She said to me...

[Aubrey]

The house is 3 levels:

 

1. 3 bedrooms--hers, office, kids--& bathroom

 

2. living room, kitchen

 

3. basement: 2nd living room, bath, bedroom

 

 

She's buying a gate for the stairs & doesn't want anyone (but me) on the top level. She said the littles would be fine w/ using the non-working bathroom in the basement since they don't have "privacy issues." (There's no door or curtain, & the window opens to the street.)

 

Since the downstairs isn't finished & most of our stuff is in the 11x12 bedroom, I'm not sure where she wants them to sleep. But you know, technically, we're still welcome.

 

That was the bad. The worse:

 

After coming to the hotel last night, I took the bigs out to run an errand & talk. I found out that she yelled at 10yo, telling HIM:

 

1. Dh BROKE her computer & isn't allowed upstairs any more because of it.

 

2. The littles are disobedient, irresponsible, & not properly watched/taken care of. Just like any other children.

 

3. I am an irresponsible parent & if I'm not going to take better care of my children, I should stop having babies. Based on the tiny bit my dc know about bc, this is almost the equivalent of telling them that their mother should start killing their sibs. (All of this comes from the night we arrived & SHE put them in the tub & then went to bed; apparently I did not hop up fast enough--after arriving from TX & before cleaning her house for a place to sleep--to help them in the tub.)

 

4. That 10yo NEEDS to know all of this because he's the oldest, & it's his responsibility.

 

I found out that both bigs have been secretly crying themselves to sleep over the stress. :crying:

[Impish]

Oh geez.

 

Please look into housing services if you haven't already. Get on whatever lists that exist.

 

This is plain insane. I'm so, so sorry :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

your mother has serious issues. I think the sooner you can get out, the better off you'll all be. This has got to be beyond HORRENDOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. :grouphug:

[mommaduck]

I have a question: is you mother showing signs of dementia or is this just her norm? (I ask in all sincerity)

[Desert Rat]

No words, just hugs.

[Aubrey]

Oh geez.

 

Please look into housing services if you haven't already. Get on whatever lists that exist.

 

This is plain insane. I'm so, so sorry :grouphug:

 

We have, but it looks like there are long waiting lists & lotteries.

 

She's been begging us to move here for 10 yrs. She called me 3x/day. She'd shop for the kids & me at least once a week & then send us boxes of random junk. She wanted us to live w/ her partly to make sure I'd still be able to hs.

 

She told me before we came that she'd give us all the space we needed--even up to moving out herself. We'd pay her rent & she'd pay the mtg. She told me that we should have as many kids as God gave us, that she believed it was our call, we were great parents, etc.

 

It's obviously a medical issue to go so far from one direction to another, & I feel like an IDIOT for thinking this would work, BUT

 

a) dh's breathing was bad enough that neither of us was sure he'd survive the summer in TX &

 

b) *I* have been hurt by her; I'd never seen her hurt my kids. Oh. my. gosh. That's worse. Obviously, but wow. I've been lucky enough to never *really* see my kids hurt. It SUCKS to want to tear my own mother's eyes out. I grew up seeing her hurt & wanting nothing but to protect her, & now I feel completely crushed & schizophrenic.

 

Shoot. That's all, just. Shoot.

[Aubrey]

I have a question: is you mother showing signs of dementia or is this just her norm? (I ask in all sincerity)

 

I don't know what the signs of dementia are, but she's only 54. She's pretty much always had periods like this. They'd come out of nowhere. I would never have considered living w/ her before she was medicated (for ADHD), but really, her mother is like this, too. My greatest fear in all of this is that it's just a matter of time before I realize that I'm like them. :(

[woolybear]

:grouphug: I am so, so sorry. There's got to be something else for you all.

[mommaduck]

I don't know what the signs of dementia are, but she's only 54. She's pretty much always had periods like this. They'd come out of nowhere. I would never have considered living w/ her before she was medicated (for ADHD), but really, her mother is like this, too. My greatest fear in all of this is that it's just a matter of time before I realize that I'm like them. :(

 

:grouphug: My maternal grandmother is emotionally damaged, my mother is emotionally damaged...it's looking like my cousins and I have broken the cycle, but I understand the fear. It's hard and we have to work so hard to not be that person.

[annandatje]

If I recall correctly from your earlier posts, your mother was known for being somewhat difficult. Thus, strife could be foreseen. It would be a stressful situation even for an optimistic perpetually cheerful person.

