wy_kid_wrangler04 Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I just logged onto my facebook account to read that a VERY close family member of mine has thyroid cancer. Seriously??? Since when is that how you let CLOSE family members know about this??? Maybe I am over reacting but it hurt to read something like that on a social internet network. That puts me, a close family member, at the same rank of "gaming friends" that she has never met before :crying: I am really starting to hate this facebook obsession this society seems to have.. Sorry, vent over Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I'm sorry. :grouphug: I swear sometimes it's better to stay off FB. Status updates are the source of more chaos, hurt and drama than any other venue I can think of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I just logged onto my facebook account to read that a VERY close family member of mine has thyroid cancer. Seriously??? Since when is that how you let CLOSE family members know about this??? Maybe I am over reacting but it hurt to read something like that on a social internet network. That puts me, a close family member, at the same rank of "gaming friends" that she has never met before :crying: I am really starting to hate this facebook obsession this society seems to have.. Sorry, vent over I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt, but sometimes when you're diagnosed with an illness rehashing the details with everyone is painful and difficult, no matter how close. Other mediums--FB, email, etc.--spare the patient from having to repeat the same details over and over while they're still processing the dx themselves. I do understand why you're hurt, but try not to take it personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 It is her news, and it is her right to share these difficult news in any way she wants. I'd feel differently if it were happy news. But these kind of news--she did it in the way that felt the best to her at this moment. It is not about you. :chillpill: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 That's a tough one. I'm sorry you got bad news in such a terrible way. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Gently. Sometimes it's easier to say things once. Facebook allowed her to tell everyone at once without having to go over it multiple times. Gently again. This is her illness, not yours. When my son was diagnosed and required surgery, I often made one bulk announcement on facebook. I didn't even tell anyone (other than my mother and aunt who were coming to help) about his surgery until AFTER the surgery date. Well meaning friends and family all ask the same questions and often want you to relive every word the doctors said and sometimes... that's too much to handle. On that note, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I'm sorry. I think that the person who said that rehashing/telling so many people individually (ESPECIALLY close family members) is just too much on top of dealing with the diagnosis is right. This is definitely true for my dad. So, I learned that his dad dies in a mass email, and I learned that he'd been hospitalied for a stroke when he posted on Facebook that he was home and feeling better and thanks for the prayers (local people knew because he had to cancel things ... my brother, who apparently was just not quite local enough -- a bit more than an hour away -- was really upset about that one ... my other brother and I are much further away and there wasn't much we could do, but it might still have been nice to know ... my mom WAS posting on FB while Dad was in the hospital). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt, but sometimes when you're diagnosed with an illness rehashing the details with everyone is painful and difficult, no matter how close. Other mediums--FB, email, etc.--spare the patient from having to repeat the same details over and over while they're still processing the dx themselves. I do understand why you're hurt, but try not to take it personally. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wy_kid_wrangler04 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Share Posted June 21, 2012 I understand that is is hard for her to talk about.. Just hard to learn like this. Just seems weird to put it on a site where you have over 100 gaming friends that you don't even know. I guess it wouldn't have hurt so much if it was on an email to family but there were people she has never met that knew before we did. Maybe your right. I shouldn't take it so personally. Just never thought I would see something like that so public (her page is open to all) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 It is her news, and it is her right to share these difficult news in any way she wants. I'd feel differently if it were happy news. But these kind of news--she did it in the way that felt the best to her at this moment. It is not about you. :chillpill: :iagree: There is no way to make that news anything other than terrible. The method of sharing the news that is most comfortable and appropriate for her is what matters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Gently.Sometimes it's easier to say things once. Facebook allowed her to tell everyone at once without having to go over it multiple times. Gently again. This is her illness, not yours. When my son was diagnosed and required surgery, I often made one bulk announcement on facebook. I didn't even tell anyone (other than my mother and aunt who were coming to help) about his surgery until AFTER the surgery date. Well meaning friends and family all ask the same questions and often want you to relive every word the doctors said and sometimes... that's too much to handle. On that note, I am so sorry that you are going through this. :iagree:, and I hope it one of the very curable ones. If it makes you feel any better, I heard about my father's cancer (which he recovered from) when an MD went up to my brother at a conference and told him the chemo was going great. NONE of us knew. I don't think he was going to tell us except through an autopsy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry. I keep my friends list pretty tight and when my dh was nearly killed in an accident, I was so overwhelmed and numb and being bombarded with calls and messages and being torn with knowing people needed/wanted to know and getting my kids settled and okay and wanting to be in the trauma unit with HIM that...I posted it on FB. I will admit that it was a real blessing to me to know that people who loved us and would pray for us could know and pray and get updates which took minimal time from me and enabled me to be with my dh and kids. I know it upset some people to not hear personally. But I did what I had/could do in the moment. I do NOT share that to *scold* you at all. I only share that to give you perspective from the other pov. I am torn about still because being on the RECEIVING end of that news...it would have been hard to read it on FB. But...I did it. Praying for you and your family :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Gently.Sometimes it's easier to say things once. Facebook allowed her to tell everyone at once without having to go over it multiple times. I think that is true. I might call my mom but I don't know how many times I could say such a thing. Sometimes it is just hard to get bad news out of your mouth, ya know? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I hope you can find some comforting words for her, and I hope she finds the road to recovery. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I sort of know what you mean... I found out a dear friend was divorcing when her facebook last name changed! I was a bridesmaid for her. That is not quite the same as a family member, though. I wonder if people sometimes just can't make any more long, sad phone calls without breaking down, and use the splatter approach via facebook to avoid that. I'm so sorry your relative is ill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I just logged onto my facebook account to read that a VERY close family member of mine has thyroid cancer. Seriously??? Since when is that how you let CLOSE family members know about this??? Maybe I am over reacting but it hurt to read something like that on a social internet network. That puts me, a close family member, at the same rank of "gaming friends" that she has never met before :crying: I am really starting to hate this facebook obsession this society seems to have.. Sorry, vent over :grouphug: That is a rotten way to find out such important news from a close family member (or friend). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Another thought. Posting something like that on Facebook guarantees you'll get a lot of supportive responses. Whether they come from close family or gaming friends, sometimes a person just needs an avalanche of support. When my brother died I was surprised at how comforting it was to log onto FB and find all the condolences from people, even when I barely knew some of them and hadn't talked to others for years. She may have just needed that kind of response in that moment. Regardless, it doesn't matter. People do weird things when their world has just been turned upside down. She gets a pass for this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt, but sometimes when you're diagnosed with an illness rehashing the details with everyone is painful and difficult, no matter how close. Other mediums--FB, email, etc.--spare the patient from having to repeat the same details over and over while they're still processing the dx themselves. I do understand why you're hurt, but try not to take it personally. I was thinking this. I think it would be really hard to call people you know just to let them know you have cancer. I wouldn't take it personally at all. Just trying to let lots of people know at once. She probably doesn't know how/want to? talk to tons of folks individually would be my guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Another thought. Posting something like that on Facebook guarantees you'll get a lot of supportive responses. Whether they come from close family or gaming friends, sometimes a person just needs an avalanche of support. When my brother died I was surprised at how comforting it was to log onto FB and find all the condolences from people, even when I barely knew some of them and hadn't talked to others for years. She may have just needed that kind of response in that moment. Regardless, it doesn't matter. People do weird things when their world has just been turned upside down. She gets a pass for this. :grouphug: :iagree: Some people handle delivering news like this really well. I think it would be so difficult for me, I would want a way to tell everyone at once. I am sorry for your hurt, which I understand. I hope the cancer is curable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wy_kid_wrangler04 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Share Posted June 21, 2012 I didn't mean to sound mean or unsupportive of her.. just not how I expected to find out. I talked to her on the phone for about an hour. They have to do more testing to determine the exact kind/extent of the cancer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I didn't mean to sound mean or unsupportive of her.. just not how I expected to find out. I talked to her on the phone for about an hour. They have to do more testing to determine the exact kind/extent of the cancer. :grouphug: It's so hard to not take these things personally and NOT think of yourself. I've done this in my head as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I didn't mean to sound mean or unsupportive of her.. just not how I expected to find out. I talked to her on the phone for about an hour. They have to do more testing to determine the exact kind/extent of the cancer. :grouphug::grouphug: I didn't think you sounded mean or unsupportive at all!! I thought you sounded shocked and hurt. Like I said, it made me rethink the choice that *I* made. I DID call my parents and his parents...our parents called our sibs. Beyond that...well, I was in shock myself. Now, I regret if anyone felt like you do. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: I didn't think you sounded mean or unsupportive at all!! I thought you sounded shocked and hurt. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt, but sometimes when you're diagnosed with an illness rehashing the details with everyone is painful and difficult, no matter how close. Other mediums--FB, email, etc.--spare the patient from having to repeat the same details over and over while they're still processing the dx themselves. I do understand why you're hurt, but try not to take it personally. This is where I am at with it, Friend. From personal experience I can tell you that it is exhausting to repeat time and again all the details. Send her a personal not, let her know you saw and you are praying. Let her know that you are there for her any time she needs. I say this gently and with love, this was done not to hurt anyone but to relieve much stress on her part. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry. I think that the person who said that rehashing/telling so many people individually (ESPECIALLY close family members) is just too much on top of dealing with the diagnosis is right. This is definitely true for my dad. So, I learned that his dad dies in a mass email, and I learned that he'd been hospitalied for a stroke when he posted on Facebook that he was home and feeling better and thanks for the prayers (local people knew because he had to cancel things ... my brother, who apparently was just not quite local enough -- a bit more than an hour away -- was really upset about that one ... my other brother and I are much further away and there wasn't much we could do, but it might still have been nice to know ... my mom WAS posting on FB while Dad was in the hospital). :iagree: We posted a FB request to pray for my MIL (it was directed only to family and ministry FB friends... not public) as she was admitted to the hospital. No detail of the actual situation. But asking everyone to pray for her. Soon after posting that on FB, I get an email from hubby's aunt telling me her son told her what was on FB -- and I was dead wrong. MIL is fine. I was like, :confused: "Wh-aaaa?" She lives 2,000 miles away and had no clue about the stroke MIL just had and her brother (my FIL) never likes to talk to her. I called her on the phone and then explained to her that MIL is in the ICU right now and it was not a stroke, but a massive brain tumor. You could have cut the silent response on the other end of the phone with a knife... oh my. Then she gets all apologetic and calls her brother. He verifies everything but really doesn't want to talk to her as this is too much for him. He gives me the phone to talk to her. DUH!! ;) ETA: When MIL died and as we were handling the funeral (FIL still was no help and hubby & I were in charge) -- I was surprised to talk to many people and life-long friends who had no clue MIL was dealing with cancer for over a year. One person whom I know is a close friend but lives out of state was in shock. He asked me why they never shared that info. I shrugged and said, "They are private folk. We had to tell family on our own." Everyone deals with sad news in a different way. And having to deal with notifying everyone about MIL's death... it was exhausting to do it the old-fashioned way. Edited June 21, 2012 by tex-mex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt, but sometimes when you're diagnosed with an illness rehashing the details with everyone is painful and difficult, no matter how close. Other mediums--FB, email, etc.--spare the patient from having to repeat the same details over and over while they're still processing the dx themselves. I do understand why you're hurt, but try not to take it personally. :iagree: Although I would not post something like that on facebook, I can empathize with someone who finds it easier to reveal bad news by written word than in person or on phone. When my family suffered a tragedy, I literally was speechless for a few days. Anytime I tried to utter a syllable, I burst out in unintelligble sobs. Another family member had to relay the news, contact my employer, and take care of other matters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2samlibby Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 It is her news, and it is her right to share these difficult news in any way she wants. I'd feel differently if it were happy news. But these kind of news--she did it in the way that felt the best to her at this moment. It is not about you. :chillpill: :iagree: Let's put yourself in that person's shoes. It's hard enough to digest that you have cancer without having to tell/call a bunch of people to tell them. My husband was diagnosed with cancer in 07. I would have loved to have just put the word out on facebook. One sentence and done -- the news it out there and I didn't have to try to talk about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 My aunt and uncle do cancer updates via Facebook rather than by phone. One reason is that it lets everyone know, another (bigger) reason