Poll-Have you ever boycotted a wedding?

[Scarlett]

Would you? For any reason?

 

Possible list of reasons

 

You think the match is stupid beyond belief. (17 yo boy and 34 year old divorced mom of 2 teens).

 

You don't believe they've known each other a sufficient amount of time to make the decision for marriage.

 

You know the relationship began in adultery.

 

You know the groom to be physically or emotionally abusive (to this bride).

 

You know the groom to have been physically or emotionally abusive (to a former wife.)

 

Or any other reason--

[katilac]

I never have, and I can't imagine I would. ((I assume you mean boycotting as different from simply not attending because you aren't close to the couple))

 

If I did boycott, I'd consider it as basically cutting off the relationship for good, because I know that if someone had boycotted my wedding, I would have never, ever have spoken to them again.

[bettyandbob]

I've never boycotted a wedding. I suppose there could be a reason to do so, but it's never come up for me.

 

I think doing should be a carefully thought out endeavor. Doing so could end your relationship with your friend/family member. So, even if the marriage is questionable you need to consider how it will affect your relationship. This is especially true if you think abuse is a possibility. You don't want your friend/family to not be able to count on you when he/she is ready to see a problem and get help.

 

Also as much as you dislike your sibling's (friend/family member's) choice of partner, what if the marriage turns out to be a good one and you are never in your brother's life again. No holidays. No meeting nephews/nieces.

 

I'd rather sit quietly and bite my tongue for a day than have no relationship in the future. Now, I might limit the time I spent at the wedding and reception and I might not bring my whole family.

[Mrs Mungo]

No. We even attended the wedding of a good friend whom we tried to talk out of marriage with his bride a week before the wedding. I am not the boss of the world, even I strongly disagree with what people do to mess up their lives. Sometimes people have to learn things the hard way.

[RahRah]

No, I haven't boycotted a wedding - nor do I think I would for the reasons others have already stated.

 

That said, if asked, I would beg out of being in a bridal party if I felt strongly that I could not, in good conscious, uphold the 'duty' to witness a marriage I didn't feel was going to be good for one or the other party or circumstances around which I wasn't comfortable.

[Momof3littles]

I didn't attend my brother's third wedding. We had literally moved the week before with a small child, and were swamped. And honestly, I knew it wasn't going to work. I didn't state that I wasn't going for that reason (blamed it on the move) but I wasn't going to exert myself. Perhaps that's terrible of me.

 

They did end up getting divorced. I won't attend a 4th wedding if he has one (and I wouldn't rule out the possibility that there will be a 4th marriage).

[JennyD]

 

Words to live by.

 

I agree with those who say that boycotting a wedding is pretty much ending the relationship, forever. Even if the marriage turns out to be a disaster.

[FaithManor]

I have done this. It was a major matter of conscience.

 

I was asked by one of my bridesmaids to be her matron of honor. (This would have been about 21 years ago.) She and I had been very, very close during our college years. However, I could not support the circumstances in which she was marrying or more precisely, the situation she was marrying into.

 

Her fiance was of a faith she did not subscribe to, would not be converting to, and had formerly objected to so this was a rather big warning signal first of all. To add to this, he showed some rather domineering signs and his mother was at the very least narcissistic and probably worse than that. When he took her home to meet "mom", she was shoved into a bedroom (the future mil had prearranged to have the doorknob reversed so it locked from the outside) and locked in for several hours while he and his mother discussed the wedding and the terms of the marriage. There were other major warning signals as well. When I met him, he gave me the biggest case of the creeps I think I've ever had.

 

I tried having very non-confrontational conversations with her about what she viewed her relationship with her future mil would be, how that would affect her marriage, how she felt while she was locked up, the pressure to have children right away even though she had some health problems that had required her to be on hormonal bc off and on to help control the formation of endometriosis and cysts on her ovaries (information she had NOT disclosed to Mr. "we must have a son") etc. She was one of those women who was just desperate to get married, all of her friends were married, she was in her mid-20's and apparently thought this was spinsterdom, yada, yada. After a lot of soul searching, I just knew I couldn't stand up there next to her and stomach it.

 

As expected, the marriage was an abusive, controlling, manipulative, disaster. She couldn't have children. His mother was IRATE; he became at first quite distant, then verbally abusive, and eventually physically abusive which is when she got out. Unfortunately, her mental health was less than stable, she refused treatment and counseling, and I had a family to consider. So, I could not be a resource for her. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't been angry that I was right about what would happen and it isn't as if I spent any conversation even hinting, "I told you so." Good grief, that was the last thing she needed and NOT helpful. It was that she was I guess unforgiving of herself for not seeing what I, her parents, and many of her friends could see. After some pretty intense and bizarre phone conversations with her, I had to tell her that we could no longer have contact.

 

So, yes, I've boycotted a wedding. For me, it wasn't a very comfortable thing to do but the alternative to my conscience would have been worse.

 

Faith

[TCB]

I don't know if I would boycott a wedding, but I did have someone boycott mine. We were somewhat limited in the numbers we could invite and my Mom decided to invite her sisters and their husbands (my aunts and uncles) and their unmarried children. So we didn't invite my cousin and his family, not really my choice but I decided to leave it up to my Mom since it was her sisters. Well one of my aunts boycotted because her son and family weren't invited. I told Mom to just go ahead and send him an invite but she chose not to.

 

Anyway, just wanted to say that this did not cause me to break off any relationship with said aunt. I just put it down to the crazy things that happen during weddings.

[aggieamy]

No. We even attended the wedding of a good friend whom we tried to talk out of marriage with his bride a week before the wedding. I am not the boss of the world, even I strongly disagree with what people do to mess up their lives. Sometimes people have to learn things the hard way.

 

:iagree:. Besides sometimes they'll tell you how right you were and that helps later on. :lol:

 

PS If I was the boss of the world things would be run differently!

[Jen in PA]

I haven't, but I can certainly see myself doing so under the right circumstances.

[Murmer]

My sister decided to get married less than a week after me when our wedding and honeymoon plans had been set in stone for over 4 months...so we told them we would not come and we didn't even though techniqually we could have changed our flights for like 25 dollars each and been able to attend but we didn't.

[RainySunday]

I haven't, and probably wouldn't for a lot of the reasons mentioned. Also, because we had it done to us and it was awful and very painful. My FIL and my dh's ex step mother (FIL and SM were married at the time) refused to come to our wedding, had family send letters about why we shouldn't get married, called our PASTOR to try and talk him out of performing the ceremony, etc. It was bad. Their reasoning? We were "too young." (I was 19, he was 21). They wanted us both to finish college, get a masters and have a career before marrying...:glare: Anyhow, they didn't come (also threatened to disown dh if he didn't call it off). They did have us down to their place a few months later, and eventually they split and now FIL is awesome and very supportive, and adores his grandkids. We figure it was more exSM that was the problem, he was just the mouthpiece. People are weird.

[Lara in Colo]

I haven't, but I would if I felt strongly about it. You are there to support the person and the union. If you feel you cannot, then do not attend. I feel this is right for two reasons:

A) they will know you do not approve and there will be tension there that put a pall over the event

B) sometimes you just have to take and stand and stick with it.--I guess I would feel hypo'critical (looked up the spelling and it still looks wrong) if I attended something I didn't want to to happen.

 

Not that you have to beat a drum or anything, just calmly say you think this is a trainwreck and you prefer not to buy a ticket.

[Negin]

I've never felt the need to boycott a wedding, but your list of reasons are good enough, if, God forbid, such horrible situations were to occur.

I don't know how to vote - other?

[elfgivas]

i have chosen not to perform weddings that i could not in due conscience perform, mainly due to abuse within the relationship.

 

i have chosen not to attend weddings that i could not in due conscience promise to support, mainly due to abuse within the relationship.

 

i have not ever said i was "boycotting" it, just that i was unable to attend.

 

so if you can't go and promise to support the couple in their relationship, then why not just simply say you are unable to attend. (and then make sure you aren't, without stating a reason).

 

fwiw,

ann

[Carol in Cal.]

I voted no. To me, boycotting implies explicitly stating that you will not attend because you oppose the marriage. I can't imagine doing that, although I can imagine declining to be part of the wedding party. My feeling is that once people are bound and determined to get married, the very best thing to do is to support them in that, by attending and being cheerful and polite (good guests).

[Spryte]

I declined to be in the bridal party, and to attend, the wedding of a friend in an abusive relationship. I could not support their choice to marry, after all the days and nights she had spent crying on my shoulder. I did tell her the reason, although it was hard to do, and hard for her to hear.

[BigMamaBird]

I haven't, but I would if I knew there were serious issues and I couldn't trust myself to keep my mouth shut during the "speak now or forever hold your peace" bit.

[Melinda in VT]

I haven't and I likely wouldn't.

 

Years and years (and a denomination ago), I heard something that stuck with me. When those around us are making what we consider to be wrong or even immoral choices, the best response we can make is the one that will draw or keep the person closest to God. Shaming, shunning, drawing a line in the sand, etc., rarely keep people close to God.

 

I have attended two weddings so far that I felt were bad matches. Both couples are now divorced, but I don't think they would have reached that point any sooner had I boycotted their weddings. All I would have done is create more hurt.

[abbeyej]

I thought about this when I feared a relative might marry an abusive @*$*#^@#. I never decided what I would do. How do you support the family member, continue to show that person love and support, while fearing this is the very biggest, most dangerous mistake of that person's life?

[Rosie_0801]

Other-

 

No, but I'm expecting to want to in the next year or two.

 

 

Rosie

[MamaSheep]

I haven't, but there are probably some circumstances that would make me at least think twice about attending.

 

And I say that even though dh's family pretty much boycotted anything to do with our wedding. Although dh's parents and brother at least recapitulated and attended one of our two receptions. We were originally only planning one reception, in the town where my parents lived so that more of my side of the family could come since dh's family had all made it very clear that they didn't approve and would not be attending. When they said they might consider going to our reception if it were held in the town where dh and I both lived and worked instead of where my family lives we threw together another reception there kind of at the last minute. It worked out well because more of our work friends could go too. His aunts and grandmothers still didn't come, though they did send us some lovely passive-aggressive wedding gifts...lol.

[*********]

Yes I have, and I've posted on her about it before. And since that thread turned a bit ugly, that's all I'll say about that. :D

 

ETA: Scarlett, if you'd like details, feel free to pm me.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

No, but I was sorely tempted to boycott my brother's wedding. Many of us were. Instead, we just placed bets on how long the marriage would last. :tongue_smilie: So not nice, I know. They stayed married almost 3 yrs., which is a lot longer than I gave it. Too bad there wasn't real cash involved, because I think dh did bet 3 yrs.

[BamaTanya]

But I've wanted to.

 

And looking back over the years, I've discovered that I'm not a very good predictor of outcomes. There have been some no-brainers, of course, but many weddings I anticipated with much joy and hope ended as I would have predicted the no-brainers to end. And others I'd have bet would end in weeks actually lasted 7 years or more.

 

I did cry through one, though. My poor 16 yo cousin. We felt as though she was a sheep being led to the slaughter. (Idiot parents, she had.)

 

She overcame a lot and finished high school and became a nurse despite extraordinarily awful circumstances -- homelessness and ill health and lack of food and 3 babies in quick succession. Guess I should have had more faith in her intelligence and motivation to make a better life for her own dc. Anything is possible, no matter how bleak it looks in a single moment.

[Annie G]

My brother married a girl because she was wealthy. She was aware he was marrying her for the money. I just didn't feel compelled to travel 900 miles to attend a sham marriage so I didn't. Yeah, they're divorced now. While she was ok with him marrying her for money, she wasn't as happy about him having two affairs at the same time while married.

He's now married to one of the women he was having an affair with. And yes, the current wife is well aware that she was just one of his mistresses.

[Pink Fairy]

I wouldn't use the word boycotted, but I have chosen not to attend a few weddings. I won't go to the wedding of a Catholic who is marrying outside of the Church, and I won't attend the wedding of someone who is divorced and remarrying. Both of these represent a legal fiction to me, and by attending I give my tacit support. I realize that this is very much a minority opinion, and I'm okay with that. I don't make a big deal about it, and I just politely return the response card indicating we won't be there.

[joannqn]

No, but there was one wedding that we (Dh and I) really wanted to skip because we didn't support the match. In the end, we decided to go and hoped it would work out despite our concerns.

 

Why? He was 39, with two preteen daughters. She was 23, sweet and naive. He was still married, but separated, when they started dating. He got her pregnant immediately after the divorce was final.

 

What happened? He moved her away from all of her family and friends shortly after the birth of the baby. She left him a couple of times. The last time she wouldn't return to him; he had to come back to her hometown. They got into a struggle with a gun during an argument. He ended up dead, and she spent several years in prison.

[Crimson Wife]

Fortunately, I have never yet been put into that situation, but I can think of ones where I would. Marrying an adultery partner would fall into that category.

[Tammyla]

I voted yes, but I'm not sure it counted as a boycott, because the wedding was hundreds of miles away. The Bride was 19 and the groom was 33 with a 10 year old, and they knew each other almost three months. Needless to say it ended in divorce. I felt really sorry for the little girl.

[BakersDozen]

Yes, I have boycotted/not attended both of my sister's weddings (not their first ones, subsequent ones).

 

I have no problem boycotting weddings for moral reasons. I won't get into it with the bride/groom so I just respond as "Not able to attend" yet I do not feel obligated to attend an event and thereby show my support for the marriage.

[RahRah]

I wouldn't use the word boycotted, but I have chosen not to attend a few weddings. I won't go to the wedding of a Catholic who is marrying outside of the Church, and I won't attend the wedding of someone who is divorced and remarrying. Both of these represent a legal fiction to me, and by attending I give my tacit support. I realize that this is very much a minority opinion, and I'm okay with that. I don't make a big deal about it, and I just politely return the response card indicating we won't be there.

 

By that, do you mean to someone not Catholic, or in a place other than inside a church?

[Robin M]

Yes. It was between my father in law (his 3rd marriage) and his brother's daughter, hence his first cousin. Sort of had a problem with it. But they are beyond child bearing years so the Church didn't have issues with it. She's a nice gal and since have gotten to know her better, but still have hard time with my son calling her grandma. kwim

 

 

 

And I'll be declining to attention my nephew's wedding because his father (who divorced my sister years ago and was very abusive) has done one of those online ordination things and will be officiating at the wedding. He's a janitor in the church. :0

Edited August 16, 2011 by Mytwoblessings
various reasons - grammar, etc.

[Parker Martin]

I have never done it, but I definitely would. Unless I was making a last ditch effort to get the person to change his/her mind, I wouldn't say why I wasn't coming, I would just say I couldn't go.

 

One reason that hasn't been mentioned: If you know beforehand that the vows say some variation of "as long as our love shall last" rather than "'til death do us part." I would not go to such a wedding because I wouldn't consider it to be a wedding at all but rather some kind of "We're boyfriend girlfriend for serious!" event.

[Audrey]

No, but I have wrangled my way out of being in a wedding party. I felt very uncomfortable being asked because I knew the bride only briefly and many years prior to the wedding (she lived with me and another roommate in college - she only stayed 3 months). It was a strange, out-of-the-blue invitation and request to be a bride's maid. I told her I couldn't afford the cost of the dress (which wasn't a lie). We ended up not even going to the wedding because my father was critically ill and actually passed away the same weekend.

 

Frankly, I'm still clueless as to why I was even asked in the first place.

 

ETA: I don't think I'd ever boycott a wedding. If I don't want to go, I say I'm not able to attend. We get a LOT of wedding invitations. We rarely accept ones that aren't family (there are enough of those!) or close friends. We don't attend any of those destination weddings, even if it is family. Neither dh nor I care for weddings as such. We support the idea of marriage, but don't really have much nice to say about most weddings.

Edited August 16, 2011 by Audrey

[cathmom]

Yes, I did not attend my father's wedding. There were very complicated circumstances surrounding it and I decided not to go.

 

We were invited my dd's riding instructor's wedding, which was outdoors. Since Catholics are supposed to get married in a church, and she was a very impressionable age, I decided not to attend. I didn't want her spending her life thinking that this was the most romantic way to get married ever - she rode up on a horse and they rode off together on a horse.

[Heather in Neverland]

No and I doubt I would if I were close to the person. It would have to be something REALLY off the charts... Like the groom was a convicted pedophile or something... Before I would.

 

Other than that, it just seems too holier than thou and I am not going to cast the first stone, that's for sure.

 

Even if my friend were marrying someone abusive I would be there because goodness knows she is going to need me. As far as divorce and remarriage? It takes two to ruin a marriage and I am not going to sit in judgment.

 

My mother got pregnant by her boyfriend who just happened to be divorced. They wanted to get married but her whole family and the entire church wouldn't "allow" it because of the divorce. So they didn't. She moved away and her child never got to know her father. That child was me. My mom never got over it.

 

Many years ago my whole extended family boycotted my cousin's marriage because she married a man of a different race than her. My immediate family are the only ones who attended. I will NEVER forget the hurt in her eyes that day.

 

Think twice people.

[Renthead Mommy]

I guess you could say we boycotted my brother's wedding.

 

I was supposed to be one of 12 bridesmaids, only because I shared DNA with the groom. I'm sure the bride didn't really want me in it, but it wouldn't look right to have 11 bridesmaids (uneven number) and to not have his only sister in it. (They, and my mom, were really big on what looked right.) I certainly didn't want me in and said that. My mother threw a fit, told everyone I was in it and went and bought my dress. So I agreed to basically be in the wedding of strangers.

 

I never got asked to do a single bridesmaid thing, but luckily, I never got asked to write any checks either.

 

What it came down to, about 3 days before the wedding, was my brother treating me like crap. After letting him live with us after his divorce, taking care of his 3yo (to/from daycare, taking sick days when 3yo was sick, along with regular child raising) for 2 years, not metion keeping his Rot, which wa only supposed to be for 3 weeks, but turned into another 1 1/2 after my brother moved out, he had the nerve to be such a complete and total jerk. After they were doing me such the favor by letting me be in their wedding!

 

Well that did it. We said screw it and didn't go. I cancelled our hotel reservation and told my G'ma why we wouldn't be there.

 

The bride and my mother were upset because they'd already printed up the programs and now they'd have more bridesmaids listed than were standing up there! (Plus now there would be an uneven number of 11! :eek:)

 

They got over it. They never saw they had done anything wrong. My mother finally admited years later that perhaps forcing me to be in the wedding wasn't the correct thing to do. However the forcing me to be in it wasn't the reason we boycotted.

 

I don't know if I'd boycott a wedding based on your reasons. The abuse parts would be bothersome. For other reasons, well if people want to be stupid, sometimes there is just nothing you can do about it. Might as well go and and enjoy the party with your friends. At many wedding receptions, there is often discussion as to 'well how long do you think this will last??"

[eewaggie99]

I picked "other." I would have boycotted the wedding until the bride wised up to the physical and emotional abuse the groom-to-be dished out. Afterwards, she found out additional behavior that led to multiple criminal charges. I could not have choked out happiness for her because he gave me the creepy-crawlies.

[ChiMomNP]

No, but if it was a wedding marrying affair partners it wouldn't be a wedding I would attend. That would be way too painful and stir up all kinds of issues for us.

[Scarlett]

No, but there was one wedding that we (Dh and I) really wanted to skip because we didn't support the match. In the end, we decided to go and hoped it would work out despite our concerns.

 

Why? He was 39, with two preteen daughters. She was 23, sweet and naive. He was still married, but separated, when they started dating. He got her pregnant immediately after the divorce was final.

 

What happened? He moved her away from all of her family and friends shortly after the birth of the baby. She left him a couple of times. The last time she wouldn't return to him; he had to come back to her hometown. They got into a struggle with a gun during an argument. He ended up dead, and she spent several years in prison.

 

OH MY Heavens! That was like a knife in my heart!

[Caterpiller]

divorced his 2nd wife and less then a year later wants to wed ANOTHER woman, this time a mother of 2!!! :confused: boycott! :D luckily the 3rd didn't go through. WHEW! Oh and he wasn't yet 25 before all this took place.

Edited August 16, 2011 by Caterpiller

[Parrothead]

Have I? No. Would I? Yes, if the circumstances were extreme enough.

[Scarlett]

Wow. I love all these replies. I waffle between 'I'm not the boss of the world' and "I can't support some horrible union". It would have to be a bad situation for me to not attend.

 

I wouldn't boycott on the basis of two people not knowing each other very long. (That was me almost a year ago).

 

I would boycott for a number of other reasons, although I would not announce said boycott except perhaps to my closest friend or family. Most of the 'reasons' I would boycott for would be VERY evident to anyone who knows me well and to anyone who doesn't, well they wouldn't care so I wouldn't announce it.

 

I am surprised at the number of you who would end a relationship with someone who boycotted your wedding. I figure everyone has the right to their opinions and beliefs. If they feel that strongly about it how could I fault them for doing what they felt was right?

 

Oddly enough I had a fairly close friend refuse to attend my personal shower but she came to our reception (which was several weeks after the private wedding). She is still my friend. :)

[Scarlett]

As far as divorce and remarriage? It takes two to ruin a marriage and I am not going to sit in judgment.

 

It does not take two to ruin a marriage. It takes two to make it work, but one can definitely destroy it. However, I wouldn't refuse to attend a wedding of a couple just because one or both were divorced. Even if one of them CAUSED their divorce. People make mistakes and life goes on. I would only refuse if they were adultery partners.

 

My mother got pregnant by her boyfriend who just happened to be divorced. They wanted to get married but her whole family and the entire church wouldn't "allow" it because of the divorce. So they didn't. She moved away and her child never got to know her father. That child was me. My mom never got over it.

 

This is sad and I am sorry for your mom. And you. This is the kind of wedding I would NOT refuse to attend.

 

 

 

Many years ago my whole extended family boycotted my cousin's marriage because she married a man of a different race than her. My immediate family are the only ones who attended. I will NEVER forget the hurt in her eyes that day.

 

Think twice people.

 

Again, very sad.

[Melinda in VT]

I am surprised at the number of you who would end a relationship with someone who boycotted your wedding. I figure everyone has the right to their opinions and beliefs. If they feel that strongly about it how could I fault them for doing what they felt was right?

 

 

 

I would like to think that if someone boycotted my wedding I could be the bigger person and forgive them for that, but to be honest, it would probably take years, and I doubt our relationship would ever be the same.

 

People feel strongly about all sorts of evil, hurtful behavior.

[Scarlett]

I forgot that my Inlaws boycotted my first wedding. It didn't bother me so much but it hurt my XH deeply. Their reasons were not valid to ME, or even to most people, but they refused to come. She felt XH was marrying beneath him and was furious because of his conversion.

 

I will never forget the night before the wedding...he came over to my house after he made one last attempt to talk them in to coming. It was heartbreaking. She spent the next 26 years trying to get us divorced. I think it royally screwed him up.

[kalanamak]

I wouldn't say boycott, but have declined to go. When one of the pair has been rude or mean to me, personally.

[Scarlett]

I would like to think that if someone boycotted my wedding I could be the bigger person and forgive them for that, but to be honest, it would probably take years, and I doubt our relationship would ever be the same.

 

People feel strongly about all sorts of evil, hurtful behavior.

 

Well, sure. But is it really evil and hurtful to take a stand and not support a union you feel is somehow very wrong? In the end the reasons and the manner of boycott do matter....but just the fact of a boycott would not hurt me overmuch. Like my friend...I just laughed. I was 45....I had been through Hades in my previous marriage. I did not need her validation for my new marriage....and she refused to give it because I 'didn't know him long enough.'