Is it normal to count kids of ex-DILs as your grandkids?

[Veritaserum]

I was emailing my mom tonight about Christmas present ideas for the kids and she made a comment about it being difficult to keep track of almost 17 grandkids. My son is the youngest grandkid and he is the 15th. Then I realized that she was counting my brother's ex-wife's son from her second marriage and the baby she is currently pregnant with in her third marriage. To clarify, my brother and his ex-wife have two children (grandchildren numbers 5 and 8). Those are my brother's only children, but my mom counts ex-SIL's two children born after the divorce and fathered by men who aren't my brother as her grandkids.

 

Is this normal? Or odd?

[annandatje]

It would be normal for my family's culture in regards to buying holiday gifts.

[Guest inoubliable]

I'm not sure how my parents see my brother's ex, but *my* family sees her second child with her second husband (her first daughter is her daughter with my brother) as our niece/cousin. My children still see her at their Aunt, so it just seemed natural to consider her second daughter as a cousin, too. I think "family" is what you decide is "family". :)

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Well, if they're her grandchildren's sister or brother then that makes sense.

[swellmomma]

My mom would count them in the gift giving. SHe would not feel right buying for 2 kids and not the rest in the same family. My ex's side is not that way. They pretended the kids I had with my ex dropped off the planet when ex and I split apparently. They don't give to their blood grandkids, they certainly would not consider my other 2 kids as grandkids. That said for the last 2 years my ex and his gf do bring a gift for each of my younger 2 kids even though they are not my ex's kids, for the same reason my mom would. You can't give to 2 and not the rest, it leads to kids being hurt and they should never be.

[Rosie_0801]

Odd or not, it's very nice and must be good for family unity.

[Elizabeth in MN]

It's not normal but it is very loving.

[SKL]

If all the kids are young and living together, and you buy for some, it would be normal to buy for all. If you let some of them call you granny, it should be allowed for all. What's there to lose?

 

My stepniece's ex-inlaws set up a college trust fund for her eldest son, who is not a blood or legal relative to them. When you love someone, you don't just walk away over something that isn't even their fault.

[mazakaal]

I'm not sure if I'd call it normal, but certainly acceptable. If she's remained involved in the lives of her 'birth' grandchildren, I think it's kind of nice that she considers the children born later as part of her family too. I think it'd be more awkward to only consider the older ones as part of her family and ignore the younger ones.

[gardenmom5]

I was emailing my mom tonight about Christmas present ideas for the kids and she made a comment about it being difficult to keep track of almost 17 grandkids. My son is the youngest grandkid and he is the 15th. Then I realized that she was counting my brother's ex-wife's son from her second marriage and the baby she is currently pregnant with in her third marriage. To clarify, my brother and his ex-wife have two children (grandchildren numbers 5 and 8). Those are my brother's only children, but my mom counts ex-SIL's two children born after the divorce and fathered by men who aren't my brother as her grandkids.

 

Is this normal? Or odd?

 

what is your mother's relationship with your ex-sil?

I do know a woman who treated her son's ex as a daughter, and her child with her 2nd husband as a granddaughter. as I watched one time, I thought may we all be so welcoming, and she was truly being christlike.

I think it is unusal in that most people aren't that gracious. I do think it is behavior for which we should aspire.

[Renee in NC]

Normal. Next weekend, we are attending the family Christmas event of my Dad's ex-wife's family. We are staying at the house of the cousin who is hosting it. I grew up with them as my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

 

The kicker? My DAD is going too, with his current wife (and yes, his ex-wife will be there.) My Dad claims the ex's daughter as his own, though she was born long after they divorced. I consider her my sister and her daughter my niece (we have a brother in common.)

 

I try to use their family as an example of how to treat people.

[Carrie12345]

I usually think "Whatever works!" But the post-divorce-kids thing is weird to me. I can't imagine my mother calling ex's kids her grandchildren, or ex's mom calling my other kids her grandchildren. (Or either of our spouses being comfortable with that!)

[Just Kate]

My brother has one daughter from his first marriage. My exSIL went on to remarry and she now has twins. My mom does not consider them to be part of our family. My brother also remarried a woman with two children (now my brother's stepsons). My mom considers those boys to be her grandsons.

