Poll: Marriage Counseling?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Option 1: It was highly beneficial to my marriage

 

Option 2: It was mildly beneficial to my marriage

 

Option 3: I could have taken it or left it

 

Option 4: It was not all beneficial

 

Option 5: It hurt my marriage

 

Option 6: I wouldn't even consider it

 

Option 7: I never felt the need to even consider it

 

Option 8: squirrel

Edited January 5, 2012 by Jean in Newcastle

[ktgrok]

It was HIGHLY beneficial to me. I ended up divorcing my husband anyway, or perhaps because of it, but that wasn't the fault of the therapist. It was a neglectful, manipulative, BAD relationship and she helped me be strong enough to think through my options, my needs, my desires for my child, etc. And what I learned has helped my relationship with my new husband greatly. I voted squirrel.

 

Oh, and the best marriage book I ever read was Marriage Builders...or something like that..there is a website. It talks about love being something that takes place for certain reasons, and how if you feel that love is gone or diminished there are actual things you can do to improve it.

[kalanamak]

I don't see the poll. :001_smile:

 

For my previous marriage, it didn't help. It takes two to tango. About three sessions into he said he couldn't believe I loved him (because he was "bad" in his heart). When I replied I made the very grave error of letting one tear down my cheek. Well, he was mortified and shouted the whole way home that he'd never seen such a display and he'd never go back, yadda yadda yadda. He only went because he wanted a divorce and I told him I'd stuck with him through rehab and cancer and I deserved a crack at marital counseling. Joke was on me. (Good counselor, I think, following John Gottman's philosophy.)

 

For this marriage I wouldn't consider it. Hubby isn't the kind to respond to anything like this, and was badly burned in his previous marriage. His ex went to have him "straightened up" and never let on anything. He would talk, the counselor would ask her opinion, and she said she'd have to think about it. Now he feels like it was a chance for her to sit judging while he had to pay for it by moonlighting.

[Tree House Academy]

First marriage...the therapist was nuts and my ex was a jerk. Nothing worked and we were only married 3 years.

 

Current marriage - we went through a rough spell when I was at the peak of my OCD/hypochondria. I was losing my mind and taking him down with me. We saw a precious Christian counselor who was able to help us move forward. That and prayer absolutely saved my sanity and our marriage. I can say that we are, today, 98% better than we were 7 years ago when we did the counseling. We have not had it in 5 years and are still going strong and doing well!

[goldberry]

Married young, and both of us were pretty clueless. Letting expectations destroy us, never looking at the good things we had.

 

Marraige counseling at 5 years totally turned our marraige around. Before the counseling, we were at the brink of divorce. Now we are celebrating our 26th year of disgusting others with our happiness.:001_wub:

 

BUT, both of us were willing to work on our marraige, and start working on our own issues as well. I don't think it can help unless both people are honestly willing.

[chepyl]

We did premarital counseling. It was a group class, it was okay. I would not consider counseling at this point....if we ever did need it, it would be through church.

[BMW]

I forced the issue last fall... and dh and I went to see a counselor for about 6 or so sessions. We learned some specific technique of communication, which we have completely forgotten and have not used since. I really couldn't even describe it much...

 

But, I did learn that I tend to monologue in our relationship. I can talk and talk and talk and take over and dh doesn't really get a word in. I have tried to keep that lesson in mind over time... I need to learn to hush and listen... That said, I also learned that I keep a lot of information about myself and what I am going through to myself and deal with it on my own. How crazy is that? So, when I monologue and talk and talk and talk, what am I sharing?? Well, I am telling him all about ways he is wrong, of course!

 

So, what I took from our time in counseling is to stop talking about his problems and listen to him more and that when I DO talk, I should share what I am going through because I tend to keep those things to myself...

 

Anyway, that's about the gist of it here...

[Denisemomof4]

Squirrels like nuts, we ARE nuts, we have not had marriage counseling. :D. I would not hesitate to get counseling if I thought we needed it, needed help working something out, or felt it would benefit us in any way.

 

Can you please update all of us about Libby?

[Rosie_0801]

It was highly beneficial for us. The way the system worked was we had a session with a generic (I suppose she was anyway) therapist. That was awful. Then we were shunted off to someone specialising in our issue. I told her I didn't want to hear a **** thing about Freud because not everything in life is about my father, she laughed and we got on quite well from there. We saw her weekly for a couple of months and she guided us through some expectation adjustments and that's never been a problem since.

 

We were going for a specific problem, which I imagine would make it more likely to help than if we were going for general dissatisfaction like my parents did. Apparently my father mostly grumbled about how Mum never made him any apple pies. I don't know what she grumbled about but nobody's marriage problems have apple pies at their source.

 

I would have liked to go back for another bout of counseling a few months back, but having two small kids makes that difficult. Now I think it wouldn't have helped because we have some neurological problems to sort out before counseling could do any good.

 

Rosie

[OnTheBrink]

It didn't help the marriage, but my marriage was nothing more than a farce at that point. It did help me decide to throw the baggage out, though.

[Audrey]

I have never felt the need for marital counseling. However, I do see a psychologist myself. I have issues. They are my issues. I do what I can to keep from OCDing my family to death.

 

That said, if my dh ever said he thought we should try marital counseling, I would go in a heartbeat. If he weren't such a pagan, I would nominate him for sainthood for putting up with me.

[PentecostalMom]

I went alone, but it definitely saved my marriage.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Squirrels like nuts, we ARE nuts, we have not had marriage counseling. :D. I would not hesitate to get counseling if I thought we needed it, needed help working something out, or felt it would benefit us in any way.

 

Can you please update all of us about Libby?

 

You always focus on the important stuff!:D Libby is fine. She can bat toys with her bad paw but is not weight bearing yet on that paw. She's been helped tremendously by doggie chiropractic and accupuncture. I am right now researching swim therapy for her. This dog gets much more attention (and therapy) than any of the humans around here.;)

[Denisemomof4]

You always focus on the important stuff!:D Libby is fine. She can bat toys with her bad paw but is not weight bearing yet on that paw. She's been helped tremendously by doggie chiropractic and accupuncture. I am right now researching swim therapy for her. This dog gets much more attention (and therapy) than any of the humans around here.;)

 

 

Aaaaw.... She is lucky to have all of you. Please update us all if she ever puts weight on that lef again! Batting at toys is a good sign!

[Liz CA]

I am right now researching swim therapy for her. This dog gets much more attention (and therapy) than any of the humans around here.;)

 

:D Didn't even know this existed for canines. Glad she is doing well!

We did some counseling last year and I voted beneficial. We had a tremendous year of losses (lots of funerals) and it took its toll on all of us. I was very glad when 2011 came to a close as it symbolized some kind of ending to a bad year.

Dh comes from a family that likes to sweep issues under the proverbial rug and I like to have it out and deal with it. So it is accurate to say we come at it from different corners.

Edited January 5, 2012 by Liz CA

[JessReplanted]

We started marriage counseling almost a year ago because of the stress in our lives (read: church planting).

 

It has been really great for us, and also really hard.

 

And, I think it took us at least 6 months before we even started diving into the nitty-gritty. So, if we had stopped going before then, my response to this question probably would have been 'not very beneficial.'

[jhschool]

We had two horrible counselors.

 

The first one was trying to detach me from DH. Yuck!

 

The second one was constantly causing strife between us,

baiting us, encouraging us to get separated, and finally told

us we were horrible.

 

DH and I are still married after 14 years.

Things are not perfect, but we love

each other very much. In spite of the marriage counseling.

We have common goals (DS), common interests, really

like each other, love spending time together, and are

pretty much in sync as far as what is important in life

(family, religion, child, happiness).

 

Anyway, marriage counseling was a waste of money!

It was all out of pocket, too! I wish I could have all the

money back...

[RoughCollie]

.

Edited January 5, 2012 by RoughCollie

[Carrie12345]

It was highly beneficial for us. The part I tend to stress is the fact that the "COUNSELING" wasn't the fix. The 50 minutes/wk we dedicated to communicating - really sharing and listening and WANTING to change - is what worked. And it was absolutely worth paying the counselor to sit there and hold us accountable!

[Cera]

It was HIGHLY beneficial to me. I ended up divorcing my husband anyway, or perhaps because of it, but that wasn't the fault of the therapist. It was a neglectful, manipulative, BAD relationship and she helped me be strong enough to think through my options, my needs, my desires for my child, etc. And what I learned has helped my relationship with my new husband greatly. I voted squirrel.

 

Oh, and the best marriage book I ever read was Marriage Builders...or something like that..there is a website. It talks about love being something that takes place for certain reasons, and how if you feel that love is gone or diminished there are actual things you can do to improve it.

 

:iagree: Exactly how it worked for me (but it's only been a year so no new husband).

[Pretty in Pink]

We're 9 years in and I've never felt the need to consider it.

 

I voted before I remembered that my ex and I did go to counseling once. The counseling was offered through the military base we were stationed on overseas, so the counselor was a military chaplain. I don't know whether the counseling was any good or not, but by the end of that session the chaplain looked at me and said that he couldn't see any reason for the to stay in that marriage. The counseling didn't help but that may have been due to my ex's refusal to participate.

[LauraGB]

Somewhere between "not helpful" and "squirrel". ;)

 

It's hard with situations like that because bringing in a 3rd person and trying to catch them up to speed with how two others already work is a giant pain, and that 3rd person can never really understand the dynamic. And if one of the arguments in the marriage is money, well, the 3rd person tends to exacerbate that issue, especially if that 3rd person is not at all helpful.

[elfgivas]

i voted "squirrel".....

 

i do marriage councelling.

 

i think the results are highly dependent.....

 

- on the skill of the councellor

- on the timing of the councelling (if it happens just at the moment of a crisis for example, where a couple has someone to walk with them thru some tough stuff, it is more effective than if really lousy stuff has unfolded and people are trying to paste life back together. eg. if one spouse has a substance abuse problem, its way more effective for the other spouse to talk about possible plans of action with a councellor BEFORE they confront the other spouse than afterwards.

- on the purpose of the councelling. (not necessarily the stated purpose, but the real reasons folks are there.)

 

- on the willingness of the people to work on their own stuff

- on how well the people know themselves, and are willing to be honest with themselves, and how willing they are to come to know themselves.

 

:grouphug:

 

ann

 

ps.

fwiw, i often start with myers briggs, to give folks some non-judgemental language with which to discuss differences..... and to help them get to know a bit more about their spouses and themselves. everyone doesn't think and feel the same way, and really knowing this helps a lot. this is something you can do a bit of on your own to see how much that helps.

 

then we work on "i" statements, body language and reflective listening. i also give some basic homework, often starting with "stop whatever you are doing when one of you leaves the house or enters it, and greet or say good bye to one another".

 

then, and only then, do we work on specific issues. (ie we develop the tools to use, then use them, rather than bashing one another with the tools we already have. mostly, if everyone had good tools, i'd be able to do only crisis councelling..... in the self help department, "please understand me", "nurture by nature" and "peaceful parents, peaceful kids" by naomi drew can make the world of difference. the last one helps develop the tools in a wonderful way.

 

pps. in my own marriage, there have been several times when i've hauled out the books and been brutal with myself on where we are and how to dig ourselves back out, and once we did councelling because after the books i realized i really needed someone who wasn't me to walk us thru some stuff. it helped a ton in that after four sessions, i had a very large penny drop, and then was able to make the changes in my behavior that altered the dynamic enough for others to change their behaviors.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Dmmetler]

We didn't do marriage counseling, but did do a facilitated group (which, for several months, was just DH, the facilitator and I) for parents who had lost infants for about a year after our son died-and I'm convinced that if we hadn't had someone, on a regular basis, encouraging us to actually talk about the loss and how we were responding to it, the marriage probably wouldn't have lasted that year. I also think we've been better able to cope with further crisis and stresses BECAUSE we set up patterns of communication then.

 

(I voted "Squirrel" since Marriage counseling might be totally different).

[Lovedtodeath]

I voted it was highly beneficial. We did Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue (the book) so that probably doesn't really count as marriage counseling.

 

edited to add: One thing that Relationship Rescue did was to stop us from blaming each other and work on what each of us were doing to contribute to disfunction. It also finally got through to DH why I felt like he didn't love me.

 

Our marriage dynamic has totally changed and we are more in love now than ever.

Edited January 5, 2012 by Lovedtodeath

[In the Rain]

Oh darn! I voted before seeing the squirrel option. :lol: I guess I need to read ALL of the answers before choosing.

[*Lulu*]

We've done counseling 2x. The first was pre-marital, and was required by our minister. It was extremely benificial; 12 years later we still use the things we learned.

 

The second time was when I was working through the issues of the sexu@l abuse in my childhood. He was angry, but the people he was angry at we're long gone and we didn't know how to talk to each other about it. We only went to two sessions, plus each of us had a private session with the counselor. He helped us un-taboo the topic and got us talking again. I believe that the personal counseling I received, as well as the marital counseling, saved our marriage.

 

I was blessed that my sexu@l assault counselor was so good, and that she knew a resource that would be able to deal specifically with the sort of issue we were struggling with. I do not know if we had walked into a random marriage counselor if we would have received what we needed.

[Julie in CA]

I answered "squirrel", because I didn't see the option that applied. We needed counseling, considered going, but did not. Over time (more than 20 years), things have improved to the point that it's essentially a completely different marriage, and one that I'm ever so blessed and thankful to be in. :001_wub:

[Daisy]

We've never considered it, but we most certainly WOULD consider it before ever walking away from our marriage.

 

Not sure how to answer. I picked "Never considered," because we've not needed to. Hopefully we never will.

[Jennifer3141]

We went once for about three months 8-9 years ago. It was exactly what we needed with the perfect therapist for both of us. He was a hard-nosed, somewhat arrogant guy who had no trouble getting right into the middle of us and bashing both our heads in.

 

DH and I were both wrong. So that made it easier.

 

But when the therapist said, "You two had better work this out because no one else would ever want either of you!" we figured he was right. And years later, when we get stuck in a war - we both still find ourselves saying things that therapist said to us to get us both to refocus.

 

DH and I both have strong personalities. And we are both arrogant. On 98% of life, we are in total agreeement but wow, when you hit that 2% and one of us takes a comment wrong, look out! That therapist gave us the tools to diffuse each other and start over again.

 

And years later, we can look back at the time period that made us run to a therapist and laugh because I truly don't remember what had us so stuck and DH refuses to bring it back up. :lol:

(And a teenty tiny part of me still thinks that DH is refusing because I was winning!)

[BamaTanya]

We went once for about three months 8-9 years ago. It was exactly what we needed with the perfect therapist for both of us. He was a hard-nosed, somewhat arrogant guy who had no trouble getting right into the middle of us and bashing both our heads in.

 

DH and I were both wrong. So that made it easier.

 

But when the therapist said, "You two had better work this out because no one else would ever want either of you!" we figured he was right. And years later, when we get stuck in a war - we both still find ourselves saying things that therapist said to us to get us both to refocus.

 

DH and I both have strong personalities. And we are both arrogant. On 98% of life, we are in total agreeement but wow, when you hit that 2% and one of us takes a comment wrong, look out! That therapist gave us the tools to diffuse each other and start over again.

 

And years later, we can look back at the time period that made us run to a therapist and laugh because I truly don't remember what had us so stuck and DH refuses to bring it back up. :lol:

(And a teenty tiny part of me still thinks that DH is refusing because I was winning!)

 

Boy! You two sound so much like us! On most things we are totally entwined, but there are a couple areas where we will NEVER be on the same page. The counselor helped us to see how we both were adding fuel to the fire. How to help each other in our challenges. And we made the decision to accept some things we couldn't change. We give each other more room now, I think.

 

We are so so stubborn. One of the (BIG) things we have in common is our total commitment to each other and to our children. It's not easy yet. Counseling wasn't a magic pill that fixed us. It did, however, help us to see better and to hang on for dear life through the rough patches and to really relish the blessings and joy we share.

[Dandelion]

Have never felt the need to consider it (we've been married 11 years). I would consider it if there was something we couldn't work through on our own.

[Jennifer3141]

Boy! You two sound so much like us! On most things we are totally entwined, but there are a couple areas where we will NEVER be on the same page. The counselor helped us to see how we both were adding fuel to the fire. How to help each other in our challenges. And we made the decision to accept some things we couldn't change. We give each other more room now, I think.

 

We are so so stubborn. One of the (BIG) things we have in common is our total commitment to each other and to our children. It's not easy yet. Counseling wasn't a magic pill that fixed us. It did, however, help us to see better and to hang on for dear life through the rough patches and to really relish the blessings and joy we share.

 

 

Someday we need to go out to dinner and see if we can goad the others into one of those 2% subjects to provide entertainment. :D

[BamaTanya]

Someday we need to go out to dinner and see if we can goad the others into one of those 2% subjects to provide entertainment. :D

 

Wouldn't that be a hoot! :lol::lol::lol:

 

Some people seem to enjoy smooth sailing. We have fireworks. :biggrinjester: You'll have to give us a ring if you're ever headed to the coast.

[Heidi]

Never had marriage counseling, but would love to! I think it would be beneficial to our marriage.

[QuirkyKapers]

We had marriage counseling about 15 years ago for about 3 months. I continued with the therapist for a couple years later and was very benefical for me. I voted that it was mildly beneficial for both of us. The one thing that was enlightening was when the therapist did a marriage inventory with us. We had trouble communicating and seemed to get stuck in the same argument. Surprisingly, after the inventory we found out we were 100% on issues. We just were communicating ourselves in very different ways. We also learned that if we don't agree on something and can't work it out, we need to table the discussion and talk about it at another time.

[sbgrace]

For me it was helpful. For my husband and our marriage in general unhelpful. Actually, there was harm I guess but not particularly the therapist's fault.

 

I'm not voting though because I think certain types of therapy (Gottman or Imago for example) would likely be very helpful. Our therapist was a very bad match for my husband and had poor advice for our specific issues.

Edited January 5, 2012 by sbgrace

[Scarlett]

For me it was helpful. For my husband and our marriage in general unhelpful. Actually, there was harm I guess but not particularly the therapist's fault.

 

I'm not voting though because I think certain types of therapy (Gottman or Imago for example) would likely be very helpful. Our therapist was a very bad match for my husband and had poor advice for our specific issues.

 

Happens more than you would think.

 

Marriage counseling, even with the best counselor (and I think there are good and bad ones) will only be effective if BOTH mates are on board with trying to save/help the marriage.

[Joanne]

It would not have helped my first marriage. The biggest challenge to that marriage is not treatable. The rest of the issues in that marriage were symptoms of the big thing.

 

This marriage? We attended pre-marital counseling. It was useful. We would probably benefit now, but, given our unique situation and his limited ability at the moment, ME getting counseling (or some kind of support) would be of more benefit.

 

That said, I am a believer in counseling.