Need a hug, my MIL has been quite hurtful over my possibly special needs son...long

[Ghee]

I had an appointment with a neuro psychologist yesterday, to discuss him evaluating my 8 year old. Basically, my son was born at term, healthy birth weight, normal Apgars, etc.. Anyway, the doctor did ask me some questions that I couldn't answer (were there an relatives on either side of the family with personality disorders or mental retardation, I could only answer my side for sure, I know of a couple on DH's side, but wasn't sure their actual diagnosis. I stopped at my MIL's house on the way home to get that information. I believe I was clear with her that I *did* have a relative or two with needs, I didn't at all make it sound like "this came from your family" or anything. That ***** actually sat there and said "Well, the day he was born I knew something was wrong, I thought it was just because you didn't take care of yourself during the pregnancy." WTHeck?!

 

Ok, first WHO says that to a mother who is already confused and in pain? Even were it true, what good would that kind of finger pointing do NOW? Second, it is a total fabrication of the way that time in my life was. I started the pregnancy with an OB that I had used with my daughter, we had to move because my MIL has always had this over-reaction problem about my stepson and she called us crying and screaming all the time that he was abused, endangered, etc.. He wasn't, he got the short end of the stick when it came to mothers, but I have seen many kids much worse off than him. Anyway, she managed to lay on the guilt trip to the point that we moved back. The rest of the pregnancy was a bit of a nightmare compared to my other two. I couldn't find an OB who would take me that late in pregnancy (I know, it's weird, but this is a very backwards area and when they found that I didn't want drugs/interventions they all (as in all 2 in town) claimed they couldn't take me as a patient because of liability :confused:) I DID however see our old family dr regularly and he had me get an ultrasound at the hospital, etc... I delivered him in a hospital with the on call midwife, who didn't express ANY concerns. He was checked by a ped who didn't express ANY concerns. I never had any pregnancy concerns other than that my personal/family life was in a turmoil because I'd moved back to an area I didn't want to live in, the bio-mother was a psycho and calling me trying to get me to leave my husband so he had less of a chance of taking her to court, and my MIL loved the drama and kept it going. So what I really, *REALLY* wanted to say to her was "Are you SERIOUS? Maybe if you were so CONCERNED about this child, you should've said 'let me help' instead of 'you need to do this'." I had all the lawyer stuff dumped in MY lap, as DH was working and the lawyer said MIL was bat**** crazy and he didn't really want her crying all over his office. Anyway, I wish I'd just stood up and said "Listen, this kid is NOT abused. He has a crummy mother, but that isn't a crime. I have three kids that I need to care for. See ya folks.", but I was 25 and felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I also had an instinct that DH's whole family only liked me because I listened to the carrying on about SS. I kind of had it figured that the day I said I needed to do for my own kids they would turn on me....and they did. But that's a much later story.

 

So, anyway, my feelings are QUITE hurt. I wouldn't have had such a stressful time if my MIL wasn't a melodramatic diva. In hindsight, the whole thing was so she could go around patting herself on her back and saying she had stepped in and brought "justice". She still does this, eight years later :glare: I didn't manage to get any of that out, though, I just sat there :001_huh: and cried. I finally got up to leave, having gotten the information I needed for the dr. She actually hugged me at the door and said "You know I love you." like I was a misbehaving child she'd just disciplined for their own good. I wish I'd just left it alone now.

 

Then, I get home, and I'm crying and livid. I tell my mother what happened and she SHRUGS and says "Oh well. You know she's unbalanced." I KNOW THAT, but she basically said what was wrong with my child was something I had done intentionally. I think if my daughter told me HER MIL (she's only 10, thank goodness we don't have THAT to worry about for a while) had said that to her, I would probably have GONE OFF on the woman. You don't kick someone when they are down, I don't care how "unbalanced" you are. It's mean!! Plus, it would be nice to feel that MY family had my back. I finally asked my mom if SHE thought I had caused the issue and she said "No. I just don't want to get involved." This is how I'm living my whole life, no one wants to get involved. I'm handling the NP thing myself because my DH "can't deal" , or claims he can't get off from work. I know he is afraid his genetics are to blame for DS's issues (DS is JUST like him), but it's time to put on the big boy pants. I'm also packing an ENTIRE four bedroom/three bath home that has housed 5 people for 8 years. It's a ton of CARP to deal with - all alone as DH is out of town with work.

