BMW Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 It might just be that I am sensitive right now and dealing with my own issues, so I'll take it to the hive... History: Dh is favored by his mom. She adores him. Sun rises and sets on him. I'm fine with the amount of time we spend with them, we all get along just fine. She favors one of our sons who looks and acts like dh. If he gets into trouble, she also comes to his defense and is quick to turn things around. We try to not involve her much with raising the boys any more.... Things are okay there... although sometimes I wish she'd stick up for the younger son, who occasionally gets blamed or provoked... Anyway... I was at the store today and the "favored" son tells me that he needs to find out how much Disneyland tickets cost because his grandmother wants to go. I tell him a ballpark figure and then tell him how much it would cost for both grandparents, dh and I and he and his brother to go... mentioning that didn't include traveling and hotel costs. He says something like, "Oh, that doesn't matter... it would just be Grandmother and me. We're going to hitch a ride with dad when he goes to work down there and go one day." UM.... NO! I asked, "Am I just supposed to stay home with your brother while you do this?" And he indicated that, yes, that was the plan. I said, sternly, "I hope when you grow up, you wouldn't do that to your wife... go off and leave her home to babysit and leave her out. If you do this, when you get home, you'll be sharing a room with your dad and I'll have my own room!" Okay... I probably shouldn't have said it that way... It was a knee jerk reaction. I haven't asked dh about this... But, I could totally see his mom trying to pull that off. Hopefully my son misunderstood. But, he is 14 and seems quite serious that he is supposed to find out about tickets for him and his grandmother! If you were in my position and asked your dh about it, and it was true... what would your response be??? :bigear: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 That is not acceptable. I would not tolerate it. If she can't take both boys, then they both stay home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 That is not acceptable. I would not tolerate it. If she can't take both boys, then they both stay home. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I would flip out. I would try not to flip out in front of the kids and I would try to stay calm and let dh handle it (he would not be okay with it either). I can see a g-ma wanting to take the kids one at a time on a special trip, but only if they were each going to get a special trip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebookie Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 That is not acceptable. I would not tolerate it. If she can't take both boys, then they both stay home. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I think I'd favour both of them staying home. I'm not sure I'd want the unfavoured one spending a lot of time alone with her. I think he'd probably start to feel pretty lonely at some point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I would be blunt with a 14 year old. I would have said it in a SHEESH voice rather than an angry one. Sort of a you-have-got-to-be-kidding response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted August 5, 2011 Author Share Posted August 5, 2011 The justification seems to be that dh has to work down there and would be driving his work truck which has three seats total... Well, too bad! Either drive down with both boys, or don't go. I think they have really entertained this idea... I just don't know dh's side of the story. How could that plan be okay???? I don't get it. :001_huh: I will try to choose my words wisely, but I will definitely be speaking up... Hopefully dh says, "Oh, that just 'son' dreaming away, we weren't serious about it." 'Son' is quite serious, though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boxing Hare Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I think one on one trips with gma would be good, assuming she takes the younger one too. Maybe it'd giver her a chance to get to know the younger son. I'd make sure she took him first, though, b/c his trip might never happen. My gma took my brother and male cousins on individual trips to China. I loved her, and know that she loved me, but it still hurt. I'm not sure how she justified that... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Whose idea is this? I would have been furious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 The justification seems to be that dh has to work down there and would be driving his work truck which has three seats total... Well, too bad! Either drive down with both boys, or don't go. I think they have really entertained this idea... I just don't know dh's side of the story. How could that plan be okay???? I don't get it. :001_huh: I will try to choose my words wisely, but I will definitely be speaking up... Hopefully dh says, "Oh, that just 'son' dreaming away, we weren't serious about it." 'Son' is quite serious, though! Then dh drives the truck with both boys in the truck and then drops them off for Grandma to take to Disneyland. I sincerely hope that in all this discussion that the less-favored son is kept from hearing any of it. Even if things are decided differently in the end, knowing that people are arguing about whether he is included or not would be devastating, I think. As someone else said, it would be different if it were a special "coming of age" trip for one son that the other one knows is in his own future (with a 100% guarantee of it coming true as much as one can do a 100% guarantee). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 It would make me really angry. Both my mom and mil are big into "being equal". My mil has taken my dd to plays a few times w/o either of my ds's. She does ask the older if he wants to go, he always says no. Due to youngers disabilities, mil does not take him out --and we understand and are ok with that. I could imagine my parents or mil taking each grandchild to do something really special separately. Such trips could happen over a few years, but they would do their best to make sure everyone got a turn. If I was in a family where a grandparent played favorites and wanted to special trips, I'd insist the favored child get his trip last. Just to make sure everyone else got a turn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zenjenn Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Not unless she is planning a second trip alone with son #2. My mom has mentioned wanting to do a special grandma/grandchild thing with each of my girls separately, but they BOTH get a special time with her. Even still, she should be discussing it with you and your DH first! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted August 5, 2011 Author Share Posted August 5, 2011 Jean, we all live locally. Grandma lives a few miles from us. Both boys were together when older son talked about the "plans". Yikes. I try to keep things smoothed over when there are these bumps in the road.... I am sure that younger son notices, though, that he is not as "enjoyed" by the grandparents, so to speak.... We see them every week. There are subtle differences in how the boys are treated. Thanks for your caring concern for this fellow!!! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cloversandlions Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Knowing the history of the situation, this would be an easy "no". Well, not easy, but there would be little to consider (except how to maintain composure). It would be different if she'd come to you privately and mentioned that she'd like to take each boy, individually, on a special "grandma/grandson" trip. As you've described it, though, there's just a whole lot that's wrong with the scenario. Does your dh not want to discuss with his mother what's happening here? Is it so subtle that it could be easily dismissed/explained away? I'd know I'd want this stopped. A long time ago. I'd feel compelled to have it addressed - preferably by dh, but if not, then just by laying down some boundaries. Gently, if you can, because maybe grandma really isn't aware that it's so obvious. I hope your youngest son is able to put this into perspective and not internalize this as being about *him* when it so clearly is not. Poor fella. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 It would have made me angry. There is no way I would allow it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zaichiki Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 My dh is an only child who was raised in a culture where those moms are quite codependent. I could see this kind of thing happening. I think I would send them. I might feel like I was being left out, but if we couldn't afford for everyone to go then I would feel good about sending my oldest with his grandmother. He'd have the chance to go to Disney AND he'd have time with his grandmother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I think one on one trips with gma would be good, assuming she takes the younger one too. Maybe it'd giver her a chance to get to know the younger son. I'd make sure she took him first, though, b/c his trip might never happen. My gma took my brother and male cousins on individual trips to China. I loved her, and know that she loved me, but it still hurt. I'm not sure how she justified that... This is what I was going to say - have her take the younger son first. Not only would that ensure that he got to go to DW too - and older son would get a taste of what it would feel like not to go to DW while your brother goes. He might think twice before suggesting such an absurd thing again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chepyl Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I would say that everyone goes or noone goes. I think the suggestion of younger son going first is good. Just to ensure they both get the trip. That is not okay! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zaichiki Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I guess the real issue here is continued favoritism and the assumption that the younger child wouldn't ever get his one-on-one special trip? If that was the case I'd have to say no. Over here, though, we don't have grandparent favoritism, so that didn't really stick in my mind when I was reading the OP. Just this weekend my oldest is going camping with my father, who will be joining aunts, uncles, and cousins at a national park for a week. Our other kids are jealous, but being the oldest *does* have its perks. They'll get their turn. (And I'll make sure their week at home is more fun than usual.