 

Honestly if I were a parent who had decided to allow a my child's family of (soon) 7 live with me because of their financial difficulties, I would need an area off limits for my own sanity.

 

Cut her some slack. She is trying to help you the best she knows how. Although she may say things in a hurtful undiplomatic manner, it sounds like she has your and your children's best interests at heart and has made some legitimate points. I know it is hard to remember this when you are feeling constantly criticized by her, but I'm just trying to see it from her side too. Granted she does seem a tad nitpicky about possessions, but some folks are just that way.

 

What would you have done if you did not have her to fall back on? Perhaps it is time to do whatever that is. Have you been in touch with county social workers to investigate other possibilities for help obtaining food, shelter, and medical care?

[Impish]

We have, but it looks like there are long waiting lists & lotteries.

 

She's been begging us to move here for 10 yrs. She called me 3x/day. She'd shop for the kids & me at least once a week & then send us boxes of random junk. She wanted us to live w/ her partly to make sure I'd still be able to hs.

 

She told me before we came that she'd give us all the space we needed--even up to moving out herself. We'd pay her rent & she'd pay the mtg. She told me that we should have as many kids as God gave us, that she believed it was our call, we were great parents, etc.

 

It's obviously a medical issue to go so far from one direction to another, & I feel like an IDIOT for thinking this would work, BUT

 

a) dh's breathing was bad enough that neither of us was sure he'd survive the summer in TX &

 

b) *I* have been hurt by her; I'd never seen her hurt my kids. Oh. my. gosh. That's worse. Obviously, but wow. I've been lucky enough to never *really* see my kids hurt. It SUCKS to want to tear my own mother's eyes out. I grew up seeing her hurt & wanting nothing but to protect her, & now I feel completely crushed & schizophrenic.

 

Shoot. That's all, just. Shoot.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[justamouse]

I think there's a little more than ADHD going on there. And I agree with Mommaduck, you can be the one that breaks it (not the ADHD, but the instability cycles). My cousins and I have, too.

[Kim in Appalachia]

How terrible! What an awful woman. I'm sorry you are forced into this. :grouphug: I hope you can quickly get somewhere else. :grouphug:

[k2bdeutmeyer]

:grouphug: Wow! I am without words.

[Desert Rat]

When we first moved to a new city when I was about 12 and my brother was 9, we lived with my dad's brother and his wife. They had a small child. It was super abusive. We watched my dad have to restrain my uncle from hitting his wife. Both my aunt and uncle belittled my brother and me. Both my parents worked evenings. What they did was move a tv into their bedroom (we slept on the floor in my cousin's room), and we would stay in there, doing homework and watching tv until they got home around 11:30pm. We usually fell asleep in there and would sleep on the floor. We lived there for 2.5 months until my parents could get a place to live.

I protected my brother from the worst of it when my parents weren't there. My parents did their very best to protect us. BTW, my dad had to move from the midwest to a dry climate because of his breathing problems, which is maybe why I read your threads with so much interest.

We all did what we had to and we made it. In my case, we saw that uncle only once that I can remember after we moved out of his home. There was a lot of disfunction between the brothers to begin with. It wasn't the living arrangements that caused the rift.

I guess, all this to say, as the kids in that situation, it was rough but we did it and we've had a good life here since. I can't help feeling sad for your oldest though. It's a terrible situation to be in. It's probably time to sit down and tell them about your mom's problems and what to do when she starts talking about grown up stuff with them. I had to have this talk with my own last year and it's a hard one.

Poor kids! Hang in there, Aubrey.

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: When is her appt to get back on meds again??

[clarkacademy]

Forget about waiting lists and lotteries still get on them! You never know what will happen in a few weeks so get on the lists. Even if it takes a bit that is better than just nothing.

[*Inna*]

I'm sorry.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

My heart breaks for your 10y/o. I can imagine how thoroughly confused he is right now. :(

[QueenCat]

I don't know what the signs of dementia are, but she's only 54. She's pretty much always had periods like this. They'd come out of nowhere. I would never have considered living w/ her before she was medicated (for ADHD), but really, her mother is like this, too. My greatest fear in all of this is that it's just a matter of time before I realize that I'm like them. :(

 

Aubrey,

I have known two people to suffer from Alzheimers in their 40s, really. To me, your mom shows signs of unmedicated/unmanaged bipolar. People with bipolar can't just snap out of it, and often don't realize how hurtful they are being, or how unreasonable. My mom has bipolar. She is a whole new person now that her medical condition is well taken care of. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Many :grouphug:s and prayers.