[Durriyyah]

I think it would be weird for some of the kids to get presents from her, and some to not get presents. In that sense it makes it feel pretty normal to include them. I wouldn't include them in my list of grandchildren though. I don't consider my ex's mom a grandmother to DD2.

 

ETA: It would only be weird in the gift giving if it came in the mail, which I assume it would since she's an ex (I don't think she'd be invited to the family gathering, though some families do). If the kids saw her separately and got gifts from her without their siblings being with, that wouldn't be weird.

[myfatherslily]

I am not voting, as I don't know what would be considered "normal". However, I still call my ex-MIL "Mom" and live right next door to her. She considers me her daughter and we love each other very much. I think I would actually feel hurt if I remarried and had more children and she did NOT call them her grandchildren.

[Pod's mum]

My mum regularly emails and writes to one of my brother's ex fiances. They had no kids together and each married some-one else, but she and mum got on really well, so mum gets updates and photos of the kids etc. She has no mother or mother-in-law, so mum is like a defacto-mother-in-law.

[tabrizia]

I went with other. I think it really depends on family dynamics. I think it is great that she considers them her Grandchildren though, kids can never have too much love.

[AlmiraGulch]

My family tends to be like the Hotel California. You know...you can check out anytime you like, by you can never leave.

 

My parents consider all the "steps" their grandkids. Next Sunday I'm having a Christmas party at my house and in attendance will be, among others, my ex-husband, my DH's ex-wife and her parents, my stepson (visiting from out of the country), my stepdaughter, my mother-in-law and her husband (not DH's father), my sister's boyfriends kids, same sister's 1st husband's step-mother (they've been divorced for 20 years), my niece's daughter and stepdaughter, and so on. All the kids will get gifts from everyone. The stepkids are called grandkids, nieces, nephews, with no other designation. Everyone is "family" here in our own odd, dysfunctional way.

 

I do think it's a bit unusual, but it is what it is. It would be odd in my opinion for some of the kids to get gifts while others didn't.

[Veritaserum]

what is your mother's relationship with your ex-sil?

I do know a woman who treated her son's ex as a daughter, and her child with her 2nd husband as a granddaughter. as I watched one time, I thought may we all be so welcoming, and she was truly being christlike.

I think it is unusal in that most people aren't that gracious. I do think it is behavior for which we should aspire.

 

Her relationship with my ex-SIL is better than her relationship with me or my sister. I'm kind of meh about that, but it really bothers my sister. My mom has shown preferential treatment to this ex-SIL's wants over my or my sister's needs. When my bother and his first wife divorced, my mom took ex-SIL's side and blamed my brother even though she never bothered to find out his side. Things are more strained between my mom and my brother now that my brother has remarried. It's weird for him to have to compete with his ex-wife for his own mother's affections.

 

Because ex-SIL divorced her second husband when her son from that marriage was a baby and because her second husband in jail for being a very bad man, this little guy didn't have paternal grandparents. I took no issue with him being included with the other grandkids for gifts and parties and such. My brother does not consider him to be his son because he is not. He only takes his two bio children when it is his turn to have them. Ex-SIL moved to another state when she married her third husband, who has legally adopted her son from her second marriage. They are now expecting a baby, whom my mom has apparently claimed as her grandchild even though this baby has two sets of biological grandparents.

[Mrs Mungo]

I was emailing my mom tonight about Christmas present ideas for the kids and she made a comment about it being difficult to keep track of almost 17 grandkids. My son is the youngest grandkid and he is the 15th. Then I realized that she was counting my brother's ex-wife's son from her second marriage and the baby she is currently pregnant with in her third marriage. To clarify, my brother and his ex-wife have two children (grandchildren numbers 5 and 8). Those are my brother's only children, but my mom counts ex-SIL's two children born after the divorce and fathered by men who aren't my brother as her grandkids.

 

Is this normal? Or odd?

 

 

Oh, I voted before I read your post. I voted that it is not unusual, but I think it is unusual to count kids that were born *after* the divorce.

