What would you do?

[Nakia]

I have been praying and thinking about this situation for weeks. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I'm hoping the hive can help. I am a youth leader for the high school girls at my church. I have only been working with the youth for a short time, since this past October, but during that time I have formed some very close relationships with several of the girls. They've come to me with a lot of issues, mostly involving school and boys. I have come to love these girls (and the guys too!) so much. They trust me, and I don't take that lightly. I really love this ministry.

 

There is a 16 year old girl in my group whom I've known for many years, since she was 9 or 10. Her mother is a dear friend of mine. This girl, we'll call her "Amy," recently told me that she has become intimate with her boyfriend (her first time). Her family, I know for a fact, is adamantly opposed to premarital sex. Amy said she regretted it, but that she felt "relieved to tell an adult about it." She wanted accountability; I know that. I told her that I love her and God loves her, but that she had made a mistake and she needed to make it right with God and not do it again. I also STRONGLY encouraged her to tell her mother. We live in a small town, and it will get around to her mother, no doubt about it. And the fact is, Amy has told a lot of the kids at school and at church. I have been checking with her periodically to see how she is. She seems to be okay, and she told me yesterday that she has not continued the intimate relationship with him. I do not totally believe that, btw.

 

This happened about 6 weeks ago, and she still hasn't told her mother even though she told me she would. Every time I see her mom, I feel sick to my stomach. :( I feel like I'm keeping something from her, but it's not my secret to tell. Amy trusted me, and I know if I tell her mother, Amy will be angry, hurt, and hard pressed to trust another adult for a while. If her mom finds out what happened, and that I knew about it, she will feel betrayed. I have spoken with our youth pastor, of course, and he has given me his opinion and advice. There are no hard and fast rules for these things.

 

I have a very heavy heart about this. I keep flipping between my role as a youth leader and how I would feel if a friend kept something like that from me. I am also struggling with the question of parents having the right to know every detail of their teen children's lives. Does that make sense?

 

What would you all do? Be gentle with me.

 

ETA: Reading back over this, I hope I don't sound like I think it's all about me. I know it's not. I just want to do what's right.

Edited June 7, 2012 by Nakia

[butterflymommy]

As a youth leader are you legally bound to confidentiality (like a pastor or therapist would be)? If so I don't think you could tell the mum even if you decided to.

[arghmatey]

It certainly does not come across that way to me--as if it's all about you. You sound very selfless and concerned.

 

I think people very much want to be trusted. Because of this, I would try my best to believe the girl about having discontinued the intimate relationship.

 

The choice here seems to be for you to have the girl's trust or her mother's. I don't think you should violate the young lady's trust, but I do think you should continue encouraging her to tell her mother. She can choose to honor her mother and to be honest, which is obviously so hard for her right now. For whatever reason, she does not trust her mother enough to tell her.

 

I would choose to be more sensitive to the girl's feelings than to her mother's UNLESS I knew for certain the relationship was still continuing. In that case, I would feel it was my duty to tell the mother so that the mother could help protect her daughter from some very negative outcomes.

 

I will pray for everyone involved. What a tough situation.

[Mandylubug]

can't tell the mom, unfortunately. At 16, the girl has to work through her choices on her own. All you can do is be a positive influence.

[mereminerals]

I am also a youth leader. The rule of thumb I have used over the past few years is if it is something that could harm them or pertains to sexual relations (because of the risks of STDs), I give them an opportunity to tell their parents within a certain period of time and offer to be there with them if they need support. If they don't tell their parents within the time frame, I go to the mom. I know that sounds harsh to give them an ultimatum, but I also looked at it as how I would feel if a youth leader knew that information about my child and never told me. It really does suck to be in that situation. I will be praying for you.

[clarkacademy]

As a mom I would want to know. I mean if she is hiding having sex how is she getting bc? I don't want my daughter to have sex but if she does I want her to be careful about it. I would be way more upset about a pregnancy than her doing this

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

having done youth ministry for years, i would advise a volunteer to honor the confidentiality. that said, i would also make sure that the kids understand that things are confidential to the ministerial team, not to you as an individual. ie. for your emotional health, its important for you to be able to debrief with one of the paid accountable ministry people, and one who has had some training in pastoral care and councelling.

 

who on staff do you debrief with? is it the youth minister or other pastor and is that person trained in councelling?

 

your denomination may also have a youth ministry person at the presbytery level that may have some helpful insights.

 

perhaps it would be a good time to do a unit on healthy secrets (surprise parties, etc) and unhealthy secrets, how to tell the difference, and how to deal with each. shining the light of christ into the dark secret places is part of what we are about, or should be... in ministry, we walk with someone while they figure out how to shine the light in on their own dark places.... we don't point the spotlight in there for them.

 

fwiw,

ann

[TXBeth]

Wow, what a difficult position you are in! I have a good friend who came up against similar situations many times during her years as a youth leader, but I don't remember how she said she handled it.

I think my instinct would be to tell the mom, but not to tell her behind the girl's back. I might say to the girl "you need to talk to your parents about this by X day, or I will need to talk to them about it." I know that might mean she won't tell you things in the future, but on the other hand, her parents may be allowing her freedoms/privacy with this boy that they wouldn't if they knew the truth.

On the other hand, it is only a couple of years until she will be an adult and able to do whatever she wants, so maybe having you as an accountability partner and preserving that openness is more important than giving her parents the tools to set boundaries now. :confused:

 

Anyway, :grouphug: Maybe she will tell her mom and then you won't have to worry about it.

[SailorMom]

I understand all of the pov's from above, but IMHO, I say stay out of it. Encourage her to use B/C. She is at an age where those are the kinds of choices she has to make. In this case, you need to maintain your role as part of the youth ministry, and set aside the friendship.

ETA - I know it's serious, I truly hope my sons wait, and I hope this young lady stops... but I also don't think it's the end of the world. If she was drinking or doing drugs, or being abused, then yes - ya gotta tell. But,,,, not this.

[Night Elf]

Wow, that is an incredibly difficult position. :grouphug: I have no clue what I would do. However, another trust issue that may arise is with other teens. If you tell this girl's mom she will probably tell the other teens you broke her trust. That will surely affect how much trust they want to place in you as well.

 

I can understand her wanting to tell another adult because this is a big scary issue, but she may never want to actually tell her mom. She may be telling you she is going to do it because she knows that is what you expect, but she may not really have any intention of doing so. Does she have any idea you are considering telling her mom without her consent?

[Danestress]

First, if you are right that in a small time, this will come back to the mother, perhaps you can convince her of that. Maybe she would let you tell her mom.

 

In theory, I think a 16 year old girl can reasonably choose not to tell a parent this, and I would not feel like I absolutely had to tell the mom. However, I also understand why a girl would benefit from her mother knowing, even if the girl can't see that now, so I do see your dilemma.

 

Do you know the boy? Does he have a family too that might want to know, or is he older?

[Mandylubug]

you know, I find it strikingly odd how so many people want to break the confidence between the volunteer and the teen. In all honesty, premarital sex is not the end of the world. If the daughter is in public school, and has half decent parents, she has had sex education. She knows what STDs are, she knows the risk of pregnancy, etc. Should she have premarital relations? No, but kids are going to make mistakes.

 

The only reason this topic hits home with me is because I was brought up in a highly conservative household. My parents didn't do anything more than a peck on the cheek when in front of me. Sex was painted as a hushed topic, dirty and inappropriate. Heck, we couldn't even watch animals mating on national geographic. When I ended up being in a healthy relationship with my now husband, we were forced into too long of an engagement and ended up having premarital relations the last year before we were married. I became pregnant and moved up the date of our wedding by six months. What is sad about it all is that I felt dirty and guilty when discussing sex with my husband. Never was it painted in a positive, rewarding light. I have been married for ten years and it took years to overcome my issues.

 

Sex is a wonderful thing in a healthy relationship. It isn't the end of the world when it happens out of marriage. It isn't the wisest due to emotional aspects, risks for STDs, and Biblical teachings but there is a thing called forgiveness. None of us are perfect. I worry of the girl's emotional well being. She obviously has guilty thoughts and spoke with someone she felt would hold her secret confidently. All churches should teach abstinence and the reasons WHY. Not abstinence and that's that. They should also teach about healthy sex in a healthy marriage as a GOOD thing. If you run to the mom because she is your friend and you are worried about the girl's "health" you have just crushed her emotional outlet and now she will confide in someone who won't judge. Perhaps some girl friend that has plenty of premarital relations that aren't healthy but reckless and inappropriate. If the girl was coming up to you every week speaking of a new partner each week or month, then I would worry but if it was with a steady boyfriend, I wouldn't unless I felt she was actually in danger.

[SKL]

As much as I'm against what's going on with this girl, I would NOT tell the girl's mother, UNLESS there was a situation where the girl is a victim rather than just a willing participant (i.e., not statutory rape, etc.).

 

From the sound of things, you have no hard evidence that she has continued the behavior. You did the right thing to advise her to stop and to advise her to tell her mother, but I think at this point it's up to her to manage her relationship with her mom. It is very hard for a daughter to tell this kind of thing. I am not entirely convinced that it's always better for the mom to know, either. Shoot, there are many things my mother does not know about me (though teen sex is not one of them).

 

Yes, if I were her mom, I'd want to know. But I would not blame "you" for keeping me in the dark, unless you were also encouraging the behavior (or the deceit) or knew that things were continuing and harming my daughter.

[Slipper]

My biggest concern would be STD's and pregnancy. I think if the teen is taking care of prevention, then I wouldn't tell the mother.

 

If it were me, I would want to know that my daughter was having sex. I wouldn't like it, but I would want to make sure that she was seeing a gynecologist and taking care of her body. I would never betray where I heard it from since I would want that line of communication to remain open.

 

It's a tough situation. :grouphug:

[Nakia]

Please please please don't let this turn controversial. I wanted opinions, and I appreciate them, but it doesn't mean we have to argue over whether premarital sex is the end of the world or not. Obviously it isn't or the world would have ended long ago, lol.

 

To address a few things that have been brought up...she and the boy did not use protection. I offered, pleaded, recommended, etc that she go for testing and counseling at the health department and even offered to take her. She declined. She is not pregnant. I don't know his parents, but it is painfully clear they are okay with whatever he does including doing a lot of drinking. I do not know him. He just graduated from high school this week. She doesn't know I am even considering talking to her mom. She 100% trusts me, which is why I do not want to break that trust. I, like a pp, feel like age 16 is dang close to adulthood, and she should be able to make some of these kinds of decisions on her own. As of right now, she is safe, and as far as I know, not engaging in other risky behavior.

[regentrude]

I would not tell the mom. If you do, it is quite possible that none of the teens will ever trust you with a confidence again. You play an important role in their lives; this would not longer be possible.

 

Rather, I would offer to be present when the girl tells her mom if that is what she wants (my teen sister confided in another adult first that she was pregnant; that other adult was with her when she told our parents. This was very important to her.)

[AimeeM]

I understand all of the pov's from above, but IMHO, I say stay out of it. Encourage her to use B/C. She is at an age where those are the kinds of choices she has to make. In this case, you need to maintain your role as part of the youth ministry, and set aside the friendship.

ETA - I know it's serious, I truly hope my sons wait, and I hope this young lady stops... but I also don't think it's the end of the world. If she was drinking or doing drugs, or being abused, then yes - ya gotta tell. But,,,, not this.

nm - I know you don't want controversy OP.

Edited June 7, 2012 by AimeeM

[catz]

No way would I tell unless I thought there was other extremely harmful behavior to go with it (like drug use), and even then I wouldn't take it lightly.

[SKL]

As a mom, I think I would be more upset about the counseling to go behind Mom's back to get health services (if I understand your update correctly). I would tread very, very carefully in that regard. I realize that what's done is done, but I would not do more. The most I'd do is to make sure she was aware of the risks and that there are ways to manage the risks. She probably is (aware), but just in case she wasn't.

 

Bottom line, I would not ever encourage a minor to do anything behind her parents' back (except report parental abuse).

 

There are other ways to ensure the girl understands that she can manage her risks. For example, you could say "you should tell your mom so that she can help you make sure you are doing A, B, C. Although you could do ABC without your mom, I really recommend you get your mom's help." Or something like that.

[Ipsey]

While I understand your pov, as a mom I would be furious to find out that a church youth leader knew about my child having sex AND encouraged/educated about birth control (not that she knew, but that she said "okay, just please use birth control!") - when this family may choose not to utilize birth control or condone premarital sex. To some families, premarital sex is seen as a very bad decision; not much different than trying drugs or abusing your body (and the use of birth control may be similar). At 16 she is still a minor child in her parent's care. She is not an adult. Regardless of personal opinions (mine, yours, or the OP's), the child's parents in this case do NOT condone premarital sex and that should be taken into consideration; anything opposing that shouldn't really be a consideration (in my opinion) because it isn't an opinion shared by all involved - if it were, I would say that the OP should, indeed, stay out of it.

 

OP - I would strongly encourage you to tell YOUR priest (or whatever your head is in your denomination; let him decide the best course of action and he may be able to tell you the protocol to follow for cases like these). I don't envy your position and you sound opposite of selfish :grouphug:.

I can't imagine being in your shoes. I can, however, as the mom of a girl, imagine being in the mom's position. I would want to know - not to beat the girl, ground the girl, or otherwise punish the child; but to help her make the right choices in order to not to make the SAME decision in the future.

 

ETA: I do not mean to sound like this is simplistic. In our faith, there is an across the board belief that sex is for marriage and that birth control is a non-option; so I would obviously be upset if any youth leader suggested or inferred otherwise (even if only by default). It may not be the same in your church, but it sounds like it *is* for the child's parents.

 

It doesn't appear to me that the OP said the behavior was "ok, just use protection." Seems she's encouraging the teen to NOT have sex. However, since Nakia can't actually tomato-stake the young woman to the ground and clamp her in a chastity belt, she is telling the girl that, if she chooses to ignore the exhortation to abstinence, to use protection.

 

Whatever else happens, the physical health of the girl is important. The teen will make choices on her own, and she should be encouraged to make the best possible ones. Since Baptists don't have an anti birth-control doctrine, I don't see that what Nakia suggested what the same thing as what you're saying.

 

Here's the thing. I know many people don't want their children to have pre-marital sex, (I'd certainly prefer my children not to have sex until they're older and in committed relationships). However, that's not something I can enforce. So, what if it came to these choices? (Choices, that the teen makes, by the way)

 

1. Have sex without protection

2. Have sex with protection.

 

Even knowing the rates of STD protection and contraception isn't 100%, I'd surely rather the second.

 

I don't really know that too many parents will vote for 1. I think most people are hoping for 0. Don't have sex at all. Since this can't be enforced by parents, I think encouraging protection for those insistent on having sex is the way to go.

 

This doesn't necessarily help you, Nakia, and I'm sorry. But I did want to . . .give my understanding of what you had said in contrast to what was reported of you.

Edited June 7, 2012 by Ipsey

[AimeeM]

It doesn't appear to me that the OP said the behavior was "ok, just use protection." Seems she's encouraging the teen to NOT have sex. However, since Nakia can't actually tomato-stake the young woman to the ground and clamp her in a chastity belt, she is telling the girl that, if she chooses to ignore the exhortation to abstinence, to use protection.

 

Whatever else happens, the physical health of the girl is important. The teen will make choices on her own, and she should be encouraged to make the best possible ones. Since Baptists don't have an anti birth-control doctrine, I don't see that what Nakia suggested what the same thing as what you're saying.

 

Here's the thing. I know many people don't want their children to have pre-marital sex, (I'd certainly prefer my children not to have sex until they're older and in committed relationships). However, that's not something I can enforce. So, what if it came to these choices? (Choices, that the teen makes, by the way)

 

1. Have sex without protection

2. Have sex with protection.

 

Even knowing the rates of STD protection and contraception isn't 100%, I'd surely rather the second.

 

I don't really know that too many parents will vote for 1. I think most people are hoping for 0. Don't have sex at all. Since this can't be enforced by parents, I think encouraging protection for those insistent on having sex is the way to go.

 

This doesn't necessarily help you, Nakia, and I'm sorry. But I did want to . . .give my understanding of what you had said in contrast to what was reported of you.

The initial reply was not directed at the OP; it was directed at the reply I quoted (suggesting the OP tell the child to use birth control).

 

There are some faiths (and I didn't notice/know that the OP is Baptist) that choose not to give birth control as an option.

 

I erased my reply after reading that the OP doesn't want controversy - it was not my intention to cause it.

[Michelle in AL]

Dont' know if this will make you feel any better or not but maybe the mom actually already is somewhat "aware" of the situation. I went through something similar (but not to that extent I hope) with my duaghter and I knew exactly when the transgressions occurred. As in, I was in a different room or house and instantly "knew" what was going on. I collected evidence and was correct. I'm not sure if it's true for every mom, but I think if you have a close relationship with your daughter, you're kind of aware of these things. In my case it was breaking distinct rules with a boyfriend and crossing way over clear boundaries that shouldn't have been crossed.

 

One way our church has dealt with this, especially if it's a problem that might be more widespread is to have parent meetings or educational sessions about the topic. For example, if there's a drinking problem in the area possibly involving several teens at the church their could be a meeting about what the church's stance is on this and how to cope if your child is involved (with grace). The church also sometimes gets involved with the schools on preventing issues like these.

 

If the youth leader is aware to they are more than likely reinforcing what you've taught this girl.

 

It's hard not to enforce confidence in your situation because a breach in confidence could cause the child to turn away from the church forever.

 

:grouphug:

[Michelle in AL]

One thing youth leaders have done with me when I asked about specific issues my kids may be having, was to give me some vary "vague" clues that were meant to prompt me being concerned and to act, but did not break confidentiality. Such as "I think you are right to be concerned about that, I would definitely be especially careful with supervision of your daughter when she is with ________________." This type of conversation didn't break confidentiality but prompted me to act on my instincts. Of course, this necessitates that the parent would initiate the conversation with one of you.

[Nakia]

As a mom, I think I would be more upset about the counseling to go behind Mom's back to get health services (if I understand your update correctly). I would tread very, very carefully in that regard. I realize that what's done is done, but I would not do more. The most I'd do is to make sure she was aware of the risks and that there are ways to manage the risks. She probably is (aware), but just in case she wasn't.

 

Bottom line, I would not ever encourage a minor to do anything behind her parents' back (except report parental abuse).

 

There are other ways to ensure the girl understands that she can manage her risks. For example, you could say "you should tell your mom so that she can help you make sure you are doing A, B, C. Although you could do ABC without your mom, I really recommend you get your mom's help." Or something like that.

 

Thank you for pointing that out! As a nurse, my mind automatically jumped to "must get tested for STD!!"

[Chris in VA]

My best friend is my dd's youth group leader. I know she will tell me if she sees risky behaviour or something else we are watching for (not naming specifics). I know, because she TOLD me she would, and she TOLD dd she would. Everything is clear and in the open. I know she WON'T tell me spiritual things that dd shares with her.

 

If you have discussed confidentiality with your teens in youth group, then you can't break it. Perhaps you should set aside some time in the group meeting and discuss what you will and won't share, just to be clear, because I'm sure it'll come up again.

 

In this situation, no, I wouldn't tell the mom, and if I was the mom, I wouldn't expect you to-- but that's because of the expectations we laid out in our relationship, as I said. When dd went into youth group, I accepted that there would be another adult perhaps receiving the gift of her secrets.

[Nakia]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your honesty!

 

Michelle, I am 99% sure the mom has no idea. :(

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I would go with the girl and talk to her mother together.

[songsparrow]

I think that your youth pastor needs to set some limits and make those limits clear to the parents - for example: "We youth pastors and volunteers often end up being confided in by your children. We feel, and assume that you agree, that it is of great benefit to the youth to have adults, in addition to their parents, in whom they can confide. Everything that they confide will be kept in the strictest confidence by the youth ministry staff, unless there is the imminent possibility of harm to themselves or others. It is up to the youth pastor to make that judgment call, and if (s)he feels it is warranted, (s)he will contact the parents."

 

Then there is no worry of hard feelings if you don't tell the mother. Everyone understands what the expectations are.

 

In this case, since this has not occurred, I think that it is appropriate for you to confide in the Youth Pastor, and for the Youth Pastor to decide whether, and how, to approach the parents.

[stripe]

I don't understand why the daughter should feel obligated to tell her mother. Especially if she or they believe it is a sin. I don't think people need to go around declaring or confessing their sins to others, or at least those are my religious beliefs.

 

Is this ideal? No. But I don't think you needto "out" the girl.

[bolt.]

I think I would talk to her, to the point that I understood whether she *wants* to tell her mom but is having a hard time with it -- or if she genuinely prefers to keep her business out of her parents sphere. If she wants to have an open / honest relationship with her mom, I'd get very pro-active in helping her do that by setting up a coffee date for the three of us.

 

If she honestly doesn't want this to be family business, I'd honor that, but I'd probably say something to the mom / my friend about 'teens' becoming independent, making personal choices, keeping things private. I'd also play strongly on the side of, "act like an adult then" and press her hard to seek medical care and make concrete plans to manage her sex life with wisdom and forethought rather than letting it sneak up on her. If she wants to be abstinate, she needs a concrete plan that will stand up to reality -- not just regret and wishful thinking.

[Perry]

I want my kids to feel they can talk to me about it, but if they don't, I would very much hope they have another trusted adult they could talk to.

 

I wouldn't feel betrayed in the least. I'd be sad that they didn't feel comfortable talking to me.

 

 

There is no way in h*ll I would have talked to my parents about sex. While I think it's best in general for kids to talk to their parents, there are also situations where talking to them could be disastrous. I absolutely think you need to keep it to yourself. If/when the mom finds out, you can let her know that you've been encouraging the girl to talk to her all along.

[Tap]

I say this kindly, not as harshly as it reads. Please read softly. LOL

 

I do not feel that it is your place to break her trust. She asked for counsel, and you have given it. If she is not in immediate danger and seems otherwise healthy mentally and physically, I do not think you should tell.

 

Not only will you break her trust, you could be bringing some serious retribution down on her by her mother...would you be okay with that? The mother could disown her (I have seen it done for lesser things). The mother could physically punish her. The mother could hold this over her head for the rest of her life. If the story is around town, then yes, it may get back to the mother and then that will be between the daughter and mother, but not You. It also may not. Your obligation at this point is to the daughter, not the mother. The mother is not the one who came to you....the daughter is.

 

If the girl doesn't know, make sure she knows where to get protection and that she knows how to use it (both the female and male versions).

 

I think this is a slippery slope that you do not want to go down. You agreed to offer counsel to the daughter. Just because a parent may want to know what their teen is doing, doesn't negate the teens right to privacy. If you tell, you can pretty much guarantee that the teens will never trust you again...none of them. They may talk to you about little things, but not the things that they are concerned about keeping from their parents. If she is talking about her sex life around school, she will also talk about your breech of confidentiality!

 

 

If this situation makes you uncomfortable, in the future, don't get yourself into this type of situation unknowingly. Let the teens know that there are somethings that you will talk to parents about, with or without the teen's permission. Let them know that you are not held to the same confidentiality rules as the church staff and that you will make judgment calls. That way the teens go into your counsel with eyes wide open and you can make decisions with them, not against them.

 

 

I say this as a parent of a teen who confides in his youth pastors more than herself. I would love to know what ds talks to them about (so I could help--not just being snoopy), but I would ABSOLUTELY not want them to tell me.

 

You seem like such a dear and you will find the right answer in your heart. Trust where you are led. I think that carrying the weight of the congregations 'secrets' has to be one of the hardest parts of the leadership of any church.

Edited June 8, 2012 by Tap, tap, tap

[Guest submarines]

:grouphug: I think it is very healthy and positive for teens to have a trusted adult who is not their parent in their lives. Obviously this girl needs you, as for whatever reason she wasn't comfortable with sharing with her mother. You are there for a reason. It is your relationship with her that will make her stronger and lead her to the right choices. If you tell her mother, or push her too strongly towards telling her mother, she might lose you as her support.

 

ETA: If my teenager daughter wasn't comfortable sharing certain details of her life with me, I know it would be really hard for me. But the next best thing would be for her to trust a good friend of mine. It is about the daughter, not about the mother at this point.

Edited June 8, 2012 by sunflowers

[Tsutsie]

I will not tell the mother - at 16, every girl needs someone to trust. Luckily for her it is another adult with her best interest at heart. One that can guide her, and do her best to protect and talk some sense into her.

Off course her parents are not going to take it well. If she did not feel comfortable enough to share it with them in the first place, she will not now. She will share it out of guilt - if she ever does.

 

I'd say to keep an eye on her, talk to her and build even more trust. If such behaviour happens again, you should explain to her that because you care about her, you'll have to tell her mother. (Give her 48 hours or so, to do it herself.)

[Nakia]

Thank you all soooooo much!! This is really hard, and I know that many of you don't understand because you've never been there (as a youth leader). But you've been really kind to me, and I appreciate it. If I weren't so close to her mother, I probably wouldn't even be second guessing the decision I made 6 weeks ago not to tell her mother. At this point, I am still not going to tell her mother. I am just going to pray that Amy is careful and smart and doesn't get hurt. And I do hope she opens up to her mother because I think her mother can be her best advocate in this. They are very close, but I believe her mother is in denial about a lot of things. I'm sure it must be hard to have a teenager, lol. Something else that keeps pricking my heart is that in less than 5 years, I will have a 16 year old, and I will want to know what goes on in her life. I'm glad so many of you have mentioned that it is good that Amy has another adult to confide in. I do want my girls to confide in me, but I know that it doesn't always turn out that way, and I hope they will have someone else they can trust. Maybe God has placed me in Amy's life for a reason. :001_smile:

 

I say this kindly, not as harshly as it reads. Please read softly. LOL

 

I do not feel that it is your place to break her trust. She asked for counsel, and you have given it. If she is not in immediate danger and seems otherwise healthy mentally and physically, I do not think you should tell.

 

Not only will you break her trust, you could be bringing some serious retribution down on her by her mother...would you be okay with that? The mother could disown her (I have seen it done for lesser things). The mother could physically punish her. The mother could hold this over her head for the rest of her life. If the story is around town, then yes, it may get back to the mother and then that will be between the daughter and mother, but not You. It also may not. Your obligation at this point is to the daughter, not the mother. The mother is not the one who came to you....the daughter is.

 

If the girl doesn't know, make sure she knows where to get protection and that she knows how to use it (both the female and male versions).

 

I think this is a slippery slope that you do not want to go down. You agreed to offer counsel to the daughter. Just because a parent may want to know what their teen is doing, doesn't negate the teens right to privacy. If you tell, you can pretty much guaranty that the teens will never trust you again...none of them. They may talk to you about little things, but not the things that they are concerned about keeping from their parents. If she is talking about her sex life around school, she will also talk about your breech of confidentiality!

 

 

If this situation makes you uncomfortable, in the future, don't get yourself into this type of situation unknowingly. Let the teens know that there are somethings that you will talk to parents about, with or without the teen's permission. Let them know that you are not held to the same confidentiality rules as the church staff and that you will make judgment calls. That way the teens go into your counsel with eyes wide open and you can make decisions with them, not against them.

 

 

I say this as a parent of a teen who confides in his youth pastors more than herself. I would love to know what ds talks to them about (so I could help--not just being snoopy), but I would ABSOLUTELY not want them to tell me.

 

You seem like such a dear and you will find the right answer in your heart. Trust where you are led. I think that carrying the weight of the congregations 'secrets' has to be one of the hardest parts of the leadership of any church.

 

Thank you. I just wanted to let you know that I don't think your post sounds harsh at all. I appreciate every word!

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I haven't read all the posts. Has anyone mentioned if the sex was legal? Is the girl below the consent age in your state? How old is the "boy?" If she can't legally consent you most definitely must tell someone!

[Danestress]

She's legal to consent in NC.

[Mimm]

I would not tell the mom. A 16 year old deserves to have her confidence kept. Find out what she's using for BC and strongly encourage her to be safe and keep encouraging her to tell her mom.

 

:grouphug:

[RanchGirl]

I want my kids to feel they can talk to me about it, but if they don't, I would very much hope they have another trusted adult they could talk to.

 

I wouldn't feel betrayed in the least. I'd be sad that they didn't feel comfortable talking to me.

 

 

There is no way in h*ll I would have talked to my parents about sex. While I think it's best in general for kids to talk to their parents, there are also situations where talking to them could be disastrous. I absolutely think you need to keep it to yourself. If/when the mom finds out, you can let her know that you've been encouraging the girl to talk to her all along.

 

:iagree:

[AuntieM]

Is it possible to say to her, very gently, that you appreciate the level of trust that she has in you, then to ask her what she might do, if she were in *your* shoes, or what are her expectations of you? (I think this would need to be a VERY gentle conversation - only you can judge if it's possible.)

 

If you believe she is really done with it, I would never tell. God casts our sins away, as far as the east is from the west. I would want her to know that I felt the same way, would not think less of her, regard her as fully repentant and fully forgiven. The problem comes if she is not really done with it...

 

I think the larger issue is her spiritual condition. If she is nursing and feeding this "secret" sin by continuing to engage in that physical relationship, she will have a spirit in turmoil. I am guessing you already sense this because you said you don't believe her when she tells you it's stopped. She needs to be lovingly challenged to examine the depth of her faith. Does she want to obey God more than she wants to have relations with the boy? She can only choose one path and be able to lay her head on her pillow in peace each night. (ETA - Another VERY gentle conversation is what I mean by this - not accusatory in any way whatsoever!)

 

I don't think I'd tell the mom right away (if you know the situation is ongoing), but I do think you need to be sure that all the proper staff members know your conundrum. If you're getting iffiness from your immediate supervisor, go to the senior pastor. This is a BIG thing; you deserve some firm direction and support from the professional staff.

 

:grouphug: Of course it's not about you and the "trouble" you might get into. It's about doing what's in the best interest of this young woman's life and soul, whether that be informing her parents or preserving her trust by keeping the confidence, so that you can be an effective mentor to her in the future.

Edited June 8, 2012 by AuntieM

[alpidarkomama]

I am also a youth leader. The rule of thumb I have used over the past few years is if it is something that could harm them or pertains to sexual relations (because of the risks of STDs), I give them an opportunity to tell their parents within a certain period of time and offer to be there with them if they need support. If they don't tell their parents within the time frame, I go to the mom. I know that sounds harsh to give them an ultimatum, but I also looked at it as how I would feel if a youth leader knew that information about my child and never told me. It really does suck to be in that situation. I will be praying for you.

 

:iagree:

 

I can't imagine not letting the parents know. This is a very serious matter. I would be very upset if someone withheld important information about my child from me. This situation REQUIRES a parent!!!!!!

[kalanamak]

At 16, the girl has to work through her choices on her own.

 

:iagree:Hopefully one of these will be not to blab such stuff all over. This could really come back to bite her.

 

Mandylubug ... we are waiting on a kitty update on the other thread. :lurk5:

[Catherine]

I would consider asking her if she'd find it easier that YOU tell her Mom, than if she told Mom herself. She may just find it hard to find the words, and might appreciate your offer.

[MyThreeSons]

I haven't read all of the responses yet, but there is something you really need to do: determine exactly what your legal standing is.

 

Two things:

 

There is a good chance that if your position with the youth group is in any way official, you are a mandatory reporter. In other words, you are required by law to report any knowledge (or maybe even suspicion) of abuse, neglect, etc. Even if in this case the girl is of age to consent to sex, you NEED to know what your legal standing is for the future.

 

You also NEED to find out whether your position gives you that legal shield of confidentiality, and if so, exactly what that means.

 

It sounds like perhaps you and the pastor or leadership team need to sit down and discuss this.

[kwickimom]

If this girl is legally able to consent to sex then I cannot for the life of me see why you would tell her mother and break her confidence. Sex is her choice whether adults like it or not. She is not breaking any laws or doing anything illegal or harming herself. If she did not use protection...that is also her right and her choice to use it or not.

 

I know it is a hard position to be in, but I do not think it is your place to ever tell her mother.

[lisamarie]

I am also a youth leader. The rule of thumb I have used over the past few years is if it is something that could harm them or pertains to sexual relations (because of the risks of STDs), I give them an opportunity to tell their parents within a certain period of time and offer to be there with them if they need support. If they don't tell their parents within the time frame, I go to the mom. I know that sounds harsh to give them an ultimatum, but I also looked at it as how I would feel if a youth leader knew that information about my child and never told me. It really does suck to be in that situation. I will be praying for you.

 

:iagree: That's my church's policy as well.

[Tammyla]

I understand not wanting to break her trust, but in all honesty...I would expect them to continue their past behavior. She may be 16, but she doesn't sound very responsible or mature.

 

I can just imagine how hurt her mom would be if she turns up with an STD or something and finds out you knew.

 

Please please please don't let this turn controversial. I wanted opinions, and I appreciate them, but it doesn't mean we have to argue over whether premarital sex is the end of the world or not. Obviously it isn't or the world would have ended long ago, lol.

 

To address a few things that have been brought up...she and the boy did not use protection. I offered, pleaded, recommended, etc that she go for testing and counseling at the health department and even offered to take her. She declined. She is not pregnant. I don't know his parents, but it is painfully clear they are okay with whatever he does including doing a lot of drinking. I do not know him. He just graduated from high school this week. She doesn't know I am even considering talking to her mom. She 100% trusts me, which is why I do not want to break that trust. I, like a pp, feel like age 16 is dang close to adulthood, and she should be able to make some of these kinds of decisions on her own. As of right now, she is safe, and as far as I know, not engaging in other risky behavior.

[Cera]

You said her family is adamantly opposed to premarital sex which makes me think that she is choosing not to tell her parents because she fears harsh repercussions. I think that at 16 the choice is hers and to put her in the position of being severely punished because of her choice (as it sounds like her parents might do) doesn't help anyone. It would just permanently damage her relationship with her parents and leave her without a trusted adult to confide in in the future (you).

[Unscripted]

Your job is "youth minister"... Not to minister to parents ( even though I often did as a YM myself- but not to the point of ruining confidences with the youth)... Provided that nothing illegal has happened- you have no duty to report. You need to minister to the girl on doing the right thing... But it's her choice to do it. You can not use your position to gather information to snitch with. On top of that- the other kids in the group will quickly find out- and you will likely be useless in any type of leadership for these kids if you tell.

 

The mom can be pissed and hurt all she wants- and frankly, that would tell me a lot about her if she were to be mad at you. If it were me- I would be upset my dd didn't come to ME. But I would not blame a trusted youth leader for not telling- I would be glad that she went to you!!

Edited June 8, 2012 by Unscripted

[Remudamom]

She's a minor. Give her a time frame then tell mom yourself. You are doing what is best for the child by letting her mother know.