In-laws want to visit for a weekend two weeks after we move into our new home

[Hoggirl]

Should this bug me? It does. I would really like my home to be a little more settled before we have overnight company. I fully admit that I am a perfectionist. I don't want my home to be completely "done" before they visit, but I would like to be a bit further along than I imagine I will be after two weeks.

 

Part of this is just history with my fil with whom I do not get along. When we bought a small lake cabin several years ago about an hour from the town we both lived in at the time he said, "Give me the key so I can drive over and look at it." I'm not kidding. He didn't ASK, he demanded. When we moved back from England eleven years ago, we bought a home about four months before we returned. They went and stayed in it when they had an event in a nearby town. They slept in it before we did. Then when we came back from England, they came up two days later and he complained b/c I didn't have cable or newspaper delivery yet!!

 

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that he has known me for 24 years and knows I like things to be "right,"but I feel as though he purposely wants to catch me when it isn't right. He finally quit doing this, but they used to show up two hours earlier for visits than they said they would arrive. They'd also say they would eat before they arrived and then wouldn't have eaten. I feel like this is a way for him to be controlling. Maybe I am just paranoid/insecure I just feel like a witch if I say, "no."

 

Not sure if this is a JAWM thread or if I want someone to tell me to snap out of it and not worry about it. I know I should do the latter. He also doesn't like to eat out which means I will either have to worry about fixing a weekend's worth of meals or listen to him complain about everything if we go out.

 

I guess I am just whining.

[Snickerdoodle]

Just say no to the visit. It isn't very good timing and more than a bit rude for them to invite themselves over.

 

Holy heck, whenever we move (a lot!) it takes me 6 mos to get settled. :tongue_smilie: Just saying.

[Snickerdoodle]

Maybe I am just paranoid/insecure I just feel like a witch if I say, "no."

Embrace it and fully own it.

 

This is part of being a grown-up. Draw your lines in the sand and make everyone respect them.

 

"No" is the most powerful word in your arsenal.

[Maverick_Mom]

No. No. No.

 

It's like people (read: my in-laws) who wanted to come to my house right after I'd had a baby and stay with us and be fed and entertained. No.

[Teachin'Mine]

I would ask your husband to call them and tell them you'll call them when you're ready for company. FIL sounds more than controlling.

Edited August 9, 2012 by Teachin'Mine

[Meriwether]

We are moving in two weeks. If someone wanted to come - on either side - they would be welcome. I'd put my family to work. If it was my ILs, who sound a bit like yours, I'd grin and bear it.

[momofkhm]

Just say no and stick with it.

 

My first thought was maybe they want to help you move in. But that is not what it sounds like they will be doing. Say no. Stick with it. Give them an alternative. "That weekend doesn't work for us. How about another month down the road. That would be much better. We'll have the cable and newspaper by then. :tongue_smilie:"

[TravelingChris]

We had to do this a few times= we moved right before Christmas, twice. It was my brother who doesn't have any other family to celebrate Christmas. One time he arrived four days after the movers delivered. We set him to work.

 

We also had my FIL arrive about two or three weeks after a move and it turned out very well. He entertained the kids.

 

However, if they are problem people, and not helps, I wouldn't do it. Then I would Just Say NO.

[Upward Journey]

My sympathy.

 

We just made an international move 3 weeks ago, my parents are visiting in one.

 

I understand their reasoning, they want to visit before our oldest starts school, but still. My mom asked if I'd been thinking about what we could do :001_huh: ummmm, no? I'm a bit more concerned with getting the boxes unpacked and making sure we have clean clothes.

[marbel]

Since it's your husband's family... does he agree with you?

 

If he really wants them, I'd put up with them. They're his family. If he agrees with you, then he should just tell them "sorry, it's not a good time. How about ... [2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years from now].

[happyhomemaker]

You are NOT being unreasonable. They are being rude and inconsiderate. I wouldn't mind if *my* parents or ILs came, but they would be coming to help. Doesn't sound like that's the case here. Just say that weekend won't work for you and give them some alternate dates that will. Don't get sucked into a discussion about why the weekend won't work. It just doesn't. Period.

[mom4him]

Should this bug me?

 

I think whether this should bother you is irrelevant. You have said it doesn't and that is a blessing. I really do believe it will be a choice for you. You can let them come and have it bother or not. Or you can ask them to let you have another couple weeks. It really should be up to you and your dh.

