Ok ladies, a sensitive poll about self-esteem...

[Julie in CA]

Remember, this is anonymous...please answer honestly, I really want to know.

 

How often do you think about yourself negatively? Please pick the closest answer.

Edited October 24, 2011 by Julie in CA

[Julie in CA]

Bumping, because it's sinking fast, and I really want more answers.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Bumping for you but I'm too fat and lazy to tell you how I voted!:D

Edited October 24, 2011 by Jean in Newcastle

[Mona100]

I am fat, ugly, and lazy but never stupid :001_smile:.

[Julie in CA]

So what would the healthiest answer be?

Obviously, "normal" is that most people are thinking a lot of really unkind things about themselves. Is it normal to not have negative thoughts like the ones mentioned? Is there an upper limit (thinking it too often) where it becomes unhealthy?

I'm interested in people's ideas about this. :bigear:

[Catwoman]

But there is the requisite "other" option?

 

How can I vote without the "other" choice? ;)

 

(OK, so maybe I was just looking for an excuse to bump your poll for you!)

[Lacie]

I'm very interested to see the outcome of this poll.

[Little Nyssa]

Ladies, I am so sad to see these results so far! More than half so far think badly of themselves! Look, anyone on these boards who is homeschooling and interested in WTM, plus all the housekeeping etc you do, and so thoughtful about everything, has to be pretty darn smart and a beautiful person. Even if we might have our difficult moments or be a few pounds over. I think you all are TERRIFIC, I have learned so much here, and I love you!!!

[Julie in CA]

But there is the requisite "other" option?

 

How can I vote without the "other" choice? ;)

 

(OK, so maybe I was just looking for an excuse to bump your poll for you!)

Thanks!

Yeah, I should have remembered to cover every option! :D

[MHowell]

I said once a day. Even though I am in normal BMI, I am heavy FOR ME. I still have this mommy pouch that won't go away. I think maybe because my second was a c-section? I don't know... But nothing fits the same so it's easy to look in the mirror and think I look awful. In reality I know I look okay, and in my heart I do know I am not fat. It sure is easy to think it when I am standing in front of a full length mirror though.

[Carpe]

I think those things frequently but it's typically because I hold myself to a higher standard, but I am overweight that's not really a negative thought in my opinion. I know I could be doing better than I am in most areas of smarts and productivity.

 

ETA: Not ugly, I'm a hottie. I put the B in BBW (well both of them :lol:)

Edited October 24, 2011 by Carpe
details

[Jean in Newcastle]

Here is a thread I started about being a "self denigrator". http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=275388&highlight=idiot

[Julie in CA]

I think those things frequently but it's typically because I hold myself to a higher standard, but I am overweight that's not really a negative thought in my opinion. I know I could be doing better than I am in most areas of smarts and productivity.

Yep, that's why I purposefully didn't put "overweight" in the question.

Reality may mean overweight, but self-criticism usually goes for the word "FAT" in a really big way.

[Carpe]

Yep, that's why I purposefully didn't put "overweight" in the question.

Reality may mean overweight, but self-criticism usually goes for the word "FAT" in a really big way.

 

I guess I don't have the negative associations with the word fat that most people do. *shrug* to me fat=overweight=pudgy=well insulated=portly etc.

[tntgoodwin]

Is this limited to ladies?

[JennifersLost]

A very interesting exercise to do related to this poll is to track for three days EVERY negative thought you have. In other words, the minute you find yourself worrying or thinking negatively about yourself (or anything else), write down the time, the negative thought ("I am too fat," "I have no self-control", etc.) and add a note about the context if you need to.

 

Before the first day is out you'll notice how many repetitions there are.

 

After three days, take your list and one by one write down the basic negative thoughts you tend to have. Then write down when you started having this negative thought.

 

Then ask yourself, has thinking this thought helped you in any way?

 

For example, one of the thoughts that popped up over and over again for me when I did this exercise was "I am fat." I thought that thought at least once per hour during the three day period and often more than that. When I asked myself when I started having that thought I realized I had been telling myself that thought hourly or more than hourly OVER 20 YEARS. WHat's more, I had that thought hourly back when I weighed 20 pounds less than I do now - back when I was skinny.

 

It is a completely irrational thought, and even when it has been applicable, it was not helpful. I am not in control of every thought even now, by any means, but I recognize that negative voice and I have acquired ways to combat it. I realize it doesn't serve me, and it doesn't allow me to serve others to my best ability.

 

To answer the OP, I believe our society trains us to be hyper-critical and now more than ever. All those reality tv shows where we watch others being judged harshly for their talents and humiliated in front of national audiences, all the blogs where we review things - we are all being groomed to be negative and harsh and overly picky.

 

The way to combat it is through praise, thankfulness and cultivation of joy. People get mad at me sometimes because I gush about what's good about people, what they do and what they have. Why not? What good does it do any of us to point out faults? I think all of us could use a century of praise and acclaim before it went to our heads, after all the censure we give each other (in a general sense) constantly.

 

Just my two cents.....:)

[Julie in CA]

Is this limited to ladies?

I'm not sure. The men I know seem immune to the types of negative mental flagellation that women submit themselves to.

Feel free to vote though!:D

[OrganicAnn]

I think I'm fat, because I am fat. Just a fact. I don't ever think I'm any of the others.

[happyhomemaker]

I'm not sure what the difference is between "multiple times a day" and "almost constantly". I think I fall somewhere in between those, depending on the day.

 

I just noticed the list included stupid. I really don't think that about myself. I guess the other things on the list resonated with me to the extent that I forgot about that one.

 

I have been more down on myself because I haven't been sleeping well (year old dd still not sleeping well either) so I am a little more down on myself than usual because I get negative when I am very tired. In the past when I have not been sleep deprived, I would have answered at least weekly, if not daily.

[DianeW88]

Hmmm, I'm not sure how to answer this. Yes, I do have thoughts about myself during the day where I'm thinking, "Wow, you are really being lazy. You need to get up off your bum and get something done." Or "You never should have eaten all that junk food last week. Now you've put on a few pounds and your jeans are tight."

 

But I guess I don't look at those thoughts as negative. They aren't a judgement about my self worth, they're merely statements of fact. If my jeans don't fit, it means I need to work-out extra hard this week and skip the junk food. If I'm lying around doing nothing productive, it means I need to self-correct and do something that needs to be done. I don't think that I'm a bad person as a result of either of those things. It just means I need to fix whatever I'm doing that isn't getting me the results I want.

 

I don't want to be lazy or fat, so if I find myself "trending" in that direction...I'll stop it. But my self-worth doesn't come from those things, so I guess it's not affected by those things. And fwiw, I have never thought I was stupid or called myself any names. That just isn't productive and it doesn't fix whatever is bothering me. And I'm more the type where if something is "wrong", then you fix it and get on with life. But pity-parties are a huge waste of time in my mind. I try not to host any. :lol:

[Tree House Academy]

I'm not sure. The men I know seem immune to the types of negative mental flagellation that women submit themselves to.

Feel free to vote though!:D

 

Oh, on the contrary. I know many men who feel they are failing as a husband, father, employee...and most of all...in the eyes of God. I think it absolutely applies to men...they just tend to be more introverted when it comes to expressing such insecurities, I think.

[kalanamak]

Daily, about one of them, when I get dressed. And it isn't "self-esteem", it is raw fact. I worry about it, not for looks, but for health.

[IsabelC]

I think it's really important to distinguish between the different ways one could think these things.

 

If I think, for example, "I'm so fat, I'm a disgusting pig, I hate myself, I don't deserve to live" that is very different from thinking "I'm so fat, I could be risking my health, I will take care of myself because I deserve to enjoy my life in good health". You could do the same with the other descriptors.

[jubilation]

I berate myself for being lazy multiple times a day. But usually it's true, and I really do need to get up and get something done. Laziness is kinda my thing. :001_smile:

 

The other ones, no.

[WishboneDawn]

Almost never. Sort of. I'm not ugly, I'm not lazy and I'm definitely not stupid. I AM fat and I will have to lose some weight after the baby (although the amount I want to lose won't take me anywhere near out of fat territory) but I really don't see it as some kind of negative or think that being fat says something negative about me.

[Caitilin]

I berate myself for being lazy multiple times a day. But usually it's true, and I really do need to get up and get something done. Laziness is kinda my thing. :001_smile:

 

The other ones, no.

 

:iagree:Ditto. As it, word for word. :tongue_smilie::D

[gaillardia]

Remember, this is anonymous...please answer honestly, I really want to know.

 

How often do you think about yourself negatively? Please pick the closest answer.

The poll doesn't exactly match the questions above.

How often do I think about myself negatively?

Sometimes every day, but I don't do it all day, or multiple times a day. How often do I think any of these things?

Fat, ugly, stupid or lazy.

I don't think I'm fat, I can stand to lose 5-20 pounds. I think that maybe once a month, or less.

I don't think I'm ugly, I just don't try to look like a million bucks every day.

Stupid. Once in a while. But not to the point of believing it as a general rule that "hey, I'm stupid all of the time."

Lazy. As a joke I think I'm lazy.

[AvasMom]

I didn't answer because none of the answers really fit. I do think of myself as fat on a daily basis because I AM! lol! That does not mean I have "low self-esteem" (which I feel is a bunch of malarky). There's absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging that we do have flaws that we need to work harder to correct. I don't think it's healthy to go around patting ourselves on the back and giving ourselves a blue ribbon just for showing up. I think that's silly.

[Cassy]

I ticked 'almost never', but that's not really very accurate.

 

I know I'm not fat, ugly, lazy or stupid, they're all extremes which really don't apply to me at all. However, probably once or twice a week I can feel a little negative and frustrated that I'm not as smart as I'd like to be, or that I don't achieve as much as I'd like to, or that I'm beginning to look my 47 years. I do know that the negativity is not really rational, but it does affect how I feel about myself and about life in general.

 

I've always assumed most people feel that way some of the time, otherwise why would there be such a demand for self-improving products (diets, teeth-whitening, cosmetics, hair products, etc, etc). I've always assumed that dissatisfaction with oneself, with life, is part of the human condition, is what drives us to progress. But maybe I'm wrong.

 

Cassy

[KidsHappen]

Mostly lazy probably due to chronic health issues. I occassionally think that I have let myself go and I am frumpier than I wish. That is probably hormonally induced.

[Melissa in Australia]

I chose multiple times a day~ but I think that is a good thing. I am often thinking that I didn't handle something right, or I should have replied to something with more kindness. Things like this, many times a day. If I didn't have these negative thoughts, then how will I improve myself? If I didn't look at my reflection in the window and think boy you really shouldn't have had that desert last night, then how will I monitor my weight?

[JFSinIL]

Well, several times a day...but I am about 50 lbs overweight (was over 65 but have lost some, yeah me!) so I am just being honest with myself. But I do not think of myself as having low self-esteem because of it.

[twoforjoy]

I said once per day, but mostly that's about "lazy." I do have a tendency to be lazy. It's not like I'm thinking "I am a horrible, lazy person" but more "Rather than being lazy and messing around on the computer right now, I really need to get up and do what needs to be done."

 

And I think I'm fat, but that's okay. I don't think fat is a bad thing. More like, I'm tall, I've got brown hair, and I'm fat. Just neutral ways to describe people.

[Desert Rat]

Just that fat one. I know I'm not lazy or stupid. But fat, well, I grew up in America and I'm curvy. That's not acceptable.

[Laura Corin]

Interesting. I don't think I'm stupid, ugly or lazy. I do know that I could do with losing a bit of weight. I'm still normal on the BMI chart, but pushing the top of normal. For me, 'fat' is a description of the state of my body and probably my health. It's not a value judgement that affects my self-esteem.

 

Laura

[nono]

I am not any of those things. However, I can do stupid things. I can be lazy. I can be overweight. But, heck, when I look in the mirror, I say, "Hey good looking!" :D (My Dad taught me that one).

 

But, because I am not perfect in any area (other than looks :tongue_smilie:), I do analyze my behavior and see if I'm drifting away from the ideal. So, I strive to be non-lazy, non-stupid and non-fat. To me, that takes care of the looks, because a vital, vibrant person is always attractive to me.

[elegantlion]

My self-esteem sucks. I think those things multiple times a day. Add old and that about covers it. :lol:

 

I don't generally think fat, lazy, or stupid. My thoughts usually deeper to things I can't change. I can change fat, lazy, and stupid... but I have short legs and short arms, I'm built like a hobbit. I hate it. My mom has long legs, I got Dad's frame. I can't change that.

 

Am I lazy? Well sometimes. When I get a routine and feel like I do the same thing over and over everyday, I may slack off to gain perspective on life. Then I feel lazy. This one probably bothers me least.

 

Stupid? Again that is changeable. Mainly it comes from thinking about the stupid choices I made now and years ago. I adore self-education, I'm making myself smarter, but I made some stupid choices over the years. I can't change those.

 

Old? I haven't felt old until this year. I'm starting to have pain in places that are affecting my mobility. I don't mind being a certain age, I just don't want to feel it.

 

I also realize some of these aren't healthy thoughts and I'm working on changing them, this has just been a horrid year for my esteem.

 

You know what made me feel better yesterday? Watching NASCAR and realizing two drivers that are near my age, Jeff Burton and Bobby Labonte, are nearly grey-headed. Then we switched back to Young Guns for a moment and I almost cried when I realized that movie is over 22 years old. :001_huh:

[DawnM]

I am fat. I can't seem to change it. I keep trying. But I am still fat.

 

I am somewhat lazy now that I stay at home, but I am comparing that to working full time, where I was never seen as lazy by coworkers.

 

I am by no means stupid. I have never thought I was stupid. I have areas where I am not as knowledgeable as others (computer/IT stuff for example) but that doesn't qualify me as stupid.

 

Dawn

[Catherine]

I it would be eye-opening to run the same poll for men. Trouble is, we may not have enough regular male board visitors to get a good sampling on such a fast-moving board.

[Laurie4b]

I didn't answer the poll because the attributes listed and self-esteem aren't linked for me. I can think I'm fat--because I am--but I have good self-esteem. I don't equate being overweight with having less worth as a person. I am lazy in some areas and work like a dirty dog in others. I am not ugly--I'm to the pretty side of plain. I'm not stupid, but I'm not as sharp as I used to be. None of those things impact my sense of worth as a person.

 

My sense of worth is rooted first of all in being made in the image of God--each human being is an awesome creation, so much so that in several places the Bible equates how we treat others with our posture toward God. Additionally, Jesus gave his life for me in love. I didn't get married until my early 30s so went through several years of thinking I wouldn't be "picked." Towards the end of those years, I grew in intimacy with God and depending on His love, which doesn't fail. I now have a dh who reinforces those truths with his posture toward me--he loves the core me, not a set of attributes. So I can honestly say I am overweight and it's like saying, "It's a cloudy day." People look on the outside, but God looks on the heart.

[BigMamaBird]

I fall into the once a week category for "lazy." 6 months into pregnancy, little ones running around, homeschooling, new home; I'm just not getting anything done. On top of that I have been nursing a sinus infection all week, so I stayed in bed ALL Saturday. I had major twinges of "You lazy SAHM you! Why isn't your home spotless? What do you do all day?" :001_huh:

 

I try really hard not to fall into the "You can have everything" trap though. At this point in my life a nap isn't laziness, it's self-preservation, even if the house is a mess and dinner is takeout.

[pdalley]

With my Mom being sick and in and out of the hospital and me seemingly having to pitch a fit to get her doctors to do anything, three kids to teach that all need modifications in their materials, a husband in a job where the boss seems to have it in for him, our church changing into something I don't recognize any longer.... Yeah, I feel pretty yucky about myself. I've felt that way most of my life though. I've never had anything I am really good at like my boys do and I think that's part of it.

 

As for feeling fat? I need to lose 20 lbs and I'll be fine for my height. When that bugs me I just go to the 'People of Walmart' website or recall the Doctor who told me in relation to the population of my state my BMI was practically anorexic in relation.

 

Yesterday was just one of those days that stunk to high heaven and that might have impacted my vote.:tongue_smilie:

[Free]

I used to constantly think all of these about myself. Now not so much. Not that anything has changed, but that I have finally realized all these are not who I am, but rather but what I have (unconsciously) chosen to be. Once I realised this, it also set me free from hating myself. I knew I could choose differently whenever I wanted, and whenever I was ready. ;)

[Parrothead]

I am fat and ugly, but not stupid nor lazy.

[Negin]

I am fat and ugly, but not stupid nor lazy.

:grouphug:

Yes. I hear you. Although I'm sure you're not ugly. Few of us are ugly. Most of us need to lose weight, or think we need to lose weight.

 

To add a touch of humor to this whole thread. Years ago, I was watching NBC Nightly News and almost choked on my dinner I was laughing so hard. They interviewed some major Japanese car company CEOs or whatever and one of them said, "American worker fat and lazy!" And then they asked a lady working at GM/Chrysler or wherever and her response (yelling amidst all the background noise): "I might be fat, but I'm NOT lazy!" It just sounded so funny. Tom Brokaw was trying to keep a straight face. :lol:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Mostly lazy probably due to chronic health issues. I occassionally think that I have let myself go and I am frumpier than I wish. That is probably hormonally induced.

 

This is me once a month, sometimes intensely.

 

I am not any of those things. However, I can do stupid things. I can be lazy. I can be overweight. But, heck, when I look in the mirror, I say, "Hey good looking!" :D (My Dad taught me that one).

 

But, because I am not perfect in any area (other than looks :tongue_smilie:), I do analyze my behavior and see if I'm drifting away from the ideal. So, I strive to be non-lazy, non-stupid and non-fat. To me, that takes care of the looks, because a vital, vibrant person is always attractive to me.

 

This is me the rest of the month. (I like your dad!)

[Julie in CA]

Notice that in the question I didn't ask if you truly *were* any of those things. Really, that doesn't matter much. I also didn't ask if you thought *all* of those things, or only one or two.

 

Pick someone you love very much, whom you know to be a sensitive soul. Now ask yourself if you'd berate them using the phrases you use for yourself. I might have a conversation with my dd about weight, fitness, and healthy eating. If pressed, I might agree with her that she's overweight. I would not, however, glance at her as she's walking by, and say, "You know, you're really a fat pig, and if you weren't so lazy, you'd get off your butt and do something about it!".

 

I think maybe the point is that women who do this know exactly what I'm talking about, and women who don't, probably don't understand at all. I don't love the phrase "self-esteem", and it has a negative connotation in my mind. At the same time, how else to describe the self-loathing that some women heap upon themselves?

 

My initial purpose in posting the poll was to find out if more women are kind to themselves, or if more women are unkind to themselves. It's not a perfect poll, to be sure. For one thing, I find homeschooling moms to be among the most sacrificial people I know, and it seems like there's a connection between caring deeply for others in a really sacrificial way, and not caring for yourself very well. Yes, I know, that's a massive generalization, but remember, this isn't scientific research, just the musing of a regular mom, wondering if she's normal, or if she's run off the rails in a way that signifies a problem to be dealt with. ;)

[4wildberrys]

How stupid, fat, lazy, ugly, wrinkled and what a HUGE loser with no 'career' besides homeschooling I feel depends on how much time I spend on Facebook!! Seriously---the more time I spend, the worse I feel about myself and the choices dh and I have made to homeschool our kids. Especially with the economy taking a HUGE toll on our formerly profitable business and me thinking about working (for pay) again----I realize I have nothing to offer! 10 years with no income for me and 'only' raising our kids, graduating one from homeschool with another 3 years away-----and I feel like a huge, fat, ugly loser compared to my jetsetting, trust fund 'friends' on FB who constantly report on all the various places they are now visiting or the fabulous expensive things they are doing or their second home they are visiting, or their botox.........ugh! :glare:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Julie - I do understand. That's why I call myself a (part-time) self denigrator. When I find myself doing it with more self loathing than humor, I check the calendar. For me, it is very strongly hormonally related.

 

I also want to add that sometimes threads here make me start to feel more badly about myself, because I see that I would be judged if certain people saw me or the state of my house! This isn't because they have different standards or abilities etc. but because posts often have a judgmental "how hard could it be to (lose weight/pick up the house/school the kids/take care of your looks)" sentiment attached to them.

Edited October 24, 2011 by Jean in Newcastle

[Tangerine]

If I think I'm fat, beautiful, brilliant, and driven, am I still thinking badly about myself because "fat" is on the list. I'm awesome. Fat and awesome. :D