Is marriage hard work?

[Shawndrese]

The first 5 years of our relationship was definitely hard work. But we got pregnant only 6 months after dating...and add that with unemployment, losing everything we had (cars, house, business, etc) and the depression/insecurities that goes with that...oh and a drug/alcohol problem =:banghead:

It took 5 months of being separated before my husband finally "saw the light" :tongue_smilie:

He has made a complete 180 and I finally have the man I always knew he could be. (sounds cheesy I know :lol:) I, of course, give God 100% credit for the changes he has made and helping us work out our problems. (and so does my husband)

So for these last few years, I can finally say that our marriage is easy. Our personalities just completely click and we don't sweat the small stuff. I'm definitely more stubborn and hard headed, and he just goes with the flow (which I need!) Also, having hit rock bottom has given us an appreciation that I don't think we would of had otherwise. :D

[FaithManor]

Dh and I are very blessed and we know it. We were best friends and still are. There isn't anyone I'd rather spend time with and we love being in each other's presence...most of the time. :D

 

Marriage is not work here and we are very, very close. His brother on the other hand is barely, just barely, a roomate with this wife and frankly, they don't divorce because it's just convenient to keep the finances together and then mostly avoid each other in their very large home, but play sort of, kind of nice, nice at family gatherings. It's actually quite sad because they think that their friends and family believe they are happily married and we ALL know differently. They aren't good actors.

 

Parenting and homeschooling...that's the exhausting part. Rewarding, but definitely tuckers us out!

 

Faith

[kareng]

Dh and I met, got engaged and married within a year! It was crazy but we were in our mid 30s and figured, "why wait?!" We also figured that because we were older, we were more mature. HaHaHaHa! We, had both, however, lived alone for 10 years or so prior to marrying. Needless to say, our marriage was difficult, especially in the beginning. Both dh and I are completely different. He is very structured and likes to know ahead of time what's going to happen while I am more laid back and like to have a basic plan but go with the flow. I love to talk things out and he does not. Add to that that we did not know each other very well and neither did we know ourselves! It took Dh years to grasp that he was really married. Then we tried having children. That took a few years. That was another milestone for dh. The difficult thing was that most of our dd's life, he has had to do mandatory overtime for a portion of the year which he greatly hates. He is most thankful for his job and for the extra money but more than anything else, he wishes he could have those years back to spend with his daughter. Add to the mix that our dd is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum from dh -- she is creative and a free spirit. God does have a sense of humor, doesn't He?

 

When our dd was 3, I was finally able to get pregnant again but lost the twins at 10 weeks. That absolutely devastated both of us. It took years for us to work through that but it really is what saved our marriage. We realized that while we have two babies in heaven, we still have each other and our precious daughter.

 

What makes our marriage hard (for me) is that we are so different (opposites attract :-). While I desire to talk everything through, he feels that talking brings pain. As a result it's been a long journey of trying to be best friends and knowing that God brought us together and trusting ultimately God will continue to show us the path on which to walk.

[thebarefootamazon]

There are times when life in general is hard and feels like a lot of work but I don't necessarily feel that my relationship with my husband is a lot of work. He's generally the raft that I'm clinging to when life is full of waves. Oh man, that sounds ridiculously cheesy but it's true. We each pull our own load in the relationship and when we're not able to, I'm comfortable knowing I can take on his too or he can and will take on mine. I seem to have found a man with a servant's heart who is willing to do whatever is necessary for me. I definitely considered myself to be blessed.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I think that it is unreasonable to expect that marriage be easy and fulfilling all the time. There are seasons where it is hard work. However, it shouldn't have to be terribly hard all the time. I have to say that dh and I have an easy-going marriage. However, I do sometimes find it hard work to not get my nose out of joint over some things. Most of the times I find it hard is when I need to get my head together and stop looking for miracles and make a few small changes that make a big difference (like getting off the computer when dh is home - like asking for what I want instead of feeling put out that he doesn't notice - like taking the initiative for time spent together instead of waiting for him to take me out on a date. )

[meggie]

For us that the beginning, it was hard. It was all mostly my fault. We were friends for a year, then dated for a year before we got married. During that time, we worked through things, talked through things, I thought it would be easy peasy. What we didn't count on was my dysfunctional family life affecting us after we were married. During the heat of the moment, I'd react poorly and even though I knew it was wrong, it took a long time before I got the self-control to work things out and communicate well. Growing up in my family, we didn't communicate, if there was a problem, we ignored it until it went away.

