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How to question someone about religion?


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OK I am not anti-religion or anything like that. I have no issue with God or Jesus Christ or anything of a religion nature. That being said, I am not a die hard core church person. I love God! I do not like his fan club. I say this not to insult. I grew up in a Catholic home but sadly the majority of the churches I have ever been in (not just Catholic) and the majority of people I have been around in those places are just not my cup of tea.

 

They are really not my kids cups of tea either AT ALL. I live in a Bible Belt. I have been here two years and have made 0 friends. I have met homeschoolers. The first words out of their mouths are always the same, almost as if they all took the same class, Where do you go to church and what does your husband do?

 

I just met you I don't wanna tell you that we don't do church because my son has autism and he hates singing. I don't wanna be rude and say I no longer have the tolerance for church after being there most of my childhood. I don't wanna say that I never married my childhood sweetie who I have 4 kids with because he has issues. These are just not things you say upon introduction. But as soon as I answer the conversation ends and people walk away.

 

I first moved here got set up in a group took a fieldtrip only to leave with one child in tears and me feeling hostile. The entire group pretty much ignored us. Two mothers were quite vocal over telling their kids not to play with mine as we didn't go to their church. Even the director or whatever who I had spoken with on the phone for 2 hours ignored us.

 

So my kids are lonely to say the least. There is a new group. I have seen it advertised. I talked again with the director or whatever and it seemed great. This group was not religion based. AWESOME!! I got paperwork to fill out the second question was, What is your home church? How do I take this? I cannot cannot put my kids around mean people again and I won't.

 

How do I ask this woman who I really liked over the phone, who knows we are not church people if she is really running a open to all group? I don't wanna be rude. I don't want to make people think I am some God hater, but I don't want to get myself into the situation surrounded by a bunch of people who are not going to like me right off the bat.

 

There is also a non-refundable fee to join. I pay that and what if it is just like the other group? The other director who told me everyone is so great so friendly blah blah blah. So then I am out money and 3 kids are looking at me asking why no one will play with them. So any advice? What would any of you do?

 

Before you say start your own group, I have tried. If there are secular homeschoolers in this area they must be well hidden.

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:grouphug:

 

I'd ask the director if you could attend the first meeting prior to paying the fee to see if it is going to work for your family. That way it's not a total loss - if it works you can pay the fee to her then, if not then it didn't work.

 

I'm not sure the ages of your kiddos, but I'd just be honest with them that we are going to try a new homeschool group, but you're not sure it will work for XYZ reasons.

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Say it like you said here. That you believe in God, that you are a Christian (if you feel that is accurate) but that you do not have a church home and are not currently looking. If pressed say that it is hard to find a good fit that meets your children's needs.

 

The church and husband question is probably just a filler. Like 'what grade our your kids in?" it might just be women trying to see where you and they fit together.

 

Repeat the 'no church home at this time, not currently looking' line and when asked about your husband talk about the person (your partner) not the legal title.

 

i.e., "What does your husband do?"

"Paul is a circus clown (banker, doctor, artist, whatever)

 

There is no reason to delve into lengthly discussions at a first meet up.

 

I am also in the Bible belt (urrgh) I understand how women like to break themselves into similar groupings. Is there something else you can say like.

 

"We are in Girl Scouts"

"We do soccer at the Y"

 

whatever

 

There is someone out there you can click with.

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:grouphug:

 

I'd ask the director if you could attend the first meeting prior to paying the fee to see if it is going to work for your family. That way it's not a total loss - if it works you can pay the fee to her then, if not then it didn't work.

 

I'm not sure the ages of your kiddos, but I'd just be honest with them that we are going to try a new homeschool group, but you're not sure it will work for XYZ reasons.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't bother with homeschool groups much anymore. It must be so much harder for you living in the Bible Belt. I have found that most groups who claim to be open aren't really or are very cliquish. I graduated high school a long time ago and don't feel like trying to win popularity contests.

 

I got so excited because they started a Freethinkers group here- entirely for non-believers. Unfortunately, most of them are unschoolers. Not that I have anything against unschoolers really, just not my cuppa and I don't have much in common with them.

 

I have had luck finding friends for my kiddos through sports and pokemon club. Pokemon club in particular is awesome for my quirky 12yo. Might be something you want to consider. There are pokemon leagues and clubs everywhere.

 

My 9yo would like to add a smilie. This is the one he likes: :iagree:

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:iagree:

 

I don't bother with homeschool groups much anymore. It must be so much harder for you living in the Bible Belt. I have found that most groups who claim to be open aren't really or are very cliquish. I graduated high school a long time ago and don't feel like trying to win popularity contests.

 

I got so excited because they started a Freethinkers group here- entirely for non-believers. Unfortunately, most of them are unschoolers. Not that I have anything against unschoolers really, just not my cuppa and I don't have much in common with them.

 

I have had luck finding friends for my kiddos through sports and pokemon club. Pokemon club in particular is awesome for my quirky 12yo. Might be something you want to consider. There are pokemon leagues and clubs everywhere.

 

My 9yo would like to add a smilie. This is the one he likes: :iagree:

 

Thatnks 9yo :001_smile:

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I am honestly dumbfounded 99% of the time when threads like this show up here. Where are all of these bigoted, hateful, Christian (I use the term loosely) people coming from?!?! I am a preacher's wife living in the Bible Belt, and I would never treat someone like that. Tell my kids not to play with someone else's kids because they don't got to church!?!? You have got to be kidding me.

 

:grouphug: to you OP. You can come hang out with me and my kids anytime...if you're anywhere close to Houston that is. :D

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I am honestly dumbfounded 99% of the time when threads like this show up here. Where are all of these bigoted, hateful, Christian (I use the term loosely) people coming from?!?! I am a preacher's wife living in the Bible Belt, and I would never treat someone like that. Tell my kids not to play with someone else's kids because they don't got to church!?!? You have got to be kidding me.

 

:grouphug: to you OP. You can come hang out with me and my kids anytime...if you're anywhere close to Houston that is. :D

 

I am in North FL so it is a bit of a trip! Sadly it wasn't even the whole we didn't go to church...The one woman was very vocal we didn't go to their church. I had never heard that before. I mean I guess I understand that like minded people want their kids around such but to basically say that theirs was the only church or something like that. I didn't even understand. I met a public school mom at a library event and she said ALOT of people around here are like that.

 

They only socilize with people in their church.

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I am in North FL so it is a bit of a trip! Sadly it wasn't even the whole we didn't go to church...The one woman was very vocal we didn't go to their church. I had never heard that before. I mean I guess I understand that like minded people want their kids around such but to basically say that theirs was the only church or something like that. I didn't even understand. I met a public school mom at a library event and she said ALOT of people around here are like that.

 

They only socilize with people in their church.

 

I'm glad Jesus didn't follow that rule. :glare:

 

So sorry about the situation, but I would do as a pp suggested and just write N/A. If she questions you, then say we don't attend church anywhere, but we are Christian, do believe in God, or whatever your faith beliefs are.

 

If you have to pay the money before when you turn in your application, then I would (call, email, text) her and ask if it's a problem that you don't attend church anywhere because you weren't sure if that was a requirement when you saw the question on the form.

 

I hope it all works out well for you and your family.

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I'm glad Jesus didn't follow that rule. :glare:

 

So sorry about the situation, but I would do as a pp suggested and just write N/A. If she questions you, then say we don't attend church anywhere, but we are Christian, do believe in God, or whatever your faith beliefs are.

 

If you have to pay the money before when you turn in your application, then I would (call, email, text) her and ask if it's a problem that you don't attend church anywhere because you weren't sure if that was a requirement when you saw the question on the form.

 

I hope it all works out well for you and your family.

 

thank you

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Just ask. If she can't hack questions, she's too uptight for you to be friends.

 

Rosie

 

:iagree: Yep.

 

And ask before you pay.

 

Just because they've already started doesn't mean you have to pay just to go to one or two events and see if it would be a good fit or not. Most people would understand and let you check them out first. If she doesn't, well then that is a big clue for you as to what type of group it is.