 

The things is, my mom had her bum grabbed by a wanna be gangbanger in the park. She is furious with my stepdad that he wasn't upset about it when she told him, and didn't ask if she wanted him to take off work and go to court with her to press charges. She doesn't see her shrugging off my MIL's harmful statements, and telling me to suck it up, as the same thing. I just want someone to be shocked and appalled on my behalf. I'd like to see a little "that cow said WHAT to you?" I know my DH won't get riled up, he's kind of a wimp, it's always "well say something if it bothers you." It hurts that my mother is the same way. I think my uncle is the ONLY one who has ever said "Do you want me to say something?" and that was when an ex was bothering me. He offered to have a talk and make it so the ex stayed far away. My mother doesn't want things to get "ugly", she doesn't want dirty laundry aired, she has said she's afraid it will get out and "ruin her reputation." The thing is, I'm about to say something. I've already told MIL that I feel like mine and DH's three kids are treated like second class citizens in that family. They have done things that are detrimental to my kids because they felt that if it helped SS in the end it was "the fair" thing to do because my kids have parents who are married (out of 6 grandkids by two of their children, my three are the only ones with married parents and that seems to gripe them.) I think the next time she contacts me, I'm not contacting her, I will tell her to back off. I'm going to tell her she crossed a line, a big one, and that I don't feel she has any of our best interests at heart. I'm also sad that I thought the information was worth telling her that my son is being evaluated. I know this will provide gleeful gossip for her and her daughter. They love to find things "wrong" with my kids to try to bring them down. That hurts!

 

I don't know. I'm not asking you to JAWM. But I'm in a really sad and hurt and lost place right now. I feel like it's me against the world, like it's always been that way and will always BE that way. It would be nice to think your own mother "has your back" so to speak, but I guess she doesn't. I feel like everyone wants me to make all the decisions so that if it's a bad one they can say "Oh well *I* wouldn't have done THAT." I am so tired and beaten down. I just need a hug. :crying:

[Impish]

:grouphug:

I'm so sorry.

:grouphug:

[Sasharowan]

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}} DOn't have any advice, but I can do hugs!!

[Lisbeth]

:grouphug: Here is your hug. :) THis is what *I* would do, YMMV. Time for a time out for your MIL. Who needs this kind of thing even though she's faaaaamily? (I am saying that because inevitably if you take a time out from her, someone in your family or circle of friends will say, "...but she's faaaamily." People with personality disorders count on family to have to put up with their crap.) I would seriously pep myself up to nip her stuff in the bud in the moment, if you don't TO her, or after the TO is done. Just call her out. Say, "Did you really just say XXXX? Wow! How hurtful and rude." while you look her straight in the eye, no looking away. If it continues, just don't be around her much permanently. When she whines about it to DH (if), tell him, "I gave you a chance to handle her. You wanted me to, so this is how I've handled her. Bean dip?" If she whines to you, say, "I've given you several chances to amend your rude and passive aggressive behavior, and you seem to have no interest." Life is too short. What a terrible woman!

[hsbaby]

I'm so sorry:(. Having a child with special needs can be difficult enough. My oldest dd's grandma (thankfully never my MIL as we were never married) used to tell me that I was over reacting and dd did not have any delays. She told me that I should try reading to her more:glare: Dd was diagnosed with Autism a few years later. She was still in denial and thought most of her problems were because I didn't work with her enough. Even though I knew this was a bunch of crap, it hurt. Another time, when we were fundraising for dd's service dog, my grandma gave a flyer to a friend that read her story and said "yeah, the mom was probably a drug addict". So, I understand where you are coming from. You just can't reason with some people. Try to find a support group for parents of children with special needs. I really don't think someone can understand what it's like unless they have been there. I'm sorry she hurt you:(. Some people just don't get it!

[Parrothead]

:grouphug: Your kid(s) need you now. It is time to cut off all the people who will not have your back. Sounds like that includes both your mom and MIL. No toxic people in your life until you get your son's needs under control.

 

It has just become your dh's job to deal with any and all concerns his mother has. Politely bow out of any conversation with her. He can find out the information or not. The doctor can go ahead and assume that there is mental illness in that side of the family. Your MIL is living proof of it. ;)

 

If there is anything we can do cyberly let us know. :grouphug:

[Katy]

Hugs. The situation sucks, and I'm sorry.

 

You need to stop expecting her to be reasonable or kind. Someone who's described by her children as batcrap crazy or unbalanced and who has this kind of history isn't ever going to be who you'd like her to be. To expect otherwise will only make you more upset and cause additional drama.

 

Get some distance from her while you have time to deal with whatever's going on. Then, when things are calmer, make a decision about whether you can love her despite being unhinged or if you need to just keep some distance forever.

[jrn]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

Awwww . . . I'll say it.

 

She said WHAT to you?!?!?! That woman has got a lot of nerve. How unbelievably insensitive. And likewise to the others who have under-responded so spectacularly. Shame on them, and God bless you for doing what it takes to figure out how to help your son.

 

:grouphug:

[Ghee]

Thank you for the hugs, that's really all I needed or know how to process right now. We don't have a big special needs community, nor do we have many resources for SN children, but I am trying to get my ducks in a row to move to an area where we have that to access.

 

I have decided to cut her out of my life for now. I will also just have to do without what I consider natural motherly responses from my own mother. She's always been aloof, she doesn't like "dirt" that would sully her, I guess she had the wrong kid :glare:

 

And, yes, my MIL plays the "faaaamily" card loud and often. She raised my DH to absolutely fall over and play dead for "faaamily", it is a MAJOR issue in our marriage. My (extended) family is not at all like that. We will bend over backwards to help a family member, but only if that person is trying to help themselves. We won't keep banging our head against a brick wall for someone who doesn't want or appreciate the help.

 

I guess I was just flabbergasted to hear that come out of her mouth TO me. I've long suspected that she tried to make me sound like a much less capable person than I really am, but to say it TO someone's face? Most of it is because she is mad at me about SS. I told her she could let him jerk her around if she wanted, but the buck stopped with me. He is less than 18 months away from legal adulthood, it's time to stop threatening suicide because someone won't buy you a smartphone. I have REAL problems to deal with.

[jelbe5]

:grouphug:

 

I feel your pain. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

 

I have found (and I am speaking just from my personal experience) that my parents are not very helpful or sympathetic to our situation with our special needs son. I am not sure what it is . . . they come from a generation where such things were kept very quite/out of sight so that very well may have something to do with it. They are also ignorant and possibly sad and scared about the reality (don't show that though :glare:).

 

I decided many years ago that it is best for me not to discuss my feelings around this issue or our decision to homeschool with them. I did this repeatedly and got the same unhelpful, negative feedback and feeling from them. Finally I stopped doing this: :banghead: and decided I may never get what I feel I "need" from them and I have found the support and assistance I craved from others. It hurts to realize that you might not get your needs met by the people who claim to love you the most, but it is also very freeing to accept that and find another way to get what you desire. :grouphug:

 

ETA as far as obtaining medical/family history from your MIL I would ask dh to handle that part here on out.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

Ugh. That's awful, it really is. And it's so much worse to not have someone close to you outraged on your behalf (not saying they need to go off on your MIL but they could at least let YOU know how wrong it is).

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you and your son.

 

I'm so sorry you have so much on your plate and not nearly enough support.

[justLisa]

Well, *I* am livid for you. What a need for choice words. Worry about your own family, and pass on the junk to DH right now. My DH would be mad and love to give them his opinion were I in that situation. :grouphug:

[SKL]

That was really hurtful of your MIL. Your mom was right, though. Crazy is as crazy does. I think your mom is trying to encourage you to not dwell on what you can't fix.

 

It is totally understandable that you feel horribly over all of this, but to me, it sounds more like grief over having something going on with your son over which you have no control. And being kicked when you were down, by MIL, was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

It's quite possible that your MIL saw something when your baby was born. (You say he's just like your husband, and she raised dh.) I've had that same kind of feeling more than once. Knowing how sensitive new moms are, I would not say anything right away unless it seemed like something that could be fixed with early intervention. Your MIL's mentioning it now may have initially been to support you in your belief that your son needs help. But adding her theory on the reason was just mean. Would I hold that against her? Yes, but not to the point of it making my own life harder. I might even tell her how I felt, but only if I thought it might do any good.

 

I don't know you, but it sounds like you need a rest from all of this drama. Your son is going to be OK because you're taking care of him. :grouphug: You got the info you needed from MIL so now you don't have to deal with her any more until you have the strength for it. Now take it easy for a bit. Have a good cry and then find something to laugh about. Like MIL's facial hair or SIL's triple chin. (I'm goin' to Hell for that, I know.)

[Julie in CA]

You really cannot fix crazy. All you can do is not be the crazy one yourself.

Take care of your ds, take care of yourself, your husband, and your other kids. Make the choice not to let someone else's crazy get the better of you. Keep moving with the good stuff in your life, and look at the ill people with pity and gladness that it doesn't have to define who you are or your reactions.

 

You have other things to focus on, and you can do this! :grouphug:

[Danestress]

I think that really takes the "inappropriate comment" cake. Good grief.

 

I don't blame your Mom for not wanting to entangle herself in highly emotional issues with unstable people, but it would be hard not to hit the roof if someone behaved that way with my child.

 

Take refuge in the people who love you. Snuggle your kids, shower affection on your DH, do something kind for your step son, and stay the HECK away from this woman for a while. You don't need that kind of stress.

[MomatHWTK]

When you first start to get answers, look for a diagnosis, and wonder what on earth happened to your baby your nerves are very raw. It really is best, and reasonable, to avoid anyone who you cannot rely on to be 100% supportive. I have pretty much stopped communicating details to anyone and let DH handle it. Even people who think they are being supportive can say really stupid things. And of course, being super-sensitive makes everything they say feel even worse.

 

I have had times when I couldn't manage participating in activities where the other kids would be doing or having things my child couldn't. It takes time and a strong self-awareness of where you are emotionally on any given day. Some days will be better than others. :grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am so so sorry. That was COMPLETELY uncalled for from both of them. For shame.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[happi duck]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Ghee]

I think that really takes the "inappropriate comment" cake. Good grief.

 

I don't blame your Mom for not wanting to entangle herself in highly emotional issues with unstable people, but it would be hard not to hit the roof if someone behaved that way with my child.

 

Take refuge in the people who love you. Snuggle your kids, shower affection on your DH, do something kind for your step son, and stay the HECK away from this woman for a while. You don't need that kind of stress.

 

The only things I can't/won't do are the bolded. My stepson has actually created the current situation, or at least tried to spin things with MIL to his advantage. We have refused him and his mother on numerous occasions about a smartphone. We can't afford it for a child on our plan, it isn't like we are doing this for our other three and not him. I feel like if it's that important to bm and ss, either she should put him on her plan. She won't and so he called MIL and said no one cared about him and he could just kill himself. My husband got sucked in and now wants to give him whatever he wants. How do we teach our own kids to graciously accept what they cannot have if we give in on this? And who let's a kid talk about killing themself over a smartphone or any other luxury. There are many other issues, including that he has a highly infectious disease that he wont treat and so Dh and I jointly agreed that he can't come in our home and expose the other kids. All was well until bil and mil heard ss's side and put pressure on dh. Hello it can be fatal or cause amputations and our 8 year old does not have a good immune system? Not to mention that the other two shouldn't have to be exposed. Dh was all for telling him that until he agreed to let us take him to the dr and do what the dr said, he couldn't just hang out here and spread germ warfare. Once his family threw down he wimped out. It makes me feel like he doesn't care if our children get hurt, he just wants to do whatever keeps his son hushed up. I'm to the point of leaving him if he doesn't learn that these kids deserve a fathers protection too. We were not turning our back on him, we were trying to force him to make the right decision and protecting the other children from his bad decision.

 

I didn't expect my mother to rip MIL a knew one, though I know enough about myself to feel its what I would do, but it was the "can you blame her" attitude she first put forth. I finally asked of she believed I was at fault and she said no. I just wish she'd shown some disgust that the woman created WWIII during my pregnancy, expected me to deal with it all, and then had the nerve to insinuate I didn't take care of myself. I wish I'd run the other way when I met that bunch. SS was a toddler and I thought MIL was just a little neurotic. My SIL even tried to tell me MIL would throw anyone under the bus to get her hands on ss. And SIL doesn't even like me, but she warned me lol

Edited July 11, 2012 by Ghee

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug: Your kid(s) need you now. It is time to cut off all the people who will not have your back. Sounds like that includes both your mom and MIL. No toxic people in your life until you get your son's needs under control.

 

It has just become your dh's job to deal with any and all concerns his mother has. Politely bow out of any conversation with her. He can find out the information or not. The doctor can go ahead and assume that there is mental illness in that side of the family. Your MIL is living proof of it. ;)

 

If there is anything we can do cyberly let us know. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

I'm probably a little older than you are, and I've finally come to a place where all the crazy whackjobs in my life are remaining external to me, meaning I don't let them into my mind, no matter what they say or do. It's really works to realize that those people don't have to affect you if you don't let them. Easier said than done in the heat of a crisis moment, I know.

 

But now, my MIL can say that my 8 yr. old needs to go on a diet and I just look at her like the crazy cow she is, and let it roll off. It's not that I don't think about it and how crazy it is, it's just that I don't let it affect my feelings about myself, my kids, my dh or anyone else.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Ignore your stupid MIL. She obviously needed to be homeschooled to learn some socialization skills! :tongue_smilie:

[5LittleMonkeys]

If your MIL is "unbalanced" please, please don't listen to anything she says. Is she NPD? Sounds like it from your description. If so, what she says isn't about you at all...your emotions\mental state don't have any affect on her. She only thinks about herself and how things and people affect her. She will always act, say, and behave in a way to make herself look like the savior, the martyr, the hero, and the perfect, flawless person. Distance yourself from her, assume everything out of her mouth is B.S., and tell your hubby that he is responsible for dealing with her from now on.

 

The day I told dh that I would never speak to, see, or be spoken to about his mother was the most liberating day ever.

 

Cut all toxic people from your life, and put those who are not supportive right now on the back burner and tell them that if they want to get pissy about you ignoring them right now they'll have to wait and take it up with you once you have taken care of the more important things in your life. If they truly love you they'll get over it. :grouphug::grouphug:

[swellmomma]

:grouphug:

[Ghee]

When you first start to get answers, look for a diagnosis, and wonder what on earth happened to your baby your nerves are very raw. It really is best, and reasonable, to avoid anyone who you cannot rely on to be 100% supportive. I have pretty much stopped communicating details to anyone and let DH handle it. Even people who think they are being supportive can say really stupid things. And of course, being super-sensitive makes everything they say feel even worse.

 

I have had times when I couldn't manage participating in activities where the other kids would be doing or having things my child couldn't. It takes time and a strong self-awareness of where you are emotionally on any given day. Some days will be better than others. :grouphug:

 

That pretty much sums it up. I already had a bad relationship (parasitic) with them and then to get slammed when you think you've done something for these people and might get some respect or have your contributions taken into account when you are down...it was just too much. Its a bad time to have someone try to play head games with me. I think mil and as have gotten so used to bullying me that now that I've drawn a line I won't cross they are mad the free ride ended. It's like "who the **** gives YOU the right to tell ME you won't?"

[Ghee]

If your MIL is "unbalanced" please, please don't listen to anything she says. Is she NPD? Sounds like it from your description. If so, what she says isn't about you at all...your emotions\mental state don't have any affect on her. She only thinks about herself and how things and people affect her. She will always act, say, and behave in a way to make herself look like the savior, the martyr, the hero, and the perfect, flawless person. Distance yourself from her, assume everything out of her mouth is B.S., and tell your hubby that he is responsible for dealing with her from now on.

 

The day I told dh that I would never speak to, see, or be spoken to about his mother was the most liberating day ever.

 

Cut all toxic people from your life, and put those who are not supportive right now on the back burner and tell them that if they want to get pissy about you ignoring them right now they'll have to wait and take it up with you once you have taken care of the more important things in your life. If they truly love you they'll get over it. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Oh that is her exactly. She actually says she is ss's savior! She takes credit for anything anyone does for him or anyone else. She actually tried to tell me that she had been the one to point out to me that my son needed help?? She's never given to carps about my kids. It is all about how she steps in and leads us in the "right" way to parent. I'm not going to speak to her again unless he starts spewing her venom at me, then I'm goin to blast her with both barrels.

[5LittleMonkeys]

I'm not going to speak to her again unless he starts spewing her venom at me, then I'm goin to blast her with both barrels.

 

Good to hear! So many times I've heard people say that they can't say anything to defend themselves or cut these people out of their lives because it will "upset the family". I personally don't give a flip about family that is so dysfunctional that they would treat each other like carp. Life is hard enough without having "family" beat you down and treat you poorly. :grouphug:

[Soror]

:grouphug: I agree with everyone else, I'd avoid her like the plague. I hope you get some answers and the support you need.

[TammyinTN]

:iagree: and :grouphug: to you!

[Hedgehog]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. Sounds unbelievably hurtful. I think you're right to step back and away from your MIL.

[Tap]

:grouphug:

[Heatherwith4]

:grouphug:

[Ghee]

Well to round out my day, apparently I "hurt" my mother's feelings when I told her that she hurt MY feelings by not at least saying that MIL was being ridiculous and/or saying she couldn't believe anyone would say something like that. I told her all I had really wanted was a hug and a "what a crazy woman." That put her back up and she is now not speaking to me.

 

She was supposed to watch my two younger kids for me while ODS and I set up the yard sale. She dropped them by and announced that "she was too hurt to sit around and stew about this" and she had called a friend and was going to lunch (unspoken: to tell them what a horrid daughter I am.) So then we had to haul out furniture, clothes, etc... while tripping over two kids who were too young to help and there is NOTHING in my house left to do as I'm packing it up.... so they are bored. They were hungry, we just left to get them some lunch. Way to make this about YOU mom :glare: I give up, I will NOT have anyone in my life who I can lean on when things go crazy. Time to suck it up, buttercup, I guess.

[amyable]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I understand the pain of no one having your back.

[jujsky]

:grouphug::grouphug: If it makes you feel better, I'm shocked and appalled on your behalf. What a B****! And your son's issues are NOT your fault. You probably know that, but that doubt tends to creep in just the same sometimes.

[AK_Mom4]

Tell them all to go stuff a mushroom!

 

They were all rude. Sheesh! :grouphug:

[kwg]

Well to round out my day, apparently I "hurt" my mother's feelings when I told her that she hurt MY feelings by not at least saying that MIL was being ridiculous and/or saying she couldn't believe anyone would say something like that. I told her all I had really wanted was a hug and a "what a crazy woman." That put her back up and she is now not speaking to me.

 

She was supposed to watch my two younger kids for me while ODS and I set up the yard sale. She dropped them by and announced that "she was too hurt to sit around and stew about this" and she had called a friend and was going to lunch (unspoken: to tell them what a horrid daughter I am.) So then we had to haul out furniture, clothes, etc... while tripping over two kids who were too young to help and there is NOTHING in my house left to do as I'm packing it up.... so they are bored. They were hungry, we just left to get them some lunch. Way to make this about YOU mom :glare: I give up, I will NOT have anyone in my life who I can lean on when things go crazy. Time to suck it up, buttercup, I guess.

 

 

:glare: Whaaa? crazy! :glare:

[EJCMom]

Wow! They are being very insensitive and couldn't make the situation worse if they tried. I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

[Danestress]

The only things I can't/won't do are the bolded

 

 

Well, it sounds like you really do need a hug. ((((((ghee)))))))). Adult life can be hard and complicated!

[RanchGirl]

Consider me shocked and appalled. What an atrocious thing to say. And then "you know i love you." Pullleeeze. I would never speak to her again (barring a sincerely remorseful apology, which I don't see happening from someone like that).

 

It has just become your dh's job to deal with any and all concerns his mother has. Politely bow out of any conversation with her. He can find out the information or not. The doctor can go ahead and assume that there is mental illness in that side of the family. Your MIL is living proof of it.

 

:iagree: Don't answer this woman's calls or spend ONE minute in her presence. Dh can call her back and spend time with her, or not, his choice. You focus on your children and being there for them like these characters aren't doing for you.

[3browneyedboys4me]

Wow! I can only say, "WOW!" I guess you really find out who your 'friends' are when life gets tough. I just can't believe that neither mother's in this situation have the mental capacity to give you emotional support. You are going through some pretty hard times and they can't seem to see anything but themselves.

