Kiddo wants to know why girls dress the way they do...

[kalanamak]

Specifically with their cleavage or tummies showing.

 

What would you say to a 10 year old boy without sisters?

[Caitilin]

I think I would tell him that the girls are trying to look pretty, but maybe don't know how to do it right. Depending on circs, I might say something like "girls sometimes dress like that because they think being attractive/sexy is the only value they have." :grouphug:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

"Because they like to. Girls of that age usually dress themselves, so just like you, they wear what they want."

 

Seriously. That's all I've ever said to a little boy who asks that. If it seems appropriate to do so, I will remind them that it's not nice to stare at people's bodies, generally, and that when we talk with other people we look at their faces, not their boobs.

[Luanne]

... that women and girls make it VERY difficult for people to just look at their faces. It is like they want people to look at them. I don't see any other reason in dressing like they do.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I would say, "People usually dress in a way that makes them feel attractive and draws attention to what they think are their best features. People disagree about what is appropriate and what isn't. What do you think?"

 

If something is very objectionable, I will invariably say, "Well, you know that's not my favorite." :tongue_smilie:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

... that women and girls make it VERY difficult for people to just look at their faces. It is like they want people to look at them. I don't see any other reason in dressing like they do.

 

I don't, either. In fact I'm very opinionated and more than a little judgmental about people who dress trashy. I don't like it at all.

 

I'm just far more concerned with my own children. It's best, IMVHO, to start little boys off with the idea that they are to treat all women and girls with respect, and also with the idea that they are not to interpret attire (or lack thereof) as any sort of general invitation to the public to think or do anything. Little boys who are curious and somewhat shocked today will very soon be big boys and men of the world who need to navigate through life without being offended or offending. They'll need to be safe for women and girls to be around, no matter what, and a firm code of respect for all females goes a long way in growing that type of young man.

 

If I tell my son that the girl doesn't care about herself and only wants people to think she's s*xy, I have devalued that young girl, who I don't even know, in my impressionable son's estimation. Of course he will then begin to imitate me, categorizing the character and intent of girls based solely on their appearance. That would be a bad thing.

 

If I want to shape his opinion in favor of modest girls in modest clothing (and with modest behavior, or what's the point), I can model what I think is appropriate for the female of the species. I can point out decent clothing in shops and say I like it because it is pretty while covering everything. I can admire women and girls who are modestly clothed. Positives, not negatives. Just admiring, not comparing.

 

I don't know how good my theories are. My four sons are not fully grown yet. I do like how my teen sons behave toward women and girls, so I'm teaching their little brothers the same way I taught them.

Edited August 26, 2012 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Caitilin]

Well, in honesty, none of my children, male or female, has ever asked me anything of the kind about anyone's clothing. In actual fact, I have done things such as Tibbie describes herself doing: admiring clothes I consider appropriate, commenting on appropriately dressed and behaved people, etc. :001_smile:

[Miss Peregrine]

We,, I usually just say that they want attention. Tibbie's response is much more mature and how I probably should respond. I am going to work on that.

[momma aimee]

I think I would tell him that the girls are trying to look pretty, but maybe don't know how to do it right. Depending on circs, I might say something like "girls sometimes dress like that because they think being attractive/sexy is the only value they have." :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

or "sometimes girls THINK that is how they have to dress to get attention or be liked. they are wrong; but they have never been taught to respect their bodies and expect respect"

[Julie in CA]

If I tell her that the girl doesn't care about herself and only wants people to think she's s*xy, I have devalued that young girl, who I don't even know, in my impressionable son's estimation.

I disagree strongly. They've devalued themselves.

With that said, I've taught my boys to show respect for women, even those that don't appear to have much respect for themselves. It's very sad when young women believe that their best feature is their cleavage, and my instinct is to pity, not revile or denigrate.

[LibraryLover]

ETA: I like Tibbie's answer better. :)

 

He's only 10.

Edited August 27, 2012 by LibraryLover

[kalanamak]

 

He's only 10.

 

:lol: And I think: He's already ten!!!

[kitten18]

"Because they like to. Girls of that age usually dress themselves, so just like you, they wear what they want."

 

Seriously. That's all I've ever said to a little boy who asks that. If it seems appropriate to do so, I will remind them that it's not nice to stare at people's bodies, generally, and that when we talk with other people we look at their faces, not their boobs.