 

Also, I started pushing DH away because I was sure eventually he'd try to push me away. I didn't want to be the one hurt, I wanted to be the one with the power. Again, I knew it was wrong, but it took me awhile to gain some self-control.

 

The times after our children were born were very stressful.

 

Some things that strengthened our marriage: Me learning how to say I'm sorry. It took about three years, but I did learn it.

 

Doing Dave Ramsey's program gave us some skills to communicate with each other without fighting. We applied those to other areas, not just finances, and we hardly ever argue anymore. Discussions, sure. Disagreements, sure. But not angry, out of control anymore.

 

His period (18 months) of unemployment. It was extremely stressful. And in the middle of it, I found out I was pregnant again, which was even more stressful. But I came to the realization that I could either face him and fight him or we could stand side by side and take the world on together. I chose the latter.

 

I don't know. These are just my experiences; I don't know that they're right or wrong or that other people are right or wrong for having easy marriages or hard work marriages.

 

For me, parenting is 1000x harder. I feel like I'm doing something wrong and if I were better at it, I could have 5-8 kids and love it. Constant second guessing myself, constant feelings of inadequacy, constant struggles.

[bkpan]

If you are married to me it is....

 

This. Yes.

[bkpan]

i think to do it well is work. it involves being intentional, and the more intentional we can be, the better the results.

 

that said, i don't think marriage per se is hard work, but a good and healthy marriage is.

 

it means taking care of myself, getting to know myself, working to embody the values i hold dear, working to make sure that my actions reflect those values. it means being responsible, fighting fair, admitting i'm wrong sometimes. it means doing some things i'd rather not do (dishes and laundry come to mind) and doing them cheerfully and well. it means not saying negative things about dh to others, even when that would be honest and true (which blessedly is not so often).

 

most times of most days, that is all now automatic, but it wasn't in the beginning.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: very much!

[*Lulu*]

Is marriage work?

 

Yes, not in the sense that is is this great laboureous undertaking that I must trod through unpleasantly each day, but in the sense that it is something at which I must expend energy. When DH and I hang out watching a sitcom and laughing together at the jokes that are even funnier because of our own inside jokes, I am working. When DH take me out for our anniversary and I spend extra time dressing nicely, I am working. When I leave him little notes of love, I am working.

 

Work is not automatically negative. Work can be fufilling and refreshing, it can be what drives us forward, what helps define our lives and what cheers us during hard times.

[Lolly]

It isn't hard work here. I'm going to turn what someone else said around, dh and I are one body working as two parts. We have had disagreements. We have never fought. Just isn't in our personalities. We get a frustrated with each other at times. We don't ever truly get angry with one another. The hard times push us closer together. When in those circumstances that statistics say divorce rises, we are joined closer. (We have had a few of those come up.) We have had our fast and furious and our ho hum days. It is all cyclical. It all will roll around again.

[Katy]

No. It's been very, very easy and the best decision I ever made.

[justLisa]

The first few years were very stressful. But that is because of my mother manipulating me in to thinking she deserves to be a part of it. I won't even go in to that.

 

After I decided I am a grown up and no longer need her approval, DH and I started working as a team. It was absolutely liberating. It reminds me of the fat thread....like finally finding a life changing way of eating and feeling totally transformed.

 

We are *besties* :lol:. I call him my boyfriend, and there is no one I'd rather hang out with.

[TranquilMind]

Well it could be a personality thing. DH and I are perfectly matched really. I went out with a guy prior to meeting my DH for four years. We fought constantly. It's a good thing we did not marry.

Yes, I had this experience too.

 

Never marry someone you can't even get along with while you are dating!

 

My husband is perfect, and we never had a cross word while dating. It wasn't ME, like the other guy made me believe. It was him! ha.

[Sparkle]

I'd say our marriage is sometimes hard work. DH and I have very similar values and belief systems, but our personalities are quite different. Marriage takes a lot of communication, and I am really bad at it. I am a quiet, introverted, go with the flow kind of person, and dh is much more extroverted, talkative, analytical type guy, who wants to dissect everything. Mostly we get along well but it is constantly a challenge.

 

Parenting, to me, is much easier.

[Haupia]

Ok, so I just have to say that in the US there is a 50% divorce rate. So obviously there is work involved in there some where. It doesn't come easy for everyone. I have had to work dang hard at our marriage. We have dealt with unemployment, miscarriage, depression, and crazy inlaws. All in the first month of being married. We have worked quite hard to get to where we are today after 9 years of marriage, 5 kids, and moving like crazy. I wouldn't trade any of it, because it made me into a very strong person and blessed with a strong marriage. He has always been my best friend, but we had to work through cultural issues, and insecurities from being raised in crazy families. I KNOW I am not the only one, because I have friends who have ended in divorce, and family who have struggled too. You have to always make time for eachother, always talk to eachother....not because you have to, but because you want to. Reality is, you are two people coming together intimately from completely different backgrounds, and sometimes it takes a lot of rewriting your future from how you have been raised. I just had to say something, because to think that I am the only one on here that has issues is going to drive me mad.

[Nestof3]

Yes, it can be hard work -- or perhaps it's parenting that affects our marriage that's hard work. These days, I'm spending most my time doing my jobs and trying to get the most enjoyment I can out of life. There are a lot of things I enjoy in life. It must be nice to really click and have a great marriage.

[G5052]

Medical and disability issues have made it much harder than it was at first on many fronts. That said, I have no regrets that we've hung in there.

[The Girls' Mom]

For our marriage, it depends on the day..:lol: I seriously think it is harder work for ME than my dh. He is just content. He is always content. Drives me batty. :glare:

 

Seriously though, I have always struggled with certain aspects of our marriage, and have to work through them. There are days I have to choose to love my dh, rather than just simply being in love with him. We do NOT always click or see eye to eye, and when that happens you have to work at it until you do.

 

For the record, we've been married 20 years, and we were actually separated at one point. We are in it for life now though ;)

[Plucky]

Yes, it is hard work. I also think marriages have hills and valleys. Sometimes we are madly in love with each other and other times we look at each other and think what the heck have we done marrying that person. But then things switch around. Problems and challenges bring us closer. No matter what we are here for each other. That doesn't make it easy but it does make us a strong couple and family.

[scrappyhappymama]

It can be at times. Dh and I are both bright, capable oldest children by several years, so we expect to know how to handle situations correctly every time. Occasionally, how he thinks something should be handled is not how I think something should be handled. I would say I "give in" far more often than he does, but he might say the same thing. :tongue_smilie: Honestly, the Dr. Phil quote "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" goes through my head at least once every month or two.

 

We have been together 10 years and I still think being married to him is far easier than being married to anyone else would be. We don't have "raised voices" arguments, but we definitely disagree and I give in far more often than I would with anyone else (mostly because I would never give in to anyone else! :D)

 

ETA: For any MBTI people out there, we are both NTJ's. There is a. lot. of. talking. The discussion that follows a disagreement can last many hours and be totally exhausting, but it is worth it for both of us to "work through it." That part is hard, but it is absolutely necessary for us. It is always beneficial in the long run.

 

This is pretty much us as well. Except we do occasionally have raised voice "discussions." We're both first children and both stubborn and both tend to think we know how things should go. We've had some rough patches over the years, and a few cataclysmic ones that would have ended many marriages, but overall being forged in iron has made us strong and we just celebrated 20 years. With a new baby no less.

 

Fortunately the good times are really, really good and make the hard work worthwhile.

[redsquirrel]

Marriage isn't hard work for the two of us. The fact that being together was EASY was the clue that maybe we should get married. We are disgustingly well suited.

 

I am so glad for all our past relationships because they taught us what to look for in a partner. When we met, we both knew almost immediately that we were meant to be partners in life. So, it was love at first sight at age 30 :lol:

[Kelly1730]

 

 

Marriage is not work here and we are very, very close. His brother on the other hand is barely, just barely, a roomate with this wife and frankly, they don't divorce because it's just convenient to keep the finances together and then mostly avoid each other in their very large home, but play sort of, kind of nice, nice at family gatherings. It's actually quite sad because they think that their friends and family believe they are happily married and we ALL know differently. They aren't good actors.

 

 

 

 

Faith

 

We have friends who are in a marriage like this after 30 years and it's so sad for the rest of us to watch. I'm in the camp that purposeful, intentional marriage, like parenting, is hard work. We will be married 32 years in October and have had many, many good years and a handful of not-so-good. We have learned much through the not so good ones and are thankful to be on the other side of them. I will admit to reading many more parenting type books over the years than marriage books.:tongue_smilie: I could certainly be more intentional about my marriage. But that would take work, wouldn't it?;)

[Bluegoat]

Sometimes I find being married very hard work, other times it goes along very smoothly.

 

But I would be surprised to find many long-term elderly couples who have never had one of the "hard work" periods.

[garddwr]

I think marriage forces us to confront our own weaknesses and work to overcome selfishness, pettiness, or whatever other tendencies we have to put ourselves first. I don't know that I would say "this is hard work", but I do feel that I am constantly stretching to be more supportive, more kind, more understanding--I feel that marriage is a huge growth opportunity.

[Bluegoat]

ETA: For any MBTI people out there, we are both NTJ's. There is a. lot. of. talking. The discussion that follows a disagreement can last many hours and be totally exhausting, but it is worth it for both of us to "work through it." That part is hard, but it is absolutely necessary for us. It is always beneficial in the long run.

 

Ha! My dh is an INTJ. I often want to kick that J right out the door. (I'm an INTP, an altogether more reasonable type IMO.)

[Embassy]

It isn't hard work here. Dh and I are pretty similar and click quite well. Life has been rough at spots, but there have been very few times where I would classify something as "work".

[Bluegoat]

I know a lot of men who didn't think marriage (or parenting) would have down times, and at the first sign that it isn't easy and fun, think that this shows it isn't right for them.

 

 

My dh thought this. He actually thought that his parents never argued as well. He was surprised when the priest who married us told him it would be hard work!

[3browneyedboys4me]

I think it often depends on your expectations...and personalities. An easy marriage is not necessarily a healthy marriage.

[Guest]

The first time I heard marriage is hard work I was a teen in Home Ec. The teacher said, "Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do but it is also the most fun work you'll ever do."

 

I still hear this all the time. I read it in books, magazines, blogs, hear it TV, and from other people. Marriage is hard work. It's even harder than being a parent.

 

I just don't feel it. I don't feel that my marriage is hard work. Is it that my dh and I just click and get "it" whatever "it" is?

 

There are not many things we don't agree on. We both seem to roll with the flow, and overlook small annoyances.

 

So I wonder am I weird and have a marriage that is an exception to the rule of being hard? Or is my marriage like a lot of others and it just doesn't feel like hard work?

 

For the record I think that parenting is the hardest work I've ever done and do. My dh is my rock and helps me with this parenting stuff. Oh, I've been married 14 years if that makes a difference.

 

I have not read other replies.

 

I have always thought :confused: when I hear that. I don't think it's so terribly hard. There are *moments* when it seems like the grass would be greener on the single side of the fence, but they are fleeting and infrequent. People say you have to "work" at marriage, but I've never seen what it is that everyone is "working" at: are they working at not arguing? Are they working at making teA? Are they working at not slipping a little arsenic in the coffee? I don't know. I don't think marriage is so hard.

[Amber in SJ]

I guess it depends on how you define "work." If work is something to be dreaded or something you are forced to do that you don't want to do then, no, my marriage isn't hard work. If work can be a joy, rewarding, and something you look forward to everyday, then yes, my marriage can be work.

 

We have been married for 22 years. We have been together for 27 years. We rarely argue (even during home renovation.) We are best friends.

 

A great book I read about marriage & family relationships said, "You either married your greatest trial, or gave birth to it." I firmly believe this is true. My children are very challenging and if I didn't have that rock-solid shelter of my marriage, I wouldn't be able to cope. I also know people whose children are not defiant, or challenging, but they have spouse issues.

 

Amber in SJ

[LittleIzumi]

There are hard moments and hard times. But generally, no. It's lovely. :)

[Guest]

I'm also a Scorpio.

 

Dh and I are both Aries, which is supposed to be seriously bad news. That fire is handy for teA, though, no? :auto:

[BarbecueMom]

Ha! My dh is an INTJ. I often want to kick that J right out the door. (I'm an INTP, an altogether more reasonable type IMO.)

 

I'm an INTJ married to an INTJ. Problem solving is so natural to our personalities, that's probably why we don't see marriage as "hard work". Intertwining two lives together into one is a fascinating puzzle. Since our "feeling" sides are lacking, we tend to treat those little bumps in the road like an odd reaction in an experiment ("Huh, that's strange. How did that happen? How do we fix it?"). Most issues that come up get discussed and fixed in an emotional flatline.

[Nestof3]

Thinking about this more, it is definitely the kids that make it so much harder.

[The Girls' Mom]

I think personality is a huge factor. Dh and I were ridiculously young when we got married. I frankly didn't know what I was getting into! I love him more than any other man on this planet, but I find him difficult to live with sometimes. He is a good man. He just has personality traits that conflict with mine, more than I would like :) So, yes, I have to work to make my marriage happy. I have to work at not letting him irritate me because of my issues. I have to choose, every day, to make my marriage a good one.

[Kaleidoscope]

Ours is ridiculously hard. I was so disappointed at how hard it was. But dh also hasn't been working at it. His view was that the woman makes it work by doing the work. Ha! Not! He's come a long ways so that does make it a little bit easier. It's still hard though and I long for a vacation at times.

 

Of course it has absolutely nothing to do with loving him either... I love him, that's easy. The rest, not so easy.

[justamouse]

It can be at times. Dh and I are both bright, capable oldest children by several years, so we expect to know how to handle situations correctly every time. Occasionally, how he thinks something should be handled is not how I think something should be handled. I would say I "give in" far more often than he does, but he might say the same thing. :tongue_smilie: Honestly, the Dr. Phil quote "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" goes through my head at least once every month or two.

 

We have been together 10 years and I still think being married to him is far easier than being married to anyone else would be. We don't have "raised voices" arguments, but we definitely disagree and I give in far more often than I would with anyone else (mostly because I would never give in to anyone else! :D)

 

ETA: For any MBTI people out there, we are both NTJ's. There is a. lot. of. talking. The discussion that follows a disagreement can last many hours and be totally exhausting, but it is worth it for both of us to "work through it." That part is hard, but it is absolutely necessary for us. It is always beneficial in the long run.

 

:D I'm an INFJ and Dh is an INTP

[KatA]

At the moment, no our marriage isn't hard work. But I'm a horrible communicator, so our marriage suffers when I bottle up my emotions and vent it out in other ways. He's the one that constantly tries to keep the communication lines open. So, I think marriage entirely depends on the personalities involved. If both are willing to believe in the basic good and fundamental love of the other person, any feelings or hurt can be easy to let go and leave behind.

 

I would be one of those people who has said the "marriage is hard work" statement. It depends on how you define the word "hard." Humbling, maybe. Someone who knows you completely to know when you're full of it. At times, yes it hard to swallow my pride and admit I'm wrong. I don't want to break up the cold ice of an argument and let go of my emotions. But that is my flaw and because of that, our marriage is hard work at times.

 

With all that said, I have a deeper love and respect for my husband than I did when we got married. I love that man. And because of that our momentary squabbles are quickly realized for what they are... communication issues.

 

Easy mostly and hard at times. Comfortable and content all the time.

[Parrothead]

It is today. It was this past weekend. But mostly we are on a pretty even keel.

[zookeeper]

If both are willing to believe in the basic good and fundamental love of the other person, any feelings or hurt can be easy to let go and leave behind.

 

 

And when one of them loses this, it becomes torturous. :crying:

[the4Rs]

Yes. Hard work. Anything that is important in your life will require your time and attention and is therefore work. That does not necessarily mean hard work with a bad connotation to it...I simply mean work.

 

I've had jobs I've loved and enjoyed the work and I've had jobs I've hated. Guess it depends on how we view our marriages.

 

My husband and I go through seasons of good and seasons of hard... some require more sacrificial work than others. We are two people with different personalities and both battling our sin natures. It is to be expected. ;)

[whitestavern]

I don't find my marriage hard work at all...and I highly doubt dh would say it was either. Both of us would agree, however, that parenthood is very difficult and requires a lot of work.

[gardenmom5]

I've been married for 30 years. Most of it I would consider fairly easy - some of it was pretty darn hard due to circumstances beyond our control putting enormous stress on us and eventually straining the relationship. we chose to stay together and are glad we did.

 

I know I would hear "marriage is a 50/50 proposition" a lot. that I consider a crock. somedays, you have nothing to give and your spouse gives all - and some days your spouse has nothing to give and you give all. I think that may be part of what is referred to as "hard work". marriage requires give-and-take and some people are NOT willing to do that.

[Mom-ninja.]

I just asked dh if he considers marriage hard work. His reply, "Nah, not at all. I 100% contribute that to my awesomeness."

 

 

:lol:

[BarbecueMom]

I just asked dh if he considers marriage hard work. His reply, "Nah, not at all. I 100% contribute that to my awesomeness."

 

 

:lol:

 

Oh my, that sounds exactly like what my DH would say. And he would probably add something on about ninja skills. :lol:

[Wildcat]

.

Edited January 6, 2023 by Wildcat

[6packofun]

Much of the time, yes! I think it's because we're both human, but what do I know. LOL

 

I don't find humans to be naturally others-centered, willing to compromise, sacrificial, loving in a way that is for the betterment of everyone but him or herself...so no, I wouldn't EXPECT marriage to be easy. I'm sure selflessness and happiness/contentment regardless of circumstance comes much easier for some people, though. Those are things at which I must make a concentrated effort and it IS hard! But easier because I love him.

 

I also think that the hard work is NOT always or even usually unpleasant! Hard work does not = drudgery and misery. LOL Depends on one's perspective.

[Haiku]

Sometimes it's hard work. But if it's usually hard work, then I think there is a problem.

 

Living with someone for years on end is bound to produce some irritations or full-on problems sometimes. I don't see this as a bad thing; it just depends on how well the couple is able to work things out. Marriage doesn't have to be completely devoid of issues to be great.

 

Tara

[Shawndrese]

Oh my, that sounds exactly like what my DH would say. And he would probably add something on about ninja skills. :lol:

 

:lol: Haha...my husband likes to think he's a ninja too!

[fraidycat]

At times, it can be. Not always. There are hills and valleys.

 

Maybe I would say that it's not *hard* work, but it does require intention. We can easily slip in to a rut of taking it other for granted, so need to a self-check once in awhile to make sure we are intentionally giving our spouse what they need in the emotional needs department.