 

My dh was raised by his step-dad, his step-dad and mom married when he was 3. They divorced when he was in college, while we were dating. We still went and visited him with our dd until he passed away. His step-dad's SIL said something to me one day...something like, "I don't know why you all are here, your dh isn't really his kid," and I thought it was extremely rude because he was the only dad he really knew for a long time.

 

I have a cousin who actually received custody of his step-kids when he and his wife divorced because she was so messed up.

 

So, I think it is normal to count step-kids that were brought in to the family. I think it is unusual to count kids that were born after a divorce.

[sparrow]

Our family just kind of absorbs exes into the big family blob, which also includes many adoptees. Very few of us are related biologically, so no, it doesn't seem odd in my perspective.

[Impish]

Oh, I voted before I read your post. I voted that it is not unusual, but I think it is unusual to count kids that were born *after* the divorce.

 

My dh was raised by his step-dad, his step-dad and mom married when he was 3. They divorced when he was in college, while we were dating. We still went and visited him with our dd until he passed away. His step-dad's SIL said something to me one day...something like, "I don't know why you all are here, your dh isn't really his kid," and I thought it was extremely rude because he was the only dad he really knew for a long time.

 

I have a cousin who actually received custody of his step-kids when he and his wife divorced because she was so messed up.

 

So, I think it is normal to count step-kids that were brought in to the family. I think it is unusual to count kids that were born after a divorce.

 

What Mrs. Mungo said.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

It makes sense if she sees the kids when they are with her ex-DIL, which it sounds like she might.

 

It sounds like there is some painful stuff going on, but I think the inclusion of the child and the one on the way as grandchildren is the least of it, and it's not something I'd focus on.

[Farrar]

I think it's nice the way extended family can sometimes be a "real" grandparent. I wouldn't think it was odd either way.

[Amy in NH]

Odd, but nice.

 

My older boys are from a previous relationship. My younger kids are from my DH.

 

Ex-MIL does a lot for older boys, and has twice (in 10 years) sent something along for the younger kids too.

 

MIL & FIL grudgingly send along Christmas gifts for my older two, but not birthday gifts or cards. This past summer they had a 50th anniversary party with relatives attending from all over the country. There was a group picture taken of the grandchildren, and my older children were excluded from the photo. The older kids have had these ILs in their lives since they were 4 and 2 years old.

[Galatea]

I don't know if it's normal, but it's great if she loves those children enough to consider them grandkids and buy gifts for them. I have some atypical "grandparents" and it's always meant a lot to me that they count me as a granddaughter and remember my birthday even though their not related to me directly by blood.

[ChristineW]

Normal. My cousin is divorced. He had one daughter in the marriage. His exwife has remarried and has a boy in that marriage. Grandma buys presents for both; she doesn't refer to him as her grandson. She's on good terms with the ex.

 

Christine

[Veritaserum]

I'm not sure what her relationship with ex-SIL's kids will be like in the future. Since ex-SIL moved out of the state, I never see her or her kids that aren't my brother's kids. I see my brothers kids when he comes to visit because he brings them with him and his new wife. My parents see ex-SIL when they go there. My mom upset my brother (again) when she asked him to take a load of Christmas presents for ex-SIL and her husband when my brother was here for Thanksgiving. There has been other weird stuff like when a different brother arranged dinner plans with my parents to celebrate his graduation from his music doctorate. My mom canceled because ex-SIL invited them to come do something at her house. The graduated brother attended as well, but it was nothing like a celebration for his accomplishment anymore. He was hurt and annoyed that my parents did that.

 

I guess I'm realizing that the counting of the children only rubs wrong because ex-SIL is apparently my mother's favorite child....

[Impish]

I'm not sure what her relationship with ex-SIL's kids will be like in the future. Since ex-SIL moved out of the state, I never see her or her kids that aren't my brother's kids. I see my brothers kids when he comes to visit because he brings them with him and his new wife. My parents see ex-SIL when they go there. My mom upset my brother (again) when she asked him to take a load of Christmas presents for ex-SIL and her husband when my brother was here for Thanksgiving. There has been other weird stuff like when a different brother arranged dinner plans with my parents to celebrate his graduation from his music doctorate. My mom canceled because ex-SIL invited them to come do something at her house. The graduated brother attended as well, but it was nothing like a celebration for his accomplishment anymore. He was hurt and annoyed that my parents did that.

 

I guess I'm realizing that the counting of the children only rubs wrong because ex-SIL is apparently my mother's favorite child....

Umm, yeah.

 

A parent openly favouring a child is hurtful to the others. To have it be an ex inlaw would make it that much worse, I would think.

[sparrow]

I'm not sure what her relationship with ex-SIL's kids will be like in the future. Since ex-SIL moved out of the state, I never see her or her kids that aren't my brother's kids. I see my brothers kids when he comes to visit because he brings them with him and his new wife. My parents see ex-SIL when they go there. My mom upset my brother (again) when she asked him to take a load of Christmas presents for ex-SIL and her husband when my brother was here for Thanksgiving. There has been other weird stuff like when a different brother arranged dinner plans with my parents to celebrate his graduation from his music doctorate. My mom canceled because ex-SIL invited them to come do something at her house. The graduated brother attended as well, but it was nothing like a celebration for his accomplishment anymore. He was hurt and annoyed that my parents did that.

 

I guess I'm realizing that the counting of the children only rubs wrong because ex-SIL is apparently my mother's favorite child....

 

That would hurt. :grouphug:

[Jenny in Florida]

I voted "other," because I do think it's unusual, in the sense that it's not what the majority of people do. However, I don't think there's anything wrong with your mom's approach, as long as the parents of the kids are okay with it.

 

As others have mentioned, it does open up the possibility for hurt feelings, comparisons, feelings of exclusion if your mom gives gifts to the grandchildren who are biologically "hers" and ignores their siblings. So, I think it's lovely that she includes them.

 

My mother- and father-in-law were "Grandma and Grandpa" to a whole passel of kids to whom they had some loose familial connection, without regard to biology. For example, one of my brothers-in-law had a child with a girlfriend whom he did not marry. Both the child and her mother remained close to my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law, for the rest of her life, even as their relationships with my brother-in-law waxed and waned. Meanwhile, the girl's mom went on to have a second child, and the father of that daughter was never involved. They folded her into the family.

 

Several years after that, she married a man who had been divorced and who brought two kids of his own into the marriage. Those kids, too, called my in-laws Grandma and Grandpa. And, when the now-married parents added a couple more kids to the brood, they were added to the list of unofficial grandchildren. All of them visted for holidays. All of them considered my in-laws a third set of grandparents.

 

I can't see that those relationships harmed anyone, and I am certain that both the kids and my in-laws gained a lot from having each other in their lives.

[Word Nerd]

I don't know how "normal" it is, but it's kind and inclusive of her to see it that way.

 

My mom's sister died a couple of years ago, and my uncle remarried. He and his new wife have visited my grandma, and she still considers her former son-in-law part of her family. I don't think of him as my former uncle, either. They are older, so more kids won't be in the picture, but if they did have children together I think Grandma would consider them her grandchildren without even stopping to consider it.

[KungFuPanda]

It sounds normal to me. You don't make a child part of your life and family only to discard them when things don't work out with adults. I don't care for the 'If you ain't blood you don't count' mentality. If you got divorced, you wouldn't return your adopted children!

[Crimson Wife]

I think it's fairly common to include children who were step-grandkids until the divorce, but these are children born AFTER the divorce? Yeah, that's a bit odd. Two of my cousins have half-siblings who were born after my aunt divorced her ex to the ex and his 2nd wife. Those children are not part of our family. They seemed perfectly nice the one time I met them at an event hosted by my cousin, but they already have a family (their parents').

 

Now my DH has some step-cousins who are his uncle's stepkids. They grew up as part of DH's family (bio dad is not in the picture) and even if his uncle and aunt were to divorce now, I think they'd still be considered part of the family.