Sounds great to me.

[LibraryLover]

double post

Edited June 30, 2013 by LibraryLover

[Barb_]

:lol: And I think: He's already ten!!!

 

Don't we all when it's our own kids doing the talking? Lol

[LibraryLover]

:lol: And I think: He's already ten!!!

 

 

10 is not 14. At 12, 13, 14, if he is straight, he will look at boobs, no matter what is covering them. And if he is not straight, he might start thinking about "What Not to Wear", and become a designer.

Edited August 26, 2012 by LibraryLover

[kalanamak]

10 is not 14.

 

I'd rather have this discussion at 10 than 14.

 

When we are out in the public, especially in the car where he won't be overheard, kiddo asks me incessantly about motives for behavior, dress, style of car, etc. etc. etc. Yesterday we drove past a teen in sweats with PINK across her rear, a skimpy crop-top and a hefty "muffin" on top. I could tell by his question he'd been wondering for awhile, but had been too shy to ask-- until this person was so "out there" he couldn't contain himself any longer.

[sparrow]

10 is not 14. At 12, 13, 14, if he is straight, he will look at boobs, no matter what is covering them. And if he is not straight, he might start thinking about "What Not to Wear", and become a designer.

 

From what I hear from gay friends, he may still look at boobs. They are endlessly interesting, even to those that aren't "interested" :D.

[LibraryLover]

From what I hear from gay friends, he may still look at boobs. They are endlessly interesting, even to those that aren't "interested" :D.

 

 

Yep. I pretty much meant that. :)

[Alte Veste Academy]

I'd rather have this discussion at 10 than 14.

 

Oh, for sure! I think sometimes that if these conversations aren't initiated at an age that predates (a) mortification or (b) that magical point where your mom and dad become idiots :tongue_smilie:, they might never happen at all. And what a shame that would be!

 

When we are out in the public, especially in the car where he won't be overheard, kiddo asks me incessantly about motives for behavior, dress, style of car, etc. etc. etc. Yesterday we drove past a teen in sweats with PINK across her rear, a skimpy crop-top and a hefty "muffin" on top. I could tell by his question he'd been wondering for awhile, but had been too shy to ask-- until this person was so "out there" he couldn't contain himself any longer.

 

So sweet. :)

[LibraryLover]

I'd rather have this discussion at 10 than 14.

 

.

 

 

Of course you would. We should, I think.:)

Parenting is always interesting.

Edited August 28, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Susan C.]

To answer OP, we joke about too low tops, or too short, by saying they must have run out of fabric.... As to why they would wear such things, no one can answer that!

[Slartibartfast]

"Because they like to. Girls of that age usually dress themselves, so just like you, they wear what they want."

 

 

 

:iagree:

[katilac]

"Because they like to. Girls of that age usually dress themselves, so just like you, they wear what they want."

 

I kind of love you right now.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I kind of love you right now.

 

:001_wub: I'm in the boy-raising trenches, kat! Keep calm and carry on, that's my motto.

[Farmgirl70]

I love the OPs gracious response. I used to feel more judgmental about this, but after my daughter and her friends being in their teens, I have a bit more grace. My dd would not want to be immodest, but sometimes it is hard for especially a young teen to keep up with how her body is changing and get used to it. We tried to gently guide her when she made mistakes in her dress, but they were mistakes on her part. Not every girl has parents who feel equipped to guide those conversations and not everyone agrees on what appropriate dress is. I think most girls also go through a time when they are not aware how the style they are choosing comes off on their new body. It's not easy to grow up. Thanks for giving your son a compassionate response and for emphasizing his role in respecting girls. They're all learning.

[8circles]

I don't, either. In fact I'm very opinionated and more than a little judgmental about people who dress trashy. I don't like it at all.

 

I'm just far more concerned with my own children. It's best, IMVHO, to start little boys off with the idea that they are to treat all women and girls with respect, and also with the idea that they are not to interpret attire (or lack thereof) as any sort of general invitation to the public to think or do anything. Little boys who are curious and somewhat shocked today will very soon be big boys and men of the world who need to navigate through life without being offended or offending. They'll need to be safe for women and girls to be around, no matter what, and a firm code of respect for all females goes a long way in growing that type of young man.

 

If I tell my son that the girl doesn't care about herself and only wants people to think she's s*xy, I have devalued that young girl, who I don't even know, in my impressionable son's estimation. Of course he will then begin to imitate me, categorizing the character and intent of girls based solely on their appearance. That would be a bad thing.

 

If I want to shape his opinion in favor of modest girls in modest clothing (and with modest behavior, or what's the point), I can model what I think is appropriate for the female of the species. I can point out decent clothing in shops and say I like it because it is pretty while covering everything. I can admire women and girls who are modestly clothed. Positives, not negatives. Just admiring, not comparing.

 

I don't know how good my theories are. My four sons are not fully grown yet. I do like how my teen sons behave toward women and girls, so I'm teaching their little brothers the same way I taught them.

 

I couldn't agree more. You need to write a book about parenting boys.

[NanceXToo]

"Because they like to. Girls of that age usually dress themselves, so just like you, they wear what they want."

 

Seriously. That's all I've ever said to a little boy who asks that. If it seems appropriate to do so, I will remind them that it's not nice to stare at people's bodies, generally, and that when we talk with other people we look at their faces, not their boobs.

 

:iagree: My favorite response of the thread!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

"Because they like to. Girls of that age usually dress themselves, so just like you, they wear what they want."

 

Seriously. That's all I've ever said to a little boy who asks that. If it seems appropriate to do so, I will remind them that it's not nice to stare at people's bodies, generally, and that when we talk with other people we look at their faces, not their boobs.

 

Love it! I wish i were able to use this. My son just decided to tell girls and women that he sees their "boob crack."

[Maus]

Mine hasn't asked yet, but he's turning 10 in 2 months, so...

 

I'm planning to say something along the lines of, "Most girls and some women dress the way they do because they think it is "in" and fashionable and they want the other "in" and fashionable women to be friends with them. They don't completely realize that the boys/men giving them attention aren't doing it because their new top is so "cute and fashionable," but they like the attention, so they keep wearing it."

[Perry]

I kind of love you right now.

Me too.

[justLisa]

What Tibbie said.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Tibbie, you need a blog, or a book, or something. You are one of the wisest women I've ever "met."

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Tibbie, you need a blog, or a book, or something. You are one of the wisest women I've ever "met."

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

When are you staying with me? I could really use a wise woman's help! Lol :D

[Mrs Mungo]

"Because they like to. Girls of that age usually dress themselves, so just like you, they wear what they want."

 

Seriously. That's all I've ever said to a little boy who asks that. If it seems appropriate to do so, I will remind them that it's not nice to stare at people's bodies, generally, and that when we talk with other people we look at their faces, not their boobs.

 

Amen, sister.

[Murphy101]

I really loathe the spin most of these replies puts on the whole thing. Thank goodness for Tibbie.

 

:iagree:

 

Tho my first knee jerk reaction was, "Cause it's hot outside."

 

I'm a simple woman.;)

 

But take my reaction with a grain of salt. I'm also the mom who heard her teen son say over the phone to his buddy, "Dude. Get over it. They're just boobs. My mom shows her's all the time. It's really not all that exciting. It's not like getting a rare Heroclix character or something. Hey, does she play Heroclix? Now having a new player join - that'd be something to get excited about!"

 

Apparently his buddy was commenting that his new female friend who he hopes will become a girlfriend is smart and stacked and ds was tired of hearing about it.

 

Heroclix and D&D. Never worry about birth control.:lol:

 

ETA: guess I should note that I'm only showing my books when nursing. ;p and yeah, the little guy is always nursing it seems.

[Plucky]

I love the OPs gracious response. I used to feel more judgmental about this, but after my daughter and her friends being in their teens, I have a bit more grace. My dd would not want to be immodest, but sometimes it is hard for especially a young teen to keep up with how her body is changing and get used to it. We tried to gently guide her when she made mistakes in her dress, but they were mistakes on her part. Not every girl has parents who feel equipped to guide those conversations and not everyone agrees on what appropriate dress is. I think most girls also go through a time when they are not aware how the style they are choosing comes off on their new body. It's not easy to grow up. Thanks for giving your son a compassionate response and for emphasizing his role in respecting girls. They're all learning.

 

Exactly, my 12dd who plays with dolls and stuffed animals everyday has a woman's body. She wears regular jeans, shorts and t-shirts and grown men look her way. She wears no makeup and is still a little kid, but she's tall, long-legged and beautiful. She keeps her hair short and I encourage it. I feel like I would have to dress the girl in sackcloth, but I won't do that to her.

[PeacefulChaos]

From what I hear from gay friends, he may still look at boobs. They are endlessly interesting, even to those that aren't "interested" :D.

 

But why?! Why on EARTH are they so INTERESTING???!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Princess Peach]

"Because they like to. Girls of that age usually dress themselves, so just like you, they wear what they want."

 

Seriously. That's all I've ever said to a little boy who asks that. If it seems appropriate to do so, I will remind them that it's not nice to stare at people's bodies, generally, and that when we talk with other people we look at their faces, not their boobs.

 

:iagree: I see no reason to attach a value judgement onto it.

[Jenny in Florida]

"Because they like to. Girls of that age usually dress themselves, so just like you, they wear what they want."

 

Yep, it's not my job to psychoanalyze every skimpily dressed woman we pass on the street. Nor do I think it's "wrong" to dress one way or another or believe that girls who bare a midriff as necessarily crying out for attention to make up for their poor self-esteem.

 

Sometimes, they just like the way they look.

 

If my son asked, I'd shrug and tell him I didn't know the girl, but she probably liked the outfit. No big deal.

[Jenny in Florida]

But take my reaction with a grain of salt. I'm also the mom who heard her teen son say over the phone to his buddy, "Dude. Get over it. They're just boobs. My mom shows her's all the time. It's really not all that exciting. It's not like getting a rare Heroclix character or something. Hey, does she play Heroclix? Now having a new player join - that'd be something to get excited about!"

 

This made me giggle. Between doing lots of theatre and having a sister who isn't especially shy, my son has seen more than his share of women's flesh over the last several years. I love your son's response!

[Rivka]

I'm just far more concerned with my own children. It's best, IMVHO, to start little boys off with the idea that they are to treat all women and girls with respect, and also with the idea that they are not to interpret attire (or lack thereof) as any sort of general invitation to the public to think or do anything. Little boys who are curious and somewhat shocked today will very soon be big boys and men of the world who need to navigate through life without being offended or offending. They'll need to be safe for women and girls to be around, no matter what, and a firm code of respect for all females goes a long way in growing that type of young man.

 

If I tell my son that the girl doesn't care about herself and only wants people to think she's s*xy, I have devalued that young girl, who I don't even know, in my impressionable son's estimation. Of course he will then begin to imitate me, categorizing the character and intent of girls based solely on their appearance. That would be a bad thing.

 

Tibbie for President!

 

...Wait, is posting something political like that going to get me banned? :tongue_smilie:

[KungFuPanda]

"I'm afraid of what the Hive will think about my outfit."

 

 

"The Hive is air-conditioned. Their votes don't count."

 

 

"Haters gonna hate."

 

Edited August 27, 2012 by KungFuPanda

[Rebel Yell]

"Because they like to. Girls of that age usually dress themselves, so just like you, they wear what they want."

 

Seriously. That's all I've ever said to a little boy who asks that. If it seems appropriate to do so, I will remind them that it's not nice to stare at people's bodies, generally, and that when we talk with other people we look at their faces, not their boobs.

:iagree:

 

I love the OPs gracious response. I used to feel more judgmental about this, but after my daughter and her friends being in their teens, I have a bit more grace. My dd would not want to be immodest, but sometimes it is hard for especially a young teen to keep up with how her body is changing and get used to it. We tried to gently guide her when she made mistakes in her dress, but they were mistakes on her part. Not every girl has parents who feel equipped to guide those conversations and not everyone agrees on what appropriate dress is. I think most girls also go through a time when they are not aware how the style they are choosing comes off on their new body. It's not easy to grow up. Thanks for giving your son a compassionate response and for emphasizing his role in respecting girls. They're all learning.

:iagree:

 

:iagree:

 

Tho my first knee jerk reaction was, "Cause it's hot outside."

 

I'm a simple woman.;)

 

But take my reaction with a grain of salt. I'm also the mom who heard her teen son say over the phone to his buddy, "Dude. Get over it. They're just boobs. My mom shows her's all the time. It's really not all that exciting. It's not like getting a rare Heroclix character or something. Hey, does she play Heroclix? Now having a new player join - that'd be something to get excited about!"

 

Apparently his buddy was commenting that his new female friend who he hopes will become a girlfriend is smart and stacked and ds was tired of hearing about it.

 

Heroclix and D&D. Never worry about birth control.:lol:

 

ETA: guess I should note that I'm only showing my books when nursing. ;p and yeah, the little guy is always nursing it seems.

 

:DMy girls all play heroclix.

 

Yep, it's not my job to psychoanalyze every skimpily dressed woman we pass on the street. Nor do I think it's "wrong" to dress one way or another or believe that girls who bare a midriff as necessarily crying out for attention to make up for their poor self-esteem.

 

Sometimes, they just like the way they look.

 

If my son asked, I'd shrug and tell him I didn't know the girl, but she probably liked the outfit. No big deal.

:iagree:100million%

 

Not everybody dresses thinking about modesty- as in, it;s not part of their culture/religion/family ways, so they just got dressed. I don't knwo hwe to explain it... but a "regular" girl wearing shorty-shorts and a short halter-top might just be wearing what's in her closet... not thinking about it at all like a "modest church girl" might think about layering 6 shirts and leggings so she is covered from every possible angle in every possible situation.

 

If you're going to tell your sons that girls dressed a certain way are trashy or whatever, make sure you also let him know that even girls covered from neck to ankle are sinners, too... and are fully capable of trashy behavior. The outside appearance is not a guarantee of the inside/heart of a person.

[Lisbeth]

:lurk5: This thread is so revealing...no pun intended. Funny how we mustn't be judgemental of skimpy dress but modest girls are discussed with condescension. Hopefully if you profess tolerance it surely must go both ways?!

Anyway, we teach modesty for our boys AND girls.

[kalanamak]

Funny how we mustn't be judgemental of skimpy dress but modest girls are discussed with condescension.

 

I missed that. Where did you see that? (Sincere question.)

[Mrs Mungo]

I missed that. Where did you see that? (Sincere question.)

 

:bigear:

[Murphy101]

I missed that. Where did you see that? (Sincere question.)

 

I missed it too.

[LostSurprise]

I'm afraid I'm not with Tibbie. Throw tomatoes if you must. ;)

 

For one thing, if a 10 year old comments about it we're not talking about a slightly immodest outfit. We're generally talking about an all-out-there, what-the-heck kind of outfit. Its a worthy question.

 

I think 10-13 is a good time to talk about how different people start to express romantic/sexual interest, how to treat people, and how to be aware of people who may be struggling with the balance between self-respect and healthy sexuality.

 

I see it more as a conversation opener (and with 4 boys its opened up a few conversations which segued into gender differences, dating, girls at school, etc.). With Tibbie's response it seems like the entire situation, what they're curious about, is condensed into 'mind your own business.' Its not going to go away.

 

In the past I've said, 'girls do that for a lot of reasons. Maybe that's the clothing she has or she's grown. Maybe that's how her family dresses. Maybe she sees that's how women dress in the magazines and ads. She may think dressing like that makes her 'beautiful.' Models dress that way. Or maybe she notices that when she dresses that way she gets attention from boys and she likes attention. What do you think? What do you think you should do when girls dress that way? How should you treat them? How much does dressing like that matter?' etc. etc. Generally I just add the questions depending on what they're talking about. Its their conversation. I'm just helping them get the thoughts out and reinforcing respect and compassion.

[Murphy101]

I see it more as a conversation opener (and with 4 boys its opened up a few conversations which segued into gender differences, dating, girls at school, etc.). With Tibbie's response it seems like the entire situation, what they're curious about, is condensed into 'mind your own business.' Its not going to go away.

 

 

I just have a different perspective. :)

 

One, yes it does boil down to they need to mind their own business because women and women's bodies aren't going away.

 

Two, the truth is I have absolutely no idea why the girl is dressing that way. Maybe it's an outfit she doesn't really like, but it's laundry day. Maybe she's the next woman ill repute from Babylon. Maybe she has low self esteem. Idk.

 

And three, it simply doesn't matter to what I tell my sons. Every woman is to be treated like a lady.