Question about step-parents

[Mimm]

I have a friend who is in a relationship with a man who has two children from a previous relationship. (Both under the age of ten. I'm not sure how old they are exactly.) My friend also has baby boy with this man. His children live with their mother a few hours away and come to stay with their father every other weekend. She refers to her step-children as her children and this always startles me. But I realize I have nothing to compare it to. I don't have a lot of experience with step parents. :) So I'm asking how people feel about this?

 

She says things like in a facebook post, "My kids are getting so big!" and she mentioned "her daughter" doing something. Family pictures on the wall have all three kids in them. I know my friend is trying to be a good step mom and trying to treat all kids equally. She doesn't pretend to be their biological mom. She will say things like, "My kids are on their way back to their mom's house." Statements like this may require more explanation to people who don't know the family situation but whenever I've heard her say things like this, it's to people who do know the situation.

 

So... people who are step parents or who have step parents in their lives, how are step children referred to? Do you think treating kids as your own has a positive affect on the relationship? If you are a mom whose children have step parents, how do you feel about it?

[ktgrok]

I think that sounds pretty normal. I think saying "my step kids this" My step kids that....puts an awkward strain on things. And I say that as someone that is divorced, and remarried.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I think that sounds pretty normal. I think saying "my step kids this" My step kids that....puts an awkward strain on things. And I say that as someone that is divorced, and remarried.

 

:iagree:

 

She is being inclusive. If someone is confused she likely clears up the confusion.

[lionfamily1999]

Dh refers to dd as "my daughter." He has since we were married, but the first time she heard him say that was a year ago (he was on the phone). Dd cried. Dh has always treated her like his daughter, but she didn't know he felt that way completely until she overheard him call her his daughter. She has always called him first when she got in a scrape, so we just assumed she knew how he felt, but apparently the possesive "my" really touched her heart.

 

So ime it is ok and even good for a step-parent to say "my kids."

 

....at the same time...

 

I would be careful if you are not the step-parent. Dad's girlfriend is not Dad's wife.

[IATeachingMom]

Sounds about right.... I refer to him as "my son" also, however he does live with us full time.... I have other friends that do the same as your friend. I think it wears on the kids to hear step child this or that all the time. It just reminds them how different from "the real kid" that they are, I commend your friend for being so loving and inclusive..... it's not always easy.

[Greenmama2]

I think that sounds pretty normal. I think saying "my step kids this" My step kids that....puts an awkward strain on things. And I say that as someone that is divorced, and remarried.

 

My step-children are adults now but as teens (10 & 12 when I met DH) we didn't have a lot of contact (less than once a month). I used the "step" term, but if I had been caring for them and seen by outsiders to be responsible for them more frequently I would have dropped it unless speaking to someone who might know their mother well. As a stepchild myself I feel it is more inclusive.

[dakarimom5]

The only time I don't add my sdd is when I am talking to someone about my health or to someone that I will never see again. We have always said that there aren't any steps in our house. This means that your step brother is your brother whether you like him or not.

[MiniBlondes]

I am remarried and my husband refers to the girls as 'his daughters', 'our kids', 'our family', etc. If people are confused, he clears it up. We don't have any children together so these are all the kids that he has.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Same with foster kids....people are told in training to drop the "foster" part.

BTW, teachers and daycare providers claim kids also. So do caseworkers.

 

It is none of anyone's business how a family is made up. And it isn't healthy for kids to be deliberately outted as step, foster, separate and/or different.

[Ellie]

I would be careful if you are not the step-parent. Dad's girlfriend is not Dad's wife.

:iagree:

[Joanne]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lionfamily1999

I would be careful if you are not the step-parent. Dad's girlfriend is not Dad's wife.

 

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

The couple referenced in the OP have a bio child together. I would grant them "family" status.

[BinahYeteirah]

My stepfather refers to me as his daughter (and my children as his grandchildren). As far as I am concerned, he is at least as much my father as my biological father, despite the fact that I love my biological father and have a good relationship with him. He was the one who lived with me from a relatively young age and did most of the day-to-day parenting with my mother. I think it's wonderful when a step-parent feels that way about his or her step-children and refers to them accordingly.

[Joanne]

I am on both/all sides of this. I'd HARD to consider another woman thinking of herself as able to call MY kids HERS.

 

But, yet, when my DH calls my kids "his kids" it feels right.

 

I think ultimately, it's best to think in terms of family and use terms that are inclusive rather than exclusive. Particularly when there is not claim to being THE MOTHER or THE FATHER on the part of the step parent, I think in most cases, it's best to not differentiate by saying "step."

 

My kids are older, and in many ways, we are past all this. But I call all 4 of us (me, DH, xh, xh's dw) "your parent people" to my kids. We all play important, formative, shaping, (and infuriating ;)) roles in their lives.

 

I call DH's kids "his sons" and occassionally "my step sons." They were adults when I came along and I do not have anything resembling a parenting role in their lives.

[Rebecca VA]

Wow, that dredges up bad memories! My stepmother would refer to my brothers and me as "Edgar's (my father's) children." She wanted to make it very clear to everyone that we weren't *her* children, and that anything unlikeable about us should reflect on my dad and not on her. She often mentioned that although she knew my (deceased) mother, she was friends with my dad before she met my mom and was never really close to her or anything.

 

She would keep items from "her" side of the family on one side of the storage room, and items that my dad had brought into the marriage on the other side.

 

I'm sure she thought she was being practical and wise to do those things, but every time she did it it was like a knife cutting through my heart and making a separation in our family.

[Impish]

I would be careful if you are not the step-parent. Dad's girlfriend is not Dad's wife.

:iagree:

I'm in the situation of being from a blended family, and having a blended family. I had my eldest and Diva before I met Wolf.

 

Wolf tells ppl he has 5 kids, brags about the eldest being in the Navy, etc. I've fought the giggles on more than one occassion when ppl have commented that Diva looks more like Wolf than the rest of the kids :lol:

 

But, Wolf is the only Dad my elder kids ever knew. There wasn't anyone in their lives w/that role/title before him.

 

From another angle...I don't think I'd be happy at all if Wolf and I broke up and his gf was referring to our kids as hers. And to take it a step further, I can pretty much guarantee that our kids would be furious if anyone but Wolf and I referred to the kids as being theirs.

 

So, there are several reasons I wouldn't be comfortable w/that claim. Hopefully, it's never something we need to deal w/.

[clarkacademy]

I would be very uncomfortable with a person calling my children their own. I would not call other children mine either unless their mother was totally out of the picture. I know it may not be a popular opinion as there are alot of step-families on this board. My now ex and I decided years ago that would never ever be tolerated on either side.

 

It would really hurt him and me for that matter. We have both as children already seen the damage it can do to a child to have another adult pushed at them as a parent and we just would never do such a thing to our kids. This is just something I do not agree with at all. I think it is disresectful to the real parent.

[mama2cntrykids]

:iagree:

I'm in the situation of being from a blended family, and having a blended family. I had my eldest and Diva before I met Wolf.

 

Wolf tells ppl he has 5 kids, brags about the eldest being in the Navy, etc. I've fought the giggles on more than one occassion when ppl have commented that Diva looks more like Wolf than the rest of the kids :lol:

 

But, Wolf is the only Dad my elder kids ever knew. There wasn't anyone in their lives w/that role/title before him.

 

From another angle...I don't think I'd be happy at all if Wolf and I broke up and his gf was referring to our kids as hers. And to take it a step further, I can pretty much guarantee that our kids would be furious if anyone but Wolf and I referred to the kids as being theirs.

 

So, there are several reasons I wouldn't be comfortable w/that claim. Hopefully, it's never something we need to deal w/.

 

:iagree:with much of what you said. I *am* a step-parent and I have conflicting views of this. My step-son has been with us fulltime since he's been 10 yrs old. His mother gave him up to my husband (who had adopted him before he and his now ex divorced).

 

At first, I refered to step-ds as my ds. As he grew and was pulling away, it changed. I was sensing that he wasn't comfortable with it, so it changed. It's really hard and complicated *for us*. Many very difficult situations have come along, and well, I should stop before some one jumps on me.

 

Anyway. It's not always black/white. It can be touchy and a sore issue. That's my experience with it. Everyone has different experience. Some better. Some worse, but different.

 

I'm not looking to debate. I'm just sharing what it's been like for us:001_smile:.

[The Girls' Mom]

I had a step-dad growing up, and to him I WAS his daughter. There was no distinction with him between me and my half-brother. He always, always introduced me as his daughter, even when I was a bratty teenager that didn't always appreciate him. I loved him for that.

 

On the flip side of that, I have a step-mother that came into my life as an adult. It does rub me the wrong way if she refers to me as one of her kids. But she has never been a mother figure in my life. I think that is an issue I have to work out though...not a reflection on her.

Edited June 14, 2012 by Apryl H

[Tarreymere]

We have an odd, blended family with bio kids, step-kids, and adopted kids. Dh and I refer to all of the kids as our kids. The kids who have living adult family members that are either parents or in the parent category refer to the kids as their kids. No one minds, you can never have too much family. We refer to ourselves as a tribe. I'm sure it gets confusing to people who don't know us. One dd's new husband requested a chart.

 

Sometimes a kid is angry with me over something stupid and will then announce that I am no longer a grandmother to her offspring. They instruct the grandchild to call me by my first name :lol: instead! Dh is always grandpa, however.

[beaners]

Wow, just reading this made me realize I have SO much baggage attached to this label.

 

My parents both remarried when I was around the age of the OP's children. My mother remarried a third time when I was an adult. (Within a few weeks of my own marriage.) My parents got along very well after they divorced. I think my mother takes pride in not finding discomfort in what are uncomfortable situations for everyone else involved.

 

I don't *think* my step-mother ever called me "her daughter," but she certainly wasn't nasty in the way she referred to me. She's not a particularly warm person to begin with, so it would have been incredibly awkward if she had. My own children call her by her first name at her request, which is the same thing I called her growing up.

 

My first step-father and I argued horribly. He would do and say things to deliberately provoke me, and I was certainly not mature enough to ignore him. I wasn't particularly easy to get along with either. I would have been furious if he had called me his daughter. I'm a little more sympathetic toward him now, based on the way a few things played out, but that's more a lack of loathing than any kind of fondness.

 

And then my second step-father. Like I said, he came along when I was already an adult. He does have children of his own that he has absolutely no contact with by his own choice. He does refer to my siblings and me as his children. He calls my children his grandchildren. His daughter is due with a baby a few months after I am, and he wants nothing to do with her or the child. I think she was still in middle school when he last saw her. There aren't words for how much it bothers me that he has used my siblings and me to "replace" his own children. He calls us his children and my children his grandchildren in a well-meaning way, and my mother thinks it is wonderful. It creeps me out. I'd never say anything about what he calls us, but I have suggested they show a little more grace to his children. That's usually met with stony silence.

 

So I would definitely say that whether or not it is acceptable depends on how the child feels about it too. If the step-parent has a warm and loving parent-like relationship, and the child welcomes it, great! If not, just calling a child your own is not going to make a strained relationship better. Divorce and remarriage is so tricky and so much is dependent on the particular people, both adults and children, involved.

[Night Elf]

My DH is a step-parent to my oldest daughter. He always refers to her as his daughter. She was 3 when I got remarried. She called him by his first name because that is how I introduced him.

 

Her stepmom also refers to her as her daughter. She married dd20's dad when dd was 8 years old. She calls her stepmom by her first name as well.

 

I'm pretty sure she always calls her step-parents her step-parents. I have never heard her refer to either one as mom or dad.

 

My stepdad calls me his daughter, but I don't call him dad.

[*********]

I refer to my stepson and my stepdaughter.

 

They spend about 1/3 of their time here at dad's. But their mom 'raises' them; she has them most of the time, they go to public school from her house, etc.

 

I love my stepchildren very much. We have good relationships. I'd do anything for them, and they know that.

 

But I'm not their mom. They *have* a mom. I'm their stepmom; and you know what? That's ok. It's not a bad thing to be a stepmom. It's not 'less than', it's not evil. It just *is*.

 

I think also I have a lot of baggage from my own childhood, where I was required to call my stepmom 'mom', and where she always presented herself as my mother instead of my stepmother. I resented that; she was VERY much trying to replace my mom. So, I never wanted my stepkids to feel like that. They don't have to 'choose' between mom and me. They get both of us.

 

For Mother's Day, dss and dsd went and got me a gift. When they gave it to me, they said 'Bethany, you've always been like a mother to us, so we wanted to get you something for Mother's Day'. It almost made me cry. Those kids are something special.

 

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with a stepmom referring to her stepkids as her kids. I do think, however, that a stepmom should be sensitive to how others feel about that; which includes not only the stepchildren, but their biological mom as well.

[xixstar]

My husband says he has 3 daughters (one is through marriage). He really doesn't get the whole blended family concept but mostly because I'm the only divorced person he really knows, so all those "strange titles" make no sense to him or his family. To call her anything else would be strange to him and his family.

 

Honestly, I am really bothered when I have friends that constantly refer to their "step" children especially in situations where they've been part of their life for many many years. I just don't see it being relevant. But then, the frustration is usually because using 'step' is only really oblivious when complaining about children and having a child that has a step-parent, I'm a little overly sensitive to that.

 

Sure there are lots of dynamics involved in blended families, I grew up with remarried parents and siblings by marriage as well. I always called them 'step' parents/siblings because it was so often said to me. But my stepmom would always call me her daughter and I always appreciated it though I never said so to her. I never really saw anything as an attempt to replace my mom, instead, just accepted that I was loved just as much as her children were.

[Mimm]

Thanks everyone for the different perspectives. I actually do have step parents of my own but my parents didn't divorce and remarry till after I was out of the house. I have no idea how either of my step parents refer to me or my siblings.

 

I would be careful if you are not the step-parent. Dad's girlfriend is not Dad's wife.

 

They live in the same home and have a child together. They are a married couple in every way except that they haven't actually gotten married.

 

The couple referenced in the OP have a bio child together. I would grant them "family" status.

 

Exactly. :)

[myfunnybunch]

When we married, my husband and I each had a daughter from our previous marriages. It was important to us that we commit to being a family, regardless of biological relationship. We consider all of the children ours regardless of the bio relationship, so we use language that reflects that. :)

 

I refer to my stepdaughter as my daughter. To my mind and heart, she is my daughter, wholeheartedly. (I did ask her for her preference, when we married and as a preteen and teen. She likes that I think of her as my daughter, and I understand that I'm not her mother. :) ) My husband refers to my daughter, his stepdaughter, as his daughter.

 

My daughter has a stepmother. She's so lovely and sweet. I think she mostly refers to my dd as her stepdaughter, but my dd was a teen when her dad and stepmom married. It wouldn't bother me in the least if she called my dd her daughter. :) She loves my daughter. That's what's important to me.

 

Oh, missed a question. I do think that referring to my stepdaughter as my daughter was a positive. In our case, with two girls close in age, and both living with us primarily, it was necessary.

 

Cat

Edited June 14, 2012 by myfunnybunch

[JeneralMom]

DH and I discussed this when we first got married and agreed that if either one of us remarried (due to death or divorce) the new partner would never be referred to as "Mom" or "Dad" and would not claim the children as their own. I would find it insulting to have another woman claim my children, especially if she only say them every other weekend. I can understand it if the other parent is not involved in the child's life, or the step-parent has been fully responsible for raising the child from a young age, but for a 10 year old..no way.

 

My Dad is remarried and I adore his wife, but I refer to her as "my Dad's wife" and she refers to me as "A's daughter". I call her by her first name and so do my kids. I wouldn't want it any other way.

[ezrabean2005]

I've been thinking about this thread for awhile. I'm not sure I can add anything helpful, so I've hesitated. As a step-parent to our older three children for ten years I know that no one else in our family is so carefully watched as myself. I know that I offend when I do not mean to. I know that when I use inclusive language, it is only to convey something that I want to share. I am proud of my step-kids and they are a part of my family.

 

I am quite positive that the children's biological mother would be offended by what I say, however, she is offended by my existence. My point is that if a child is loved by an adult, what is the harm? It will never be confusing to the child since they know who their real parents are. A step-parent has a terrible time saying the simplest things because it is a mine field for everyone. Most often they are the ones that are hurt over and over and must still appear "normal".

 

I would hope that my step-kids know that I care about them. It's hard to convey in the same way though. I would hope that someday their mother will see how my life is twisted over in a hundred ways to include them, care about them, and show them affection. It's not just a way to "get her". It's because I care about DH and them. Since having one of my "own", I get how much simpler it is without the complicated relationships of blended families. But my income, my energy, my home, and my affection reaches our older three just the same as our youngest...

 

I guess I'd hope you'd give her a break and understand her motives are only good.

Edited June 14, 2012 by ezrabean2005

[Danestress]

Really, you have no idea unless you have done it. I know Moms in general feel scrutinized and like they take unnecessary shots in the "Mommy wars" but believe me when I say that no women on earth get scrutinized the way step-mothers do. They can never win, and I think this thread sort of points that out. If they say, "My daughter" they are presumptuous. If they say, "My step-daughter" they are cold. No matter what they do, someone will be talking about it.

 

I was a Step-Mom for a few years before I adopted my now son. His first Mom had died. I did call him my "step-son." We have managed to navigate this path really well, and I think part of it was that I didn't enter in with "big happy family" expectation. I understood that we may or may not end up resembling a normal family, he may or may not ever see me as truly as "Mom" and that either way was okay. It was okay to be loving and affectionate but not quite "mother/son." So the pressure was off both of us.

 

As it turned out, he badly wanted a mother, and I adore him. Over time, we evolved into very normal mother/son relations, so I definitely forget at times, unless someone points it out, that he's not "really mine." And believe me, people point it out. There are people who have have probably reminded 6 times, "Actually, I adopted him, so he's not my step-son." I mean, it's been almost 20 years, lol.

 

Anyway, I went on a bit long. Sorry. I think we need to work on changing the negative connotations connected with being step families. "Step" is great. We shouldn't be ashamed to say it.

[Joani]

I'm pretty new to being a step-parent, but I don't think I'll be calling them my daughter and sons. They live with us full time, but they know their mom and call me by my first name. My kids do the same to Dh.

 

I've tried so far not to make a big distinction between "my kids" and "his kids". I've been sticking with "our kids", "the kids", "the girls", "the boys" etc.

[stripe]

I no longer care. My MIL calls me her daughter. (I am not in an incestuous relationship.) I think it's very personal and applaud her for showing warmth to the other kids. I would leave the details up to each family to sort out.

[AimeeM]

I would be very uncomfortable with a person calling my children their own. I would not call other children mine either unless their mother was totally out of the picture. I know it may not be a popular opinion as there are alot of step-families on this board. My now ex and I decided years ago that would never ever be tolerated on either side.

 

It would really hurt him and me for that matter. We have both as children already seen the damage it can do to a child to have another adult pushed at them as a parent and we just would never do such a thing to our kids. This is just something I do not agree with at all. I think it is disresectful to the real parent.

.

Edited June 14, 2012 by AimeeM

[lionfamily1999]

The couple referenced in the OP have a bio child together. I would grant them "family" status.

I didn't say they weren't, but I was not sure of their particular situation and wanted to be clear that my post was not referring to just anyone who dates a person with children. I know enough adults pushed into these quasiparental relationships as children to know it is not healthy. Dh had a slew of step-fathers and between them his mother dated a lot. Enough of those men tried to be instadaddies to make being a stepfather and biological father difficult for dh. The lines had been so blurred when he was a child that he did not understand where they were as an adult.

 

So, they may be a family and she may be their parent forever, but possesives should not be taken on and used lightly. If they are, indeed HER kids and she is committed to them, great.

:iagree:

I'm in the situation of being from a blended family, and having a blended family. I had my eldest and Diva before I met Wolf.

 

Wolf tells ppl he has 5 kids, brags about the eldest being in the Navy, etc. I've fought the giggles on more than one occassion when ppl have commented that Diva looks more like Wolf than the rest of the kids :lol:

 

But, Wolf is the only Dad my elder kids ever knew. There wasn't anyone in their lives w/that role/title before him.

 

From another angle...I don't think I'd be happy at all if Wolf and I broke up and his gf was referring to our kids as hers. And to take it a step further, I can pretty much guarantee that our kids would be furious if anyone but Wolf and I referred to the kids as being theirs.

 

So, there are several reasons I wouldn't be comfortable w/that claim. Hopefully, it's never something we need to deal w/.

:iagree: Dh would not cotton to it.

They live in the same home and have a child together. They are a married couple in every way except that they haven't actually gotten married.

Ok :)

[aggieamy]

I would be very uncomfortable with a person calling my children their own. I would not call other children mine either unless their mother was totally out of the picture. I know it may not be a popular opinion as there are alot of step-families on this board. My now ex and I decided years ago that would never ever be tolerated on either side.

 

It would really hurt him and me for that matter. We have both as children already seen the damage it can do to a child to have another adult pushed at them as a parent and we just would never do such a thing to our kids. This is just something I do not agree with at all. I think it is disresectful to the real parent.

 

I will respectfully disagree - assuming the step parent is a good person. I think it is a natural byproduct of divorce... there will be others raising your children at times. I think that there is so much more to being a parent than birthing a child. If you expect your ex husband's wife (general "you", not specific, lol) to treat them as well as her own, to love them, and to take care of them as much as she does/would her own, why on earth is she not considered a "real" parent?

 

I agree with Aimee. How is it disrespectful to someone to love and treat their child as well as you can? I would hope that if I should die DH would find someone that will be a wonderful mother to our children so they didn't have to grow up without one or with a step-mother that didn't consider them hers.

 

Real parent. Ugh. Step-mothers don't expect to be called "mom" but it's really insulting to not be considered a real parent to the child particularly when you are responsible for a majority of the child care out of the three or four parents a child has. Dealing with a kid throwing up at 3 am? Real parenting. Helping save money from your paycheck for the child to go to college? Real parenting. Discussing hurt feelings from mean girls on the playground? Real parenting.

[Impish]

Like I said, I'm coming from a place where I haven't had to deal w/stepparenting. Wolf is the only Dad my kids have ever known, so there wasn't any toes to step on, so to speak. The role was completely vacant until he came along.

 

I *do* think that there is a difference btwn that and a situation where the other parent is alive and involved, and parenting the children.

 

Wolf and I have discussed this before...what if we divorced? We both agreed that he's The Dad, I'm The Mom, and that's all there was to it.

 

I'm not saying that our way is the only way, or even the right way, but it's how we both feel about it.

[lionfamily1999]

I agree with Aimee. How is it disrespectful to someone to love and treat their child as well as you can? I would hope that if I should die DH would find someone that will be a wonderful mother to our children so they didn't have to grow up without one or with a step-mother that didn't consider them hers.

 

Real parent. Ugh. Step-mothers don't expect to be called "mom" but it's really insulting to not be considered a real parent to the child particularly when you are responsible for a majority of the child care out of the three or four parents a child has. Dealing with a kid throwing up at 3 am? Real parenting. Helping save money from your paycheck for the child to go to college? Real parenting. Discussing hurt feelings from mean girls on the playground? Real parenting.

 

:iagree:

[KidsHappen]

Personally, I think that for the most part it is best for the participants to figure out between themselves what they are most comfortable calling each other. I am not even going to try and explain the chart flow behinds these names but my two step dds originally called me aunt mom. Now they call me by my name and I do the same of them but we generally refer to each other as mothers and dds unless there is some reason to be more specific or fromal. My ex-hubby had a child from a previous marriage. I was his first step mother. Since then his father has remarried and now he has another step mother. He referred to all of us as his mother. One time someone was asking him a question about his mother and he asked which one? Both of my oldest call my hubby by his name and he calls them by theirs but they definitely consider themselves biological not step.

 

Has anyone ever heard the line in the Edie Brickell song, "Swinging from the branch of a broken family tree"? That's us. Our family tree is all gnarled and twisted. If a geneologist were trying to construct it on paper, I would imagine lots of arrows, loops, X's, cross outs, white outs, bridges and other non-traditional markings trying to indicate the relationships. That's why we just call each other family. In my opinion it isn't really important how we become family, just that we are.

[K&Rs Mom]

My stepmom has always done this, and I've never liked it. OTOH, I refer to my stepsiblings as my sister/brother, which is not really any different. One of my stepsiblings always introduces us as "this is my stepsister" which just seems awkward.

[beaners]

I agree with Aimee. How is it disrespectful to someone to love and treat their child as well as you can? I would hope that if I should die DH would find someone that will be a wonderful mother to our children so they didn't have to grow up without one or with a step-mother that didn't consider them hers.

 

Real parent. Ugh. Step-mothers don't expect to be called "mom" but it's really insulting to not be considered a real parent to the child particularly when you are responsible for a majority of the child care out of the three or four parents a child has. Dealing with a kid throwing up at 3 am? Real parenting. Helping save money from your paycheck for the child to go to college? Real parenting. Discussing hurt feelings from mean girls on the playground? Real parenting.

 

Not every step-mother does those things though, especially if they come into the picture after early childhood.

 

When I said earlier that my step-mother wasn't a warm person, I didn't mean she was vile. She wasn't naturally affectionate. It's her personality. I don't think I ever had a single heart-to-heart talk with her during my teenage years. She is my father's wife, and she has been in my life for a long time. She isn't a mother figure to me though. She doesn't need to be just because she is married to my father.

 

This is why it's such an individual decision. What others have found warm and loving would seem fake and put-on in my life. It wouldn't be genuine and welcomed here, but it's a crucial part of the relationship for a lot of other people.

[EJCMom]

I'm not a stepmom, but I am a stepdaughter. My stepmom refers to me as her daughter. I appreciate it. She doesn't try to take the place of my mom, but it's nice to know that she considers me more like a child rather than just the daughter of the man she's married to.

[Parker Martin]

I have never been a stepparent, but I've been a stepchild. I prefer the step-titles, but when I've been referred to simply as "daughter," I've taken it for the loving sentiment intended.

[Rosie_0801]

Mum's partner is most definitely Mum's partner. They got together after we were all grown, and we don't like him. That makes a huge difference! (The sort of fellow who makes you think burqas were a good invention. :glare:) Mum was, naturally, upset that my kids would call him by his name instead of a kinship term, but bad luck.

 

On the other hand, I refer to his grandson as their grandson. I know Mum doesn't because the lad has two grandmothers, and I'm sure she thinks it wouldn't be fair to be a grandmother to him when her partner isn't allowed to be a grandfather to mine. However, they babysit the boy twice a week so there is more grandparenting going on between them than there is between my mother and my kids in part because she lives on the opposite sides of the country.

 

Rosie

[Mimm]

Really, you have no idea unless you have done it. I know Moms in general feel scrutinized and like they take unnecessary shots in the "Mommy wars" but believe me when I say that no women on earth get scrutinized the way step-mothers do. They can never win, and I think this thread sort of points that out. If they say, "My daughter" they are presumptuous. If they say, "My step-daughter" they are cold. No matter what they do, someone will be talking about it.

 

I do see what you mean which is why I wasn't trying to criticize my friend. I know she is trying to be a good mom/step-mom. :) And I have no idea what conversations have been had about this. I'm sure they've talked about this.

 

And I agree that step-mothers need to stop having such a bad rap. One time my daughter said, "You're so mean! You're like a wicked step-mother!" :p

[clarkacademy]

I agree with Aimee. How is it disrespectful to someone to love and treat their child as well as you can? I would hope that if I should die DH would find someone that will be a wonderful mother to our children so they didn't have to grow up without one or with a step-mother that didn't consider them hers.

 

Real parent. Ugh. Step-mothers don't expect to be called "mom" but it's really insulting to not be considered a real parent to the child particularly when you are responsible for a majority of the child care out of the three or four parents a child has. Dealing with a kid throwing up at 3 am? Real parenting. Helping save money from your paycheck for the child to go to college? Real parenting. Discussing hurt feelings from mean girls on the playground? Real parenting.

 

I know what real parenting is because I have done it for 15 years now. I didn't get the right to be called mommy because I pushed them out either. I got that right from real parenting from the day they came in this world. I got that right by fighting for my disabled son, I got it when I held their hands and got up at all hours of the night. I got it when I owned a homedaycare and still flipped burgers at night.

 

Their daddy got it when he went to work with fevers and and anything else. We earned being their mom and dad and we would freak if some stranger came in and tried that I am a parent crap with our kids. Other families can view it however they decide.

 

Also my ex and I have always made it clear they are ours, we would never allow another person to help raise our kids or pay for our kids. I honestly do not understand why a woman would expect her husband to financially support her child from another man. I would feel shameful taking a mans money for one of my kids.

 

Unless me or their dad happens to die we would just never allow that situation with our children. Everyone has their own feelings but to me it is horribly disrectful. No woman has earned anything with these kids but me and no man has earned it but him.

 

I don't diss step parents my dad is one. He is my step dad I guess you could say but to me he is my dad. He didn't become my dad until I was in my 20's and my father had been dead many many years though. He became my dad because my bio was a worthless drunk and my step dad earned dad he wasn't dad because he married my mom he earned it.

 

I also think it is wrong that a man leaves his kids on vistations with his new wife I would never tolerate that either but then again my ex would never think to go there.

[*********]

Really, you have no idea unless you have done it. I know Moms in general feel scrutinized and like they take unnecessary shots in the "Mommy wars" but believe me when I say that no women on earth get scrutinized the way step-mothers do. They can never win, and I think this thread sort of points that out. If they say, "My daughter" they are presumptuous. If they say, "My step-daughter" they are cold. No matter what they do, someone will be talking about it.

 

I was a Step-Mom for a few years before I adopted my now son. His first Mom had died. I did call him my "step-son." We have managed to navigate this path really well, and I think part of it was that I didn't enter in with "big happy family" expectation. I understood that we may or may not end up resembling a normal family, he may or may not ever see me as truly as "Mom" and that either way was okay. It was okay to be loving and affectionate but not quite "mother/son." So the pressure was off both of us.

 

As it turned out, he badly wanted a mother, and I adore him. Over time, we evolved into very normal mother/son relations, so I definitely forget at times, unless someone points it out, that he's not "really mine." And believe me, people point it out. There are people who have have probably reminded 6 times, "Actually, I adopted him, so he's not my step-son." I mean, it's been almost 20 years, lol.

 

Anyway, I went on a bit long. Sorry. I think we need to work on changing the negative connotations connected with being step families. "Step" is great. We shouldn't be ashamed to say it.

 

 

:hurray::hurray::hurray:

 

What SHE said.

 

:D

[Word Nerd]

I don't refer to my stepson as my son and do use step, though my girls just refer to him as their brother (not half-brother). He also calls my parents the same family titles my DDs and their cousins do. My calling him my stepson was his preference from the very beginning, and he's always called me by my first name. We don't have much of a relationship at all, to be honest, and we pretty much just stay out of each other's way. I wish our dynamic were more like that mentioned in the OP, but it is what it is. (And yes, I tried. There's only so much rejection a person can take before she gives up.)

Edited June 15, 2012 by WordGirl

[aggieamy]

I know what real parenting is because I have done it for 15 years now. I didn't get the right to be called mommy because I pushed them out either. I got that right from real parenting from the day they came in this world. I got that right by fighting for my disabled son, I got it when I held their hands and got up at all hours of the night. I got it when I owned a homedaycare and still flipped burgers at night.

 

Their daddy got it when he went to work with fevers and and anything else. We earned being their mom and dad and we would freak if some stranger came in and tried that I am a parent crap with our kids. Other families can view it however they decide.

 

Also my ex and I have always made it clear they are ours, we would never allow another person to help raise our kids or pay for our kids. I honestly do not understand why a woman would expect her husband to financially support her child from another man. I would feel shameful taking a mans money for one of my kids.

 

Unless me or their dad happens to die we would just never allow that situation with our children. Everyone has their own feelings but to me it is horribly disrectful. No woman has earned anything with these kids but me and no man has earned it but him.

 

I don't diss step parents my dad is one. He is my step dad I guess you could say but to me he is my dad. He didn't become my dad until I was in my 20's and my father had been dead many many years though. He became my dad because my bio was a worthless drunk and my step dad earned dad he wasn't dad because he married my mom he earned it.

 

I also think it is wrong that a man leaves his kids on vistations with his new wife I would never tolerate that either but then again my ex would never think to go there.

 

I think this might be a key difference in our opinions. I think of it as we're a family. Doesn't matter how it was formed. I take care of my step-daughter because I love her and because that's what family does. We are of the opinion it takes a village to raise a child. Finances are combined in our family anyway so money is family money - not his and hers money. I think we have different deffinitions of what is a family.

[Puma Mom]

I met my stepdad when I was 10. I may refer to him as 'stepdad' when it would be confusing to do otherwise, especially to make it clear whether I'm speaking about him or my 'other' dad. I'm very close to both of my dads and my stepdad refers to me as his daughter.

[Scarlett]

Same with foster kids....people are told in training to drop the "foster" part.

BTW, teachers and daycare providers claim kids also. So do caseworkers.

 

It is none of anyone's business how a family is made up. And it isn't healthy for kids to be deliberately outted as step, foster, separate and/or different.

 

This is good to hear. I have instinctively felt I shouldn't say 'this is my step son' when introducing my step sons. I can't choke out 'my son' because well I have issues....but I do say, 'these are our boys. My son, ds12 and dh's son ds11.' But if I am taking care of business.....saying filling a Rx or something for my dss I do say 'for my son.'

 

When I post on FB I say 'our sons'. When talking to friends I say 'our boys.'

 

I don't think I have yet said, 'my son, or my kid' about one of my dsss'.

 

Step parenting ain't for sissies.

[Scarlett]

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with a stepmom referring to her stepkids as her kids. I do think, however, that a stepmom should be sensitive to how others feel about that; which includes not only the stepchildren, but their biological mom as well.

 

Definitely. I would flip totally out if my XH's homewrecking girlfriend EVER referred to my son as 'hers'. I can't tell you the physical reaction that evokes in me. It is probably why I am sensitive to how I refer to my step sons.

 

But it depends on the situation....if ds were younger, if XH married a nice woman...I don't know. I just all depends.

[Word Nerd]

Really, you have no idea unless you have done it. I know Moms in general feel scrutinized and like they take unnecessary shots in the "Mommy wars" but believe me when I say that no women on earth get scrutinized the way step-mothers do. They can never win, and I think this thread sort of points that out. If they say, "My daughter" they are presumptuous. If they say, "My step-daughter" they are cold. No matter what they do, someone will be talking about it.

 

:iagree: It may sound strange, but I was actually happier and less frustrated and miserable when I finally accepted that I would never win.