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 My dh is an only child who was raised in a culture where those moms are quite codependent. I could see this kind of thing happening. I think I would send them. I might feel like I was being left out, but if we couldn't afford for everyone to go then I would feel good about sending my oldest with his grandmother. He'd have the chance to go to Disney AND he'd have time with his grandmother. Really? The OP is not the only person who is left behind in this scenario. There is another child being intentionally pushed aside. Poor kid. OP :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 That is not acceptable. I would not tolerate it. If she can't take both boys, then they both stay home. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 If you were in my position and asked your dh about it, and it was true... what would your response be??? :bigear: ask when she plans on taking the other kids for a 'grandma and me' getaway. preferred child doesn't go anywhere until arrangements for trips with the other children are made and PAID FOR (so she can't back out). I think she's been indulged in her preferences a bit too much, and it's time to end it. if the other kids dont' grow up hating her and resenting their preferred brother (I assure you, they notice), the preferred child will grow into a spoiled brat who will be shocked when the world doesn't magically give him preferences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted August 5, 2011 Author Share Posted August 5, 2011 zaichiki, we really could afford to all go.... Older son was over at grandmother's house yesterday and they got to talking about wanting to go to Disneyland... from what it sounds (I still haven't spoken to dh), this was something that the two of them decided would work... "let's hitch a ride with dad when he has to go on his next trip"... It hadn't crossed my sons mind how his brother or I would feel being left out. It's not about money. The older brother does realize that he is favored. He doesn't mind one bit, either! He has spent many weeks over the summers at grandma and grandpa's house... younger son is not allowed to sleep over unless it is an emergency because he "wets the bed". Anyway, I think it is stinky. I still need to verify. I still need to hear from dh if this was a serious plan or a child's wishful planning... (older son still says it's a real plan that they discussed)... I think it continues to set up the older son to get puffed up that he is better than his brother, which is unacceptable and unfortunate. I surely hope I find out tonight that nothing like this has really been planned...... If it has, I am going to have to really try to stay calm and choose words wisely!!! Oh, and if older son has "glorified" his talk with grandmother and created this plan himself, than it shows us that he sees himself favored... that he thinks it is just fine to leave other family members out... Grrrr. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soonermomma Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I would be H-O-T! I know some personalities click better than others, but it drives me crazy to see people show blatant favoritism. My MIL always said how her grandma favored her sister over her, and how it really hurt her, but she is obviously partial to one of my daughters. Nothing nearly as blatant as what you described, and so far my kids haven't seemed to notice, but I do notice and I don't like it AT ALL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the4Rs Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Here's my thought. Let em go. But YOU plan a totally unforgettable and amazing vacation for just you and younger son. I mean go all out. If you could afford to go to DW...use that money and plan a trip for the two of you and let them know that since they didn't even consider you guys for their trip, you're going to do your own thing and they aren't invited. No reason your younger son shouldn't have an amazing memory of his own. And frankly it is better he has great memories with a mom who loves him than with a grandma who noticably treats him as less than the person he is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I honestly would be more angry at the DS for not sticking up for the rest of the family. I would not tolerate that. The GM is who she is and the family unit probably sees that and you cannot change her. However, you all stick together. One on one time happens, but this smacks of a child allowing and somewhat encouraging a sibling's feelings being hurt. Not gonna happen. He should have shut her down when he realized she planned to exclude the others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 BMW, I was the favored grandchild, and it still haunts me to this day. It was painfully obviously. I was the "smartest, prettiest, best behaved, had the cutest figure" blah blah blah. My brother and cousins resented me, and my cousins still bring it up to me, often. We are all in our 30s, btw. My grandmother is still alive, and I'm still the favorite. I try to stop her, but she is 80 years old. It's too late now, and it still hurts. I wish my parents had put a stop to it when I was little because I sure didn't know how. My grandmother has tried it with my girls, but I will not allow it. Your younger son, if he hasn't already, will come to resent his brother and his grandmother, and it has the potential of permanently damaging the boys' relationship. Nothing good can come of this. I just wanted to share another side. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zaichiki Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Really? The OP is not the only person who is left behind in this scenario. There is another child being intentionally pushed aside. Poor kid. OP :grouphug: Yes. Really. My kids all get to do certain things that the others don't get to do. It all evens out in the end. HOWEVER if the younger would *never* get his turn at something like this, then I wouldn't bite. If I had the money to do so I would say, "Hey. That's a great idea! But the rest of us want to go too, so I'll go buy the tickets! Thanks for the great idea!" I'd totally play dumb and not act offended. We'd all go and have a good time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dakarimom5 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I've been on both sides of this issue. I was the favorite with my grandparents, mainly because I lived with them most of my childhood because my mom would leave me there to party. This caused huge problems with my cousins. It wasn't until we were older and finally sat down that we realized the jealousy going on between our mothers. My children are not the favorites of my MIL, they don't stay the night and she doesn't come to their activities. Heck, she doesn't even speak to them half the time! We try not to be around her very much and if her behavior is blatant then we leave. We try to make the kids realize they are our favorites...everyone else doesn't matter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted August 5, 2011 Author Share Posted August 5, 2011 I got the "story" now... Grandmother was telling son how much she wanted to go to Disneyland, that it had been over 20 years. Son tells her that he will earn the money and buy tickets for the two of them to go and that they can ride along with dh when he goes on one of his trips (several times a year). I asked my dh if he thought it would be okay for son and grandmother to go and do this and leave other boy behind. He didn't seem to mind because he doesn't think it's likely that grandmother would follow through and ride along and leave her dogs (grandpa would stay home to take care of them, etc) but he doesn't think she would actually DO it, although she told son that she would. I asked dh if he thought it was appropriate for older boy to leave out brother and make exclusive plans... why not teach the boy to care about his brother? Dh really didn't seem to mind or see the problem.... Sheesh. Still bugs me because I know how grandmother is... and I see it as older son taking advantage, even if it IS money that he earns on his own. Dh seems to think if that's what son wants to do with his money, fine.... But, really? Hurting others is fine as long as it's your money??? I guess if it comes to pass.... if plans are made, I'll make sure that I spend one heck of a good time with the younger son! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 zaichiki, we really could afford to all go.... Older son was over at grandmother's house yesterday and they got to talking about wanting to go to Disneyland... from what it sounds (I still haven't spoken to dh), this was something that the two of them decided would work... "let's hitch a ride with dad when he has to go on his next trip"... It hadn't crossed my sons mind how his brother or I would feel being left out. It's not about money. The older brother does realize that he is favored. He doesn't mind one bit, either! He has spent many weeks over the summers at grandma and grandpa's house... younger son is not allowed to sleep over unless it is an emergency because he "wets the bed". Anyway, I think it is stinky. I still need to verify. I still need to hear from dh if this was a serious plan or a child's wishful planning... (older son still says it's a real plan that they discussed)... I think it continues to set up the older son to get puffed up that he is better than his brother, which is unacceptable and unfortunate. I surely hope I find out tonight that nothing like this has really been planned...... If it has, I am going to have to really try to stay calm and choose words wisely!!! Oh, and if older son has "glorified" his talk with grandmother and created this plan himself, than it shows us that he sees himself favored... that he thinks it is just fine to leave other family members out... Grrrr. I would put a stop to this seems it seems to be having negative repercussions (ie creating an environment where older ds feels superior or is unconcerned about younger ds). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan in SC Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I guess I'll be the dissenting one, but after your update, it sounds like the older one just wanted to do something nice for his grandmother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristineW Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I guess I'll be the dissenting one, but after your update, it sounds like the older one just wanted to do something nice for his grandmother. ITA. This isn't grandma favoring older son; this is older son wanting to do something nice for grandma. Grandma hasn't been in decades and he thought that it would be a great thing for him to do for her. I'd be impressed and proud instead of put out. Fourteen year olds are notoriously selfish. Brothers don't have to do everything together and there isn't any favoritism here. Be happy. Christine ps. I wouldn't do anything super special while he is away. That smacks of favoritism too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelanieM Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I guess I'll be the dissenting one, but after your update, it sounds like the older one just wanted to do something nice for his grandmother. I agree. But I confess that I don't get the "everything needs to be fair" argument in the first place. Not that I think one child should always be excluded (and it sounds like that is a pattern here) but overall, no, I don't think it's necessary to ensure that every child gets the same experience at the same time. I would probably let older son go, then plan an opportunity for younger son to have a similar one-on-one excursion, either with grandma or another caring adult. Also, I think it's a lot of pressure to put on a 14 year old to expect that they shouldn't want an experience for themselves because a younger sibling isn't having the same experience. I don't see that, in and of itself, being a sign of a selfish young man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I just read the thread so I got to see the updated story too, and based on that, yes, I would allow it. Like others have said, this is grandson doing something nice for grandma, not grandma playing favorites. You could always soothe younger by doing something fun with him at home or making alternate plans with him or something. If it had been Grandma offering to take one kid but not the other- well in MY situation it wouldn't bother me as much because if she offered to take my almost 11 y/o but didn't feel up to taking my 5 y/o, I would understand. My 5 y/o is not always easy to handle or keep up with and Grandma is in her 70's. But if you've got two older boys and that isn't an issue, then, yes, it would have bothered me and I wouldn't have allowed it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I got the "story" now... Grandmother was telling son how much she wanted to go to Disneyland, that it had been over 20 years. Son tells her that he will earn the money and buy tickets for the two of them to go and that they can ride along with dh when he goes on one of his trips (several times a year). I asked my dh if he thought it would be okay for son and grandmother to go and do this and leave other boy behind. He didn't seem to mind because he doesn't think it's likely that grandmother would follow through and ride along and leave her dogs (grandpa would stay home to take care of them, etc) but he doesn't think she would actually DO it, although she told son that she would. I asked dh if he thought it was appropriate for older boy to leave out brother and make exclusive plans... why not teach the boy to care about his brother? Dh really didn't seem to mind or see the problem.... Sheesh. Still bugs me because I know how grandmother is... and I see it as older son taking advantage, even if it IS money that he earns on his own. Dh seems to think if that's what son wants to do with his money, fine.... But, really? Hurting others is fine as long as it's your money??? I guess if it comes to pass.... if plans are made, I'll make sure that I spend one heck of a good time with the younger son! I say this gently but it sounds like your older son can't win. I think his relationship with his grandma sounds sweet and lovely. Just because he wants to DO for her doesn't mean he is deliberately HURTING you and your other son. That's your choice to react that way. You could chose to praise his idea to do something special for his grandmother and then gently introduce the idea that you think it should be a family trip. I wouldn't do that. I would let my older DS take his g'ma on a special trip. (But it is a moot point for us anyway cuz all the grandparents are dead.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary in VA Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I say this gently but it sounds like your older son can't win. I think his relationship with his grandma sounds sweet and lovely. Just because he wants to DO for her doesn't mean he is deliberately HURTING you and your other son. That's your choice to react that way. You could chose to praise his idea to do something special for his grandmother and then gently introduce the idea that you think it should be a family trip. I wouldn't do that. I would let my older DS take his g'ma on a special trip. (But it is a moot point for us anyway cuz all the grandparents are dead.) :iagree:I think oldest ds is being sweet and trying to do something special for/with his grandmother. If the younger wants to do something special with his grandmother he can plan it in the future. If grandma were planning/paying for this and only inviting oldest I'd agree with you, unless she had something comparable planned for younger later. All my dc's grandparents are dead too and mine were dead before I was born. I think it is fantastic if each child can have their own special memories and ocassions with grandparents. That is hard to do, but it sounds like your older son is trying to do that. Good for him! Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Grandmother was telling son how much she wanted to go to Disneyland, that it had been over 20 years. Son tells her that he will earn the money and buy tickets for the two of them to go and that they can ride along with dh when he goes on one of his trips (several times a year). I find this extremely sweet and thoughtful of your son! Offering to earn the money and taking Grandma somewhere where she is longing to go, even coming up with a cost saving transportation method is something you should be proud of. I would let him follow through. He is planning an outing with his Grandma, and I think he has the right to do that without taking the whole family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 :iagree:I think oldest ds is being sweet and trying to do something special for/with his grandmother. If the younger wants to do something special with his grandmother he can plan it in the future. If grandma were planning/paying for this and only inviting oldest I'd agree with you, unless she had something comparable planned for younger later. All my dc's grandparents are dead too and mine were dead before I was born. I think it is fantastic if each child can have their own special memories and ocassions with grandparents. That is hard to do, but it sounds like your older son is trying to do that. Good for him! Mary :grouphug: I only knew my maternal grandma. I treasure my memories of her! And I know my brother's memories of her are not identical to mine. They couldn't be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3peasinapod Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 That is extremely unacceptable and just plain ridiculous! :glare: I would be livid, not just annoyed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Oh, no. That is not acceptable. It is an all or none situation. And I would tell MIL in no uncertain terms that the favoritism ends TODAY. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I don't really understand the all-or-none philosophy with siblings, so no - the situation in the OP wouldn't bother me. Quite the opposite, actually, in that I encourage my kids to have one-on-one time with the adults in their lives. Myself, included. I don't take both kids on every trip, nor would I expect -or want- my relatives to. The reality of life is that you're not always included in everything, you know? Sometimes there are good reasons, sometimes there aren't; it is what it is, though. Favoritism just isn't a huge deal in my family, I guess. It exists, ... it's just that maybe there's enough aunts, uncles, grandparents, and such that we're all someone's favorite so it's no big deal? My grandmother favors me over all of her grandchildren, because I'm just that awesome. Sorry, cousins! I'm kidding, but I did get travel opportunities with her that the others didn't. That wasn't because I was the favorite, it's because I was a better travel companion; not a picky eater, not a whiner, and generally agreeable and appreciative. For the same reason, my daughter has had more travel opportunities with my grandmother than have my son and their cousins. My daughter isn't even my grandmother's favorite (my nephew is) but she's the best traveling companion so she gets the invite. Where I differ from many of my IRL parent peers, especially the Americans, is on the issue of fairness. I don't base parenting or family decisions from that POV, whereas it seems to drive many of their parenting decisions. It's interesting, to me, to see how different family -and, I guess, social- culture can be :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 :iagree:Absolutely... That is not acceptable. I would not tolerate it. If she can't take both boys, then they both stay home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) I too think it is sweet of your ds.....however! if my sis did that to me I would get her:lol:. We have an agreement with things like that- halvies all the way. Otherwise one of us looks like The Bad Seed:lol: and no one wants that! So even if had the idea I had better offer the option of buying the ticket also. I still hear about the time in college I sent out Christmas cards ( my roommate was doing it and I htought why not and did not tell her):lol: eta: but that is just my family and really it sounds very sweet of your older ds. If younger ds is sad, can't he save his money for a trip with you, or g-ma, or whoever? Edited August 5, 2011 by kwg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 He sounds like an absolutely darling child. What a sweetie. I can see why it concerns you that his brother might feel left out. But if this boy is saving his money to take his grandmother somewhere special that she indicated she wanted to go, he is doing something nice for a grandmother, even if he isn't doing something for a sibling. Now, if he wanted to take one sibling and leave another of similar age behind, that would seem hurtful. But grandmas and brothers are apples and oranges. if his brother wants to work hard and save his money and take GM somewhere, great. But I think you should encourage this instinct in a boy. No wonder his GM adores him. Really, one on one time with a grandparent is priceless. I hope they younger son can find ways to also have that, and if the GM is not working on that, I would try to figure out why and how to help develop that relationship. But in the meantime, now that I know more of the facts, it doesn't seem as bad to me as it did at first. Originally it seemed like GM was pulling these strings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I guess I'll be the dissenting one, but after your update, it sounds like the older one just wanted to do something nice for his grandmother. :iagree: This was my take on it as well. Older son seems to be showing empathy for his grandma so why not encourage taht behavior? Younger son might just emulate your older son down the road and do something generous like this for others (and you!). Let it play out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 The update certainly changes things. He does sound like he was trying to be really kind. Any 14 year old who would want to take his grandmother to Disney sounds like a gem! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 that is SO unfair to your other son and I wouldn't tolerate it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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