[elegantlion]

At least you'll have things to do to occupy your time. :glare: I would be bugged since it seems to be a pattern, but if it's expected and you'll deal with it, then I guess it wouldn't.

 

I wouldn't feel like I'd have to have it all together, but I would warn dh that I might be busier than normal and won't be able to entertain his parents fully, so he'd have to pick up the slack. Of course, I might not say it quite like that, depending upon my mood.

[FaithManor]

Should this bug me? It does. I would really like my home to be a little more settled before we have overnight company. I fully admit that I am a perfectionist. I don't want my home to be completely "done" before they visit, but I would like to be a bit further along than I imagine I will be after two weeks.

 

Part of this is just history with my fil with whom I do not get along. When we bought a small lake cabin several years ago about an hour from the town we both lived in at the time he said, "Give me the key so I can drive over and look at it." I'm not kidding. He didn't ASK, he demanded. When we moved back from England eleven years ago, we bought a home about four months before we returned. They went and stayed in it when they had an event in a nearby town. They slept in it before we did. Then when we came back from England, they came up two days later and he complained b/c I didn't have cable or newspaper delivery yet!!

 

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that he has known me for 24 years and knows I like things to be "right,"but I feel as though he purposely wants to catch me when it isn't right. He finally quit doing this, but they used to show up two hours earlier for visits than they said they would arrive. They'd also say they would eat before they arrived and then wouldn't have eaten. I feel like this is a way for him to be controlling. Maybe I am just paranoid/insecure I just feel like a witch if I say, "no."

 

Not sure if this is a JAWM thread or if I want someone to tell me to snap out of it and not worry about it. I know I should do the latter. He also doesn't like to eat out which means I will either have to worry about fixing a weekend's worth of meals or listen to him complain about everything if we go out.

 

I guess I am just whining.

 

Wow, how is it that you have the same FIL that I had????? Small world! :D

 

My FIL would show up four or five hrs. before he said he'd be there and if I wasn't home, would call of the relatives and tell them I abandoned him, left him locked out of the house with no where to go deliberately.

 

Same thing with the food...."OH yes, we'll eat on the road because we won't be getting in until 8:00." Then show up at 6:00 and want to know where supper was. :glare: If I had supper ready, then he'd complain about my cooking. If I didn't have supper ready, he would look at dh and say, "So, she can't cook?"

 

Dh eventually told his dad he wasn't welcome at our house.

 

Sigh....put your foot down. Tell him NO! Make your dh tell him "NO, we aren't going to be ready to entertain yet."

 

Faith

[Beth S]

I would definitely have dh talk with them directly.

 

Possibly suggest they stay in a nearby motel, so they can get a restful night's sleep after the full, very busy days of helping you unpack. :-) If you are comfortable with it, asking them to take the younger grandkids on outings (& meals) away from home is a great alternative.

[Hoggirl]

Wow, how is it that you have the same FIL that I had????? Small world! :D

 

My FIL would show up four or five hrs. before he said he'd be there and if I wasn't home, would call of the relatives and tell them I abandoned him, left him locked out of the house with no where to go deliberately.

 

Same thing with the food...."OH yes, we'll eat on the road because we won't be getting in until 8:00." Then show up at 6:00 and want to know where supper was. :glare: If I had supper ready, then he'd complain about my cooking. If I didn't have supper ready, he would look at dh and say, "So, she can't cook?"

 

Dh eventually told his dad he wasn't welcome at our house.

 

Sigh....put your foot down. Tell him NO! Make your dh tell him "NO, we aren't going to be ready to entertain yet."

 

Faith

 

Oh, my word! They must have been separated at birth!! FIL doesn't complain about my cooking, but he NEVER compliments it either. I think yours is/was worse.

[Hoggirl]

Talked to dh.

 

Decided we are going to suck it up. He will call and explain to them that things are going to be chaotic and that they should not expect full-blown meals, we may eat out, etc.

 

It probably will be better to just get it over with. He thinks that is a good weekend since we know we don't have anything going on.

 

Not my first choice, but it is what it is.

[Liz CA]

I too would want the home to be in order for visitors. In this case, I think some boundaries with FIL are appropriate before his behavior breeds more resentment. Practice saying "No" or "let me suggest this..." and not cave in. Actually your dh should be the forerunner on this since it is his family.

In-Law issues are always so...complicated.

Bottom line is if you don't want them over, have dh say you are not ready yet but would welcome them ....(insert month, date).

[Starr]

Don't sweat it. They can live with the boxes. Send them to the store for paper plates and cooked chicken and salad. ;) Be cute and casual and don't worry about what they think.

[momacacia]

Put 'em to work. I do have to say about my in-laws, they are happy to work around here when they visit. Raking leaves, putting up playgrounds, cleaning out my car (which I found a little invasive as it'd kind of like cleaning out my purse:glare:). Make a list of what you want to accomplish that weekend and take them along for the ride. They might improve their timing.;)

[QuirkyKapers]

Put 'em to work. I do have to say about my in-laws, they are happy to work around here when they visit. Raking leaves, putting up playgrounds, cleaning out my car (which I found a little invasive as it'd kind of like cleaning out my purse:glare:). Make a list of what you want to accomplish that weekend and take them along for the ride. They might improve their timing.;)

:iagree: How would they respond if you gave them a list of things to do? Or would they rather keep the kids entertained?

[Ewe Mama]

Being the ornery person that I am, I would purposefully drag my feet about unpacking and organizing as much as possible.

 

When the in-laws appear and are shocked by the confusion, you can sweetly say, "I knew this wan't going to be a good time for a visit, but dh so wanted to see you! Could you go out and pick up some food and paper plates? Oh, we forgot to set up your air mattress. Help me move these boxes out of the way so you'll have a place to sleep."

 

Maybe it would shorten their visit. ;)

[Hoggirl]

Being the ornery person that I am, I would purposefully drag my feet about unpacking and organizing as much as possible.

 

When the in-laws appear and are shocked by the confusion, you can sweetly say, "I knew this wan't going to be a good time for a visit, but dh so wanted to see you! Could you go out and pick up some food and paper plates? Oh, we forgot to set up your air mattress. Help me move these boxes out of the way so you'll have a place to sleep."

 

Maybe it would shorten their visit. ;)

 

Funny!

[Impish]

Being the ornery person that I am, I would purposefully drag my feet about unpacking and organizing as much as possible.

 

When the in-laws appear and are shocked by the confusion, you can sweetly say, "I knew this wan't going to be a good time for a visit, but dh so wanted to see you! Could you go out and pick up some food and paper plates? Oh, we forgot to set up your air mattress. Help me move these boxes out of the way so you'll have a place to sleep."

 

Maybe it would shorten their visit. ;)

:lol:

I'd put 'em to work. They don't like it, they may leave early.

[Hoggirl]

Put 'em to work. I do have to say about my in-laws, they are happy to work around here when they visit. Raking leaves, putting up playgrounds, cleaning out my car (which I found a little invasive as it'd kind of like cleaning out my purse:glare:). Make a list of what you want to accomplish that weekend and take them along for the ride. They might improve their timing.;)

 

Highly unlikely. :glare:

 

When ds was born (I only have one who is 15) they came up "to help." MIL was helpul. FIL? Not so much. About 36 hours after ds was born, dh was outside mowing our grass. Of course, he was exhausted, but it REALLY needed to be done. FIL just sat in the nice, cool air-conditioning watching tv. We even had two lawnmowers at the time, so he could have at least cut dh's time in half. He NEVER helps. He doesn't even put his plate in the dishwasher after eating. Very "king of the castle" mentality whether in his own home or someone else's.

[lmrich]

I would make sure they know that you plan to include them in the unpacking and cleaning part. Maybe they can paint a room or steam clean a carpet for you. I would even tell them you are looking forward to help with the poison ivy and the weeds out back because the mosquitos are really bad.

[Hoggirl]

I would make sure they know that you plan to include them in the unpacking and cleaning part. Maybe they can paint a room or steam clean a carpet for you. I would even tell them you are looking forward to help with the poison ivy and the weeds out back because the mosquitos are really bad.

 

Lol! It's new construction.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: Imo, it sounds like you know him and put up with him more than necessary, but I do understand the position you are in.

 

If you must let him visit, go out to eat and ignore his fussing. He knows it will bug you and that's part of his satsfaction.

[elegantlion]

I think you should wear the hat in your avatar during their entire visit. It's so adorable and it has to make you feel fabulous, but I'm kind of ornery too.

[Hoggirl]

:grouphug: Imo, it sounds like you know him and put up with him more than necessary, but I do understand the position you are in.

 

If you must let him visit, go out to eat and ignore his fussing. He knows it will bug you and that's part of his satsfaction.

 

He definitely knows how to push my buttons. I hate that. I wish I were one of those unflappable people, but I am not. Too much of a pleaser.

[Hoggirl]

I think you should wear the hat in your avatar during their entire visit. It's so adorable and it has to make you feel fabulous, but I'm kind of ornery too.

 

Thank you! Wonder if I will be able to find it among the boxes???

 

Maybe I will just slap on a crown instead. :D

[Tess in the Burbs]

well, we move a lot and I have had family or friends visit just after moving in. First, it motivates me to get it unpacked/organized faster. Second, if they aren't coming to help unpack/organize then just say no! I am upfront about visits just after moving....you may be helping to unpack in some way...mention organizing the garage....and only the ones who truly love you will still want to come :lol:

[Hoggirl]

My FIL was actually very helpful. He helped DH lay flooring. But my MIL? She didn't even want to color Easter eggs with the kids. She has no qualms about going into my bedroom to make my bed or rearranging my cupboards (even though we are freaking moving so who cares).

 

My dad sounds like this though. He will watch the kids, but that is it.

 

Oh. my. word. I am thankful that my mother-in-law is lovely, even if she does enable his bad behavior.

[ashfern]

My ILs visited in the middle of a couple of our moves. On one hand it was nice having someone to entertain the kids while I packed/unpacked. On the other hand it was annoying having someone want to empty *all* the boxes at once while I was trying to organize the new house. :glare:

[celticmom]

Being the ornery person that I am, I would purposefully drag my feet about unpacking and organizing as much as possible.

 

When the in-laws appear and are shocked by the confusion, you can sweetly say, "I knew this wan't going to be a good time for a visit, but dh so wanted to see you! Could you go out and pick up some food and paper plates? Oh, we forgot to set up your air mattress. Help me move these boxes out of the way so you'll have a place to sleep."

 

Maybe it would shorten their visit. ;)

 

:iagree:I like this idea alot. Of course I also deliberately put our 100 lb. jumpy dog on the front porch to keep my MIL from finding an excuse to come into our house. (She likes to try to inspect it so I simply do. not. allow. her inside.)

[Woodhaven]

How about something like, "I'm glad you are coming to help us unpack, clean and settle in. We have SO MUCH to do. Your timing is perfect!" Then read off a list of things they can pitch in and help with.

[jelbe5]

I did not read all the previous posts, but here is my two cents:

 

Don't say no to your in-laws.

 

Have your dh tell them no. :D

[Jen in PA]

I would tell them that you just won't be ready for houseguests at that point, and give them the number of a nearby hotel with a restaurant. If they don't want to do the hotel, suggest another date for the visit.

[Catwoman]

Talked to dh.

 

Decided we are going to suck it up. He will call and explain to them that things are going to be chaotic and that they should not expect full-blown meals, we may eat out, etc.

 

It probably will be better to just get it over with. He thinks that is a good weekend since we know we don't have anything going on.

 

Not my first choice, but it is what it is.

 

You are a much nicer person than I am.

 

I would have said no, and had no qualms about it.

 

The more control you allow people to have over you, the more they will take, and the worse you will feel.

 

Since they insist on coming, and for some reason you and your dh are allowing the visit, have your dh tell them on the phone how nice it is that they are coming to help you, and that he has a lot of projects for his dad to help him with, while you and your MIL have a fun weekend doing things with the kids.

 

Perhaps you could even give your FIL a little list, and ask him to be sure to bring the appropriate tools for the yard work he'll be helping with. Oh, and if he has old clothes, he should bring them, because you'd hate to see him get paint all over his good clothes. Work gloves would be good, too, so he doesn't get blisters from moving all of those big boxes of books upstairs from the basement to the second floor bedrooms. :D

 

With any luck, FIL will suddenly need to postpone the visit until the house is ready.

[Hoggirl]

 

The more control you allow people to have over you, the more they will take, and the worse you will feel.

 

This is so true. FIL just does not take, "no" for an answer. If we said it wasn't a good weekend he would push for a why. If we said we wanted the house to be in better shape/more organized, he would say it won't bother him. He is completely insensitive to the fact that it bothers ME.

 

The whole family dynamic around him is completely dysfunctional. He is mean and a bully.

 

Tied up in all of this is the fact both of my parents died before I was married, so it is ALWAYS about dh's family. This is my own issue, of couse, but sometimes I deal with it better than others.

 

I have stood up to him a couple of times, mostly over issues with ds. Children certainly help with drawing boundaries. It never turns out well. Honestly, and this sounds horrible, I could care less if I ever saw him (I LOVE mil), but what can you do? They are family and ds's only grandparents.

[Slartibartfast]

I would just say we weren't prepared for visitors so soon after moving and I wouldn't be accepting visitors for two months or whatever time frame suits you.

[Guest]

You are nicer than us, too. DH hasn't even told his parents we are moving.

[Mrs Mungo]

Nobody is coming to my house for at least 6 weeks after a move, unless they plan to help paint, unpack, arrange furniture, help do home projects, etc.

 

If they *insisted* that they wanted to visit? Then, I would send them a list of hotels in the area, explaining that the house will not be ready for visitors.

[TammyinTN]

No way...two weeks is way to early after a move to a new home. Maybe at the one month mark.

[PrairieSong]

This is so true. FIL just does not take, "no" for an answer. If we said it wasn't a good weekend he would push for a why. If we said we wanted the house to be in better shape/more organized, he would say it won't bother him. He is completely insensitive to the fact that it bothers ME.

 

The whole family dynamic around him is completely dysfunctional. He is mean and a bully.

 

Just say NO. You don't need to give a reason. If he pushes, say, "This is what we have decided."

 

If he pushes further, just say, "Why do you need a reason? This is our decision."

 

Geez, he sounds like a winner. Could you talk to your mil about it?

[Mrs Mungo]

We had to do this a few times= we moved right before Christmas, twice. It was my brother who doesn't have any other family to celebrate Christmas. One time he arrived four days after the movers delivered. We set him to work.

 

We also had my FIL arrive about two or three weeks after a move and it turned out very well. He entertained the kids.

 

However, if they are problem people, and not helps, I wouldn't do it. Then I would Just Say NO.

 

See, this is different. One guy, doesn't want to be alone at Christmas, is perfectly fine with helping. I wouldn't mind that.

[Susan C.]

Talked to dh.

 

Decided we are going to suck it up. He will call and explain to them that things are going to be chaotic and that they should not expect full-blown meals, we may eat out, etc.

 

It probably will be better to just get it over with. He thinks that is a good weekend since we know we don't have anything going on.

 

Not my first choice, but it is what it is.

 

OK, then line the boxes up against the wall and pick up where you left off when they leave. Don't kill yourself getting it right before they come! And park on the couch and eat out.

 

We had the same thing w/my parents. Twice, they came RIGHT after a move. We moved across the country, and I kid you not, I had just had a baby, was trying to move AND plan their visit to a place I hadn't even been to yet. The house was a fixer upper, so everything was a disaster. Second move we downsized to a tiny apartment. I was exhaused, and even tripped when we were sightseeing and split my chin open, so the whole deal was complete w/an ER visit. The next year I complained about when they wanted to come, so they didn't come at all..... so if its important to see the ILs, then yes, suck up. Hope it isn't too bad.

[Catwoman]

Just say NO. You don't need to give a reason. If he pushes, say, "This is what we have decided."

 

If he pushes further, just say, "Why do you need a reason? This is our decision."

 

Geez, he sounds like a winner. Could you talk to your mil about it?

 

:iagree:

 

People can only push you as far as you let them. I don't think excuses are necessary -- and I agree that, "Why do you need a reason? This is our decision," is a good response to a pushy relative.

 

I don't understand the idea that it's OK for someone to bully you into doing something you don't want to do, just because that person is a family member.

[Georgiana Daniels]

If my husband refused to respect my wishes, I'd be directing some focused attention his way. This is your home and YOU aren't ready for company. You don't need to justify why, and people who self-invite don't deserve a reason.

[Hoggirl]

Just say NO. You don't need to give a reason. If he pushes, say, "This is what we have decided."

 

If he pushes further, just say, "Why do you need a reason? This is our decision."

 

Geez, he sounds like a winner. Could you talk to your mil about it?

 

I don't think I could do it. I don't disagree with you at all.

 

Mil has no more influence than anyone else. He has bullied her and been disrespectful to her for 50+ years.

 

I did find out that he has an event to go to in the town we are moving to on Friday night. That was obviously his reasoning for wanting to come that weekend, but that information wasn't shared. Of course, he has mil ask. She said __________ wants me to ask you if we can come up such and such weekend.

 

It would be easier to say no to him, I think. I'm sure he realizes this and that's why he has her ask. I like her.