[2cents]

There's got to be another place you can stay. This is an intolerable situation and she sounds unstable. Have you tried contacting the local churches? Many times they can help you out or refer you to places that can help. Also, you should visit the local aid office to see if you can get emergency aid and get on a low cost housing list ASAP. This situation is becoming steadily more unhealthy for all of you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[simka2]

Forget about waiting lists and lotteries still get on them! You never know what will happen in a few weeks so get on the lists. Even if it takes a bit that is better than just nothing.

 

:iagree:Also, does your mother go to church. It may be time to ask for some pastoral counseling. I am the last person to suggest this, but if she might listen to a minister it is at least worth a try!

[caayenne]

There's got to be another place you can stay. This is an intolerable situation and she sounds unstable. Have you tried contacting the local churches? Many times they can help you out or refer you to places that can help. Also, you should visit the local aid office to see if you can get emergency aid and get on a low cost housing list ASAP. This situation is becoming steadily more unhealthy for all of you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

:iagree:completely. And until you can get out of this situation, please stay clear of your mom as much as you can. There very likely is a medical reason for her behavior (I agree that it sounds like unmedicated bipolar, or maybe Borderline Personality Disorder?), but that doesn't mean that it's okay for her to treat you and your children this way. It's emotional abuse either way. You talk about how she's treated you this way your whole life. That was not okay then, and it's not okay now. And it's really, really not okay for her to treat your children like this. It's manipulative and awful to say bad things about you, your husband, or your children to anyone, but especially to a 10 year old child. Do not let this slide; tell her to stop.

 

Please do anything and everything you can to get your family into any other living situation as soon as you can. I've met you and your kids, and it breaks my heart to think of your kids crying themselves to sleep from stress.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Andrea

[Random]

I don't know what the signs of dementia are, but she's only 54. She's pretty much always had periods like this. They'd come out of nowhere. I would never have considered living w/ her before she was medicated (for ADHD), but really, her mother is like this, too. My greatest fear in all of this is that it's just a matter of time before I realize that I'm like them. :(

 

:grouphug:

 

You are not your mother.

[swellmomma]

The house is 3 levels:

 

1. 3 bedrooms--hers, office, kids--& bathroom

 

2. living room, kitchen

 

3. basement: 2nd living room, bath, bedroom

 

 

She's buying a gate for the stairs & doesn't want anyone (but me) on the top level. She said the littles would be fine w/ using the non-working bathroom in the basement since they don't have "privacy issues." (There's no door or curtain, & the window opens to the street.)

 

Since the downstairs isn't finished & most of our stuff is in the 11x12 bedroom, I'm not sure where she wants them to sleep. But you know, technically, we're still welcome.

 

That was the bad. The worse:

 

After coming to the hotel last night, I took the bigs out to run an errand & talk. I found out that she yelled at 10yo, telling HIM:

 

1. Dh BROKE her computer & isn't allowed upstairs any more because of it.

 

2. The littles are disobedient, irresponsible, & not properly watched/taken care of. Just like any other children.

 

3. I am an irresponsible parent & if I'm not going to take better care of my children, I should stop having babies. Based on the tiny bit my dc know about bc, this is almost the equivalent of telling them that their mother should start killing their sibs. (All of this comes from the night we arrived & SHE put them in the tub & then went to bed; apparently I did not hop up fast enough--after arriving from TX & before cleaning her house for a place to sleep--to help them in the tub.)

 

4. That 10yo NEEDS to know all of this because he's the oldest, & it's his responsibility.

 

I found out that both bigs have been secretly crying themselves to sleep over the stress. :crying:

 

 

It's time to get out. No matter what financial hardship there is you have to get out. She crossed a major line taking this to a child. Holy Hannah, how did you handle it when you found out? Being the confrontational person I am when it comes to my kids I know what I would do. But I know not everyone is. Big :grouphug: to you and the kids for having to live with this witch.

[Pink Fairy]

I'm so sorry, Aubrey. :( What a heartrending disappointment to find out you can't trust your mom with your children. And to know that she hurt them--I almost can't think of anything more painful. :grouphug:

[Night Elf]

I don't know the whole situation, but it sounds like she's had some alone time with some of the kids. Can you stop that? Find a way to interject. Maybe tell her you don't want to bother her and you are capable of caring for your children, getting them baths and whatever.