[Veritaserum]

Yeah, I'm in the "it's weird" camp because we never, ever see ex-SIL or her soon-to-be two kids born post-divorce. If she'd brought kids into the relationship with my brother that we interacted with as our nieces and nephews, it would be different. Also, if ex-SIL were still in the area and still participated as a member of the family, it wouldn't be weird. The only time I've seen her in the past 5 years was at my grandmother's funeral. I don't think any of my siblings consider her post-divorce kids to be our nephew and niece because we have no relationship with her or them. They have aunts and uncles from their mother's and father's families. And then there is the whole favoritism thing my mom has with my ex-SIL. I swear she is more excited about ex-SIL's new baby than she was about mine. Ex-SIL is going to name the baby what my mom had really wanted to name me (my dad vetoed the name). It's just icky and even though I'm the least bugged about the situation of all my siblings, I think it's time we had a chat with her to tell her how her actions hurt us. It's oblivious on her part. She assumes we all feel the same way she does about ex-SIL.

[Impish]

I wish you luck in the discussion! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

Related question (but no need to answer b/c I heard enough fighting about it in real life :boxing_smiley: )

 

Do you include/mention unborn children in an obituary? Like if someone is pregnant but hasn't given birth is that child included in the count?

[Impish]

Personally, I wouldn't. But then again, it's not a situation I've ever dealt w/, or even heard of in my circle of friends.

[unsinkable]

Personally, I wouldn't. But then again, it's not a situation I've ever dealt w/, or even heard of in my circle of friends.

 

 

Lucky girl.

 

Because you could be in charge of writing the obituary because you are the "best writer" and two people could end up screaming in your ears:

 

INCLUDE!

 

DON'T INCLUDE!

 

until you have to quietly put the pen down, walk outside, sit in your car and listen to your radio REALLY LOUD!

[Impish]

Oh my goodness.

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

Thanks!

 

(The "NOT INCLUDE" person rallied others to her cause and "won.")

[Impish]

What an odd thing to battle about. :confused1:

[Crimson Wife]

Related question (but no need to answer b/c I heard enough fighting about it in real life :boxing_smiley: )

 

Do you include/mention unborn children in an obituary? Like if someone is pregnant but hasn't given birth is that child included in the count?

 

 

Hoo boy, this is a doozy. I wrote an obituary for my maternal grandma when my cousin's wife was in her 3rd tri. I included the unborn baby as a grandchild and it caused a huge fight within the family.

[unsinkable]

 

Hoo boy, this is a doozy. I wrote an obituary for my maternal grandma when my cousin's wife was in her 3rd tri. I included the unborn baby as a grandchild and it caused a huge fight within the family.

 

 

Yes, it was quite a doozy.

[Veritaserum]

 

Lucky girl.

 

Because you could be in charge of writing the obituary because you are the "best writer" and two people could end up screaming in your ears:

 

INCLUDE!

 

DON'T INCLUDE!

 

until you have to quietly put the pen down, walk outside, sit in your car and listen to your radio REALLY LOUD!

 

 

I'd include the unborn child. I'm sorry people were fighting. :grouphug:

[Seasider]

It's not normal but it is very loving.

 

 

Agreed! So nice of your mother to remain a caring adult in the lives of these children. I believe many would not make the effort.

[mommaduck]

I was emailing my mom tonight about Christmas present ideas for the kids and she made a comment about it being difficult to keep track of almost 17 grandkids. My son is the youngest grandkid and he is the 15th. Then I realized that she was counting my brother's ex-wife's son from her second marriage and the baby she is currently pregnant with in her third marriage. To clarify, my brother and his ex-wife have two children (grandchildren numbers 5 and 8). Those are my brother's only children, but my mom counts ex-SIL's two children born after the divorce and fathered by men who aren't my brother as her grandkids.

 

Is this normal? Or odd?

That all depends upon her relationship with ex-DIL. Technically, no, of course not, but if she wishes to view them that way, for whatever reason, so be it.

[Guest Mckenna]

What a fabulous woman! Good for her.

[Rosie_0801]

Obviously preferring an ex over biological children sure isn't polite though...

[katilac]

If visits include all the kids as a group, I think it's perfectly normal. Around here, any random kids hanging about at holidays and such are generally proclaimed family and are given presents, included in the photo shoot, and so on. The neighbors have to exercise caution :laugh:

 

The favoritism is a completely different issue, and should be addressed head on with no reference to the bonus grandkids.