 

I'm really sorry. I know how it feels to not have support. I really wish there was something magical I could say. Do not blame yourself. Take it one day at a time and rid your life of ppl that can't be supportive of you. I don't think that is too much to ask.

:grouphug:

[mumto2]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[hrigg]

:grouphug:

 

I am po'd for you and sorry you've had to deal with all this over the years.

 

Now please take some well meaning advice....focus on you and your kids and your dh in otherwords your family.

 

I don't say this to be mean or anything but it's time for some healthy purging. Good bye mil and mother. I honestly thought I was the only one who had a mother like that and you've got two? I admire your strength.

 

It hurts and they will try to lay on the guilt trip but stay strong. From experience if they truly care they will change or rather moderate their behavior to you and your kiddos. I had to completely cut off myself and my family when my mother did something similar but not that severe. It took me refusing to allow her to talk or see her grandchildren before she came around. Granted it took like 6 months and we've had to take baby steps but it worked. Honestly, since you are moving I would seriously consider not leaving either one of them a forwarding address or phone number. They have your cell and email I presume they can contact you through those until a time you deem it safe for your children to be treated correctly by the people that should love them and spoil them the most.

 

As for SS, well I don't have step-kids have only had step brothers/sisters over the years. They learn at an early age what and who they can manipulate. I very jokingly want to say something about the suicide comment but those type of thoughts that streak through your head are best left kept to oneself with so serious a topic. Since he's reaching his majority and probably in for a major shock, I would personally consider talking to a consulor (ok I can't spell) and showing him the effect of his actions. What do they do to people who threaten suicide? They are usually admitted to a hospital or psych ward for observation. I know this sounds a little extreme but he's almost 17? He should NEVER joke about this. (Maybe have a cop friend that can show him without him knowing like an act in a play what the consequences would be? Of course, whoever is the legal guardian would probably have to sign off on this?) I'm no expert but maybe their's one in your area that would be willing to help? My rambling wild suggestions about the SS are just that wild thoughts. Anyone who is threatening suicide over a smartphone needs help.

 

But whatever you do, stand firm and know that you can always vent to us. If nothing else, we'll send you hugs and give you some wild suggestions that might make you laugh? (Sorry if you're not in the mood I always say crazy things when someone's so sad just trying to cheer them up.)

 

Good Luck!

[Ghee]

Thanks. I did say what I needed to say to my mother. I told her that it would be nice, for once, to have her put her arms around me and say that it was the wrong thing for someone to say. My mother is very odd about this sort of thing, she came from a political family and they were very hush, hush/sweep it under the rug about family drama. I'm a drag it out in the sunlight and stomp it kind of girl :D I like to just squash a problem when it first arises.

 

I'm on my way out, I think. I know they had me cowed when I was a young twenty something with three babies and scared to death, but I'm not her anymore. I know I can do this alone, cuz I have been. Maybe that's my silver lining - I've proved to myself I can endure. Honestly, maybe it would be better to go it alone than to not have people around that I *want* to be able to count on but can't.

 

I know my MIL lashed out at me because I wasn't caving on my position on my stepson. She wanted to be able to tell him (again) that she MADE DH and I do something for him. That's all it is and I have to just turn my back on that silliness. He says things like he'll kill himself because it gets the desired response. He is very immature and very spoiled. If I really thought he were a danger to himself, I'd be pushing DH to have him put somewhere on a suicide watch and getting therapy. As it is, I think that kind of thing is best looked at with a cocked eyebrow and a "Seriously? People have REAL problems and they don't do that." He doesn't play me that way because he learned fast that I roll my eyes and he doesn't get anything from me. The ones he does it to are the ones who love a good emergency and thrill at the chance to ram down my husband's throat how we don't do enough.

 

I know my husband will always carry guilt over his son, I guess we are just going to have to figure out if he can express it appropriately. He messed up when he got the BM pregnant, this IS a situation of his making. I just want him to man up and realize that all kids have things they can use to manipulate a parent, it is okay to just refuse to be taken in by it. I think some people like to punish themselves, he'd have made an excellent self-flagellater (spelling?) I'm just done trying to convince him it's okay to be the parent and not the friend, he'll figure it out even if it's the hard way.

[twinmami01]

:grouphug:

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[besroma]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: