grandparents, kids and their kids. They added on to make room for everyone. People work when they have jobs and others take care of house/kids/cooking. It's rotated through who all had jobs for this family and it's truly a village effort now to afford housing/cars/food and such. It's neat to see how they have managed.

 

 

I think this sounds lovely.

 

I wonder why it works so well and is so normal in other cultures, but so many people here in America think it would be a disaster?

[Momof3littles]

I don't want to go that route, but I accept it may be part of the future. I think with the way the economy is going and has gone, with the erosion of the middle class, health care and long term care costs what they are, college prices rising, etc. we're going to see a whole lot more multigenerational dwelling going on.

 

Our *ideal* would be a small farmhouse with a detached cottage or carriage house for parents or ILs to use.

[Danestress]

It can actually be very difficult in other countries too. When I lived in Japan, a lot of tv soap opera plot lines seemed to be about those difficulties. If you read memoirs you will see that.

 

But it probably is easier in a country where everyone agrees to the rules. In a culture where MIL has authority over DIL, the younger woman may find if difficult but at least she knows the status of her situation going in. She expects to defer to her MIL. In America, there may be more power struggles.

[Incognito]

There are a surprising number of people who do multi-generational households in our area. I'm sure it doesn't work well for some, but for many it seems great. I scoffed at the idea when DH and I married, but now that I've seen it in action for years around us I'm more open to the idea. There are many houses in our area that are recent builds that are designed for this - two houses, connected but separate, and add-on dwellings. Man, it sounds like I live in commune land... :)

 

ETA: The people I know with my general cultural background in our area who do this do not pool finances. They are more like a family housing association, from what I understand.

[Garga]

Why do we think it would be a disaster in America? Because it is a disaster in America. I think you have to be raised in a culture where you don't learn as much individualism as in America. I know in China that everyone knows that the oldest female rules the house. The younger females obey whatever the matriarch demands. But they are all raised to accept that kind of ruling mother figure.

 

We don't have clear lines of authority like that here, so there is often tension as people try to figure out who gets to decorate the new entertainment center and who gets to choose where the cups will go in the cupboard and who picks what they watch on tv and who gets to correct the children, and on and on and on. It gets to be too much and people long for their own home where they can just do what they want without running it past everyone else.

 

I think you either have a clear leader (like the Chinese eldest woman) or you live separately.

[Lovin Learnin]

I just looked into this for my mom. We were on vacation and discovered mixed generation homes, which is basically a small apartment (bedroom or two, living room, kitchen, bath, laundry area) tacked onto the main home. Two years ago we never would have considered this but my mom needs the help and wants the companionship. I see so many benefits to us all with this type of arrangement. I'm not sure how to do this though, since we don't have a builder in our area who specializes in these types of homes and our current home has too many stairs. I definitely see us moving in this direction though.

[Lisa in SC]

We are living it. Dh's dad has lived with us for several years. In some ways, it's good. Dh's siblings, who live from 5 minutes to 1 hour away from his previous home, weren't helping or checking on him at all, and dh worried quite a bit. So, we made the decision to move him over 600 miles to our home. The kids see gpa every day, and are learning compassion and tons of WWII information from a European perspective, which is very good for them.

 

In other ways, it's difficult. Fil is very set in his ways, and thinks his every expectation should be met. This is a challenge at times, because it's just not realistic, so we work on it. He traveled during the years his own children were growing up, so had no idea what life is like with 4 children plus their friends around all the time.

 

We'll be adding a new generation in August, as our oldest dd is expecting. I guess we're gluttons for punishment, because her close friend and the friend's baby are now living with us for the next few months. It is just something we do, I guess. It's not easy, and it's down right frustrating at times, but it's part of who we are. I will say, multigenerational living is not for the faint of heart! ;)

[trinchick]

We do it, and it works but it isn't perfect. My mom lives with us. In no particular order here are some thoughts on the positives and negatives of our situation. Many of these comments are specific to our personalities/situation, so not sure how helpful they will be to others.

 

What works:

 

Separate space - We have a large house (3800 SF) that was purchased specifically for intergenerational living. There are two living rooms on either end of the house, so we each have privacy. Our kids' toys aren't strewn all over Mom's living space making her crazy. Mom isn't rolling her eyes whenever DH turns on Star Wars for the umpteenth time. There are also two master suites. Mom's bedroom is on the 2nd floor with en suite bathroom. Our bedroom/bathroom is on the third floor. We share a kitchen, and that works out fine.

 

Division of Labor - I'm really lucky in that I work outside the home. Mom starts dinner every night which is a huge help for me and allows me to enjoy more time with the kids each night. Mom also minds DD after school in the afternoons - a cost savings, convenience, and load off my mind. She also minded DS when he was an infant, but had to stop when she became ill and he got to be too much for her.

 

Intergenerational Time - I love that DD and DS are so close to my mother. They all really adore each other, and it is really sweet.

 

Frank Understanding of Money Issues - We sold our previous separate homes and purchased our current home together in DH's and my name with the understanding that this is my inheritance. DH and I pay for all of the bills associated with the house; she is welcome to purchase things as she wishes (e.g., she recently replaced the fridge because she wanted in-the-door ice and water) but she isn't asked to contribute otherwise.

 

What Doesn't Work

 

Personal Space - I am never, ever alone in the house. My mom is retired and an introvert. She doesn't belong to any clubs or get out much besides when I take her someplace. Very occasionally she'll go out with her sisters, but this is rare. Mostly, I am OK with this, but sometimes I just yearn for a quiet hour in the house or the ability to clean my kitchen without my mother suggesting I go about it some other way.

 

DH/Mom Interaction - DH is awesome to put up with this situation. He really is. My mother isn't the easiest person in the world to live with. She is very opinionated and often critical. He doesn't rise to the bait, even though I can tell he is often irritated.

 

My/DH Relationship - I love my mom (despite all of the grousing above). I actively seek out her company and opinions. I think if she weren't so easily accessible (again, ALWAYS here), I would transfer some of my need for adult companionship to my husband which would be better for our relationship.

[musicianmom]

My mom lives with us. It works because we get along. She doesn't like living alone, I have a house that's too big, and it just made financial sense.

[Lolly]

We lived with fil for the 5 years before his death. It was okay. We had a few blow ups (mine). They were always over fil trying to discipline the kids to his ideas of what they should be. I did not agree with his ideas. We moved into his home because it was plenty large for all 7 of us. I think things would have been better if he had moved in with us instead (other than being way cramped!) or if we had just purchased a totally different home. Now that it is all over, we realize that some of our difficulties could have come from the fact that he had a brain tumor in an area that caused personality changes. The longer we lived with him, the worse things got. That was possibly due to tumor growth. The first year was not so bad. Honeymoon phase? Would I do it again? I'm not so sure I would.

[applethyme]

We don't have any of the parents live with us but when dh and I bought our house we took into consideration that at some point in the future we have probably have parents live with us. We made sure the layout is such that we could make a parent apartment if needed by just making some simple changes.

[FaithManor]

We could manage my folks or Mark's mom if we needed too. However, they are fiercely independent and wouldn't put up with it. They'd go to a nursing home of their own choosing before they would "burden" their kids and that's NOT an idea we've painted for them. It comes from the fact that on both sides, each mom there took care of an aging relative well past being reasonable to keep that person out of a nursing facility and ruined their health, ruined it badly. So, now they look at what they did to themselves taking care of grandma when what grandma needed was a STAFF in order to take care of her, and they extrapolate that to, "As soon as I can't live alone, I am automatically a horrible burden that will ruin my kids lives, so I'd rather die than go live with them." Thankfully, MIL lives only six miles away now so it would be fairly easy to let her live in her home and coordinate help. My parents are two blocks away.

 

That said, if my mother's health totally tanks while I'm still homeschooling the boys, she would probably have to go to assisted living because I can't do what I'm doing for the boys now and be a full time nurse for her. However, I don't see that happening so WHEW!

 

But, if it was an economy situation - the necessity of relatives living together in order to make ends meet - then, yep, we could handle it. That's because neither my parents or his mom are difficult people. They are truly great people, great grandparents, easy going, contributing, loving members of the family. Yeah, we might miss some privacy, but to keep everyone fed, clothed, and warm, the privacy can be sacrificed.

 

It is one reason we bought this 4000 sq. ft., 113 year old church and renovated it. We have five bedrooms and will eventually have 2.5 baths. There is a 625 sq.ft. family room and a 625. sq ft. living room with a hobby room in the balcony. We'd manage to find a place to go talk and snuggle for a while even if we had to say, "The rest of you go to the family room, we are busy at the moment." We could take people in. Additionally, my parents have five acres, so we could all work together to produce a lot of food.

 

My dad, all he needs is a greenhouse. He loves all things related to gardening and will putter happily to the end of his days if he has tomato plants and what not to fuss over. We are helping him build a small one. Once he retires, he'll just need a bed and bathroom and for all he cares it could be a pop-up camper or even a tent - ever the mountain man! :D If my mom has a sewing machine and fabric, she'll be a happy clam.

 

But, other extended family is a different story. So long as my kids wanted to be hard working, contributing members of the family community, then they, their spouses, and my grandchildren would be welcome and we'd find a way to make it work if it were truly necessary. My brother and wife - they'd be homeless. Sorry, but his wife is a very unstable narcicissist who lives to create misery for others. They live one block from us and we have very, very little to do with them now as it is and the lines that have had to be drawn in the sand in order to keep the sanity is already huge. Under one roof? They would have to live on the street. My sister could come, but she has a favorite aunt and uncle that she would actually go to first because she and aunty are truly best friends and would be great roomates. My eldest nephew and his wife - yes, salt of the earth people. My next two nephews - no way on planet earth? There is substance abuse, intense, deliberate immaturity, etc. We would not be willing to tolerate it and they would expect to be tolerated. My eldest niece - the one who seems to attract sick and twisted men like flies to honey??? No!!! Youngest niece? Possibly. Dh's sibs - he'd wander off into the woods to die alone before he would ever live with his brother or sister again. They are so cruel to him that they'd have no right to ever expect they could come here regardless of what emergency they've experienced.

 

If I had much younger children, my answer might be very, very different. I'm not sure I would allow anyone to live with us full time. I've seen too many grandparents that can't seem to adhere to any kind of decent boundary when there are little ones around and others who simply will not tolerate children being children and want the children to be "seen and not heard".

 

My uncle was raised in a multi-generational household. Both of his very frail grandmothers lived with he and his parents. It was very, very bad for him. They required so much constant care and supervision, that he was raised by basically a volunteer nanny, a neighbor who was a single lady who eventually began coming to the house each day because he was so neglected. His grandmothers lingered for many years and by the time he was a high schooler and they passed, he had no appreciable relationship with these creatures in his house called parents. His dad worked double jobs in order to pay to keep the grandmothers at home, his mother cared 24/7 for the grandmothers and the only time he heard from her was when he made a noise and one of the grandmas complained. To this day, my 75 year old uncle is the quietest household creature you will ever meet. He even had to learn the patterns on the old hardwood floors of his house so he could move from one board to the other with causing a creaking sound! Crazy stuff, but the grandmothers were tyrants and the parents put up with it. He ended up deeply attached to the nanny, and a total stranger to his folks. When his parents became unable to live alone, he put them in nursing homes and visited them once per month. When his nanny became to frail to live with him, she went to a gorgeous assisted care facility which he paid for, and he visited her three times per week and still brought her home with the help of a nurse for all of the holidays.

 

Cautionary tale - if you take in your relatives, make sure they don't become the all encompassing focus of your attention.

 

Faith

[TravelingChris]

My house is set up for this- lower level has a bedroom, bathroom area, living room and kitchen with dining area. I do think the previous owners may have had someone living there at one point. But I don't see us doing this. My FIL has always refused to move in with us or even near us. My son lived down there for a bit but moved out soon after he got a job. My next child is engaged and I don't see them moving here at all. My last child has her own bedroom now and has no reason to change. The bedroom downstairs is being turned into my dh's study and guest bedroom. My older dd's room will soon be turned into a craft room. I have my own office already and then we have the two bedrooms.

[pehp]

I would do it in a heartbeat. I have done a modified version with my sister. If my dad, stepmom, in-laws or grandparents needed to be here, I would absolutely do it. (My mom died 12 years ago....otherwise she would be included too!)

[TexasRachel]

We've lived with my parents twice for about 4 months each time. It worked because we only had a little one. My mom lived with us for about 2 months at one point. She's since moved in with us since last summer when my dad died. We're trying to get her out (her house is across the street, but uninhabitable), but it's slow work. My in-laws on the other hand? Never work. I still don't feel comfortable in their house after 16 years of marriage and I doubt I'll ever be completely welcome. And having either/both of them in my house would drive me insane.

[BrookValley.]

We do. We share a house with my mother (same house; she's got the finished basement as an apartment). We share financial responsibilities (utilities, property taxes).

[Lisbeth]

No, no, no. A thousand times, no. Mom and I are both strong, type A personalities. Only one queen per house. ;) My MIL - um, no way. We don't get along, because she has always decided my dh isn't the golden son, and treated them, and their kids, accordingly. Blech. No. I am also an INTJ.

[lavender's green]

My family is 800 miles away and that's how I like them! I miiiiight be able to tolerate the in-laws in an arrangement with separate common areas, such as a duplex or on the other side of the property. They're nice people, but DH and I need our own space and the freedom to school and discipline our children as we see fit. We also really need separate meals most of the time, as they have very different taste and ideas about nutrition.

[magnificent_baby]

I would absolutely consider it. My family is very close, so if a situation presented itself, I would most likely take them in.

[Heather in Neverland]

I would LOVE it if my mom came to live with me! And I would love living with one of my brothers. The other one, not so much.

 

My mom's side of the family owns a huge amount of land in Alabama and it is divided up among all the children (there are 12). My grandparents' house sits on a hill and all my aunts, uncles, and cousins live in houses all around it.

 

I would NOT live with dh's family. Ever.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

We are currently living multigenerationally - me & DH, our children and one grandchild are living together. We have tried for many years to get my mom to move in with us. Our current house is just too small for that many people. We would certainly need to buy a bigger house if my mom does decide to move. We have been keeping that in mind as DH and I are looking at possible properties.

 

The other issue is that my mom is a packrat and I am one step away from being a minimalist; I just can't get rid of books or educational materials.

 

We have thought about moving back out west and moving in with my mom but it would take a backhoe and an act of God to clear the house of knickknacks, Tupperware and whatever is stuffed in boxes.

 

The good thing is that my mom and I get along very well (outside of the clutter issue) and she dotes on DH. I think it would work out quite nicely in the right house.

[Um_2_4]

We may be in the near future (FIL) and most likely will again in the future (grown kids living with us). But this is normal for us. No big thing actually.

MIL lived with us for 3mos when the twins were born and it was nice, help with cooking, I could run out to pick up x at the store without taking all the kids.I miss her. She and DH actually had more tifts than we did. I do acknowledge that she is the older, but she does not interfere between me and the kids. We tried to convince MIL to come now, but she is happy where she is, but I see that she may move in with us once we move back there (in about 5 years).

[Renthead Mommy]

When I see it on The Waltons I think it looks wonderful and love the idea.

 

However I am not a Walton, so it will never, ever happen with my non-Walton relatives!

 

If it ever got to a point my mom's husband needed a place to live, I'd be fine with that, he could move in. If my mom needed a place to live, I'd get a job to help pay for where ever she needed to live!

[Juniper]

I plan on my mother coming to live with me when she needs it. She has asked not to be put in a nursing home if at all possible and I will do my level best to grant that request. Dh's parents I am not as sure on. Thankfully, he has a lot of siblings to help share the load.

[I.Dup.]

What about along the lines of raising your children toward this lifestyle?

[Um_2_4]

I was just coming back to answer, because I realized that I did not answer HOW?

We have a plan in the works to buy land and build a building of flats for us, DC and even some of DHs bros/sis. Flats are what is lived in where we will be. DC will not move out till they marry, this is normal and expected for us. There is not another alternative barring a major catastrophe. If they wish to continue living with us after marriage that would also be fine. Especially if we end up renting out the extra flats for DC till they are older. They may appreciate the income from them as newlyweds.

It is expected that any future DILs or SILs would be respectful of myself and DH as the head of household. All contribute to daily costs, grocery etc. But DH and I would pay for the house(taxes, utilites, since we would most likely own them all outright). But if we couldn't , DC would support us, just as we support DH's parents financially right now.

I think this is just normal for us, so I'm not sure how you would encourage it other than modeling it??

[Halftime Hope]

We have a branch of our extended family that is trying it. It doesn't work because the grown up children resent handing their paychecks over to nonretirement age parents, who then spend it on nonessentials while neglecting the childrens' needs and wants. And really, as an employed college graduate of 25, do you want your mommy ok'ing every cent you spend? Or not giving you enough to purchase reliable transportation..while they're out partying on the money you brought home -- I don't mean a beer at the pub, I mean cruise ship or better vacations, meanwhile you're left with not enough to take your girl to the movies etc etc?

 

Why do they hand over their paychecks? That's not right unless the market value of what they get is larger than thier paycheck by a decent margin. They should negotiate the rent, utilities, and food arrangements, then whatever is left over they manage, save, and spend on their own.

 

I

[BigMamaBird]

We lived with my parents for one year. It was a temporary arrangement and when there would be a rough patch I'd just take a deep breath and remind myself that. I imagine it would be a different story if I knew it was going to be indefinite. We managed to make it through without any damage to our relationship and would do it again if we had to.

 

I completely comfortable with an elderly parent coming to live with us if need be. My Grandma came to die with us when I was a teen, she was with us about 6 months.

[Halftime Hope]

We are currently me & DH, our children and one grandchild are living together. We have tried for many years to get my mom to move in with us. Our house is just too small for that many people. We would certainly need to buy a bigger house if my mom does decide to move. We have been keeping that in mind as DH and I are looking at possible properties.

 

The other issue is that my mom is a packrat and I am one step away from being a minimalist; I just can't get rid of books or educational materials.

 

We have thought about moving back out west and moving in with my mom but it would take a backhoe and an act of God to clear the house of knickknacks, Tupperware and whatever is stuffed in boxes.

 

The good thing is that my mom and I get along very well (outside of the clutter issue) and she dotes on DH. I think it would work out quite nicely in the right house.

 

God and the backhoe are available by the week and by the month. (Ask me how I know.)

[Halftime Hope]

We took care of my FIL for the last four years before he passed. Each family having their own space while under the same roof is essential.

[Danestress]

What about along the lines of raising your children toward this lifestyle?

 

 

Two thoughts:

 

1. Model it - through your own interactions with your and DH's extended families. Model being loving and kind despite family differences and irritations. Be dutiful and dependable for the older people, takes meals to the sick, make room for them in your home, and don't let their annoying traits get under your skin. Be to them the people you hope your children will be to you when you are older, less sharp, more annoying, etc etc.

 

2. Provide financial incentives. Event though your kids may not "need" it, it's nice for them to receive a benefit. You might own a nice large house and be able to offer a kid and his or her spouse a deal - live here, raise your kids, pay no rent but take care of all the costs and upkeep, and when I die, the house is yours. Or you might move in with them but provide a financial benefit.

[KungFuPanda]

My mom has made it work for years. She always has a child, or grandchildren, or an elderly parent living with her. This started AFTER I moved out, so I haven't live it, but DH and I would be FINE if mom lived with us. She's helpful, positive, and easygoing. I would feel compelled to soundproof my maste bedroom, but with teens in the house that seems like a good idea anyway. I don't know why it isn't standard, but I digress.

[gardenmom5]

It *really*, and I * MEAN *really*, depends upon the people invovled. I know people for whom it has worked well. generally, they've all been adults and think of other people rather than themselves. seperate apartments/basements have not always been part of it, but frequently.

 

my experience, . . . . mil lived with us for a year right after 1dd was born. . . . . 'no' is not in this woman's vocabulary and her motto was "it's easier to ask forgiveness (because as christians we're "supposed" to forgive) than permission".

 

no way will she ever be allowed to live in my house again. there is no amount of money I could be paid to house her. (she's still alive. she's 87. her parents lived into their 90's.)

[ZeeMommy]

We have in the past. In-laws had remodeled their house (before dh and I met) from single family into two family house. Husband was living in upstairs house while mil and fil lived downstairs. Fil was not in best of health, and they went to Florida every winter, so having my husband there made a lot of sense. Everyone respected each other's privacy, but if help was needed it was just a set of stairs away. I moved in with dh when we got married. Once we started having children having grandparents close was great, especially since my parents have always lived far away and my grandparents were far away too. Then again, my mil is a wonderful person who I get along with very well, so that made for a good experience. After my fil passed away, she remarried a couple of years later and moved out. We bought the house; I'm keeping the floor plan downstairs, kitchen included, in case one of my parents have to move in with us.

[Incognito]

 

 

How do the taxes work on this?

 

The people I know that are doing it successfully have the home in the senior's name, so that they get a 50% reduction in their property taxes.

 

 

Good question. I don't know how they do it.

[LittleIzumi]

We will be starting in a few weeks! However, we will have the basement to ourselves and it's essentially a seperate home, but with a shared entrance and shared laundry. We did all share the same small home for a month and were fine, amazingly. My parents rock. And are not elderly, so not very applicable to where this thread is going.

[stripe]

We have a branch of our extended family that is trying it. It doesn't work because the grown up children resent handing their paychecks over to nonretirement age parents, who then spend it on nonessentials while neglecting the childrens' needs and wants. And really, as an employed college graduate of 25, do you want your mommy ok'ing every cent you spend?

I don't think this is a must of living together, though. This depends on the people.

 

My in-laws tend to live with their parents/in-laws. There is certainly a more predictable family structure, but also everyone has a more active life, so everything doesn't fall on one person. Additionally, there is a lot more help with young kids. For example, my BIL and his wife live with her father. He picks the kids up and takes them to school. He doesn't "expect" anything at all and is a rather sweet and self-effacing man. He is a widower and hard of hearing, and appreciates feeling loved and well taken care of by having a place to sleep and food to eat. He has zero control over anyone's finances.

 

I used to watch a Japanese soap opera about a domineering MIL always battling her DIL. It was pretty hilarious. Even then, I don't think anyone gave her all the household money to fritter away! ;)

[Impish]

Pass the bleach and ground glass mai tais.

[Jane in NC]

One of my friends who has a house on pilings did this. They installed an elevator and constructed a parental suite--bedroom, small kitchenette, and a bath with a walk in tub. Her parents were with her for several mostly blissful years then passed away. They now have a suite for themselves if one of their kids wants to move in eventually and care for them.

 

My seventy year old buddy, on the other hand, would murder any of her kids who attempted such an arrangement. She is in the process of planning a trip to Fiji with one of her sons. That works--not living under the same roof.

[nd293]

I would really like my Mom to live with us. She lives in a different country from either my sister or I, and it is a high crime country. Figuring out the 'issues' of living together would be better than the worry of living apart. My mother, however, will never agree. She has a very negative opinion of older people living with their children, based on her grandmother living with them when she was young. She says it was terrible for her mother - interestingly, when I discussed this with my aunt, she didn't have such negative memories of her grandmother.

 

Our plan is to mive un a few years into a house which would afford dd the privacy to live with us through the university years and first years of working, so she can start off on a sound financial footing. Ds is 6 years behind her, so he'd get his turn too. I think multigenerational living makes sense, and I talk to the children about that, just as I talk to them about not spending money on big weddings, living within their means, getting a good education, not smoking or any of the other issues we think are important.

 

In the end, I recognize that it will be our attitude that would make or break a multigenerational living arrangement: can we be mature enough to acknowledge our children as adults and support them silently as they repeat many of the same mistakes we made!

[FaithManor]

I would feel compelled to soundproof my maste bedroom, but with teens in the house that seems like a good idea anyway. I don't know why it isn't standard, but I digress.

 

Yes, this!

 

There is a reason we choose double insulation, 1" drywall instead of 1/2" or 3/4", solid oak doors, etc. for our bedroom and built a 5 ft. wide hallway between our bedroom and the one across the way.

 

I don't recommend multi-generational housing WITHOUT privacy issues getting the most supreme priority in the arrangement!

 

Faith