 

It's easy to hang a curtain on the bathroom door. It's not perfect but it's better than having nothing there.

 

You said you were the only one allowed on the top level. Are you referring to the very top level where she has the 3 bedrooms? I wouldn't go up there at all. I would tell her that you need to stick with your family and it wouldn't be fair for you to have access to a part of the house that they cannot enter. If it's the kitchen level, I would put my foot down and tell her that the kids cannot spend all their time in the basement, even eating their meals there.

 

What is her reasoning for taking the level with all of the bedrooms when your immediate family is too large for one bedroom? Is your rent reflective of the very small amount of space you have in the whole house?

[sassenach]

Aubrey,

I have known two people to suffer from Alzheimers in their 40s, really. To me, your mom shows signs of unmedicated/unmanaged bipolar. People with bipolar can't just snap out of it, and often don't realize how hurtful they are being, or how unreasonable. My mom has bipolar. She is a whole new person now that her medical condition is well taken care of. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Many :grouphug:s and prayers.

 

:iagree: That's what I was thinking, too. And she's just being treated for ADHD, right? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I remember you posting about Bipolar running in your family, am I right?

 

Not that us diagnosing her does a bit of good for you right now. I am praying that this season will come to a close very soon for you. I believe that God is with you, even in this pit and that He will purpose this for you. Dh and I have had to walk this road of going from protecting our children from family members with mental illness, to helping them navigate it along with us. It sucks. Dh's mom has undiagnosed/untreated mental illness (sometimes she seems bipolar, but what I really think she has is paranoid personality disorder), and his brother is schizophrenic. And they live together :eek:. As the kids have gotten older, they have unfortunately been exposed to more and more of those issues. We just try to limit their exposure as best we can, and talk everything through as they have to deal with it.

 

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. For what it's worth, I think having a dh that is alive makes it worth it, but I sure hope the next thing comes along soon for you guys.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[katilac]

This is not an unmedicated ADHD problem. Your mom certainly might have ADHD, but all the things you have said about her have long had me thinking bipolar disorder. I realize that moving out might be truly impossible right now, but I would do everything in my power to keep the kids away from her as much as possible, and to move towards getting out of there. If she has untreated bipolar, she's very likely to say and do things to them that will make these current statements seem like child's play.

 

Tack a blanket over the window in the downstairs bathroom and let them sleep in the hallway, but try to keep them away from her. Get on every list and lottery that exists. Look into WIC. Look into welfare. Open the phone book and call every church listed. Get in touch with Catholic Charities; you don't need to be Catholic, and they offer a wide variety of services (and can steer you in the right direction for things they don't offer). Let all of them know you are pregnant and have small kids who are in a bad situation.

 

Most Catholic Churches (I dont' know about others) also have food pantries and a certain level of money to give out at their discretion; call and ask for an appointment. This can often be done quite quickly, there is not as much paperwork/approvals required.

 

I can't remember the full deal with your inlaws. Is borrowing money at all a possibility?

 

I'm not trying to make a bad situation worse by scaring you, but whether it's bipolar or something else, your mom does not sound stable to me. And you can't really help her until you are in a stable situation yourself. So for now, just get by as well as you can, and get any help you can to get out of there.

 

:grouphug:

[Pretty in Pink]

I agree that this sounds like bipolar.

 

You and your dh have got to set up some boundaries for your family while you stay in that house. Everyone stays off the top floor, period, unless you or dh accompany them to use the shower (you said the downstairs bathroom doesn't work...does it have a shower? a flushing toilet?).

 

Confine yourselves to the first floor and basement. I know it sucks. Pretend it's all you've got to work with and do the best that you can. I would go about my business sort of as if it were my home as far as cleaning and meal prep and such.

 

Do not leave the children unsupervised with her.

 

Someone suggested that you check into housing referrals and such; you said that you did and the wait lists are too long. Fine. But are you on the lists? Get on every list that you can. Have you applied for other assistance yet (WIC, EBT/Food Stamps/whatever it's called these days)? You need to do those things ASAP. Have you contacted any local churches yet? You never know. Maybe someone has a small guest home or garage apartment they would be willing to sublet to you temporarily.

[Moxie]

It's time to get out. No matter what financial hardship there is you have to get out. She crossed a major line taking this to a child. Holy Hannah, how did you handle it when you found out? Being the confrontational person I am when it comes to my kids I know what I would do. But I know not everyone is. Big :grouphug: to you and the kids for having to live with this witch.

 

But if there is NO MONEY, how can she get out? It isn't like there is some hidden credit card somewhere she could max out if she had to, right?

 

I think you need to confront your mother (and not in a nice way) and let her know that you know what she said and she totally crossed the line. Let her know that you will question the children about EVERY conversation they have with her. MAKE her go to the doctor because she is clearly unstable. Then try to keep the kids away from her as much as you can until you find a better situation. Have you gone to her church and asked for help? What about St. Vincent de Paul? They help a lot of people in my area, I don't know if they are all so active. :grouphug::grouphug:

Edited August 15, 2011 by Moxie

[DaffodilDreams]

I don't know what the signs of dementia are, but she's only 54. She's pretty much always had periods like this. They'd come out of nowhere. I would never have considered living w/ her before she was medicated (for ADHD), but really, her mother is like this, too. My greatest fear in all of this is that it's just a matter of time before I realize that I'm like them. :(

 

 

Edited to delete personal details. Just know that I understand the feeling of not wanting to inherit someone else's questionable personality.

 

I have been reading your threads with knots in my stomach because this situation doesn't sound like it's going anywhere good. I know your choices are limited right now, but I pray that somehow you and your family can find a comfortable, stable home of your own soon. I pray your mother doesn't inflict anymore anguish on you or your family members whether you do live with her long term or not. I am so very, very sorry all of you are going through this. You have my deepest empathy.

Edited August 15, 2011 by kimmie38017

[swellmomma]

But if there is NO MONEY, how can she get out? It isn't like there is some hidden credit card somewhere she could max out if she had to, right?

 

 

 

In this case I would say it counts as abuse. If it were me even with no money I owuld be looking at shelters, or low income housing etc Services to get out and get my kids safe. To me it is no different than a mom leaving an abusive husband. No money is not an excuse. There is services to get out of these situations, you just have to find them. Start at the church and branch out. I have no money, I have to credit cards. I had none of those and no job etc, babies at home and still left the home that was unsafe for me and the kids and 99.9% of the issue was verbal abuse like what her mother does to her and poured out on her ds. I am not talking about going further into debt to get out, I am talking about not using a lack of finances as a reason to keep your family in an unstable and unhealthy situation.

[Harriet Vane]

In this case I would say it counts as abuse. If it were me even with no money I owuld be looking at shelters, or low income housing etc Services to get out and get my kids safe. To me it is no different than a mom leaving an abusive husband. No money is not an excuse. There is services to get out of these situations, you just have to find them. Start at the church and branch out. I have no money, I have to credit cards. I had none of those and no job etc, babies at home and still left the home that was unsafe for me and the kids and 99.9% of the issue was verbal abuse like what her mother does to her and poured out on her ds. I am not talking about going further into debt to get out, I am talking about not using a lack of finances as a reason to keep your family in an unstable and unhealthy situation.

 

While I agree that this situation is unstable, dysfunctional, and very unhappy, I do not see "abuse" and I do not see a lack of physical safety. There is no beating or hitting, no drunkenness or drug abuse. No weapons. No one is starving of deprived or water, shelter, or clothing. A shelter is far more unstable than this situation.

 

Having said that, I affirm to Aubrey that this situation is unhappy, dysfunctional, and so very difficult, and I am sorry from the bottom of my heart that it is this way. I do not know what the answers are for you, but I DO know that you are smart enough and insightful enough to figure this out.

 

Praying for you every day . . . :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[AuntieM]

(sorry, dashing out and can't read all the replies at the moment.)

 

Aubrey, whatever you do, don't beat yourself up. You did what was necessary, when it became necessary. Obviously, this is now just another short term stopover to where you really belong.

 

I don't know what your next step will or should be, but I am praying for you and your family. I have learned that kids, especially at the age of your eldest, really do have a sense of which people are really the crazy ones. I am sorry they are feeling any guilt or stress over the matter, but I suspect they will trust in your reassurances that they are not the problem.

 

I can only imagine how exhausted you are - mentally, physically, emotionally. You all just huddle up, stick together as a little nuclear family, and get your dh through his classes. Hopefully that will open doors and you can move along. Actually, I hope you can move along very soon, somehow, some way. But until that moment arrives, watch out for each other and cheer dh through to the goal. And we will keep praying and cheering you on as well.:grouphug::grouphug:

[katilac]

But if there is NO MONEY, how can she get out? It isn't like there is some hidden credit card somewhere she could max out if she had to, right?

 

I think you need to confront your mother (and not in a nice way) and let her know that you know what she said and she totally crossed the line. Let her know that you will question the children about EVERY conversation they have with her. MAKE her go to the doctor because she is clearly unstable. Then try to keep the kids away from her as much as you can until you find a better situation. Have you gone to her church and asked for help? What about St. Vincent de Paul? They help a lot of people in my area, I don't know if they are all so active. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

I would confront an UNPLEASANT person, a rude person, a selfish person, but I would not confront an unstable person that my family had to live with. Unstable people often thrive on confrontation. You can't win because they are always willing to escalate. You can't win because they will not only not honor any agreements you make in the confrontation, they won't even remember making them.

 

Most of all, a confrontation, especially one done "not in a nice way," with an unstable person has the potential to escalate quickly and badly. I personally would not do it.

 

Unfortunately, Aubrey can NOT make her mom go to the doctor. If she somehow could, the doctor could not force treatment. People (in the US) are allowed to be as unstable as they like, as long as they are not posing a clear danger to themselves or others, which her mom is not.

 

The quickest solution I can think of is to start asking for emergency help, to hold them over until they can get ongoing services.

[caayenne]

(sorry, dashing out and can't read all the replies at the moment.)

 

Aubrey, whatever you do, don't beat yourself up. You did what was necessary, when it became necessary. Obviously, this is now just another short term stopover to where you really belong.

 

I don't know what your next step will or should be, but I am praying for you and your family. I have learned that kids, especially at the age of your eldest, really do have a sense of which people are really the crazy ones. I am sorry they are feeling any guilt or stress over the matter, but I suspect they will trust in your reassurances that they are not the problem.

 

I can only imagine how exhausted you are - mentally, physically, emotionally. You all just huddle up, stick together as a little nuclear family, and get your dh through his classes. Hopefully that will open doors and you can move along. Actually, I hope you can move along very soon, somehow, some way. But until that moment arrives, watch out for each other and cheer dh through to the goal. And we will keep praying and cheering you on as well.:grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

Absolutely!

[caayenne]

This is not an unmedicated ADHD problem. Your mom certainly might have ADHD, but all the things you have said about her have long had me thinking bipolar disorder. I realize that moving out might be truly impossible right now, but I would do everything in my power to keep the kids away from her as much as possible, and to move towards getting out of there.

 

Tack a blanket over the window in the downstairs bathroom and let them sleep in the hallway, but try to keep them away from her. Get on every list and lottery that exists. Look into WIC. Look into welfare. Open the phone book and call every church listed. Get in touch with Catholic Charities; you don't need to be Catholic, and they offer a wide variety of services (and can steer you in the right direction for things they don't offer). Let all of them know you are pregnant and have small kids who are in a bad situation.

 

Most Catholic Churches (I dont' know about others) also have food pantries and a certain level of money to give out at their discretion; call and ask for an appointment. This can often be done quite quickly, there is not as much paperwork/approvals required.

 

I can't remember the full deal with your inlaws. Is borrowing money at all a possibility?

 

I'm not trying to make a bad situation worse by scaring you, but whether it's bipolar or something else, your mom does not sound stable to me. And you can't really help her until you are in a stable situation yourself. So for now, just get by as well as you can, and get any help you can to get out of there.

 

:grouphug:

 

This is all very good advice. I was wondering about your in-laws, too. Have you spoken with them at all since you've been in Colorado?

[Joanne]

Aubrey,

I have known two people to suffer from Alzheimers in their 40s, really. To me, your mom shows signs of unmedicated/unmanaged bipolar. People with bipolar can't just snap out of it, and often don't realize how hurtful they are being, or how unreasonable. My mom has bipolar. She is a whole new person now that her medical condition is well taken care of. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Many :grouphug:s and prayers.

 

Or borderline. Or histrionic. Statistically, it's unlikely to be early onset dementia. Her mom is closer to my age than the OP. :001_huh:

[Pink Fairy]

I would confront an UNPLEASANT person, a rude person, a selfish person, but I would not confront an unstable person that my family had to live with. Unstable people often thrive on confrontation. You can't win because they are always willing to escalate. You can't win because they will not only not honor any agreements you make in the confrontation, they won't even remember making them.

 

Most of all, a confrontation, especially one done "not in a nice way," with an unstable person has the potential to escalate quickly and badly. I personally would not do it.

 

Unfortunately, Aubrey can NOT make her mom go to the doctor. If she somehow could, the doctor could not force treatment. People (in the US) are allowed to be as unstable as they like, as long as they are not posing a clear danger to themselves or others, which her mom is not.

 

The quickest solution I can think of is to start asking for emergency help, to hold them over until they can get ongoing services.

 

:iagree: I don't have much personal experience with mentally ill family members, but the little I do have matches up with this advice.

[KidsHappen]

Unfortunately, I am going to have to agree with the many others that have mentioned bi-polar. As a bi-polar person myself, your description of her actions sounds uncomfortably close to home when I am unmedicated. Even when I am correctly medicated and balanced I still have some odd issues that I work very hard to keep under control. My recent rearranging of the entire house was due to the fact that my college students moved back home. Of course I want them here but it was very hard to find a way for everyone to co-exist comfortably while still meeting everyone's needs. While we still have some fine tuning to do, I think that for the most part we have worked out the best solution but I can tell you that my family was not happy with me during the process (and remember, I am medicated). Has your mother seen a psych. and been evaluated? Is she open to the idea? Have you tried talking to her dr. While he can't tell you much,, he can listen to what you have to say and take that into consideration when evaluating her. I am so sorry that you are going through this and that it is so difficult. I hope that some peace and resolution come soon. :grouphug:

[Aubrey]

I don't know the whole situation, but it sounds like she's had some alone time with some of the kids. Can you stop that? Find a way to interject. Maybe tell her you don't want to bother her and you are capable of caring for your children, getting them baths and whatever.

 

It's easy to hang a curtain on the bathroom door. It's not perfect but it's better than having nothing there.

 

You said you were the only one allowed on the top level. Are you referring to the very top level where she has the 3 bedrooms? I wouldn't go up there at all. I would tell her that you need to stick with your family and it wouldn't be fair for you to have access to a part of the house that they cannot enter. If it's the kitchen level, I would put my foot down and tell her that the kids cannot spend all their time in the basement, even eating their meals there.

 

Ideally, we wouldn't, but the bathroom downstairs is on the wrong side of the Styx River of Renovation. The only other bathroom is up there.

 

Once there's floor in the basement, my plan was to put our dining table down there, & yeah--feed the kids in the basement. SHE is the one who insisted we take space upstairs & failed to tell me that the bathroom downstairs was currently unusable. Can you imagine what it's been like 7mos pg to trapse through construction debris in the middle of the night to get to her bathroom?

 

What is her reasoning for taking the level with all of the bedrooms when your immediate family is too large for one bedroom? Is your rent reflective of the very small amount of space you have in the whole house?

 

At one point (before we moved), she offered to take the basement. I said no, because I think it's important that her house feel like hers & not invaded. She wanted the dc to have a room upstairs because there's so little space downstairs. Again, I said no--I wanted her to feel like she still had her space. This sent her over the edge, & finally she told me to do whatever I wanted w/ the room--she'd already cleaned it out.

 

But we got there, & she hadn't cleaned it out, & there was nowhere else for the kids to sleep anyway. The kitchen, mid-level living room, & entire downstairs were covered in tools, etc. The downstairs was also covered in mud (spackle), paint buckets, construction trash, etc.

[QueenCat]

I think you need to confront your mother (and not in a nice way) and let her know that you know what she said and she totally crossed the line. Let her know that you will question the children about EVERY conversation they have with her. MAKE her go to the doctor because she is clearly unstable.

 

Ugh, if her mother is bipolar, undiagnosed and unmedicated, that could send her over a very scary edge that could cause physical harm to someone, or damage to property. Getting her to a doctor would be a good thing, if the doctor will listen to family members as her mom is not likely to realize or remember the intensity of her actions.

[Aubrey]

This is not an unmedicated ADHD problem. Your mom certainly might have ADHD, but all the things you have said about her have long had me thinking bipolar disorder.

 

This is basically why the dr won't treat the ADHD any more--until mom gets a dx for whatever else is going on, dr doesn't want to cloud the issues. If that makes sense.

 

I realize that moving out might be truly impossible right now, but I would do everything in my power to keep the kids away from her as much as possible, and to move towards getting out of there. If she has untreated bipolar, she's very likely to say and do things to them that will make these current statements seem like child's play.

 

This is my real concern. She told me she got in trouble at work last week when she took a particular rx. She threatened to kill coworkers. She rarely takes this rx, & I asked her to tell me if she did again.

 

She took it Sat night, but didn't tell me until Sun noon. Based on that, I'm honestly glad I came home to LIVING freaked-out kids. I really don't think she'd do worse, but I'm not going to risk it.

 

Fwiw, we haven't left the kids w/ her other than that one time. She was asleep (& never sleeps late, so that was strange), & we've only got a sedan right now. I needed to run a couple of errands & felt fine leaving the bigs alone for that amt of time, told them NOT to bother Grandma, etc. She wasn't watching them, but asked them to get something for her when she woke up & then flipped.

 

Tack a blanket over the window in the downstairs bathroom and let them sleep in the hallway, but try to keep them away from her.

 

No hallway.

 

Get on every list and lottery that exists. Look into WIC. Look into welfare. Open the phone book and call every church listed. Get in touch with Catholic Charities; you don't need to be Catholic, and they offer a wide variety of services (and can steer you in the right direction for things they don't offer). Let all of them know you are pregnant and have small kids who are in a bad situation.

 

I'd contacted a Catholic church before we moved here for other reasons, & we went by today. They had a wonderful list of resources for jobs & other things.

 

Most Catholic Churches (I dont' know about others) also have food pantries and a certain level of money to give out at their discretion; call and ask for an appointment. This can often be done quite quickly, there is not as much paperwork/approvals required.

 

I can't remember the full deal with your inlaws. Is borrowing money at all a possibility?

 

They'd probably give us the moon if we asked. So far, we haven't told them what's going on because there's not REALLY anything they can do, & I'm so embarrassed for my mom.

 

Our general plan is to try to rent an apt TODAY. If we can get a short lease & really low rent, we can cover a month or two. Dh has some decent job leads.

 

It's that or go back to TX today. He thinks we need to try to make this work, even if it means a shelter because his breathing was that bad. Gosh, I knew it was bad (obviously), but it's scary to hear him willing to...well, it was worse than I thought.

 

I'm not trying to make a bad situation worse by scaring you, but whether it's bipolar or something else, your mom does not sound stable to me. And you can't really help her until you are in a stable situation yourself. So for now, just get by as well as you can, and get any help you can to get out of there.

 

:grouphug:

 

Thanks.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I can't quote your last post, Aubrey because it was embedded someone else's post but I think your plan to try and rent an apartment and make it work in CO is a good one. I'm so glad that your dh's breathing is better.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Aubrey]

Ugh, if her mother is bipolar, undiagnosed and unmedicated, that could send her over a very scary edge that could cause physical harm to someone, or damage to property. Getting her to a doctor would be a good thing, if the doctor will listen to family members as her mom is not likely to realize or remember the intensity of her actions.

 

How did you KNOW??? She never remembers things the way they happened. She called me an hour ago to see if she could hire someone to finish the floor for us & to say she'd work late every night this week so we could avoid her & the "tension."

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Praying for a good solution.

Edited August 15, 2011 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Aubrey]

Someone asked me what I told the kids. I explained to them that Grandma was sick, & that she didn't really understand what she was doing. That she couldn't help it but that it wasn't their fault. We talked about details as much as they seemed to need to, & I told them that once she "felt better," she'd regret what she'd said.

 

10yo asked if she'd remember/understand completely. I said no. He said, "Good. I don't want her to hurt this much." :( And I just told him: that's what forgiveness is.

 

I can't see making them stay there. I hope that's not too extravagant of me, but he's...a sensitive kid. When mom's not freaked out, she's...flippant. Makes jokes that range the scale of inappropriate--as in, not bathroom humor, but insensitive to people's feelings.

 

It's like...she enjoys the kids, loves me, but SHE is stuck in her body, & it's not working right. At all.

 

About dh "breaking" the computer: he was trying to set up wifi at her house, but she's got a dinosaur computer (he says), & her internet service is...well, you know the dinkier companies try to nickel & dime you? They've got their box designed in such a way that it's (virtually) impossible to...well, I don't know the lingo beyond that. The networking box won't talk to the internet box. Or something like that.

 

Through all of this, her internet went off line for a little bit. Not while she was trying to use it, but apparently that really REALLY bothered her.