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how would you respond to my sister?


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Or really, how would you handle this?

 

My younger sister is a vice principal at a highschool, and has been in competition with me all my life. I have no idea why. I don't have a competitive bone in my body, but she has told me many times she feels that I am smarter/superior, etc. Whatever. We usually can get along for about 24 hours. We went over that this weekend :(

 

She and her husband and daughter showed up at my parents' house right after my family did. But her daughter had a cold....runny nose and fever, feeling cranky. She apparantly came down with the fever as they were packing the car, but they came anyway as they "couldn't miss Christmas." Fine...I realized there was no way to keep my kids away from the germs and just let it go. (and washed hands a lot). But various comments she made were grating on me, and my husband more than me. Whatever.

 

This morning my Aspie 12 year old was in rare form. He was very ungrateful for his gifts and got in trouble with me. Later he got into a big argument with my husband, blatantly defying him to his face. At this point my husband told him something along the lines of "I'm going to get your mom before I end up punching you!" and went to get me to deal with him. He bumped into him, knocking into his shoulder a bit as he walked by. (my son demonstrated to me later...it was a bump because my son was blocking his path being all "tough."). Son stormed off when I didn't take his side and slammed into the guest bedroom at my parents. My mom and sister apparently went in there to talk to him, while i was loading gifts and packing up. He told them somehting about what happend, at which point my sister questions my husband as to whether he "pushed Michael", then after he says no comes to me to question me as to if he "pushed him to the ground" and "threatened him" as she is "a mandatory reporter to DCF and could lose her job for not reporting this, even if it didn't happen she is supposed to report a child's statement." I was upset before this, but being interrogated by my sister, who KNOWS the child is not abused, and her even MENTIONING she would report us to DCF has me beyond angry!! She then backtracked and said "of course I'm not GOING to report it, but I have to talk to you about it and check into it, since I'm not reporting it, and could lose my job, etc." Seriously????? You are my SISTER!!! The kid is FINE! Yes, husband yelled at him and lost his temper. It's his first Christmas since his mother died, his first as an orphan really, and now his step son is acting like a brat, and yeah, he yelled, but to bring up DCF? NOw I don't think I ever want to be around her for fear of what she will do. I don't think she will report this, and she called me again and said she wouldn't, and asked if I was speaking to her. I told her yes, but I'm really stressed out and having DCF mentioned really didn't help.

 

I don't know what to do about this. My husband is furious. FURIOUS. He never wants to see her again. Oh, and miss by the books sister isn't always such a stickler for rules. She told me the Ipod Touch her 1 year old is playing with was stolen property turned in at a school she was Dean at years ago, that went unclaimed. Rather than turn it in to the police she kept it all this time. So I don't for one minute believe she is just a rules all the time person.

 

Ugh. So...any thoughts?

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I am a mandatory reporter and would have read that situation very differently. Your dh knew he was very angry and chose to get someone who would handle things in a calmer fashion.

 

I would be very hesitant to spend anytime with my sister if I were in your shoes. I am glad she spoke with your son and gathered info, but even bringing up reporting was very immature.

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:iagree:

 

She really has something in for you it sounds like, I would stay clear.

 

You cannot control your sister, but you can control what your family is exposed to.

 

Dawn

 

I am a mandatory reporter and would have read that situation very differently. Your dh knew he was very angry and chose to get someone who would handle things in a calmer fashion.

 

I would be very hesitant to spend anytime with my sister if I were in your shoes. I am glad she spoke with your son and gathered info, but even bringing up reporting was very immature.

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she didn't witness it.

 

My Aspie DS will totally misread situations like that and blow them way out of proportion. He once told a Sunday school teacher that his father cussed him out. Actually, what DH said was something along the lines of "shut the blankety-blank door!" (not his finest moment, but a far cry from being cussed out)

 

I would just give it some time and distance. My sister is a teacher and completely gets how Aspies are. I would think your sister would, as well. Sorry about this. I know it's stressful.

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I am a mandatory reporter and would have read that situation very differently. Your dh knew he was very angry and chose to get someone who would handle things in a calmer fashion.

 

I would be very hesitant to spend anytime with my sister if I were in your shoes. I am glad she spoke with your son and gathered info, but even bringing up reporting was very immature.

 

Thank you. That is indeed how he meant it. And if a stranger heard this conversation I could see how they would possibly be concerned, not knowing if dh meant it as a real threat, my sister has known him for years and knows how well he treats my family. He has never lifted a FINGER to the kids. We don't even spank for heaven's sake! She knows that. It very much felt like a power trip to me.

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What you describe here does not qualify as something that needs to be reported. If it were reported, it is likely that it would not be referred for investigation.

 

Your dh did not handle the situation well. As your son gets bigger, stronger, and further into adolescence this type of situation will likely recur. I think that some time with a male therapist who is also experienced with teen aspies would provide your dh with some better tools for handling this relationship. This is important both for the sake of the relationship but also because your husband would be in a more tenuous position in the eyes of the law as a step-parent should an investigation ever occur. Being proactive about this NOW will save a world of escalation later down the line.

 

Your sister's stupid power play didn't help anyone and I would be LIVID with her. Since she has played the mandated reporter card you have very little choice but to put some distance in your relationship. She has clearly told you she cannot be trusted. Do not leave your children alone with her and do not confide ANY of the aspie struggles to her or to anyone who might communicate such struggles to her. If she continues to threaten to report to DCS, tell her to go ahead--it will remove her power in this situation since very little is likely to come of such a report anyway.

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I am a mandatory reporter and would have read that situation very differently. Your dh knew he was very angry and chose to get someone who would handle things in a calmer fashion.

 

I would be very hesitant to spend anytime with my sister if I were in your shoes. I am glad she spoke with your son and gathered info, but even bringing up reporting was very immature.

 

Me too. Also a mandatory reporter and I agree.

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She was in the house, correct? Sorry, but if my nephew's stepfather was talking about punching him at family gatherings, I would be concerned as well.

 

The incident happened outside, in the driveway. I guess I see what you mean, but she knows my husband, and has for years, and knows I don't even believe in spanking, let alone punching kids. The "threat" was not "I'm going to punch you" it was "i'm getting your mother before I punch you", in the way of saying I'm losing my patience and going to get someone else to handle this. I agree he shouldn't have lost his temper, or been so graphic, and he admits that too. My parents were also there and saw nothing wrong with what happened, know that dh wouldn't actually be violent, and commiserated on the perils of adolescence.

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While it sounds like your dh lost his cool, but what family doesn't have a moment like this occasionally? Rather than help cool the situation down and help your dh and ds work through the anger, she threw gas on a fire with her threat.

 

She crossed a line. The child protective services thing was unnecessary and betrayed a family trust

 

Don't the good folks at protective services have children to help in desperate need? Why would anyone think it's rational to waste their time on nonsense like this?

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What you describe here does not qualify as something that needs to be reported. If it were reported, it is likely that it would not be referred for investigation.

 

Your dh did not handle the situation well. As your son gets bigger, stronger, and further into adolescence this type of situation will likely recur. I think that some time with a male therapist who is also experienced with teen aspies would provide your dh with some better tools for handling this relationship. This is important both for the sake of the relationship but also because your husband would be in a more tenuous position in the eyes of the law as a step-parent should an investigation ever occur. Being proactive about this NOW will save a world of escalation later down the line.

 

Your sister's stupid power play didn't help anyone and I would be LIVID with her. Since she has played the mandated reporter card you have very little choice but to put some distance in your relationship. She has clearly told you she cannot be trusted. Do not leave your children alone with her and do not confide ANY of the aspie struggles to her or to anyone who might communicate such struggles to her. If she continues to threaten to report to DCS, tell her to go ahead--it will remove her power in this situation since very little is likely to come of such a report anyway.

 

Agreed! However, even threatening reporting is pretty awful. You should limit your contact with your sister. That being said, your ds may continue these power plays and may make claims to unrelated mandatory reporters. Your husband should look into better ways to manage his relationship witth your son and be more cautious about what he says.

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What's funny is I was feeling guilty for not spending much time with her, and my niece. They only live about 40 minutes from me, and we never see each other. I no longer feel guilty.

 

This is the same sister that lectured me about the safety of homebirth, and referred to hypnobirthing as a cult that would keep me from taking care of myself during labor or seeking needed medical attention. When I confronted her and didn't back down she reverted to crying and hysterics.

 

I love her, but I'm often flabbergasted that we are related. I'm sure she feels the same way.

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What's funny is I was feeling guilty for not spending much time with her, and my niece. They only live about 40 minutes from me, and we never see each other. I no longer feel guilty.

