Is marriage hard work?

[Mom-ninja.]

The first time I heard marriage is hard work I was a teen in Home Ec. The teacher said, "Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do but it is also the most fun work you'll ever do."

 

I still hear this all the time. I read it in books, magazines, blogs, hear it TV, and from other people. Marriage is hard work. It's even harder than being a parent.

 

I just don't feel it. I don't feel that my marriage is hard work. Is it that my dh and I just click and get "it" whatever "it" is?

 

There are not many things we don't agree on. We both seem to roll with the flow, and overlook small annoyances.

 

So I wonder am I weird and have a marriage that is an exception to the rule of being hard? Or is my marriage like a lot of others and it just doesn't feel like hard work?

 

For the record I think that parenting is the hardest work I've ever done and do. My dh is my rock and helps me with this parenting stuff. Oh, I've been married 14 years if that makes a difference.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Kleine Hexe

[AvasMom]

It depends. It requires the ability to be unselfish and think of someone else at least as often as you think of yourself. If that is difficult for a person then marriage will be difficult but then so will parenting, working at a job, driving on the roads with others, etc, etc, etc.

[nono]

If you are married to me it is....

[lionfamily1999]

I would say it can be hard, it seems to me that the best people can be very hard to like at times.

 

Parenting seems harder, but there is a point when your dc are no longer living under your feet/ at your elbow. So it is short term harder.

 

Jmho.

[DianeW88]

Not for me. Don't know what my dh would say. :lol:

 

In all seriousness, we really get along well. We don't argue or fight, and we seem to always have the same viewpoint on most matters. That has made it easy for us.

[Desert Rat]

It has periods of hard work, I think. Dh and I were married 6 years before our first fight. We are so truly compatible. It wasn't until we had children that we started having disagreements. Plus, the extra stress that comes along with new humans in the house. The first few years after each baby were terrible for our marriage. We had some reconnecting and rebuilding to do.

Because we do get along so well, we sometimes become complacent. Then wake up and realize that it's been a long time since we've doted on each other and shown our appreciation for each other. That take work and remembering!

I've always said that marriage isn't a 50/50 split. There are times when I can't hold up my end of the marriage. Then it's more like 20/80. Same goes for him. It takes work to see past the tough times and know that it will get better. And it takes work to stick around and make sure that it get better.

Most the time though, my marriage is easy peasy. :)

[----]

.

[justamouse]

Dh and I are both very strong personalities. He's an aries and I'm a scorpio if that matters to anyone. It used to send the horoscopy people I know into maniacal laughter.

 

We love each other tremendously, we are also driven and completely type A. So yes, our marriage is hard, but it's also very sweet and very satisfying. I would have chewed up and spit out most of the men I dated, I had no respect for them. So I'm with nono, it is if you're married to me! :D

[elfgivas]

i think to do it well is work. it involves being intentional, and the more intentional we can be, the better the results.

 

that said, i don't think marriage per se is hard work, but a good and healthy marriage is.

 

it means taking care of myself, getting to know myself, working to embody the values i hold dear, working to make sure that my actions reflect those values. it means being responsible, fighting fair, admitting i'm wrong sometimes. it means doing some things i'd rather not do (dishes and laundry come to mind) and doing them cheerfully and well. it means not saying negative things about dh to others, even when that would be honest and true (which blessedly is not so often).

 

most times of most days, that is all now automatic, but it wasn't in the beginning.

 

fwiw,

ann

[Mom-ninja.]

If you are married to me it is....

 

Ha! :lol:

[Danestress]

The hard parts probably spring up late in life for some people. It is hard to care for someone with alzheimer's disease. That can make an easy marriage suddenly hard. It is hard to be a spouse through long term unemployment. I have not found marriage to be particularly hard work. But I believe it could become that, and I think marriage is an act of faith in your own ability to step up to it.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Danestress

[BarbecueMom]

The first time I heard marriage is hard work I was a teen in Home Ec. The teacher said, "Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do but it is also the most fun work you'll ever do."

 

I still hear this all the time. I read it in books, magazines, blogs, hear it TV, and from other people. Marriage is hard work. It's even harder than being a parent.

 

I just don't feel it. I don't feel that my marriage is hard work. Is it that my dh and I just click and get "it" whatever "it" is?

 

There are not many things we don't agree on. We both seem to roll with the flow, and overlook small annoyances.

 

So I wonder am I weird and have a marriage that is an exception to the rule of being hard? Or is my marriage like a lot of others and it just doesn't feel like hard work?

 

For the record I think that parenting is the hardest work I've ever done and do. My dh is my rock and helps me with this parenting stuff. Oh, I've been married 14 years if that makes a difference.

 

I told DH almost the exact same thing the other day, right down to the parenting part. Even in high school, when we were dating, the things that tripped up and ended most relationships just never seemed to matter to us. We've been together for 13 years and married for 7. I know in my head the things that could come up that could make marriage needing work, but maybe just being aware of it seems to stave things off.

 

ETA: We're also both extremely goofy and difficult to offend. We can have an entire conversation in movie quotes. If I had a dime for everytime I made a suggestion and DH says, "Do you really think it matters, Eddie?" I wouldn't have to worry about saving for college.

Edited July 18, 2012 by BarbecueMom

[Element]

It can be at times. Dh and I are both bright, capable oldest children by several years, so we expect to know how to handle situations correctly every time. Occasionally, how he thinks something should be handled is not how I think something should be handled. I would say I "give in" far more often than he does, but he might say the same thing. :tongue_smilie: Honestly, the Dr. Phil quote "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" goes through my head at least once every month or two.

 

We have been together 10 years and I still think being married to him is far easier than being married to anyone else would be. We don't have "raised voices" arguments, but we definitely disagree and I give in far more often than I would with anyone else (mostly because I would never give in to anyone else! :D)

 

ETA: For any MBTI people out there, we are both NTJ's. There is a. lot. of. talking. The discussion that follows a disagreement can last many hours and be totally exhausting, but it is worth it for both of us to "work through it." That part is hard, but it is absolutely necessary for us. It is always beneficial in the long run.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Element

[Wheres Toto]

My first marriage was hard.

 

My second marriage was hard in the beginning when we were still getting used to each other and working out step-parenting issues. Now, it's pretty easy. I think it's because dh and I are both very laid back people. We don't worry about winning or who's right or wrong.

 

I find parenting much much harder. :tongue_smilie:

[I.Dup.]

It has been hard for us. We married at 19 and 20, when I was 5 months pregnant and we had only known each other for 8 months. :blink: Soooo we didn't exactly go into marriage in the right way. Shotgun wedding is a good way of putting it.

 

BUT we are going on 11 years, so we have worked things out. There is still baggage from past issues we have dealt with (growing up together, making hurtful decisions, etc)

[Mom-ninja.]

i think to do it well is work. it involves being intentional, and the more intentional we can be, the better the results.

 

that said, i don't think marriage per se is hard work, but a good and healthy marriage is.

 

it means taking care of myself, getting to know myself, working to embody the values i hold dear, working to make sure that my actions reflect those values. it means being responsible, fighting fair, admitting i'm wrong sometimes. it means doing some things i'd rather not do (dishes and laundry come to mind) and doing them cheerfully and well. it means not saying negative things about dh to others, even when that would be honest and true (which blessedly is not so often).

 

most times of most days, that is all now automatic, but it wasn't in the beginning.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

The bolded is what I disagree with in regards to *my* marriage. I have a great marriage. It's not hard work for me.

 

All the things you mentioned above I do, but it isn't work....it's not hard for me.

 

I appreciate my dh and show him often, but it's not work for me to do so. I enjoy doing it. I enjoy doing things for him. I don't talk about my husband negatively to others...I just don't have a desire to so it's not work for me not to. Make sense?

 

I always think of things from dh's point of view as well as my own. I don't feel like that is work. It is hard work for me to see things from my dc's point of view!

 

I don't know. I bristle when I hear that a good, healthy marriage is hard work. It's the same when I hear that a couple *has* to have date nights or their marriage will suffer. That's just not the case with me, and I can't be the only one.

 

I often wonder if the strong opinion of individualism and the right to "me" time contributes to marriage being hard work.

[Mommy_of_4]

Dh and I's marriage is great and I don't think it is hard work at all. We just go with the flow really. Never have really argued either.

[~Tara~]

When one partner has depression, it's a lot of work.

 

Yes, yes it is. And I have been seeing that from the other side lately.

 

Otherwise, we, also, have been that couple that just has 'it'. We have had a great marriage. It seems easy.

 

However, at the same time, we each have our struggles and weaknesses. Putting the other first in our marriage is a daily decision.

 

I also agree with this (sorry, I am multi-quote inept):

i think to do it well is work. it involves being intentional, and the more intentional we can be, the better the results.

 

that said, i don't think marriage per se is hard work, but a good and healthy marriage is.

 

It is not excruciatingly hard work. But I would say it is 'work' because it requires a conscious effort. No matter how well you get along, no matter how much you like one another. We all still have that selfish natural desire. Some more than others.

 

But definitely when one suffers from depression...it is a whole different ballgame. As I am sure it is when one suffers from any serious illness. :)

[Carrie12345]

I *adore* my dh (most days, lol) but still find marriage to be hard work. The first couple of years were very rough, and we went through a lot.

 

Now it's hard to balance his needs with my needs and 5 kids' needs. It's even harder to add the house's needs to that! It's hard to make time to talk. It can be hard to support his career. It's nearly impossible to deal with his family of origin. :tongue_smilie:

 

But it's still a great marriage, imo!

[nono]

So I'm with nono, it is if you're married to me! :D

 

I'm also a Scorpio.

[LaxMom]

My first marriage was hard.

 

 

Mine was, too, and my ex used to tell me "marriage is hard work" all the time. What that meant, in reality, was that I should hunker down and make it work, while he brought nothing to the table, or worked against me.

 

i think to do it well is work. it involves being intentional, and the more intentional we can be, the better the results.

 

that said, i don't think marriage per se is hard work, but a good and healthy marriage is.

 

it means taking care of myself, getting to know myself, working to embody the values i hold dear, working to make sure that my actions reflect those values. it means being responsible, fighting fair, admitting i'm wrong sometimes. it means doing some things i'd rather not do (dishes and laundry come to mind) and doing them cheerfully and well. it means not saying negative things about dh to others, even when that would be honest and true (which blessedly is not so often).

 

most times of most days, that is all now automatic, but it wasn't in the beginning.

 

fwiw,

ann

I agree, particularly with the bolded. My husband and I have been through some seriously rough patches. What makes our marriage successful now is that we are intentional, and that makes us connected. And that makes it pretty darn easy.

[Denisemomof4]

At times it is hard work, yes. A problem free marriage is NOT a sign of a healthy marriage IMO. There ARE married couples who do fine in the midst of turmoil but I wouldn't want anyone to feel their marriage isn't up to par because it has it's struggles sprinkled through out their history. Most people married long term do admit to ups and downs in their marriages.

 

My marriage suffered from years of caretaking of dying family members and friends. Dh and I were just too burnt out to have time for each other. My mentally ill kids have taken their toll. BUT, dh and I are as strong as ever now, 25 years later, 23 married. Our trials bring us closer together. I am sure we will be together until death separates us. We are best friends!

 

Here are some statistics we have had to battle against:

 

Divorce rate in Aspie marriages, 80%

divorce rate after head injury: i forget but dh was BEYOND patient with me. i think it was 50%

divorce rate after adopting a RAD kid: i posted it before, it is 70% or 80%

 

My friend married right after high school. She had a problem free marriage but it was due to lack of communication. They never once argued. She was beyond shell shocked when he told her he was leaving her years later. She is still scarred decadez later and never remarried.

 

Our marriage has been work and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

[Mom-ninja.]

The hard parts probably spring up late in life for some people. It is hard to care for someone with alzheimer's disease. That can make an easy marriage suddenly hard. It is hard to be a spouse through long term unemployment. I have not found marriage to be particularly hard work. But I believe it could become that, and I think marriage is an act of faith in your own biliary to step up to it.

 

Absolutely. Those things would be very hard.

 

 

 

It has been hard for us. We married at 19 and 20, when I was 5 months pregnant and we had only known each other for 8 months. :blink: Soooo we didn't exactly go into marriage in the right way. Shotgun wedding is a good way of putting it.

 

 

 

Dh and married after 6 months of meeting each other. It wasn't a shot gun wedding though. Many people suspected it was, and even asked when I was due. Nope, wasn't pg just madly insanely in love. :D

[littlebug42]

I have been married to dh for almost 14 years and they have been the easiest, most peaceful years of my life.

[nono]

Same here. I don't think there is anything unhealthy about my marriage and it's not hard work. I'm not saying life is never hard, but my marriage is not hard. In fact, it's one of the few things that hasn't been difficult in my life.

 

That is so interesting that you say that. I am the flip side of that coin. I always say to myself, "Eh, everything else in your life is easy, something has to be difficult." (referring to my marriage) Thing is, if you ask either of us, we would say we like being married and think we chose the right person. Well dh says he chose the right person for "stretching and growth." :lol:

[elegantlion]

Our marriage is hard work......

Edited July 18, 2012 by elegantlion

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Dh and I are both very strong personalities. He's an aries and I'm a scorpio if that matters to anyone. It used to send the horoscopy people I know into maniacal laughter.

 

 

 

:lol::lol: I'm the aries and dh is the scorpio.

 

For me, marriage is hard work. I didn't get married until I was almost 33, and I had thoroughly enjoyed being single. So, it was a huge adjustment for me. And dh and I have totally different ideas about household things, so that is work. And dh is the pickiest eater on the planet, so that is hard work. I'm a hormonal control freak much of the time, so I'm sure dh thinks it's hard work getting along with me sometimes, too. :D

[EmilyK]

I think the people who emphasize it is hard work are trying to prepare one or both partners for the fact that there may be times that they want out, but if they work at it, the marraige may be good and worth it.

 

One of the hardest things, I think, on marriages is the popular culture image that a happy marraige is always romantic and "first in love" feeling. I'm glad for people who have that, but I don't think it is true for most, and yet, marriages can be very happy. I know a lot of men who didn't think marriage (or parenting) would have down times, and at the first sign that it isn't easy and fun, think that this shows it isn't right for them.

 

Like most of our friends, my husband and I are 50ish and have been married for 20+ years. There does seem to be a season of mid life crises that we have seen over the last 5 to 10 years. I wish more of the men involved thought there was work they needed to do, rather than bailing because it isn't as fun as they'd like. JMO.

[Denisemomof4]

Absolutely. My husband and I depend on each other a lot for certain things. It would be a real challenge if we couldn't do those things anymore.

 

SO true. Dh and I are like the different parts working one body.

[HappyCrazyMama]

The first time I heard marriage is hard work I was a teen in Home Ec. The teacher said, "Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do but it is also the most fun work you'll ever do."

 

I still hear this all the time. I read it in books, magazines, blogs, hear it TV, and from other people. Marriage is hard work. It's even harder than being a parent.

 

I just don't feel it. I don't feel that my marriage is hard work. Is it that my dh and I just click and get "it" whatever "it" is?

 

There are not many things we don't agree on. We both seem to roll with the flow, and overlook small annoyances.

 

So I wonder am I weird and have a marriage that is an exception to the rule of being hard? Or is my marriage like a lot of others and it just doesn't feel like hard work?

 

For the record I think that parenting is the hardest work I've ever done and do. My dh is my rock and helps me with this parenting stuff. Oh, I've been married 14 years if that makes a difference.

:iagree: I think you just described us and our marriage and I don't know what it is. I don't believe it is age either we were married at 20 and have now been married 20 years.:)

 

that said, i don't think marriage per se is hard work, but a good and healthy marriage is.

The bolded is what I disagree with in regards to *my* marriage. I have a great marriage. It's not hard work for me.

 

All the things you mentioned above I do, but it isn't work....it's not hard for me.

 

I appreciate my dh and show him often, but it's not work for me to do so. I enjoy doing it. I enjoy doing things for him. I don't talk about my husband negatively to others...I just don't have a desire to so it's not work for me not to. Make sense?

 

I always think of things from dh's point of view as well as my own. I don't feel like that is work. It is hard work for me to see things from my dc's point of view!

 

I don't know. I bristle when I hear that a good, healthy marriage is hard work. It's the same when I hear that a couple *has* to have date nights or their marriage will suffer. That's just not the case with me, and I can't be the only one.

 

I often wonder if the strong opinion of individualism and the right to "me" time contributes to marriage being hard work.

 

:iagree:I bristle when I hear that too. My marriage is awesome and I have no idea why, it just is without hard work and intentional effort.:tongue_smilie: I don't talk negatively about him either, it would be too hard to think of something to say.:D I do think it is an exception but works for me!:) I always say I'm not qualified to give out marriage advice, I don't know how to help people get along, understand each other etc.

[alpidarkomama]

I've never felt it was hard work either. I get up in the morning and my first thought is how can I make his day a little better, and his first thought is how can he make mine a little better. We have no problem discussing things and coming to an agreement; neither of us ever feels like we're compromising. Just very compatible, I guess!

[Impish]

Well...

 

Before we met, Wolf was into adrenaline sports.

 

Now that he's married to me, there's none of that.

 

Apparently, marriage to me is death defying enough for him to get his adrenaline fix. When he really needs a jolt, he makes some wise ack remark, and then runs for his life.

 

There are times when it's hard. Yeah. When we've been so broke we didn't know which end is up. Learning about RSD, and that I was never going to recover and be healthy and whole ever again. Def some times of hard slogging, where it was work to get through, to stick it out, when in some ways, leaving would have been less work, at least at first glance.

 

I know when going through the whole RSD dx and everything, we evolved into basically roommates who shared kids. It took work to change that.

 

So, it's not hard work every day. But there are days...

[Mom-ninja.]

Same here. I don't think there is anything unhealthy about my marriage and it's not hard work. I'm not saying life is never hard, but my marriage is not hard. In fact, it's one of the few things that hasn't been difficult in my life.

 

I agree. Life is hard but my marriage makes those hard times bearable.

 

Yes, dh and I have had a few big spats. I see that as part of what life dealt us. We figured it out.

[justamouse]

:lol::lol: I'm the aries and dh is the scorpio.

 

Thank you-We're not alone!

[Chris in VA]

I think it depends on your definition of work.

 

I think it's easy to settle for "good enough" and skate thru years together without getting down and dirty and delving into the sensitive areas that might mean great rewards of intimacy. I see a lot of women who think their marriage is great but don't impress me because it's basically two people who live together, have s#x on occasion, and enjoy time together, but don't ever share deeply or feel they can be absolutely honest/real with each other, often saving that for girlfriends. That may be good enough for them, but it's not the intimate marriage I want. To me, it's work to sift thru the past and identify where my own patterns of living have come from; knowing what influences shaped me and choosing whether or not to continue in the same vein helps me grow. To apply that to my marriage is work, if you define work as intentional effort.

 

Work, to me, doesn't imply doing something that is unpleasant or overly difficult--it's more intention, as I said.

 

But that's me. I don't mean to say that the "other" kind of "good marriage" isn't enough for other people. It just isn't for me. It's quite specific to the couple, isn't it?

[Mom-ninja.]

I think the people who emphasize it is hard work are trying to prepare one or both partners for the fact that there may be times that they want out, but if they work at it, the marraige may be good and worth it.

 

One of the hardest things, I think, on marriages is the popular culture image that a happy marraige is always romantic and "first in love" feeling. I'm glad for people who have that, but I don't think it is true for most, and yet, marriages can be very happy. I know a lot of men who didn't think marriage (or parenting) would have down times, and at the first sign that it isn't easy and fun, think that this shows it isn't right for them.

 

Like most of our friends, my husband and I are 50ish and have been married for 20+ years. There does seem to be a season of mid life crises that we have seen over the last 5 to 10 years. I wish more of the men involved thought there was work they needed to do, rather than bailing because it isn't as fun as they'd like. JMO.

 

:iagree: Dh and I talked about this before we married. We both seem to understand that marriage is not that fluttery feeling you have when you're first together.

 

I saw my dad go through a midlife crisis, and I will say that my mom did carry much to blame. She would disagree with me. However, even as a teen I saw that what my mom was doing was not the way to treat a spouse.

 

 

 

 

I've never felt it was hard work either. I get up in the morning and my first thought is how can I make his day a little better, and his first thought is how can he make mine a little better. We have no problem discussing things and coming to an agreement; neither of us ever feels like we're compromising. Just very compatible, I guess!

 

It's the same with dh and I. He is leaving for a fun weekend trip with his best friend tomorrow. The first thing I thought of this morning was that I should wash all his laundry so he can pack what he'd like to take.

 

Dh will ask me just about every day if there's anything I need for him to do. Sometimes he just knows. He has this magical ability to know when to come home bearing chocolate and wine. :D

[Mom in High Heels]

When one partner has depression' date=' it's a lot of work.[/quote']

 

Oh, this. James Bond and I have dealt with depression, PTSD and ADHD (all him). There are days when it's hard because it's difficult for me to see what he's going through and it's hard for him to see what I deal with during his bad days. He's been on meds for a while now and things have improved greatly, but there are still days when it's not as easy to like him as other days. I'm sure he'd say the same about me. ;) I'm not an easy person to live with, so kudos for him on that front.

 

We also have the added stresses of military life, which I'm sure the other military spouses can tell you, are many. We deal with moving every few years (which is a complete pain in the arse), the stress of him being away for extended periods from 1 week to 1 year) and the very real fear that he may not come home. He's gone for an entire year right now and there are days when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind and so does he. We've had years though where he didn't deploy but was still gone for 1-2 weeks every single month. He griped an moaned about it, but he was staying in really nice hotels with maid service and getting to eat out every night. It was hard for me to feel sorry for him. :glare:

 

Of course we joke that the fact that he's gone so much is probably why we're still married. When he retires and we actually have to live together all the time we'll probably kill each other.

 

We've been married for 17 years, BTW. I wouldn't say it's been extremely hard so far, but it hasn't been movie/TV marriage where everything is amazing and the house is always clean and candles burn while we eat dinner and stare into each others eyes.

[EKS]

I don't find marriage to be hard work at all.

 

Nor do I find parenting to be overly difficult.

 

Being a homeschooling parent, that's hardest work I've ever done.

[jelbe5]

If you are married to me it is....

 

:iagree: (and so would my dh! :D)

 

I am an only and somewhat used to getting my own way. Living with ANYONE is work for me and for others! :tongue_smilie: My dh is first-born and can be stubborn but he is way more easy-going than I am (although I have mellowed out over the years).

 

I brought many "issues" into our marriage. Happily, my dh hung in there and we went through several years of counseling. I am so grateful he was willing to do that.

 

We are one another's best friend, which really really helps. But we do clash sometimes. Usually it is not "hard work" these days, but once in a while it is. It seems to go in cycles. Usually we get along very well and then sometimes we disagree and seem to rub one another the wrong way.

 

We also have a son with special needs which is an added stress. The divorce rate for couples with special needs children is very high. Fortunately we have hung in there and are closer because of it. I believe our faith and common goals and interests helps cement things, too.

Edited July 18, 2012 by jelbe5

[laughing lioness]

Def some times of hard slogging, where it was work to get through, to stick it out, when in some ways, leaving would have been less work, at least at first glance.

 

So, it's not hard work every day. But there are days

 

...

 

:iagree:We are at the age where some of our friends are still married (from those we meet in college and the first 10 years after college) and some of them aren't. Those that aren't are bitter and divorced, or re-married and in lala land, totally disconnected from thier kids, who often despise them, their bitter other parent, or both. They take the money the parent dishes out and dis-engage.

 

Of those that are still married some of them are still very engaged and actively invovled in each other's lives.

 

The others lead seperate lives under the same roof. Several of those marriages don't engage in s*x with each other (for some reason I look like I want to know about people's intimate lives:blush:); sometimes the $ is totally seperate, often times they have seperate lives/friends/social circles. So..legally married but emotionally not. In the M.F.T. world we call that a psuedo-marriage (though my dh calls it an empty marraige (he's seen a few in his 25 yrs as a shrink)

 

Hard work- yes. Intentionality and committment- double yes.

[lovinmomma]

Mine was, too, and my ex used to tell me "marriage is hard work" all the time. What that meant, in reality, was that I should hunker down and make it work, while he brought nothing to the table, or worked against me.

 

 

 

:iagree: :grouphug: I hear ya!

[lovinmomma]

At times it is hard work, yes. A problem free marriage is NOT a sign of a healthy marriage IMO. There ARE married couples who do fine in the midst of turmoil but I wouldn't want anyone to feel their marriage isn't up to par because it has it's struggles sprinkled through out their history. Most people married long term do admit to ups and downs in their marriages.

 

My marriage suffered from years of caretaking of dying family members and friends. Dh and I were just too burnt out to have time for each other. My mentally ill kids have taken their toll. BUT, dh and I are as strong as ever now, 25 years later, 23 married. Our trials bring us closer together. I am sure we will be together until death separates us. We are best friends!

 

Here are some statistics we have had to battle against:

 

Divorce rate in Aspie marriages, 80%

divorce rate after head injury: i forget but dh was BEYOND patient with me. i think it was 50%

divorce rate after adopting a RAD kid: i posted it before, it is 70% or 80%

My friend married right after high school. She had a problem free marriage but it was due to lack of communication. They never once argued. She was beyond shell shocked when he told her he was leaving her years later. She is still scarred decadez later and never remarried.

 

Our marriage has been work and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

 

:iagree: Specifically, I agree with and understand the bolded parts.

[lovinmomma]

A

Dh and married after 6 months of meeting each other. It wasn't a shot gun wedding though. Many people suspected it was, and even asked when I was due. Nope, wasn't pg just madly insanely in love. :D

 

Awww...I love that part.

[RoundAbout]

 

We also have the added stresses of military life, which I'm sure the other military spouses can tell you, are many. We deal with moving every few years (which is a complete pain in the arse), the stress of him being away for extended periods from 1 week to 1 year) and the very real fear that he may not come home.

 

:iagree:

 

In 6 years we've done 5 deployments and I have a 5 year-old. Missed birth, missed birthdays, all of that stuff. Added into *my* stress is the stress of the active duty partner and their emotionally draining and highly dangerous job. Their guilt at not being able to help when things go awry at home, and often being cut out of family decision making out of simple necessity.

 

We have a great marriage going for 15+ years and have fortunately not had to deal with some of the really bad things in life like death, disability, or extended unemployment. It's not always work, but sometimes... yeah.

[lovinmomma]

I'm a hormonal control freak much of the time, so I'm sure dh thinks it's hard work getting along with me sometimes, too. :D

 

Gah! That's hilarious. :lol:

[lovinmomma]

I think it depends on your definition of work.

 

I think it's easy to settle for "good enough" and skate thru years together without getting down and dirty and delving into the sensitive areas that might mean great rewards of intimacy. I see a lot of women who think their marriage is great but don't impress me because it's basically two people who live together, have s#x on occasion, and enjoy time together, but don't ever share deeply or feel they can be absolutely honest/real with each other, often saving that for girlfriends. That may be good enough for them, but it's not the intimate marriage I want. To me, it's work to sift thru the past and identify where my own patterns of living have come from; knowing what influences shaped me and choosing whether or not to continue in the same vein helps me grow. To apply that to my marriage is work, if you define work as intentional effort.

 

Work, to me, doesn't imply doing something that is unpleasant or overly difficult--it's more intention, as I said.

 

But that's me. I don't mean to say that the "other" kind of "good marriage" isn't enough for other people. It just isn't for me. It's quite specific to the couple, isn't it?

 

Very well said!

[lovinmomma]

:iagree: Dh and I talked about this before we married. We both seem to understand that marriage is not that fluttery feeling you have when you're first together.

 

I saw my dad go through a midlife crisis, and I will say that my mom did carry much to blame. She would disagree with me. However, even as a teen I saw that what my mom was doing was not the way to treat a spouse.

 

It's the same with dh and I. He is leaving for a fun weekend trip with his best friend tomorrow. The first thing I thought of this morning was that I should wash all his laundry so he can pack what he'd like to take.

 

Dh will ask me just about every day if there's anything I need for him to do. Sometimes he just knows. He has this magical ability to know when to come home bearing chocolate and wine. :D

 

I agree with the bolded part, but it is sad to me when I see (and experience) marriages that have NO spark left. They are just friends living in a house together possibly raising children together. Many of them don't even kiss anymore. It's a very sad place to be.

[Desert Rat]

Aw! We were crazy, madly in love, too. We moved in together after 2 weeks. That's weeks-not months or years. Yes. I still apologize to my parents. Often.

 

As for marriage being work, well the word "work" implies something you don't like to do. I do enjoy working on my marriage. It doesn't mean it's something I have to do or don't want to do. Just something takes effort. That can be positive work effort.

[lovinmomma]

Aw! We were crazy, madly in love, too. We moved in together after 2 weeks. That's weeks-not months or years. Yes. I still apologize to my parents. Often.

 

As for marriage being work, well the word "work" implies something you don't like to do. I do enjoy working on my marriage. It doesn't mean it's something I have to do or don't want to do. Just something takes effort. That can be positive work effort.

 

:001_wub::001_wub::001_wub: I love that. Who says that things are supposed to be easy? I'm kinda weird because I LIKE a little bit of excitement and disagreement every once in awhile. lol

[TranquilMind]

The first time I heard marriage is hard work I was a teen in Home Ec. The teacher said, "Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do but it is also the most fun work you'll ever do."

 

I still hear this all the time. I read it in books, magazines, blogs, hear it TV, and from other people. Marriage is hard work. It's even harder than being a parent.

 

I just don't feel it. I don't feel that my marriage is hard work. Is it that my dh and I just click and get "it" whatever "it" is?

 

There are not many things we don't agree on. We both seem to roll with the flow, and overlook small annoyances.

 

So I wonder am I weird and have a marriage that is an exception to the rule of being hard? Or is my marriage like a lot of others and it just doesn't feel like hard work?

 

For the record I think that parenting is the hardest work I've ever done and do. My dh is my rock and helps me with this parenting stuff. Oh, I've been married 14 years if that makes a difference.

Not for me. Probably hard for my husband.

 

Now PARENTING IS HARD!!!