Am I being overprotective?

[Teresa in MO]

last week my 20 yo dd told me that she and her 18 yo friend visiting from Montana were going to go to a NHL hockey game in downtown St. Louis (we live in the suburbs, about 30 min. out) with a male friend from work. I found out a little bit ago that the friend was not going and it would just be the two girls. I am not comfortable with this at all. Downtown St. Louis is not the place for 18 and 20 yo girls to be by themselves at 11:00 at night when the game lets out. I did not tell her no, but told her I was very concerned and she was not happy. She did just text me that they were not going to go, but I am still curious if I was being overprotective. My dh knew nothing about her going at all and is at work, but I know he would not be happy to find out if they went.

[2squared]

My experience with professional sports is that after any game, the entire crowd exits at the same time. She wouldn't be "alone" because there would be thousands of other people leaving the stadium with her. In my experience, there always seems to be extra police protection in the stadium area as well.

[DianeW88]

I would have let my 18 yo dd go.

[NicAnn]

She is 20. Some people are parents at 20. I think you are being overprotective.

 

I agree. And others are off in college. I was married with kids at 21, so my view may be skewed. :)

[Jennifer in MI]

I would have let my 18 yo dd go.

 

:iagree: I don't actually have an 18 yo, but we do live near a big city and we attend sporting events a lot. When they let out, there are MOBS of people. They wouldn't have been alone.

 

ETA: I just saw your dd is 20!!! At 20 I was living near NYC in college. I went into the city a LOT for shows. Yup. They'd have been fine.

Edited January 4, 2012 by Jennifer in MI

[Desert Rat]

Yup. A vote for overprotective. I was living on my own at 20. I went all kinds of places by myself. If she has good common sense (which I am assuming she does), then she will be fine.

[MindyD]

I agree with over-protective.

[GoVanGogh]

Well, I was married and living 600+ miles from family when I was 20-years-old, so my opinion may be skewed as well.

I would say very overprotective, but I'm not there yet with my child.

I do know that my mom recently forbade me from going on an international trip, as she viewed it as much too dangerous. Yes, I'm 40+ years old. :glare: And have been married and living away from home for over 25 years. :lol: We already had a rocky relationship, but this really drove a wedge between us. (And, yes, I did still go on the trip and live to tell about it.)

 

I do realize St. Louis has a high crime rate and that may be part of your concern.

We live in a big city, with several major league sports teams. I have attended games and do believe that it is normally a very safe environment - extra people around and extra police.

[meggie]

Yes, overprotective. When I was 19, I went with two friends to a Matchbox 20 concert in downtown Denver. We rode the light rail in. When the concert was over, it was so crowded. We weren't traveling alone in the dark by ourselves.

[Carol in Cal.]

It depends on two things--whether you and she are aware of the specific dangers of that specific location and time, and whether you offered information or gave orders.

 

I think that it's valuable to get information about a locale that you're unfamiliar with.

 

2 years ago I got some advice about visiting an event in St. Louis that made me realize that I was putting myself in some degree of danger, especially at night. My dear advisor did not tell me not to go. He just told me what probably would and would not be safe to do, and gave me some information about where to stay if I did go.

 

I am a city girl, and not intimidated by cities per se, but I also know that there are very real dangers in some crime-ridden areas of some cities. I would not want to be vulnerable to street crime unnecessarily, and if I were putting myself in that position I would hope that someone would help me understand that before I did it. But I would also hope to be treated respectfully.

[Pretty in Pink]

Yes, overprotective. She's an adult now. I was a single parent, self-supporting, and raising a toddler by the time I was 20 years old.

[Parrothead]

Yeah, I have to go with overprotective.. I think it is fine to share your concern. As you can't forbid the trip, asking that she text the safety code to you once she is safely in the car and on the way would be okay.

 

I did that with after I got home from my friend's house new year's eve as the roads were covered in ice. She wanted to know we made it home safely. So I just texted her when we turned into the driveway.

[annandatje]

Yes.

[Mom22ns]

Another vote for overprotective. I grew up in the suburbs of St. Louis too. After a game, there are lots of other fans and lots of police around. She didn't try to go alone, but with a friend. Sounds like she is making good choices to me.

[NanceXToo]

My experience with professional sports is that after any game, the entire crowd exits at the same time. She wouldn't be "alone" because there would be thousands of other people leaving the stadium with her. In my experience, there always seems to be extra police protection in the stadium area as well.

 

:iagree:

 

She is 20. Some people are parents at 20. I think you are being overprotective.

 

True, I was a parent at 18 lol.

 

Well, it's not like you told her she COULDN'T go, you just told her you were concerned, and she made the choice on her own. But you might want to tell her that you didn't mean it like that and if she wants to go you are okay with it. Like someone else said there will be TONS of people leaving at once, TONS of security, she'll be with a friend...she's not going to be alone. I think she'll be fine!

[Catwoman]

It depends on two things--whether you and she are aware of the specific dangers of that specific location and time, and whether you offered information or gave orders.

 

I think that it's valuable to get information about a locale that you're unfamiliar with.

 

2 years ago I got some advice about visiting an event in St. Louis that made me realize that I was putting myself in some degree of danger, especially at night. My dear advisor did not tell me not to go. He just told me what probably would and would not be safe to do, and gave me some information about where to stay if I did go.

 

I am a city girl, and not intimidated by cities per se, but I also know that there are very real dangers in some crime-ridden areas of some cities. I would not want to be vulnerable to street crime unnecessarily, and if I were putting myself in that position I would hope that someone would help me understand that before I did it. But I would also hope to be treated respectfully.

 

:iagree:

 

Yes, this. Exactly. As someone who always spent a lot of time in NYC, my friends and I were pretty fearless, but not totally stupid, either. There are areas we wouldn't have wanted to visit late at night, and I have no idea if the area of St Louis your dd was planning to visit was "that type of neighborhood," but if it was, I understand your concern. If your dd and her friend were going to be with crowds of fellow spectators on the way home, I wouldn't worry about them, but if they were going to be leaving the crowd and walking several blocks through a bad neighborhood to get to where they parked the car, I would be concerned.

 

I don't think it's necessarily an issue of overprotectiveness, as much as an issue of personal safety and common sense. It would also make a difference to me if your dd was already familiar with the area, vs never having been there before.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

It would have been too overprotective for you to forbide her from going. But you didn't do that. But, not necessarily a bad thing. I've been going to concerts and sporting events with friends since I've had friends that drove, *but* my mom would (and still does!) express her concern over my safety. Occasionally I have not gone somewhere because of the concerns she brought up, but more often it made me a little more aware of my surroundings. As a person who has often been accused of being off in my own world, the words of caution are sometimes a good thing! :tongue_smilie:

[J-rap]

Maybe, maybe not. It depends on the person, and on the specifics. I'd let my 20-year old daughter go to a sports event in d.t. Minneapolis, but then again I know that area and feel that it's safe. I also know that she would have everything planned as far as transportation. She would either have a car lined up, a ride to the light rail, or whatever. She has traveled the world, part of it alone, but even then -- she is cautious and does not do dumb things. She plans ahead, and knows the "layout of the land" before traveling at night.

 

I don't know d.t. St. Louis or what it's like there after a sporting event. I have heard there is a lot of crime in d.t. St. Louis, and probably it is not as safe an area as d.t. Minneapolis. Nor do I know your daughter, and if she is a careful, street-wise person.

 

I personally don't see anything wrong with going with your gut feeling on it. Better safe than sorry. If she wants to do it another time -- when you have more time to think it through -- perhaps you can go over her plan with her, to make sure you are both comfortable with it. I think it's okay for a parent to step in to help make sure a plan is safe. If she has never done something like this before on her own, then you can help her learn how to handle herself safely at night.

[abbeyej]

Yes. Overprotective. I do understand worry, wanting her to be safe, sharing your concerns with her... But telling a 20yo adult where she can go (which, granted, you did stop short of doing!) is too much.

 

At 20 I had graduated from college (in a not-very-nice area of Los Angeles, and while campus was perfectly safe, I wasn't always on campus for those years), gotten married, and was expecting my first child. It seems insanely young to me *now* when I look at other young adults, but I don't think it would have been helpful to me to be treated like a child during those years.

[SonshineLearner]

I was living in N Jersey and driving to New York City with a friend at that age.... Course, I took a train cross country when I was 17.... You watch out... and be smart... don't go with any guys.... (or girls) that you don't know... Common sense and try to develop some street smarts :) AND I didn't have a GPS... :)

[Cera]

I would have said overprotective if you told her not to go but I think it is fine to tell her you are concerned about her safety. I wouldn't want to be in downtown St. Louis late at night with just another female friend, the crime rates are very high.

[dsmama]

When I did mission work in St Louis (Bellefontaine) I did travel to several baseball games that got out late and drove home no problem. I was 20 and my mission partner (also female) was 23. I don't know about the other arenas downtown, though.

 

That said, as the previous poster noted, it depends on multiple circumstances with the person and the specifics.

[SunD]

At 20 I was living in a different city, engaged, and pregnant. I wouldn't even have told my mother my plans for any specific night unless they came up in the course of a casual phone conversation.

[Teresa in MO]

:iagree:

 

Yes, this. Exactly. As someone who always spent a lot of time in NYC, my friends and I were pretty fearless, but not totally stupid, either. There are areas we wouldn't have wanted to visit late at night, and I have no idea if the area of St Louis your dd was planning to visit was "that type of neighborhood," but if it was, I understand your concern. If your dd and her friend were going to be with crowds of fellow spectators on the way home, I wouldn't worry about them, but if they were going to be leaving the crowd and walking several blocks through a bad neighborhood to get to where they parked the car, I would be concerned.

 

I don't think it's necessarily an issue of overprotectiveness, as much as an issue of personal safety and common sense. It would also make a difference to me if your dd was already familiar with the area, vs never having been there before.

 

she is not familiar with the area at all. She has never driven there and would be completely lost without her GPS. No clue where she was going, didn't even know what highway she would be taking.

[Catwoman]

she is not familiar with the area at all. She has never driven there and would be completely lost without her GPS. No clue where she was going, didn't even know what highway she would be taking.

 

Then I definitely understand your concern. I think you handled it very well. :001_smile:

[BarbecueMom]

Aren't Tuesday nights still Student Night? Lots of college aged kids at the game. We always park at Union Station and walk with the crowd there and back. If they know their way out of the city after the game, they should be okay. Driving around North St. Louis lost at 11:00pm would be my biggest concern.

[Amy in NH]

Yes, you are.

[elegantlion]

she is not familiar with the area at all. She has never driven there and would be completely lost without her GPS. No clue where she was going, didn't even know what highway she would be taking.

 

Well I'd say at 20 she needs some skills to be get around in the city she lives in. I don't mean that as snarky at all, I've driven in St. Louis a lot, the traffic makes me want to pull my hair out, and I'm old. I grew up in KC and by 20 I was married and drove downtown on a semi-regular basis.

 

If she's still at home, I'd put some lessons on driving around town on the schedule. I would also pull out a regular map and show her the highways in and out of the city, St. Louis IS confusing.

[Teresa in MO]

At 20 I was living in a different city, engaged, and pregnant. I wouldn't even have told my mother my plans for any specific night unless they came up in the course of a casual phone conversation.

 

Yes, I was married at 18 also. But my dd does still live at home. She does not have to ask permission to go somewhere, but we still discuss when and where she is going. She cannot just come and go as she pleases without me being aware of where and when she will be home. I did not tell her she could not go. Also, the other young lady is also my ds's girlfriend (he works 3 hours away),he really did not want them to go without someone else being with them. My dd is not at all familiar with the area, to the extent she didn't even know what highway she needed to take. The 18 yo lives in Montana, so has no idea where they would be going. She would have her GPS, but that would not take her the safest route.

 

Yes, I know I was overprotective. We had a very serious incident this past summer with my other ds. He lives in Cincinnati and someone posted on his facebook page that they were both in a serious car accident and my ds was in the hospital. After a few hours of trying to track down information from other friends of his, we realized that something was seriously wrong and not adding up. Even his very close friends knew nothing. My dd and I did receive texts from supposedly the friend who was with him in the accident and saying my ds was fine and would call us later. Finally, one of his friends drove to his apartment and saw my ds's car. He knocked and when he got no answer called the police. They tracked my ds's cell phone that the text were coming from to inside his apartment. We were on the phone with the police when they broke into the apartment and were told he was in there but they were not sure he was alive. It took 15 minutes to find out he was alive. He had gone home to his apartment, went into his bedroom, heard a noise in the bathroom, saw a hand, and was knocked out. From the timetable the police put together, whoever did this stayed in his apartment posting on his facebook page and texting us for at least 2-3 hours. My ds was knocked out for 4 hours. It took the police 5 tries before they could revive him. The found a knife next to my son's body. So yes, I know I can be overprotective, but those were the longest few hours of my life. Especially the 15 minutes we did not know whether he was dead or alive. The police detective told me a few days later that in her 20 years of being a cop, she had never seen anything so bizarre.

[KristenR]

she is not familiar with the area at all. She has never driven there and would be completely lost without her GPS. No clue where she was going, didn't even know what highway she would be taking.

 

Not trying to sound snarky either, but 20?? :001_huh:

That's part of the fun of being young-- planning out road trips with friends, mapping out places to see along the way....

 

If you feel secure that she would not purposely (or ignorantly) put herself in harms way like getting in a car with a strange man or wandering off alone with somebody then why question it?

 

That being said, my sense of direction is horrendous and I get lost trying to get out of my mall parking lot. Something I have to work on though. But sports stadiums are generally pretty well marked and made to get easily to....

[Catwoman]

Yes, I know I was overprotective. We had a very serious incident this past summer with my other ds. He lives in Cincinnati and someone posted on his facebook page that they were both in a serious car accident and my ds was in the hospital. After a few hours of trying to track down information from other friends of his, we realized that something was seriously wrong and not adding up. Even his very close friends knew nothing. My dd and I did receive texts from supposedly the friend who was with him in the accident and saying my ds was fine and would call us later. Finally, one of his friends drove to his apartment and saw my ds's car. He knocked and when he got no answer called the police. They tracked my ds's cell phone that the text were coming from to inside his apartment. We were on the phone with the police when they broke into the apartment and were told he was in there but they were not sure he was alive. It took 15 minutes to find out he was alive. He had gone home to his apartment, went into his bedroom, heard a noise in the bathroom, saw a hand, and was knocked out. From the timetable the police put together, whoever did this stayed in his apartment posting on his facebook page and texting us for at least 2-3 hours. My ds was knocked out for 4 hours. It took the police 5 tries before they could revive him. The found a knife next to my son's body. So yes, I know I can be overprotective, but those were the longest few hours of my life. Especially the 15 minutes we did not know whether he was dead or alive. The police detective told me a few days later that in her 20 years of being a cop, she had never seen anything so bizarre.

 

:eek: :eek: :eek:

 

How horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

As far as I'm concerned, you have every right to be completely overprotective of your dc FOREVER. I can't imagine living through something so frightening and not being quick to worry.

 

I'm so glad your ds is OK! (What happened to the guy who did it?)

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Oh, Teresa. :grouphug: Oh, I'm so sorry that happened.

 

I'll be praying that your daughter and her friend will be safe, and that your whole family can heal and move on from this horrible experience.

 

Your dd's need to go on with life normally is probably as great as your need to keep all your little chicks in the nest for awhile. I'm glad you didn't tell her not to go. That was brave. What a hard thing for all of you.

[KristenR]

Yes, I was married at 18 also. But my dd does still live at home. She does not have to ask permission to go somewhere, but we still discuss when and where she is going. She cannot just come and go as she pleases without me being aware of where and when she will be home. I did not tell her she could not go. Also, the other young lady is also my ds's girlfriend (he works 3 hours away),he really did not want them to go without someone else being with them. My dd is not at all familiar with the area, to the extent she didn't even know what highway she needed to take. The 18 yo lives in Montana, so has no idea where they would be going. She would have her GPS, but that would not take her the safest route.

 

Yes, I know I was overprotective. We had a very serious incident this past summer with my other ds. He lives in Cincinnati and someone posted on his facebook page that they were both in a serious car accident and my ds was in the hospital. After a few hours of trying to track down information from other friends of his, we realized that something was seriously wrong and not adding up. Even his very close friends knew nothing. My dd and I did receive texts from supposedly the friend who was with him in the accident and saying my ds was fine and would call us later. Finally, one of his friends drove to his apartment and saw my ds's car. He knocked and when he got no answer called the police. They tracked my ds's cell phone that the text were coming from to inside his apartment. We were on the phone with the police when they broke into the apartment and were told he was in there but they were not sure he was alive. It took 15 minutes to find out he was alive. He had gone home to his apartment, went into his bedroom, heard a noise in the bathroom, saw a hand, and was knocked out. From the timetable the police put together, whoever did this stayed in his apartment posting on his facebook page and texting us for at least 2-3 hours. My ds was knocked out for 4 hours. It took the police 5 tries before they could revive him. The found a knife next to my son's body. So yes, I know I can be overprotective, but those were the longest few hours of my life. Especially the 15 minutes we did not know whether he was dead or alive. The police detective told me a few days later that in her 20 years of being a cop, she had never seen anything so bizarre.

 

Well then it sounds like you have your reasoning for being protective and I'm sure with all that has happened recently, your dd would probably understand where you care coming from. On the same token, you don't want to withhold your dd from experiencing life. Try to find where you can balance your fears with giving her some independence. Maybe use this scenario to have a real good heart to heart with her. Tell her you want her to live life and let her try to understand how gut wrenching it can be for parents to give their children more freedom, especially with your scary episode with your ds, and maybe you guys can come to a middle ground. Maybe just by stressing your concerns your dd will act that much more responsibly and you might not even question something like an outing to a sporting event.

[elegantlion]

Yes, I was married at 18 also. But my dd does still live at home. She does not have to ask permission to go somewhere, but we still discuss when and where she is going. She cannot just come and go as she pleases without me being aware of where and when she will be home. I did not tell her she could not go. Also, the other young lady is also my ds's girlfriend (he works 3 hours away),he really did not want them to go without someone else being with them. My dd is not at all familiar with the area, to the extent she didn't even know what highway she needed to take. The 18 yo lives in Montana, so has no idea where they would be going. She would have her GPS, but that would not take her the safest route.

 

Yes, I know I was overprotective. We had a very serious incident this past summer with my other ds. He lives in Cincinnati and someone posted on his facebook page that they were both in a serious car accident and my ds was in the hospital. After a few hours of trying to track down information from other friends of his, we realized that something was seriously wrong and not adding up. Even his very close friends knew nothing. My dd and I did receive texts from supposedly the friend who was with him in the accident and saying my ds was fine and would call us later. Finally, one of his friends drove to his apartment and saw my ds's car. He knocked and when he got no answer called the police. They tracked my ds's cell phone that the text were coming from to inside his apartment. We were on the phone with the police when they broke into the apartment and were told he was in there but they were not sure he was alive. It took 15 minutes to find out he was alive. He had gone home to his apartment, went into his bedroom, heard a noise in the bathroom, saw a hand, and was knocked out. From the timetable the police put together, whoever did this stayed in his apartment posting on his facebook page and texting us for at least 2-3 hours. My ds was knocked out for 4 hours. It took the police 5 tries before they could revive him. The found a knife next to my son's body. So yes, I know I can be overprotective, but those were the longest few hours of my life. Especially the 15 minutes we did not know whether he was dead or alive. The police detective told me a few days later that in her 20 years of being a cop, she had never seen anything so bizarre.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm sorry, what a horrid experience for a parent. I do hope your ds is all right now.

 

Have you considered having you and your dd take a personal safety course? I would want to do something empowering after an incident like that.

[KristenR]

:eek: :eek: :eek:

 

How horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

As far as I'm concerned, you have every right to be completely overprotective of your dc FOREVER. I can't imagine living through something so frightening and not being quick to worry.

 

I'm so glad your ds is OK! (What happened to the guy who did it?)

 

 

I agree I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I am soooo sorry you had to experience that.. but please don't squeeze too tightly to your children in fearful love... You're letting the bad guys win by withholding freedom and independence to deserving young adults.

[Catwoman]

Try to find where you can balance your fears with giving her some independence.

 

As I understand it, Teresa didn't tell her dd that she couldn't go, so I got the impression that she was just trying to be sure her dd was careful and cautious, and to make sure she was aware of potential dangers.

 

It must be hard for her to let her dc out of her sight after what happened to her ds. What a frightening thing -- it's the kind of thing you hear about on the news, but never think it will happen to anyone you know.

Edited January 4, 2012 by Catwoman

[OLG]

Yes, I was married at 18 also. But my dd does still live at home. She does not have to ask permission to go somewhere, but we still discuss when and where she is going. She cannot just come and go as she pleases without me being aware of where and when she will be home. I did not tell her she could not go. Also, the other young lady is also my ds's girlfriend (he works 3 hours away),he really did not want them to go without someone else being with them. My dd is not at all familiar with the area, to the extent she didn't even know what highway she needed to take. The 18 yo lives in Montana, so has no idea where they would be going. She would have her GPS, but that would not take her the safest route.

 

Yes, I know I was overprotective. We had a very serious incident this past summer with my other ds. He lives in Cincinnati and someone posted on his facebook page that they were both in a serious car accident and my ds was in the hospital. After a few hours of trying to track down information from other friends of his, we realized that something was seriously wrong and not adding up. Even his very close friends knew nothing. My dd and I did receive texts from supposedly the friend who was with him in the accident and saying my ds was fine and would call us later. Finally, one of his friends drove to his apartment and saw my ds's car. He knocked and when he got no answer called the police. They tracked my ds's cell phone that the text were coming from to inside his apartment. We were on the phone with the police when they broke into the apartment and were told he was in there but they were not sure he was alive. It took 15 minutes to find out he was alive. He had gone home to his apartment, went into his bedroom, heard a noise in the bathroom, saw a hand, and was knocked out. From the timetable the police put together, whoever did this stayed in his apartment posting on his facebook page and texting us for at least 2-3 hours. My ds was knocked out for 4 hours. It took the police 5 tries before they could revive him. The found a knife next to my son's body. So yes, I know I can be overprotective, but those were the longest few hours of my life. Especially the 15 minutes we did not know whether he was dead or alive. The police detective told me a few days later that in her 20 years of being a cop, she had never seen anything so bizarre.

 

YIKES! I would freak out after that. Your reactions with your dd were perfectly normal given this info, dear lady!

[Chelle in MO]

Wow. I'm so sorry about the incident (seems too mild a word) w/your ds. That is so scary.

 

Given everything you've posted, my biggest concern would be your dd's unfamiliarity w/the area.

 

Second to that would be how far she would park from the arena. When we leave games down there, there are big crowds right as the game ends, but they disperse fairly rapidly depending on how far out you park.

 

:grouphug:

[AK_Mom4]

:eek: :eek: :eek:

 

How horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

As far as I'm concerned, you have every right to be completely overprotective of your dc FOREVER. I can't imagine living through something so frightening and not being quick to worry.

 

I'm so glad your ds is OK! (What happened to the guy who did it?)

 

I agree with part of the above - I am glad your son is OK.

 

But I don't agree with the need to be overprotective forever...unless there is some connection between the bizarre and horrible thing that happened to your son and your daughter going to a sporting event. You can't live in fear.

 

It sounds like your DD has thought out what she wants to do, she's not going alone, it's a public venue (well lighted and with security). If the young ladies are nervous, they can ask security to walk them to their car after the event.

 

Since she lives at home, I would just ask her to text you when she gets there and when she leaves.

[Guest]

I was going to say overprotective until I read what happened to your ds. How terrible. I'm so sorry that happened. I completely understand why you are so protective.

 

As has been said, the girls wouldn't have been alone when the game got out, but getting lost could be a problem. I would have let them, but they would have needed a full tank of gas and a cell phone and would need to keep the car doors locked while driving. If the area is known to be a dangerous area, I would say no.

 

I'm not sure if you are a believer or not, but if so, pray and ask God to keep your children safe everyday. Put them in His hands and let go. Obviously, they shouldn't do risky things, but really... don't let the one incident ruin everything.

 

Whatever happened with the person who did that to your son? Were they ever found?

[justasque]

:grouphug: on your ds's horrible experience! I understand your concerns.

 

This might be a good time to begin to give her some "wings" skills. Can you begin to do things like go to a sporting event as a family, and let her look up the route, drive there, etc. as a test run with full parents-are-right-there backup? Can you make sure she has things like one of those string bags you can wear under your clothes, for her valuables when she travels? Can you make sure the car is kitted out with a charger for her cell phone, maps of the area (in case of GPS failure), Fix-a-Flat, etc.? Perhaps AAA membership for her birthday?

 

You can't prevent everything, but you can prepare for a lot of different scenarios which can give you and her the confidence to venture out when the need or interests arises.

[mom2samlibby]

She is 20. Some people are parents at 20. I think you are being overprotective.

 

:iagree:

[chepyl]

she is not familiar with the area at all. She has never driven there and would be completely lost without her GPS. No clue where she was going, didn't even know what highway she would be taking.

 

At 20, my two best friends and I drove from OKC to Memphis, Birmingham, Atlanta, Macon, Savannah, Charleston, Knoxville and home. We had no GPS, just phones, maps, and a plan. I had been to three of the cities. We wandered Memphis and Atlanta at night on our own.

 

I understand being fearful after what happened with your son, but eventually your DD will be on her own. She needs to learn to navigate through new areas at some point. Better 30 minutes from home than 3 hours, right?

[Cedarmom]

You said you were concerned. I think that's fine. After that I would drop it. If she canceled great, but you would have to be ok if whe goes to. And I try and keep the amount of times I tell my son I'm worried to a bare minimum-he's 20 and living at home while in college

[Denisemomof4]

I also vote over protective but want to give you a :grouphug: because I know how scary it is to let go. It does get easier. I have struggled with being over protective and have worked hard to over come it. I still have areas where I won't budge.

[Guest submarines]

She is 20. Some people are parents at 20. I think you are being overprotective.

:iagree: ETA: Under the circumstances though, I think you are handling it well. :grouphug: Overprotective would be not letting her go. Telling her that you are concerned is within normal, considering your experience with DS.

Edited January 4, 2012 by sunflowers

[swellmomma]

Over protective. Like others said at 20 I was in college doing my own thing (1 year later I was pg). She is an adult now, time to cut the apron strings and let her do her thing. That won't stop you from worrying, that's the mom thing to do, but there is no way for you to stop her from going so do not damage your relationship with her by telling her not to go. She may see that as you not having faith or trust in her rather than worry about the OTHER people in that city.

[swellmomma]

Yes, I was married at 18 also. But my dd does still live at home. She does not have to ask permission to go somewhere, but we still discuss when and where she is going. She cannot just come and go as she pleases without me being aware of where and when she will be home. I did not tell her she could not go. Also, the other young lady is also my ds's girlfriend (he works 3 hours away),he really did not want them to go without someone else being with them. My dd is not at all familiar with the area, to the extent she didn't even know what highway she needed to take. The 18 yo lives in Montana, so has no idea where they would be going. She would have her GPS, but that would not take her the safest route.

 

Yes, I know I was overprotective. We had a very serious incident this past summer with my other ds. He lives in Cincinnati and someone posted on his facebook page that they were both in a serious car accident and my ds was in the hospital. After a few hours of trying to track down information from other friends of his, we realized that something was seriously wrong and not adding up. Even his very close friends knew nothing. My dd and I did receive texts from supposedly the friend who was with him in the accident and saying my ds was fine and would call us later. Finally, one of his friends drove to his apartment and saw my ds's car. He knocked and when he got no answer called the police. They tracked my ds's cell phone that the text were coming from to inside his apartment. We were on the phone with the police when they broke into the apartment and were told he was in there but they were not sure he was alive. It took 15 minutes to find out he was alive. He had gone home to his apartment, went into his bedroom, heard a noise in the bathroom, saw a hand, and was knocked out. From the timetable the police put together, whoever did this stayed in his apartment posting on his facebook page and texting us for at least 2-3 hours. My ds was knocked out for 4 hours. It took the police 5 tries before they could revive him. The found a knife next to my son's body. So yes, I know I can be overprotective, but those were the longest few hours of my life. Especially the 15 minutes we did not know whether he was dead or alive. The police detective told me a few days later that in her 20 years of being a cop, she had never seen anything so bizarre.

 

That does put a different spin on things. I totally get where you would be even more overprotective as a result of this. How terrifying. Did they catch the freak that did this? So yes I still think over protective with your dd but with a reason. ;)

[bettyandbob]

I'm sorry about your ds. I can see why you have a hyper response. However, it is overprotective. If I had a dc that age who wanted to attend a professional sporting event I wouldn't question it beyond asking her to let me know when she was leaving the event, so I could gage when she'd arrive home. But maybe I wouldn't do that either. I didn't live at home at that age so my parents had no idea whether I was out all night, in a dangerous neighborhood, or at home sipping ginger ale doing a crossword.

 

If I knew about a specific safety concern, I would relay that to my dc and suggest a way around the concern (different traffic route, parking garage, etc)

[tex-mex]

She is 20. Some people are parents at 20. I think you are being overprotective.

:iagree::iagree: