JessReplanted Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 We were invited to our first "don't bring a present" party. I barely know this family, and I feel so awkward showing up at their house empty handed. I asked if I could bring food and she said, 'no'. So, can you bring birthday cards if you were told not to bring a present? It just feels weird to me. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 Yes, a birthday card would be totally acceptable. Think of respecting their wishes for no gifts as your gift to them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 we've only been to one of those. we did bring a card & made a donation to a dog shelter in lieu of a gift (as suggested by the birthday girl). some people still brought gifts though & that made me feel like a little bit of a heel. but oh well. i say follow their wishes & just show up with a card:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 Have your kid make a card. I do no gifts at birthday parties. I get my kids presents. A party is one of their gifts. We don't need more stuff. We don't need people going to the expense and trouble of getting a gift. My kids know and expect the no gifts rule. Don't feel awkward about it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 we've only been to one of those. we did bring a card & made a donation to a dog shelter in lieu of a gift (as suggested by the birthday girl). some people still brought gifts though & that made me feel like a little bit of a heel. but oh well. i say follow their wishes & just show up with a card:) Yes, this is the problem. Some people will show up with gifts and then it does make you or your child feel awkward. My daughter went to her best friend's party this year and it was a "no gift" party, but we were asked to make a donation to a charitable cause. I just stuck a $20 bill in her card, which is something I do sometimes anyway as a gift, so it made me feel a little better. My daughter was a little upset that she didn't have a gift though because some of the other children gave her a gift as well as a donation. Then, because this seems to be the new trend, I felt a little funny when I didn't make my daughter's birthday a "no gift" party. She enjoys receiving birthday gifts! Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 I would bring a card with a Barnes and Noble gift card in it. That's just me personally. That way you aren't walking in with a big wrapped box, but you aren't walking in with nothing. I was invited to a no gift birthday party once and so I showed up with no gift. But other people brought gifts and the birthday girl sat down and opened them during the party. My kids and I all felt really awkward about it and I was pretty annoyed. I felt that they should have simply packed up the gifts and opened them at home. I will never again show up to a party without a gift. If I am asked to, I will put a little gift card in a card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissKNG Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 I would also have the kids make a card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 Also, you could have a gift and keep it in the car, as needed. Our go-to easy kids' gift is making origami frogs, bow ties, etc out of $1 bills. Or a giant chocolate candy bar. Just something fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 This is why whenever we had a no present party, the kids asked for donations to either a food pantry or animal shelter (easy things to buy). I know that is what other parties requested too- if you feel you must bring something, a canned good for the food pantry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deniseibase Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 I would really find out what the birthday child wants, and then respect that. My DD usually has no gift parties, and always has a different charity she wants people to donate to instead. She gets pretty upset (privately, to me, not in front of her friends) when people bring her gifts instead because a) she thinks that's money that could have gone to her cause instead, and b) she knows it makes the people who followed her wishes feel awkward. This year she told me that NEXT year she's not inviting back one child BECAUSE they always bring a gift and it makes her feel not respected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 The people who don't respect the no gift request are the ones that should feel awkward IMO. I'd have your kids make an over the top card with stickers and lots of personalization and let it go. My kids have had no gift parties and it's the kids that show up with a gift and demand that you open it in front of everyone else that are causing internal eye rolls. For us, my kids have many relatives that will not drop a gift exchange. I can't imagine my kids needing more that 8-10 presents for their birthday. But they still want to celebrate with their friends. It's a practical request. Nothing to feel uncomfortable about at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisamarie Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 Well, interesting to see this from the other side. I am planning to make DD's birthday party next month a "no gift" party. Why? Because I don't want more things in my house. And I feel bad making people buy her gifts year after year. We're the only family in my circle that does a birthday party every year for our kids. It's the way I was brought up and so I basically just want to get the kids together for some fun. I was thinking about adding that rather than gifts, the girls could draw a picture of them with DD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisamarie Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 For us, my kids have many relatives that will not drop a gift exchange. I can't imagine my kids needing more that 8-10 presents for their birthday. But they still want to celebrate with their friends. It's a practical request. Nothing to feel uncomfortable about at all. :iagree: My thoughts exactly why I am going to do a no gift party for all my kids this year. They get soooo many gifts already between the grandparents and us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 Please honor the request. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) This is a timely thread. I was just at a post-season soccer picnic talking with another parent yesterday. She said that her daughter was invited to a "no gift" party last week. She was relieved because her husband just got his hours cut and money is tight. She was mortified to find out her daughter was the only one who showed up without a gift :glare:. I'm beginning to think this trend is a study in awkwardness! It really puts parents on the spot. Does it *really* mean no gifts?! Isn't there some etiquette thing about stating "no gifts" in an invitation being in poor taste because it goes with the assumption that you thought you would receive a gift to begin with, and that's poor etiquette? I thought I read that somewhere. ETA: I should add that perhaps this is not a new trend. I just heard about it in the last few years, but maybe it has gone on before that. Edited May 13, 2012 by sparrow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 Take a gift anyway. It is more proper to take a gift to a party than to tell your guests not to bring any. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 What do you do if you are invited to a no gift party, and your dc begs to give his/her friend a gift? Not bringing a gift is respectful of the host, but bringing a gift is respectful to the guest (assuming the guest truly wants to bring a gift). I think the big candy bar with homemade card is probably the way to balance out the situation. Great idea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto3innc Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 Take a gift anyway. It is more proper to take a gift to a party than to tell your guests not to bring any. I would respectfully disagree. We often do no gift parties. We are asking for it because my children have so much more than enough and simply want some fun times with their friends to celebrate. We have several friends that are tight are money--I would hate for them to go without something they need in order to get my child something. We love to receive a homemade card (or store bought) and the "presence" of their friends. I usually write "your presence is our present". Our desire is to teach our children that life is not about stuff. This is one way it happens for us in our families. Whether it is proper or not, it is a way we try to differ from a consumer mentality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 I would respectfully disagree. We often do no gift parties. We are asking for it because my children have so much more than enough and simply want some fun times with their friends to celebrate. We have several friends that are tight are money--I would hate for them to go without something they need in order to get my child something. We love to receive a homemade card (or store bought) and the "presence" of their friends. I usually write "your presence is our present". Our desire is to teach our children that life is not about stuff. This is one way it happens for us in our families. Whether it is proper or not, it is a way we try to differ from a consumer mentality. :iagree: I think a no gift party is a great idea! Many of us just have too much stuff. I vote for the fun, elaborate homemade card. You could even put homemade puzzles, a message in code, or something fun like that on the card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyMama Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 Take a gift anyway. It is more proper to take a gift to a party than to tell your guests not to bring any. I would also like to respectfully disagree and suggest that, perhaps, this may a misunderstanding of the purpose of etiquette. I feel that etiquette rules are made in order to make relationships easier to manage. The purpose, in my opinion, is that people can already know what expectations are in place and thereby have an easy way of assuring that we don't offend one another. In that vein of thought, I think it's perfectly acceptable for someone to say, "I know the rules of etiquette, but we'd like to do things differently for our party, so please suspend the tradition." They've now expressly told you the etiquette of their party, and to go against it is, to me, tacky. If it were me, and someone brought a gift against my request they not to, I would interpret that to mean that they valued their own opinions of themselves and their personal etiquette over mine. I wouldn't hate them or think less of them or even stop being their friend, but I certainly would find their actions to be a bit selfish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) Have your kid make a card. I do no gifts at birthday parties. I get my kids presents. A party is one of their gifts. We don't need more stuff. We don't need people going to the expense and trouble of getting a gift. My kids know and expect the no gifts rule. Don't feel awkward about it! :iagree: If you HAVE to bring a present, for your own peace of mind, bring a nice kid's version of a coffee table book. Art, e.g. Edited May 13, 2012 by kalanamak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 We brought a birthday card but honored their wishes for no presents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cailin Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 Definitely bring a card and leave it at that since you don't know them very well. Arguably, both no-gift appeals and guests who bring gifts to a no-gift party are not following good etiquette standards, which are around essentially to minimize awkward moments. I side with the no strings attached, no instructions to follow, birthday party. Generally, no-gift requests present more stress beforehand and are disregarded leaving other attendees feeling bad. :glare: If we want to give a gift to someone, that's done at another time and place before the no-gift party. Also, rather than a having a birthday party with all the incoming stuff, at times, we've opted for parties given for another occasion. It puts the focus back into having fun. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 I'm lucky in that my kid's circle of friends pretty much doesn't bring gifts to parties at all - they do bring cards, often hand-made. Usually at the party there are a few gifts from family members that get opened. I am generally big on not mentioning gifts and such at all in invitations, which would normally tend to rule out no-gift requests as well. I find myself feeling a little differently in this case though - the expectation of gifts seems to be such a huge problem at these parties, I think there has to be some way to address it, and I can't really think of a better way - (though I think it is really best to tell parents personally that you are not having gifts .) Kids just seem to have so much stuff, and so many kids go to a lot of parties it actually becomes quite expensive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 What do you do if you are invited to a no gift party, and your dc begs to give his/her friend a gift? Not bringing a gift is respectful of the host, but bringing a gift is respectful to the guest (assuming the guest truly wants to bring a gift). I think the big candy bar with homemade card is probably the way to balance out the situation. Great idea! THen, you find a time other than the party to give them the gift. When we have done no gift parties, the few presents people insisted on bringing were set aside in a bedroom to be opened later, not in the presence of the guests. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMA Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 I would respectfully disagree. We often do no gift parties. We are asking for it because my children have so much more than enough and simply want some fun times with their friends to celebrate. We have several friends that are tight are money--I would hate for them to go without something they need in order to get my child something. We love to receive a homemade card (or store bought) and the "presence" of their friends. I usually write "your presence is our present". Our desire is to teach our children that life is not about stuff. This is one way it happens for us in our families. Whether it is proper or not, it is a way we try to differ from a consumer mentality. There are other occasions where a gift is not required, but if you have a birthday party or a wedding, it is proper to bring a gift and improper to say "no gifts". You can bring an inexpensive gift. The etiquette does not say that you have to bring an expensive gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 I would get creative, I think 'no gift' generally means 'please don't spend/waste money - we already have plenty of stuff'. Getting the kids to make something like a card is great (and I love the PP idea of origami $1 bills), what about making a voucher booklet, like 'good for one round of basketball' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) Why on earth would it be considered to ask people not to bring a gift? I cannot, in any way, figure this one out! To ask FOR a gift, that is rude. I can see opening gifts during a party where you have been asked not to bring them to be rude. But, to simply request that a tradition be ignored rude? Why??? Even Emily Post says it is okay. http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2009/06/no-gifts-please-what-to-say-on-an-invitation/ Edited May 13, 2012 by Lolly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 We were invited to our first "don't bring a present" party. I barely know this family, and I feel so awkward showing up at their house empty handed. I asked if I could bring food and she said, 'no'. So, can you bring birthday cards if you were told not to bring a present? It just feels weird to me. :confused: I would go empty-handed per their request. We often go to birthday parties without taking a gift. People often come to ours without gifts too. In our circle, gifts are not expected. I like it that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) There are other occasions where a gift is not required, but if you have a birthday party or a wedding, it is proper to bring a gift and improper to say "no gifts". You can bring an inexpensive gift. The etiquette does not say that you have to bring an expensive gift. By the letter of the "law" you may be right. By the spirit though? No. Not at all, especially now that no gift parties have become quite common. Cultural norms shift over time. Etiquette is first and foremost about being gracious and making the people around you feel at ease. Making other people's needs and enjoyment your first thought and action. It is true that saying no gifts is counter to tradition and that it was not considered nice for a host to mention gifts at all, either by stating what they wanted for gifts or saying no gifts (making gift registries totally counter to traditional etiquette- the adoption of registries was a big shift in appropriate etiquette.) That said, ignoring the a well intentioned request and going ahead and doing something that you know has the potential to make the host and the guests that did not bring something feel embarrassed is rude. By doing it, you are putting your feelings (that you need to bring a gift) ahead of other people's comfort. Take a card. Think of your own need to bring something as being less important than the risk of making others unhappy or uncomfortable. You can always invite the family over for dinner another night or ask the birthday child to join you on a fun outing (maybe one where you buy them a little something incidental to the outing even.) There is one girl we know who always has a no gift party but we know she loves flowers so we drop off flowers with a card sometime around her birthday to brighten her day. There are other ways to give than traditional presents. Edited May 13, 2012 by kijipt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 I would really find out what the birthday child wants, and then respect that. My DD usually has no gift parties, and always has a different charity she wants people to donate to instead. She gets pretty upset (privately, to me, not in front of her friends) when people bring her gifts instead because a) she thinks that's money that could have gone to her cause instead, and b) she knows it makes the people who followed her wishes feel awkward. This year she told me that NEXT year she's not inviting back one child BECAUSE they always bring a gift and it makes her feel not respected. I am sure you are quite proud of your daughter but quite frankly it comes across as prideful and judgemental. Now you are not including the child that brings a gift? Maybe this would be a good lesson of grace and acceptance. Do you see the irony that your daughter wants her "gift" money to go to a charity and yet can not extend grace to a guest that brings her a gift? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted May 13, 2012 Share Posted May 13, 2012 THen, you find a time other than the party to give them the gift. When we have done no gift parties, the few presents people insisted on bringing were set aside in a bedroom to be opened later, not in the presence of the guests. This is a great idea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 One of our daughters had a no-gift party for her 16th birthday. She had invited a LOT of teens from the homeschooling group and from her basketball team, and from church. She just wanted to have a fun time. If each one had brought her a gift it would have been overwhelming. She decorated the basement with strings of lights and made a huge wall poster and left out markers for friends to write birthday wishes, draw pictures, be creative and funny. It was a nice memento. They played cards and board games, played music, ate food, and had a blast. She made cupcakes instead of having a traditional birthday cake. A couple of friends did bring gifts, and she just thanked them with a smile and quietly stashed them in her room to open later. She did not want to draw attention to the gifts. Later she opened them and thanked the givers (after the party). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Definitely bring a card and leave it at that since you don't know them very well. Arguably, both no-gift appeals and guests who bring gifts to a no-gift party are not following good etiquette standards, which are around essentially to minimize awkward moments. I side with the no strings attached, no instructions to follow, birthday party. Generally, no-gift requests present more stress beforehand and are disregarded leaving other attendees feeling bad. :glare: If we want to give a gift to someone, that's done at another time and place before the no-gift party. Also, rather than a having a birthday party with all the incoming stuff, at times, we've opted for parties given for another occasion. It puts the focus back into having fun. :D :iagree: Also, each of my girls only has a big friends birthday party every 3 years- only one girl gets a party each calendar year, ending at age 16, then a high school grad party, then done. Butt hey are free to host 'not a birthday" parties at any time, and of course no gift would be expected, and bringing a snack to share is encouraged. It;s the get-together they love, but also they have different/new friends every 3 years, for their 'real" birthday party. And every single "no gifts" party I attended had everyone but me bring a gift- and we were given ginormous goodie bags- probably worth more than I would have spent on a gift. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I am sure you are quite proud of your daughter but quite frankly it comes across as prideful and judgemental. Now you are not including the child that brings a gift? Maybe this would be a good lesson of grace and acceptance. Do you see the irony that your daughter wants her "gift" money to go to a charity and yet can not extend grace to a guest that brings her a gift? :iagree: We have been invited to parties where we were requested to make donations to causes we do not an cannot support. I applaud children who are active politically, civically, or whatever, but I don;t like to see kids parties modeled after grown-up fundraisers, KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I am sure you are quite proud of your daughter but quite frankly it comes across as prideful and judgemental. Now you are not including the child that brings a gift? Maybe this would be a good lesson of grace and acceptance. Do you see the irony that your daughter wants her "gift" money to go to a charity and yet can not extend grace to a guest that brings her a gift? I don't think it comes off as prideful or judgmental at all. I do find it rude for someone to ignore the host's wishes for their party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 But, to simply request that a tradition be ignored rude? Why??? Miss Manners is opposed to "no gifts" because it supposedly makes it seem as if the host was "expecting" them. To me there is emotional "expectations" and life-experience "expectations". I expect the sun to rise tomorrow, and in the world where I live, for my entire life, birthday parties comes with gifts. I "expect" them like I expect gravity. So, perhaps I should say I feel safe in predicting them. Thus heading them off at the pass doesn't seem rude. Is wearing safety belts an insult to other drivers? Times change. The "no gift" invite is a result of the huge buying power we now have, such that our houses are full of stuff and whole industries are created around decluttering, i.e. getting rid of stuff. Add to the the huge range of stuff available, from expensive electronics to Power Ranger carp, that some parents don't want to have to pry out of the hands of a 6 year old. It is my house. I can only put up with so much noise and esthetically offensive material. But I feel safe. I suspect anyone I would invite over knows me well enough to know I don't mean to be offensive, but helpful and pragmatic, and would not hold my disagreement with Miss Manners (and probably the original Emily Post) against me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I would respectfully disagree. We often do no gift parties. We are asking for it because my children have so much more than enough and simply want some fun times with their friends to celebrate. We have several friends that are tight are money--I would hate for them to go without something they need in order to get my child something. We love to receive a homemade card (or store bought) and the "presence" of their friends. I usually write "your presence is our present". Our desire is to teach our children that life is not about stuff. This is one way it happens for us in our families. Whether it is proper or not, it is a way we try to differ from a consumer mentality. I understand what you are saying, but it is still improper to tell people not to bring gifts. You don't have to agree with me as I am not your mother :) Stay with me a minute and I'll try to put together Miss Manners' advice about giving gifts and telling people not to give them. In our society, we feel obligated to give gifts to people whom we care about. When people invite us to parties, and we care enough about them to go, we *want* to bring something to show them that we care. We are generous like that. :) The other side of polite society is that we do not expect people to bring us gifts, even though we know that they will because they love us. Nevertheless, it is not polite to openly expect to get gifts. When you tell people not to bring gifts, you are doing two things: expecting them to bring them, which we know is not polite; and not giving them the opportunity to show that they care for you. If people ask you what they should bring, you can say, "Oh, gosh, we're just thrilled to death that you're coming." But you cannot politely write on the invitation that they shouldn't bring gifts. As I said, I'm not your mother and you're not obligated in any way to agree with me. I'm just passing on what I have learned from Miss Manners. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I understand what you are saying, but it is still improper to tell people not to bring gifts. You don't have to agree with me as I am not your mother :) Stay with me a minute and I'll try to put together Miss Manners' advice about giving gifts and telling people not to give them. In our society, we feel obligated to give gifts to people whom we care about. When people invite us to parties, and we care enough about them to go, we *want* to bring something to show them that we care. We are generous like that. :) The other side of polite society is that we do not expect people to bring us gifts, even though we know that they will because they love us. Nevertheless, it is not polite to openly expect to get gifts. When you tell people not to bring gifts, you are doing two things: expecting them to bring them, which we know is not polite; and not giving them the opportunity to show that they care for you. If people ask you what they should bring, you can say, "Oh, gosh, we're just thrilled to death that you're coming." But you cannot politely write on the invitation that they shouldn't bring gifts. As I said, I'm not your mother and you're not obligated in any way to agree with me. I'm just passing on what I have learned from Miss Manners. :) Someone already linked this in the thread :) Even Emily Post says it is okay. http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2009/06/no-gifts-please-what-to-say-on-an-invitation/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAMom Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 In our society, we feel obligated to give gifts to people whom we care about. When people invite us to parties, and we care enough about them to go, we *want* to bring something to show them that we care. We are generous like that. :) The other side of polite society is that we do not expect people to bring us gifts, even though we know that they will because they love us. Nevertheless, it is not polite to openly expect to get gifts. See, I think this is part of the problem. People invite people they barely know to parties these days. So, we're not giving gifts to people we care about. We're being required to give gifts to people we don't even know. Lots of times we end up getting invited because of etiquette (the school requires you invite every kid in the class, etc.) and we may even accept out of etiquette (going to a baby shower of your husband's employee's wife, etc.) and then we're expected to bring a gift. So, you're out there spending money and wracking your brain trying to choose a gift for someone you don't even know. It's all very awkward.:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammyw Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I brought this subject up several months ago, only it was us trying to have a "no gifts" party. Frankly, I gave up, and our family went to Disneyland instead (we are within driving distance). I felt like I couldn't please everyone, and I honestly didn't want to even try :) So much easier to not have to deal with a party at all! If someone invites us to a party and requests "no gifts please", we will absolutely honor it. My daughter would draw a nice picture, and that'd be that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 See, I think this is part of the problem. People invite people they barely know to parties these days. So, we're not giving gifts to people we care about. We're being required to give gifts to people we don't even know. Lots of times we end up getting invited because of etiquette (the school requires you invite every kid in the class, etc.) and we may even accept out of etiquette (going to a baby shower of your husband's employee's wife, etc.) and then we're expected to bring a gift. So, you're out there spending money and wracking your brain trying to choose a gift for someone you don't even know. It's all very awkward.:tongue_smilie: The principle remains the same. :) If you're invited to a party given by/for someone you hardly know, you're not required to attend, right? It is not rude to decline an invitation. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Runningmom80 Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 We had a no gift party and only one person brought a gift in the form of a gift card. I was very happy that no one brought anything, so I advise just bring a card. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I understand what you are saying, but it is still improper to tell people not to bring gifts. If people ask you what they should bring, you can say, "Oh, gosh, we're just thrilled to death that you're coming." But you cannot politely write on the invitation that they shouldn't bring gifts. I don't "tell". I ask ("Please, no gifts"). And yes, I can do so politely. To insist on bringing a present because one feels it is less impolite than being asked not goes against a very useful saying "two wrongs don't make a right". It sounds like you are more in love with "the rules" than of being nice to a friend. BTW, Miss Manner's really contorted way of not breaking this rule is to invite people to a party and only when they've arrived let them know it is a birthday party. Biz-zarro, I say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammyw Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I don't "tell". I ask ("Please, no gifts"). And yes, I can do so politely. To insist on bringing a present because one feels it is less impolite than being asked not goes against a very useful saying "two wrongs don't make a right". It sounds like you are more in love with "the rules" than of being nice to a friend. BTW, Miss Manner's really contorted way of not breaking this rule is to invite people to a party and only when they've arrived let them know it is a birthday party. Biz-zarro, I say. *Like* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I don't "tell". I ask ("Please, no gifts"). And yes, I can do so politely. To insist on bringing a present because one feels it is less impolite than being asked not goes against a very useful saying "two wrongs don't make a right". It sounds like you are more in love with "the rules" than of being nice to a friend. BTW, Miss Manner's really contorted way of not breaking this rule is to invite people to a party and only when they've arrived let them know it is a birthday party. Biz-zarro, I say. :iagree: So, Miss Manners is ok with it if you withhold info from your guests and Emily Post thinks it is fine. So, I think we can safely say the times, they are a changing. The families who show up with something are going to be the ones annoying the host or hostess at the end of the day when they have more "stuff" to deal with. I think something small and consumable would be ok with a card . (My kids have gotten things like book marks or a few stickers or a little piece of candy at no gift parties). But just a card is perfectly fine. I am generally right on board with Miss Manners on most everything, but I absolutely think it is rude to ignore a request for no gifts on an invitation. Every family is different. Just because for someone it is a given you MUST bring a gift for a party, it might look like a ridiculous extravagance and overkill to another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 We have requested no-gift parties and I really appreciated it when people honored that. A card would be appropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrappyhappymama Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Take a gift anyway. It is more proper to take a gift to a party than to tell your guests not to bring any. I also respectfully disagree. Like others have said, it can be worded as a request, not a command. :) We have friends that we'd like to invite to parties that are in NO financial position to be buying birthday gifts. I am close enough to them to know that they would not let their children attend parties because they were embarrassed to show up without a gift. So we decided, along with our children, that we'd rather have a fun party with our friends than more gifts. For the most part, our no-gifts parties have been a great success! The kids have a blast, our kids still get plenty of gifts from family that are opened at another time, and the emphasis at the party shifts from "what did I get?" to having fun with friends. The only hitch we've encountered is from folks who insist on bringing a gift anyway, because it has the potential to make the other party attendees feel embarrassed. In this case, we do this: THen, you find a time other than the party to give them the gift. When we have done no gift parties, the few presents people insisted on bringing were set aside in a bedroom to be opened later, not in the presence of the guests. At first I felt badly for not opening the gifts in front of the giver, but now we just accept that they wanted to give a gift anyway, and show our appreciation at a later time as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Take a gift anyway. It is more proper to take a gift to a party than to tell your guests not to bring any. Actually it might be a sign that the household giving the party is aware that some people may not have money for a gift and the host family would just like to have a fun time with friends without putting the pressure of that expense on others. Maybe in the day and age where you could take baked goods or something like that, a gift as a requirement might have been acceptable. There are other occasions where a gift is not required, but if you have a birthday party or a wedding, it is proper to bring a gift and improper to say "no gifts". You can bring an inexpensive gift. The etiquette does not say that you have to bring an expensive gift. And then you still feel like a fool because the other gifts are expensive ones ($20 is expensive to me) because all you can afford is a very inexpensive gift. When we have done no gift parties, the few presents people insisted on bringing were set aside in a bedroom to be opened later, not in the presence of the guests. LIKE!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Actually it might be a sign that the household giving the party is aware that some people may not have money for a gift and the host family would just like to have a fun time with friends without putting the pressure of that expense on others. Inviting someone to a party is not putting pressure on anyone to buy a gift, and it puzzles me that you would even express it that way. Also, whether the "no gifts" is expressed as a request or not is irrelevant. But as I have said, I'm not your mother, and you aren't obligated in any way to agree with me. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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