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I am honestly dumbfounded 99% of the time when threads like this show up here. Where are all of these bigoted, hateful, Christian (I use the term loosely) people coming from?!?! I am a preacher's wife living in the Bible Belt, and I would never treat someone like that. Tell my kids not to play with someone else's kids because they don't got to church!?!? You have got to be kidding me.

 

:grouphug: to you OP. You can come hang out with me and my kids anytime...if you're anywhere close to Houston that is. :D

 

I puffy-heart love you! Seriously! When did Jesus ever reject people? For real!

 

Just ask. If she can't hack questions, she's too uptight for you to be friends.

 

Rosie

 

Yep. Just ask. Some "Christians" can be downright mean. That's just wrong and goes against everything Jesus taught and stood for. I think this group sounds kinda good, but you never know until you try. FTR, you would be welcomed in my mostly-Christian, but some Atheist-leaning, group.

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I am honestly dumbfounded 99% of the time when threads like this show up here. Where are all of these bigoted, hateful, Christian (I use the term loosely) people coming from?!?! I am a preacher's wife living in the Bible Belt, and I would never treat someone like that. Tell my kids not to play with someone else's kids because they don't got to church!?!? You have got to be kidding me.

 

:grouphug: to you OP. You can come hang out with me and my kids anytime...if you're anywhere close to Houston that is. :D

 

This happens in West TN. The snubbing doesn't just occur because one doesn't go to church at all. It may just as easily occur because someone is of a different denomination. The pp is right, too, about those conversation starters (which might also be, more often than not, conversation enders). So predictable!

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Well yeah, but I thought I had :confused: She made it quite clear this was a open to everyone group. So why the whole what is your home church thing on the questions mean?

 

Most homeschoolers are religious (most PEOPLE are religious) and people ask it. It's a community building tool for the people who participate.

 

I would ask right out. "We don't go to church. I am not married to my children's father. I don't want to make my children or any of yours uncomfortable, so I wanted to be up front right from the start. Are we going to fit into your group?"

 

You might be surprised where you can find good community. Might even be in a religious group.

 

We are the atheists in a Christian homeschool group. It works well most of the time. :)

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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sorry that you have had such a hard time finding a group. I would simply say that attending churh is difficult for your family. I would also simply say your children have not had the opportunity to belong to such a large group before--could they give it a try before officially joining? As to the husband situation--how would they ever know that you haven't had a ceremony? Call him a partner if it makes you feel more comfortable but fill in the job sections and move on.

 

I have a real problem when Christians can not welcome others with grace and kindness. It simply boggles my mind how we ever expect anyone to want to join us . Lately I don't even want to be around some of the "ladies" at my church there is nothing worse then a judgemental Christian. Sorry for the vent.

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I am honestly dumbfounded 99% of the time when threads like this show up here. Where are all of these bigoted, hateful, Christian (I use the term loosely) people coming from?!?! I am a preacher's wife living in the Bible Belt, and I would never treat someone like that. Tell my kids not to play with someone else's kids because they don't got to church!?!? You have got to be kidding me.

 

:grouphug: to you OP. You can come hang out with me and my kids anytime...if you're anywhere close to Houston that is. :D

 

I'm not in the Bible belt and I"ve seen it too. There's one church that is particularly bad. I had one member say to me when I told her I didn't go to that church "Well, why not?!". :confused: And this woman was trying to sell me something! I had one daughter told by her "friends" that they thought she wasn't a Christian because she didn't go to their church (and these were high schoolers - not little kids!). So yeah, it happens.

 

To the OP. I would just ask her. I think the way you have expressed it here is fine. Just tell her you were wondering why the 2nd question about about church when you were told it was a non-religious based group. I would be honest and tell her about your former experiences with your kids and that you don't want a repeat, so you're a bit gun-shy when you see that question.

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I'm one of the organizers of a secular/inclusive group deep in the bible belt, and I know what you're talking about-because it's why we are doing what we're doing!

 

My suggestion for anyone interested in our group-or any group-is to "stalk" the group for awhile. Follow the group on facebook and see what's posted. If the group has an online forum, lurk there (most let you read, just not post, without logging in, and trust me, even the moderators can't see WHO is lurking, only that someone is). Try to talk to a few of the people, especially the more prominent ones, 1-1 in person or online. Perhaps even go to an event, but without children.

 

See if it's likely to be a good fit for you before you jump in, and, especially, before you introduce your kids.

 

Pretty much everyone in my group has been "burned" by another homeschool group somewhere. Some due to religion, some due to homeschooling philosophy, some due to having special needs kids who didn't fit into the group and the group wasn't willing to adapt, some due to being in a virtual school or still having a child in a public school...the list of reasons is endless, but the rejection is the same. And I'm sure there are some people who feel uncomfortable with us-feel uncomfortable because our group meetings tend to be either at a UU church or at a very new-agey sort of coffee shop, and that we tend to be at the extremes in a lot of ways. We're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. And that's fine.

Edited by dmmetler
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This happens in West TN. The snubbing doesn't just occur because one doesn't go to church at all. It may just as easily occur because someone is of a different denomination. The pp is right, too, about those conversation starters (which might also be, more often than not, conversation enders). So predictable!

I spent 20 years of my life in the Bible belt but didn't come across bigoted Christians until I got to Maine.

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Tell people you have a home church?

 

I thought this too. It is a technicality but I'm betting that since you believe you do your praying at home. ;)

 

As for the other, simply hear the words "What does your children's father do" instead of what does your husband do. Then answer the question. No need to pass along too much info at the first meeting.

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:grouphug:

I so hear you. The leader of the ONLY homeschool group lives right up the road....they have meet ups all.the.time. We are not welcome...because we are obviously NOT the right kind of Christian. I am not sure what that means, but...there you have it. This group is a very Gothardesque group....and the kids have been taught not to associate with "outsiders", which I think is ridiculous since Christianity is evangelical in nature. Even my SIL drives past my house to go to this group. it is not just me, because I know others who have been shunned in the same way. It was not until I outright REFUSED to attend a Basic Life Principles seminar that we were shunned and written off....and quite honestly, I am happier now than when I was this groups project. :D

 

I now would rather stay away from any homeschool group and stick to interest groups. My dd likes theater, so she belongs to a theater group. She likes writing, so she joined a writing group for young teens at the library....the boys like to rise their bikes, so I am looking at BMX for them...etc. I would rather join a group with similar interests than similar religious or lifestyle views. I would rather decide whether I like a person or a group than be the object of someone's project. Homeschool groups can be really weird.

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Most homeschoolers are religious (most PEOPLE are religious) and people ask it. It's a community building tool for the people who participate.

 

I would ask right out. "We don't go to church. I am not married to my children's father. I don't want to make my children or any of yours uncomfortable, so I wanted to be up front right from the start. Are we going to fit into your group?"

You might be surprised where you can find good community. Might even be in a religious group.

 

We are the atheists in a Christian homeschool group. It works well most of the time. :)

:iagree:

 

I went through this when we moved to Lancaster, PA. One of the groups was "Christian", but had been run by Anabaptists, till some non-Anabaptists joined...then they all ran off and formed a specifically Anabaptist group. In Southern IL you had to be a certain type of Christian (aka, there were a variety of denominations, but they were all Protestant...Catholics, Orthodox, LDS, JW, Unitarian, etc. NOT welcomed...as one former friend of mine worded it, "they can go form their own group!"). We eventually ended up connecting with a group a county over from us in PA that truly was inclusive.

 

You just need to ask the right questions. Be upfront about who you are and that you don't want to bother with a group if the leader thinks just the basic facts of your life will keep you and yours from fitting in. I would ask about the diversity of the group (do they have non-Christians, people of different faiths, people of various family types, etc).

 

I'm at the beginning of this again. A friend of mine is a member of a couple of different homeschool groups, but I hear "Christian" and I have to ask, "do they mean only Protestant Christians?", because we are no longer Protestants.

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My mom hated this when she moved to the South. Not knowing you in person I can't say this for sure, but I'm guessing their problem with you is not your lack of church so much as you have different social ideas of what is appropriate, so you answer with a little bit of disdain or self-defense; and they are responding to what they perceive as rudeness rather than your church or lack thereof. There are definitely areas in small towns in the bible belt where your husband's job and which church you go to say A LOT about 98% of people who live in the area. You just haven't figured out what those things mean.

 

To start with, don't tell people anything about your religious beliefs. Just say you've had trouble finding a church home because of your son's autism. Don't say anything about your children's dad's issues; just mention he's not really in the picture.

 

I don't know about the home school group; but I do know that where you are right now church is important in social structure and you're doing your best to not fit in. A lot of people who are in your town have some serious doubts about God; they just go to church anyway because that's what people do.

 

If you want to fit in, just ask one of those women for help, in a genuine, non-rude tone. Tell them you can't seem to find a church because of the autism, and see what happens. My guess? 4/6 will at least try to be helpful, if not become a friend.

 

If you absolutely don't want to change yourself in ways to fit in, then by all means move to a city where there are more diverse people.

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Well yeah, but I thought I had :confused: She made it quite clear this was a open to everyone group. So why the whole what is your home church thing on the questions mean?

our group has the same stuff. But they are open to everyone. They put that stuff on the application so that people know where they are coming from. Noone is surprised when we pray over our food or teach the kids religious music because it is a part of the whole thing. Every year they give out a concise statement of faith saying that "We believe in a, b, and c. You are more than welcome to attend even if you don't believe that, but we just want you to be aware of what you and your children will be exposed to when we are together." We have home churchers, Baptists, Jehovah's witnesses, and probably many others of which I am not aware, but we all get together and have a wonderful time anyway.

 

I am so sorry about your experiences with Christians. I don't believe that Jesus wanted it to work that way.

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That makes sense. I know I'd feel very strange to be asked those questions because it's not typical around here and I grew up with the attitude it's not really anyone's business. You don't ask those things until you know someone well, and even then you tread carefully or you still just don't ask. So I could totally see myself getting defensive about it.

 

I don't get defensive when asked. I just answer honestly. I am a single mom and we don't attend church at the moment.

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I have been in this part of the South for more than a year and lived in other parts for several years. In some of those areas, some of the co-ops or homeschool academies had specific place on the application for where you go to church. One of them was fully open to any Christian denomination since we had lots of Catholics attending and I think some Orthodox too. I wouldn't have been surprised at all if some were home church people too but since I don't ask about church membership as a general rule- I might ask if someone is saying something like my church is having a concert and would you like to come?= but otherwise no, I don't ask. Over here, no one has asked us where we go- I would be happy to tell anyone but it hasn't been a topic of conversation at all. My dd must have had some type of conversation about it since she was telling me that some kids in one group probably live near us since they go to church near us.

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:grouphug:

I now would rather stay away from any homeschool group and stick to interest groups. My dd likes theater, so she belongs to a theater group. She likes writing, so she joined a writing group for young teens at the library....the boys like to rise their bikes, so I am looking at BMX for them...etc. I would rather join a group with similar interests than similar religious or lifestyle views. I would rather decide whether I like a person or a group than be the object of someone's project. Homeschool groups can be really weird.

 

I have been struggling with a similar thing, and I really like the point made in the above paragraph.

 

I have found that it's pretty hard to fit into any "lifestyle" homeschool group. And I have to be VERY honest here, my experience is with both Christians and non-Christians. I have felt out of place at both kinds of groups where lifestyles are involved. We actually have non-Christian groups up here, and if you're not an unschooler/non-vaccinator/raw milk drinking whatever I have felt just as judged as with the Christians who think I'm not Christian enough. Joining an interest led group makes a lot of sense to me, thanks for putting it into words for me!

 

Anyway, I would definitely get all the facts before I joined. Their interpretation of "all inclusive" may be different than yours.

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I spent 20 years of my life in the Bible belt but didn't come across bigoted Christians until I got to Maine.

 

It's kind of a culture shock, huh? I've lived many places in the southwest and southeast, but I never encountered anything like this until West TN. I was actually confused when first meeting people with such attitudes. Sorry you found the same attitudes in Maine. Perhaps you have some transplants from here or vice versa?! ; )

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This happens in West TN. The snubbing doesn't just occur because one doesn't go to church at all. It may just as easily occur because someone is of a different denomination. The pp is right, too, about those conversation starters (which might also be, more often than not, conversation enders). So predictable!

 

 

 

same thing in middle TN :iagree: When we moved here, I made the mistake of answering Lutheran :001_smile:

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OK it is final! All of you must move here so we can make our own group! I live on 26 acres ypou guys can get all your houses built right quick,:lol: right?

sorry I live on 43 acres. Dh is not willing to move down in size.

 

And I am sorry about your experience. Sadly, although I love living in the South there are lots of people like that here. Even though I am not one.

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OK I am not anti-religion or anything like that. I have no issue with God or Jesus Christ or anything of a religion nature. That being said, I am not a die hard core church person. I love God! I do not like his fan club. I say this not to insult. I grew up in a Catholic home but sadly the majority of the churches I have ever been in (not just Catholic) and the majority of people I have been around in those places are just not my cup of tea.

 

I could have written this paragraph almost word for word with emphasis on the bolded. I like his "fan club" as individuals for the most part, but not in a group mentality.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I hope you can find your "place".

 

I am so grateful for the park group we have. It is inclusive and not cliquey, at all. We have churchgoers and non-churchgoers, charter schoolers and independent schoolers and possibly unschoolers, several different races/skin colors. Everyone just gets along and visits while the kids play. I will make sure to thank the ladies for being so awesome this afternoon when we go to the park.

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Except for the incident I described in another post (where I was still never asked about my religion or church), I have never been asked about which church I go to or if I'm religious. Never, ever never. Not by homeschoolers or anyone else for that matter.

 

Maybe this is a regional thing? Many people around here aren't that religious or it's more typical that they keep it to themselves.

 

I live in Arizona and it comes up very very quickly. It also came up when I was growing up in Oklahoma and Alaska, but it took a little longer.

 

Most hs groups around here have a statement of faith or ask what church you attend, and some of the ones that don't, you wish they did, because that secular label is really more for patting themselves on the back about how inclusive they are while they wonder why all the non-religious leave.

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:grouphug: I am sooooooooo sorry! We go to a "regular" church and yet, we are not part of any homeschool group because they aren't our cuppa tea either. Seriously, they are so cliquey and the conversations are just bizarre - lots of circular reasoning, lots of gossip, ....

 

I would love to have a secular group of homeschool moms to get together with once in a while and OP, you would be "in" with me. :001_smile:

 

Faith

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I am honestly dumbfounded 99% of the time when threads like this show up here. Where are all of these bigoted, hateful, Christian (I use the term loosely) people coming from?!?! I am a preacher's wife living in the Bible Belt, and I would never treat someone like that. Tell my kids not to play with someone else's kids because they don't got to church!?!? You have got to be kidding me.

 

:grouphug: to you OP. You can come hang out with me and my kids anytime...if you're anywhere close to Houston that is. :D

 

Right. I'm wondering where all these awful people are too. I've only met one or two in all my 50+ years here in the midwest.

 

Both of our homeschool co-ops through the years have been great. In the first during the early years, people tended to be more conservative and sort of bigoted against Catholics, which I confronted head on, by the way (and no, not Catholic). I think it helped a bit, actually.

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Yeah I was nearly done with homeschool groups. I did keep looking and found one that isn't so judgmental. And the crazy thing was that it wasn't at all about religion. It was about style of homeschooling. I attempted to join one group that claimed to be open to everyone and it turned out they were really open only to anyone who was a radical unschooler.

 

You just never know what might be an issue, do you?

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Right. I'm wondering where all these awful people are too. I've only met one or two in all my 50+ years here in the midwest.

 

 

When my old neighbor found out we were godless, she still let her kids play with mine but apparently shared with her son about what she'd learned (the boys were under 10 at the time). I don't know what she said, but i was driving them to the zoo one day and heard Friend ask Son if he was worried about burning up in a lake of fire because he didn't have Jesus in his heart. Friend wasn't worried because he DID have Jesus in his heart.

 

So, we're going to burn in a lake of fire, but until then, I'm a great playdate hostess. :001_huh:

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