is that they don't have to go through the conversation roughly over 100 times (big family). It saves them emotional energy and trauma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I'm struggling with this now but I will be the one posting the update. My mom has a brain tumor and things are moving very quickly. I will not post about her condition on FB out of respect for my dad who doesn't want that. However, I will likely post funeral arrangements. It feels tacky, yet totally practical and almost necessary. Of course, anyone very close to my mom will already know. It will be a surprise to friends I haven't talked to in a month or so. I'm struggling with it and it doesn't feel exactly "right" but I'll probably end up doing it anyway. Sorry you are hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I didn't mean to sound mean or unsupportive of her.. just not how I expected to find out. I talked to her on the phone for about an hour. They have to do more testing to determine the exact kind/extent of the cancer. You didn't sound unsupportive at all. You sounded shocked. Anybody would be. I'm glad you felt that this was a safe place to vent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tabrizia Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :iagree: Let's put yourself in that person's shoes. It's hard enough to digest that you have cancer without having to tell/call a bunch of people to tell them. My husband was diagnosed with cancer in 07. I would have loved to have just put the word out on facebook. One sentence and done -- the news it out there and I didn't have to try to talk about it. When DS had his accident I caked my Inlaws and my parents, but technically the news was on Facebook before I even talked to my parents. I was in shock, I wanted to let everyone know as quicky as possible and taking to more then my inlaws and parents on the phone was just not something I was capable of at that point in time. Yes I would have liked to call more people, but after rehashing it for the police five times, my Inlaws and then my parents I didn't have the mental energy to go through it again. Posting it on Facebook let everyone know what was going on, got the story out there and let people call me so I could talk if I had the energy, but I didn't have to if I didn't. It ask gave a good place to keep all my friends, yes even gaming friends, and family updated in one spot. Also as mentioned the hundred or so supportive messages were really helpful just to know how many people were thinking of DS. It wasn't a slight of any family it was just the easiest way to let everyone know especially when dealing with the immediate shock and medical emergency pieces. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
black_midori Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I'd probably share difficult news this way, too. It would give me the time to think up exactly what I want to say & how - post it - and be done. Calling everyone would involve repeating the same sordid details over and over and over - like a never-ending torture device. Most of my close family members don't use facebook, though, so I'd probably send an email too. I think after some time to process, I would be able to start talking to people directly about it - but I can totally see not wanting to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: I didn't think you sounded mean or unsupportive at all!! I thought you sounded shocked and hurt. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 So sorry you are hurt. :grouphug: When my son was diagnosed with cancer I did not want to hear people say how sorry they were and I did not have time to call people while I was dealing with the news and options. I called my parents and one friend from church, and they called some people and everyone shared the caringbridge page we set up for him (adults were not on FB at the time lol). I am sure people were upset, but the other option was not knowing for weeks until we finally got around to talking to people that had not read the CB page or had not talked to one of the three people we called. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I didn't mean to sound mean or unsupportive of her.. just not how I expected to find out. I talked to her on the phone for about an hour. They have to do more testing to determine the exact kind/extent of the cancer. I remember when my dh's cousin was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, her doctor said that if she was going to get cancer, at least she got a highly curable type, so even though I don't know your family member's situation, I hope she gets the same encouragement from her doctors. (BTW, I have known two people with thyroid cancer, and both had surgery to remove their thyroids -- and I think one may have also had some radiation treatments, but I'm not sure any more -- and they are both still here more than 15 years later and are totally cancer-free. I'll pray for the same result for your relative. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt, but sometimes when you're diagnosed with an illness rehashing the details with everyone is painful and difficult, no matter how close. Other mediums--FB, email, etc.--spare the patient from having to repeat the same details over and over while they're still processing the dx themselves. I do understand why you're hurt, but try not to take it personally. :iagree: I have found out about two family losses this way. It's not meant to be impersonal, sometimes it's just too hard for people to call and say out loud. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geo Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt, but sometimes when you're diagnosed with an illness rehashing the details with everyone is painful and difficult, no matter how close. Other mediums--FB, email, etc.--spare the patient from having to repeat the same details over and over while they're still processing the dx themselves. I do understand why you're hurt, but try not to take it personally. :iagree::iagree::iagree: I had cancer 10 1/2 years ago, I was pregnant at the time...my phone rang off the hook after every single Oncologist appt. I wouldn't take the calls right away because I really needed to process the incredibly negative information they were giving me....like recommending that I have a complete hysterectomy with my baby still in the womb.:eek: I was about 24-26 weeks at the time. Oddly, I found that nearly all the calls were people who would be upset/emotional and I would have to encourage them and help them handle the whole thing. One woman even became angry at me when she had to wait until the next day for me to return her call! When I explained the delicacies of the situation she told me in no uncertain terms that, "if you don't feel like talking, then you should have put ALL the information on your answering machine so that whoever called would still be able to get it....because we care about you." :001_huh: Bull-pucky. Since then, here's advice I've given to friends and family of someone with cancer: It's not about you, don't expect the immediately affected family to think about you or your feelings right now. This is not the time for that. Times like this can be incredibly frightening, and monstrously negative. Dr.s don't hold back...they often focus on what can go bad. It's their job. It can be difficult to just not expect to die. Seriously. Depression is always a spector looming in shadows waiting for the weak. In fact, if you've heard the cancer news through someone else, rather than the afflicted family...then you can bet that they are personally withdrawing right now...they may have even told family members not to inform people so as to avoid the rehashing of negative information over and over...it's a cocoon of sorts....call it "taking care of Numero Uno". Send a card instead, with promises to pray for their strength and health, that you love them most dearly and that they can always look to you for hugs and support. If they're nearby, drop off a meal to put in the freezer for when their not feeling up to snuff, etc. Clean their house, pick up laundry and return it clean & folded. This is a time to let your love for this person to show itself in a practical, selfless way. You will never regret it, and they will never forget it. Edited June 21, 2012 by Geo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Could be she thought it was an easy way to inform others without having to look at them and say it. It's not just hard to hear that info, it's also hard to say it. I don't like FB either for a variety of reasons, mostly the invasion of privacy. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 i'm sorry that it struck you that way. i wonder how long you'd have had to wait to know if you weren't on face book? you've had some good replies from folks who have been on the other side of that kind of posting. communities of people use facebook differently. in our community (and family) we would post something like that. that way, everyone has a chance to hear at once, and to hear the same thing. when they call, its to express caring rather than to get information, which is more helpful and easier. even my mom's generation, in their 80s, are now keeping in touch via facebook.... mom found out about her best friend's hospitalization when that friend's granddaughter posted that she'd just had a call from her mom about grandma.... and thankfully was grateful to know... so i would call my mom before posting, but i think our adult daughters would post and then think "maybe i should call mom". any relationship beyond that, face book is the current "family room".... :grouphug: ann ps. our gaming friends aren't our facebook friends.... (it used to be like that, but isn't anymore), and we all have "friends only" security settings.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Lousy, I'm sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 My cancer was diagnosed in 1992, way before smart phones, I didn't even have a cell phone. I remember being in tears driving around trying to find a pay phone after I'd left the doctor's office. I had gotten a frantic call from the doctor to come in THAT MOMENT, so dh didn't even know I'd went to the doctor. I barely kept it together long enough to get home. The only phone calls we made were to my parents and his mother. We let the chain of command take over after that. As others have said it is very draining to make more calls, people all perceive cancer differently. It bites, it sucks, I'm crying this morning because of Julie's dh. When you are still in shock from a diagnosis it's really hard to share. People really want to know two things 1. how bad is it and 2. are you going to die. Many times at a diagnosis you don't know. Those are questions that you don't want to face yourself and you know people are thinking it. I can absolutely see posting it on facebook. Because I'm a private person I probably wouldn't have done it in the doctor's office, but it would be the next day. I'm glad you got to talk to her, but extend some grace and just be there now. Being there really does make a difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I understand that is is hard for her to talk about.. Just hard to learn like this. Just seems weird to put it on a site where you have over 100 gaming friends that you don't even know. I guess it wouldn't have hurt so much if it was on an email to family but there were people she has never met that knew before we did. But maybe all those 100 gaming friends didn't see this news. 1. When I had Facebook friends I knew only for gaming I put them in a group together and ALL my other updates were posted "except for members of gaming group" 2. She could also have made a "family and friends" group and only those in that group can see this particular update even if her wall was generally more open. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 But maybe all those 100 gaming friends didn't see this news. 1. When I had Facebook friends I knew only for gaming I put them in a group together and ALL my other updates were posted "except for members of gaming group" 2. She could also have made a "family and friends" group and only those in that group can see this particular update even if her wall was generally more open. :iagree: I have a friends group set up for my gaming friends, and a friends group set up for friends & family. A couple of people are in both groups. I post personal info only to my friends & family group. I post game stuff only to my game group. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tntgoodwin Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 It is her news, and it is her right to share these difficult news in any way she wants. I'd feel differently if it were happy news. But these kind of news--she did it in the way that felt the best to her at this moment. It is not about you. :chillpill: :iagree::iagree: Gently.Sometimes it's easier to say things once. Facebook allowed her to tell everyone at once without having to go over it multiple times. Gently again. This is her illness, not yours. When my son was diagnosed and required surgery, I often made one bulk announcement on facebook. I didn't even tell anyone (other than my mother and aunt who were coming to help) about his surgery until AFTER the surgery date. Well meaning friends and family all ask the same questions and often want you to relive every word the doctors said and sometimes... that's too much to handle. On that note, I am so sorry that you are going through this. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I know that others have posted what I am also going to say, but I wanted to chime in. When we were told that "something is wrong" with our oldest, I was shocked. Our pediatrician was guessing it would be cerebral palsy and being deaf. (It turned out to be profound autism). I was pregnant with our middle daughter at the time. I was horrified and ignored all phone calls from family members for the few days it took to get to a pediatric neurologist (our daughter was 12 months old at the time). The ped neuro not only confirmed that something was indeed wrong, she said that because it presented so early we should postpone having more kids in case it was something genetic as well. We thought maybe she had misunderstood and reminded her that I was pregnant. She paused and then told us very comfortingly that nobody would blame us if we chose not to have the baby. My husband straight asked if she was suggesting an abortion. She said she wasn't suggesting it, just letting us know that if it was genetic, our next child would potentially have it and that nobody in the medical community would blame us for having an abortion. (We didn't have the abortion by the way and other than celiac disease, our middle daughter is in wonderful health. Ironically, not only does she NOT have cognitive impairments, she was classified as gifted). By that point, I completely turned the ringers off of our phones and just checked messages every couple of days for doctor updates. I developed a condition (that I can't remember the name of, but it had the word hysteria in it) where I could no longer speak. I could barely whisper. It lasted for about three weeks, but it was about two months before I could talk to family members about what was going on. (DH ended up calling some family members and asking them to give me space). I would have used facebook if I could. And honestly, at that point in time, the world split into two different categories. One contained myself, DH and DD. The other category was everyone else. It wasn't to hurt anyone, it was because I simply couldn't cope any other way. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammi K Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I understand that is is hard for her to talk about.. Just hard to learn like this. Just seems weird to put it on a site where you have over 100 gaming friends that you don't even know. I guess it wouldn't have hurt so much if it was on an email to family but there were people she has never met that knew before we did. Maybe your right. I shouldn't take it so personally. Just never thought I would see something like that so public (her page is open to all) It is possible to restrict your FB post so that only family/close friends can see them. Perhaps that's what she did. (Can you give her the benefit of the doubt?) :grouphug: I agree she may not have wanted to have to repeat it. Just yesterday a very dear lady we knew in our previous home passed away. The pastor informed a few people from the church but not everyone. Someone even closer to her found out through a friend of a friend of a friend kind of post on FB. That really hurt her that no one told her personally. No one intended to leave her out they just hadn't gotten to her yet. I guess with social media being what it is, sometimes it's better to be the first one to post because sooner or later, someone is bound to mention it. KWIM. Being hit with the news that you have cancer is so tough, I'm guessing she was thinking about the best way for her to tell people not for the best way for you to hear it. I'm sorry you were hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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