another social falling out for my son. heartbroken

[jeninok]

We originally pulled DS out of school because the teacher was.treating.him unfairly and not following the IEP. He also was having a hard time socially and I suspected it was worse than he was letting on and had moved to full blown bullying.

 

We just moved to a new city and into a neighborhood with more kids. D's had played with two of the boys several times while we were back and forth and all seemed fine. There was lots of laughing and running around the neighborhood and he came back happy the last time he had been with them.

Fast forward two weeks, he hadn't seen them at all until today when the boys walked by our house.

 

He went to meet up with them and they said they couldn't play.

 

Well we could hear them outside in the woods next to our house and so he went to return a lacrosse stick the boy had left at our house. I figured it would help.him save face, let them see he was cool with whatever. They boy absolutely yelled hateful things at him. Told him not to come on his property, that he had new friends and never wanted to see him again.

 

DS dropped the lacrosse stick on the ground, said here's your butterfly net and managed to hold back the tears till they were out of site. I heard the whole exchange and DS wasn't exaggerating.

 

It literally our first weekend actually living here and somehow he has been made a target once again, for honestly no reason.

 

We have met one other family, that home schools, and they have a super nice son. But they live about 25 minutes away. I was so hoping for close kids for him to run with.

 

Honestly I think there was a weird group dynamic and one or more of the kids will get the tables turned on them and want to play. And I also know tweens are pretty cruel a lot of the time.

But it breaks my heart, he's a cool kid, and kind, hilarious, smart. I just don't get it.

 

We are jumping in with both feet to some homeschooling group activities this week, we don't know anybody here so I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone a bit to get out there. But I'm so worried his heart will just be hurt again. :(

[PachiSusan]

This makes me so very sad for your son. I'm sorry.

[mumto2]

:grouphug:

[jeninok]

I seriously thought I was going to throw up when it happened. And I know he is mine so I'm biased, but there was seriously no chance for him to do anything too socially awkward to make this kid not like him.

 

I just don't get it.

I had planned on having the other family we met over this week for a cookout or something, but our entire house is covered in plastic and our belongings are all in the garage while the painters finish and that seems to be taking way longer than anticipated.

Hopefully he has a good time at the park and museum and can be on the road to meeting more nice kids!

 

I'm typing on my phone please excuse my horrible punctuation/editing.

[Parrothead]

This sounds more like that other kid's weirdness, not anything your ds has done. Some kids just can't handle ore than one friend at a time.

[bzymom]

:grouphug: Poor guy. I hope he is able to find a great kid to buddy up with.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Oh that is just awful, I am so sorry.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: I'm sorry, and hoping you two have a good week and he meet some nice kids.

 

 

It's not a social failing of your ds...Some people/kids are just mean because they can be; that's a hard lesson for kids.

[GailV]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry.

 

It sounds really likely that the neighborhood kids have the social problems, not yours.

 

Younger dd's current best friend lives about 25 minutes away. We often meet somewhere in the middle for skating or some other activity, or just to drop off/pick up -- last week we met in a grocery parking lot so Best Friend could hop in our car and go back to our house with us, then her mom picked her up later. We have girls dd's age in the neighborhood, but it just hasn't worked for friendship.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

:grouphug:

 

I understand completely; btdt.

[Ellie]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Dandelion]

I'm sorry. :grouphug: My DS has experienced quite a bit of this, and I know how much it hurts. Kids can be incredibly cruel. It sounds like the problem is with these other kids - not your DS.

 

I hope you'll be able to make some great connections through the homeschool group activities you're checking out this week.

[Kaleidoscope]

I'm sorry tht would be heartbreaking.

[kalanamak]

Yuck. When I was a kid, it was girls who acted like that.

 

Tell your son he won't be 10 forever. Even some of these rotters grow up, and most learn to be politer.

[Researcher]

:grouphug:

[Researcher]

It doesn't sound like anything your DS did. Rather, the other kid was just being mean and maybe can't handle a group dynamic.

[jeninok]

I don't think it is usually anything DS actually does, he somehow just seems to have a giant flashing target for both kids and some adults. It was just extra surprising and hurtful this time since it was so over the top loud and hateful....and unexpected.

[jennynd]

Not your child's issue. Those boys may have family issues that will come to light later, explaining their behavior. Don't even bother with neighborhood friends at this age...they make their friends through shared interests and humor, not through proximity.

 

 

agree with this. My son makes friends through sports. not neighbors.

[jrn]

:grouphug: How hurtful.

[MercyA]

Just :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: . I'm so sorry.

[pdalley]

:grouphug: Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. But the boys see that it's not just them. My friends always dump me too. I quit trying to figure it out a long time ago.

 

I hope your son can make friends at the activities. It doesn't seem fair to have to learn such a harsh lesson about people at such a young age.

[Ewe Mama]

:grouphug: kids can be so cruel. I, too, think it sounds like the other kid's problem and not anything that your ds did. Nice kids usually are targets for bullies these days. :glare:

[catz]

I think it's been important for my kids to reiterate over and over it's not them, it's about the other kid and their lack of social graces. I often ask my kids "I wonder why it's so hard for Suzy to be nice for other kids? I wonder what her house is like? I wonder how other kids treat her?" I find bully kids often have bully parents too, or the parents are actively working on the issues. My 12 year old now doesn't even flinch if someone hassles him. In his head, it's always about them. My 8 year old is still working on this, but she's come a LONG way from her very shy and timid pre 6 year old self.

 

That said, I do work with my kids on social interactions, being inclusive, finding common ground, etc. But in the case of a kid just being plain rude or mean to them, it's definitely about the other kid.

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. We have neighborhood kids issues too. One on one the play is o.k. but in groups, not. Most likely, the boy will be back to play when the other kids aren't available. It goes in cycles here, the kids come around and than they don't. No matter what, I have learned one time a week for an hour is about all that works out. We really worked to make the kids in the neighborhood not the main friends.

[JBJones]

I feel so bad for your son. This is all my DD has ever encountered.....and she has the flashing target going on as well. It just breaks your heart. Good luck to your son.

[PachiSusan]

I feel so bad for your son. This is all my DD has ever encountered.....and she has the flashing target going on as well. It just breaks your heart. Good luck to your son.

 

I hear you. We go to the park and all the little girls are SO mean. SInce she's not in their social group, they're not even willing to play with her. It makes me want to cry with her. (And I have)

[justamouse]

I wish you all lived closer to me. I would have all your kids over and my kids would love it.

 

Please tell him that it's NOT him, it's them. They're sad people on the inside and they're rude.

[justamouse]

I think it's been important for my kids to reiterate over and over it's not them, it's about the other kid and their lack of social graces. I often ask my kids "I wonder why it's so hard for Suzy to be nice for other kids? I wonder what her house is like? I wonder how other kids treat her?" I find bully kids often have bully parents too, or the parents are actively working on the issues. My 12 year old now doesn't even flinch if someone hassles him. In his head, it's always about them. My 8 year old is still working on this, but she's come a LONG way from her very shy and timid pre 6 year old self.

 

That said, I do work with my kids on social interactions, being inclusive, finding common ground, etc. But in the case of a kid just being plain rude or mean to them, it's definitely about the other kid.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[JBJones]

I hear you. We go to the park and all the little girls are SO mean. SInce she's not in their social group, they're not even willing to play with her. It makes me want to cry with her. (And I have)

 

The park is the only place that my DD wants to go to try to encounter some other girls at this point. She now refuses to attend the social activities that were the only organized interaction she had. I'm hoping 2013 will be better. I'm so sorry your DD has had a rough time.

[PachiSusan]

The park is the only place that my DD wants to go to try to encounter some other girls at this point. She now refuses to attend the social activities that were the only organized interaction she had. I'm hoping 2013 will be better. I'm so sorry your DD has had a rough time.

 

Aw, hugs to your daughter as well. M seems to do okay in social situations where she is with a group of her peers...like CCD or church. It's the times when the kids don't know her at all that she seems to get hammered in - mostly because she's too "innocent" and likes to play with My Little Pony still. OOOOO - such a baby!! <eye roll>

[JBJones]

I wish you all lived closer to me. I would have all your kids over and my kids would love it.

 

Please tell him that it's NOT him, it's them. They're sad people on the inside and they're rude.

That sounds very nice. My DD just wants a friend to hang out with, have over to the house. I've told her repeatedly that it isn't her, it is the other kids that have the problem, etc. But after so many years, it doesn't help with the loneliness. I just try to stay positive for my child.....but lately I know I am failing. Sigh.

[mom2scouts]

I really wonder if one of the other kids gave him some trouble because he was playing with the "new kid". The neighborhood pecking order is being threatened. I doubt your son did anything wrong.

[PachiSusan]

That sounds very nice. My DD just wants a friend to hang out with, have over to the house. I've told her repeatedly that it isn't her, it is the other kids that have the problem, etc. But after so many years, it doesn't help with the loneliness. I just try to stay positive for my child.....but lately I know I am failing. Sigh.

 

Oh do I understand!!! M had a very close friend that lived across the street from us and they played all the time. The mom was very craftsy too so she got to make things and play and it was a great time. Then, the dad was transferred to Philadelphia and she lost her friend. We lost our house and are now living with our IL's until my husband can find a job and she has NO friends here. When we go to the park it's all chirping crickets because there are very few home schoolers around here. We are near a retirement community. Poor thing is bored out of her mind and I feel totally responsible. I hope where we end up there will be a great source of kids for her!

[JBJones]

 

Aw, hugs to your daughter as well. M seems to do okay in social situations where she is with a group of her peers...like CCD or church. It's the times when the kids don't know her at all that she seems to get hammered in - mostly because she's too "innocent" and likes to play with My Little Pony still. OOOOO - such a baby!! <eye roll>

My DD has changed so much in the last year. The school of hard knocks hasn't been kind. Your DD is gorgeous! I think it's great she is still innocent. Good luck to you and your DD.

[PachiSusan]

My DD has changed so much in the last year. The school of hard knocks hasn't been kind. Your DD is gorgeous! I think it's great she is still innocent. Good luck to you and your DD.

 

Aw, thanks. It's the Italian blood from her Daddy!!

 

M has changed quite a bit this year too and I know it's because of all the change and the stress. Her happy go lucky nature is pretty transitory lately. Good luck to your DD as well. HUGS

[MooCow]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. We have neighborhood kids issues too. One on one the play is o.k. but in groups, not. Most likely, the boy will be back to play when the other kids aren't available. It goes in cycles here, the kids come around and than they don't. No matter what, I have learned one time a week for an hour is about all that works out. We really worked to make the kids in the neighborhood not the main friends.

 

:iagree:

[JBJones]

 

Oh do I understand!!! M had a very close friend that lived across the street from us and they played all the time. The mom was very craftsy too so she got to make things and play and it was a great time. Then, the dad was transferred to Philadelphia and she lost her friend. We lost our house and are now living with our IL's until my husband can find a job and she has NO friends here. When we go to the park it's all chirping crickets because there are very few home schoolers around here. We are near a retirement community. Poor thing is bored out of her mind and I feel totally responsible. I hope where we end up there will be a great source of kids for her!

Here, where we are, there are extremely low numbers of homeschoolers. The ps kids are MEAN. My DD is very bored as well.

Sorry, OP, didn't mean to hijack your post.

[tex-mex]

Having taught this age level in public school... it is the age, not the OP's child. Children are cruel.

Has the OP considered joining a group like Scouting, 4H, or sports to get to know others and eventually form a friendship with one of the members in the club/group/organization?

[Sahamamama]

 

I hear you. We go to the park and all the little girls are SO mean. SInce she's not in their social group, they're not even willing to play with her. It makes me want to cry with her. (And I have)

 

 

Susan, your daughter is so stinkin' adorable! :) If you didn't live in Nevada (what are you thinking?) and we didn't live in New Jersey (what are we thinking?), we'd get the girls together to hang out. I have three girls -- 6, 6, and almost 8 -- who love to learn and play. Want to come over? Bring your Polly Pockets, dolls, and ponies! :)

 

My girls are not mean. I have seen others be mean to them a time or two. The twins are mostly oblivious and "inoculated," because there are two of them. They don't need a playmate, they already have a playmate. But I've felt a stab in my heart for my oldest at times. She's more comfortable with 9 or 10 year olds than she is with girls her own age, but all groups are based on age, right?

 

Hugs to the OP. I hear you on that pushing past the comfort zone part. My comfort zone is home in my sweats, wearing my husband's wool socks, sipping hot tea, perusing the WTM boards, LOL. I'm not out of it yet. ;)

[PachiSusan]

Having taught this age level in public school... it is the age, not the OP's child. Children are cruel.

Has the OP considered joining a group like Scouting, 4H, or sports to get to know others and eventually form a friendship with one of the members in the club/group/organization?

 

 

I guess my question is this: WHY are they so cruel?? It CAN'T just be wired in them that at this age they annihilate anything that's different than them.

[PachiSusan]

 

Susan, your daughter is so stinkin' adorable! :) If you didn't live in Nevada (what are you thinking?) and we didn't live in New Jersey (what are we thinking?), we'd get the girls together to hang out. I have three girls -- 6, 6, and almost 8 -- who love to learn and play. Want to come over? Bring your Polly Pockets, dolls, and ponies! :)

 

My girls are not mean. I have seen others be mean to them a time or two. The twins are mostly oblivious and "inoculated," because there are two of them. They don't need a playmate, they already have a playmate. But I've felt a stab in my heart for my oldest at times. She's more comfortable with 9 or 10 year olds than she is with girls her own age, but all groups are based on age, right?

 

Hugs to the OP. I hear you on that pushing past the comfort zone part. My comfort zone is home in my sweats, wearing my husband's wool socks, sipping hot tea, perusing the WTM boards, LOL. I'm not out of it yet. ;)

 

 

Aw, thanks!!! I live in Nevada because if we didn't, we'd be living in a van by the river (SNL reference). My IL's are putting us up until we can get my hubby employed. I would SO LOVE for M to have friends just like your daughters. M is an only which makes it so hard sometimes.

[hsmom2011]

n/m

[J-rap]

I'm sorry, it's so, so hard seeing your children being hurt by other children. :( I'd reassure your son over and over again that it's too bad other kids don't know how to behave kindly...that there must be problems or lack of attention or something going on in their homes. Then I'd change the subject and help him find hobbies and other things to do at home with mom or dad, something that makes him feel good and something he is excited about.

 

Early friendships do tend to be based on physical proximity, but around the middle school age children that have spent a lot of time together up to that point often find they don't have too much in common afterall. My kids have made far better friends in activities that involved shared interests and often shared backgrounds.

 

I'd also practice social skills, street smarts, snappy answers, and other confidence-building skills in the safe environment of home, so that his confidence will build and he'll feel more in control of a situation. Even little things like walking with confidence, looking up and forward and not on the ground as you walk, direct eye contact with talking with people, little subtle things that other people unconsciously pick up on and react to. You want to give him every advantage! :)

[Anne in CA]

In my experience this is a character issue. Kids pick on or exclude kids who cannot do it back to them. Your son, being new, could not exclude the mean boys back and so he was a target when they wanted to feel power. If your son has an obviously good character, like mine does, it is easy to be mean to him because kids know he will not do something awful back. The main thing is for your son to feel worthy of friendship so that he does not blow opportunities that come later.

[tex-mex]

 

I guess my question is this: WHY are they so cruel?? It CAN'T just be wired in them that at this age they annihilate anything that's different than them.

Have you ever read the book, The Lord of the Flies?

 

That is a good example of our sinful natures left alone on a deserted island -- young boys and mayhem takes place.

I've seen the same mentality in certain students (not all) in a public school setting. I call it a pack mentality. They would

not behave like this by themselves. But one "leader" can make the pack attack another child. It happens.

 

Many of those kiddos grow up and become ashamed of their behavior once they are adults. But it happens when you lump peers into a group or pack setting. The folly of man.

[PachiSusan]

Have you ever read the book, The Lord of the Flies?

 

That is a good example of our sinful natures left alone on a deserted island -- young boys and mayhem takes place.

I've seen the same mentality in certain students (not all) in a public school setting. I call it a pack mentality. They would

not behave like this by themselves. But one "leader" can make the pack attack another child. It happens.

 

Many of those kiddos grow up and become ashamed of their behavior once they are adults. But it happens when you lump peers into a group or pack setting. The folly of man.

 

Actually, no. It wasn't required reading in my school and it never interested me. I probably should read it as an adult now, though. I hear you. I guess I'm just a Susie Sunshine - I see good in everyone and when people are intentionally cruel, I just can't understand it.

[AimeeM]

Doesn't sound at all like a failing of YOUR child.

:grouphug:

[texasmama]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug: