Would this be an evil SIL thing to do?- Poll

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Without going into too many details, my dh has been financially supporting his mother for over 20 yrs. I have no problem with this. However, dh's business is directly affected by the economy and he is not making his usual amount of income. We are barely making ends meet at this point. He has asked his siblings to help. His sister has said she would help, but so far, we haven't seen any actual cash. His brother claims to have no extra money. However, the brother has a blog (which dh has never seen) on which he posts pictures of all the stuff he's bought for his "rare" collections. Would you direct your dh to this blog so he can see that his brother does in fact have extra money to spend on his hobbies? Or would this be overstepping my bounds?

[itsheresomewhere]

Show him. Some people can't see the facts until you spell it out for them.

[MariannNOVA]

Without being sarcastic, antagonistic, negative and without getting my back up (these are things that I would have to guard against -- not saying that any of that applies to you), I would show my dh the blog -- I would be as neutral as I could be. I would show the blog so that my dh would have supporting evidence that others in a position of responsibility needed a nudge to step up and assume that position of responsibility.

 

HTH

[Mommyfaithe]

Without being sarcastic, antagonistic, negative and without getting my back up (these are things that I would have to guard against -- not saying that any of that applies to you), I would show my dh the blog -- I would be as neutral as I could be. I would show the blog so that my dh would have supporting evidence that others in a position of responsibility needed a nudge to step up and assume that position of responsibility.

 

HTH

 

Yep. This is what I would TRY to do....but would probably botch terribly....resulting in someone being ticked at me. I would do it anyway.

Faithe

[Mimmy]

I would show him but offer no commentary.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I would tread lightly when it comes to family. I would definitely talk to dh about it "Did you see the new things that your brother bought for his collection?" And then maybe show him. I wouldn't just go right into "Your brother says he can't afford to help and yet he buys this unnecessary stuff!" You don't want to be seen as a trouble maker in the family.

 

Dh should probably make a budget of what his mom needs every month so that they can see what the situation is and then put in what he's able to help with so they can see the shortfall and know exactly what they need to contribute.

[Parrothead]

Without being sarcastic, antagonistic, negative and without getting my back up (these are things that I would have to guard against -- not saying that any of that applies to you), I would show my dh the blog -- I would be as neutral as I could be. I would show the blog so that my dh would have supporting evidence that others in a position of responsibility needed a nudge to step up and assume that position of responsibility.

 

HTH

:iagree: Exactly this. I'd put on my best, "Oh, hey, hon. Come see what I just found. It is (insert brother's name)'s blog. It is about his collection of rare stuff. "

[Momof3littles]

I would absolutely show my dh.

[MariannNOVA]

Yep. This is what I would TRY to do....but would probably botch terribly....resulting in someone being ticked at me. I would do it anyway.

Faithe

 

Yup -- In the past, I have always ended up being the bad one, and the mean one. Well, years later, turns out that all the stuff I was pointing out, was on target. So -- I am still the bad one and the mean one, but truthfully, dh knows that I was right, shares my opinion, and acts accordingly and that means more to me than anything.

 

I have to add that it as only when I 'toned it down' a bit and let dh draw his own conclusions WITH important supporting facts supplied, then and only then did he stop defending his family and stop letting them walk all over him.

[Harriet Vane]

I would tread lightly when it comes to family. I would definitely talk to dh about it "Did you see the new things that your brother bought for his collection?" And then maybe show him. I wouldn't just go right into "Your brother says he can't afford to help and yet he buys this unnecessary stuff!" You don't want to be seen as a trouble maker in the family.

 

Dh should probably make a budget of what his mom needs every month so that they can see what the situation is and then put in what he's able to help with so they can see the shortfall and know exactly what they need to contribute.

 

:iagree:

[jplain]

I don't see this as a SIL issue. I see it as a communication between spouses issue.

If you think your DH would want this information, IMO you're obligated to share it with him.

Even if he doesn't want to know, this is affecting *your* family finances.

It is not unreasonable to ask for a more equitable distribution of responsibility.

However, I agree with others who suggest sharing it without commentary for now.

Your DH will probably get the picture, even if it takes a few days to sink in.

Edited November 3, 2011 by jplain

[LidiyaDawn]

I had to vote for "other" because it's not a clear yes or no for me… I wouldn't HIDE the blog, but I also wouldn't wave it in his face. It's a sticky thing because you really don't know how much (if any) "extra" money this man has, and he has the right to spend his money in whatever way he wants - which includes deciding if he wants to contribute financially to the care of his mother. I know, this is his *mother* and you'd think that he would step up and help… but people don't always do what we want them to do. Unfortunately. :tongue_smilie:

[bcnlvr]

I would not meddle. Why dh's brother doesn't want to loan dh money is his business. Making him out to be a less-than brother (ie pitting them against one another) is neither right nor needed. If you are not in a position (ie close to bil) to talk to the bil yourself, I would let it lie. Some things have permanent repercussions.

 

**A closed mouth gathers no feet.** (on the wall in the Sunday school room)

[nono]

While I would want to show him, I would not.

 

I think you already know the answer to your question. It's revealed in how you worded it. ("evil")

 

And two wrongs don't make a right.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I would not meddle. Why dh's brother doesn't want to loan dh money is his business. Making him out to be a less-than brother (ie pitting them against one another) is neither right nor needed. If you are not in a position (ie close to bil) to talk to the bil yourself, I would let it lie. Some things have permanent repercussions.

 

**A closed mouth gathers no feet.** (on the wall in the Sunday school room)

 

It's not a question of loaning dh money. It's contributing to the support of their parent. If we didn't pay MIL's rent, bills, etc., we would have plenty of money for ourselves. I understand dh took on this responsibility himself and has willingly done it all these years. I understand BIL has a right to spend his money on whatever he wants. We truly cannot afford it at the moment and other than letting MIL figure it out on her own, I don't know what we can do. Neither does dh, which is why he asked his siblings for help in the first place. MIL cannot live here with us. We don't have room, and she and I don't care for each other's company. I would be divorced in two nanoseconds if I had to live with her. Dh has allowed his family to rely on him for so much over the years. I'm just asking for advice on whether or not I should disillusion dh about his supposedly impoverished brother.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I would absolutely show him. And I might even point out how he has money to buy these extras, but claims to be too poor, but he is struggling to support his family and still has to pony up the required amount. This isn't about being meddling, but sharing information so that you and your husband can make appropriate financial decisions. I agree with the PP who suggested that your dh send out his mother's budget and note what he is able to pay and tell them that these other bills need to be taken care of. No need for drama, but spreading information.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I'm just asking for advice on whether or not I should disillusion dh about his supposedly impoverished brother.

 

I wouldn't call it disillusioning, but sharing the facts.

[DarlaS]

I would not meddle. Why dh's brother doesn't want to loan dh money is his business. Making him out to be a less-than brother (ie pitting them against one another) is neither right nor needed. If you are not in a position (ie close to bil) to talk to the bil yourself, I would let it lie. Some things have permanent repercussions.

 

**A closed mouth gathers no feet.** (on the wall in the Sunday school room)

 

This is HIS mother too. Why should one sibling have the luxury of ignoring this responsibility? Some things should have permanent repercussions. Wherever do some people get the idea they can spend money however they want, and others will step in and be the self sacrificing responsible ones?

 

I'd show him. BIL posted this on his blog, and should have no delusions about anything on the internet being secret. I'd be irritated about him assuming we were ignorant of it.

[Night Elf]

I would show him. The brother has posted it publicly so it's not like he's trying to hide it. Like a pp said, I wouldn't show it to him with a haughty attitude. But I would definitely say something because this is a financial matter between you and your DH. He can't force his brother to contribute, but but it would be beneficial for him to know where his brother stands. I think more harm is done if he does not know about it. It's keeping secrets that you shouldn't have to keep, especially if your BIL hasn't told you specifically to not share that information. I'm not sure which is worse, keeping secrets about his family or your family. I don't like secrets. They have a way of coming back to bite me in the rear end.

[Impish]

I'd show him, simply b/c I don't keep secrets from my dh.

[bcnlvr]

Sorry, my bad. I reread the OP. So dh wants help supporting the mom.

I know it's hard for me to sit on information that has the potential to cause drama. Still, bil's reasons for not wanting to support the mom are his.

 

I know in our own family there have been siblings who did and didn't want to help care for an elderly gramma. One of us ended up taking her in and caring for her until her death while the others did NOTHING (not even visit). We decided to drop it and not judge our siblings for their decisions.

 

My pastor says "if it's not yours, don't pick it up" (in reference to other people's lives). If you think that this is "yours" then by all means, show the blog to your dh.

 

:001_smile:

Edited November 3, 2011 by bcnlvr
forgot to say...

[Pippen]

MIL cannot live here with us. We don't have room, and she and I don't care for each other's company. I would be divorced in two nanoseconds if I had to live with her. Dh has allowed his family to rely on him for so much over the years. I'm just asking for advice on whether or not I should disillusion dh about his supposedly impoverished brother.

 

I would have shown him the blog anyway, but what you've said here would cinch it for me. It beats the alternative.

[Jen in PA]

I would show him but offer no commentary.

 

:iagree:

[Princess Peach]

I'd show him, simply b/c I don't keep secrets from my dh.

 

I voted yes for exactly this reason.

[Cinder]

I would show him. My dh would be upset if I knew something that might affect the situation and didn't share it with him. What he proceeds to do with the info is up to him.

[BigMamaBird]

Aw nuts, I hit "No." But Yes, I would tell dh. If it were straight up gossip, then no, don't do that. But this is the financial support of your MIL. And the failure of your BIL to step up and help is directly affecting the financial health of your own family.

[Haiku]

Would you direct your dh to this blog so he can see that his brother does in fact have extra money to spend on his hobbies?

 

No. Why? So you can cause discord between your dh and his brother? So you can unmask your BIL as being deceitful and ungenerous? What possible good reason could you have for doing this? Although it would be nice if his siblings helped your dh, the reality is that they have no obligation to. Their money, their choice how to spend it.

 

Tara

[Annie G]

I would show him but be prepared for it not to make any difference- your dh will probably continue to pay his mom's bills and your bil will not chip in. That's bil's choice- he's under no obligation to pay her bills.

 

SO why would I do it? Because when money is tight couples tend to argue over it. Or perhaps just silently be upset about the money issues. You can't help feeling that either bil should chip in or that you should cut back on your contribution - because you cannot afford to continue this way. Dh needs to know why you feel the way you do, and it sounds as if bil not helping is bugging you.

[MrsJewelsRae]

Is it not a much more evil thing to deny your own mother help because you would rather be buying *things* for a collection, and then lie about it?

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I would show him but be prepared for it not to make any difference- your dh will probably continue to pay his mom's bills and your bil will not chip in. That's bil's choice- he's under no obligation to pay her bills.

 

SO why would I do it? Because when money is tight couples tend to argue over it. Or perhaps just silently be upset about the money issues. You can't help feeling that either bil should chip in or that you should cut back on your contribution - because you cannot afford to continue this way. Dh needs to know why you feel the way you do, and it sounds as if bil not helping is bugging you.

 

This is probably what will happen. It does bug me that BIL takes no responsibility for helping. He is single and doesn't have anyone to support but himself. I know this still doesn't obligate him to help out with his mother, but it sure as heck seems selfish. And it's not like the blog is a secret. I'm pretty sure BIL has mentioned it to dh. Dh just never gets on the internet other than for work related things.

[kewb]

I voted other. It is not a clear yes or no to me. If it was me, I would not be having altruistic motives behind showing my dh. It would be an emotional response on my part. I would be wanting dh to open his eyes to what his family is like.

 

The reality is, it is his family. He already knows what they are. If he is anything like my dh he would not respond well to my pointing out his siblings shortcomings.

 

Should the brother step up to the plate? Yes, he should. Will he? That is up to him not your dh. I do recommend that your dh document the expenses and how much everyone would need to contribute. It may make it easier for bil to foot his share if he knows exactly what he needs to come up with.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I wouldn't bother showing him the blog. Supporting a parent is a choice, and this person may have had a bad experience in the past with earning good money, giving it to the parent, and having it been spent frivously.

 

What I would do is sit down and work out grandma's budget, and then ask for help if it is warranted. Grandmas are not exempt from tightening the belt in these economic times.

 

I speak from experience...grandma pleading poverty, wanting handouts, keeping the house cold, begging whenever her kids were over..to find out that the money is not being spent wisely while she owns two homes and has sufficient income for her needs plus some wants.

 

We've already been over grandma's budget. Grandma has no money except social security. Grandma never worked and did nothing to prepare for her future, except to rely on dh to take care of her. We could move grandma to the hood, and cheapen up her rent a couple hundred bucks a month, but dh would never do that. Grandma pays for her car, car insurance, and some bills. This problem is not going to go away. Maybe grandma could move in with BIL, except he lives in a different country.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: Same here, but I would expect to be cast as the mean one...again.

 

I'd show him, simply b/c I don't keep secrets from my dh.

[SueinNC]

I voted yes though I did the opposite in a similar situation.

Edited November 4, 2011 by Caledonia Academy

[elfgivas]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

tough and sad situation.

 

fwiw, i have "life rules" that i follow. one is that my relationship with dh trumps just about everything else.

 

maybe if we flip it around and see what might happen. what if it were your mom, and your sibling and dh found your sibling's blog and....

 

and a) showed it to you

or

b) didn't tell you about it

 

how would you feel? what would you have wished for?

 

in our relationship, i would go with something like this:

 

"hon, i was reading your brother's blog, and found myself really upset because he's talking about the things he's bought for his collections at the same time he's telling you he doesn't have any extra money to help with MIL. i've had this huge debate with myself about whether i should show you the blog.... i even asked the welltrainedmind hive about it.... but in the end, you're my husband, i love you, and we're in this together. i love how generous you've been with your mom, and it upsets me that this is worrying you when it appears that he could be helping you..... of course, its his call what he does with his money, i just wish he were making different choices." then he can look at the blog or not. you've shared your feelings about it all.

 

and then he would say something, a little or a lot.

then i'd ask if there were anything specific i could do to help him....

 

and then i'd do it as long as it wouldn't damage our relationship long term, which having MIL live with you sounds as if it would.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Brigitte]

I am not sure it is the right thing to do, but I would show it to him.

[Laurie4b]

Without going into too many details, my dh has been financially supporting his mother for over 20 yrs. I have no problem with this. However, dh's business is directly affected by the economy and he is not making his usual amount of income. We are barely making ends meet at this point. He has asked his siblings to help. His sister has said she would help, but so far, we haven't seen any actual cash. His brother claims to have no extra money. However, the brother has a blog (which dh has never seen) on which he posts pictures of all the stuff he's bought for his "rare" collections. Would you direct your dh to this blog so he can see that his brother does in fact have extra money to spend on his hobbies? Or would this be overstepping my bounds?

 

Absolutely I would show dh. We are "one flesh" according to our religious beliefs. Why wouldn't I give him info that I had?

[brett_ashley]

i've had this huge debate with myself about whether i should show you the blog.... i even asked the welltrainedmind hive about it....

 

my husband would be seriously annoyed if he knew i was disseminating personal information like this on a public internet forum (even anonymously).

 

I'm not criticizing you for doing so, but I certainly wouldn't say, "all of the homeschooling moms on the internet weighed in and..."

[silliness7]

I don't see this as a SIL issue. I see it as a communication between spouses issue.

If you think your DH would want this information, IMO you're obligated to share it with him.

Even if he doesn't want to know, this is affecting *your* family finances.

It is not unreasonable to ask for a more equitable distribution of responsibility.

However, I agree with others who suggest sharing it without commentary for now.

Your DH will probably get the picture, even if it takes a few days to sink in.

 

:iagree: This is a spouse issue. It's not like your bil or his wife confided in you. It's on the internet for the whole wide world to see (or at least if you can see it your dh should be able to see it if it's privacy protected)

 

I also like the idea of a budget for mom. Siblings should all come together in a family meeting to figure out how to help her with the shortfall.

[rwjx2khsmj]

It's not a question of loaning dh money. It's contributing to the support of their parent. If we didn't pay MIL's rent, bills, etc., we would have plenty of money for ourselves. I understand dh took on this responsibility himself and has willingly done it all these years. I understand BIL has a right to spend his money on whatever he wants. We truly cannot afford it at the moment and other than letting MIL figure it out on her own, I don't know what we can do. Neither does dh, which is why he asked his siblings for help in the first place. MIL cannot live here with us. We don't have room, and she and I don't care for each other's company. I would be divorced in two nanoseconds if I had to live with her. Dh has allowed his family to rely on him for so much over the years. I'm just asking for advice on whether or not I should disillusion dh about his supposedly impoverished brother.

 

I would show dh the blog but I wouldn't connect it to the mil issue. My dh would totally reject my interference there.

 

If this were me I would send dh an e-mail with the blog address saying, "I just found at that bil had a blog. I didn't know if you'd seen it." And leave it at that. If dh brought it up then I would know it was open for discussion. If he didn't, I'd let it rest.

 

I would also encourage him to address the MIL issue with his sibs again. I do the bills at our house so I'd make a list of the monthly expenses that we are covering for MIL and ask that he take those to SIL and BIL and let them know at what level we are now able to help so they can pick up the slack.

[elegantlion]

It's not a question of loaning dh money. It's contributing to the support of their parent. If we didn't pay MIL's rent, bills, etc., we would have plenty of money for ourselves. I understand dh took on this responsibility himself and has willingly done it all these years. I understand BIL has a right to spend his money on whatever he wants. We truly cannot afford it at the moment and other than letting MIL figure it out on her own, I don't know what we can do. Neither does dh, which is why he asked his siblings for help in the first place. MIL cannot live here with us. We don't have room, and she and I don't care for each other's company. I would be divorced in two nanoseconds if I had to live with her. Dh has allowed his family to rely on him for so much over the years. I'm just asking for advice on whether or not I should disillusion dh about his supposedly impoverished brother.

 

I would show him, as others have said, without commentary.

 

Do MIL and BIL have a contentious relationship? I don't necessarily see it as evil to not provide for your parents, some people strive to get far away as possible from their upbringing.

 

We've already been over grandma's budget. Grandma has no money except social security. Grandma never worked and did nothing to prepare for her future, except to rely on dh to take care of her. We could move grandma to the hood, and cheapen up her rent a couple hundred bucks a month, but dh would never do that. Grandma pays for her car, car insurance, and some bills. This problem is not going to go away. Maybe grandma could move in with BIL, except he lives in a different country.

 

Can she apply for assistance from her community? Do you live where you can get heating assistance due to weather?

[TXBeth]

For me, this whole situation depends on why your DH has been supporting his mother for 20 years, and why his siblings haven't been helping. If she is a normal, healthy woman who needed some help but should have figured out a way to support herself after the first year or so, I think it's your DH's fault for enabling her and not the siblings' responsibility. Is it possible this is the way they see it? That she could have gotten a job, and your DH chose to take on her care instead, so they shouldn't have to take responsibility for that decision?

If MIL is disabled or there is some other reason that her kids have to support her, then I understand asking the siblings to help out. But if they won't, they won't, and no one can force them. Can MIL not apply for food stamps/housing assistance/heating assistance to help make ends meet?

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

For me, this whole situation depends on why your DH has been supporting his mother for 20 years, and why his siblings haven't been helping. If she is a normal, healthy woman who needed some help but should have figured out a way to support herself after the first year or so, I think it's your DH's fault for enabling her and not the siblings' responsibility. Is it possible this is the way they see it? That she could have gotten a job, and your DH chose to take on her care instead, so they shouldn't have to take responsibility for that decision?

If MIL is disabled or there is some other reason that her kids have to support her, then I understand asking the siblings to help out. But if they won't, they won't, and no one can force them. Can MIL not apply for food stamps/housing assistance/heating assistance to help make ends meet?

 

This is part of the issue. I can't post what I truly think about MIL and her lack of preparedness for herself because I've already posted too much for a public forum really. However, despite the fact that dh has done everything for his mother, somehow BIL is the favorite child. The mother raves about all the wonderful things BIL is doing in the faraway land in which he has been living for the past 10 years. Again, BIL has always been single, has no children, and thus has only himself to worry about. DH is truly so giving and generous that I have literally seen him give someone the shirt off his back. He has done so much, financially and in other ways, for so many members of his family (and mine), and now, when HE needs the help, no one is willing to step up. This breaks my heart for him. His mother is too old now, to take care of herself. I've searched online and asked some people I know about subsidized housing for seniors, but I can't seem to get any answers. MIL is so snooty, I think she'd starve to death before applying for food stamps. I know BIL has mentioned his blog to dh, but dh would never look at it of his own accord. He doesn't get into the computer world, at all. Dh has explained to his siblings about his decrease in income and the increase in MIL's rent, and the fact that we can no longer do what we've been doing. For BIL to tell dh he has no money to help, and then post pictures of his extravagant purchases online just boggles my mind. I've told dh that BIL is buying lots of stuff, but somehow dh doesn't think this is relevant. I think that if I showed him exactly what BIL was spending his money on, he might finally understand what I'm saying.

[Lisbeth]

Show him! Let him come to his own conclusions.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

...I've told dh that BIL is buying lots of stuff, but somehow dh doesn't think this is relevant. I think that if I showed him exactly what BIL was spending his money on, he might finally understand what I'm saying.

 

This is why you shouldn't show him. He doesn't want to know. You are going to look like a stingy, unloving nag if you continue to say anything at all about the whole mess. Your attitude about MIL is going to come through loud and clear, and your DH is going to feel even more alone in his decision to support his mother come hell or high water, no matter whether she deserves it and no matter whether anyone else helps.

 

If you've already told him once that BIL has money to spend, don't also pull up the website to prove it. That will make you look bad.

 

This sounds harsh but it isn't meant to be. I know more about this type of situation than I want to share online, and my sympathies are definitely on your side. I just really believe your husband needs you to be silently in his corner, supporting him as he tries to do the impossible in providing for his family and providing for his mother. He probably doesn't see any other options. He won't see confronting his brother as an option, IMHO, and he doesn't want to be forced into a negative opinion of his brother. So there's nothing more you can say.

[jelbe5]

Yes, I would show your dh the blog. And call a family meeting. It is not fair that your family has been carrying the financial burden for so long. All the siblings need to talk and agree on how everyone is going to help. For heaven's sake, this is their mother! I get so angry when I read posts about how others take advantage of the kindness/generosity of another. Your family has been generous, but circumstances have changed and it's time the others tow the line.

 

ETA the brother put the blog out there for everyone on the www to see. As far as I am concerned, he dug his own hole regarding how he spends his $.

[Lacie]

I would copy the pages of the site, if the brother suspects that the blog might be used as evidence to make him pay his fair share the posts might be deleted.

 

And then I would show it to your husband.

[elfgivas]

i posted earlier about what i would do if it were me and dh....

 

but another approach is to focus on the issue at hand, which is dmil's well being. has your dh told her about the income decrease and that he won't be able to help the same way? would she be able to generate possible solutions with you?

 

very hard......

 

ann

[SweetMissMagnolia]

sure would..... :D

[ChristineW]

This is why you shouldn't show him. He doesn't want to know. You are going to look like a stingy, unloving nag if you continue to say anything at all about the whole mess. Your attitude about MIL is going to come through loud and clear, and your DH is going to feel even more alone in his decision to support his mother come hell or high water, no matter whether she deserves it and no matter whether anyone else helps.

 

If you've already told him once that BIL has money to spend, don't also pull up the website to prove it. That will make you look bad.

 

This sounds harsh but it isn't meant to be. I know more about this type of situation than I want to share online, and my sympathies are definitely on your side. I just really believe your husband needs you to be silently in his corner, supporting him as he tries to do the impossible in providing for his family and providing for his mother. He probably doesn't see any other options. He won't see confronting his brother as an option, IMHO, and he doesn't want to be forced into a negative opinion of his brother. So there's nothing more you can say.

 

:iagree: If he knows about the blog, pulling it up and showing how no-good BIL isn't going to help anything. It won't make BIL help and will only damage their relationship. Your husband is choosing not to know, Leave it be.

 

It might be a different story if DH wasn't aware of the blog or recent spending, but since he knows it's up to him to look on his own.