how would you respond to my sister?

[elegantlion]

I think this would be one of those "draw a line" situations. I would tell her she is being melodramatic and irrational. I would tell her that she's always been melodramatic and irrational and that you recognize that as a manifestation of her inferiority complex. Of course, she should feel inferior because she is a dumba$$ melodramatic twit, and she needs to back the truck off or the next statement out of your mouth will be the last one you'll ever speak to her again.

 

If she continues to push it, tell her she can mandatory report this (insert obvious gesture here) bless her heart.

 

:svengo:

 

:D

 

Seriously gasping for air over here. The next time I have to gear up for a confrontation I am going to ask myself, how would Audrey delicately put it. :tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree: Put me in for a bracelet too.

[ktgrok]

Your dh is going to need better parenting and coping skills to deal with your ds as he goes through puberty.

 

"I'm going to get your mom before I end up punching you!" How would you or your dh react if your ds said this to you, your dh or dd? This is what he is learning...

 

Dealing with your sister would be the easy part for my heart.

 

Why is your dh's inappropriate - over reaction to stress more understandable than your ds's?

 

It isn't. I understand my son's issues too, and am making plans to change our holidays to make things easier for him. And will work with him on how to handle things better. I'm sure what happened is he was told no numerous times and didn't understand how angry my husband was getting, until DH lost it. Dh has apologized for losing his temper. My sister has not apologized for getting involved, or bringing up DCF. In fact, when she called, she justified getting involved because she is a mandatory reporter.

[Lisbeth]

What Audrey said. ;)

[ktgrok]

OH, and for whoever said she probably isn't in vice principal mode all the time....yes, she is, sadly. Especially with my son.

[pdalley]

Your dh is going to need better parenting and coping skills to deal with your ds as he goes through puberty.

 

"I'm going to get your mom before I end up punching you!" How would you or your dh react if your ds said this to you, your dh or dd? This is what he is learning...

 

Dealing with your sister would be the easy part for my heart.

 

Why is your dh's inappropriate - over reaction to stress more understandable than your ds's?

 

 

He has. Before we ever said it to him. Wanna guess where he learned it? When he was in public school. It was said to him by an aide.

 

Aspies do not understand subtlety - at all. They do not understand how close they are to pushing someone off the edge of a cliff. Sometimes you have to spell it out for them. What happens when said Aspie gets into the workplace and starts stuff like this? Or as an adult at a public function. Are the police going to be polite and say, 'Sir, please back up'. Yes, to a point. But I'm telling you that most Aspies will not understand until said policeman spells it out for them in plain language. And I worked with them for years and they will.

 

Everyone agrees it was probably a poor choice of words, but what makes my head spin is people focusing on that as opposed to OP's sister -who is apparently in the same mold as the public school admins I dealt with before homeschooling. She hasn't a clue but she thinks she knows it all.

 

And Audrey is my hero. Period.

[Harriet Vane]

I'm going to add to what I said earlier.

 

Anyone who searches my posts will easily learn that I advocate for reporting child abuse, and that I have personally reported on more than one occasion in the past. I take child abuse VERY seriously.

 

I also know that most reports that go into the system do not result in a child going into foster care. However, there is always that possibility, and the reality of that possibility has to be considered.

 

Threatening to report someone to DCFS does open the door to the possibility of a parent losing their children. For this reason I consider the threat of a report to be akin to drawing a gun on someone.

 

Your sister's threats and continued power plays have to change everything for you. It is as if she pulled a gun on your family. Her reaction is so over-the-top that it makes your dh's poor handling of ds pale in comparison, especially in light of the special challenges aspies present.

 

Your sister has not apologized. I'm so sorry she doesn't see the gravity of what she's done. Even if she did apologize, though, I would still have to say that she should never, ever be allowed unsupervised access to your kids again.

 

This will be challenging at group family events, as your desire will be to relax and hang out with the adults, but the reality will be that you have to maintain tight supervision of your kids and of your sister. It will also change your relationship with those who are also in relationship with your sister as you will have to carefully guard what you tell them lest it leak back to your sister. I'm so very, very sorry for this.

 

:grouphug:

[DawnM]

Then she is a very poorly educated (not academically, but knowledge of special needs) principal.

 

When my Aspie did attend school here (briefly in 3rd grade) the principal went above and beyond for him. The principal himself had an autistic son and was very understanding of my son in many ways.

 

Dawn

 

OH, and for whoever said she probably isn't in vice principal mode all the time....yes, she is, sadly. Especially with my son.

[mirth]

I understand my son's issues too, and am making plans to change our holidays to make things easier for him.

 

Yea (for the above)!

 

Anyway regarding the sister, it seems that neither she nor you can let go of the threat. (and I mean the "nor you" part with utmost kindness, there is no reason you should lightly let go in spite of perhaps wishing in your heart you could just forget about it). I want to ask you: what would you do if you knew she had already recorded, photographed, typed and documented the testimonies of everyone in the entire incident? You should now act as if she had done just this -- especially given her having warned you several times about "her duty". Because she might just place your file where the stolen iPod used to be -- to be taken out and used as needed.

 

I don't know your sister. But I think she has a problem. Maybe she wants you to feel under her thumb. My guess is that even if you challenge her to do her worst and report whatever she wants, she knows it will result in nothing. The ensuing problem for her is that this will seal your superiority forevermore. If her concern is truly for your son, then she will keep calling to ask about the boy and his exchanges with your husband. If it is some kind of weird sister powerplay thing, she will keep asking if you're cool with her. Give it time to play out.

 

Can I say one other thing? I understand mandated reporter. I do not understand mandated investigator. She is investigating to determine if a crime has taken place? Ok, right ... Angie Dickinson in the house.

 

I am sorry you have had such a lousy Christmas.

Edited December 26, 2011 by mirth

[jelbe5]

:grouphug:

 

I completely understand how frustrating these children can be!

 

I think the advice to avoid your sister is a good one. She has proved she is untrustworthy and has used her status as a mandated reporter as power over you. I myself am a mandated reporter and I feel her threat is way out of line.

 

Unfortunately, we recently had something similar happen to us. In order to protect ourselves we immediately took our autistic son to his doctor in order for the doctor to check him out and document that he is fine. You could do the same and it may give you peace of mind. We are also members of HSLDA. I know there are differing opinions on this organization, but you may want to consider joining them if you feel this situation could escalate.

 

I am truly sorry you have to deal with this. Life with someone on the spectrum is stressful enough!

 

:grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

Aspies do not understand subtlety - at all. They do not understand how close they are to pushing someone off the edge of a cliff. Sometimes you have to spell it out for them. What happens when said Aspie gets into the workplace and starts stuff like this? Or as an adult at a public function. Are the police going to be polite and say, 'Sir, please back up'. Yes, to a point. But I'm telling you that most Aspies will not understand until said policeman spells it out for them in plain language. And I worked with them for years and they will.

.

 

:iagree: I hate how blunt I've had to become, I feel like I'm lecturing, but anything less, he. just. does. not. comprehend. He wants to be good, but unless I spell it out for him, he's clueless.

[Tammyla]

He has. Before we ever said it to him. Wanna guess where he learned it? When he was in public school. It was said to him by an aide. :confused: I'm confused

 

Aspies do not understand subtlety - at all. They do not understand how close they are to pushing someone off the edge of a cliff. Sometimes you have to spell it out for them. What happens when said Aspie gets into the workplace and starts stuff like this? Or as an adult at a public function. Are the police going to be polite and say, 'Sir, please back up'. Yes, to a point. But I'm telling you that most Aspies will not understand until said policeman spells it out for them in plain language. And I worked with them for years and they will. I know /understand, my nephew is an aspie, and I have a super soft spot for them.

 

Everyone agrees it was probably a poor choice of words, but what makes my head spin is people focusing on that as opposed to OP's sister -who is apparently in the same mold as the public school admins I dealt with before homeschooling. She hasn't a clue but she thinks she knows it all. She can distance herself and her ds from sister, but dh & ds live together kwim? I truly care and was hoping & suggesting working on these issues before they esclate.

 

And Audrey is my hero. Period.

We love Audrey. Edited December 26, 2011 by Tammyla

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

I would be very cautious and careful dealing with her.

 

 

It isn't. I understand my son's issues too, and am making plans to change our holidays to make things easier for him. And will work with him on how to handle things better. I'm sure what happened is he was told no numerous times and didn't understand how angry my husband was getting, until DH lost it. Dh has apologized for losing his temper. My sister has not apologized for getting involved, or bringing up DCF. In fact, when she called, she justified getting involved because she is a mandatory reporter.

[pdalley]

My son was told by an aide at school that if he (the aide) didn't take him to the office he (the aide) would punch my son in the face. That's where my son heard it and repeated it to us when he was agitated.

 

No, I do not believe the aide would have punched my son in the face. I honestly do not believe that. But I know what it is like being punched, hit, tooth knocked out, etc by an out of control Aspie. I know what it is like to try to tell this child you have reached your absolute limit and he needs to pull it together and he is not understanding you. (He was eight then and much much smaller than his current 5' 11", 200 lbs self now.) So I can understand someone saying that in the heat of the moment. Of course it wasn't the best choice of words, no one disputes that. But myself, I applaud him for realizing he needed the son to be with his mother because he was reaching his breaking point and I see nothing wrong with telling the child that. Maybe not in those words.

 

My mother - God rest her soul - did not. She was often violent with no warning (none of us read cues very well). I would have much rather been told that she was reaching that point than to get backhanded out of the blue.

 

Sister needs to mind her own beeswax. She has no clue. Truly. It's hard to really understand unless you have to live with it on a daily basis.

 

Thankfully my oldest is much better now. As he matures he is developing better impulse control. But he is still a teen and I have to watch him and not let him escalate. There are times you can easily diffuse and times you cannot. Sister jumping in helped really escalate the whole thing. They were not at their home, tension and stress were off the charts.

 

OP - :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

Then she is a very poorly educated (not academically, but knowledge of special needs) principal.

 

those in the academic fields who are knowledgeable about special needs are the *exception*, not the rule. (and I haven't met any teacher who is willing to admit there are things they don't know.)

 

This is a great DVD by someone who *educates* teachers about learning disabilities, and how to help those children. the most common response he hears from teachers, is also the most unfeeling and uncompassionate response he hears from teachers.

 

and aspies are a whole 'nother creature from there.

[SailorMom]

Avoid her like the plague.

[plansrme]

For the record, I know what it is like to cut a sibling out of your life, and you will be just fine. As an aside, my sibling's spouse is a PS teacher, and I have often wondered if that has played a part in the stresses between us over the years. I don't hate public schools or their administrators, and I doubt that many homeschoolers do, but I do see a lot of hate coming from public school teachers, parents and administrators. Not from all, obviously, but what I do see is very much in one direction.

 

Terri

[SailorMom]

For the record, I know what it is like to cut a sibling out of your life, and you will be just fine. As an aside, my sibling's spouse is a PS teacher, and I have often wondered if that has played a part in the stresses between us over the years. I don't hate public schools or their administrators, and I doubt that many homeschoolers do, but I do see a lot of hate coming from public school teachers, parents and administrators. Not from all, obviously, but what I do see is very much in one direction.

 

Terri

 

Actually, my life has been far more pleasant after two years of no contact with my sister :) Not only can one survive it, it can be wonderful.

[jhschool]

STOP spending time with someone who obviously

doesn't respect your family.

 

I would seriously cut off ties with someone like that.

[2cents]

Actually, my life has been far more pleasant after two years of no contact with my sister :) Not only can one survive it, it can be wonderful.

 

I'm no contact with a sib too and I agree! Life is fantastic with that vampire out of our lives.

[BigMamaBird]

If someone reported my family to Protective Services I would have no more contact with them . . . ever. 1. I would be far too ticked off at them 2. I don't know if I could ever trust them again.

 

For the record, I don't think what your dh said is so horrible. You son got a chance to see that adults get really angry, just like kids, and how a responsible adult handles the situation. Rather than acting out on the feelings of wanting to physically get violent with someone, which I assume we all experience at one time or another, you dh left the room to go cool down. It's good for young men to see how older men handle anger appropriately rather than in some glorified, Hollywood shoot out.

[G5052]

There's a major lack of boundaries and respect. I would either minimize or cut off contact.

 

I'm a mandatory reporter myself and go through the training every year, and I'd be in big trouble for reporting something on the basis of a single incident. The training I went through emphasized what are ordinary mistakes in parenting that are resolved versus a pattern of poor parenting and/or abuse. Of course there are problems with the system that we all hear about, but it is really designed to catch significant abuse, not torment ordinary parents who occasionally get angry, don't give the kids a full breakfast on a particular day, send them to school without a coat because the kid lost it the day before, etc. etc.

 

For someone to threaten reporting like this is just WRONG.

[Garga]

The other thing that really smacks of "power trip" is your sister calling to see if you're still talking to her..... like a criminal returning to the scene of the crime to see their handiwork and how they have gotten away with it.

 

Yeah--she knows that what she did was over the top and keeps calling to see if you realize that what she did was over the top.

 

Threatening to report someone to DCFS does open the door to the possibility of a parent losing their children. For this reason I consider the threat of a report to be akin to drawing a gun on someone.

 

 

I wouldn't be able to be around your sister anymore. I wouldn't cut off ties because of spite or anything, it would simply be out of terror at the thought that she'd try to take my kids from me.

[Cindyg]

If a member of my family inferred that they were maybe, possibly thinking about reporting my DH to whomever, I would not have any contact with her again for a long time. This reporting innocent people for child abuse is no small thing. It can ruin your family.

 

The only exception I would make to that is if I (as the mom) thought there really was a possibility for child abuse and wanted intervention. Assuming that is not the case, I'd steer clear of this sister -- like until the children are 18. Sorry, but I'm not kidding.

[ErinE]

Threatening to report someone to DCFS does open the door to the possibility of a parent losing their children. For this reason I consider the threat of a report to be akin to drawing a gun on someone.

 

Your sister's threats and continued power plays have to change everything for you. It is as if she pulled a gun on your family. Her reaction is so over-the-top that it makes your dh's poor handling of ds pale in comparison, especially in light of the special challenges aspies present.

 

Exactly. This is why so many are focusing on the OP's sister and not the husband. To call CPS is a trigger. The OP's sister was willing to subject the OP to an investigation after hearing about (not witnessing) an argument between the OP's husband and her son. As a mandatory reporter, she is using her authority to potentially cause major damage to the OP's life.

[Dustybug]

I am a mandatory reporter and would have read that situation very differently. Your dh knew he was very angry and chose to get someone who would handle things in a calmer fashion.

 

I would be very hesitant to spend anytime with my sister if I were in your shoes. I am glad she spoke with your son and gathered info, but even bringing up reporting was very immature.

 

:iagree:

 

What you describe here does not qualify as something that needs to be reported. If it were reported, it is likely that it would not be referred for investigation.

 

Your dh did not handle the situation well. As your son gets bigger, stronger, and further into adolescence this type of situation will likely recur. I think that some time with a male therapist who is also experienced with teen aspies would provide your dh with some better tools for handling this relationship. This is important both for the sake of the relationship but also because your husband would be in a more tenuous position in the eyes of the law as a step-parent should an investigation ever occur. Being proactive about this NOW will save a world of escalation later down the line.

 

Your sister's stupid power play didn't help anyone and I would be LIVID with her. Since she has played the mandated reporter card you have very little choice but to put some distance in your relationship. She has clearly told you she cannot be trusted. Do not leave your children alone with her and do not confide ANY of the aspie struggles to her or to anyone who might communicate such struggles to her. If she continues to threaten to report to DCS, tell her to go ahead--it will remove her power in this situation since very little is likely to come of such a report anyway.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I would have been livid that after your dh and you had handled ds, your sister felt a need to interfer by going in to sympathize and grill him, then compound that error by coming out and proceeding to grill and accuse and interrogate dh and you! I would have been furious at her interference and undermining. It was none of her business and we would have told her so. I likely would have put some effort to getting that point across nicer than my usual bluntness. But I would have got it across nonetheless.

 

Then to add more insult, she gives this BS about calling CPS?!

 

The end. She would not be welcome in my home. I would not be going to hers either. I wouldn't make a fuss. I'd just stop.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I don't think I'd raise a big fuss over it either. I would simply stop answering calls and go on with my life.

[Virg]

Ugh! That would have sent me into a fear flight. I have a RAD teenager daughter and one of my biggest fears is that someone who does not understand special needs kids would overhear one of our conversations or would dare to try to talk to my daughter while we are in the midst of an episode and then threaten to call DCF. I would totally put some distance between myself and the threatening person. My aunt told me a few months ago that she thought I was making the RAD stuff up and she has not seen or talked to my daughter since. I refuse to risk it.

Some of the things I've said to that child... well, I totally understand where your DH was coming from. Everyone has a breaking point. Some of us have been pushed there way to many times. It hurts the most, though, when family, people who are supposed to KNOW you, think the worst. I've been dealing with that a lot this past year.

I'm so sorry! :grouphug: to you and your DH.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

Yes we have one RAD and one mildly RAD plus FAS, ODD etc. That kind of thing freaks me out. Add to that different cultures. My husband's family is black and they routinely say things like, "I'm gonna whip you" or You better go to your room before I beat you" etc etc. None of the kids in their families even flinch, to them it just means I'm mad and you need to stop misbehaving. Honestly, some of the things my husband's family says makes me uncomfortable but I have to take their culture into account and it obviously means nothing to them. It isn't really a threat to violence because there is no intent.

 

My family said things like "You're cruising for a bruising" or "Do you need me to smack your mouth?" I have never thought of any of it as abuse or anything close to it, or honestly even inappropriate. However we were spanked and I don't consider that abuse either so you have to take my opinion with a grain of salt if you do.

 

I am a mandatory reporter and in all of the classes I have taken your DH's comment is no where close to the reportable list we were given. I would stay away from your sister. That is too crazy that she would be willing to even think of jeopardizing your family (in her opinion).

Edited December 26, 2011 by ds4159

[Virg]

There's a major lack of boundaries and respect. I would either minimize or cut off contact.

 

I'm a mandatory reporter myself and go through the training every year, and I'd be in big trouble for reporting something on the basis of a single incident. The training I went through emphasized what are ordinary mistakes in parenting that are resolved versus a pattern of poor parenting and/or abuse. Of course there are problems with the system that we all hear about, but it is really designed to catch significant abuse, not torment ordinary parents who occasionally get angry, don't give the kids a full breakfast on a particular day, send them to school without a coat because the kid lost it the day before, etc. etc.

 

For someone to threaten reporting like this is just WRONG.

:iagree: This is what we were taught in our classes also.

[TranquilMind]

Agreed! However, even threatening reporting is pretty awful. You should limit your contact with your sister. That being said, your ds may continue these power plays and may make claims to unrelated mandatory reporters. Your husband should look into better ways to manage his relationship witth your son and be more cautious about what he says.

Agree with all this. Your husband is going to have to stop saying things like that, just because it is the right thing to do. But gee, your sister threatening to report her own sister and her husband for something she didn't witness when the kid is fine? Wow. I can't even believe that.

[TranquilMind]

I'd be more concerned as to why she was undermining your parenting by talking to your ds at all. He's a pre-teen, the world is going to be "out to get him". Your dh did the right thing by walking away.

 

I'd keep my distance for a considerable while with her because clearly it doesn't bring out the best in either of you.

This is a VERY good question. Why did she decide to go talk to your son? Is this customary? Looks like she was gathering evidence to me.

[TranquilMind]

Exactly. I was often told I was "crusin for a bruisin," but never even had a spanking my entire life. Knock you into next week was also sometimes used, lol.

I think almost all of my generation heard these phrases growing up.

[ktgrok]

just finally talked in detail wiht my husband. He never used the word punched, and didn't touch the kid.

[Trish]

Wow. You have my sympathies, for sure. Normal family tensions at a holiday time, and your sister is going all "DCF" on you? I wouldn't say that kidding, half kidding, or even informationally unless the situation truly warranted it. Which it obviously didn't. So, she's way out of line. But for her to even mention that would concern me as to how safe it is to be around her. All it would take is for her to misinterpret something, and suddenly you cuold be facing a VERY ugly and serious issue! With REAL consquences.

 

I guess I'd be tempted to keep my distance. If she brings it up maybe you can laughingly say, "well, I never reported you for stealing the school's IPOD, I'm worred about having THAT on my conscience..."

 

When she asks if you're kidding say, "of COURSE!" Wink.

 

Really, this goes way beyond competitiveness. It's the emotionally equivalent of joking about burning your house down. Accidentally. haha. Weird!

[Dustybug]

 

My husband's family is black and they routinely say things like, "I'm gonna whip you" or You better go to your room before I beat you" etc etc. None of the kids in their families even flinch, to them it just means I'm mad and you need to stop misbehaving. Honestly, some of the things my husband's family says makes me uncomfortable but I have to take their culture into account and it obviously means nothing to them. It isn't really a threat to violence because there is no intent.

 

 

:001_huh: Uh, I'm 1/2 black and just because someone is black doesn't mean saying things like this is "part of the culture." Heck, I'm married to a self-proclaimed redneck who is white as all get out, and HE would say that. lol:lol:

[Virg]

I didn't say it was part of all black culture but it is definitely part of my husband's family and friends. I have never known anyone in my life who has talked to the extreme they do but one of my friends is from the south and said it was pretty common there. :confused: Who knows. I wasn't saying it as a racial thing although my husband is convinced it is, he seems to do the opposite of whatever his family does though.

 

Sorry if I offended you, I truly did not mean to.

[unsinkable]

just finally talked in detail wiht my husband. He never used the word punched, and didn't touch the kid.

that is funny

 

130 plus posts later :lol:

 

Oh well. Nothin to see here folks. Move along.

[happyhomemaker25]

just finally talked in detail wiht my husband. He never used the word punched, and didn't touch the kid.

 

UGH! So, that's what your son told your sister? Yep, if she's gonna believe everything he says you better stay away. That's what I have to do with my RAD girl. She loves the attention and would love to see me get in trouble. I don't know if that's how it is with your son.

I'm so very sorry.

[TravelingChris]

I agree with Audrey, Martha, and the scores of others who say to stay away from your sister. She is seriously dangerous.

 

I also agree that there is nothing to report even if he had said what your son claimed. Getting angry and yelling at a child during an argument isn't reportable.

 

I also agree with others to take your son to the doctor tomorrow and get him checked out and do the best to get your house in order. Your sister is skewed in her thinking and I would not have anything to do with her anymore. Sounds like your son needs a quieter Christmas anyway.

 

I don't have an aspie here but do have a hormonal severely ADHD girl who yesterday had a fit because she accidentally hit her sister with a WII remote while playing a dual person game. Yes, that is right=she hit her sister by mistake and ended up having the fit. It was near to the time when she needed her medicine, it was the wrong time of month, and it was Christmas. As she is older now, she didn't end up damaging anything or hurting anyone or doing anything except screaming and slamming doors. She also decided to go on a walk to calm down. Later on, she apologized to me (for having the fit) and to her sister (for accidentally hitting her). But I do so understand about your son. He is younger, at an age where the hormones are a big factor, and has a more severe issue than my dd. Her problems disappear with medication, his don't. But I can give you a strong warning that you also need some counseling for your son. IF sometime someone calls the police or CPS or any other authority while he is having a fit, he is the one who is likely to get arrested. That will become even more so the case as he gets older.

[pdalley]

UGH! So, that's what your son told your sister? Yep, if she's gonna believe everything he says you better stay away. That's what I have to do with my RAD girl. She loves the attention and would love to see me get in trouble. I don't know if that's how it is with your son.

I'm so very sorry.

 

My middle Aspie is easily lead through questions. He also does not get that if you pick at people long enough they will pick back and insists that he's being bullied. (When it really is just someone tired of his picking at them giving it back to him) It's a perception thing - my Aspies are not good at taking another person's perspective. So to them it sounds like one thing and really can be something else entirely. Or look like one thing and be another. He accidently hit his brother with his golf club - youngest is fine, this happened a year ago - and somehow he decided he was the victim!

 

Again Op - :grouphug:

[tex-mex]

that is funny

 

130 plus posts later :lol:

 

Oh well. Nothin to see here folks. Move along.

:svengo:

[Old Dominion Heather]

- She loves you. Evidenced by her concern over the homebirth thing, which, I know, really annoyed you. But she loves you and she thought you were doing something dangerous. Even if you didn't think so, she loves you enough to care.

 

-She loves your son. She checked on him after this incident and followed up with you. It had to be upsetting and embarrassing for them to have had that outburst. It might have been better if she had followed up with your dh, but I would have been angry and concerned about what happened...

 

-She wants to be closer to you. She has called twice, you said.

 

Bottom line is that she loves you... and that is a good thing. It would be terrible to feel totally rejected by your sister.

Edited December 27, 2011 by Old Dominion Heather

[gardenmom5]

My middle Aspie is easily lead through questions. He also does not get that if you pick at people long enough they will pick back and insists that he's being bullied. (When it really is just someone tired of his picking at them giving it back to him) It's a perception thing - my Aspies are not good at taking another person's perspective. So to them it sounds like one thing and really can be something else entirely. Or look like one thing and be another. He accidently hit his brother with his golf club - youngest is fine, this happened a year ago - and somehow he decided he was the victim!

 

Again Op - :grouphug:

 

:iagree: when 2ds would get bumped or such, he would *always* insist it was intentional. even incidents I witnessed firsthand and were *clearly* accidents, he would insist were deliberate hits/shoves/etc against him.

[happyhomemaker25]

I agree with this. I would have laid anyone out who made the comment about "punching". Not ok. He is the adult... he needs to walk away.

 

If I had witnessed a scene on the level that she did, I would have been concerned. I would appreciate that she was worried, and honestly, it sounds like your mom was worried as well.

 

- She loves you. Evidenced by her concern over the homebirth thing, which, I know, really annoyed you. But she loves you and she thought you were doing something dangerous. Even if you didn't think so, she loves you enough to care.

 

-She loves your son. She checked on him after this incident and followed up with you. It had to be upsetting and embarrassing for them to have had that outburst. It might have been better if she had followed up with your dh, but I would have been angry and concerned about what happened...

 

-She wants to be closer to you. She has called twice, you said.

 

Bottom line is that she loves you... and that is a good thing. It would be terrible to feel totally rejected by your sister.

 

Having been in the OP's place in the past year I will say it does not feel like love when your family, who is supposed to think the best of you, decides the worst about you before even hearing the whole story. Someone just said Aspies are easily led in coversation and feel like they are the victim a lot. My RAD will tell you a lie before she'd ever tell you the truth. Anything to make me look bad and her look like a victim.

It does not feel like love when your constantly being judged and your just trying to make the best choices for your family which looks really different from most families. My family that does not know me well enough or think well enough of me to know that I would never hurt my child despite what she might say can not be a part of our lives. It's hard raising a special needs kid anyway, you don't need your family blowing everything out of proportion!

She just updated above and said her DH did not say anything about punching him. The sister should have never just believed the kid. If she's like my family she has no desire for truth only judgement.

[Old Dominion Heather]

Having been in the OP's place in the past year I will say it does not feel like love when your family, who is supposed to think the best of you, decides the worst about you before even hearing the whole story. Someone just said Aspies are easily led in coversation and feel like they are the victim a lot. My RAD will tell you a lie before she'd ever tell you the truth. Anything to make me look bad and her look like a victim.

It does not feel like love when your constantly being judged and your just trying to make the best choices for your family which looks really different from most families. My family that does not know me well enough or think well enough of me to know that I would never hurt my child despite what she might say can not be a part of our lives. It's hard raising a special needs kid anyway, you don't need your family blowing everything out of proportion!

She just updated above and said her DH did not say anything about punching him. The sister should have never just believed the kid. If she's like my family she has no desire for truth only judgement.

 

To the bold. Yes, I saw that and updated my response above. We must have posted at the same time.

 

 

And as far as raising a special needs child... Yes. I know. I have one.

 

I also have a sister who would occasionally call me on my parenting skills, and she had no kids. But the criticisms were not undeserved and they were always voiced in love and concern. We disagreed radically about about many things but I appreciate the openness in our relationship. It was great that we could be open with each other even when we were upset with each other. I would have been devastated if I had lost my relationship with her over a misunderstanding.

 

I'm sorry that your relationship with your family isn't better. That must be terrible. But that dynamic doesn't sound like what was happening in the OP's posts.

[ktgrok]

The best description of our dynamic, for those wondering, is she is on a quest to be "right" or better at something compared to me. that is how it feels, anyway. I have no idea why.

[Janie Grace]

The best description of our dynamic, for those wondering, is she is on a quest to be "right" or better at something compared to me. that is how it feels, anyway. I have no idea why.

 

My SIL is this way. It probably has nothing to do with you. She's desperately insecure. Love her as best you can, encourage her about her successes/strengths, etc. but try to make peace with the fact that she has issues.

 

Sorry about the incident. I agree with those who said she was out of line and her threat will def. create distance, which is sad.

[2cents]

- She loves you. Evidenced by her concern over the homebirth thing, which, I know, really annoyed you. But she loves you and she thought you were doing something dangerous. Even if you didn't think so, she loves you enough to care.

 

-She loves your son. She checked on him after this incident and followed up with you. It had to be upsetting and embarrassing for them to have had that outburst. It might have been better if she had followed up with your dh, but I would have been angry and concerned about what happened...

 

-She wants to be closer to you. She has called twice, you said.

 

Bottom line is that she loves you... and that is a good thing. It would be terrible to feel totally rejected by your sister.

 

I'm not convinced it is completely safe to assume any of this. I don't believe that any family member that loves another and is in a position to know the ramifications of a CPS report from a mandated reporter (I was one and this is SERIOUS) would go there. I've seen CPS destroy families. You are dealing with a govt agency that is usually understaffed, undertrained and in too many cases staffed with bullies on a real power trip. I know what I'm talking about...I worked with the agency (I was in another agency-not cps). I would not wish being entered into that system on my worst enemy. There are better ways for a family member to express concern and offer help. This was NOT it.

 

If her sister was truly concerned and wanted to do the right thing then she would have offered solutions that wouldn't include fear, intimidation, distrust and now a family rift.

[angela in ohio]

Many people misunderstand what being a mandated reporter means: what must be reported and how that information is used. They think it is a status symbol or something. :confused:

 

Many who work in the public school system also just don't know much about children.

 

:grouphug: It stinks your sister is such a pain and doesn't get it. I would just let it go.

Edited December 27, 2011 by angela in ohio

[bettyandbob]

- She loves you. Evidenced by her concern over the homebirth thing, which, I know, really annoyed you. But she loves you and she thought you were doing something dangerous. Even if you didn't think so, she loves you enough to care.

 

-She loves your son. She checked on him after this incident and followed up with you. It had to be upsetting and embarrassing for them to have had that outburst. It might have been better if she had followed up with your dh, but I would have been angry and concerned about what happened...

 

-She wants to be closer to you. She has called twice, you said.

 

Bottom line is that she loves you... and that is a good thing. It would be terrible to feel totally rejected by your sister.

 

I don't get this vibe from the op's description the of the sister's behavior. I do get that she may feign "love" to get something she wants or justify her behavior, up her status with the op and sister's own mother, whatever. But I don't see love. I see attention seeking. I see power. I suspect the sister may say love justifies her behavior.

 

I think the sister has the potential to be dangerous. I think if these families interact in the future it won't just be issues with the ds and stepfather, but the sister will find problems with the toddler dd too because she is competition for her own daughter.

[ciyates]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I am sorry your sister is being this way. After the anger goes away it must hurt that she can't just be your sister and support you.

 

Again I am just really sorry you don't have her support.

[angela in ohio]

I routinely tell my children I am going to beat them like red-headed stepchildren,

 

I often say this because dh WAS a red-headed step-child. It's a big joke in our family. Someone in our family threatens it, then we look at dh pointedly and say, "Oh, so sorry!" :lol:

 

Exactly. I was often told I was "crusin for a bruisin," but never even had a spanking my entire life. Knock you into next week was also sometimes used, lol.

 

I thought we were the only family with that phrase. Everyone on my dad's side uses that phrase routinely. They also threat RSABs, knuckle sandwiches, etc. They were Irish immigrants only a generation back, and I think we are just prone to violent chatter. :lol: