Income level since marriage/Obligation to maintain or increase?

[amy g.]

Do spouses have a right to expect their partners to maintain or increase the income they had when they married?

 

I've heard of women who feel this is as important as appearance.

[Impish]

Some things are simply beyond any one person's control.

 

I would think that any drastic change in career would be something discussed before doing, though.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Yuck. It makes it sound as if the dh is reduced to a Sugar Daddy.

 

Now, having said that, I DO think that most people expect that their partner will do their best and imo, typically that means raises/promotions/bettering oneself.

[Impish]

"For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health..."

 

No. I'd say not an expectation at all.

[DawnM]

Hmmmm......well.....since DH was the one asking me to go from a very good salary to $0, no!

 

And since DH made a very large salary in CA and we decided to move to NC and take a HUGE pay cut, no!

 

Now, it would be different if my DH came home one day and said, "Eh, I don't feel like working anymore. I quit my job."

 

 

Dawn

[joannqn]

"For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health..."

 

:iagree:

[dangermom]

Didn't quite a few of us get married young? I married my husband while he was still in college, so I hope that we're now earning more than the $600/month each we started with! :001_smile:

 

I guess more seriously, I married him knowing that he was a good man who would always work hard to take care of his family. I do expect him to stay that way insofar as such things are possible in this unpredictable life. We've been through some tough financial times together, but he always works hard to take care of his family.

Edited August 11, 2011 by dangermom

[FO4UR]

Obligation? No.

 

It is the responsibility of both to ensure the financial stability of the family. That is a very broad statement on purpose. The details of *how* are likely going to change at some point, but the desire to take care of each other should always be a driving force.

 

 

All this obligating is not healthy.:001_huh:

[Lisa in the UP of MI]

Uh, no! Well, dh and I got married when we were in college. So I did expect him to make more than he was making then. The job dh is currently at will most likely be his highest paid job. We hope to move sometime within the next few years and it will certainly mean a pay cut.

[4wildberrys]

"For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health..."

 

No. I'd say not an expectation at all.

:iagree::iagree:

[Joker]

I don't feel there is an obligation but dh does. I know he feels it's his duty to take care of us and sometimes it stresses him. I've recently gone back to school and hopefully in 3-4 years I will go back to work full time and he can relax a bit.

[Scarlett]

Do spouses have a right to expect their partners to maintain or increase the income they had when they married?

 

I've heard of women who feel this is as important as appearance.

 

Financial support is another 'need' that should not be discounted as frivilous and shallow. Just like with appearance it can go extreme, but basically I DO expect my dh to support us to the best of his ability---but not to the degree where he would be working 24/7 and not part of our life.

 

Balance.

[UnsinkableKristen]

Some things are simply beyond any one person's control.

 

I would think that any drastic change in career would be something discussed before doing, though.

 

 

Now, it would be different if my DH came home one day and said, "Eh, I don't feel like working anymore. I quit my job."

 

 

Dawn

 

I think this is a lot like the appearance thread. Some things are out of your control to some level, like losing a job in a recession or requiring a medication that makes you gain weight.

 

Some things ARE in your control, like making a drastic career change without discussing it at all or not making any effort to lose weight that is making you unhappy.

 

 

Far beyond "obligation", I think most decisions and lifestyle changes should be made with simple courtesy to the person you've said you will love like your own self for the rest of your life.

[Parrothead]

I don't think there is any way to make a blanket statement. Some couples do, some don't and they are perfectly happy.

 

I'm ambitious for dh, and he knows it. He is okay with it so we are both happy about this aspect.

[ColoNative]

I do expect my husband to provide for our family financially because he also expects me to take good care of the house, kids, etc. and maintain a peaceful home.

 

We both view it as doing our part to raise our family according to God's standard, so how much he makes is less relevant that what path we are following - God's or our own....:)

 

Melody

[busymotherof4]

I would say no but I married my sweetheart in between college and then he went to grad school. I knew his salary would be higher later. Having said that we have faced unemployment. Did that make me upset at him? No. I was terrified at the situation. At this point he makes lots of money in a professional career but he works a ton. Yesterday he worked a 16 hour day. He has been averaging at least 60 hours a week for a long time. I do think that at some point we are going to choose a pay cut for fewer hours. There is more to life than money.

I also took a vow for richer, for poorer in sickness and in health.

[Rosy]

We agreed before we got married that DH would be primarily responsible for meeting the family's financial needs. It makes sense that the income would have to grow as our needs grow. That said, life happens sometimes and a family needs to be willing to live with less if an employment situation demands it.

[elegantlion]

nm

Edited August 11, 2011 by elegantlion

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

"For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health..."

 

No. I'd say not an expectation at all.

 

:iagree:

[simka2]

Do spouses have a right to expect their partners to maintain or increase the income they had when they married?

 

I've heard of women who feel this is as important as appearance.

 

:lol: Yes, darn it!!!! You know he is so much more attractive with a couple extra 0's on the pay stub :tongue_smilie:

 

I find it funny that same people who might say a spouse is obligated to keep a certain appreance, would shudder at this concept. ;)

[Scarlett]

:lol: Yes, darn it!!!! You know he is so much more attractive with a couple extra 0's on the pay stub :tongue_smilie:

 

I find it funny that same people who might say a spouse is obligated to keep a certain appreance, would shudder at this concept. ;)

 

I think they are equally important. Which is to say they are important but not deal breakers unless something extreme happens. Say if my dh stopped showering or started smoking, and let his teeth rot. I couldn't stay with him. Ugh. Or if quit his job, made no attempt to get another and played video games all day. I would kick his butt to the curb. (in both cases I would first require him to be seen by a doctor because both situations would be so uncharacteristic for him!)

 

However, if he gains 10 pounds and wears sweat pants all Sunday afternoon....I'll keep him.

 

And if he loses his job and can't find another making as much, but goes to work everyday doing what he can...I'll keep him. ;)

[Sukale]

Yes. When I married dh he was 22 making just above minimum wage. I did expect him to make more money as he got older and we had a baby. I did think he had an obligation to increase his pay to support a family. I never had a dollar amount in mind but he knew he was going from supporting himself to having a family.

[Renee in NC]

Didn't quite a few of us get married young? I married my husband while he was still in college, so I hope that we're now earning more than the $600/month each we started with! :001_smile:

 

I guess more seriously, I married him knowing that he was a good man who would always work hard to take care of his family. I do expect him to stay that way insofar as such things are possible in this unpredictable life. We've been through some tough financial times together, but he always works hard to take care of his family.

 

We married young, but my dh brought home more 14 years ago when he was in the Army than he does now!:tongue_smilie:

 

My dh is a very hard worker, but I (wrongly) assumed that he would get out of the Army, train/go to college, and we would continue to increase our standard of living over time. It didn't happen and I am okay with that now, but it did cause *many* problems along the way.

 

I think pre-marital discussions about expectations are very necessary. We both just assumed a lot and these things didn't come to fruition!

[stripe]

I think there should be the goal of providing some measure of financial stability, but, sheesh, things happen, people get sick, companies close, natural disasters occur, and the economy tanks. But I don't look kindly upon the lazy.

[Scarlett]

We married young, but my dh brought home more 14 years ago when he was in the Army than he does now!:tongue_smilie:

 

My dh is a very hard worker, but I (wrongly) assumed that he would get out of the Army, train/go to college, and we would continue to increase our standard of living over time. It didn't happen and I am okay with that now, but it did cause *many* problems along the way.

 

I think pre-marital discussions about expectations are very necessary. We both just assumed a lot and these things didn't come to fruition!

 

I agree totally on the pre-marital discussions! Easier to do when one is 45 than 18, I can say from experience.

 

I was very honest with dh before we married...we discussed all our finances, all of our expectations. Including that I wanted to continue to homeschool my ds and be a SAHM if at all possible and we discussed how much money that would require dh to make.

[Scarlett]

I think there should be the goal of providing some measure of financial stability, but, sheesh, things happen, people get sick, companies close, natural disasters occur, and the economy tanks. But I don't look kindly upon the lazy.

 

Yes. This.

[CalicoKat]

Hmmmm......well.....since DH was the one asking me to go from a very good salary to $0, no!

 

And since DH made a very large salary in CA and we decided to move to NC and take a HUGE pay cut, no!

 

Now, it would be different if my DH came home one day and said, "Eh, I don't feel like working anymore. I quit my job."

 

 

Dawn

 

Same here. But it may help explain why DH gets so anxious about the new budget.

 

I never gave it a 2nd thought about the new lower income potential. You just make the necessary adjustments.

 

No one in his family has ever purposefully gone backwards in lifestyle or income.

[simka2]

I think they are equally important. Which is to say they are important but not deal breakers unless something extreme happens. Say if my dh stopped showering or started smoking, and let his teeth rot. I couldn't stay with him. Ugh. Or if quit his job, made no attempt to get another and played video games all day. I would kick his butt to the curb. (in both cases I would first require him to be seen by a doctor because both situations would be so uncharacteristic for him!)

 

However, if he gains 10 pounds and wears sweat pants all Sunday afternoon....I'll keep him.

 

And if he loses his job and can't find another making as much, but goes to work everyday doing what he can...I'll keep him. ;)

 

I agree with your illustrations. I just do not think they have anything to do with "obligation." Technically, we are splitting hairs ;). I think there is a huge difference between "obligation," and being who you are by nature. If the above happened I would assume dh had completely misled me on who he truly is (something I would not put up with) or there was a physiological/mental problem (I would stick with him).

 

This isn't quite coming out the way I want! It is so much clearer in my head :D.

Edited August 11, 2011 by simka2

[Pretty in Pink]

Do spouses have a right to expect their partners to maintain or increase the income they had when they married?

 

I've heard of women who feel this is as important as appearance.

 

I feel like my spouse has an obligation to provide financially for our family. That has always been the understanding in our relationship. As long as he was making an honest effort to do so I would never hold him to the fire over making not making enough. Employment, salaries, etc. are so fluid and beyond one's control most of the time. I can't imagine the pressure of providing financially for our family.

[Scarlett]

I agree with your illustrations. I just do not think they have anything to do with "obligation." Technically, we are splitting hairs ;). I think there is a huge difference between "obligation," and being who you are by nature. If the above happened I would assume dh had completely misled me on who he truly is (something I would not put up with) or there was a physiological/mental problem (I would stick with him).

 

This isn't quite coming out the way I want! It is so much clearer in my head :D.

 

You are clear. :) We agree. Except maybe we are splitting hairs on the word obligation. As someone else mentioned obligation makes it sound like there is no love....and that isn't how I feel about it...but I do still feel we all have obligations in a marriage.

[angela in ohio]

I married a first year teacher in an inner city school district, so I would hope he'd make more now! :D

 

Dh makes just under five times what he did when we were married, but it's been sacrifices on both of our parts that allowed for this (going without vacations and such to pay for his continuing education.) I don't know about obligation... but I wouldn't have married him in the first place if he wasn't the kind of man who always worked his hardest to better our situation. He has worked incredibly hard to make sure that we are financially secure, and I think that's all I can ask. The amount of money means less than the security he has gained.

Edited August 11, 2011 by angela in ohio

[Crimson Wife]

I married someone whom I knew to be hard-working and ambitious. I do expect him to advance in his career, and up to a certain level, I would expect that to include a higher salary.

 

That said, money isn't everything and I very much was in favor of him leaving investment banking. Had he stayed, he'd probably be making a lot more money than he does now, but it was incredibly stressful and required crazy hours (80-100+ per week). No amount of money was worth the toll on his sanity and on our family...

[nono]

Do spouses have a right to expect their partners to maintain or increase the income they had when they married?

 

 

Gross or net? :tongue_smilie:

 

I mean really, with a graduated tax system (+AMT), sometimes it is beyond a man's control!

[Puma Mom]

I don't recall that stipulation in the vows. In fact, wasn't it the opposite--"for richer or for poorer"?

 

We got married while we were in college, so no income but enough savings to get us through until we graduated. I assumed he'd get a job that paid something, but I had no expectations to be 'kept' in any particular standard of living. We were both raised with very little money, so that probably helped.

 

As it has turned out, we've had richer and poorer. More richer than poorer, but never undivided on the plan that was being worked at the time.

[Hoggirl]

Hmmmm......well.....since DH was the one asking me to go from a very good salary to $0, no!

 

And since DH made a very large salary in CA and we decided to move to NC and take a HUGE pay cut, no!

 

Now, it would be different if my DH came home one day and said, "Eh, I don't feel like working anymore. I quit my job."

 

 

Dawn

 

:iagree:

[happypamama]

We actually did include the "for richer, for poorer, in sickness, in health" in our wedding vows. We wrote our own, but I like the traditional vows too, so we included parts of them.

 

Sure, it would be nice if we kept increasing our income every year since we got married. But honestly? I can't imagine the message it would send to my husband if I expected that! He's been gone almost 60 hours a week for work for the past several years, desperately trying to help keep his company afloat, and for far less money than he should be making, or even what he was making when he was hired. I don't like things being so tight, but neither does he. It's not his fault. I try very hard not to cross the line between "commiserating and being careful with the budget" and "making him feel badly that we don't have more money." It would not be productive at all for me to push him for moremoremore. I'm his, and he is mine, regardless of what our financial state is.

[HRAAB]

All I've ever expected from my dh is for him to be faithful to his vocation as husband and father (as he expects me to be to mine) which he has faithfully done for the last 26 years. He's actually making 25% less than he was a few years ago; that was beyond his control. To specifically answer your question: no - just be responsible.

[Thea]

I've never thought about it.

[Thea]

Gross or net? :tongue_smilie:

 

I mean really, with a graduated tax system (+AMT), sometimes it is beyond a man's control!

 

Goodness, if that isn't truth!

 

Last year dh made 2.5 times what he made the previous year and our total tax bill was SIX times higher. :glare:

[BamaTanya]

All I've ever expected from my dh is for him to be faithful to his vocation as husband and father (as he expects me to be to mine) which he has faithfully done for the last 26 years. He's actually making 25% less than he was a few years ago; that was beyond his control. To specifically answer your question: no - just be responsible.

 

:iagree:

 

We married 2 days after dh's last college class. And the job he'd been promised fell through. And the state budget (similar to now) was in trouble and there was a hiring freeze for his field -- social work -- that lasted two years.

 

He did landscaping and worked as a teacher's aide and sold cell phones and did a rotation as an assistant manager trainee at a grocery store and worked as a substance abuse tech in an adolescent treatment center and he delivered flowers and worked the warehouse of a florist . . .

 

I admire him for his willingness to work.

 

That means more to me than more money.

[justamouse]

hell no. On both sides.

[Guest]

I could see the making an effort to maintain appearances (not being a slave to it) on the other thread, but I think this idea is silly. I think that kind of thing is not something that can be controlled so easily, or all the workers would be doing it.

[gardenmom5]

Do spouses have a right to expect their partners to maintain or increase the income they had when they married?

 

I've heard of women who feel this is as important as appearance.

 

Oh, my gosh. whatever happend to for better or for worse? I can't imagine anyone deliberatly cutting back their income (unless they are starting a business, or going back to school. both situations considered an investment in future earnings).

 

Having grown up with a relative who thought appearance was the "be all, end all", I'm appalled at the shallowness. whatever happend to substance?

[Scarlett]

:iagree:

 

We married 2 days after dh's last college class. And the job he'd been promised fell through. And the state budget (similar to now) was in trouble and there was a hiring freeze for his field -- social work -- that lasted two years.

 

He did landscaping and worked as a teacher's aide and sold cell phones and did a rotation as an assistant manager trainee at a grocery store and worked as a substance abuse tech in an adolescent treatment center and he delivered flowers and worked the warehouse of a florist . . .

 

I admire him for his willingness to work.

 

That means more to me than more money.

 

I agree. Work ethic is on my top ten list. ;)

[Scarlett]

I could see the making an effort to maintain appearances (not being a slave to it) on the other thread, but I think this idea is silly. I think that kind of thing is not something that can be controlled so easily, or all the workers would be doing it.

 

Financial support is a very real need in our society. Just like with appearance and physical attractivness, each couple has to decide what level is 'good enough' and what needs to be done when drastic times strike.

 

Dh and I know how much has to come in for us to pay the bills. Neither of us are in to living large or getting rich. But I do expect that he keep making enough to pay the bills. There might come a time that he can't due to his health or the collapse of the job market completely--but until then....yes, we agreed before we married---he works, I stay home.

[Carrie12345]

I expected my (young, freshly-graduated) husband to mature, learn, gain experience, and continue moving forward and upward in all aspects of his life.

 

I certainly *hoped that would bring financial gains of some sort to his career (we married pretty nearly dirt-poor, so there wasn't much room to move anywhere but up in that regard), but it was far from a "Where's the money, Honey?" expectation.

[angela in ohio]

:iagree:

 

We married 2 days after dh's last college class. And the job he'd been promised fell through. And the state budget (similar to now) was in trouble and there was a hiring freeze for his field -- social work -- that lasted two years.

 

He did landscaping and worked as a teacher's aide and sold cell phones and did a rotation as an assistant manager trainee at a grocery store and worked as a substance abuse tech in an adolescent treatment center and he delivered flowers and worked the warehouse of a florist . . .

 

I admire him for his willingness to work.

 

That means more to me than more money.

 

I agree. Dh worked 2-3 (or 4!) jobs at a time up until a few years ago. I have seen friends who live in situations where the dh won't work to support them (always makes me think of that line from National Lampoon's - holding out for management ;),) and that is what I couldn't deal with. I married the "would work two shifts at McD's if that was all he could get" man on purpose, because that's what my dad did (lots of overtime at a factory job.) The amount is less important than my respect for his work ethic.

[Caterpiller]

With out telling my life story, I feel that the only "obligation" my husband has as far as a pay check goes, is getting one. He needs to be willing to work if he is capable of work. Otherwise I would assume that he doesn't care enough for his family to TRY to provide for us. I don't care how much money he makes as long as he is making an effort. I do believe in improving ones position, but I believe that it should be done so that the person doing it is able to do a job they enjoy. I would LOVE for my husband to have a job that he genuinely likes.

 

If my husband couldn't work because of injury or poor health, I wouldn't think any less of him.

[Mynyel]

Do spouses have a right to expect their partners to maintain or increase the income they had when they married?

 

I've heard of women who feel this is as important as appearance.

 

*humph* Only in the last two years has my dh made more than me :P I have always made more than him... well I have always worked more than him too :D

 

In fairness he was going to school most of the time. He was also laid of 5 times. SO! That doesn't make for good pay!

[homeschoolmom]

I expect my spouse to act responsibly with the interests of not only himself but his family in mind.

 

Just as I would not quit my job because I didn't like it or found it to be tough (almost every day these days), I expect the same from him. I think it's reasonable to expect your partner to not flake out and take a job that might be 'fun' but earns significantly less or to not try their hardest to secure like employment if they are currently unemployed or take a job that they might feel 'beneath' them in order to contribute to the family.

 

I think that if someone wants to transition to a job that would mean the family landscape would change - time, money, etc. - then it should be a point of discussion prior to action being taken. So to original question, to some degree there is a reasonable expectation but this should tempered with the reality that things change. People should not feel 'entitled' to a certain lifestyle at the expense of someone else. The key is that change is discussed and addressed together with a mutually agreeable (reasonable) decision reached.