s/o Have you been judged by your clothing/appearance?

[BMW]

Well, Nakia, I hope you are in for a funny story!!!

 

Years ago, I went out shopping with a small amount to spend and hit a couple of thrift stores. I actually made out with some clearanced dresses that I'd had my eye on at our local Gottschalks! I got home, looked at my bargains and a brilliant (truly brilliant, I tell ya!) idea hit... I could dress up in each dress and take on a persona and introduce myself to my dh in the dress...

 

I had a neat, fitted black and white checked dress with black sweater shawl and thought it looked like "fall" and I could put it on and go to dh and say, "Hello! I am fall time Barbie!"... I had a floral, flowy, flowery dress that looked like I was headed to church and I could put it on for dh and say, "Hi! I'm church-time Barbie!" and I had this totally fun brightly flowered (large flowers!) dress that had a princess waist, barely met my knees and very small straps over the shoulder (that means, my lovely books looked amazing!), and I could put that one on and say, "Hey there, I'm summer time Barbie!"

 

So, I had this all planned out... my amazing fashion show for my blessed dh...

 

I put the summer time dress on... (Oh, I forgot, I bought these cute hair clips that matched the dress perfectly... I never do that sort of thing...).

 

I asked my oldest dd (Shasta... who is daisymommy here at twtm) to start dinner for me and stepped into the entry way (this was Alaska... you just about have to have an entry way!) and my sandal heel caught on the heater register and I fell! My dd gasped because she heard the crack of the bone in my right foot... my 4th metatarsal (I think that's what it's called)... My dd was so concerned about if I was okay... I told her that I thought I'd just broken my foot, but to wait a minute...

 

I then hobbled our the door and onto our porch and struck a very cute pose, if I do say so myself, and called out to dh (he was working on the engine of our van) and he looked up and I stated, "Hi! I'm summer time Barbie!" He got a big grin on his face, them turned back to the car and I called out, "Hey, I'm summer time Barbie and I have just broken my foot, now get over here and help me!"

 

Soooo, he helped me ice it, took me in to the ER and left me there and headed home to watch the kids (Shasta had kept cooking and watched the younger siblings)... and my best friend was going to meet me and take me home.

 

Now, for the part that relates to Nakia's story. There I was... it's summer time, I'm in this ADORABLE dress with hair clips to match (really, I looked like I was auditioning for a part in Stepford Wives!) and the Dr. came in and says, "Well now! What have we done?" Honestly, you have to use a bit of sarcasm and a bit of condescending, as if I am a brainless bimbo...

 

SO... I did what any other self respecting gal would do and I played the part! I put my index finger up to my cheek, just like Shirley Temple and I said, "I think I've broken my foot!"

 

And he asks, "Well, what do you want us to do about it?"

 

(By now I could care less about the dress and matching hair clips and I know he thinks I am some stupid broad...) (NO Offense, ladies, really... I LOVED that dress!)

 

So, I kept up my part and said, "Well, I though we could take a picture of it (pointing dramatically to broken foot) and see if it is broken!"

 

The Dr. left and as he was coming back in a little while I was on the phone telling my best friend what had happened and I described the scenario to her saying, "Oh, my goodness! You wont believe this! I'm here in this dress, all dolled up and the Dr. thinks I am some stupid gal who has no brain! He keep talking to me like I am incredibly unintelligent! C'mon, just take care of my foot already so I can go home!" And the Dr. just happened to be right outside my door and heard every word....

 

He came in meekly and spoke to me respectfully the entire rest of the visit...

 

I had to have a temporary cast for the swelling to go down and then get the "boot"... but, the boot was black and looked great with my "fall time Barbie" dress...

 

Yeah, people judge by appearances... and sometimes it's kinda funny...

[Heather in Neverland]

For those of you who think professionals have a "uniform"...I am a lawyer with a nose ring!

 

Where I live now I am judged on my appearance all the time, but in a different way. As a foreigner it is assumed I am rich, don't know the local language, am willing to overpay for just about everything, and won't complain!

 

You should see the looks I get when I talk in the local language, refuse to pay the foreginer price and scold them for trying to cheat me! Don't judge a book by its cover, folks!

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Yep. We call it "the skin tax" here.

[kolamum]

:lol: Audrey!!

 

 

Yes, and by family no less!! As in, this family member CONSTANTLY offered us money ONCE a WEEK! Finally dh lost it and demanded to know why on earth they kept offering it, response? "You always wear the same things. Some of your jeans and shirts have holes in them. You never dress nicely, I presume you don't have enough money."

 

Needless to say this person holds a lot of stock in clothing. :glare: Me? Not so much. Respectable, but not fancy pants.

[MariannNOVA]

Happens all the time here to me. Not right, but it happens.

[The Girls' Mom]

It happened to us all.of.the.time. when we were younger. Dh and I were both very young (16 and 18) when we got married. He was a deisel mechanic with long hair and an earring. He was often very grubby looking. We had an old beat up truck. It was assumed that we were poor white trash nearly every where we went. We got stalked in stores by security. Talked down to by "well-meaning adults", etc.

 

Then I stayed young looking...and started having babies (at 20) Then I got judged as a teen mom, often assumed single and knocked up :001_huh: The rude comments abounded.

[Heather in Neverland]

I have spent most of my life trying to convince people that being blonde and curvy doesn't automatically mean I have no brains. No one takes one look at me and thinks "she looks like she graduated at the top of her class"... I did.... Or "she looks like she has two master's degrees" ... I do. Nope. They usually think I am some ditzy chick who slept her way to the top.

 

That's at least one benefit of growing older. The wrinkles make me look less stupid I suppose. :D

 

 

 

 

 

.

[Cera]

Absolutely. Both our daughters had issues with dislocated elbows as toddlers (6-8 times each). It was always funny to see the expressions change in the ER when I spoke to the staff and they realized that the grubby, young looking mom with the dirty children was actually a college educated, mid 20's woman with an officer husband who wouldn't be pushed around. (they always seemed to get hurt at the end of a long day of playing outside somewhere, just when I was thinking it was time to head home and get us all in the shower)

 

I have to admit that I have done the same though, generally with teenage boys. I try not to but I a do sometimes find myself more wary of the ones that are dressed like punks, especially when I am with my daughters (and I was one of those teen punks once). Often though they are the kindest and most helpful.

[Catwoman]

They usually think I am some ditzy chick who slept her way to the top.

 

So basically you missed out on all the fun and still have to take the blame... life is so unfair! ;) :D

[Catwoman]

There I was... it's summer time, I'm in this ADORABLE dress with hair clips to match (really, I looked like I was auditioning for a part in Stepford Wives!) and the Dr. came in and says, "Well now! What have we done?" Honestly, you have to use a bit of sarcasm and a bit of condescending, as if I am a brainless bimbo...

 

SO... I did what any other self respecting gal would do and I played the part! I put my index finger up to my cheek, just like Shirley Temple and I said, "I think I've broken my foot!"

 

And he asks, "Well, what do you want us to do about it?"

 

(By now I could care less about the dress and matching hair clips and I know he thinks I am some stupid broad...) (NO Offense, ladies, really... I LOVED that dress!)

 

So, I kept up my part and said, "Well, I though we could take a picture of it (pointing dramatically to broken foot) and see if it is broken!"

 

The Dr. left and as he was coming back in a little while I was on the phone telling my best friend what had happened and I described the scenario to her saying, "Oh, my goodness! You wont believe this! I'm here in this dress, all dolled up and the Dr. thinks I am some stupid gal who has no brain! He keep talking to me like I am incredibly unintelligent! C'mon, just take care of my foot already so I can go home!" And the Dr. just happened to be right outside my door and heard every word....

 

He came in meekly and spoke to me respectfully the entire rest of the visit...

 

I had to have a temporary cast for the swelling to go down and then get the "boot"... but, the boot was black and looked great with my "fall time Barbie" dress...

 

Yeah, people judge by appearances... and sometimes it's kinda funny...

 

:D :D :D :D

 

What a great story!!!

[*********]

Nakia, I think we've all been there. Which doesn't make it feel any better.

 

I have DEFINITELY seen the difference in how people treat me based on what I'm wearing. For example, if I'm wearing a long skirt, conservative shirt, headcovering over styled hair, and (natural looking) makeup, I'm treated MUCH differently than when I go out in sweats, sloppy pony tail, and no makeup. I find (men especially) are much more polite and chivalrous (holding doors, etc) when in the convservative outfit/hair makeup done, than when I'm in the sweats/ponytail.

[southcarolinamom]

My 16 yo dd was "judged" just night at prayer meeting, among her high school peers. She was wearing jeans and a cute new T-shirt from Target that said "I (heart shape) being me." I was proud of her for wearing it. She's had struggles with her self-image for 2 years, has been diagnosed with clinical depression, is on Prozac, etc., etc.

 

Anyway, one of the girls at youth group came up to her and stared at her T-shirt, and said "Don't you think wearing that T-shirt is awfully self-centered of you?" and walked away. My dd was more hurt by the fact that none of her friends, who heard what the girl said, stood up and defended her.

 

My dd was cut to the core. She started crying on the way home, saying things like "Why can't people just accept me for who I am?", etc.

 

It was a learning moment, for sure. My dh and I hugged her a lot last night, told her the "we've all been there before" stories, and she seems better today.

[Tess in the Burbs]

Heck, people judge all the time and appearance is only part of it. My dd was running in the house, hit the corner of a wall and hurt her head. But no one saw the cut in her hair. She was given ice and put to bed that night. I went to a meeting. Came home and checked on her to find tons of blood in her hair. I took her to hospital b/c it clearly was a large open wound going deeper than I thought should be ok. They decided to staple it shut. :001_huh:

 

dh was home with our son so I called a friend. She came to be my support. The male nurse assumed we were 'together'. I mentioned my husband in the story b/c I said I had put her to bed hours early and my husband was with her. But he clearly thought my friend and I were together. :lol:

[fairfarmhand]

I was chatting with a guy at the post office. Told him that I had children....4 of them. He goes "Well, you HAVE been busy."

 

Only later did I figure out that he meant that I was awful young to have so many kids. Except I am not all that young. I just look about 10 yrs younger than I really am.

[cin]

Reading this today is very interesting. I was doing some research last night to gather data for an appeal to our insurance for Weight Loss Surgery (please, let's not go down that path today!).

 

My exact google search was health issues after gastric bypass. I was surprised that depression is an issues that pops up. Apparently, after they loose weight, people treat them differently, usually better. Sometimes they even lose friends that they thought were 'BFF' type of friends. Because of their appearance. They are the same person on the inside. But people are not looking on the inside.

[Mrs Mungo]

Reading this today is very interesting. I was doing some research last night to gather data for an appeal to our insurance for Weight Loss Surgery (please, let's not go down that path today!).

 

My exact google search was health issues after gastric bypass. I was surprised that depression is an issues that pops up. Apparently, after they loose weight, people treat them differently, usually better. Sometimes they even lose friends that they thought were 'BFF' type of friends. Because of their appearance. They are the same person on the inside. But people are not looking on the inside.

 

I have a good friend who lost 85 pounds (not with gastric bypass). The problem she encountered was that she expected to be treated differently (especially by her spouse) once she lost the weight and was sort of surprised when people treated her the same. She felt more special, more deserving once she lost the weight. She wasn't used to getting attention from men she didn't know and was upset that her husband wasn't giving her that same sort of attention. But, husbands typically don't give women the same sort of attention that a man newly pursuing a woman gives. It caused a lot of problems in her marriage for a while, but they seem to have worked it out now.

[Tarreymere]

All the time. I can tell by walking into a group of women (like outside a kid's dance class or in a group of parents at soccer) whether or not they will talk to me. If I am dressed similarly to the majority of the group I will be acknowledged and if I say something it will be replied to. If I am NOT dressed like the rest of the group they will ignore me. It doesn't matter how the group is dressed, the effect is the same coming from Moms who have visible tattoos and Moms who look like Land's End models. I've encountered it with age as well as dress, since I have young kids I am sometimes around Moms who are young enough to be my daughters and they also are less likely to acknowledge or respond to any overtures.

 

I think people are more comfortable with other people who look and dress like they do. Maybe that is the root of the whole 'modesty/hotness/pretty thing.

[Tammyla]

:iagree:

 

All the time. I can tell by walking into a group of women (like outside a kid's dance class or in a group of parents at soccer) whether or not they will talk to me. If I am dressed similarly to the majority of the group I will be acknowledged and if I say something it will be replied to. If I am NOT dressed like the rest of the group they will ignore me. It doesn't matter how the group is dressed, the effect is the same coming from Moms who have visible tattoos and Moms who look like Land's End models. I've encountered it with age as well as dress, since I have young kids I am sometimes around Moms who are young enough to be my daughters and they also are less likely to acknowledge or respond to any overtures.

 

I think people are more comfortable with other people who look and dress like they do. Maybe that is the root of the whole 'modesty/hotness/pretty thing.

[Dustybug]

And that poor = stupid + abusive.

 

And "low-class" and "poor" aren't equivalent in my book either.

 

He showed up a few years later and lectured on how Christians should only have one child, and even that child is practically a nuisance. Yeah, lovely person.

 

:001_huh:

 

When I was young, we were dirt poor. I was always clean and dressed, but our clothing was usually very old hand me downs, too small, too big, etc. I barely had any friends growing up until I got to late high school.

 

Now, I feel like I get judged a lot too. I'm not into name brands, we don't really go with fashion trends. I dress conservatively in generally plain t-shirts, sweaters, blouses and jeans or skirts(most of the time). I don't have 50 pairs of shoes, I wear little to no makeup. I don't spend $50 getting my hair cut/dyed/styled, etc. I always hair my hair fixed and am dressed neatly when I go out barring an emergency, but there's generally an air of discomfort around other moms (like at DD's ballet class, etc) because I can just feel them sizing me up in my tennis shoes and plain attire. I think they think I'm too uptight or whatever...who knows. It saddens me because it hinders a lot of potentially good friendships, I think. :glare:

 

My DH works in a factory. He climbs in, out and around heavy machinery all day and is typically sweaty, a little smelly, and covered in machine oil when he gets off work. He gets treated vastly differently if he has to go out for some errand after work than when we go somewhere after church or some other time when he is dressed "up."

[Garga]

Dh and I talk about this a lot. He says that people shouldn't be judged on their looks. I agree with him, they shouldn't. BUT...they are.

 

My mother was bad at fashion and we didn't have a lot of money growing up. I didn't know anything about fashion either. We'd go to Goodwill for my school clothes. I was allowed 4 outfits. Whatever I wore on Monday, I'd wear again on Friday. If it got cold, I could put a sweater over the outfit. One pair of shoes.

 

Needless to say, I looked horrible in school. The clothes that I and my mom picked out were clothes that someone in their 40s should have worn--not a teenager. Really. There was some horrible polyester shirts with little old lady prints on them. The sweaters were "holiday" sweaters with reindeer and stuff on them. Nothing that a teenager should be caught dead in! :)

 

My hair was also a mess. My mom wouldn't take me for haircuts, so it grew long. But my hair is very fine. Turns out that my type of hair is especially bad to be long. It gets snarls and is stringy.

 

I was ostracized for most of my time in school, and mostly it was because I looked so BAD that I was labeled "nerd" and no one wanted to risk having anything to do with me.

 

OBVIOUSLY this has had impact on me!!!! There are about 4 days a year when I stay in my pj's all day, but on every other day, I get fully dressed, wear makeup and do my hair. (my short hair!) Every day. I KNOW how important looks are in regards to how you're treated. And 8 years of being ostracized by your peers (because it got really bad from 4th grade on), will mess you up later in life! :lol: It hurt too much being treated badly because of my clothes. I will wear clothes that look good on me to avoid it, and I will wear make up and I will have nice hair.

 

 

I'd love to live in a world where looks don't matter...but they oh-so do!

[Bang!Zoom!]

I used to have a job where I'd have to keep multiple sets of clothes depending on what I was doing that day for work and where I was going.

 

One set of clothes was jeans and a hoodie with sunglasses for the rough parts of Detroit, and then when I'd go into Bloomfield Hills it was a suit and pumps.

 

I'd usually stop at a gas station to change.

 

The funny thing was, the rougher the neighborhood, the better the pay. No one wanted those jobs because of the crime rate...lol..the fancier places paid less.

 

Weird, huh?

[Lovedtodeath]

Sure, IMHO, we are all judged by our appearance in nearly every public interaction we have.

 

Some days I dress down. Other days I dress up. I don't really care if the people in the store think I'm rich or poor. On the occasions when I want to make sure folks think I am well off (meeting the bankers for work usually), I make sure to wear my diamond earrings and my good shoes. I KNOW it makes a difference, so I make use of it.

 

I teach my kids that your appearance in your "uniform". We recognize doctors by the white coat (or scrubs) and stethescope. We recognize police . . . etc. I teach them that every time they dress, they are choosing how to present themselves to the world.

 

IMHO, it is simply silly to argue, "But I want to wear triple noserings and tatoo my face with skulls, but it's not fair that people judge me as someone who is creepy. I just like the way this looks!"

 

Fine, like the way it looks, but don't be silly about your expectations on how folks will respond.

 

We recognize professionals by their attire, the same way we can usually tell the difference between the cleaning crew/tradesmen/architects/sales folks on a construction site.

I really appreciate the honesty and suggestions in this post.

[PeacefulChaos]

It happened to us all.of.the.time. when we were younger. Dh and I were both very young (16 and 18) when we got married. He was a deisel mechanic with long hair and an earring. He was often very grubby looking. We had an old beat up truck. It was assumed that we were poor white trash nearly every where we went. We got stalked in stores by security. Talked down to by "well-meaning adults", etc.

 

Then I stayed young looking...and started having babies (at 20) Then I got judged as a teen mom, often assumed single and knocked up :001_huh: The rude comments abounded.

DH and I married younger than many, at 21 and 18, respectively. When I was pg with DS6, I was 22 and DS7 was 1. I was maybe 6 months along - it was warm outside, and was obviously pregnant, so I'm guessing it was summer/fall, and I had this 18 month old baby, and a woman stopped me in the walmart parking lot and handed me this tract about how God loves everyone no matter what they've done. Then she says to me 'I know things are really hard for you right now, honey, but God accepts everyone just the way they are, no matter what!' I was just like :001_huh: and said, uh, ok... then I looked at her like she was nuts and walked off with my cart...

SIL was pg with her 2nd DS (he'll be 1 this month) and was in american eagle with her sister - her sister went in to try on some clothes and she was flipping through the guys clearance rack to see if there was anything her DH (my BIL) would like. She then overheard two young women saying 'oh my gosh. Is she pregnant? I would never go out in public like that. No, she's not married, she doesn't have a ring. How embarrassing. I can't believe she would dare show her face in public.' :svengo: She told her sister about it when they left the store. Luckily her sister didn't overhear, because knowing her sister things could have gotten really ugly...

Absolutely. Both our daughters had issues with dislocated elbows as toddlers (6-8 times each). It was always funny to see the expressions change in the ER when I spoke to the staff and they realized that the grubby, young looking mom with the dirty children was actually a college educated, mid 20's woman with an officer husband who wouldn't be pushed around. (they always seemed to get hurt at the end of a long day of playing outside somewhere, just when I was thinking it was time to head home and get us all in the shower)

 

I have to admit that I have done the same though, generally with teenage boys. I try not to but I a do sometimes find myself more wary of the ones that are dressed like punks, especially when I am with my daughters (and I was one of those teen punks once). Often though they are the kindest and most helpful.

What's funny is, I don't think I've ever seen a teenage boy that I didn't think was just adorable! (In a total MOM way. I noticed it started when I had boys.) :lol:

 

And "low-class" and "poor" aren't equivalent in my book either.

When I was young, we were dirt poor. I was always clean and dressed, but our clothing was usually very old hand me downs, too small, too big, etc. I barely had any friends growing up until I got to late high school.

 

Now, I feel like I get judged a lot too. I'm not into name brands, we don't really go with fashion trends. I dress conservatively in generally plain t-shirts, sweaters, blouses and jeans or skirts(most of the time). I don't have 50 pairs of shoes, I wear little to no makeup. I don't spend $50 getting my hair cut/dyed/styled, etc. I always hair my hair fixed and am dressed neatly when I go out barring an emergency, but there's generally an air of discomfort around other moms (like at DD's ballet class, etc) because I can just feel them sizing me up in my tennis shoes and plain attire. I think they think I'm too uptight or whatever...who knows. It saddens me because it hinders a lot of potentially good friendships, I think. :glare:

 

My DH works in a factory. He climbs in, out and around heavy machinery all day and is typically sweaty, a little smelly, and covered in machine oil when he gets off work. He gets treated vastly differently if he has to go out for some errand after work than when we go somewhere after church or some other time when he is dressed "up."

 

I'm sure we've been judged several times by appearance, and I do notice it occasionally. DH used to work construction and was always filthy lol. :) When the construction business tanked, he got a job working maintenance at a nursing home, so he has a uniform. I still notice that people seem to look down on a uniform like that.

Funny how people assume any idiot can build a house, etc. :rolleyes:

I'm thankful that so far we've only been to the ER with DS6 once, and we know several people in there, which helped. (The boys were wrestling instead of getting their teeth brushed and DS7 slammed DS6's head into the corner of the wall. Accidentally. And we don't have drywall, we have plaster with not the normal stuff - wood, drywall, etc, idk DH knows his stuff but I don't lol - and it was on the side of his head so we wanted to get it checked out.) Even before they heard the story, no one asked us anything out of the ordinary, and especially with the story they all just chuckled. DS was in his pjs, I was in jeans and whatever I was wearing to church that evening - I don't dress up for Wed nights, so just a shirt of some sort, probably.

 

I was just thinking that its interesting, all of the people meeting on here, and chatting - would it happen in person, kwim? Everyone is so different, and it's just kinda cool, especially when you think that obviously we wouldn't all meet each other in the first place. It's just interesting. :)

[Shellers]

.... However, I just don't give a flying sh*t. Anyone who judges me by my looks is exactly the kind of person I spend my life trying to avoid, so it works out well for all of us.

 

I agree with this! I get judged all the time but I really don't care!

 

Maybe I could dress better if I didn't have to pay $1,200 a month for health insurance?

[Audrey]

I agree with this! I get judged all the time but I really don't care!

 

Maybe I could dress better if I didn't have to pay $1,200 a month for health insurance?

 

 

:eek: $1,200 a month???

 

Oh, the shoes I could buy with that! The shoes!! The shoes!!! :drool5:

[mo2]

It could have been a coincidence. Maybe the first doc had some baggage. It could have been a lot of things. Was it our appearance? Who knows? I tend to think it had something to do with it. I'm not really asking your opinions, lol, but I'm wondering who else has had this type of thing happen to them.

 

 

Not a coincidence. The same type of thing has happened to us.

[Parrothead]

Apparently on Monday I was judged as poor. I was dressed down in yoga pants with no makeup and ready for zumba class when I had to speak to dd's dance instructor. Let's just say I left the dance studio with a bad taste in my mouth an a hankering to write to the studio director. :glare:

[Parrothead]

I agree with this! I get judged all the time but I really don't care!

 

Maybe I could dress better if I didn't have to pay $1,200 a month for health insurance?

Probably a stupid question, but have you checked into health savings accounts?

[farouk]

For those of you who think professionals have a "uniform"...I am a lawyer with a nose ring!

 

Where I live now I am judged on my appearance all the time, but in a different way. As a foreigner it is assumed I am rich, don't know the local language, am willing to overpay for just about everything, and won't complain!

 

You should see the looks I get when I talk in the local language, refuse to pay the foreginer price and scold them for trying to cheat me! Don't judge a book by its cover, folks!

 

Cammie:

 

Actually it's less unusual than some people may think.

[Catwoman]

My 16 yo dd was "judged" just night at prayer meeting, among her high school peers. She was wearing jeans and a cute new T-shirt from Target that said "I (heart shape) being me." I was proud of her for wearing it. She's had struggles with her self-image for 2 years, has been diagnosed with clinical depression, is on Prozac, etc., etc.

 

Anyway, one of the girls at youth group came up to her and stared at her T-shirt, and said "Don't you think wearing that T-shirt is awfully self-centered of you?" and walked away. My dd was more hurt by the fact that none of her friends, who heard what the girl said, stood up and defended her.

 

My dd was cut to the core. She started crying on the way home, saying things like "Why can't people just accept me for who I am?", etc.

 

It was a learning moment, for sure. My dh and I hugged her a lot last night, told her the "we've all been there before" stories, and she seems better today.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

That was so mean! I hate it when things like that happen to good kids.

[Catwoman]

Now, I feel like I get judged a lot too. I'm not into name brands, we don't really go with fashion trends. I dress conservatively in generally plain t-shirts, sweaters, blouses and jeans or skirts(most of the time). I don't have 50 pairs of shoes, I wear little to no makeup. I don't spend $50 getting my hair cut/dyed/styled, etc. I always hair my hair fixed and am dressed neatly when I go out barring an emergency, but there's generally an air of discomfort around other moms (like at DD's ballet class, etc) because I can just feel them sizing me up in my tennis shoes and plain attire. I think they think I'm too uptight or whatever...who knows. It saddens me because it hinders a lot of potentially good friendships, I think. :glare:

 

It's not you.

 

If you dressed the same way all of the other moms did, some of them would still find a reason to judge you. You wouldn't be wearing the right jewelry or driving the right car or living in the right neighborhood. Or you'd be wearing too much flashy jewelry, be showing off in your fancy car, or live in a house that's too big and too showy. Or you'd be too fat. Or too thin. Or any number of other things that have absolutely, positively nothing to do with whether or not you're a nice person and would be a nice friend.

 

I think some people just lie in wait for anyone who is a little different from themselves, and then they pounce on anything they can possibly find to criticize the person. It's the way they try make themselves feel superior to others.

 

It's so irritating.

[Wildiris]

Judged by the way one dresses and the car one drives, yes!

 

New hip glasses meant faster service everywhere I go. A new car granted me status at the ballet studio, but curiously, my new clean car was a target for dents. My new dirty car no one wants to touch.

 

I once wore an old jean jacket, a hippie hand-me-down that had a huge green Anarchy Now symbol on the back done in sharpie pen. I was one in a long line of wearers that amended the jacket. Someone added Guatemalan fabric cuffs with coconut shell buttons, another added a peace sign that was replaced by the anarchy sign, and practical me added a plaid flannel lining. (One of my sons later trade the jacket to someone at high school).

 

One day when wearing this jacket I walked into the local post office with four kids aging from a newborn to a feral looking twelve-year-old boy. We weren't clean. We were muddy and damp. We didn't go to town much in those days, so we all looked a bit rough and wide-eyed entering the post. Clearly our appearance exhausted the last bit of patience in the guy next to us in line. When he saw the back of my jacket, he began complaining loudly, almost yelling at us, about free loaders, ungrateful vagrants, and dirty children that should be in school. It was one of those moments: Take the bait and take a stand or ignore the guy. I ignored the guy and the kids learned about how we are all judged by our appearances.

[farouk]

Judged by the way one dresses and the car one drives, yes!

 

New hip glasses meant faster service everywhere I go. A new car granted me status at the ballet studio, but curiously, my new clean car was a target for dents. My new dirty car no one wants to touch.

 

I once wore an old jean jacket, a hippie hand-me-down that had a huge green Anarchy Now symbol on the back done in sharpie pen. I was one in a long line of wearers that amended the jacket. Someone added Guatemalan fabric cuffs with coconut shell buttons, another added a peace sign that was replaced by the anarchy sign, and practical me added a plaid flannel lining. (One of my sons later trade the jacket to someone at high school).

 

One day when wearing this jacket I walked into the local post office with four kids aging from a newborn to a feral looking twelve-year-old boy. We weren't clean. We were muddy and damp. We didn't go to town much in those days, so we all looked a bit rough and wide-eyed entering the post. Clearly our appearance exhausted the last bit of patience in the guy next to us in line. When he saw the back of my jacket, he began complaining loudly, almost yelling at us, about free loaders, ungrateful vagrants, and dirty children that should be in school. It was one of those moments: Take the bait and take a stand or ignore the guy. I ignored the guy and the kids learned about how we are all judged by our appearances.

 

Wildiris:

 

The opposite applies also:

 

A smooth-talking politician in a conservative suit may actually be a wild radical.

[Momma2Many66]

It happened to my husband and I when we were "farmhouse hunting" some 15 years ago.

 

We found a very nice farmette on 4 acres that we went to look at with our real estate agent.. The older couple (late 50's) that owned the home did not leave while we were shown the house as usually happened when we did home tours. Instead the husband sat in the living room and made very loud and very rude remarks about how we were wasting their time because we were way to young to afford this farmette and probably had no money to our name. We continued the tour at our real estate agents urging, but I felt very uncomfortable the entire time.

 

My husband and I were 30 years old at the tiime, so we were young, but not that young. We were dressed in nice jeans and shirts, but not dressed up or dressed to impress. We were planning to look at farms, so we figured the type of places we were looking at would not require "dressng up" especially since we were planning to walk property lines and look through barns and out buildings. We also had our two oldest children tagging along at the time and we were all very courteous and polite to the owners as we walked through the home on the tour from our agent.

 

The older man kept up his loud rude remarks to his wife and kept insisting how we had no money and could never afford his home. He went on a rant about how the real estate agents kept bringing "un-qualified people" to view his home over and over again. Our real estate agent was also embarrassed by this man's rudeness and interrupted him politely to let him know we just sold our ranch home for a very tidy sum and with our savings we had cash to pay for " his farmette".

 

All of a sudden the man practically fell over himself to be kind to us. He followed us around and told us nice stories about the house, barns and the property and kept saying how friendly and nice our children were. He said we could visit anytime while making up our minds about his property and he and his wife even invited us for dinner some evening.

 

But the damage was done for me even though we did like his property. When it came down to the final decision between his farmette and another one that we were deciding on, we chose the other property, it offered 5 more acres of land although needed much more re-hab work, but the owners were very gracious from the start.

[Jenny in Atl]

Yes, I am regularly judged by my appearance. People often think I am a very staid, conservative, quiet, untroublesome person.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:lol: Suckers!

 

Me too... :D

[farouk]

It happened to my husband and I when we were "farmhouse hunting" some 15 years ago.

 

We found a very nice farmette on 4 acres that we went to look at with our real estate agent.. The older couple (late 50's) that owned the home did not leave while we were shown the house as usually happened when we did home tours. Instead the husband sat in the living room and made very loud and very rude remarks about how we were wasting their time because we were way to young to afford this farmette and probably had no money to our name. We continued the tour at our real estate agents urging, but I felt very uncomfortable the entire time.

 

My husband and I were 30 years old at the tiime, so we were young, but not that young. We were dressed in nice jeans and shirts, but not dressed up or dressed to impress. We were planning to look at farms, so we figured the type of places we were looking at would not require "dressng up" especially since we were planning to walk property lines and look through barns and out buildings. We also had our two oldest children tagging along at the time and we were all very courteous and polite to the owners as we walked through the home on the tour from our agent.

 

The older man kept up his loud rude remarks to his wife and kept insisting how we had no money and could never afford his home. He went on a rant about how the real estate agents kept bringing "un-qualified people" to view his home over and over again. Our real estate agent was also embarrassed by this man's rudeness and interrupted him politely to let him know we just sold our ranch home for a very tidy sum and with our savings we had cash to pay for " his farmette".

 

All of a sudden the man practically fell over himself to be kind to us. He followed us around and told us nice stories about the house, barns and the property and kept saying how friendly and nice our children were. He said we could visit anytime while making up our minds about his property and he and his wife even invited us for dinner some evening.

 

But the damage was done for me even though we did like his property. When it came down to the final decision between his farmette and another one that we were deciding on, we chose the other property, it offered 5 more acres of land although needed much more re-hab work, but the owners were very gracious from the start.

 

Momma2Many66:

 

Interesting!

 

It can also work the other way.

 

A couple that looks smooth, man in a silk necktie and business suit, accompanied by a trophy wife in immaculate stilettos and a pristine, new spiky haircut...may not even be creditworthy.

[rieshy]

In the hospital- definitely judged by what you are wearing! I've learned when waiting for the ambulance to take the opportunity to change clothes-

1. I never know how many days I'll have to wear the same outfit, so it might as well be fresh.

2. I've learned that if I'm dressed well I'm listened to more readily in the E.R. With our son's rare condition being listened to is a matter of life and death.

 

My dh laughs at me but if our son is starting to show signs of a pending crisis I'll often clean the living room so if E.M.S. has to be called they won't see a mess.

[Liz CA]

I do believe there is some judgement, perhaps not always consciously so but it's the "first impression" thing. This is why some people recommend you go car shopping in your "old" clothes. :001_smile:

[farouk]

I do believe there is some judgement, perhaps not always consciously so but it's the "first impression" thing. This is why some people recommend you go car shopping in your "old" clothes. :001_smile:

 

Liz CA:

 

Yes, it works the other way, too.

 

As if the sales person will think, If I'm going to clinch a deal, maybe I need to offer a discount, more cashback, etc.! So take off the Gucci boots and put on running shoes, and don't even try to cover any tattoos, etc.

[Trish]

Clothing is simply shorthand. We use visual cues for all kiinds of things, why wouldn't people use clothing that way? Sure sometimes that can be misleading, but 90-95 percent of the time it tells you what you want to know.

[farouk]

Clothing is simply shorthand. We use visual cues for all kiinds of things, why wouldn't people use clothing that way? Sure sometimes that can be misleading, but 90-95 percent of the time it tells you what you want to know.

 

Trish:

 

... or even, a little more subtly, it tells people what you want to project about yourself.

[sewingmama]

We were honestly treated as if we had abused our daughter. We were asked again and again and again what happened.

 

It sounds normal to me.

 

When my DD was 2 she gave herself a serious concussion on Christmas Day. I had broken down the boxes all the gifts came in and put them near the door to take out to the garbage. Well they fell onto the floor and DD comes running along and slipped on the cardboard and hit her head on the windowsill.

 

We were all dressed up very nicely being Chrsitmas Day and we still got the third degree. The doctor asked straight out several times - so you sure she did this to herself or did you do it :001_huh:

 

DH actually asked the doctor if anyone just actually outright admitted they had done it and the doctor said YES - all the time - it threw people off guard by asking outright and they would say yes as an automatic answer.

 

Being asked the same question repeatedly is not really about not being believed -it's about discovering whether the person is changing their story - that is what they are looking for. When abuse is suspected - if doctor asks once- the abuser will deny it -and then when the doctor asks multiple times - the abuser takes it as a sign that the doctor doesn't believe them so they change their story to try and find one that the doctor "believes".

 

Interrogation makes guilty parties sweat and mix up their stories - thats what doctors are looking for. Police use the same method all the time to find the guilty - because it works.

[Nakia]

I'm really sad, although not surprised, to read everyone's experiences. The ones involving kids are especially difficult. How are we supposed to teach our kids that the way people look doesn't matter when it, so obviously, does? :(

 

It sounds normal to me.

 

When my DD was 2 she gave herself a serious concussion on Christmas Day. I had broken down the boxes all the gifts came in and put them near the door to take out to the garbage. Well they fell onto the floor and DD comes running along and slipped on the cardboard and hit her head on the windowsill.

 

We were all dressed up very nicely being Chrsitmas Day and we still got the third degree. The doctor asked straight out several times - so you sure she did this to herself or did you do it :001_huh:

 

DH actually asked the doctor if anyone just actually outright admitted they had done it and the doctor said YES - all the time - it threw people off guard by asking outright and they would say yes as an automatic answer.

 

Being asked the same question repeatedly is not really about not being believed -it's about discovering whether the person is changing their story - that is what they are looking for. When abuse is suspected - if doctor asks once- the abuser will deny it -and then when the doctor asks multiple times - the abuser takes it as a sign that the doctor doesn't believe them so they change their story to try and find one that the doctor "believes".

 

Interrogation makes guilty parties sweat and mix up their stories - thats what doctors are looking for. Police use the same method all the time to find the guilty - because it works.

 

As I said in my op, I absolutely understand this. I am a nurse, so I am a mandatory reporter, and I've accompanied doctors during this type of questioning. In fact, I've been trained in it because I work in women's and children's healthcare. I believe the first ER doc did cross the line when she neglected to treat my dd for the severe pain she was in because doc was too busy questioning us. She definitely crossed the line when she pretty much asked my husband if he could prove his alibi. That's the kind of questioning that makes you wonder if you need a lawyer. Way out of line, no matter how you look at it.

 

Also, head injuries are the number one injury seen in child abuse, followed by internal injuries, burns, and spiral extremity fractures. Broken clavicles don't even show up on the top ten.

[sewingmama]

A story I just remembered:

 

One time when I was in my early 20's I was driving with my mum and little sister (8) on the highway and got a flat tyre.

 

As we were standing there on the side of the busy road trying to change it (we were both able to do it so we didn't actually NEED help) a couple of expensive cars with well dressed men in them drove past and yelled rude things out the window.

 

A few minutes later a guy on a huge Harley motorbike with tattoos, beard, leather jacket, piercings etc. pulled over and helped us change our tyre.

 

True gentlemen don't always dress the part KWIM.

[Catwoman]

True gentlemen don't always dress the part KWIM.

 

:iagree:

[farouk]

A story I just remembered:

 

One time when I was in my early 20's I was driving with my mum and little sister (8) on the highway and got a flat tyre.

 

As we were standing there on the side of the busy road trying to change it (we were both able to do it so we didn't actually NEED help) a couple of expensive cars with well dressed men in them drove past and yelled rude things out the window.

 

A few minutes later a guy on a huge Harley motorbike with tattoos, beard, leather jacket, piercings etc. pulled over and helped us change our tyre.

 

True gentlemen don't always dress the part KWIM.

 

sewingmama:

 

Well, exactly.

 

Some politicians are like that, too; they may seem smoothies in suits, but actually they may inwardly be a disaster.

 

So I guess from then onwards you guys had a bit of a new attitude to tattoos, leather jackets and piercings ...

[helena]

I got a big lesson in this when I was around 12. My mom drove a VW Bug and she always got hoots, winks and flirting driving around in that thing.

 

Then she got a (used) BMW. The only thing men ever shouted out to her was b**ch.

 

It was a sad lesson.

[T'smom]

All the time. One particularly hard one fairly recently- we moved to a new state without being able to sell our house, so we rented a small, crappy apartment. We started going to a church and began to get comfortable and fit in there. Then dd was born and all the moms wanted to bring meals. After they saw where we were living, they didn't seem to accept us anymore. We stopped going to that church. Ironically, I'm pretty certain that dh makes more money than a lot of the same families. It's really a blessing though, you know who your real friends are.

[farouk]

All the time. One particularly hard one fairly recently- we moved to a new state without being able to sell our house' date=' so we rented a small, crappy apartment. We started going to a church and began to get comfortable and fit in there. Then dd was born and all the moms wanted to bring meals. After they saw where we were living, they didn't seem to accept us anymore. We stopped going to that church. Ironically, I'm pretty certain that dh makes more money than a lot of the same families. It's really a blessing though, you know who your real friends are.[/quote']

 

T'smom:

 

Church is the place where ppl are a bit more likely to be able to figure what sort of thing is going on in ppl's hearts, as God searches their hearts.

 

I guess this is another aspect of the question of appearances.

[farouk]

I got a big lesson in this when I was around 12. My mom drove a VW Bug and she always got hoots, winks and flirting driving around in that thing.

 

Then she got a (used) BMW. The only thing men ever shouted out to her was b**ch.

 

It was a sad lesson.

 

helena:

 

This is just bizarre.

 

Can't figure it out.

[helena]

helena:

 

This is just bizarre.

 

Can't figure it out.

 

I guess they thought she was uppity?

This was in the 80s, nowadays I don't think people are that way... so much.