AimeeM Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Would you allow your younger sister to visit with her boyfriend - IF you were raising your children to marry before rooming with the opposite sex? If you are fine with your children living with their mate before marriage, this really doesn't apply - unless you can *pretend* you feel otherwise for a minute :D. My younger sister is in grad school and her visits are incredibly limited right now. Because she attends a grad school about 15 hours away, she is only able to visit once or twice a year. I am incredibly close to this sister, even if she is my polar opposite ;). I'm just not sure how to approach this with, especially, my 11 year old daughter who very much looks up to her Auntie and seems abnormally impressionable of late. I should mention that my darling sis doesn't have a good track record with men; it appears she is searching for something and attaches herself to these low life good-for-nothings that see an intelligent, bleeding heart who is going places in life, they latch on, abuse her, and she thinks she can change them, yadda yadda. Regardless, she is one of my favorite people EVER. I have never met this young man and he could be a really great guy, but I'm hesitant just because we usually aren't a "condone by default" kind of family - and I'm afraid that my daughter will see us "fine" with Auntie's male roomie, and feel we are hypocritical in what we are teaching her and her brothers. My husband is concerned as well, even though he is also very close to my sister. Did I mention that I really, REALLY want to see my sister :tongue_smilie:? I was afraid she wouldn't have time to visit since my parents recently moved and I thought she would need to visit them instead (understandably). I may delete this later :glare:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 What will you do if this ends up being "The Guy" for her, but they decide never to marry? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Would they agree to sleeping in different rooms with no night time visits? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Ask them to room separately while at your home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 If she makes poor choices in men, I wouldn't let her stay with a boyfriend, because I wouldn't want a man whom I don't know staying in my house with my children. I would pay for a nice hotel room. As far as the rest... we are pretty honest with our dc about how we feel about choices some of our family members make. We teach them to love them, but understand the error of their choices. We have good an bad examples given in our lives, just as in the Bible, and we discuss, dicuss, discuss so that our dc understand. If they stayed with us, I would put them in different rooms, and we would have a lot of discussion before and after. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelly1730 Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 I wouldn't change my standards for anyone, truthfully. Can you give them separate rooms? They certainly don't have to sleep together while in your home. I would just explain it, as tactfully as possible:tongue_smilie:, to my sister and hope that she would be mature enough to put the kids before herself. Sorry, not very empathetic, I know. I just would be very careful about sending a mixed message. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murmer Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Could you explain to your sister about your impressionable dd and ask them to forgo sharing a room whilst visiting. But both can visit together in their own respective rooms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 I misread the OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 What will you do if this ends up being "The Guy" for her, but they decide never to marry? Great question. I'm not sure. I suppose it's a road we'll cross when we get there? Lol. She knows other people who aren't married, but live together... none have ever stayed with us before though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2_girls_mommy Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 This isn't hard at all. If you are close to your sister, it shouldn't be a problem to explain that you are trying to raise your daughter with certain standards, and that he can stay, but he gets the couch while she gets the spare room, or whatever. Why wouldn't she understand? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 I wouldn't change my standards for anyone, truthfully. Can you give them separate rooms? They certainly don't have to sleep together while in your home. I would just explain it, as tactfully as possible:tongue_smilie:, to my sister and hope that she would be mature enough to put the kids before herself. Sorry, not very empathetic, I know. I just would be very careful about sending a mixed message. Small cottage style home; there is no other room. As it is, sis crashes on the couch or in bed with me (if my husband is out of town on business). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Would you allow your younger sister to visit with her boyfriend - IF you were raising your children to marry before rooming with the opposite sex? If you are fine with your children living with their mate before marriage, this really doesn't apply - unless you can *pretend* you feel otherwise for a minute :D. My younger sister is in grad school and her visits are incredibly limited right now. Because she attends a grad school about 15 hours away, she is only able to visit once or twice a year. I am incredibly close to this sister, even if she is my polar opposite ;). I'm just not sure how to approach this with, especially, my 11 year old daughter who very much looks up to her Auntie and seems abnormally impressionable of late. I should mention that my darling sis doesn't have a good track record with men; it appears she is searching for something and attaches herself to these low life good-for-nothings that see an intelligent, bleeding heart who is going places in life, they latch on, abuse her, and she thinks she can change them, yadda yadda. Regardless, she is one of my favorite people EVER. I have never met this young man and he could be a really great guy, but I'm hesitant just because we usually aren't a "condone by default" kind of family - and I'm afraid that my daughter will see us "fine" with Auntie's male roomie, and feel we are hypocritical in what we are teaching her and her brothers. My husband is concerned as well, even though he is also very close to my sister. Did I mention that I really, REALLY want to see my sister :tongue_smilie:? I was afraid she wouldn't have time to visit since my parents recently moved and I thought she would need to visit them instead (understandably). I may delete this later :glare:. Well, we raise our kids with our worldview on morals and ethics, however, we also teach them not to expect everyone else to make those same choices either. So, the living together part of it, while not a personal fan of it, wouldn't bother me quite as much as the fact that your sister doesn't have good judgment about men. That would be the kicker because I'd be concerned about the kind of man that would be around my kids. So, I'd be inclined to splurge for a hotel room so they can have their privacy and you can have them to the house for meals or to meet off site for excursions. This way you don't have a stranger whose morals you are unsure of sleeping in the house. I don't mean that as an insult to people who are unmarrieds living together. That's not the issue...it's the, "My sister doesn't have the best instincts about boyfriends" that is the issue. Our kids are being raised not to room together unmarried. But, their "honorary sister" is 21 and living with her boyfriend in a very, very committed relationship - ie. the actual marriage license is the only thing lacking and well, she's graduated from college just last weekend so they are talking about "making it official" - committment is not the issue. The boys are around her and her significant other a LOT and they are very capable of understanding that our family may operate on different principles and not be "negatively" influenced by it. But, I will say the boys are 12, almost 14, and 15.5 and so at these ages not only do we have many, many discussions about morals, worldviews, personal principles, etc., but, they are thinking somewhat logically and rhetorically and that helps. Maybe we'd feel differently if this were happening and the kids were still in the grammar stage when they aren't quite capable of making those logical leaps. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 This isn't hard at all. If you are close to your sister, it shouldn't be a problem to explain that you are trying to raise your daughter with certain standards, and that he can stay, but he gets the couch while she gets the spare room, or whatever. Why wouldn't she understand? I'm sure she would understand - but she is my polar opposite on this subject, so I'm not sure how well she would understand. I *think* that, right now, she is very happy and wants to share that with me. I am tempted to put my reservations aside because I am so glad she trusts me enough to want to share this with me (a new boyfriend, excited about graduating, etc). She has come a LONG way in the past 5 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Would you allow your younger sister to visit with her boyfriend - IF you were raising your children to marry before rooming with the opposite sex? Allow her to visit, yes. Allow them to room together, no. It would be a "my house, my rules" kind of thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 Well, we raise our kids with our worldview on morals and ethics, however, we also teach them not to expect everyone else to make those same choices either. So, the living together part of it, while not a personal fan of it, wouldn't bother me quite as much as the fact that your sister doesn't have good judgment about men. That would be the kicker because I'd be concerned about the kind of man that would be around my kids. So, I'd be inclined to splurge for a hotel room so they can have their privacy and you can have them to the house for meals or to meet off site for excursions. This way you don't have a stranger whose morals you are unsure of sleeping in the house. I don't mean that as an insult to people who are unmarrieds living together. That's not the issue...it's the, "My sister doesn't have the best instincts about boyfriends" that is the issue. Our kids are being raised not to room together unmarried. But, their "honorary sister" is 21 and living with her boyfriend in a very, very committed relationship - ie. the actual marriage license is the only thing lacking and well, she's graduated from college just last weekend so they are talking about "making it official" - committment is not the issue. The boys are around her and her significant other a LOT and they are very capable of understanding that our family may operate on different principles and not be "negatively" influenced by it. But, I will say the boys are 12, almost 14, and 15.5 and so at these ages not only do we have many, many discussions about morals, worldviews, personal principles, etc., but, they are thinking somewhat logically and rhetorically and that helps. Maybe we'd feel differently if this were happening and the kids were still in the grammar stage when they aren't quite capable of making those logical leaps. Faith I will bring up the idea of a hotel room to my dh. On that note, I may also drop a note to my aunt (who lives where my sister attends school) and ask if she knows anything of the boyfriend. It seems a bit sneaky to me, but given her past with boys, I think it will be understood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 No, I wouldn't, and I've declined in the past. (Conservative Christian here.) When my kids were little, my dad visited with his (latest) girlfriend. When he wanted to bring his next girlfriend the next time, I requested they stay in a hotel, and they did. They later married. My kids were so little the first time that they wouldn't have known any differently, but I did not want to get in the pattern of him bringing his latest each time. My sister planned to visit with her bf, and I also declined to have them stay at our house. She ended up choosing not to visit. Unfortunately, it had a negative and long lasting effect on our relationship. My mom lives with her boyfriend. However, they've lived together for 30 years. Their relationship is obviously more permanent, I don't have to consider a pattern of different men that she'd be visiting with. Her "bf" is truly a part of our family, and a very real grandpa to my kids. My kids know why we believe people should be married, but it would serve no purpose to have them stay elsewhere. It was also more important to me when my kids were younger and more impressionable but too young to discuss situations like is in depth. They are 14 and 17 now, and while I don't think we'd be having unmarried couples staying at our house, honestly, my mom and her "bf" don't quite fall into that category. If I were in your situation, I'd request they stayelsewhere. It IS hard; you just have to decide what your priorities are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 BTDT Tell her they are welcome to stay but they will need to sleep in seperate rooms. Or if you dont have enough rooms she could sleep in a bedroom and he can sleep on the couch. You may get some strange looks but I tell them that we have been talking to the kids lately about how important it is to stay pure before marriage and you do not want to give them mixed signals by letting them room together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 :grouphug: I'd speak to my sister ahead of time and express my concerns and my wishes for my home. Then, I'd put dd/ds on a pallet in the floor in my room, sister in dd's bed and bf on the couch. You have no control over whether they abide by your wishes or not, but at least dd is in your room and you have control over the person you *should* have control over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ApronMama Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Maybe everyone has a big slumber party in the living room? :lol: I think there is a big difference between offering them a private guest suite and her taking the couch and him the floor in your living room. If its a pull out double bed, I'd say no to that, but if she is on the couch and he is on the floor, I would be ok with it. What is more important is how you handle it with your daughter. Discuss it, but don't make a huge deal out of it. When I was 9, my grandpa moved in with his girlfriend, who became a real grandmother to me over time. My dad clearly stated to me our values and the reasons for them, but made our relationship with them more important. I chose to keep our family's standards before I was married despite the "influence" of my grandparents. See this as an opportunity to teach. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Have them visit, but stay in separate bedrooms. That is what I would do. Surely she can understand? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Yes. Absolutely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lulubelle Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 I see it as choosing the right thing for your daughter, not your sister. Your daughter is impressionable and I think your sister would understand if they sleep in separate areas. Totally reasonable request regardless of belief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 (edited) Small cottage style home; there is no other room. As it is, sis crashes on the couch or in bed with me (if my husband is out of town on business). I would not have a problem, but I respect that you do, however. Yet given what you say re house size, wouldn't they both be in the living room? Do you have two sofas? They couldn't possibly sleep together on one, could they? Two people in living room, one sleeping on each sofa, or one on the sofa and one on the floor, could simply be called 'camping out' for the sake of the kids. Even I might say (with a smile) something like, "Be careful. DC could walk in anytime!" Edited August 28, 2012 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Be honest with your sister. Explain why and stick to your guns; do not feel guilty for having standards for your family/children. Raising your daughter is more important. eta: could your sister sleep on your dd's floor while bf sleeps on the couch? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 I would not have a problem, but I respect that you do, however. Yet given what you say house size, wouldn't they both be in the living room? Do you have two sofas? They couldn't possibly sleep together on one, could they? Sleeping on the floor of the living room could simply be called 'camping out' to the kids. We do have two sofas. Generally, my daughter likes to sleep in the living room with her auntie, but we could rearrange to have sis and her SO sleep on the sofas. This becomes less of an issue if my husband is out of town. My sister would sleep with me (like she usually does) and boyfriend can take the couch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 Maybe everyone has a big slumber party in the living room? :lol: I think there is a big difference between offering them a private guest suite and her taking the couch and him the floor in your living room. If its a pull out double bed, I'd say no to that, but if she is on the couch and he is on the floor, I would be ok with it. What is more important is how you handle it with your daughter. Discuss it, but don't make a huge deal out of it. When I was 9, my grandpa moved in with his girlfriend, who became a real grandmother to me over time. My dad clearly stated to me our values and the reasons for them, but made our relationship with them more important. I chose to keep our family's standards before I was married despite the "influence" of my grandparents. See this as an opportunity to teach. If I knew the guy, I would probably stick my daughter in there with them as a... deterrent :lol:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Sure, have your sister visit. And have separate sleeping arrangements for her and her boyfriend. If they want to share a room, they can get a hotel and not do it in your house. My husband and I visited old family friends of theirs while dating. We slept in separate bedrooms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Yes, I would. I would explain to my children that not all people share our view, and although you don't agree with her choice you still love her. Even if it weren't your sister, there are plenty of other people making those choices. At some point, kids need to reconcile the reality around them with the values you are teaching. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Peach Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Yes, I would. I would explain to my children that not all people share our view, and although you don't agree with her choice you still love her. Even if it weren't your sister, there are plenty of other people making those choices. At some point, kids need to reconcile the reality around them with the values you are teaching. :iagree: Although, I would only explain to my DD if I were asked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 is boyfriend likely to become bil at some point? I would allow him to come, but let them both know before hand they will be placed in seperate rooms and you expect them to honor the rules in your home as an example to chidlren. and if it means you place your sister with your daughters and her boyfriend with your sons, well, they will keep them seperate at night . . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Be honest with your sister. Explain why and stick to your guns; do not feel guilty for having standards for your family/children. Raising your daughter is more important. eta: could your sister sleep on your dd's floor while bf sleeps on the couch? How about "different standards." Sorry it bugs me to no end when people say "I have standards/morals" as if the other person doesn't and therefore is less than. More than likely the other person does, but they are different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 I think people should get married (or be engaged for reals, not the "we're planning to someday get married" type of engagement, or have made a long-term commitment to one another if they are opposed to civil marriage/denied that right) before they move in together. I think you would be spiting your sister and teaching your children a very clear lesson if you refuse to allow your sister and her bf to visit. That lesson would be: when we don't approve of other people's choices, we reject them and stay away from them. Children are not so fragile that they can't see that different people have different morals. They are not so naive that they would see you as hypocritical for allowing your sister to visit while still holding the belief that premarital cohabitation is not a good idea. I would never refuse to allow a family member to visit just because I didn't like their 15-hours-away living arrangement. And really, why do your kids need to know that Auntie lives with her bf? When people take trips together, they usually stay in the same place, whether they are married or not. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 is boyfriend likely to become bil at some point? I would allow him to come, but let them both know before hand they will be placed in seperate rooms and you expect them to honor the rules in your home as an example to chidlren. and if it means you place your sister with your daughters and her boyfriend with your sons, well, they will keep them seperate at night . . . . No clue how serious the relationship is - they've only been seeing eachother a month or so. I can put my sister with my daughter, but I'm uncomfortable placing her boyfriend with my older son since I have never met the boyfriend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 How about "different standards." Sorry it bugs me to no end when people say "I have standards/morals" as if the other person doesn't and therefore is less than. More than likely the other person does, but they are different. Agreed. While my sister's standards are different from my own, she is a wonderful girl and really a great influence who has turned her life around in a big way. I would be thrilled if my daughter turned out to be like her (minus the boyfriend issues). I do NOT want my daughter exposed to someone I do not know, and I hesitate to allow her to think this is okay, but I certainly do not want her to think her auntie is a bad person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 I think people should get married (or be engaged for reals, not the "we're planning to someday get married" type of engagement, or have made a long-term commitment to one another if they are opposed to civil marriage/denied that right) before they move in together. I think you would be spiting your sister and teaching your children a very clear lesson if you refuse to allow your sister and her bf to visit. That lesson would be: when we don't approve of other people's choices, we reject them and stay away from them. Children are not so fragile that they can't see that different people have different morals. They are not so naive that they would see you as hypocritical for allowing your sister to visit while still holding the belief that premarital cohabitation is not a good idea. I would never refuse to allow a family member to visit just because I didn't like their 15-hours-away living arrangement. And really, why do your kids need to know that Auntie lives with her bf? When people take trips together, they usually stay in the same place, whether they are married or not. Tara Good point. Actually, they aren't living together. I think they just want to spend time together before she starts full force in her last semester at school (when she will no longer have much time to socialize). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 How about "different standards." Sorry it bugs me to no end when people say "I have standards/morals" as if the other person doesn't and therefore is less than. More than likely the other person does, but they are different. I feel the exact same way. I would only have someone stay in my house if I was ok with their practices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 On a different page about boyfriends, house is too small for guests unless they are in the family's intimate spaces, desperate to see your sister anyway... seems to me a nearby hotel would solve all of these problems. It's what I do. I finally faced up to the fact that my house is too small for overnight company, anyway, except for the kids' grandparents. We have a small, charming, affordable hotel up the road and around the corner. It's within walking distance of my house, and it's where all my overnight guests stay. They just sleep there. They come here for breakfast, and this is headquarters for the duration of their visit, but they get a good night's sleep and I don't have to worry about who sleeps where or with whom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Yup, I'd share that I have two perfect spots for them! :) I'd have one stay in one room... and one in the other. What they choose to do under the radar would be their business, but I'd hope they could respect my values for the days they were there... I'd probably say it in a gentle way, "I know that sometimes we don't make the choices we had hoped to when we were young, but I'm hoping that (your daughter's name) will choose to date and get married before living with the man. With that in mind, you're welcome to stay with us as singles... or I'm more than happy to give you some hotel spots nearby. We're SO excited to see you and can't wait to see you." Or... "You know how important you are as a role model of "Katie's"... and that we're praying she will wait till she's married to live with her husband. Since you're someone she looks up to, how do you think we can make these two things come in line. (not living together and you staying with us while you're here) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 You can raise them however you feel is right, but they are going to do what they want when they're adults anyway. I think it's better to expose them to it and use it is a jumping point to discuss why you would rather them make a different decision when they are adults. I would explain to them that while you don't condone the practice, your sister is an adult and it is her choice. Believe me -- it's not the only time they're going to see other people choosing to live with someone or sleep with someone before marriage. Just saying, "No, no, no," without really talking about it (including the fact that many, many people do choose to sleep/live together before marriage) doesn't tell your kids why you think it's wrong. Showing that you love and accept your sisters despite her decisions is setting a healthier example. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 I haven't read most of the other posts, but you said your sister has bad judgement when it comes to men and you're going to let a man you've never met before, with her choosing track record, stay overnight in the same house as your young daughter? That's a "no" for me. No offense to your sister, but you used the word "abuse" when you described her other boyfriends. Now she may have finally found a nice guy, but I wouldn't take the chance. Maybe nothing would happen, maybe something horrible could happen. I personally wouldn't take the risk. He can stay at a hotel or sleep in his car. Period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 My sister planned to visit with her bf, and I also declined to have them stay at our house. She ended up choosing not to visit. Unfortunately, it had a negative and long lasting effect on our relationship. Do you feel it was worth it? Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 It sounds like your house is fairly small if they would be rooming with one of your children. Also she's only known him for a month? They need to get a hotel room. He qualifies as a stranger and I wouldn't want him staying in my house. ETA: To your sister, I would just say that the house is too small to fit everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 My views are this - 1) she's and adult and can make her own choices 2) 2our family, your rules. We found this GREAT book a few years ago titled "There is No Such Thing as a Hanukkah Bush, Sandy Goldstein". It's about how different people in a family celebrate their Jewishness and how each way for is okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 (edited) Wouldn't allow it. Sorry. Tell her to leave him at home. Or they don't bunk together at your place. FWIW my sister is like yours. When four year old ds and I visited her she had her live in stay with friends. I was blown away by her respect for my values. Doesn't sound like your sister even knows him. Edited August 28, 2012 by Remudamom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Honestly, the fact that they are intimate before married is bothering me less than the fact that she's only known him a month and you've never met him, combined with her history of poor choices. If this were a long term boyfriend and they hadn't gotten married yet, I think it would be an excellent opportunity to explain to your daughter that people have different lives and make different choices, however, in our house we expect... whatever you expect. The fact that you don't know him or his history at all, and have young children... well, that would make me personally uncomfortable. I would book them a hotel room and mention that the house is just so small, they'll probably be more comfortable there, and you can't wait to spend a lot of time with Sis and get to know "Joe" better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted August 28, 2012 Share Posted August 28, 2012 Dh and I were on the other side of this:- we were living together (and he wa in his late 20s) and his mother made us sleep in separate rooms. I found it incredibly insulting. On the other hand, my mother did not make an issue of it - guess where we visited again? I understood my mother's values and would never have behaved in a way that would upset her in her own home. We both behaved with mutual respect. Oh, and dh and I slept in the lounge which might have been the perfect solution... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 I'd be worried about my kids in the home with a man that you don't know at all given what you've described about her past choices. I would want my kids rooming with hubby and/or myself I think however else you configure things. Can you do a hotel? I like that option best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 No I wouldn't allow it. My younger brother had a baby with his girlfriend when he was 16. He wanted to come visit and bring them both (the gf and the baby). We told him that we weren't comfortable with it unless they slept in separate rooms. Our children know that other people make choices that are different from what we are teaching them is right, but we won't have it in our house. Other things prevented my brother from visiting, but I talked to him about it and he understood even though he didn't agree with me. He was going to either sleep separately or get a hotel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 I agree with others as well that I'd also be very hesitant in allowing a man I had never met to stay overnight in my home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 (edited) Maybe you can have the kids camp out in your room for a couple of days. It would give the illusion of one of the couple sleeping on the sofa, and one sleeping in a kid bed. This way, you would not have to worry about him. Your kids would be with you. I just hate to see families argue and be divided forever. If she is OK with the hotel, or sleeping apart, and it won't damage your relationship, fine. Check with her. Ask her. My sisters are part of my life blood. I never want them to be angry (for too long lol), or cut me out of their lives. Nobody quite knows me as well as my sisters do. We've had arguments (big ones), in the past, but we always kiss and make-up, and I am grateful! I lurve my sisters. This would not be my hill to die on, especially since the children can be protected. Edited August 29, 2012 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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