s/o-s/o What are reasonable expectations for hs moms?

[Soror]

I've got to ask now with the most universal reply that the previous op's husband had unreasonable demands, what do people here think is reasonable? What do you expect of yourself? What if anything does your dh expect?

[Jennifer in MI]

I have MUCH higher expectations of myself than my dh does. So, I guess that is better for me. I'd feel very resentful if I felt I were doing all these chores for someone else all the time.

 

Instead, I try to have a list of things done before dh comes home because I want to spend time as a family and not because he wants me to have them done.

 

Those things include:

 

Laundry (if there's a full load, it'll be done and folded - not put away. We do that every few days)

Dinner at least started

Family room picked up

Flat surfaces picked up

Beds made

Bathrooms wiped down

Living area vacuumed, if necessary.

 

Now, in order to accomplish that, I assign my boys most of these chores. I do the laundry and dinner and maybe wipe down one bathroom. Everything else is done by the kids. That helps a TON!!! When my kids were smaller, I didn't try to keep things as neat.

[Parrothead]

Dh no longer has expectations. Sadly his expectations have been shot down so many times over the years that basically now his expectation is that I get out of bed at some point during the day. :D

 

Now my expectations for myself. These take into consideration that I'm healthy, not in pain and have slept during the night.

 

Daily

Dd and I get a healthy breakfast

I shower and get dressed with minimum hair and make up depending on the demands of the day.

School gets done

Lunch gets made

More school gets done

The house gets tidied up

Dd gets to outside lessons

The dog and cats get their needs met

Dinner is cooked

The house gets a final family tidy up

 

Weekly

The budget gets the once over and bills are paid

The other financial aspects of life are see to

The shopping is done

 

Monthly

The kitchen floor gets scrubbed

The mudroom gets cleaned

[amy g.]

Dh and I do not have expectations. We have values and agreements.

 

Our values include putting our children first. We agree on that. We agree to tell the truth, and do our best, but there is no expectation for either of us to cook or clean unless asked.

 

Every night, he calls and asks if I need him to get anything at the store. Sometimes he asks if I want him to get take out.

 

If I made dinner, that's when I tell him, otherwise, it is every adult for his/herself. and if I do make dinner, he thanks me every time, and acts like I did something extra nice, certainly not an expectation.

 

He goes to work and makes money.

 

I take care of the kids.

 

Everything else is up for grabs.

[Murphy101]

Dishes done after every meal, including wiping down the counter, table and sweeping.

 

Laundry not piled up unless it's bedding.

 

Bathrooms cleaned daily, which includes scooping kitty box and feeding animals.

 

Daily lessons completed.

 

Outside commitments/lessons met.

 

Keeping to the budget.

 

Vacuuming and mopping once a week or more.

 

All meals made at home.

 

Everyone is dressed and breakfasted by 9:00 am, which is actually considered a couple hours late here.

 

Kids are usually in bed by 8 or 9. Except teens. They stay up later, but are somewhat quiet out of respect for us and little ones sleeping.

 

ETA: House is picked up before dinner or before we leave the house if we don't expect to be back before dinner.

 

This has always been out norm. Over the years, most of the chores have gone to older kids, but I've also taken on more teaching and taxi servicing, so I don't feel my duties have reduced at all. I'm struggling these days trying to adjust with our newest addition to the family. Idk why but 10 is kicking my butt.

Edited April 28, 2012 by Martha

[Rosie_0801]

Since my will isn't strong enough to combat sleep deprivation, dh has become acquainted with reality and doesn't expect much.

 

What he does expect:

Clean clothes to be available, within the limits of the weather (check)

The kids to have eaten recently (check)

That we'll have been to playgroup in the past week (baring illness, check)

Me to be sensible with money and pay my share of the bills (check)

Me to bring the mail in before the snails eat it (most of the time :eek:)

That I'll have swept the kitchen sometime that week (check)

That I'll ring before he finishes work if I'm too tired to cook (if it's been the sort of day where I'm too brain fuzzed to manage that, he'll do nothing but sigh and go out for hamburgers)

I'll do school with dd most days and "do school" with ds occasionally

 

 

Rosie

[Alice]

Dh and I do not have expectations. We have values and agreements.

 

Our values include putting our children first. We agree on that. We agree to tell the truth, and do our best, but there is no expectation for either of us to cook or clean unless asked.

 

 

:iagree: I don't know that I have a list of things I expect to get done daily. When we decided to homeschool we knew we were agreeing to a certain lifestyle. We work together as a team to make things work. We have values that are important to us a couple and as a family and they guide us in how we live our days.

 

I have responsibilities. These include work, schooling and helping to run the house. My expectation for myself is that I'll do what needs to be done.

 

I think for me in the other thread the thing I thought was unrealistic was the idea that one person would be able to do everything. I don't think it's unrealistic to homeschool and work and run a household, but I don't do those things without realizing I need help somehow.

[Plucky]

I have checklists for myself and my kids so we can do most everything now.

 

We tidy and clean the whole house during the week (sans mopping). It's not perfect but very nice.

 

I homeschool, chauffeur, help with homework for the kids in b&m school, cook, etc. I do most of it and my dh travels a lot. He's often gone during the week.

 

Kids mow & weed. I weed.

 

Dh cooks 1-2 dinners a week. He loves to cook. He's actually better at it than I am. He does most of the outside work, car and home maintenance and tries to get the kids involved or even delegates.

 

 

When my kids were little it was very hard. There is a world of difference in having only littles with no adult or teen help. My kids can all help out now. I've also grown into my job more. I'm more organized and can multi-task better. Either way while I miss my babies I wouldn't really want to go back in time. It was hard.

[whitestavern]

Dh and I are on the same page as far as expectations, for the most part. My responsibilities include keeping the house reasonably neat/clean, cooking most meals, handling bills, errands, appointments for the kids and me, and homeschooling the kids. The kids also help me do many of the chores that keep the house clean. Dh is a cub scout leader so he always brings my son to that and he helps bring the kids to extracurriculars that happen outside daytime hours (nights/weekends). However, I do work from home (we both do actually, but different jobs and he has an office detached from the house) and since my work is very sporadic, when it comes, it can be very intense. Example: this week I'm working on three separate jobs-- it's always feast or famine!-- and I've been tied to my computer almost 24/7 except for 4 hours of sleep per night. So he has no problem stepping in to both help cook and drive the kids places. The responsibilities of the household have been naturally divided without any real conversation over the years and we both feel pretty happy with the way it all works out. But when one or the other has extenuating circumstances affecting their "duties" the other will gladly step in to assist.

[JessReplanted]

I don't think there's a list of expectations that I'm supposed to meet each day. I can't imagine living under that kind of pressure. :confused:

 

My focus is on our family. With the kids, I concentrate on their spiritual, character, educational, & physical development. I do the grocery shopping, prepare meals, and clean up meals. I keep the laundry going. I make sure we have fun.

 

My husband tries to help with the house when he can. I try to keep it moderately clean. When it's looking really funky though, he takes it as a sign that he needs to pitch in more - rather than assume that I'm not 'doing my job.'

[JFSinIL]

Kids educated. Something for dinner - even if only leftovers reheated. Laundry started.

 

Bear in mind, too - homeschooling and being a mom is not just a 9 - 5 job. It starts as soon as the first kid wakes up and ends when Mom turns on the dishwasher, takes out something to thaw for the next day's dinner, checks that the doors are locked, etc. etc. and collapses into bed.

Edited April 28, 2012 by JFSinIL

[Murphy101]

To be clear my dh has never given me clear expectations. It's just an understood here. Just like I have never told my dh I expect him to do his best at work and earn a paycheck. It's just an understood.

 

If I don't do these basic things for some reason, he understands something must have got me off track and he understands that happens. It's not a big deal.

 

It would be a big deal if it was always like that.

[Bluegoat]

We have fallen into a kind of division of labour that usually works. When dh is home, I always try to have dinner ready at about 5:30, and things picked up before he gets home. I also try to clean myself and the kids up a bit. I guess we have similar feelings about level of general cleanliness, I pretty much have to do a sweep/swiffer or vacuum every day because of the dog hair. Then things like bathrooms laundry etc are mine and so is school.

 

I tend to fall behind regularly on laundry, and occasionally on scrubbing out the toilet, and dh helps out when he sees this has happened. Although, until recently, his laundry help was totally counter-productive.

 

Dh earns the living, he does lawn stuff and pooper-scooping, and most nights he does story/bed routine for the girls.

 

When he is away, I do it all, though I sometimes pay to get the lawn mowed.

[Desert Rat]

I have very high expectations for myself. It was all doable before the economy crashed and I started cleaning 3-4 houses a week. Now, well, it's harder.

Here's my daily expecations of myself:

Kids educated (well!)

House straightened, beds made.

Laundry and dishes caught up.

Dinner at 5pm (leftovers are fine).

School ready for the next day.

 

I have Fridays off. That day is doctor/dentist appt. day, linens, my house cleaned, library, groceries, bank. I get it all done.

 

FWIW, my husband is an amazing man. He is constantly telling me that I expect too much of myself and that I need to let a few things go. The sad thing? I just can't relax if the house is out of order. And I'm not great at just sitting. But, he does pitch in and help. We have a great partnership, even if most of the household responsibilities are mine. They always have been. And I'm better at house keeping.

 

He was hooking up my new dishwasher (hurray!) yesterday and was upset with how yucky under the sink was. He pulled it all out and I sorted through it, tossing as I went. I wasn't upset that he thought it was too messy. I just explained that these were the kinds of things that I did in the afternoons when the kids were napping or playing. I did a 20 minute clean out every day. I can't do that now. He understood and is just as sad that I have to work as I am. It's nice that he understands.

[Jean in Newcastle]

No expectations here for either of us. We both have responsibilities. And the consequences that happen if we don't fulfill them.

 

He is responsible for going to his work. If he doesn't, or does a substandard job, he will be under discipline at work and eventually will get fired. My responsibilities don't give me the out of being fired.;) I'm responsible for the laundry - either directly or by delegation. If it doesn't get done, we have the consequence of dirty clothes. I am responsible for meals - either directly or indirectly (take out or eating out). If it doesn't get done, we go hungry. I am responsible for paying the bills out of the money that dh is responsible for getting into the bank account. If either of us messes up, then we have the consequence of late payments, interest etc. I am responsible for keeping the house clean enough for health and safety. Perhaps this area is more nebulous than others because there is a wide range between pristine and hovel. I am also responsible for educating our children. The consequences of not achieving this responsibility scares me more than the responsibilities of not meeting some of my other responsibilities.

 

All of these responsibilities can be ranked in order of priority at any given time. (At tax time, for example, the financial responsibility becomes number 1.) And all of these responsibilities have a range of standards between failure to meet the responsibility and perfection.

[Plucky]

I've got to ask now with the most universal reply that the previous op's husband had unreasonable demands, what do people here think is reasonable? What do you expect of yourself? What if anything does your dh expect?

 

Oh, I read that wrong. He wants a happy & healthy family. A clean house is just icing.

[kewb]

What do I think is reasonable? I don't tell him how to do his job. He doesn't tell me how to mine. I made it very clear early on that if he does not like the way I do something he has 2 choices. Accept how I do it or do it himself. This is true for me as well. 20 years later I still grit my teeth and remind myself to be thankful he put his dishes in the dishwasher even though the way he did it is clearly wrong.

[FriedClams]

Dh and I do not have expectations. We have values and agreements.

 

Our values include putting our children first. We agree on that. We agree to tell the truth, and do our best, but there is no expectation for either of us to cook or clean unless asked.

 

Every night, he calls and asks if I need him to get anything at the store. Sometimes he asks if I want him to get take out.

 

If I made dinner, that's when I tell him, otherwise, it is every adult for his/herself. and if I do make dinner, he thanks me every time, and acts like I did something extra nice, certainly not an expectation.

 

He goes to work and makes money.

 

I take care of the kids.

 

Everything else is up for grabs.

:iagree:

 

I usually cook, though. DH hates eating out so I make a huge effort to cook when he's not traveling. He will call and see if we need anything for dinner, etc. We share clean up duty after dinner but that's being transitioned to the kids. We all work together for clean up time. We are big on team effort here.

[FriedClams]

Oh yeah - we also have a family rule: "You can ask me to do something or you can tell me how to do something, but you can't do both." Saves a lot of 'discussion'.

[Mom-ninja.]

Right?! Please...fire me from laundry duty. Pretty please.

 

I've tried to turn in my resignation. Neither my kids nor my dh accepted it.

Edited April 29, 2012 by Kleine Hexe

[Gentlemommy]

*My* expectations of myself are much higher than my dh's expectations. I think all he cares about is that the kids are taken care of and the ones who are old enough to be educated are educated well.

 

What I like to see done daily- this happens most days, unless there is illness or extenuating circumstances.

 

Kids educated well. For me this mean that at LEAST the 3 R's were accomplished, and one other subject.

Therapy with dd.

Kids fed decently healthy.

Pets taken care of-fed, watered, walked, groomed, litter box, poop scooped out of yard, cage cleaned.

Beds made.

Kitchen clean-dishes in DW, counters and table wiped, floors vacuumed and mopped.

Living room and school room vacuumed.

Bathroom counters and toilets wiped, toilets swished.

Laundry washed and put away. (I struggle with the folding and putting away part lol)

Toys/shoes/clothes/ect picked up and put in their proper place, multiple times per day.

Girls room picked up-shoes lined up in closet, clothing hung, toys (there aren't many) put in their place, bed made, ect.

 

Every other day-dusting, one day it's bedrooms, the next it's common areas. Bathtub and shower sprayed and wiped. Couch wiped down. Cloth diapers washed.

 

Once a week-bedding washed. Car cleaned out. Grocery shopping. Cabinetry in kitchen and bathrooms wiped down. Small appliances in kitchen cleaned. Fridge and DW doors cleaned. Walls Magic Erasered. Baseboard, door frames, and handles wiped down. Sliding glass door cleaned. Mirrors in bathroom cleaned. Glass (picture frames) in rest of the house wiped.

 

 

Now, I do have three kids 7 and younger, and my youngest is a toddler. So it doesn't always happen the way I like lol. But generally my house can be company ready in under ten minutes. It's not because of dh, but because *I* like it that way, and it stresses me out if it gets messy. my older two (4 and 7) do quite a few chores. They-

Make their beds

Pick up their toys/shoes/clothes

Put folded laundry away

Wipe counters in bathrooms

Vacuum bathroom and kitchen

Dust their bedrooms

Dust living and school room

Feed/water pets

Laundry with supervision

Bring dirty plates to sink, scrape food into trash

Entertain toddler lol

 

Most of the time dh isn't home until after 7. And then he travels. So I've kind of gotten used to doing most of the work on my own. I think that is what has helped the most-just knowing I can NOT rely on his consistent help. Also I have a chore buddy who is a HS mom. We text each other during the day as we accomplish our schooling or chore list. That really helps me stay motivated.

 

Lately we've been going out to the barn quite a bit-three or more evenings a week. Add in vision therapy appointments, coop, ballet, gymnastics, church...we are quite busy. I've found that if I have at least one "at home" day, I can get caught up and stay on top of things. If we miss that day, it's much harder for me.

Edited April 29, 2012 by Gentlemommy

[sewingmama]

Dh no longer has expectations. Sadly his expectations have been shot down so many times over the years that basically now his expectation is that I get out of bed at some point during the day. :D

 

 

:lol:

 

This is pretty much my DH to. He does like to see that the kids have been schooled a bit at least but that's about it.

 

He earns the money - I look after the kids -that's about it with the expectations. :D

[FO4UR]

My dh really likes good meals made. He *expects* sandwiches several times per week. :lol: He has few expectations as far as cleanliness goes. If the clutter is out-of-sight, he thinks it's clean.

 

 

My expectations are different. I want sanitary conditions, and I don't mind a bit of clutter. A pile of books on the counter is no biggie. It's the food smeared all over the counter that I cannot tolerate.

 

 

Dishes all washed up by bedtime.

 

Floors swept by bedtime.

 

Bathrooms sanitary. (I always have a triage of towels hanging, etc..sigh!)

 

Laundry gets done when a basket is full. I do at least 1-3 loads per day. I fold right out of the dryer and those piles sit there for days sometimes, until I send a child to grab their pile and put it away.

 

 

The toys have to be reasonable. If it's too much to pick up in 15min, it's too much to have accessible.

 

 

I expect everyone to take care of their own shoes/coats/etc/etc/etc...

[MomatHWTK]

I calculated the times each of my children rise and go to bed, and doing the math, I am working a 14 hour day every day. I am a childcare provider, cook, teacher, and housekeeper during that time. I do get two days "off" a week when my mom comes over to help or take the kids. But the time off is only about 6 hours, and only for the "childcare" job. Then I'm just a cook and errand runner. LOL!

 

I do try to fit in a little time for myself (probably too much) and actually enjoy the children during the day too.

 

My DH has lowered his expectations exponentially, especially after I've been sick a few times and he's had to do my jobs. ;)

 

In all fairness, he does his 8 hour a day outside the house job and still helps here too- so he's probably doing close to 14 hours as well. Young children, taking care of a house and each other just takes a lot of work. It's when one of us isn't keeping up that things start to get tense. So it's just something we need to be mindful of.

Edited April 29, 2012 by MomatHWTK

[PeacefulChaos]

Hmm... DH just wants dinner. He doesn't care what it is as long as he can eat it :) . He loves spaghetti and simple stuff like that, which is good, because it's what I make. He doesn't care how clean the house is, within reason. There have been times when I haven't gotten around to a lot of cleaning and we'll turn Saturday into a day to clean the stuff that doesn't normally get attention. But he isn't fussing at me about it... he may say something, but not in a negative way.

If I were a total slob, he may get annoyed. I think that if he has expectations, they are reasonable because he's never complained about anything. The house is clean enough, I'm a stickler about the floors being picked up (toys and stuff have to be picked up off the floors often, so there is no stepping on toys or feeling like you have to walk through a minefield), the kids are clean,healthy, happy, and learning, the dishes are clean, the laundry is clean (and folded...though I can't always guarantee it makes it back into the dresser before a new pair of socks is needed. :D ), and we have food. :lol:

I would love for my house to be spotless. Unfortunately, that is out of the question, and I'm ok with that. It took me awhile, though, to realize that our home (with 3 kids) couldn't look like the home I grew up in (with two senior adults, one of whom was away on business for days at a time, and myself), especially for now. And I like it this way. We're lived in. So what I actually expect of myself? Let's see... I try to do laundry every day. I don't usually, though...usually about 4-5 days/wk. I do DH & I/DD's one day, the boys another, and the towels another. The goal is to get through them all twice in a week. I don't like for dirty dishes to be in the sink for very long, but I may not get the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher until before lunch, but the rest of the day I rinse and load after meals. I run it daily or every other day, depending on whether I feel like washing the pots and pans by hand or not. :tongue_smilie: Either I unload it or I get the boys to. We keep the kitchen counters/stove/sink cleaned off regularly (daily), and the table is wiped off after dinner. Other than that, general housework I just do when I can, or when I notice it needs it (and I notice first). I think people walking in the house would find it clean enough - I definitely don't think anyone would find it dirty.

I pay the bills because I'm good with numbers and stuff. I do appointments because I'm home during the day and I always have. I have a calendar in my head - I do all the scheduling. To me these aren't 'responsibilities' or 'expectations' - it's just what I do because it's what I do. I'm good at it. I wouldn't want to do it differently. I don't run errands if I can help it. I grocery shop once a week, on Sunday evenings.

It's the same as it's always been, to me. I mean, yeah, I homeschool the kids...but really, I would expect labor to be divided based on working no matter what. So DH knew that when I started homeschooling, I probably wouldn't have time to clean everything the way I did before. I told him that, he didn't care. But when he was working and I was a non-homeschooling SAHM with two kids in PS? My expectations, and probably his, were a little higher. Again, he never complained, so I always met them. But it just made sense. When we both had jobs, we split the work evenly. Overall, homeschooling at this stage does NOT take up as much of my day as working does of his. I don't have to make lesson plans - I made those last spring for this school year. I'm currently working on next year's plans in my free time. So right now, I have the 'job' of homeschooling maybe...4 hours a day? That's still half of what he does. Idk, with division of labor and stuff, I don't really care for help with laundry or cooking or anything like that. :) I do hate to clean house, though. I would love to hire a maid. :D

 

ETA: I have to admit, though, that I think DH would be well within his rights to say something if I was not doing other things during the day. Like if I was literally just laying around on the couch all day watching soaps or something. And Yes, I do know people who do that. They aren't hs moms (well...one tried it for awhile. It didn't last long.) but they are SAHMs who never do anything. Literally. And I never want to be like one of those moms. I would hope that my DH would bring it up if I began turning into one by some strange twist of fate... :lol:

 

oh, and a disclaimer: I did NOT read the other thread that some of the PPs have mentioned.

Edited April 29, 2012 by PeacefulChaos

[Reflections]

We are in a partnership here. He changes the oil, I clean the toilets. He chops the wood, I cook dinner. He feeds the animules and changes their litterboxes, I feed the kids and change their diapers.

[KidsHappen]

Can someone link the OP referred to here.

[Melissa in Australia]

To be clear my dh has never given me clear expectations. It's just an understood here. Just like I have never told my dh I expect him to do his best at work and earn a paycheck. It's just an understood.

 

If I don't do these basic things for some reason, he understands something must have got me off track and he understands that happens. It's not a big deal.

.

:iagree: same here, except my DH doesn't go to work. He grows the food for our family.

 

 

 

Because My DH has had a work injury and cannot go to work ( disability pension) we have over the years worked out a system that works well for us. I personally don't like him doing much housework, makes me feel that I am not doing a good job. But he does some anyway. Like the other day, while I was out he started brewing some fig wine. during the process he spilt stuff on the floor, He then moped the floor. I came home and everything looked great. He will also bring tin the laundry off the line if I am not home and it looks like rain. but basically the house is my domain. and the vegetable garden and shed is his domain.

 

things I expect of myself are;

whole house vacuumed several times a week,

laundry washed line dried and folded each day.

kitchen kept reasonably clean, home cooked meal every day ( and I schedule the kids to do some of the cooking).

bread baked for the whole week on the weekend.

Whole house cleaned every weekend.

House cow milked every day.

My bed made.

[nono]

Everyone's life has so many different factors. For us, we got in this game late together. Everything was negotiated up-front, and has been renegotiated several times in our 11 year marriage!

 

 

 

So, currently, our expectations are this: once a month, the place looks like it could possibly be from a page in Architectural Digest. Except for the months of December, January, April, May, June, July, and August. Why not those months?

• in December/January it's holiday decorating + takedown
  
• in April/May, nothing in our house gets done while we focus on our summer rental
  
• in May/June, we do major projects on our home
  
• in July/August, it's summer at the shore, baby! Too busy mixing up margaritas to see the dust :D
  

So, in those remaining few months, we make sure there's one day a month where the place looks like we would prefer it to look always. Keeps a good picture in our heads of what we're striving for, as we pull out of the confusion of raising littles, parents dying, and losing jobs. We actually have a very complex schedule on a spreadsheet that outlines the cleaning/maintenance that need to be done. Depending on weather and such, those cells in the spreadsheet sure do a lot of traveling around that spreadsheet. It includes everything to do with the household -- indoor and outdoor, routine and unusual.

 

Our rule is that the jobs are up for distribution to anyone. The saying here is "Keeping up our home is our job." So, if you visit on a day when things aren't particularly well done, remember, it's not that "She doesn't keep the house very picked up." It's "They don't keep the house very picked up." ;)

[Rosie_0801]

kitchen kept reasonably clean

 

Reasonably clean? I'd have been willing to eat off your floor.

 

;)

Rosie

[laundrycrisis]

I will only comment on my own opinion of the minimum that must be done, since it is the reality at our house. It's wonderful when housekeeping can go beyond this and most of the time it should. But even in the worst of circumstances, these minimums should be dealt with no matter what. This is the absolute minimum that I hold myself to.

 

1. Dirty dishes should be processed at least once every 24 hours.

2. Dirty laundry should be processed at least once per week, and damp laundry must never be left sitting piled on itself - it must be allowed to dry before going into a pile.

3. Garbage that contains anything that can spoil and stink must be removed at least each 24 hours. If there is nothing perishable in the garbage, it can stay in the living space longer, but must never be allowed to overflow.

4. Bathrooms should be regularly wiped down so that there are no bodily fluids or wastes or residues of these accumulating, or microbes obviously growing. I don't mean the back corner of something that is hard to see, I mean the stuff that obviously greets you when you simply use the bathroom - that shouldn't be there.

 

Other household tasks can be taken care of more freestyle when it's necessary.

[Mimm]

I think it would be reasonable to expect me to keep the house much cleaner than I keep it. It's gotten pretty bad. I'm in the process of fixing that. I posted in a recent flylady thread about how I thought her system was good but I didn't like several things about it. So today I found an app that is allowing me to set up zones and routines and all that good stuff, so I'm working on that. :) (FlyHelper on the android market if anyone is interested... I didn't find it on the apple store.)

 

I am hoping to get to the point where I am keeping the kitchen clean, the floor picked up, and surfaces decluttered and doing other cleaning such as vacuuming, mopping, bathroom scrubbing on weekends. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me. My kids are nine and eleven. But as a family we have terrible habits of not picking up after ourselves.

 

ETA: My husband helps around the house. He does his own laundry and helps clean.

Edited April 30, 2012 by Mimm

[Hedgehogs4]

My dh expects me to take care of the kids (i.e. feed them, make sure they are dressed, and make sure they are progressing in their education), to clean up after myself (not his stuff), and to be respectful of our living situation...to be a participant in the household meaning a contributor to meals, cleaning, etc.

 

My expectations are much higher than his, I think. I expect to feed, clothe, and educate the kids as well as keep the house in an orderly fashion, provide meals (though he does much of the shopping for us), and give emotional support to the family. We all do our part and our household runs pretty smoothly, I think.

[happyhomemaker]

If dh has certain expectations of me, he hasn't shared them. I think we both just have the expectation that the other will work hard during the day. Period. And, most importantly, we both trust that the other has done this when we meet up in the evening. When dh walks through the door, I assume that he has been diligent about his job. It wouldn't occur to me to grill him about how many phone calls he made or how many emails he answered. Likewise, when he comes home- no matter the state of the house- he assumes I have been working hard that day, and I SO appreciate that about him. If the house is a mess he assumes I spent my time in other areas that needed it. He respects me enough to let me judge where my time needs to be spent and he appreciates all my efforts. When I read about dhs with super demanding expectations, all I can think is how much they do not respect and trust their wives.

 

As far as reasonable expectations go, I truly think its so different for different people, numbers of kids, ages of kids, number of activities, etc that it is hard to set down a standard. Only you know if you have been working during the day or being lazy.

 

That being said, for myself I try to:

Clear counters and load dishes into the dishwasher after every meal.

Run one load of laundry daily, fold, and put away (folding and putting away clothes is really hard for me for some reason)

Vacuum every other day

Wipe down one bathroom per day (working on getting the kids to help with this)

Declutter one area a day

Have the downstairs picked up when little dd goes down for her nap and again just before the dc go to bed

Have a cooked meal ready by 6:30

 

Sometimes I do more, sometimes I do less. I focus on educating the kids. They are bright and happy, and our home is clean but often a bit messy. I will have time for a magazine perfect house later. I am so thankful that dh and I are on the same page when it comes to this.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If dh has certain expectations of me, he hasn't shared them. I think we both just have the expectation that the other will work hard during the day. Period. And, most importantly, we both trust that the other has done this when we meet up in the evening. When dh walks through the door, I assume that he has been diligent about his job. It wouldn't occur to me to grill him about how many phone calls he made or how many emails he answered. Likewise, when he comes home- no matter the state of the house- he assumes I have been working hard that day, and I SO appreciate that about him. If the house is a mess he assumes I spent my time in other areas that needed it. He respects me enough to let me judge where my time needs to be spent and he appreciates all my efforts. When I read about dhs with super demanding expectations, all I can think is how much they do not respect and trust their wives.

 

 

I agree 100%.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I guess I can be thankful my hubby has exceptionally low standards in regards to housekeeing! He doesn't notice what our home looks like. But he cares 1000% about educating the kids. Plus he loves when I take the time to hike with them or go to the library or park, and those are the things he compliments me on. That being the case, I know where to focus my time.

[MFG]

If dh has certain expectations of me, he hasn't shared them. I think we both just have the expectation that the other will work hard during the day. Period. And, most importantly, we both trust that the other has done this when we meet up in the evening. When dh walks through the door, I assume that he has been diligent about his job. It wouldn't occur to me to grill him about how many phone calls he made or how many emails he answered. Likewise, when he comes home- no matter the state of the house- he assumes I have been working hard that day, and I SO appreciate that about him. If the house is a mess he assumes I spent my time in other areas that needed it. He respects me enough to let me judge where my time needs to be spent and he appreciates all my efforts. When I read about dhs with super demanding expectations, all I can think is how much they do not respect and trust their wives.

 

I dislike the whole language of 'expectations', especially when it includes a checklist.

[Melissa in Australia]

Reasonably clean? I'd have been willing to eat off your floor.

 

;)

Rosie

:001_smile: Thank you

[Lisbeth]

What do I think is reasonable? I don't tell him how to do his job. He doesn't tell me how to mine. I made it very clear early on that if he does not like the way I do something he has 2 choices. Accept how I do it or do it himself. This is true for me as well. 20 years later I still grit my teeth and remind myself to be thankful he put his dishes in the dishwasher even though the way he did it is clearly wrong.

 

Love this!

[Donna]

If dh has certain expectations of me, he hasn't shared them. I think we both just have the expectation that the other will work hard during the day. Period. And, most importantly, we both trust that the other has done this when we meet up in the evening. When dh walks through the door, I assume that he has been diligent about his job. It wouldn't occur to me to grill him about how many phone calls he made or how many emails he answered. Likewise, when he comes home- no matter the state of the house- he assumes I have been working hard that day, and I SO appreciate that about him. If the house is a mess he assumes I spent my time in other areas that needed it. He respects me enough to let me judge where my time needs to be spent and he appreciates all my efforts. When I read about dhs with super demanding expectations, all I can think is how much they do not respect and trust their wives.

 

As far as reasonable expectations go, I truly think its so different for different people, numbers of kids, ages of kids, number of activities, etc that it is hard to set down a standard. Only you know if you have been working during the day or being lazy.

 

:iagree: I was just going to start typing then went back to read a few posts and found this one that says about the same thing I was going to type.

[cottonmama]

I have fairly high expectations for what housekeeping tasks I ought to be able to accomplish during the day, but it seems that when I try to make that happen, I just get stressed and take that out on the kids. As a result, my dh prefers to come home to a messy house if it means I can report that the kids and I had a good day. :)

 

My husband and I have a few chores that we each took as our own when we first got married, and there has never been any reason to question that division -- I do the bathrooms and laundry, he does the bills and yard work and garbage. We both cook, we both clean the kitchen, we both declutter when needed.

 

So it's unspoken, but I suppose to some extent I expect him to do his things and he expects me to do mine. But we think of it more like the pp who said it was all responsibilities with natural consequences. At this stage of life (I hope it's just a stage of life thing) we get the consequences sometimes. We prioritize the important things (bills, getting laundry clean and dry even if it's not put away) and we keep up with the rest as well as we can while we have young children.

 

I hope things get better as our kids get a little older...