 

This is the same sister that lectured me about the safety of homebirth, and referred to hypnobirthing as a cult that would keep me from taking care of myself during labor or seeking needed medical attention. When I confronted her and didn't back down she reverted to crying and hysterics.

 

I love her, but I'm often flabbergasted that we are related. I'm sure she feels the same way.

 

I feel for you as she is your sister. BUT, to protect my dh and kids, there is NO WAY I would spend time around her. She could potentially try to shatter your family in minutes. No thanks, no one is worth that.

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it sounds to me like her sister is trying to prove herself. If there is a history of competitive feelings and insecurity......

 

Dawn

 

The problem is that your sister is a dumb@$$ and thinks she is the smartest one in the room.

 

Run away.

 

You are in a lot of danger around her. Really.

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She is "a mandatory reporter to DCF and could lose her job for not reporting this, even if it didn't happen she is supposed to report a child's statement." I was upset before this, but being interrogated by my sister, who KNOWS the child is not abused, and her even MENTIONING she would report us to DCF has me beyond angry!! She then backtracked and said "of course I'm not GOING to report it, but I have to talk to you about it and check into it, since I'm not reporting it, and could lose my job, etc." Seriously????? You are my SISTER!!!

 

IMO, your sister needs to get over her self-important sense of her little, bad self. I was a mandatory reporter, too. In fact, I was the social worker sent out to investigate. :toetap05: You can have the job without the power trip, you can have the role without letting it go to your head. Just my two cents.

 

I do agree that your son will learn to manipulate situations like this, if your husband doesn't learn to manage them better. :grouphug:

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Thanks everyone. I didn't let my son know about the whole mandatory reporter/DCF thing, as I don't need to put ideas into his head. So he didnt' do that on purpose, thankfully. Just exaggerated to make himself look the victim. Honestly, he was the "big kid", and there was a LOT of fuss going on about the two toddler girls there, and I think his nose was bent out of shape. Usually he gets more time on his own with Grandma. Add in the aspie issues and it was NOT a good Christmas for him. I'm seroiusly thinking of changing our plans for future years.

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it sounds to me like her sister is trying to prove herself. If there is a history of competitive feelings and insecurity......

 

Dawn

 

There is that but there is an underlying theme - acting harmfully, without actual compassion in the name of acting compassionately. People with that mindset can ruin your life and never quite see what they have done wrong.

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The easy way out is to cut her out of your life...nope do not do that.

 

Grace...loads of it needs to be extended...just because your sister lacked it does not mean that you should not model it. Your sister 'should' apologize to you and your husband...some natural fears here, he is a stepfather and of a son with challenges...not an easy recipe for success. Your husband needs to apologize to you and your son for 'losing it'...your son needs to apologize for his attitude (regardless of challenges)...and you all need to agree on how to handle the situation before it escalates as it did.

 

You can only control your feelings, accept your sister's apology if that is what it was...be wiser but nonetheless loving towards her and hold no grudges....her first concern was for your son (however overreactive)... In my book you can never have enough around you that love your children.

 

Mind the gap is an English phrase for riding the subway...here I would say Mind the grace.

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There is that but there is an underlying theme - acting harmfully, without actual compassion in the name of acting compassionately. People with that mindset can ruin your life and never quite see what they have done wrong.

 

:iagree: My DW and I call them 'True Believers.' They are the ones who anonymously report the HSers because, 'I saw them outside once on a school day! They're truant!'

 

They call animal control because it rained 3 inches the night before, and your horse happens to be standing in wet mud for a few hours.

 

They see your septic tank is not up to current code (grandfathered none the less) and suggest they need to report you to the authorities, even as you are gathering quotes to have it upgraded.

 

Ill informed, do-gooder busybodies...very dangerous.

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The easy way out is to cut her out of your life...nope do not do that.

 

Grace...loads of it needs to be extended...just because your sister lacked it does not mean that you should not model it. Your sister 'should' apologize to you and your husband...some natural fears here, he is a stepfather and of a son with challenges...not an easy recipe for success. Your husband needs to apologize to you and your son for 'losing it'...your son needs to apologize for his attitude (regardless of challenges)...and you all need to agree on how to handle the situation before it escalates as it did.

 

You can only control your feelings, accept your sister's apology if that is what it was...be wiser but nonetheless loving towards her and hold no grudges....her first concern was for your son (however overreactive)... In my book you can never have enough around you that love your children.

 

Mind the gap is an English phrase for riding the subway...here I would say Mind the grace.

 

Thank you. She has called twice this afternoon, and I've been polite and minded my tongue. She has not apologized.

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What you describe here does not qualify as something that needs to be reported. If it were reported, it is likely that it would not be referred for investigation.

 

Your dh did not handle the situation well. As your son gets bigger, stronger, and further into adolescence this type of situation will likely recur. I think that some time with a male therapist who is also experienced with teen aspies would provide your dh with some better tools for handling this relationship. This is important both for the sake of the relationship but also because your husband would be in a more tenuous position in the eyes of the law as a step-parent should an investigation ever occur. Being proactive about this NOW will save a world of escalation later down the line.

 

Your sister's stupid power play didn't help anyone and I would be LIVID with her. Since she has played the mandated reporter card you have very little choice but to put some distance in your relationship.

:iagree:

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You've had enough stress for one Christmas. Give yourself a break to have 'no response' to her for at least a week which may turn into a month. Your sister has a problem. Even if she is confused, a dumb*&$, etc, she's still sent a message loud and clear. It would be remiss of you to ignore this. DH certainly hasn't

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You've had enough stress for one Christmas. Give yourself a break to have 'no response' to her for at least a week which may turn into a month. Your sister has a problem. Even if she is confused, a dumb*&$, etc, she's still sent a message loud and clear. It would be remiss of you to ignore this. DH certainly hasn't

 

You are right. I feel that she has placed her self, unknowingly or not, on the list of potential threats to my family. I will be polite, but she is on that list, and we will handle dealings with her accordingly.

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considering the background - your sister is:

1) competitive towards you, and

2) *she* gave *her* daughter stolen property instead of giving it to the POLICE,

3) she made a threat to report an unintended minor incident to DCF (and even if it was unintended, your husband is a man - re: he's considered guilty, you are his wife - re: you are considered to cover for him before your child, and they can make your life miserable) - that agencies will expend resources with those when children who are locked outside and starved to death by their parents go uninvestigated until the coroner is involved is the obscenity.

4) she *keeps* referring to it. (the next time she does, I'd ask her about that solen ipod her daughter plays with. - and refer to her having referred to it as stolen.)

 

I'd never see her in person, or at least never with your children around. especially an aspie who can do so many things as part of their disability that makes outsiders think you have an abused kid, or at least a spoiled brat.

 

(santa claus told me he'd give my 6yo aspie a lump of coal because he freaked out over having his picture taken. Hello? he's an aspie! we got a picture of him whispering in santa's ear. he didn't know his picture was being taken for that shot. it's adorable.)

 

I'd also pay a heck of alot of attention to my mother's interaction regarding the relationship between me and my sister. (my sister was encouraged to be competitive towards me - by my grandmother, and to a lessor extent, my mother. It was extremely damaging.)

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I have issues with people who are competitive with me when I have displayed and stated no desire to compete. It drives me crazy. Typically, I avoid those type of people because they rob the joy out of activities. I have to expel so much energy to try to be pleasant, ignore their competitiveness, and make sure my actions do not encourage that behavior; it's exhausting and not worth it.

 

However, this game that she is playing is dangerous. I'm sure she was trying to impress you. At some point you are going to have to make it clear that you no longer want to play this game - or participate in it against your will. While your husband's wording was not ideal, she should have known better based on what she has observed all these years. As much as I want to show her grace, this poses to be a potentially bad situation.

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. . .This is the same sister that lectured me about the safety of homebirth, and referred to hypnobirthing as a cult that would keep me from taking care of myself during labor or seeking needed medical attention. When I confronted her and didn't back down she reverted to crying and hysterics.

. . . . .

 

:confused: huh?

have you read any of the narcisstic personality disorder/borderline personality disorder threads? that is a classic manipulation ploy.

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While it sounds like your dh lost his cool, but what family doesn't have a moment like this occasionally? Rather than help cool the situation down and help your dh and ds work through the anger, she threw gas on a fire with her threat.

 

She crossed a line. The child protective services thing was unnecessary and betrayed a family trust

 

Don't the good folks at protective services have children to help in desperate need? Why would anyone think it's rational to waste their time on nonsense like this?

 

:iagree:

 

The holidays are a stressful time. Blow-ups happen. Your sister should have taken your DH's past behavior into consideration, at the very least.

 

IMO, people really need to use some common sense before they report or threaten to report parents for things like this...how much more stress are they causing for the kids?

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she reverted to crying and hysterics.

 

 

 

I'd pass the bean dip when required to be near her. No more confronting, no more her going in and talking to emotional son, however, to make your family safe from all, hubby needs to control his temper. I know it can be hard. I'd promise to never submit him to her presence again, but I'd ask he own some of this snarl as well. I wouldn't, however, let the 12 year old see that conversation.

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Implying that he would have if handing the reigns to someone else wasn't possible? Sorry. In our home we don't consider it okay to even IMPLY violence against children.

 

 

Am I the only parent that has said something stupid in the heat of the moment that I would never actually act on? :confused: Are parents never supposed to make mistakes - ever? Cause I am in a lot of trouble and I suspect many of my friend's are as well. If I do, then yes, I apologize later and explain why I shouldn't have said such a thing. But for my kids to think I NEVER make a mistake or NEVER say something I shouldn't have doesn't give them a fair picture of people. People are imperfect and they say things when they have reached their absolute limit.

 

The sister is completely out of line. She has no clue what it is like dealing with Aspie or Aspie like behavior and to make matters worse she sounds as if she thinks she knows everything there is to know about everything.

 

Last Christmas my middle son destroyed his brand new DS two days after getting it. To make it worse he hid it from me. When I discovered it - at the bottom of the smelliest trash I'd emptied all year - I was so angry I had to drive him to his father. And I told him I was too angry to be around him at that moment. I said it in a calm tone of voice. I did not yell at him. I simply drove him to his father until I could cool down and let DH deal with the issue. I want my kids - my very literal kids - to learn how to handle being that angry. To vocalize that one needs to remove oneself to prevent bad behavior is a very important lesson for my kids to learn. To understand that everyone has their breaking point is another.

 

After I had calmed down and the two returned home, I explained I was infuriated that he had hidden it from me more than I was upset that he had destroyed a 200 dollar gaming system. He seems to understand the importance of giving himself a time out now. I never threatened to hit him or hurt him but I told him I was too upset to be around him and took him to where he was safe. I see nothing wrong with vocalizing that to a child - though in this case it was probably a bit over the top and in an exasperated frustrated moment.

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Am I the only parent that has said something stupid in the heat of the moment that I would never actually act on? :confused:

 

Exactly. He was NOT going to hit him. He has never hit him. He never would hit him. It was an expression of frustration. An innapropriate one, but not child abuse. My son was upset because he didn't like be told what to do, not because he feared for his safety.

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Am I the only parent that has said something stupid in the heat of the moment that I would never actually act on? :confused: Are parents never supposed to make mistakes - ever? Cause I am in a lot of trouble and I suspect many of my friend's are as well. If I do, then yes, I apologize later and explain why I shouldn't have said such a thing. But for my kids to think I NEVER make a mistake or NEVER say something I shouldn't have doesn't give them a fair picture of people. People are imperfect and they say things when they have reached their absolute limit.

 

.

 

This......

 

I agree with those who have said keep your distance. Your sister has openly shown that she isn't to be trusted. As a homeschooler, the last thing you need to worry about is child protective services nosing into your business. I commend your husband for knowing his limits and for knowing when it was time to walk away. I can't believe that your sister can't see that. Definitely keep your distance from her, and protect your privacy, as it seems that anything can and will be turned against you.

 

.....and this.

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I agree with those who have said keep your distance. Your sister has openly shown that she isn't to be trusted. As a homeschooler, the last thing you need to worry about is child protective services nosing into your business. I commend your husband for knowing his limits and for knowing when it was time to walk away. I can't believe that your sister can't see that. Definitely keep your distance from her, and protect your privacy, as it seems that anything can and will be turned against you.

 

true. My husband mentioned that this would be a particularly bad time to be investigated as we are remodeling after a flood in the kitchen. There is still a faint smell of mildew in the air (he removed all the affected drywall already), and furniture is crowded all in to two rooms as he is doing the work a bit at a time. The place looks a wreck as it is nearly impossible to keep clean this way. Oh, and we barely have a functioning kitchen....the counters are currently stands of two by four while we wait for the cabinets we ordered to arrive.

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