Hoggirl Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 :iagree: People can only push you as far as you let them. I don't think excuses are necessary -- and I agree that, "Why do you need a reason? This is our decision," is a good response to a pushy relative. I don't understand the idea that it's OK for someone to bully you into doing something you don't want to do, just because that person is a family member. Because I am a wimp. I have to spend every holiday with these people. I don't want to, but I can't figure out how to get out of it and not look like a *itch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 It's a shame that your MIL gets stuck in the middle. Are you worried that if you tell her no, that your FIL will be angry with her about it? If that's the case, I can understand why you would say yes to the visit. I feel sorry for your MIL, though. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Because I am a wimp. I have to spend every holiday with these people. I don't want to, but I can't figure out how to get out of it and not look like a *itch. Just say no. Don't worry about how it looks to others. Who cares what they think? Lots of people have their own holiday celebration instead of visiting the in-laws. Your only child is quite old at this point. You can have your own holiday celebration. It will not make you a *itch. If fil thinks so . . . well . . . he may be projecting.;) *Very gently* I remember your back story and I have to say that you seem to be carrying so much pain from your personal tragedy. You do not have to let your in-laws run all over you just because you have no living family. It is okay to have boundaries. It is okay to tell your in-laws no. It is okay to have your own family space and your own family time. You have been very patient and loving toward your in-laws, but it is okay to stand up to them on this issue. It will not ruin your relationship. They will still be in your life and they will still be in your son's life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I would ask your husband to call them and tell them you'll call them when you're ready for company. :iagree: Any chance your FIL thinks he is funny? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 This is so true. FIL just does not take, "no" for an answer. If we said it wasn't a good weekend he would push for a why. My ex-FIL pushed me ONCE. I finally was truthful and told him I wouldn't be there because I was having killer menstrual cramps and extra heavy flow. Never pushed me again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan C. Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Because I am a wimp. I have to spend every holiday with these people. I don't want to, but I can't figure out how to get out of it and not look like a *itch. I'm with you, at least its just a weekend, my visits were 2+ weeks...... I did draw the line and things were never the same again. It wasn't worth it in the long run. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I think whether this should bother you is irrelevant. You have said it doesn't and that is a blessing. I really do believe it will be a choice for you. You can let them come and have it bother or not. Or you can ask them to let you have another couple weeks. It really should be up to you and your dh. I agree. I have no opinion on whether it should bug you. There are a lot of people who enjoy having lots of people in their home, whenever those people care to show up, but it would bug me to no end, and I would say no. You need to decide what is right for you, and not feel bad about it, either way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 It's a shame that your MIL gets stuck in the middle. Are you worried that if you tell her no, that your FIL will be angry with her about it? If that's the case, I can understand why you would say yes to the visit. I feel sorry for your MIL, though. :( No, I don't think he would be "angry" per se. He would, however, ask her all the same questions/raise the same objections with her that I mentioned above...wouldn't understand why it would be a problem or bother me if they came. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 Just say no. Don't worry about how it looks to others. Who cares what they think? Lots of people have their own holiday celebration instead of visiting the in-laws. Your only child is quite old at this point. You can have your own holiday celebration. It will not make you a *itch. If fil thinks so . . . well . . . he may be projecting.;) *Very gently* I remember your back story and I have to say that you seem to be carrying so much pain from your personal tragedy. You do not have to let your in-laws run all over you just because you have no living family. It is okay to have boundaries. It is okay to tell your in-laws no. It is okay to have your own family space and your own family time. You have been very patient and loving toward your in-laws, but it is okay to stand up to them on this issue. It will not ruin your relationship. They will still be in your life and they will still be in your son's life. I appreciate your forthrightness. I really do. We do have family space and time. They live three hours away. Dh did put his foot down re: Christmas when ds was four. We don't go see them on Christmas "proper" but always have a family gathering the weekend before Christmas. It's a moot point on this visit. Dh has already decided he wants them to go ahead and come up. I think I secretly hope we will feel less obligated to see them once ds goes off to college. So, I've only got two more years. Part of the rationale for dh wanting them to come up after we move is that he thinks ds would really like to see them. I think we will have to carry on with the holiday visits, but maybe not much more. It's all just a pattern now - on many levels. I, too, feel sorry for my mil. I think that is a big part of why I don't like saying, "No." I can't say no to him without saying no to her. I adore her. It's not her fault she is married to an @ss. Well, it kind of is. My dh one time told me that he cannot control his father's bad behavior. We just ALL sort of endure it. No one calls him out on it. I don't feel like I have standing to do that. Dh won't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Because I am a wimp. I have to spend every holiday with these people. I don't want to, but I can't figure out how to get out of it and not look like a *itch. I don't think you are a wimp. I think you are making the best of an uncomfortable situation. Parent relationships can be hard, but those people are still our parents. We treat them differently than we do others. We take things from them that we wouldn't take from others. Your FIL sounds like a big pain, very unpleasant guy. My in-laws are a pain in different ways. I don't despise them but I hate having to spend time with them. But they are my husband's parents and he needs to honor them the best way he can. So we put up with their nasty comments and their obvious (though silent) disapproval of our homeschooling lifestyle. In some number of years - not too many, probably - they will be gone. I have never met anyone who regretted maintaining a civil relationship with a difficult parent. (I'm not talking about an abusive parent but I guess we might disagree on those definitions.) I know many people who cut their parents out of their lives and then had huge regrets when they were gone. I also think you are right to honor your husband's desire to just let his parents come even though it's not a good time. He is in a tough position, particularly if his mom is nice and has been pushed about my his dad for all these years. Maybe he wants to do this for her. Obviously I don't know your whole story so forgive me if I am missing something. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tristangrace Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 In my world, people can want and ask for whatever they want--knowing what you want and asking for it is a healthy thing! Of course, it doesn't mean I'm obligated to accommodate them. If I'm bugged by what somebody wants, it's usually because I feel uncomfortable denying them. I have the power and responsibility to figure out what I want and draw boundaries; I just don't like being required to use that power. But that's my problem, not theirs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 I don't think you are a wimp. I think you are making the best of an uncomfortable situation. Parent relationships can be hard, but those people are still our parents. We treat them differently than we do others. We take things from them that we wouldn't take from others. Your FIL sounds like a big pain, very unpleasant guy. My in-laws are a pain in different ways. I don't despise them but I hate having to spend time with them. But they are my husband's parents and he needs to honor them the best way he can. So we put up with their nasty comments and their obvious (though silent) disapproval of our homeschooling lifestyle. In some number of years - not too many, probably - they will be gone. I have never met anyone who regretted maintaining a civil relationship with a difficult parent. (I'm not talking about an abusive parent but I guess we might disagree on those definitions.) I know many people who cut their parents out of their lives and then had huge regrets when they were gone. I also think you are right to honor your husband's desire to just let his parents come even though it's not a good time. He is in a tough position, particularly if his mom is nice and has been pushed about my his dad for all these years. Maybe he wants to do this for her. Obviously I don't know your whole story so forgive me if I am missing something. :grouphug: Thank you so much for articulating this so well. I didn't have the eloquence to do it, but this is exactly how I feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 In my world, people can want and ask for whatever they want--knowing what you want and asking for it is a healthy thing! Of course, it doesn't mean I'm obligated to accommodate them. If I'm bugged by what somebody wants, it's usually because I feel uncomfortable denying them. I have the power and responsibility to figure out what I want and draw boundaries; I just don't like being required to use that power. But that's my problem, not theirs. Yep. I feel guilty if I deny them. They won't be around forever, and they are ds's only grandparents. Now that ds is older, I no longer try to hide the fact that I do not agree with a lot of fil's behavior. I try not to disparage him, but when asked directly what ds thinks about how fil treats mil he answered, "Not very nice." Fil doesn't really spend much time *doing* anything with ds, but mil does. She only has two grandchildren and dotes on both of them and has great relationships with both of them. Everyone just pretty much puts up with fil. It is a problem that I cannot stand up to him more, but as you said, it is MY problem. It's not worth the hassle, so I come here and whine instead. :tongue_smilie: Glad I have a place to vent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephencurtisjoelle Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Is it possible that your husband wants them to come because he is excited to show them the new house? I know now matter how old we get, we often still desire to please our parents and make them proud. Perhaps your dh is very proud of the home the two of you have purchased together and wants his dad to see how well you both have done? I know in-laws and they can be rough! Congratulations on your new home! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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