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Is marriage hard work?


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I'm an INTJ married to an INTJ. Problem solving is so natural to our personalities, that's probably why we don't see marriage as "hard work". Intertwining two lives together into one is a fascinating puzzle. Since our "feeling" sides are lacking, we tend to treat those little bumps in the road like an odd reaction in an experiment ("Huh, that's strange. How did that happen? How do we fix it?"). Most issues that come up get discussed and fixed in an emotional flatline.

 

This is true most of the time for dh and I. More for me though. The difficulty is, when something really gets beyond my rational processes, I can really freak out. I'm not alway in touch enough with whatever my emotions are to make a rational decision about them, if that makes sense.

 

Dh has learned to work with it though.

 

The main conflict I find is he wants things to be planned out most of the time and sees things as good or bad. I rarely see things as good or bad and like to delay decisions until they are required.

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Some kids are easier to raise. They just are.

 

I also think some people are easier to be married to. I don't mean to sound too sure, because unexpected things can make marriage (and life) suddenly hard. So .... Unjinx! But my dh is just sort of easy. He has had luck with career stability - hard work too, but luck or blessings also. He is stable and even keel. He has a much higher than average (for a man) ability and desire to establish intimacy through talking. So I don't have to work hard to make that happen. I don't know - I just think he is an easy person. He is intellectually curious, very healthy, hilarious and kind. Just not challenging, so far.

 

And while there are frustrating things about me, I am basically cool tempered, thoughtful, not moody. I haven't had a lot of physical problems, I am not super emotional. I don't know - maybe it is because we both came from basically stable, affectionate families. We have had some disagreement and negative passion as well as positive, but overall, we just have a lot of friendship and love sort of easily available on the surface, iykwim.

 

I don't think we are "settling" for something second best. I actually just think that we are incredibly lucky that we fell in love and stayed in love for 19 years.

 

Eta: and I am not saying that it isn't work. Just that I would not characterize it as hard.

Edited by Danestress
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I, too, am baffled by that concept. Marriage has never been work for me. Although I think I'm pretty hard to be married to, my dh says that marriage isn't work for him either.

 

This is not a comment on other people's marriages, though. I just don't have that experience, but then, they also don't have mine. I think comparing people's marriages is treading on dangerous ground. It creates all sorts of negative feelings - competition, unrealistic expectations. I think it wise to remember that you can never get the whole story by just looking at the cover.

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Ok, so I just have to say that in the US there is a 50% divorce rate. So obviously there is work involved in there some where. It doesn't come easy for everyone. I have had to work dang hard at our marriage. We have dealt with unemployment, miscarriage, depression, and crazy inlaws. All in the first month of being married. We have worked quite hard to get to where we are today after 9 years of marriage, 5 kids, and moving like crazy. I wouldn't trade any of it, because it made me into a very strong person and blessed with a strong marriage. He has always been my best friend, but we had to work through cultural issues, and insecurities from being raised in crazy families. I KNOW I am not the only one, because I have friends who have ended in divorce, and family who have struggled too. You have to always make time for eachother, always talk to eachother....not because you have to, but because you want to. Reality is, you are two people coming together intimately from completely different backgrounds, and sometimes it takes a lot of rewriting your future from how you have been raised. I just had to say something, because to think that I am the only one on here that has issues is going to drive me mad.

 

Maybe this has something to do with dh and I not feeling the work. We come from remarkably similar backgrounds and rearing and had no desire to deviate fromt he way we were raised. We also both were raised with siblings close in age from the same birth position. We have not had to rewrite our futures.

 

I'm an INTJ married to an INTJ. Problem solving is so natural to our personalities, that's probably why we don't see marriage as "hard work". Intertwining two lives together into one is a fascinating puzzle. Since our "feeling" sides are lacking, we tend to treat those little bumps in the road like an odd reaction in an experiment ("Huh, that's strange. How did that happen? How do we fix it?"). Most issues that come up get discussed and fixed in an emotional flatline.

 

Both INTJs here too. Same flatline when issues come up.

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The first time I heard marriage is hard work I was a teen in Home Ec. The teacher said, "Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do but it is also the most fun work you'll ever do."

 

I still hear this all the time. I read it in books, magazines, blogs, hear it TV, and from other people. Marriage is hard work. It's even harder than being a parent.

 

I just don't feel it. I don't feel that my marriage is hard work. Is it that my dh and I just click and get "it" whatever "it" is?

 

There are not many things we don't agree on. We both seem to roll with the flow, and overlook small annoyances.

 

So I wonder am I weird and have a marriage that is an exception to the rule of being hard? Or is my marriage like a lot of others and it just doesn't feel like hard work?

 

For the record I think that parenting is the hardest work I've ever done and do. My dh is my rock and helps me with this parenting stuff. Oh, I've been married 14 years if that makes a difference.

 

Being a mom comes easy for me. Being a wife is the hardest thing I have EVER done.

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Mine certainly is. My father left before I was born and I grew up with just a single mom and myself. DH's parents were violent and divorced when he was young. Neither of us had any clue what a good marriage looked like. We've been together since we were teenagers. We've both become entirely different people than when we pledged ourselves to each other, and honestly we just aren't compatible. We've been through mental illness, chronic illness, crazy families, and terrible hurts on both sides. There has never been a time in our relationship that I can look at and say it was easy. But, we still love each other and the children we've made together and are honoring the vows we made to one another.

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It ebbs and flows. I have times when I think that marriage is all roses and times when I think it is all thorns. My love does not ebb and flow - it is constant. It is our ability to communicate, to not get on each others nerves that changes. And 90% of that is due to stress outside of our marriage that impacts it nonetheless.

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When one partner has depression, it's a lot of work.

 

:iagree: Dh and I have been together for over 20 years. Everything was easy until last year. A combination of job loss, difficult child, financial worries, neighborhood issues (and being stuck here due to job loss), and everyday stress...has made our marriage much harder.

 

Neither dh or I are very nurturing toward each other. We are both very independent, and that is one thing we always had in common.Neither of us was needy. Now that we are both pretty stressed out, it definitely is much harder.

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It has hard moments. I always remember the advice our minister gave us in pre-marital counselling, that marriage is "choosing to love when you feel like you hate them" I was an 18 y/o head over heels, but his words have rung in my ears a few times over the past 9 years - and preserved our marriage! We rarely fight, but when it's a big issue it is very hard and painful.

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The first time I heard marriage is hard work I was a teen in Home Ec. The teacher said, "Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do but it is also the most fun work you'll ever do."

 

I still hear this all the time. I read it in books, magazines, blogs, hear it TV, and from other people. Marriage is hard work. It's even harder than being a parent.

 

I just don't feel it. I don't feel that my marriage is hard work. Is it that my dh and I just click and get "it" whatever "it" is?

 

There are not many things we don't agree on. We both seem to roll with the flow, and overlook small annoyances.

 

So I wonder am I weird and have a marriage that is an exception to the rule of being hard? Or is my marriage like a lot of others and it just doesn't feel like hard work?

 

For the record I think that parenting is the hardest work I've ever done and do. My dh is my rock and helps me with this parenting stuff. Oh, I've been married 14 years if that makes a difference.

 

 

Some people probably have an easy marriage the whole way through 40-50-60yrs worth. Then there are some people who start out having a difficult time and then either things smooth out or they don't (my sis had this and now her marriage is great - but still has a few bumps).

 

But, (I'm not trying to be snarky) I looked at the ages of your kids and assumed you'd been married 15yrs or less. Honey, you need to wait until you hit 20-25 yrs. and then say it's easy. I would have said the same thing you said when I was only married 15yrs and my kids were little. I'm finding it's harder the longer I've been at it and the older my kids get.

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I've been married 13 yrs. Sometimes it's work. Most of the time, now, it's not. I think the most work was in the beginning, adjusting to each other and expectations. Instead of saying it's work, I'd probably say that it is a dying to oneself. In order for the partnership to work, both people need to choose to love, when they don't feel it, and die to self when they most don't want to.

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We've had our moments. Dh has said that since we didn't get divorced in the year following my dad and brother's deaths that nothing could break us up. I was not a nice person then and I don't know how he put up with me. Everything since that has been easy. I feel like we had so much bad stuff happen so early that we had to grow up together very quick. Now, we just enjoy what we have, what we've made, and we have a lot of fun.

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I think if you understand that its a partnership of 100% from both partners instead of 50/50 it can be blissfully simple.

 

When I was first married, at times as insanely difficult, but that was more me not growing up in a healthy functional family. I only understood dysfunction and would cause unnecessary drama because I didn't *know* it was unnecessary.

 

Years of therapy later....I have a firm grasp on a reasonable, healthy, loving relationship and its pretty easy most days.

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The first time I heard marriage is hard work I was a teen in Home Ec. The teacher said, "Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do but it is also the most fun work you'll ever do."

 

I still hear this all the time. I read it in books, magazines, blogs, hear it TV, and from other people. Marriage is hard work. It's even harder than being a parent.

 

I just don't feel it. I don't feel that my marriage is hard work. Is it that my dh and I just click and get "it" whatever "it" is?

 

There are not many things we don't agree on. We both seem to roll with the flow, and overlook small annoyances.

 

So I wonder am I weird and have a marriage that is an exception to the rule of being hard? Or is my marriage like a lot of others and it just doesn't feel like hard work?

 

For the record I think that parenting is the hardest work I've ever done and do. My dh is my rock and helps me with this parenting stuff. Oh, I've been married 14 years if that makes a difference.

:iagree:I have been married for 10 years and it doesn't seem that hard to me.;)

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At times it is hard work, yes. A problem free marriage is NOT a sign of a healthy marriage IMO. There ARE married couples who do fine in the midst of turmoil but I wouldn't want anyone to feel their marriage isn't up to par because it has it's struggles sprinkled through out their history. Most people married long term do admit to ups and downs in their marriages.

 

My marriage suffered from years of caretaking of dying family members and friends. Dh and I were just too burnt out to have time for each other. My mentally ill kids have taken their toll. BUT, dh and I are as strong as ever now, 25 years later, 23 married. Our trials bring us closer together. I am sure we will be together until death separates us. We are best friends!

 

Here are some statistics we have had to battle against:

 

Divorce rate in Aspie marriages, 80%

divorce rate after head injury: i forget but dh was BEYOND patient with me. i think it was 50%

divorce rate after adopting a RAD kid: i posted it before, it is 70% or 80%

 

My friend married right after high school. She had a problem free marriage but it was due to lack of communication. They never once argued. She was beyond shell shocked when he told her he was leaving her years later. She is still scarred decadez later and never remarried.

 

Our marriage has been work and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You summed up my thoughts!

 

I know of marriages where there are no problems or arguing, but for some reason when a crisis or major life problem comes down the pike (i.e. death, major money issues, unemployment, child dx'ed with health crisis) then it can be devastating to the marriage. I am not saying all marriages are like this, btw.

 

We've been married 25 years and going strong. And heck, yeah... it has been a lot of work. Once any marriage goes past the 10-15 year mark, you're going to get tested. ;)

 

Had almost divorced in the first 8 years of our marriage... but decided to stick it thru and make it work.

 

We went thru hubby being dx'ed with stage IV melanoma cancer and given months to live back in 1996. Then we had our only child almost die and go into a coma in 2004 -- then he was dx'ed with a rare liver disease. Then I got dx'ed with the same genetic disease as I was a carrier. Been unemployed. Foreclosure. Lost our home. We've been rich living in a lovely upscale home with tons of $$ in the bank and we've been poor living on food stamps. Life is a roller coaster, you never know what is coming on the next turn -- and I love it! :D Who knows what the next 20-25 years will hold or if either one of us will be kicking around or up in heaven by then. But marriage is work!!

Edited by tex-mex
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And sometimes the hardest part of the whole shebang is just letting the other person be who he/she is, and learning to live with what you've got (vs what you thought you were getting).

:iagree::iagree:

 

And being at peace about it!! :lol::lol:

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I've been married for 30 years. Most of it I would consider fairly easy - some of it was pretty darn hard due to circumstances beyond our control putting enormous stress on us and eventually straining the relationship. we chose to stay together and are glad we did.

 

I know I would hear "marriage is a 50/50 proposition" a lot. that I consider a crock. somedays, you have nothing to give and your spouse gives all - and some days your spouse has nothing to give and you give all. I think that may be part of what is referred to as "hard work". marriage requires give-and-take and some people are NOT willing to do that.

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Whoever says that marriage is 50/50 has no clue. It can be 90/10 in some areas (i.e. Mom and child rearing/homeschooling) or 80/20 (i.e. My husband staying at home to raise our newborn for the first 4 years of his life while I worked full time as a schoolteacher. I loved the fact he bonded with our son, but I lost out on a lot of precious moments.). It is never equal. And I do think at times it is give-give-give (99/1) if you are a Mom and Wife. But that is for a very short time before the kids fly out of the nest and then a new chapter begins in the relationship.

Edited by tex-mex
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Is marriage work?

 

Yes, not in the sense that is is this great laboureous undertaking that I must trod through unpleasantly each day, but in the sense that it is something at which I must expend energy. When DH and I hang out watching a sitcom and laughing together at the jokes that are even funnier because of our own inside jokes, I am working. When DH take me out for our anniversary and I spend extra time dressing nicely, I am working. When I leave him little notes of love, I am working.

 

Work is not automatically negative. Work can be fufilling and refreshing, it can be what drives us forward, what helps define our lives and what cheers us during hard times.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:I like this very much!!!!!

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Dh and I are both Aries, which is supposed to be seriously bad news. That fire is handy for teA, though, no? :auto:

 

Ha ha! Dh is also a Scorpio. Supposedly, it's the only Sun Sign that it is OK to pair together. Nobody else can stand us! ;)

 

No comment on the other. :D

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Some days life is hard work. Some days being a good person is truly hard. I view marriage the same. Dh and I both have changed and grown so much that it is been work to do that together, as it hasn't/isn't always synchronous. Our marriage in turn has grown so much as well. We both say that we thought we were truly and deeply in love when we got married but we didn't have a clue as to how deep love can grow. I imagine the same will be said in 20-40 yrs down the road. We've both matured a lot (or we like to think) and growth can sometimes be pain. It is also intensely and wonderfully satisfying. We've both challenged each other to be better people and keep a higher standard and continue to do so. It does make it more work, but also more fulfilling as well. There are hills and valleys as well.

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I think if you understand that its a partnership of 100% from both partners instead of 50/50 it can be blissfully simple.

 

When I was first married, at times as insanely difficult, but that was more me not growing up in a healthy functional family. I only understood dysfunction and would cause unnecessary drama because I didn't *know* it was unnecessary.

 

Years of therapy later....I have a firm grasp on a reasonable, healthy, loving relationship and its pretty easy most days.

 

This, especially the bolded. (my husband also agrees) Yes, there are times when one person's 100% is less than the other's, but it's still that 100% of what you've got to throw in.

 

I hate the "score keeping" feel of saying it's 50/50, or some other split. That may just be me - my ex used to hold that up with the "I did MY half, now you do yours" in.every.area. - but it just seems to serve to highlight one person's "better-ness" or failing.

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I think a huge part of it is who you choose to marry.

 

DH is a "good guy" that I might have ignored when I was younger. I was more attracted to the alpha male type that my dad was. I had a couple of serious relationships with guys like that before I figured out I couldn't stand to walk on eggshells with demanding jerks anymore.

 

Also, DH had previous bad LTR's with women who were awful to him. He also had a job that made him a lot more assertive.

 

We weren't ready for each other until shortly before we met, but I think we worked out most of our bad habits and unrealistic expectations on earlier relationships. We met each other and were just amazed and grateful. I still am several times a week. The last couple of days I've felt awful. Last night when he came home and I hadn't started dinner, he went to the store and bought a bunch of stuff for dinner, and cooked everything himself. We're constantly doing those things for each other, but it doesn't feel like work at all, it's just another way to love each other.

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I think a huge part of it is who you choose to marry.

 

DH is a "good guy" that I might have ignored when I was younger. I was more attracted to the alpha male type that my dad was. I had a couple of serious relationships with guys like that before I figured out I couldn't stand to walk on eggshells with demanding jerks anymore.

 

.

 

Thank goodness I ended up with my dh instead of a lot of the other guys I dated. I seemed to be attracted to jerks as well, but I knew better then to settle down with one. We've still both had a lot of growing to do but I'm so happy to have done it with him.

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Ha ha! Dh is also a Scorpio. Supposedly, it's the only Sun Sign that it is OK to pair together. Nobody else can stand us! ;)

 

No comment on the other. :D

 

:D

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Some days life is hard work. Some days being a good person is truly hard. I view marriage the same. Dh and I both have changed and grown so much that it is been work to do that together, as it hasn't/isn't always synchronous. Our marriage in turn has grown so much as well. We both say that we thought we were truly and deeply in love when we got married but we didn't have a clue as to how deep love can grow. I imagine the same will be said in 20-40 yrs down the road. We've both matured a lot (or we like to think) and growth can sometimes be pain. It is also intensely and wonderfully satisfying. We've both challenged each other to be better people and keep a higher standard and continue to do so. It does make it more work, but also more fulfilling as well. There are hills and valleys as well.

 

That was my husband's answer when I posed the question to him yesterday. He said marriage is no harder or easier than the rest of life in general; sometimes there's an area more challenging, sometimes it's really easy.

Edited by MyCrazyHouse
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I have often wondered at that statement as well. I think the hard work comes from changing who I am as a person. When I first got married, I was selfish and opinionated. I have since had to look at myself with a long, hard look and gradually change things. That was hard. So I have worked hard at changing me but I don't necessarily think that I have worked hard at my marriage.

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