RainbowSprinkles Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) UPDATE POST 54 ON PAGE 6 My dd 10 is upstairs screaming and crying her eyes out because I won't let her go to a Halloween party that she was invited to 2 days ago. S She has been in public school for 2 weeks, made friends with this girl. The party is 4 and a half hours long. I don't know anything about this girl or her parents and dd expects me to just drop her off there and wish her a good time. Am I wrong for not letting her go? Edited October 28, 2012 by RainbowSprinkles Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMomof4 Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Nope, not wrong! We had our dd in school last year and if I couldn't be present or didn't know someone that would be there - she didn't go. Parties, school dances, etc. I wouldn't even let her ride the bus to and from games because she told me the kind of things that went on. There were the 'good' kids but they still were kissing and such if there wasn't soper-supervision. Making sure they don't kill themselves isn't enough sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Can you go with her? Otherwise, I wouldn't have her go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowSprinkles Posted October 27, 2012 Author Share Posted October 27, 2012 Can you go with her? Otherwise, I wouldn't have her go. No, my dh is at work and I would have to take all 4 kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Call the parents, go in with her and visit a while. She wants to be part of this class. It's all they'll talk about next week. Have her call you in the middle and go drop in and visit early when you pick her up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenpatty Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Nope, I wouldn't let her go, and especially not if she is throwing a tantrum about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Call the parents, go in with her and visit a while. She wants to be part of this class. It's all they'll talk about next week. Have her call you in the middle and go drop in and visit early when you pick her up. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elsiegirls9 Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Same here, if she's acting like that, and you give in and let her go, that's only rewarding the bad behavior! She sounds like she needs a trip to the outhouse~KWIM Never reward the negative actions, only reward positive ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Call the parents, go in with her and visit a while. She wants to be part of this class. It's all they'll talk about next week. Have her call you in the middle and go drop in and visit early when you pick her up. This is a good thought. I would consider having her go but not stay the whole time. I hadn't thought of that when I responded earlier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlyingMOm Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 There is no way I'd let my daughter go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Call the parents, go in with her and visit a while. She wants to be part of this class. It's all they'll talk about next week. Have her call you in the middle and go drop in and visit early when you pick her up. :iagree: If she's going to be staying in this school you want her to have the chance to be part of the class and make friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Well, you did have 2 days to call them and introduce yourself. In your other thread you had said that you had grounded her from the party for bad behavior to her siblings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Yes. I would let my child go. But, I'd have called the parents first and gotten to know them a bit. I'd have gone to the door with my child and introduced myself to the parents. And, I'd give the child a cell phone that he could use to call me if there were a problem and he wanted to be picked up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowSprinkles Posted October 27, 2012 Author Share Posted October 27, 2012 Well, you did have 2 days to call them and introduce yourself. In your other thread you had said that you had grounded her from the party for bad behavior to her siblings. Yes. I did. I was originally thinking if my dh was home I could take the baby to the party and go to the party with her for maybe 2 hours. Then this morning happened and that's when I told her she couldn't go because of her behavior toward her siblings. Either way, she's upstairs kicking and screaming and I'm wondering if I was wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Well, you did have 2 days to call them and introduce yourself. In your other thread you had said that you had grounded her from the party for bad behavior to her siblings. :iagree: If most of the other kids from her class will be there, I would let her go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarahbobeara Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 I'd stick to your guns and not allow her to go to the party, tantrum or not. She will have lots more chances for social interaction. My daughter is the same age and would carry on as well (and she also has the same negative attitude toward her siblings some days). I would probably go out of my way to schedule a friend or 2 to come over during this week/weekend, so she doesn't feel completely left out of being social. However, you've taken tonight's party away and it's off the table. Move forward from here, maybe have her organize a family game night tonight? My 10 year old loves to be in charge. Hope she'll talk to you and you can change her attitude :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowSprinkles Posted October 27, 2012 Author Share Posted October 27, 2012 :iagree: If most of the other kids from her class will be there, I would let her go. From what I understand it's just a couple of other girls from her class. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 You are not wrong to forbid attendance to a party due to bad behavior. As kids get older, it is increasingly common for them to be invited places with people you do not know. It's fine to pick up the phone, call, and feel out a situation. It's also fine to attend the party with your dd for a time to gauge whether or not it's a good situation. I would not, however, forbid a party entirely just because I have never met the people, because it's easy to take steps to gain the information you need to make a good decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Considering you handed it down as punishment as described on the other thread and she's now throwing a fit over it, I certainly wouldn't change my mind now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
curlylocks Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Considering you handed it down as punishment as described on the other thread and she's now throwing a fit over it, I certainly wouldn't change my mind now. :iagree: -- No way, no how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 :iagree: If she's going to be staying in this school you want her to have the chance to be part of the class and make friends. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) Sorry, I just disappointed my DD because she is not allowed to go to a co-op dance that doesn't allow parent volunteers and I am not sure will be supervised appropriately. :grouphug: We make the hard choices, that's why we get the big bucks...oh wait! We don't get any bucks! Just tears...:001_smile: ETA, dad and I have discussed with DD the proper way to approach us (and that we are open to it) if she disagrees with a choice we made and wants to present her side of it. She knows if she throws a fit, she has no chance. At a later time, after she calms down, discuss with her the proper way to present her side of things, and let her know (if that is true) that you will honestly listen to what she has to say if she presents it in a mature manner. We have told DD if she is not mature enough to talk to us rationally, then she is not mature enough to challenge our decisions. Edited October 27, 2012 by coloradoperkins Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 My dd 10 is upstairs screaming and crying her eyes out because I won't let her go to a Halloween party that she was invited to 2 days ago. S She has been in public school for 2 weeks, made friends with this girl. The party is 4 and a half hours long. I don't know anything about this girl or her parents and dd expects me to just drop her off there and wish her a good time. Am I wrong for not letting her go? A new friend has reached out to her, in her new community, and she wants to indicate that she's interested in friendship by accepting the invitation. That's a good thing. Call the parents, ask about the party. Loan your dd a cell phone with assorted instructions about when/why to call. If you're really worried, and the party is a distance away, gather up the littles and find a cafe in the neighborhood to hang out in. Baby steps - in a few years she'll be driving and you'll have very little say in where she goes. Use this as an opportunity to teach the basics now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justkeepswimming Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 (edited) Then this morning happened and that's when I told her she couldn't go because of her behavior toward her siblings. Either way, she's upstairs kicking and screaming and I'm wondering if I was wrong. :mellow::huh::blink: In our house - no party. No how, no way. There'd be consequences to the fit-pitching as well - extra chores and no social activities for the foreseeable future. *Especially* if the original "grounding" was because of her behavior to her siblings. You don't get to treat the people IN the house badly, and then go party and smile and have a good time with your friends while your siblings stay home. My kids know that "no" means exactly that. Pitching a fit over it will only gain them additional chores and a VERY LIGHT social life for a while. However, when they behave like the civilized people they are, I will often change my "no" to a "yes" when circumstances change (schedule change that will make their request more easily do-able, or I find more information about whatever even they are requesting and become comfortable with it...). They always are given an open opportunity to "talk it out" and explain to me their side of the situation. I listen, and sometimes that changes my original stance. But, if they've pitched a fit, or whined, about my original "no" - not gonna happen. ETA: If you're needing to *know* the parents before your daughter goes to a party at their house, you'll either need to become the "room mom" or approach the moms for coffee out or something. Public school parents have a limited amount of time to get together - and for most, knowing all the other parents just isn't going to be a priority. Especially in the higher elementary and later years. In future, you might have to relax on that just a bit - or make a big effort to invite the other families over for a BBQ or Make-Your-Own-Sundae social gathering at your house - or something - in order to get to know them. Edited October 27, 2012 by justkeepswimming Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 I didn't read the prior thread about her behavior, so I can't comment on that, but being the kid in class who is never allowed to go to anyone's house because your parents are uber protective does make it harder to socially integrate, and ps is hell-on-earth when you're the class outcast. Been there, have the t-shirt. If your main reason for not letting her go is that you don't know the parents, give them a call and if they seem like sane, rational people, let her go for a couple hours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 ETA: If you're needing to *know* the parents before your daughter goes to a party at their house, you'll either need to become the "room mom" or approach the moms for coffee out or something. Public school parents have a limited amount of time to get together - and for most, knowing all the other parents just isn't going to be a priority. Especially in the higher elementary and later years. In future, you might have to relax on that just a bit - or make a big effort to invite the other families over for a BBQ or Make-Your-Own-Sundae social gathering at your house - or something - in order to get to know them. Exactly. I haven't been following your posts, so I don't know why your dd is in school. But if it is to be a successful venture for her, then you need to make an effort to find public school kids that you are OK with her hanging out with. This party may have been an opportunity to do so. If you've lost that opportunity, perhaps you can follow up by letting her ask the girls over to your house. Remember, of course, that their parents may have the same fears about their kids going to your house as you have about theirs, so be sure to reach out to them and let them know they can stay and visit with you, etc. Find a way to nurture your dd's friendships that fits with your values/time/rules/limitations. Soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 I wouldn't, but only because you've already withdrawn your permission as punishment for her meaness to sibs. Otherwise, yes, I would have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Yes. I did. I was originally thinking if my dh was home I could take the baby to the party and go to the party with her for maybe 2 hours. Then this morning happened and that's when I told her she couldn't go because of her behavior toward her siblings. Either way, she's upstairs kicking and screaming and I'm wondering if I was wrong. :confused: You made a decision. Stick to it. Any indecision will only add to the mess. FWIW, you do need to try to have her get to know other classmates down the road once this situation has long passed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Without the grounding for sibling behavior/tantrum aspect of it, I would have let her go. It's difficult to break ground and fit in as the new kid, and I"m sure she's feeling sabotaged right now. Homeschooling comes with the benefit of having to deal with the social lives of your kids in small doses. Not so once they enter a school system. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toawh Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 I wouldn't go back on your word because that would tell her that a tantrum gets results and is a good route to take when frustrated. That being said, I empathize with her. From what I understand she is newly entering the school system from a home school situation. I grew up in a very sheltered-from-the-world way and felt disadvantaged amongst my peers as a result. Because of this, I often tried to distance myself from my family to feel that I fit in better. The way I did this was by being unkind to my siblings. Now I regret it, but punishments never helped because they were aimed at the symptom not the problem. I'm not saying this is her reasoning, but maybe a listening ear would get better results that would make everyone happier. If she feels you understand her needs for friendship or belonging or whatever she will better accommodate your needs (concerns) as well. And you'll grow closer as a family supporting one another rather than it being ones concerns outweigh the others. My two cents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Yes. I would let my child go. But, I'd have called the parents first and gotten to know them a bit. I'd have gone to the door with my child and introduced myself to the parents. And, I'd give the child a cell phone that he could use to call me if there were a problem and he wanted to be picked up. :iagree: My 10yo dd only has public school friends, so we have to work within the PS social scene. I have to tell you, that if my dd was the new kid in school and had a social invite after 2 weeks, I would have made her attending a priority. Not going may be a big social miss for her. Like a PP said, the other kids are going to be talking about the party, and she will still be on the outside by not attending. If you are wanting to know the other parents (and I would too), you are going to have to be proactive about it. You are going to have to be at the school putting in a lot of face time. It will be tiring, but it is necessary - particularly if your oldest is blazing the trail for the youngers. Tonight my 10yo dd is hosting a girl game night. We had one last month, and it was a pretty big to-do at school as the girls compared notes on who was invited and who wasn't. The girls talked about it leading up the party, and they talked about it after. These things matter at this age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 I don't think you were wrong for not letting her go as a punishment IF you truly feel the punishment fit the crime. However, be careful that you didn't use that as punishment simply because YOU didn't want to go. I have done this in the past without really realizing that I was doing it and I ended up apologizing to dd. She still didn't get to go (it was too late by that time), but I owned up and that was a good learning lesson for both of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 :it was a pretty big to-do at school as the girls compared notes on who was invited and who wasn't. I'm sorry but this is just so sad. This is one of the reasons that I'm so glad we don't have to deal with the popular\unpopular B.S. that goes on in classrooms. I feel really sorry for the poor girls in that class who didn't get invited.:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 I'm sorry but this is just so sad. This is one of the reasons that I'm so glad we don't have to deal with the popular\unpopular B.S. that goes on in classrooms. I feel really sorry for the poor girls in that class who didn't get invited.:( Me too, but what do you do? I can't fit 30 girls in my house or in my van. But...that's life. No one can be invited to everything all the time. I get left out of things as an adult. My dd gets left out just like the other girls. None of it is malicious. It just is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnaM Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 I'm sorry but this is just so sad. This is one of the reasons that I'm so glad we don't have to deal with the popular\unpopular B.S. that goes on in classrooms. I feel really sorry for the poor girls in that class who didn't get invited.:( :iagree: I do not miss classroom politics at all. That said, I would stand my ground simply on the basis of that is what you used as a consequence for bad behavior. I also would not personally have let my child go without knowing the parents first, but I would make an effort to get to know the parents so that next time I was comfortable with it. Maybe you can host something around Christmas for the girls to do? Or let your DD earn the privilege of having a sleep over with some of her classmates. I would definitely make the effort to let her get to know her classmates outside of school after her punishment has been served. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted October 27, 2012 Share Posted October 27, 2012 Nope, I wouldn't have let her go either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Call the parents, go in with her and visit a while. She wants to be part of this class. It's all they'll talk about next week. Have her call you in the middle and go drop in and visit early when you pick her up. :iagree: I think it's really nice a child from her class included her already and it's a good opportunity. I don't know anything about the discipline thread either. I didn't read the prior thread about her behavior, so I can't comment on that, but being the kid in class who is never allowed to go to anyone's house because your parents are uber protective does make it harder to socially integrate, and ps is hell-on-earth when you're the class outcast. Been there, have the t-shirt. If your main reason for not letting her go is that you don't know the parents, give them a call and if they seem like sane, rational people, let her go for a couple hours. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Me too, but what do you do? I can't fit 30 girls in my house or in my van. But...that's life. No one can be invited to everything all the time. I get left out of things as an adult. My dd gets left out just like the other girls. None of it is malicious. It just is. I get what your trying to do for your dd...trying to create friendships and set up social activities for her, and I understand that you aren't purposefully trying to exclude anyone. I just also know how mean and malicious little girls can be (I'm not implying your own dc are). All it takes is one of the girls you invited to rub it in someone else's face that they didn't. I guess it was just the way you phrased your whole post. Phrases like "social scene", "social miss", "putting in face time"...they all remind me of old movies I've seen in which if the young lady misses the debutante ball for the year she is considered a social outcast. I don't know...I know you didn't mean anything like that but that type of social politics just sets my teeth on edge. Didn't mean to offend or imply ... not trying to get anyone's shackles up ... just sharing an observation...carry on.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I think not letting her go to social events where you don't know the kids/parents is kind of cruel if you are putting her in school with all kids/parents you don't know. IN that situation I'd call the parents, talk to them a bit, then drop her off and pick her up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I don't think you were wrong for not letting her go as a punishment IF you truly feel the punishment fit the crime. However, be careful that you didn't use that as punishment simply because YOU didn't want to go. I have done this in the past without really realizing that I was doing it and I ended up apologizing to dd. She still didn't get to go (it was too late by that time), but I owned up and that was a good learning lesson for both of us. :iagree:Be sure you didn't choose this punishment to give yourself an out on the party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 :iagree: Call the parents, go in with her and visit a while. She wants to be part of this class. It's all they'll talk about next week. Have her call you in the middle and go drop in and visit early when you pick her up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Well, you did have 2 days to call them and introduce yourself. In your other thread you had said that you had grounded her from the party for bad behavior to her siblings. That's right! Good memory, you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelaNYC Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I wouldn't, but only because you've already withdrawn your permission as punishment for her meaness to sibs. Otherwise, yes, I would have. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Very thoughtful post. Our kids need our guidance. A new friend has reached out to her, in her new community, and she wants to indicate that she's interested in friendship by accepting the invitation. That's a good thing. Call the parents, ask about the party. Loan your dd a cell phone with assorted instructions about when/why to call. If you're really worried, and the party is a distance away, gather up the littles and find a cafe in the neighborhood to hang out in. Baby steps - in a few years she'll be driving and you'll have very little say in where she goes. Use this as an opportunity to teach the basics now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 :iagree:Be sure you didn't choose this punishment to give yourself an out on the party. I thought the exact same thing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I get what your trying to do for your dd...trying to create friendships and set up social activities for her, and I understand that you aren't purposefully trying to exclude anyone. I just also know how mean and malicious little girls can be (I'm not implying your own dc are). All it takes is one of the girls you invited to rub it in someone else's face that they didn't. This is true, but what is the alternative? No one should ever host a social event until kids are out of high school unless you can invite all 60 kids in the class? Should no one have birthday parties or overnights? My dd is sad when she's not included in things, but I know the other parents are making tough choices too. Everyone is doing the best they can do. Now the girls who are cruel...well...I have some special thoughts about them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Same here, if she's acting like that, and you give in and let her go, that's only rewarding the bad behavior! She sounds like she needs a trip to the outhouse~KWIM Never reward the negative actions, only reward positive ones. :iagree: Even if I was on the fence about letting her go before, I would not now if she is acting like that. It is completely unacceptable behavior, especially from a 10 year old Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 This is true, but what is the alternative? No one should ever host a social event until kids are out of high school unless you can invite all 60 kids in the class? Should no one have birthday parties or overnights? My dd is sad when she's not included in things, but I know the other parents are making tough choices too. Everyone is doing the best they can do. :iagree: It really isn't fair for a homeschooler to comment on the social scene and politics of a typical school. With 6 daughters, the whole popularity contest drama is a big reason we decided to forgo schools in general. There are just so many landmines to avoid and I'm thankful I don't have to deal with it. No need to get all judgy about something we don't have to navigate :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 In non-anti-social world it is considered pretty normal for children to attend Halloween parties thrown by classmates. Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) In non-anti-social world it is considered pretty normal for children to attend Halloween parties thrown by classmates. Bill Hey Bill!! :) I get to agree with you ;) Inviting the new kid is usually a really kind gesture :) I would have let her go because... well... invites don't always happen, and once they don't get to go... especially if she said she's come, is unlikely to be invited again. (If the host only was able to invite a few kids) I don't usually withdraw good things from my children for poor behavior. Friends are SOOOO important in school and it's hard to dive in where others have already formed relationships ;( Edited October 28, 2012 by NayfiesMama And yes, I meet the parents and talk for a few if I don't know them. I've also been known to ask around about the parents.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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